I swear, your honor, I didn't mean to write this. I was thinking about
something I saw somewhere about what if everybody in Nerima woke up with
common sense and it just happened!

And if anyone's done anything like this, please let me know. I'd love to
read it.

Oh, and Ranma 1/2 and all characters and situations thereof are copyright
the Lady Rumiko Takahashi and all distributors of her work. None of the
aforementioned ideas are used with permission, and this work is not intended
to be used for monetary gain of any kind. It certainly shouldn't be taken as
canon.

Stop and Think

Perhaps spam, perhaps a genuine story...

by G. Falconar

****

Dialogue convention: <> indicate speech in a native non-Japanese tongue. {}
indicate thoughts. {* *} indicate thoughts as well. Why two markers? You'll
find out...

****

Sunrise found the Nekohanten unusually silent. No cheery ring of a bicycle
bell, no splash-and-quack combination, not even the sound of a bubbling pot
of water came from within the restaurant. And certainly no voices.

Last night had been a very late night for Mousse. The ground floor had been
soundly trounced by the combined efforts of four of the world's finest
martial artists and several more who certainly ranked up there. An errant
glass of water directed at Shampoo as she glomped Ranma certainly didn't
help matters any. To say nothing of Shampoo-neko trying to dig her claws
into Ranma's arm to get a better grip. Mousse had spent most of the night
trying to fit the tables together like an oversized jigsaw puzzle, and the
rest of the night undergoing a peculiar variation on the normal
strength-training technique. Somehow, he doubted that the glue the old
goblin provided him with took an hour to set, but he wasn't about to
question an elder when she was staring over his shoulder every second. At
least, in his duck form, he required much less sleep than a normal human.
However, two hours of sleep isn't nearly enough time to revitalize a
fatigued duck, so Mousse slept on.

Cologne, on the other hand, could get by on two hours of sleep. She had done
it thousands of times before, and a night spent mostly in meditation tended
to reduce, if not eliminate entirely, the need for sleep. Still, it was good
to yield the worries of another day over to the oblivion of rest, she
thought, as she watched the sun slowly creep over the horizon. A lifetime of
training had always brought her awake with the sun. Although... last night
had been fairly hectic, and Mousse still had to repair most of the damage,
so it wasn't likely that the Nekohanten would be open today. And as much as
she relished the idea of putting a terribly fatigued Mousse through an
eighteen-hour day, she realized grudgingly that it was better to get fifteen
hours of good work than eighteen hours of terrible work. The boy was
lucky... or perhaps she was getting soft in her old age. Cologne shut her
eyes and waited for sleep to claim her again. The world would not mind her
absence for another few hours.

A sudden rustle brought her awake. At least partially so. A portion of her
mind which was concentrating on the world warned her of an intruder in the
storage room, going through... the chest that she had brought from China.
Another portion of her mind informed her that Shampoo was not moving or
sleeping in her room. The two reached the tenuous consensus that Shampoo was
searching for ways to capture Ranma, and she was rather pleased with this
result. Finally, her great-granddaughter was showing some initiative. And
Shampoo certainly knew better than to try any of the spices on herself...
some of them would have rather unusual effects, particularly if she went
downstairs and saw Mousse. All the gems and brooches were insulated from
touch in thick glass or in plastic, so there was no danger of Shampoo being
affected by any of them. And the girl would know better than to open
something without asking her great-grandmother first. Cologne slowly drifted
back off to sleep, a small portion of her mind almost babbling to itself...
{Open something... open something... why does that seem so bad?}

****

Shampoo carefully sifted through her great-grandmother's magical reserve,
being exceedingly careful not to wake her. Last night had been such a long
night for all of them... though Shampoo had spent the bulk of it turning
over a few thoughts rather than repairing the damage downstairs. Ranma was
to
be her husband, and what sort of husband flees in terror when his wife is
splashed with cold water? Though her cat form was useful for stealth... and
for surprising certain people in the tub... she couldn't help but remember
Ranma treating her like the worst thing on earth after she had gotten
splashed last night. Of course, to him, she WAS the worst thing on earth.
She needed to find some sort of cure for that strange fear... not only
because of the eventual complications, but because it would be a lot easier
to get close to him. A nice dye job and she could be as close to him as she
wanted, and none of the other women who chased him would suspect a thing.

Shampoo felt a few subtle surges of emotion pass through her body as she
caught vague whiffs of some of the spices her great-grandmother kept locked
away. Hmm... perhaps simply making him angry at the rest of the world would
do the trick. Or overcome with sorrow. No... the spatula girl would comfort
him if the tomboy couldn't. The passion spice and all things like it were
definitely out of the question... too many possible ways that could go
wrong. Had gone wrong, for that matter. And putting him to sleep would make
her no better than the crazy rose girl. Hmm...

Shampoo lifted an ancient teakwood box from its position on a small cushion
in the bottom of the box. She brushed some of the dust off, and struggled to
decipher the characters on the lid. It was a very ancient tongue, and the
characters were a bit weathered with age, but Shampoo thought she could make
out... hmm... a cure for irrational behavior. Well, what was more irrational
than a fear of cats? Or not wanting to spend the rest of your life happily
married to an Amazon champion? The box was the size and shape of a scroll
case, so Shampoo slid the nine bolts locking the lid shut out of place...

And cracked the lid open...

****

{Open something... open something... open... you'd better warn her...}

Cologne was jerked awake as the shred of her mind which had been
contemplating the contents of the chest abruptly realized what was in there.
What might be in there, at any rate; she wasn't even sure if she had packed
it or not. Probably not. Why bother with such a useless thing? Better to
warn great-granddaughter, though... just in case...

"Shampoo, if you find a..."

Cologne was cut off by a brilliant flash of blue light and sprang down the
hall, hoping that this would all be a dream.

****

{What... what happened?}

{* I'm out I'm out I'm out I'm out I'm *}

{Who are you? And why are you in Shampoo's thoughts?}

{* I'm out I'm... oh. I beg your pardon. I've been in there for so long...
*}

{Been... in... great-grandmother is not going to be pleased with me.}

{* How can you think straight? It's so cluttered in here... *}

{Was that an insult?}

{* No, all mortals have cluttered minds. Here, let me straighten a few
things out for you... *}

{Straighten a... what are you doing?}

{* Boy, this place needs a good cleaning. You should thank me. Oh, by the
way, your great-grandmother's worried about you. I think you should open
your eyes. Don't worry, I'll be just fine in here. *}

Shampoo's eyes slowly fluttered open, and she saw Cologne looking down at
her with a mix of concern and horror on her face.

"<Great-grandmother. I'm... I'm so sorry.>"

"Speak Japanese, child." A touch of reproach crept into Cologne's voice.

"<I can say what I need to say much clearer in my native tongue,
great-grandmother.>"

{Where did that come from?}

{* Well, you CAN, can't you? *}

{I suppose...}

{* Suppose, nothing. No customers around. And I think your little
announcement is going to take precedence over practice. *}

Cologne was looking at her, puzzled. Then she caught sight of the box on the
floor and began gazing intently into her great-granddaughter's eyes.

Shampoo felt a few more things just seem to... tumble... into place. "<And
why am I even here? Ranma defeated me accidentally... outside of the
village, as well. No witnesses... no Amazon ones, at any rate. I should have
killed his girl form a while ago... wait, he was really a man when he
defeated me back at the village... what do the rules have to say about
Jusenkyo curses, great-grandmother? There must be SOMETHING to cover that,
after all, since we are so close.>"

{Where did that come from? What are you doing in there?}

{* Straightening a few things out. If you're so concerned with following the
law, you should go and look up the entire thing, loopholes and all. *}

{But...}

{* It's not just the law, is it? *}

{Ranma IS my husband!}

{* As soon as you can drag him back to the village. Maybe. But you've never
really bothered to check that carefully, have you? *}

{No...}

{* Because you want Ranma to be your husband more than you want to follow
the law. *}

{Yes... airen is such a good fighter... he will make an excellent addition
to the village...}

{* Knock it off with the whole "doing this for the village" thing. That's
not really why you want him to come back with you, is it? *}

{I... I...}

{* Great. Lust-knots. These, I need time to untangle. *}

Cologne pulled back, leaning on her staff for support. "<You have been
possessed, great-granddaughter.>"

{* Oh, I wouldn't call it that. *} said a voice inside Cologne's mind. {*
I'm just doing her a great favor. My, you've done a fine job of keeping your
affairs in order. I'm impressed. *}

{What... what are you? What are you talking about?}

{* The poor child's mind was full of leaps of faith and logical deadfalls.
I'm simply trying to let her make sense of the world for once. Hmm... it
appears I'm going to have to do some things here as well. This is quite a
tangle. *}

{Get out of my head, demon!}

{* Demon? I'm no demon, I'm a concerned spirit. I'll never understand how
you mortals can go through life with such cluttered minds. *}

{But you were contained... the wards... you have to be a demon.}

{* No, I don't. Why do you always assume that the unknown is bad? Another
misconception... *}

Cologne shook her head a few times, and saw the concern she had originally
shown in her great-granddaughter's eyes. "<Are you all right,
great-grandmother?>"

"I'm fine, child. Perhaps... perhaps we had better have a look at the rules
again. And a few other tomes, as well. I'd like to know what was in that
box."

****

Mousse was awake. That, in and of itself, was no mean feat. That he had
managed to find hot water as a nearsighted duck was a minor miracle. He was
stretching the aches of the previous day, relieved to find that a little
properly applied pressure dimmed the pain from incapacitating to merely
annoying. He could live with merely annoying.

He had been awakened by a burst of... something... upstairs. A brilliant
flash of light, perhaps. By the time he had managed to change into human
form and put on his robe and glasses, the light was gone. That was to be
expected... many things often went away when he bothered to slide his
glasses over his eyes. But somehow, he didn't think that what he had seen
was a trick of the eye.

{* Of course it wasn't. It was me. *}

Mousse tensed at the voice, slipping his hands into his sleeves and
fingering a few lengths of chain. "Where are you? Show yourself!"

{* Can't do that. Corporeality isn't my strong point. *}

{Huh? What's he talking about?}

{* I'm in your mind, boy. And I can see you weren't expecting guests. *}

{Expecting... I've been possessed? Odd. I don't feel the urge to start
slaking a thirst for blood...}

{* You mortals are all alike. Demons, demons, demons... doesn't anyone ever
consider the possibility I might be friendly? *}

{Well, are you?}

{* Of course I am. Look, kid, if I were a demon, you'd be gibbering about
the coming of a new age or something like that right about now. Demons
create chaos in the mind. I remove it. And you've got quite a lot of it to
remove. *}

Mousse was jolted from his internal reverie by a faint creaking sound from
the top of the stairs. Shampoo was coming down, her face a strange mix of
bewilderment and sadness.

{She needs me...}

{* Really? And what were you planning to do? *}

{I...}

{* Dash madly over to the nearest Shampoo-sized object and start spouting
gibberish about your love for her and how you don't want her to be sad. Am I
right? *}

{It's not like that...}

{* But that's how it usually goes, isn't it? *}

{Yes...}

{* And the few times you do manage to go to her, she slams you through the
wall or turns you into a duck. Am I right? *}

{Well... yes... but...}

{* What makes you think that this time will be any different from the past
hundred or so? Nothing's going to change unless YOU change it. *}

{But...}

{* Look, I don't like spelling things out. Just keep those glasses on and
I'll see if I can get something other than drivel to come out of your mouth.
*}

{Drivel?}

{* Exactly how do you think it sounds to her? *}

{I...}

{* My point exactly. Now quit thinking at me and go to her. HER, not the
pillar in the corner. And keep those glasses on, until I can get to your
visual cortex... *}

****

Shampoo absently followed her great-grandmother down the stairs and into the
back room. Everything... everything was so confusing now. Nothing made sense
now... or did it just never make sense, and she was only realizing that now?
A thousand contradictions formed and dissipated as she desperately tried to
understand what was going on...

She felt a hand on her shoulder and spun, eyes flaring. {This is the last
thing I need...}

{* Really? *}

{Mousse can be so annoying, and...}

{* But he's not being annoying now, is he? *}

That much was true. Mousse was just resting his hand on her shoulder, and
his usual infatuated expression was conspicuously absent. His eyes slowly
met hers, and he slowly lifted his hand from her shoulder as he saw her
expression.

{He's never done that before...}

{* Isn't it a nice change? *}

{Well... it might be...}

{* That it might. *}

"Are you feeling okay, Shampoo?"

Shampoo was suspicious, to say the least, and she raised an eyebrow as she
looked at him, trying to get some hint of emotion through the inch of glass
that masked his eyes. It was not to be. "Why should Mousse care?"

"I..." Mousse swallowed. "I don't like to see you hurt, Shampoo."

{Why is he like this?}

{* You would rather he were spouting love poems to the sink? *}

{No, but...}

{* But? *}

{I can't ignore him when he's like this!}

{* And why would you want to ignore him? *}

{Because I... I...}

{* Work on that thought, would you? And talk to him. He's worried about you.
*}

"Mousse laugh," she said, turning her back on him and walking toward the
back room.

"Shampoo, I would never laugh at you. You know that."

{* And you do, too. *}

{But he'll think I'm crazy!}

{* You might be pleasantly surprised on that note. *}

{What?}

{* Tell him. Or would you rather I forced you? I can do that, even though I
really wouldn't prefer to... *}

"Mousse... there... there..." Shampoo turned back to Mousse, bowed her head
and spoke softly. "There voice in Shampoo's head."

Much to her surprise, Mousse didn't look astonished or amused, and he
certainly didn't look at her like she was crazy. Instead, he calmly said,
"There is one in mine too."

Perhaps he was just humoring her... "And what voice in Mousse's head say?"

"It's saying... many things. So many things, not all of which I like. But
maybe the most important thing it's telling me is that you're confused and
scared." Mousse shook his head slowly. "I am too. It's like the world's
falling apart. But it's also telling me that it's trying to help me make
sense of things. And I think it will... eventually."

Shampoo blinked in shock. He was... well, not possessed, exactly... but he
was going through the same things she was. And he was more worried that her
world didn't make sense than that his didn't?

{* That he is. *}

{You're in him, too?}

{* Not JUST him, but yes. *}

{Not JUST him?}

"Great-granddaughter!" called Cologne from the back room. "You may want to
see this!"

{You didn't...}

{* I did. *}

****

Cologne walked back into the main room of the Nekohanten carrying an ancient
book of some kind. She vaulted onto one of the few tables that Mousse had
managed to repair the night before and opened the book, setting the box
Shampoo had opened down beside it. The runes on the box matched those in the
book exactly.

"So what was in box?"

"Not 'what', exactly, great-granddaughter. More like 'who'. You know the
legend of Pandora's Box?"

Shampoo nodded. Amazon legend had it that the sorceress Pandora sealed all
the evils of the world inside a small ebony box and engraved it with
warnings that the power inside should not be unleashed. Some years later, an
outsider male who knew of Amazon custom seized the box and opened it,
thinking to use the power inside to win himself a wife. The rest was
history...

"Well then... it appears that evil wasn't the only thing that could be
contained. Some of the good quantities, like strength and speed, were also
taken in small amounts, to be released when the tribe was in need of them.
This is... was, anyway... one of the few boxes that hadn't been opened yet."

"And inside was...?"

Cologne glared at Mousse for a moment. "Curb your impatience, boy. Inside
was... well, it was certainly the cure for irrational behavior you must have
seen it as, great-granddaughter." Cologne sighed for a moment at the
impatience of youth... if only she had known... "Now, for good or ill...
pure reason is loose in Nerima."

****

It's got potential. At least I think it does. You may not. That's why I
welcome comments and criticism... off the list, if you can help it. Although
if you feel up to dissecting this on the list, that's fine with me. And
flames will be laughed at and shredded into their component bytes.

--G. Falconar