J. Austin Wilde's Forward:
In July of 1996, Lucas "Ranchan" Muzzatti approached me with ideas for a
fanfiction story. It was a Ranma 1/2-Star Wars fusion. More than anything,
I think it was the casting choices that got me excited about the project.
At first I was just asked to write a few side stories as background for
the characters. I chose Nabiki, who muscles Jabba the Hutt out of
business in the work entitled, "Hostile Takeover." In that 'fic I also
introduced Kasumi Antilles, who gets her own introduction in the
work entitled "The Desert Suite." Yoshio Farmer wrote "A New Meaning
of Horror," with the dreaded bounty hunter Azusa Fett and her hapless
sidekick Mikado.
Things seemed to be going along smoothly. I volunteered to write the
final space battle sequence, and had it finished around August or so of
1996.
Then the delays set in.
I think that after the last eighteen months of harping on Lucas
to produce, I have earned my DBTFH stripes, even if no-one in that
esteemed order gave me an official cattle-prod. Maybe this would have
been done by *last* march, if I did have one...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ranchan's forward.
It's all true. It's all my fault. As Jay has mentioned I did have this
idea way back when I was still a rookie to the FFML. In fact I still am a
rookie. A whole host of reasons led to this fic being delayed the biggest
of which is... I'm a slow writer and am not so confident with my work. In
any event, this is my first COMPLETED fanfic. Weighing in at 38,000+ words
it's the longest single project I've ever started. And there's still two
parts to write.
At this point I'd like to thank Jay publicly. Were it not for him this fic
would not be ready now, maybe never. He is much more skilled in the craft
of writing than I and has been a great help. I'd also like to thank Kelly
"Skywise" Schultz, who helped me to dream up the cast for this fic way back
when. Thanks also goes to Chris Willmore who is basically my inspiration
for getting into the fanfic biz in the first place. He is also the one who
came up with the name for Ran's Million-Yen 'Yaki. Thanx Chris.
Finally I'd like to thank the members of the Japanese navy who gave Jay the
translation for pure into Japanese (Kiyoi) as the counter to the Hentai side
of the chi.
Anyways, I hope all of this was worth it. I shall now fill out my
application for the Zen school of slow writing.
See you guys when we come out with the next part... The Hentpire Strikes Back!
________________________________________________________________________
P-P-P-Chan Productions and Fission Park Press proudly present...
Ranma Wars:
Episode IV
By Lucas Muzzatti and
J. Austin Wilde
The characters and situations of Star Wars are the creation and property
of George Lucas/Lucasfilm/20th Century Fox. The characters and situations
of Ranma 1/2 are the creation and property of Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan/
Kitty TV. Don't even bother sueing us as we aren't selling this nor do we
have any money in the first place.
_________________________________________________________________________
Not so long ago, in a galaxy of our own devising......
It is a period of civil war.
Rebel spaceships, striking
from a hidden base, have won
their first victory against
the evil Galactic Hentpire.
During the battle, Rebel
spies managed to steal secret
plans to the Hentpire's ultimate
weapon, the BREAST STAR, an armored
space station with enough power
to destroy an entire planet, and
it also just happens to look like
a large breast for no particular
reason other than it was the hentai
thing to do.
Pursued by the Hentpire's most
sinister agents, Princess Akane
races home aboard her starship,
custodian of the stolen plans that
can save her people and restore
freedom and females' underwear
to the galaxy...
...She also managed to get her
panties back...
Space. Something that can be said about it is there sure is a lot
of it.
Tatooine. It is said that if there is a bright centre to the
universe this is the planet it is furthest from. From space it seems
a nice world. But a quick check would show the desolate landscape of a
desert planet. Orbiting the twin suns G1 and G2, it is a very unassuming
piece of real estate. Who knew this would be the site of events that
would change the course of the galaxy.
The serene stillness of the great void was compromised when a large
ship, a blockade runner, blasted over the horizon of Tatooine.
Laser blasts showered the beat-up hull of the ship as it feebly
attempted to evade its pursuer. The blockade runner flew for all it
was worth, its thrust nozzles flaring red. It fired back on its
pursuer, yet it did not seem to have any effect. Finally the pursuing
ship came into view.
At first glance one would not take this ship as a threat.
Its mere design sparked more laughter then it did fear. The ship
could only be described as... a flying panty.
The Hentperial Panty Raider blasted away at the Blockade Runner.
While the Runner's blasts simply deflected off the Raider's forward
shielding, its own shots tore through the hull of the Runner. As the
exchange continued, one of the Raider's shots caught the Runner
amidships, causing a massive explosion.
Two droids on the ship could be seen attempting to retain their
balance. These were not ordinary droids, they were of a new breed
made by the Hentpire to look and act human. Human enough to be used
by the Hentperor and his trusted servants in an extremely *personal*
way. One of the two could be described as a male, tall, who had midback
length black hair and brilliant green eyes. His attire consisted of
white robes. His companion was decidedly female. She also had midback
length hair, however hers was a shade of purple. She wore snug fitting
clothes, which gave ample view of her well endowed figure.
As the ship was pummeled it became harder for the two droids to
remain upright. Troops aboard the beleaguered ship ran to secure
positions as they prepared for boarding. Suddenly a very violent
explosion rocked the ship.
"Did you hear that?" Mousse-3PO said to his counterpart.
"They've shut down the main reactor. We'll be destroyed for sure.
But at least I will go to my maker with you by my side Shampoo."
At this point he attempted to glomp his counterpart, but was beaten
back by an energy bonbori which crashed into the side of his head.
"Silly Mousse, we not dead yet," Shampoo Deetoo said as she dragged
the dazed malfunctioning form of her counterpart along. Troops continued
to take up positions as they readied for the inevitable boarding. They
would be up against lightning troopers, the best the Hentpire had to
throw at them. They took up their positions with a grim determination.
They would not go down easily.
"We're doomed," M-3PO said in a resigned tone "There'll be no
escape for the princess this time... but at least I have you." Again he
attempted to glomp onto Shampoo only to be beaten back by an elbow to the
jaw.
A strange metallic clanking sound resounded through the ship.
"What's that?" queried Mousse.
All of the rebel soldiers heard it as well. They knew what it was.
The runner was caught in the unrelenting grip of the Raider's tractor
beam and was being pulled into its massive docking bay. The sound heard
was the strain of the ship as it attempted to break free. It was failing.
The soldiers continued to look around until the sound was gone. An eerie
silence hung over the ship. The rebels knew what came next and aimed
their weapons at the airlock. There was a loud hissing sound from behind
the airlock before the door was engulfed in flame as it was being cut
through.
The door was blasted inwards and the sound was that of a thunder bolt.
It was at this point that all hell broke loose. From the now missing
door laser blasts erupted forth in a torrent. The rebels began to fire
back as the first lightning troopers stepped through the portal. The
corridor was completely engulfed in smoke. The lighting troopers
filed in wearing their all too well known armour.
Their armour was pure white and of a samurai heritage, they wore
samurai style helmets and skull like masks to cover their faces. As the
first of the lightning troopers muscled their way in they were cut down
easily by the rebels, but more and more piled out of the airlock to
replace them. They began to overwhelm the rebels within moments.
Seeing that it would be foolish to try to hold back the influx of
enemies, the remaining rebels began to retreat from the corridor. The
lightning troopers doggedly pursued their quarry. As they rounded a
corner the troopers hit a wall of rebels. The two sides began to
exchange fire across the corridor at each other.
Shampoo Deetoo and Mousse-3PO had their own problems.
They needed to get across the passageway, and dozens of laser
bolts screamed back and forth in front of them. The Hentpirials
didn't have enough troops to force the rebels back, and so it looked
like the firefight would last awhile.
"Fear not my lovely Shampoo," Mousse announced as they
huddled together in a doorway. "I shall protect you."
"Shampoo not need stupid Mousse's help," Shampoo replied.
"Shampoo get us out of mess herself."
With that she strutted out into the middle of the passageway
and bared her chest for Hentperial and Rebel alike. The shooting was
replaced by wolf-whistles and cat-calls. She smiled sweetly for them
and then scampered across to the other side, dragging Mousse
with her.
"Men *soooo* predictable," Shampoo said with a feline grin.
Without Shampoo Deetoo to ogle over, the two sides remembered
what they were supposed to be doing, and got back to the business
of frying each other with blaster fire.
A stray bolt exploded between Mousse and Shampoo -cutting
them off from the other. Mousse's photoreceptors, never very
efficient on a good day, blurred enough for him to miss Shampoo
ducking down a side passage.
"Oh Shampoo!" He cried mournfully. "Where are you?"
Shampoo was busy creeping down the passageway and making
a point to ignore M-3PO's pathetic cries. At one point his whiney
declaration of eternal love irritated her so much that she closed her
eyes in anger and processed different ways to disassemble him.
As such, she did not notice when a hand reached out of the
darkness for her. When it spun her around she opened her eyes
to see a young woman dressed in white with her hands on her. They
seemed to be undoing her blouse.
"What you doing, pervert girl?!" Shampoo demanded.
"I need you!" The woman replied desperately.
"Shampoo not programmed for that!"
"No, you stupid droid! Not *that!* ...I need you for--"
The woman didn't finish as Shampoo was readying energy
bonbori from her sides.
With no time to spare, the woman in white reached from
behind her back, produced a huge electromallet, and dropped it
square on Shampoo Deetoo's head. Current sparkled across
Shampoo's eyes as she jerked and twitched for a few seconds.
She was paralyzed but quite aware of what was going on around
her.
The woman finished undoing Shampoo's blouse, paused once
to look at Shampoo's chest, and sighed remorsefully about not
being nearly as well endowed as the droid. Then she was all
business again, opening the access panel above Shampoo's
cleavage and inserting a data file.
She had just buttoned up Shampoo's blouse when M-3PO
appeared from around the corner. He caught the tail end of the
procedure and drew his own conclusions.
"What are you doing to my beloved Shampoo!?" He raged.
The woman in white produced a blaster to defend herself.
"Take the droid and go!" She hissed at him.
The heavy armored boot steps of Hentperial troops added
force to her argument. Mousse grabbed up Shampoo Deetoo, and
dragged her towards the outboard bulkhead.
Shampoo was just starting to regain control over her body,
and began to squirm in protest.
"Release me, Mousse! Must kill stupid violent pervert girl
for what she do Shampoo!"
"No Shampoo!" M-3PO protested. "There are Hentperials
right behind us!"
"I think that hot purple-haired bimbo went this way!" A
Lightning Trooper cried out. His call was answered by the
amorous replies of his comrades that detailed what they were
going to do when they caught her.
Shampoo sizzled, all circuits drawing maximum current
within her.
"Shampoo not bimbo!" she fumed. "They pay for this!"
"No, Shampoo!" Mousse cried, struggling to hold on to
her.
He opened the Life Pod airlock door and shoved Shampoo
through. Before she could force her way past him, he had
entered and locked shut the hatch. The Life Pod automatically
fired, propelling them out of the ship and sending them spiraling
down to Tatooine.
On the Hentperial Panty Raider, Sensory reported the launching
of another Life Pod. Fire Control locked on to it, awaiting the
order to fire from Command.
"Hold your fire," the Officer of the Deck ordered. "There are
no life forms aboard. Must have short-circuited."
Out of the smoke from the ruined airlock hatch strode a menacing
figure dressed in black samurai armor. He towered over the lightning
troopers that remained behind to secure the hatch. Kunou Vader, Dark
Lord of the Hent, and known throughout the galaxy as the 'Black Thunder,'
surveyed the death and destruction around him and found it good.
As he strode to a center passageway, he saw that his troops had
already seized the Bridge and with it the ship's master. Without preamble
he seized the Captain by his throat and began to lift him off the deck.
A lightning trooper appeared and saluted.
"The Breast Star plans are *not* in the Main Computer," he
reported.
Kunou looked the Captain in the eyes.
"Where are those plans? Speak, wretch, lest I wring the very
spark of life's breath from thee!" He gripped the Captain tighter.
"This is a diplomatic ship," the Captain spluttered. "We
know nothing about this!"
"If this truly be a diplomatic vessel, then where pray tell is
the Ambassador?!"
Kunou had overdone it, for the Captain died in his grasp before
he could reply. The Dark Lord threw the corpse away in disgust. He
whirled on his staff aide and snarled.
"Commander, tear this curs'd ship apart until thou hast found
those plans, and bring forth the passengers unto me! Mark me well,
for I want them alive!"
The lightning troopers were searching for Shampoo. When they caught
a glimpse of a lovely young woman dressed in white, they decided she
would make a good warm-up exercise. They approached with all the
cocksureness that made bad-guys throughout the universe underestimate
their opponents.
So when Princess Akane Organa stepped out from behind a bulkhead
and blasted the closest lightning trooper through the chest, they were
a little taken aback.
That's not to say they didn't know what to do. One of the survivors
batted the pistol out of Akane's hands. Akane punched him in the visor
with such force that it cracked down the middle. Blood from a ruined
nose and mouth streamed down the front of his armor as he crumpled to
the ground and gurgled.
The others decided they didn't need a piece of her that bad. One
of them drew a stunner and shot her point blank. Akane slumped to the
ground, and the Hentperials gathered around her, getting a batting
order together.
Before they could touch her, a Hentperial officer appeared and
stopped them with two words: Kunou Vader.
The lightning troopers blanched in fear, then picked Akane up and
carried her off.
A morose Princess Akane was led before Kunou Vader.
"Kunou Vader," Akane said bitterly. "Only you would be so bold."
Kunou seemed to take this as a complement.
"Ah, such spirit from the lovely Princess Akane!"
Akane made a disgusted face.
Kunou got down to brass tacks. "Several transmissions were beamed
aboard this vessel. I want those plans, and I will have them now!"
Akane feigned ignorance. "I don't know what you're talking about,
Kunou! I'm on a diplomatic mission sent --"
Kunou cut her off.
"Thou art part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor!" He turned
to the lightning trooper detachment that held her. "Take her away!
See to it that she is not disturbed until I come for her."
The lighting troopers took her away. Kunou began walking along
the corridors of the ship with his Hentperial lackey Sasuke at his
side.
"Don't you think holding her is dangerous, Lord Kunou?"
"Prithee speak thy diminutive mind, Sasuke," Kunou sighed.
"If word of this gets to the Senate, it may generate sympathy
for the Rebellion."
"Our spies have traced the transmissions to her. Through her
I shall find the location of the Rebel base and smite it with a mighty
blow."
"She'll die before she tells you," Sasuke said matter-of-factly.
"No," Kunou said. "I have other plans for her."
A Hentperial officer stepped up to them.
"Lord Kunou, there have been no transmissions from the ship.
An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting. It contained no
life forms."
Kunou smacked his fist into his palm. "Truly, they must have hidden
the plans aboard. Send forth a detachment to the planet to retrieve them.
See to this course of action personally, Commander."
"At once, Lord Kunou."
* * *
"What a desolate place this is," Mousse commented as he
studied the barren landscape of Tatooine. Sand as far as the eye
could see, and even farther due to Mousse's droid enhanced
vision (when it worked). He staggered slightly as his balance
centre had still not recalibrated itself after the rough landing.
Beside him Shampoo looked for any indication of...anything.
"Why stupid Mousse have to get us stuck on stupid planet?" She
glared at her companion.
"But Shampoo. They would have done unspeakable things to
you. I couldn't let that happen. Besides, now we are alone together."
He immediately attempted for a diving glomp but Shampoo sidestepped
just as he was going to make contact. He got up only to see Shampoo
heading off towards some rocks in the distance.
Spitting sand from his mouth he called out, "wait Shampoo!
Don't go that way. It's much too rocky, you could get hurt. This
way is much easier." he said indicating a much clearer path.
Shampoo turned at that and glared at him.
"Shampoo perfectly fine going that way. If stupid Mousse think
his way better, then Shampoo help him." She proceeded to punt
Mousse into LTO before turning and heading off towards the rocks
she had seen.
Mousse came down with an unceremonious THUMP! He got
up shaking his head, and then began to scan the landscape. **Oh no!**
he thought. **Which way did Shampoo go?** He continued to scan
until something caught his photoreceptor. Something in the distance
glinted. Light on metal. And whatever it was, it was getting closer.
His heart soared. Now he would be able to find his beloved Shampoo.
He began to wave his arms frantically. "Over here!" he called out.
"Over here! Please help!"
Shampoo walked along the jagged rocks carefully. She pouted to
herself silently. She would never admit it to anyone, but right now she
really wanted Mousse to be with her. She did not like where she was and
desperately wanted a companion.
Up ahead she heard a sound, metal on rock. She froze and turned up
the gain on her audio receptors. The sound did not repeat itself. She
continued on at a more cautious pace, keeping the noise she made to a
minimum.
Off to the side and out of sight a pair of glowing eyes peeked
out at the stealthily moving droid. The creature conversed with another
in a hushed whisper. The scanners didn't lie. This apparent human was
a droid, it had to be.
A small pebble dislodged itself from under the creature's foot as
it shifted, and it tumbled down the cliff. The creature cursed itself
and retreated into the shadows. Shampoo, startled by the sound, froze
and began to scan her surroundings. **Something is out there.** she
thought to herself. **But what? And where is it?**
She pulled two handles from compartments in either leg. They were
about a eight inches long. She thumbed the activation switches on each
of them, and a large energy mace formed on each shaft. She began to
move forward again.
Suddenly, out of the crevices around her sprang brown robed
creatures. They began jabbering at her. Shampoo immediately went on
the offensive. She charged at the main group and was about to strike
them when an energy blast hit her from behind. As her systems began
shorting out, she fell helplessly to the ground. She watched as the
small hooded creatures approached her and picked her up.
The Jawas carried the prone form of Shampoo Deetoo over to their
gigantic sand crawler. They searched her body for a place to fasten a
restraining bolt. When it became apparent that this droid had no
accessible metal to fasten it to, they opted on locking it in place above
her left breast. The bolt penetrated the synthetic flesh, drawing some
artificial blood, and latched onto the metal skeleton. Satisfied, the
Jawas placed her under a large tube which proceeded to suck her into the
bowels of the massive crawler.
Shampoo resumed normal functions in what appeared to be a dimly lit
room full of junk. The junk suddenly began to stir, and she found that she
was in the company of a motley and battered assortment of droids. The
droids walked, or hopped, or floated about at random, emitting a vast
spectrum of bleeps, warbles, whistles, and alien tongues.
She also saw M-3PO sitting sullenly in a corner, softly weeping for
his lost Shampoo. As pathetic as he looked, Shampoo was glad to see a
familiar face. She picked her way through the droids to plop down in
his lap.
"Miss me, silly Mousse?"
She should have known better.
Mousse looked up, realized that it was Shampoo, and glomped
onto her with all his might.
"That enough!" Shampoo cried. "I happy see you too."
Shampoo clubbed him on the head with her energy bonbori, disabling
him long enough to free herself from his smothering embrace.
"Shampoo not know why she bother sometimes," she harrumphed.
The sand crawler came to a halt, and a large door opened in the
side of the room to let in the searing Tatooine sunlight.
"Now what happen?" Shampoo asked aloud.
* * *
Ryouga Lostwalker looked up into the blistering Tatooine sky
and sighed. He was never getting off this rock, even if he could find
his way. There was a whole universe up there above him, waiting.
"It might be waiting forever," he sighed. He was depressed, which
was about normal for him.
His home was mostly underground, dug into small grotto that kept
the merciless suns G1 and G2 at bay for much of the day. It was also a
little confusing for him. He got lost a lot.
It was a family trait, no doubt the reason they were named
Lostwalker. Ryouga never knew when he and his parents would be home at
the same time, so it was no surprise to find a note taped to the
refrigerator that read:
"Going to check out the south field moisture collectors, be home
by dinner. -Dad."
Ryouga looked around at the thick layer of dust that had collected
in the kitchen and surmised that Mom had gotten lost as well. For not
being a genetic Lostwalker, she certainly fit in well with the family.
He sighed again.
**So much for dinner...**
As he looked around for something remotely edible he noticed
that the note from his father had a postscript.
"P.S. -Just in case I get lost or something, I need you to buy
a couple droids from the Jawas when they show up. I need units
that will help with the collectors."
As he read the last of the note, the ground began to rumble.
"The Jawas are here already?!" He cried.
Fortunately, Dad was expecting the worst, so it didn't take Ryouga
long to find the money he had left to buy the droids. It only took
three tries to find the stairs that led from the courtyard of the grotto
to the top of the sandstone mesa.
The dark rusty form of the Jawa sandcrawler thankfully blotted
out the suns. Jawas scuttled about getting their junk arranged. Ryouga
often wondered how the Jawas managed to get so many droids, and figured
that most of them had been carried on board for many years.
He watched the droids as they appeared. They were a sorry lot,
and he didn't see anything that could help the family business.
Considering the number of moisture farms the Jawas had visited
before reaching the Lostwalkers, this was not a surprise. He was
about to tell the Jawa leader to move on when he spied two humanoid
droids, styled apparently after a man and a woman. He knew they
had to be droids, they wore restraining bolts after all. He had never
seen or even heard of any droids that so closely approximated a
human.
Ryouga led a sheltered life. Rare was the day when he saw an
attractive humanoid female, and because of this he was painfully
shy around them. The female droid winked a photoreceptor at him,
and he felt all gushy inside.
Shampoo Deetoo was ready to try anything to escape the Jawas.
She knew that as long as they held the keys to her restraining bolt,
it was hopeless to fight or make a break for it. Her only chance was
to get herself sold.
As luck would have it, the farmer who stood outside looked rather
trustworthy, which was Shampoo's personal shorthand for someone
who tended to be gullible. He was also rather cute, for an organic,
and seemed to Shampoo's trained photoreceptor to be awkward
around the fairer sex -or at least a convincing facsimile. Yes, he would
do.
A wink proved this. His thermal levels peaked around his face,
ears, and throat. Yes, this one would be easy to manipulate. Freedom
was as good as hers.
Ryouga tried not to stare at the purple-haried droid as she wiggled
and bounced shamelessly around him. M-3PO had already been zapped into
non-functionality after vehement protest of her behavior. The jawas
jabbered amongst themselves, sure of a quick sale.
"A-Are y-yyou fluent in th-the b-binary l-l-language of m-moisture
separators?" He stammered, trying to keep his bulging eyes off her,
ahem, qualifications.
"Shampoo fluent in many tongues..." she purred in his ear.
Ryouga managed to find a previously undocumented shade of red.
"Uh... C-Can you handle h-heavy loads?"
Shampoo eyed him coyly, starting from his groin and working her
way up.
"Shampoo manage."
One of the Jawas managed to slip a sum of money out of Ryouga's
trembling hand and replace it with the restraining bolt key while the
young man blushed furiously. Shampoo considered taking the key and
making a break for it. The sounds of M-3PO returning groggily to normal
functions was like a stab of conscience right in her CPU.
"One more thing," she whispered huskily into Ryouga's ear.
"W-W-What is it?" Ryouga stammered in reply.
"Must take M-3PO unit as well," she said. She had the feeling she
might regret the decision, but she didn't feel comfortable with the idea
of leaving Mousse with the Jawas.
"Uh, okay," he replied, handing money to the Jawa leader. **Dad
did say he needed two droids...** He looked at the lovely Shampoo
Deetoo, who was busy trying to get Mousse on his feet. **Wonder
what Mom will think when she sees this one...?**
The transactions complete, the Jawa sandcruiser rolled ponderously
away from the house. Ryouga looked at his two new droids.
"Um, I'm Ryouga Lostwalker," he began. "You'll probably start
working for my dad tomorrow, and in the meantime, since my parents
aren't home at the moment, um, is there anything you need done to
you?"
Shampoo grinned at him coyly.
"Maintenance wise," Ryouga hastily added with a blush.
"Shampoo could use good cleaning up," she said after an instant's
processing time. "Stupid Hentpire blasters get Shampoo all full of soot."
Ryouga looked shocked. "You know of the rebellion against the
Hentpire?"
"Shampoo not know much," she replied. "Shampoo mostly servant
droid." She looked to Mousse, who seemed to be sulking quietly to
himself as they walked towards the grotto. "Mousse-3PO and Shampoo
been through several battles, only they not let Shampoo fight." At
this she looked to Mousse to see if her barb hit home. He remained
silent. She continued, "Shampoo good fighter."
"Not much use for that here I guess," Ryouga replied, feeling
a little more comfortable now that the gorgeous purple-haired droid
wasn't vamping him. "Sometimes there's trouble with the sand people
or a pack of womp-boars come down out of the mountains every
now and again, but that's about it. Nothing like fighting the Hentpire."
They stopped. The grotto was nowhere to be found. In fact they
were several dozen yards into the desert.
"Where are those stupid stairs?" Ryouga cursed.
"What stairs you talking about, Master Ryouga?" Shampoo asked.
"The stairs that lead down into the grotto," Ryouga answered, still
looking around to see where he was. With little structure above ground,
it was easy to miss his home in the desert.
"We pass those minutes ago," Shampoo declared. "We wonder
where you going, but figure you know best, so Shampoo not say
anything."
Ryouga grit his teeth and popped his knuckles. He hated getting
lost, but getting lost in front of others -even droids- was almost too
embarassing to face.
"Sorry," he managed weakly. "I guess I just got carried away
with all this talk about fighting the Hentpire."
"Is okay," Shampoo Deetoo said. "Stairs back way we came."
She had to catch him by the arm and spin him in the right direction,
because he started off in entirely the wrong direction. Ryouga blushed
again and tried to maintain his composure.
After a few false starts and missed turns, Ryouga led the two droids
to the garage. It didn't seem very appropriate considering their human
appearance and mannerisms, but he didn't know where else to put them.
He was pretty sure his mother wouldn't be very happy about Shampoo.
He pointed out the power receptacle for them, then a space where
they could shut down and rest. Mousse-3PO settled down atop an old
shipping crate and watched sullenly as Shampoo followed Ryouga
around.
Spying a deepsink and a garden hose, Shampoo immediately
doffed her clothes in a lightning swift move. Ryouga turned around in
time to get more than an eyeful, and twin fountains of blood geysered
from his nostrils as the female droid began washing herself.
"Have you no shame?!" Mousse thundered, rising with a whine
of straining myomer bundles and actuators. As Ryouga blacked out,
he wasn't sure if Mousse was talking about him or Shampoo.
Shampoo finished her washdown with the hose and let the sink's
conserver fitting absorb any precious moisture that evaporated off her
body.
"Why Master Ryouga on floor?" She asked a seething M-3PO.
"What is wrong with you?" Mousse roared. "You've been
coming onto him since the moment you saw him!"
Shampoo Deetoo placed her hands on her bare hips and glared
back at him.
"Stupid Mousse. If not for Shampoo, you still be rusting in
Jawa sandcrawler. Shampoo do what necessary for us escape."
Mousse glared silently.
She gave him an appraising look. "You jealous?"
Mousse crossed his arms over his chest.
"Shampoo thought so," she replied with an air of triumph. "Only
jealous angry Mousse not sieze chance to glomp Shampoo when naked. Now
let see why Ryouga on floor."
"I think he fainted," Mousse sniffed.
"Why he faint?"
"After he saw you naked, he started getting a nosebleed, then
he keeled over."
Shampoo nodded in understanding. She had seen it before.
She decided dressing would be a good idea before stirring Ryouga.
Ryouga awoke, trying not to think of Shampoo in the buff.
As was mentioned previously, he had led a sheltered life. He
considered himself lucky not to have gone blind from the experience.
Mousse sat perched on his crate while Shampoo, thankfully
dressed, preened at her luxuriant fall of long purple hair. The two
droids regarded him with a look of concern.
"Master Ryouga okay?' Shampoo asked.
"Uh... Yeah, I guess so. I think." His voice sounded pinched,
a bit nasal. He reached up to find two pieces of blood soaked tissue
paper lodged in his nostrils to staunch the flow.
"Shampoo sorry," she said to him, then gave Mousse a dirty
look.
"Uh, don't worry about it," Ryouga replied. He looked at his
watch. "It's getting late. I'm going to see if my parents are home yet.
I need to drop some stuff off for Tofu Kenobi, and I'll need to ask
them for the speeder."
Shampoo's photoreceptors suddenly glared brighter for a moment
at the mention of the name Kenobi. Something stirred within her breast,
a command routine came to life that she fought with all the power of her
autonomous function routines to suppress. She wouldn't be that stupid
pervert princess' errand girl!
"I'll be back in a few minutes," Ryouga said. Then he was gone.
Time passed. A lot of it. The suns had set for the night and a chill
had settled over the garage in spite of the insulating sand and rock
around it.
"He been gone long time," Shampoo observed.
"That he has," Mousse admitted.
"Think maybe he lost again?"
"He could be."
"Shampoo go look for him," she said, standing. "Mousse come
if he wants, Shampoo not care one way or other."
Mousse processed the idea for about 0.000000021 seconds.
"Wait up, Shampoo!"
* * *
The conference room aboard the Breast Star had a cold sterile feel
to it. The room was colourless and soulless. Much like the Hentpirial
officers who sat clustered around the conference table. One of those
gathered spoke.
"I tell you he's gone too far this time," General Tagge said.
"The rebellion is much more dangerous than you give them credit for.
Their equipment may be outdated, but something propels them that is more
deadly than their ships. Their belief in their cause and their
stubbornness to surrender. They are a great danger to us."
"Perhaps to your starfleet, but not to this battle station," another
general spoke up.
"No," Tagge replied. "The rebel alliance will continue to gain
support in the Senate as long as--"
He was cut off as two figures entered the room. "Da kine Hentperial
Senate will no longer be of any concern to us, bruddah," Grand Moff
Koucho said as he took his seat. Kunou Vader took his position standing
behind him.
Like the other officers, Koucho wore a drab grey uniform. He
also wore a multicolored lei and a pair of cheap sunglasses. A palm tree
seemed to grow out of the top of his head.
"I have just received word that da kine Hentperor has dissolved
that misguided body," he continued. A gasp of astonishment came from
all those assembled. "Da last remnants of da Old Republic have been
swept away."
"This is impossible," Tagge interjected. "How will the Hentpire
retain control without the bureaucracy?"
"Da Regional Governors will now have direct control over their
territories," he smiled. "Fear will keep da local systems in line,
brah. Fear of this No Ka Oi battlestation."
"But what of the rebellion," Tagge continued. "If they somehow
gained access to a full technical readout of this station, there is
the possibility, no matter how unlikely, that they could determine a
weak point, and exploit it."
"Hold thy tongue, Tagge," Vader rumbled from his position behind
Kouchou. "The tapes of which you speak will soon be back in our hands."
Koucho waved the Dark Lord off, something others would never
attempt. "It is inconsequential, brah. Any attack made on da kine would
be suicidal at best. This station is now da No Ka Oi power in this
quadrant of the galaxy. I suggest we exploit it."
Kunou gestured with a black gloved hand and a cup rose from the table
and floated over to him. "Do not be overly proud of this technological
terror thou hath constructed. The mere ability to smite a planet pales
before the power of the Chi." He sipped from the cup.
"The Chi?" Tagge sneered. "Don't try to frighten us with your
sorcerer's ways, Lord Kunou. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion
has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes. Or given you
clairvoyance enough to discern the location of the rebels..."
He was cut off as his body shook violently. In his mind he was
privy to a very X-rated scene between himself and a large female Hutt.
He shuddered violently and began screaming.
Kunou looked on, smiling.
"I find thy lack of faith disturbing."
Tagge continued to convulse, clearly disgusted by what he was
forced to think about.
"Enough of this," Koucho said angrily. "This bickering amongst
ourselves is pointless. Kunou, release da bruddah."
"As you wish," was his son's curt reply. Suddenly the visions in
Tagge's mind dissipated, and he slumped down onto the conference table,
drool escaping his open mouth. His eyes held the vacant look of someone
who had peered into hell.
Two troopers stepped over to the prone form of Tagge and dragged him
from the room. Koucho regarded the remaining officers. "Lord Kunou will
provide us with da location of da rebel base by da time this station
is fully operational. That known, we will proceed to it and destroy it,
crushing da rebellion in one swift stroke."
* * *
Shampoo Deetoo wasn't designed to track people. She was designed to
kick ass, take names, and look sexy doing it. It wasn't until nearly
daybreak that a sign of Ryouga could be found. Footprints in the sand led
west towards the mountains.
The two droids began their long march through the desert. Shampoo was
amazed to think that Ryouga would continue walking further and further into
the desert without realizing that he was doing so. His footprints continued
inexorably into the west.
As the twin suns made their long climb into the sky and the heat beat
down upon the two, they at last made their way into the rocky foothills
at the foot of jagged sandstone mountains. The way was harder now, and
Shampoo strained her photoreceptors for some further sign of Ryouga's
passage. Mousse of course was little help, and his constant drone of
misery at their fate grated upon Shampoo's patience algorithms.
"No worry, Mousse. Shampoo set inertial compass. Find way back to
farm if need be. Find way off planet from there."
"What about Ryouga?" Mousse whined.
"Shampoo not give up yet!"
Not far away, Ryouga at last realized that he was lost. He also
realized that he had forgotten to borrow the landspeeder from Mom and
Dad. A curse issued forth from his lips as he wondered where the hell
he was.
The mountains looked sort of familiar, but he wasn't sure from
where. He wondered how far he had walked from home, and decided that
it was a long long way if he was in the mountains. He hoped there
weren't any womp-boars around. He had forgotten his trusty slug-rifle
along with the speeder. There were also the Tusken Raiders to think
about.
As he was thinking about them, one came up from behind a rock and
tried to smash his skull in with a gaffee stick.
Shampoo Deetoo and Mousse-3PO heard the cry of a wounded beast
echo across the windbeaten rocks. This was followed by the sound of
Ryouga roaring some kind of battle cry. Wasting no time on speculation,
Shampoo charged off in the direction of the noise.
She found Ryouga pummelling a Tusken Raider into the ground.
Several others were spread about his feet, unconscious. About a dozen
more of the sand people were rushing down from the jagged rocks to join
the fight and overwhelm him.
She let out a war cry and leaped into the fray, heedless of
Mousse's pleas for caution. The first raider she encountered lashed his
gaffee stick at her. She slipped past the stroke with ease and grappled
with the smelly creature. Synthetic muscles sang as she ripped the
staff from the raider's hands and brought it across its bandaged
face. A swift reversal sent it spilling to the ground with a fractured
skull.
A second raider changed targets to engage with her even as she
finished off the first. Shampoo threw the gaffee stick aside and produced
her energy bonbori. Before the second raider knew what was happening,
Shampoo was drumming a samba beat on his forehead.
Mousse was under attack faster than he realized. Three more sand
people rushed him from another outcropping of rock. Reaching into his
sleeve he pulled out a 10mm gauss machine-gun that couldn't possibly have
fit beneath his robes.
Too late the sand people realized that they were charging headlong
to their doom. The gauss MG opened up with a roar of nickel plasma and
the staccato beat of flechette sabots jingling on sandstone. About seven-
hundred ferric darts later, the three flew backwards looking like they
had been run through a tree-shredder.
Mousse studied the ruin he had wrought with grim satisfaction, and
dropped the depleted MG at his feet. Such was a technique that only
worked once. Drawing a heavy iron ball and chain from his other sleeve,
he cried out and leaped blindly into the fray.
And smashed himself face-first into a wall of sandstone, tripping
various internal circuit breakers, and knocking himself out of the
fight.
Ryouga shrugged off a blow that would have felled a lesser man,
paying the raider back with a head butt so savage as to lay it out
spread-eagle on the bloody stone at his feet. Before he could shift his
footing to engage the next one, another grabbed him from behind and
wrenched him into the air.
Shampoo Deetoo clobbered another Tusken Raider with her bonbori.
It felt so good to cut loose for once that she almost didn't notice
the raider who grappled with Ryouga. She leaped into the air, maces
poised to drive the fetid beast's spine down into his boots.
"I come, Master Ryouga!" she cried.
The raider threw Ryouga down, stunning him. Shampoo's bonbori
came down on its head a moment later. There was the distinctive
sound of a spinal column being driven down into boots, and then
the raider pitched forward, stone cold dead.
"Master Ryouga!" Shampoo cried. "Is you okay?"
Ryouga tried to raise himself up onto all-fours. A groggy moan
escaped his lips.
Shampoo Deetoo spared a brief glance for Ryouga as still more
Tusken Raiders filtered down from rocky crags. Her keen photoreceptors
noted that a few of them carried crude pneumatic slug-rifles. She
knew that no pneumo-round could pierce the layer of aramyd-weave
that lay beneath her synthetic skin, but also knew Ryouga wouldn't
be as fortunate.
"Where is you, Mousse?" she cried. The fool had his moments, and
she could use all the help she could get.
Mousse didn't answer. Shampoo's circuits flashed with alarm. She
weighed the options of carrying Ryouga and still being able to make her
escape, and decided the odds weren't very promising.
The sand people grunted and hooted with glee as they prepared to
make their next charge. There was only one left, and they knew they could
overwhelm her. Victory and spoils would be theirs.
A loud ululating wail that seemed to come from every direction
filled the air. The sand people stopped in their tracks. Shampoo Deetoo
stood her ground, ready for anything at this point.
The wail came again, closer this time. The sand people began high-
tailing it out of there. They didn't even bother with their wounded
as they fled.
Shampoo Deetoo kept her sensors peeled. She spied a figure wrapped
in a coarse brown cloak making his way down the rocks and readied herself
for more combat. Ryouga pulled himself to his feet with a grunt.
"Who that?" Shampoo whispered to him.
Ryouga looked at the figure.
"Toufu!" he cried happily. "It's Toufu Kenobi!"
The figure threw off his hood to reveal a handsome bespectacled
face.
"Hello there," he said to them. "It seems like I'm always saving
someone from the sand people these days."
* * *
They were safely in Toufu's modest home in the foothills. Mousse had
regained function and sulked in the corner while Shampoo fussed over
Ryouga's cuts and bruises. Toufu brought Ryouga some tea.
"So what brings you out here, Ryouga? Lost again?"
Ryouga blushed. "Not really," he replied. "I was looking for you."
"Oh?"
"Yeah," Ryouga continued. "There were some things Mom and Dad said you
needed. I was going to deliver them to you."
"Well you're lucky you found me, or rather I found you, when you
did. I was all set to leave Tatooine."
"Leave?!" Ryouga cried, a little jealous of him.
"I wish it could be for pleasant reasons," Toufu replied. "I really
don't want to go, but I made a promise to someone special to me."
Ryouga tried to take in Toufu's words. He couldn't imagine the man
having anyone special in his life. He was a reclusive hermit for all
Ryouga and his parents knew of him.
"What promise?" Ryouga asked. "Where are you going?"
"A promise I made to a starfighter pilot of the Rebel Alliance,"
the man replied. "Her name is Kasumi Antilles." At the mention of her
name his glasses began to fog.
"The Rebel Alliance?" Ryouga asked excitedly. "Why would they want
you?"
Toufu lowered his head.
"I wasn't always Toufu Kenobi the hermit," he said reflectively.
"There was a time when I was once a Jedi Knight. I was known as Oni Wan
Kenobi then."
Shampoo's photoreceptors lit up. The command routine that she
suppressed deep within her fought back savagely. She couldn't hold back
any longer.
"Shampoo have something for you," she told him in a tight voice.
"Oh?" Toufu replied.
Shampoo's eyes went dim for a moment, and then lit up brightly.
A hologram appeared on the floor between them. A young woman, clad in
white, looked furtively around her before speaking.
"General Kenobi, years ago you served my father in the Otaku Wars.
Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Hentpire. I
regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person,
but my ship has fallen under attack, and I'm afraid my mission to bring
you to Alderaan has failed.
"I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion
in the memory systems of this Shampoo unit. My father will know how to
retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan.
"This is our most desperate hour. Help me Oni Wan Kenobi, you're my
only hope..."
"She's beautiful," Ryouga gasped. "Who is she?"
Toufu said nothing. His face darkened, and he sat in deep thought.
"Shampoo want data out at once!" The droid cried angrily.
"I agree!" Mousse said suddenly from the corner where he sulked.
Oni Wan looked up at the two droids. "The only way to remove the
data is to go to Alderaan..." He said to them. "It seems that any
reluctance I had in leaving Tatooine must now be cast aside. I must
go to Alderaan, and I must bring these droids with me. For Princess
Akane's sake, as well as the galaxy's."
He looked to Ryouga.
"Come with me, Ryouga. Learn the ways of the Chi and become a
Jedi like me. I can feel how strongly the Chi flows through you."
Ryouga Lostwalker looked aghast.
"Come with you?" he cried. "I can't! I mean, it's not that I don't
want to, but there's my parents and the farm to think about. I hate
the Hentpire, but there's just nothing I can do about it."
"That's your father talking," Toufu replied.
Ryouga bowed his head.
"If we go back home and get the speeder, I can take you as far as
Anchorhead. You could probably get a transport to Mos Eisley or wherever
it is that you're going..."
"Do what you feel is right," Toufu said softly. "But as for the droids,
they must come with me."
Shampoo and Mousse looked at each other for a moment.
"We stay with Master Ryouga," Shampoo declared slowly. Even if it
meant a ticket off Tatooine, she did not like the idea of helping that
perverted princess!
"No Shampoo," Ryouga replied. "You need to go with Oni Wan. Besides,
I don't think my Mom would ever approve of you."
"It is also the only way to have the data removed from you," Toufu
pointed out.
* * *
They started back down into the desert. The heat of the suns was
powerful, but as they had no means of transportation other than walking,
they had to bear it. Shampoo Deetoo's inertial compass guided them,
which was a good thing, as Ryouga didn't have the slightest idea how to
get home.
As the day turned towards afternoon they spied a thin column of
black smoke on the horizon. Within two hours they came across the ruins
of a Jawa sandcrawler. Dead jawas littered the stony ground, and small
fires burned themselves out.
"Who did this?" Ryouga asked. "Sand people? There's bantha tracks
all over the place, but I've never heard of them hitting anything this
big before, or so far from the Jungland Wastes."
Toufu studied the ruins.
"We are meant to think that sand people did this," he announced.
Then he stooped and picked up a ragged magazine from the ground. Photos
of nude alien females performing questionable sex acts abounded on every
page. "But the truth is that the Hentpire did this."
He threw the magazine on one of the fires.
"The Hentpire?" Ryouga asked. "Why would they want to slaughter
jawas."
"Shampoo no care," the purple-haired droid declared. "Shampoo
hate smelly jawas."
"My guess is that they were looking for something," Toufu replied,
looking right at Shampoo Deetoo. "They were looking for the droids."
Ryouga looked at Shampoo as well. His brow furrowed in thought.
"If the Hentpire could trace the droids as far as the jawas, then
that means the could trace them to..." Worry clouded his face. "Home!"
He started running into the desert. Shampoo chased after him,
followed by Mousse and Toufu.
"Wait, Ryouga!" the Jedi called to him.
"Master Ryouga!" Shampoo cried. "You no get ahead of Shampoo! You
get lost without Shampoo!"
But Ryouga didn't get lost. He kept running for another two hours,
utterly tireless, and leaving Mousse and Toufu far behind. Only Shampoo
Deetoo could keep up with him.
More columns of black smoke greeted them. Ryouga's heart began to
twist in knots as he saw the farm lying destroyed before him. He hoped
and begged that his parents were still lost somewhere.
"Mom?! Dad?!" he called out to the charred ruins.
There was no answer. He couldn't find them. They must be lost again.
Hope swelled in his heart.
Shampoo's gasp of horror crushed it.
Ryouga slowly walked over to where the purple-haired droid stood.
Two skeletons lay in the threshold of the one of the domes' doorways.
The structure had been gutted by fire, which had burned the flesh off the
bodies of his parents. He could see the small holes drilled through
their skulls where blaster bolts had struck them.
The Hentpire had murdered his family.
Rage and anguish wrenched up within him. Tears streamed from his
eyes as he trembled. Shampoo placed a comforting hand upon her master,
but the touch drove him to his knees with a wracking sob.
Suddenly he sprang up, and with a soul rending cry of anguish,
a blast of pure energy burst from his hands, razing the dome to the ground.
Shampoo Deetoo drew back in terror, even as Ryouga Lostwalker fell to
the ground again and wept.
When Mousse-3PO and Oni Wan Kenobi caught up to them, Ryouga was
sitting in a daze before the remains of his parents. Shampoo stood
away from Ryouga, unable to comfort him. Toufu saw the carnage and
squinted his eyes shut against the tears.
"There's nothing for me now," Ryouga announced quietly. He looked
up to Oni Wan. "I will go with you to Alderaan. I want to become a Jedi
and avenge the death of my parents."
"Not for revenge," Toufu warned. "Such is the way of the Hentpire.
You must use the Chi for good."
"Then to spare the people of the galaxy from the suffering I have
just endured."
Toufu nodded slowly.
"I will teach you the ways of the Jedi."
They buried Ryouga Lostwalker's parents before the sunset. Ryouga
stood over their graves for some time afterwards. Shampoo Deetoo watched
over Ryouga from a distance as Mousse and Oni Wan searched the ruins
for the landspeeder. They found it still in working order, though the
rest of the garage was ransacked.
That night they headed east into the desert, never to return.
* * *
In one of the labyrinth of corridors that made up the bulk of the
Breast Star's interior, a procession of guards was led by Kunou Vader
to the holding cell of Princess Akane. Kunou approached the hatch
to the princess' cell and opened it. He proceeded in, followed by
several of his minions.
Akane scowled at him from her cot and took stock of her situation.
The odds were not in her favour.
"And now, my tiger-spirited beauty," Kunou began. He motioned for
something behind him, and a large black globe floated into the room.
Akane had heard of these devices. Interrogation droids. One of the
most feared constructs of the Hentpire.
"You will now divulge the location of the accursed rebellion so
that we might smite it, and release thee from its sorcerous ways."
He looked to Akane and then to the droid. Akane could swear she
saw a look of...pity? on his face. Kunou waited for a response, and
when one was not forthcoming, he sighed in resignation.
"Know that I take no pleasure in this," he said before the door to
the cell slammed shut.
* * *
"Mos Eisley Spaceport," Toufu declared, waving his hand out across
the flat desolate plain. In the distance, bulk freighters lumbered into
the air as tiny skiffs and gigs darted to and fro. The city lay sprawled
out beneath them, its structures a dingy grey growth of ferrocrete and
fusion formed paving spiraling unchecked into the desert.
"It look like Tucson," Shampoo said quietly.
"Never in your life will you find a more wretched hive of scum
and villainy," Toufu continued, ignoring Shampoo's remark even if he
couldn't argue with it. With an admonishing look to Ryouga and the two
droids he added, "we must be cautious."
As they entered the outskirts of town they ran into a checkpoint
set up by a squad of Hentpirial lightning troopers. The white clad
troopers motioned for them to stop with their blaster rifles. Ryouga
pulled the speeder up short of them, and they approached.
The troopers looked over the speeder, paying close attention to
Shampoo Deetoo and M-3PO.
"How long have you had these droids," the lighting trooper sergeant
demanded.
"T-Three or four seasons," Ryouga replied.
"They're for sale if you like," Toufu added.
"We'll have to see your titles on these two," the sergeant
announced. Ryouga began to squirm in his seat.
"You don't need to see any titles," Toufu said in a low voice to
the trooper. Ryouga thought the hermit had just gone off the deep end
for saying something like that.
The trooper sergeant cocked his head for a second and replied,
"We don't need to see their titles."
"These aren't the droids you're looking for," Toufu said quietly
to the lightning trooper sergeant.
The sergeant turned to one of his troops as if the idea were his,
and declared, "these aren't the droids we're looking for." The trooper
cocked his head for a second in puzzlement, but decided to let it go.
The Hentpire took a dim view of its minions questioning their superiors.
The sergeant nodded dumbly, entranced.
"He can go about his business," the Jedi murmured.
"You can go about your business," the sergeant declared.
"Now move along," Toufu said with a gentle motion of his hand.
"Move along," the sergeant ordered. He waved them through the
checkpoint. "Move along."
Ryouga wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. He goosed
the throttle and the speeder zipped past and into the city proper.
"I thought we were done for," he gasped when they were well clear.
"The Chi can have a powerful effect on the weak minded," Oni Wan
replied.
"Shampoo impressed."
Toufu ushered Ryouga and the two droids into perhaps one of the
seediest bars in Mos Eisley. It smelled funny, and was filled with all
manner of aliens. The band also stunk. Despite this, Kenobi believed
that he could find a pilot here. Someone caught his eye. He headed off
towards the bar.
Ryouga just stood at the threshold and took a look around.
"Wow," he mumbled to himself. Sure he considered himself a litle
bit of a wild kid, but the only places he'd ever been to on Tatooine
were Anchorhead, Tosche and Beggar's Canyon. Well, when he could find
the places. This was a little more than he had expected. There were so
many different kinds of beings present, he'd never known that so much
happened on the Kami forsaken dustball.
His attention was brought back to his surroundings as he heard
whistling and catcalls. He looked around to notice that the patrons
of the bar were staring at Shampoo Deetoo and generally making asses
of themselves. He looked back to see Mousse using all his strength to
restrain her from trying to kill the offending parties.
"Shampoo," he said. "You better wait outside." He gestured back
to the crowd. "We don't want any troubles right now."
Shampoo sagged a bit, really wanting to knock some heads, but
nodded and made her way out of the tavern. A chorus of boo's followed
her out as the customers turned back to whatever they had been doing
before. Ryouga approached the bar, and noticing that the bartender was
not paying attention, tugged on his sleeve.
The bartender turned around and grunted a question.
"I'll have a Corellian ale," Ryouga said as he leaned against
the bar, The bartender nodded and turned around to fix the drink,
coming back moments later and handing it to Ryouga. Ryouga nodded his
thanks.
Suddenly Ryouga was shoved roughly from behind. He turned to see
a strange green-skinned alien with a frog-like face looking at him
menacingingly. It blurbled something out in its language in a tone
that did not leave any question of its intent. Ryouga decided to play
it safe and act as if he weren't there. He turned back towards the bar.
He then felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to face a man who looked
like he had been introduced face to face to a Mack truck.
"He doesn't like you," said the man gesturing to the alien that
had harrassed Ryouga.
"I'm sorry about that," Ryouga replied, really wanting to be
somewhere else at the moment.
"I don't like you either," said the man as if he hadn't heard Ryouga.
"You'd better watch yourself. My friend and I have the death sentence in
over twelve systems." Now Ryouga knew he REALLY didn't want to be there.
But he couldn't show any fear and decided to try bravado.
"I'll be careful." he said, wanting to kick himself as the words
left his mouth.
"You'll be dead!!"
The man reached to his side and began to draw his weapon when a
firm hand grabbed him on the shoulder.
"He's not worth the effort," Tofu said as he placed himself between
the man and Ryouga. "Come, let me buy you something."
That must have been the wrong choice of words because the frog-faced
alien took a swing at Tofu, who ducked out of the way, and hit Ryouga
square in the jaw -sending him crashing into a wall.
"No blasters! No blasters!" The bartender squeaked.
The man drew his weapon and trained it on Tofu.
*Snap*Hiss*
And just as quickly had his arm severed at the shoulder.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" the man screamed as he clutched his cauterized
shoulder and stumbled out of the bar. Ryouga's eyes remained transfixed
on the remains of the arm and the light-bokken that had removed it.
He was awed at the speed and grace with which Tofu had utilized it.
He was picked up off of the ground.
"Are you all right?" Tofu queried. Ryouga nodded his head dumbly
in agreement. "Good. Come with me. Gen-baka there," he indicated to
the panda who he had been conversing with. "Is first mate on a ship that
might suit us."
With that they proceeded deeper into the bar, its patrons now
giving Tofu a wide berth. Ryouga sighed in relief, with the giant panda
and Toufu he felt that no-one would bother him now.
* * *
Outside, next to the land speeder, Shampoo and Mousse noticed the
approach of several armed lightning troopers.
"Shampoo no like look of this," the female droid said as she pulled
Mousse into the cover of some shadows. She was suddenly glomped from
the rear.
"Shampoo, I never thought you'd be so forward!" M-3PO said in an
exited voice.
*THWANG!*
The sound did not catch the attention of the soldiers marching
their way into town, which was lucky for Mousse, Shampoo thought as she
dragged him into a room and locked the door.
* * *
As they approached the table that Gen-baka indicated, Ryouga took
stock of the young man sitting there. He seemed young anyway. Although
the man appeared to be only slightly older than himself, he had an air
about him that said he was much older than he appeared. The table he
occupied was in the back of the bar and he sat there with his feet propped
up on the table.
The panda walked up to him and they conversed... Sort of.
The panda used a large holosign which he showed to the man -who
replied in a low voice.
**Weird,** Ryouga thought.
The man motioned for them to join him at the table.
"You're pretty handy with that thing," the man said, indicating the
cylinder strapped to Toufu's belt. "I'm Ran Solo, Captain of the
Million-Yen 'Yaki. Pop here tells me you're looking for safe passage to
the Alderaan system."
"If it's a fast ship," Tofu interjected.
Ran looked at him as if he'd grown horns.
"Fast?" he asked incredulously. "You've never heard of the
Million-Yen 'Yaki?"
Toufu looked pensive for a moment before responding. "No, should
I have?"
"It's the ship that made the Jyusnkyo run in under twelve
parsecs," Ran said, puffing up slightly. "I've outrun Hentperial ships,
and not just the bulk cruisers. I'm talking about the big Correlian ships.
She's fast enough for you. What's the cargo?"
"Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked," Kenobi replied.
"What's up?" Ran asked. "Some kinda local trouble?"
"Let's just say we don't want to have any Hentperial entanglements,"
Toufu responded levelly.
Ran took a moment to ponder the situation before responding. "Well
that's the real trick isn't it? Avoiding Hentperials I mean. It's gonna
cost you somethin' extra. Ten thousand." Ran waited a moment to
emphasize his point. "All in advance." He didn't have to wait long
for a reply, Ryouga shot up from his seat.
"TEN THOUSAND?! We could almost buy our own ship for that!" Ryouga
almost screamed.
"And who's gonna fly it kid? You?"
Before Ryouga could respond, Gen-baka pulled Ran over and showed
him a sign. Ran looked at it, then at Ryouga. He turned back to the
sign and then back to Ryouga. Finally, he burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" Ryouga asked hotly, his face turning red.
"Oh this is..<snort>..too rich..<giggle>.. Now I know..<bwahaha>..
you won't be able to..<snicker>..do it yourself."
"What?!" Ryouga asked more loudly, drawing the attention of some
of the patrons of the cantina. Gen-baka simply turned the sign he was
holding around to show an image of Ryouga with a message scribed
beneath.
<If found please return to Lostwalker Moisture Farm, Tatooine,
System-that-is-farthest-from-the-bight-centre-of-the-universe, L4Q 1ZZ.>
Ryouga, who was already beat red, turned an interesting shade of
purple. He lowered himself down in his seat and shut up.
Ran finally composed himself and turned his attention back to Toufu.
"Well?"
Toufu simply smiled at his young ward's misfortune and considered
the proposal for an instant. "We can pay you two thousand now, plus
fifteen when we reach Alderaan."
"Seventeen, huh?" Ran asked. "Okay, you got yourself a ride. I
just gotta prep the ship, meet me at Docking Bay 94 in an hour."
"Ninety-four," Tofu affirmed.
"Looks like some people are getting interested in your handiwork,"
Ran offered as several Lightning Troopers approached the bar and spoke
with the owner. Toufu took the opportunity to escort Ryouga from the
premises.
"You're going to have to sell your speeder," Tofu told Ryouga as
they exited the cantina.
"That's okay, I don't ever plan on being around here anymore."
* * *
As soon as they were alone, Ran finally let his emotions show. In
an uncommon occurance for him, he embraced his co-pilot and father.
"Seventeen thousand! Man, they must be desperate. This is really
going to save our asses. Pop, go prep the ship."
Gen-baka left, and Ran took the opportunity to down the rest of his
drink before getting up... and promptly sat back down as he had the
muzzle of a blaster pointed in his general direction.
"<Going somewhere, Solo?>" the alien asked in its high pitched
language. Ran regarded her and sighed. The alien in question was quite
beautiful, she had long flowing hair and the most kawaii horns.
"Yes Kalm, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Nabiki that
I've got the money."
"<It's too late for that. Nabiki is tired of being jerked around.
But maybe if you give me the money I could be persuaded to forget that
I saw you at all,>" she replied.
Unbeknownest to her, Ran was quietly unfastening the holster of
his blaster below the table.
"I don't have it with me. Tell Nabiki..."
"<No,>" Kalm cut him off. "<No more excuses. Nabiki has placed
a bounty on your head so large that you'll never be able to show your
face in any populated sector in the galaxy. If you're lucky she may only
take your ship.>"
Ran bristled and replied icily, while pulling the blaster from his
holster. "Over my dead body."
"<That's the idea,>" she chuckled "<C'mon Solo, you've embarassed
me for the last time.>"
"Not quite," Ran replied as he fired a stun blast at Kalm from
below the table. The alien girl toppled forward.
**More than she deserves,** Ran thought as he got up from the booth
and headed over to the bar. He flipped the owner a coin and headed out.
"Sorry 'bout the mess," he threw over his shoulder.
* * *
Outside the cantina, several troops passed by checking the doors
along the road. They came up to a particular door and attempted to open
it. When the door did not open, the trooper in the lead motioned for the
others to check the next door. Moments passed before the door opened
and Shampoo peaked her head out the door.
"Shampoo say this all your fault Mousse," she said to her mal-
functioning companion. "Shampoo much rather be with master right now...
And you *such* good conversationalist," she said sarcastically before
resealing the door.
* * *
"I can't believe I only got 1500 for it," Ryouga lamented as he
took the credits from the buyer and picker up his jacket. "Ever since
the XP-38 came out there's just no demand anymore. Oh well, that guy
won't be too happy once he sees the condition of the navcomp."
Tofu took the credits from Ryouga and added them to his own. It
would be enough.
* * *
The bay in which the Million-Yen 'Yaki was berthed was the same
as nearly a dozen others at Mos Eisley. The ground was uneven and
crumbling, and the walls were no better. The ship berthed there looked
exactly like it belonged there. Around the base of the ship many bounty
hunters and Sayajins took up positions before their master chose to speak.
"Get your butt out here, Solo," Nabiki called. "We have some
business to discuss, like when you hand over the deed to your ship."
When there was no response she called again. "There's no use hiding
in there. Get out here."
"I already am," Ran replied, coming up from behind all those
assembled. Nabiki nearly jumped out of her skin, but caught herself and
managed to retain an outward appearance of calm. She berated herself
for being so easy to sneak up on.
"What's with the welcoming commitee?" Ran continued. "By the looks
of things I would think you're expecting a party. Am I invited?"
Nabiki turned to face him.
He stood there with a supreme cockiness. What was unnerving was the
fact that he had no weapon she could see. Neither did his co-pilot.
"Oh you're invited alright," Nabiki said, motioning for her guards
to lower their weapons. "You're the guest of honour."
Now Nabiki was in her zone. Nothing would phase her now. "I'm here
to discuss the ten thousand credits that I lost due to your dumping that
cargo of Jyusenkyo spice."
She looked at Ran's ship appraisingly. "It won't fetch that much
in a sale, but it should be a start," she said, indicating the ship.
Ran bristled, and it looked for a moment like he would explode. He
then calmed himself before replying. "Look, do you think I had a choice?
There were three hentperial cruisers and an interdictor on my tail. I
had to dump the stuff. Even I get boarded sometimes."
"Well, that's all well and good for you. But my buyer was very
disapointed when his shipment didn't arrive. It was very difficult to
deal with him. I lost a lot of money in this deal and I am going to be
compensated!"
Ran flinched slightly. Even though he put up a brave front, he was
very fearful of this woman. Moreso than his previous employer, Jabba.
Something about her told him that if she so wished it, people would be
lining up for a chance to kill him and receive her bounty and favour.
"Look, Nabs," he said, maintaining his bravado. Nabiki growled at
the use of that name. "I've got a charter right now. It'll give me
enough to pay you back...."
"With interest," Nabiki cut him off. "Twenty percent."
"Ten percent," Ran countered. "Not a credit more. Don't push your
luck."
Nabiki contemplated the offer. To tell the truth, she valued Ran's
services. Valued them highly. Of all her runners Ran was the most
dependable. Losing him would mean losing alot of credits. Still...
"Very well. After the completion of your charter you will pay me
the sum of eleven thousand credits, afterwhich you will be off the hook.
But you'd better not screw with me, Solo. You may be a good pilot, but
you're not indespensible. You try to double cross me and I'll put a
bounty on your head so big, every mercenary and hunter in the galaxy
will be after you. I may even contact Azusa Fett."
Gen-baka flinched at that, and Nabiki smiled.
"Oh, I haven't forgotten about you, *Genma Solo,*" she said to the
Panda. "I'm sure there is many a zoo that would love to get their hands
on you. Or I'll just give Azusa a search and seize order. How does
spending the rest of your miserable life as a prisoner on board the
Kawaii-1 sound? I'm sure Azusa Fett will just LOVE you..."
Gen-baka began to whimper pathetically at the thought.
She turned back to Ran. "Eleven thousand. Don't screw up."
Ran smiled.
"You're a wonderful human being, Nabs. Y'know that?"
Nabiki growled as she spun and stalked out of the hanger, her
entourage close behind. As soon as she was gone, Ran let out a sigh
of relief.
"Pop, I think we'd best get the hell off this planet."
Gen-baka nodded in agreement.
* * *
Grand Moff Koucho stood in his ready room as his son approached.
Soon, very soon, the rebels would be gone, and the Hentpire would rule
the galaxy. While he could care less about feeding the sexual perversions,
of the twisted little Hentperor, the fact that he would finally have the
authority to enforce his vile notions of hairstyle across the cosmos was
all he could dream of.
The look on his son's face however, soured his hopes somewhat.
"She resists the mind probes fiercely. She will not be broken
easily."
Koucho swore.
Just then, Sasuke entered the ready room and approached his masters.
"What is it, brah?" Koucho demanded.
"The final tests are finished, master. The Breast Star is now
fully operational."
The palm tree atop Koucho's head twitched as he had a sudden flash
of insight. "Perhaps there is another way to get her to tell us what
we wish to know."
"What is that?" Kunou asked, confused. Koucho payed him no heed
and turned to Sasuke.
"Set a course for da Alderaan system," he said simply.
* * *
Outside the cantina, Ryouga and Tofu had finished collecting the
droids and proceeded on to landing pad 94.
"Shampoo, did you have to hit Mousse so hard? He's mighty heavy,"
Ryouga said as he carried the malfunctioning form of M-3P0 on his back.
"I sorry, Master Ryouga. Mousse try get fresh with Shampoo.
Shampoo carry Mousse if Master Ryouga like," Shampoo offered. She *had*
overdone it a tad.
"It's okay," Ryouga said, readjusting Mousse on his back. "Just
don't do it again."
As they continued on, milling through the throngs of people, they
did not notice that they'd grown a tail.
The four travellers approached the entrance to landing pad 94, and
were greeted by Gen-baka.
<Hurry up, gotta go,> the large panda holosigned before scampering
inside. Ryouga followed him into the bay and stopped short in awe. Not
the kind of awe reserved for something inspiring. More like awe... shit.
The ship before him was what inspired it. The ship itself was
mostly circular, with two mandible like jaws on the end opposing the
thrusters, and a cockpit offset on one of the mandibles. It also looked
like a piece of space debris. The hull was scored and pitted in many
places, and it seemed a question of whether the ship would even get off
the ground.
Ryouga decided to vocalize his feelings.
"What a piece of junk," he said, once again shifting the bulk of
Mousse on his back.
Ran, who was near the landing ramp and seemed to be polishing one
of the struts, looked up. "You're no prize yourself," he said. "And
watch what you say about my ship. She is not a piece of junk. FYI
she'll do point five past lightspeed. She may not look like much, but
she's got it where it counts."
Ryouga smirked, as he couldn't resist the setup he'd been presented
with. "She, huh? Gee, when do the wedding invitations go out? Got it
where it counts you say? I'd never thought anyone was that desperate."
The look Ran gave to Ryouga told him he'd pushed the right buttons.
It took all of Ran's control, and the fact that his co-pilot was holding
him to not rip Ryouga's head off.
Ryouga, deciding it would be best if he got out of sight quickly,
scampered up the entry ramp with a laugh. Shampoo followed him up,
battle senses alert. She would protect her master at all costs from
the *very* cute pilot...
**ACK! What am I thinking?** Shampoo thought. **Now is not the
time for *that* subroutine to kick in! Still... He *is* pretty cute...**
Toufu followed Shampoo up the ramp while nodding to Ran. Ran
returned the greeting and continued to check the landing struts, now
that he'd calmed down. Gen-baka made his way into the ship.
"Hey pop," Ran called after his father.
A sign appeared from the entry ramp.
<What?>
"Make sure that you strap them in REAL snug," he said with
an evil grin plastered over his face.
The sign disappeared and was replaced with another.
<Hokay.>
Outside the hangar, the alien that had been tailing the four stood
waiting as a squad of lightning troopers approached him.
"Which way did they go?" the lead trooper asked. The alien
replied in a buzzing language and pointed to the appropriate hangar.
"Right. Okay, men; ready your weapons."
Ran was just finishing his final check on the underside of the
ship when the first lightning trooper appeared at the entranceway to
the hangar.
"Stop that ship!" the trooper yelled as a dozen more troops
scampered into the bay yelling and shooting. Ran, who was stunned at
all this, immediately had his blaster in hand and was firing wildly at
the assembled Hentperial forces. Above him he heard as the engines of
the 'Yaki came off standby and the ship prepared to take off.
Still firing, he sprinted up the entry ramp and slapped the door
seal as the ramp closed.
"Pop! Get us out of here!" he screamed as he motored for the
cockpit. As he passed the lounge he couldn't help but stop and look at
the farm boy, Ryouga, who was strapped into his seat. REALLY strapped
into his seat. He smirked at Ryouga as the kid struggled with his seat
straps, and continued to the cockpit where he fell into the pilot seat
and took the controls.
The 'Yaki rocketed out of the small confines of pad 94, sent on
its way by a hail of blaster fire from the soldiers that had not gotten
caught in the backwash of the 'Yaki's engines.
Ryouga and Tofu had finally released their seat straps, made
their way out of the lounge, and into the cockpit's passenger seats
just in time to be thrown into their acceleration couches as the 'Yaki
performed an inverted loop to avoid enemy fire. Gen-baka growled
something and held up a holosign while his son continued to work the
controls.
"I know, pop, I see 'em," Ran said, not averting his eyes from the
controls.
"See what?" Ryouga asked dumbly.
"Hentperial Panty Raiders. Looks like we got about five of 'em.
They're trying to box us in." He turned from the controls to look at
Toufu. "You guys are real popular, ain'tcha?" he asked before turning
back to the controls. Several laser blasts exploded all around the ship
and Gen-baka roared in frustration.
"I thought you said you could outrun them?" Ryouga asked hotly.
Ran had had just about enough of this snot nosed kid. He turned
around and grabbed him by the front of the shirt. "Listen you. You
better watch your mouth or you'll find yourself floating home. If
you haven't noticed, we're outnumbered. Don't worry, though. Once we
make the jump to lightspeed, ain't no way they'll be able to track us.
Besides, I've been doing this for a while, I've still got a few tricks
left."
With that, he returned to the controls that his father was all too
happy to relinquish. Ryouga steamed in his seat with just enough self
control to know that beating the hell out Ran in their current
circumstances would be a bad idea. Real bad.
"How long before we can make the jump?" Kenobi asked from his seat
behind Ran.
"It'll take a few minutes to get the coordinates from the
navicomputer."
"At the rate they're gaining..." Ryouga cut in.
"Listen kid. I don't know how you did it back home, but travelling
through hyperspace is not something you do without an exact idea about
where your going."
This elicited a growl from Ryouga which Toufu quickly stifled. Ran
continued.
"Any goofups and we could find ourselves flying into the core of a
star or a planet and that would end our little trip real quick."
Ran's explanation was cut off as an alarm sounded.
"What's that?" Ryouga asked, pointing to the flashing indicator.
His hand was batted away as Ran adjusted some of the controls.
"We're losing a deflector shield. Hold tight, I'm gonna make the
jump to lightspeed."
Before them the stars suddenly exploded into starlines as the
Million-Yen 'Yaki vanished into hyperspace scant kilometres ahead of
its pursuers.
* * *
An officer strode onto the observation deck of the Breast Star to
the spot where Koucho stood.
"We have just entered the Alderaan system," he said.
"Good," Koucho replied, dismissing him with a nod. Through the
windows of the station, the planet Alderaan came into view; a beautiful
blue and green sphere. Behind him he heard the doors open once more,
and the struggle of his prisoner as she was wrestled into the room.
He turned to face her as her five guards fought to hold her in
place.
"Grand Moff Koucho," she spat. "How dare you do this to me!
When my father hears of this you will be one dead Moff."
Koucho grinned and plucked idly at his lei.
"You be one charming wahine, y'know that? Was real hard for
this bruddah to sign da death order on you. If you'd only co-operated,
none of this would have been necessary."
Akane smirked. "I'm surprised you had the courage to do it yourself.
Count yourself lucky you've got all these troopers all over me or you'd
be a greasy spot on the deck!" The five troopers grunted with exertion
as she tried to break free and make good on her threat.
Just then Kunou Vader strode onto the observation deck. He looked
none too happy.
"Father, what is the meaning of this? I have just been informed
that thy hand hath signed the form that sanctions the termination of the
fair and beautious Princess Akane. Why?"
"It is quite simple. She will not divulge da location of her
rebellion's base of operations. That makes her useless to me."
Kunou turned to Akane and dropped to one knee while taking her
hand in his. "Oh magnificent Venus, I beseech thee tell my father all
that he wishes to know so that we may remain together, and that I may
date with thee."
For his troubles he received a thunderous slap from Akane, and a
contemptuous laugh from his father.
"No, no 'Wakki. You're doing it all wrong. You have to give her
incentive."
He turned to the other officer on the deck and asked. "Is Alderaan
in range of the superlaser yet, brah?"
"Yes sir," his subordinate replied.
"WHAT?!?" Akane cried.
"Since you are unwilling to tell us da location of your rebel base,
we have decided that da first target for this battle station will be your
home planet of Alderaan," Koucho replied evenly.
"But Alderaan is a peaceful world! We have no weapons at all!
We pose no threat..." she said, hysteria in her voice.
"Would you prefer another target? A military target? Name da
system, wahine."
Akane did not respond, but there was genuine fear in her eyes.
Koucho stepped up to her until he was inches from her. His palm tree
swayed menacingly.
"I grow tired of this, wahine. This is da last time I will ask.
Where is da rebel base?"
Akane looked from the sunglassed face of Koucho to the planet
Alderaan outside the window, then back to the Moff.
"Dantooine," she said in a defeated voice. "They're on Dantooine."
Koucho grinned again.
"You see, son. That's how you get information." He turned to the
Gunnery Officer, who stood in the rear of the room. "You may fire when
ready, brah."
"WHAT?!?" Akane screamed as she lurched forward, only to be
restrained by many hands.
"You're far too trusting," Koucho chuckled. "Dantooine is too far
out of da way for an effective demonstration. Fear not though, we will
deal with your rebel friends soon enough."
Down in Gunnery, the technicians worked furiously over the controls
of the superlaser as energy pulsed through the station.
"Stand by to fire!" one technician announced as a beam of crimson
fire shot down the firing tube.
"Fire," Koucho ordered as Akane continued to struggle.
Outside the station, five beams of energy all converged on the
swollen nipple of the Breast Star's superlaser before they blasted out
into space and stuck Alderaan. For a moment it seemed as if nothing
would happen, and then the planet ripped apart as the energies of the
laser destroyed it from the inside out.
END OF PART ONE