Writers note for the FFML:
okay, as a first post, i'll end up posting an anime MSTing.
if you don't know exactly what a MSTing is, consult the newer FFML FAQ for an
explination. I'm sure that anime MSTings are acceptable here on the mailing list
and if not my apoligies, just dont hurt me that much!
this and a whole archive of msting of the WORST (two words: artemis
lover)
anime fanfiction can be found at tenchi's vault of anime MSTings. the url is:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/4007/MSTings.html
come on and send c&c (spelling error flames will be ignored, dont worry as
soon as i get the money im getting a spell checker!) because, frankly im
not sure if i'm funny or not. then again with no self esteem...
--
[Interior of the SOL, Noone is here, its empty. suddenly Gypsy pops in]
Gypsy: Okay guys, you can come out now! It can't be that bad!
Servo: (Voice over, off the side of the screen) Forget it Gyps! Forrester
told is whats in store!
(Red light flashes)
Gypsy: Guy's they're calling! you better get out here!
(Mike comes in from offscreen and taps the red button)
[Deep 13]
Frank: hey guys, forrester is really proud of this invention, so he's
decided to let you off and only show you his invention.
(forrester comes from the side of the screen)
Forrester: Well mike after hearing a good speach by tipper gore on
censorship ive decided to make this little device called 'first
amendment
crusher'. its designed to censor anything at all that would be
consitered
offensive to any ethnic group at all.
(Claton pops in a tape and the machine's little lights start flashing)
Forrester: Here is a prepaired tape of Howard Stern for youre listening
enjoyment.
(claton presses the button and the tape rolls)
Machine: Welcome [Bleep] to the howard stern [Bleep]. im your [bleep]
howard stern and todays special guests will be [Beep] [bleep]
[bleep] and [bleep]
(Dr Forrester shuts the tape off)
Forrester: Oops i didnt have it on, here is the tape with the machine on.
Machine:
[Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep]
{SOL}
Mike: I'm Not Sure Doctor F, It still sounds exactly like the howard stern show
(Lights Flashing, sounds going off, the usual banter)
Mike: Movie Sign!!!
Crow: BabaBooey!
Servo: FaFaFlowley!
(6...5...4...3...2..)
From: Anne Packrat <akane@erols.com>
Name: Anne Packrat
Mike: (Singing) The Leader of the pack!
E-mail: akane@erols.com
All right guys, I just watched X-Files and this idea popped in my head.
Crow: ...That Sex and Art Bell go hand in hand.
I'm still not sure what I was thinking. Maybe aliens implanted a
suggestion telling me to write this story. Excuse the silliness of
Mulder and Scully,
Mike: ...But Stephen King wrote the script.
this is something of a parody on X-Files.
Opening Credits: Play X-Files theme song but add a goofy looking
background. Pictures of P-Chan, Genma Panda, Akane chasing Ranma and the
like float by.
Crow: It looks like somone needs to stop dropping the tabs.
Ranma 1/2: The Truth is Out There...?
Opening: screen split down middle - Scully and Mulder each on one side
of screen. They hold cellular phones and appear to be talking to each
other. Scully is driving and talking. Mulder is apparently letting
someone else drive as he is in the passenger seat.
Scully: Mulder, Why are we in Tokyo?
Tom: (Mulder) Two words Scully: 'Pot Stickers'.
Mulder: I told you, Scully. There has been a very large number of
reports on sightings of unusual things in this area. Most of the
sightings seem to occur around one house.
Scully: And you think the inhabitants of this house are connected?
Mulder: Yes, they may even be aliens themselves. There has been reports
of strange energy and light formations in the area. The most unusual
reports have been of strange mutations occurring in broad daylight.
Scully: What kind of mutations?
Tom: Ninja Turtles
Crow: Barnes and Barnes.
Mulder: Well, the major one seems to be of a boy who turns into a
red-haired, pig-tailed girl. Scully, we have to get there before the
American government does! This is the evidence we have been looking for!
I can feel it!
Scully: (not convinced) Uh huh. Can you explain one more thing to me?
Mike: Why we're stuck in this crappy story?
Mulder: Yes?
Scully: WHY THE HECK ARE WE USING THE CELLULAR PHONES WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT
NEXT TO ME?
All: Waah Waaaah Waaaaaaaah!
(pull back to a shot of Mulder and Scully together. They are next to
each other in the front seat of a blue rental car. Each holds a phone in
their hand.)
Tom: Oh, its like that scene in 'Reposessed'.
Mulder: (pouting) Well, if you're gonna be that way about it. (he puts
his phone in his jacket.)
Scully: (sighs, clicks off the phone and puts it down) Would you check
on QuiQuac for me?
Crow: Boy those were the days.. Before their accident!
Mulder: (looks behind him, and we see an small, orange Pomeranian
sleeping in a carrier in the back seat) He's still sleeping. Why did you
bring him along anyway?
[Author's note: I know Quiquac is dead.
Mike: I loved 'Moby Dick'...
Crow: That was QueQuaig.
Assume this happens before he
died or else this is an alternate universe where he wasn't eaten by a
crocodile.
Tom: (Azuza) What a cute crocodile! I think i'll name you 'Pricilla!'!
Pricilla, what are you doing? Pricilla?! No! No! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Either way the dog stays.]
Scully: Mommy's little baby just wanted to get out, didn't he?
Mulder: Well, I wanted to travel, but why did you bring the dog?
Crow: Maybe because he has more personality and less smug, Mulder.
(Scully gives him an icy stare and turns her attention to the road. Time
passes. Eventually they stop the car in front of a house that looks like
it has been patched up many times.
Mike: (Scully) Mulder, look at the human shaped dents in the wall, fascinating.
They get out of the car, Scully
leading Quiquac on a leash. Mulder shields his eyes with his hand and
looks up at the house.)
Scully: This is it? It doesn't look like much.
Crow: Of course the homocidal killer doll was easily detected.
Mulder: (nods) No, it doesn't, which makes me suspicious. (He peers at
the sign in front of the house.) "Tendo School of Anything Goes Martial
Arts. Easy payment plans available. Contact Nabiki Tendo."
All: D'oh!!
Tom: I wouldn't be suprised if that's what it really said.
Scully: "Anything Goes Martial Arts?" Isn't that a musical?
Mulder: (nods again) Yes it is. I wonder how I could read that sign.
Scully: What do you mean? Don't you know Japanese?
Mulder: No, I don't.
Mike: the author would like to thank the following plot device: the Deux Ex
Machina.
[Author's Note: Scully and Mulder were actually abducted by aliens sent
by the author. The aliens implanted translation devices in the two
agents' brains. Now, in order to make the author's job easier, they can
speak and read Japanese fluently. Nifty plot device huh?]
All: Ah-�?
Scully: [shakes her head] I could probably find some medical reason for
you suddenly able to read and speak Japanese, but right now we don't
have time. [knocking] Hello? Is anybody home?
Tom: (Gene Wilder) What Great Knockers!
(The door is opened by a young woman with long brown hair. She is very
attractive appears to be in her early twenties.)
Mik: Oh great, its an insertion fic with Tifa Lockheart.
Kasumi: Yes, can I help you? (Quiquac begins barking. He jumps up at
Kasumi, his tail wagging happily.)
Scully: (looking at her dog strangely) Um... yes, we're with the
American government agency called the FBI, we've been sent to
investigate some reports of unusual happenings that have occurred in
this area.
Crow: Get off my property, American Pig!
Mulder: Most of the sightings seem to occur around this house. Would you
mind if we asked you a few questions?
Kasumi: No, not at all. Please, follow me. (The two agents follow Kasumi
into the dining room. They sit down at the table, but Kasumi remains
standing.)
Kasumi: Would you like some tea?
Scully: Um, yes, thank you. Would it be all right if I let Quiquac off
the leash? He seems terribly excited for some reason.
Mike: (Kasumi) Well only if you put that other man on it!
Kasumi: Oh, of course! Maybe he would like to play with my sister's pet
pig if he's around. (She disappears into the kitchen. They hear her call
faintly.) P-Chan? P-Chan? (She comes back to the table) Oh my, he seems
to be lost again. I'll just go get your tea now.
Crow: This is quickly turning into an episode of South Park.
(Scully lets Quiquac off the leash. The dog takes off after Kasumi,
barking happily.)
Scully: (watching her dog) He seems to have taken to that young woman
rather well.
Mulder: (sulking a bit) Wish he liked me like that.
Scully: Well, he would if you hadn't tried to sell him to that fur
manufacturer!.
Mulder: Hey! I was just using him as bait to try to get the manufacturer
to expose his evil psychic fur-making.
Crow: it was Dion Warrwick all the time!
Scully: Well, you didn't have to go on about what a fine pair of mittens
Quiquac would make!
Mulder: (looks around) I wonder where the aliens are?
Scully: Mulder, we can't even be sure that UFOs are involved here at
all. (Kasumi enters with a tray. She places it down on the table and
sits. Quiquac jumps in her lap.)
Kasumi: (smiles at Quiquac, and ruffles his fur) Hello there, Mr. Doggie!
Tom: (Mulder) The name is Mulder, Ma'am.
Mulder: (glares at the dog) I'm sorry we forgot to introduce ourselves,
Miss. I'm agent Fox Mulder, and this is my partner, Dana Scully. I see
you've already met Quiquac.
Kasumi: It's nice to meet you. I'm Kasumi Tendo. You said you were
government agents? (Mulder and Scully nod) My! That must be exciting!
(Scully and Mulder give each other startled glances)
Crow: (Scully) She dosn't get it, does she?
Scully: Well, yes it is sometimes, when we're not chasing ghosts. (gives
Mulder a sharp glance) Do you live here alone, Ms. Tendo?
Kasumi: (she laughs lightly) Oh no. I live here with my father and my
two younger sisters, Nabiki and Akane. We have two house guests staying
with us as well. Their names are Genma Saotome and his son Ranma.
Mulder: Ms. Tendo, does anything unusual ever happen around your house?
Kasumi: (blinks in surprise) Why no. I don't think so. (smiles) We do
have some excitement around here sometimes, but nothing really strange
occurs.
Mike: Scully And Mulder in: The Stolen Panties case.
(A cry of "RANMA!!!!!!!!!!" echoes throughout the house. A black-haired
boy runs past the dining room. He is chased by a girl with short, dark
hair carrying a mallet. The two agents stare in shock. Kasumi just
smiles and drinks her tea.)
Mulder: Wha- What was that?
Tom: It's called a MALLET, Mulder.
Kasumi: That's my sister, Akane, and her fiancee, Ranma. They're both so
energetic! Ranma, Akane, come meet our guests!
(Ranma and Akane come charging into the dining room. Ranma trips and
sprawls on the floor. Akane runs up behind him and readies the mallet.)
Akane: RANMA NO BAKA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crow: Why is it they insist on writing everything in english, but when it
gets to the insults its in japenese?
(She punts him into the fish pond. A wet red-haired girl comes up
spitting water. She clambers out of the pond back toward Akane.)
Ranma-chan: (angrily) Hey, you tomboy, I told you I didn't mean to hit
that stupid pig of yours!
Akane: (even more angrily) Who are you calling tomboy?! (She raises the
mallet for another swing.)
Tom: HammerSpace, we salute you!
Ranma-chan: EEP! (Ranma-chan takes off toward the rooftops. Akane
follows. Soon they are out of sight. Kasumi smiles and pets Quiquac. The
two agents just stare in shock. Suddenly Mulder jumps up and points.)
Mulder: See, Scully! I told you there where aliens here!
Crow: (Mulder) See, Scully! Cheech Marin, Over there!
Scully: (desperately) I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable
explanation for this..., um... well, the boy's DNA could have just
changed due to solar radiation, or that pond is a portal to another
dimension and the boy fell through, or....
Mike: he has a fast-bleeding head wound
Kasumi: (interrupting) Actually it's just Ranma's curse. (The agents
heads turn to focus on the innocently smiling woman.)
Mulder & Scully: Curse?!
Tom: They've gone through alien abductions, killer objects, and yet they
can't belive a simple curse.
Kasumi: See Ranma's father took him to a training ground in China called
Jusenkyo...
(((((((Insert Flashback))))))))
Crow: Insert Fist to Writer's Face.
[Actually you've prolly seen or heard this explanation about a million
times so go ahead and skip to the Scully's next line.]
Kasumi: What Mr. Saotome didn't know was that the training ground was
cursed. Whoever fell into one of the cursed springs turned into whatever
had drown there earlier. Ranma fell into "Spring of Drowned Girl", so he
turns into a girl with cold water. He changes back with hot water.
Mike: ...And with tepid water, he turns into Rosemary Clooney!
Scully: Jusenkyo? Cursed springs? You mean all those unusual sightings
were due to some clumsy people falling into a pond? No aliens? No weird
tribal legends? No serial murderers? No nuclear mutants? I wasn't even
kidnapped and we have already solved this case?! (Kasumi smiles and
nods. Scully looks stunned Mulder starts shaking.)
Mulder: (his eye is twitching and he seems slightly hysterical) We
travel over half the world to take this case, and THERE ARE NO ALIENS
INVOLVED AT ALL?
Mike: Mulder, get ahold of yourself, and maybe go visit Graviton or
somthing, bunch o' aliens!
Kasumi: (slightly worried at Mulder's condition) I'm sorry I couldn't
help you, Mr. Mulder. Perhaps you should have another cup of tea.
(Scully looks at her partner with concern. Mulder, for his part, looks
ready to cry.)
Mulder: (muttering to himself) maybe, maybe, I was wrong... maybe they
don't exist... I've looked for so long... I just thought...
Tom: I've been waiting for this moment, and now i feel empty.
(He is interrupted by something crashing through the roof and landing on
top of Scully. The object in question seems to be a short old man. The
old man is Happosai. A number of brassieres and various women's
undergarments come floating through the hole.)
Happosai: (faintly) Come here my pretties... I'll give you all a good
home... (He faints.)
Crow: (Scully) Sorry, My breasts are staying where they are.
Kasumi: Oh my. Happosai must have gotten some woman angry again.
(Scully begins to stir. Mulder stares at Happosai as if he is the last
lifeboat on the sinking Titanic.)
Mulder: (stunned) I-I... I WAS RIGHT! ALIENS DO EXIST! Thank you for the
help, Ms. Tendo. (He grabs Happosai and leads/drags Scully towards the
door.) Don't worry. We'll take this alien back to the States and dissect
him. He won't bother anyone else ever again!
(All Giggle)
Mike: That was unpredictable, and yet it would explain alot!
Kasumi: (worried) Wait! He's not an alien!
Mulder: (not listening too her) Thanks again! (He grins like a madman
and does a little jig as he heads toward the car.) Keep the dog as a
gift!
Scully: (groggily) No, Mulder, I don't know why UFOs would abduct
Elvis... Ohh.... (she fades back into unconsciousness)
Tom: I would guess that Aliens use bacon grease as fuel.
Mulder: (ecstatically) I found an alien! I found an alien! (He puts
Happosai and the barely conscious Scully in the back seat. Then he goes
to the driver side. He stops and waves at Kasumi before getting in.)
Thanks again! Sayonora! (He gets in.)
Kasumi: Wait, Mr. Mul- (she is interrupted by the car starting and
driving off. She looks down at the fluffy dog in her arms. Quiquac
reaches up and licks her face.)
Crow: (Kasumi) Oh my, is it time for that Lemon Fanfic Already?
Mike: Oh, Crow!
Quiquac: (happily) Ruff! Rooff!
Kasumi: Oh dear.
The End.
Tom: Thank god thats over. lets get out of here...
========================================
Crow: Oh, Joy, there's more.
Author's Indulgence
I was online, responding to some of the 300 or so CAPOW e-mails
Mike: sounds like he was doing an Adam West Batman fanfic!
I
had recieved that day, when suddenly the door blew apart. I shielded my
eyes, and thanked god that the cat was sleeping in another room. After
the dust settled I made out the figure of a pissed purple-haired
Crow: what the hell is B-Ko doing in this?!
Chinese
Amazon carrying two BIG bonbori (maces).
Crow: Oh.
A quick prayer escaped my
lips, "Thank you," I prayed, "for not making it Kodachi..."
(All Giggle)
Mike: Okay i have to admit that this wasn't All bad.
"Where writing rodent girl?!" Shampoo yelled.
Since I'm cursed to be painfully (especially for me) honest, I
responded, "I'm here."
She strode toward me and placed the business end of her bonbori
under my chin. Her eyes narrowed. "Why you no put Shampoo in your
stories?"
I gulped. "But, you were in some of my stories, Shampoo...."
"SHAMPOO WANT BE IN FINISHED STORY POSTED TO RAAC!" she yelled
beginning to glow an extremely angry color.
Tom: Yes Anne, stand Right in front of the Ki Blast!
Seeing there was no use in trying to avoid fate, I pushed the
Amazon's bonbori aside. "Fine, I'm going to get creamed. But before
the beating commences can you read this?" I held a piece of paper out
to her.
Crow: (Shampoo) Lemon with Shampoo and Ranma? Woa Ah Ni!
Shampoo put down a bonbori and reached for the paper. She looked
at it suspiciously. "What this?"
"Author's Notes," I replied, "It's thank you's and stuff."
Mike: Oh, now he's Squiggy.
The Amazon examined the paper. "Writing Rodent Girl like to thank
following people: Rumiko Takahashi, who create Ranma 1/2..." She looked
up. "Takahashi-sama create Shampoo's Ranma?" I nodded. "She must be
goddess!" Shampoo exclaimed.
"Most seem to think so."
Tom: Yeah. Well some people thought David Koresh was a god too, get over it.
Shampoo continued. "Jenn for X-Files consultation... What girl
help you with?"
Crow: (Anne) Bad diolouge.
"I didn't know how to spell Scully..."
Shampoo shook her head. "Rodent girl stupid as pig-boy."
Mike: I thought Mousse was a duck.
"Just read the paper..." I said through clenched teeth.
"Mike and Todd, who introduce rodent girl to Ranma... What they?"
I let my teeth unclench (that's a hard position to maintain),
"Um... Hardhead boy and Obsessive boy?"
Tom: And General Boy!
Shampoo nodded in understanding, "Like Kuno and Mousse!"
"A bit, yeah."
"Thank Knights of Anime 'Round... Like Sir Collin?" I nodded.
Shampoo grinned wickedly, "Shampoo owe boy for lemon fic with her and
Ukyou..." I shivered. I didn't like that fic. (Oh, Collin? I'd
run...)
Crow: Hey, where can i get that lemon. *SLURP*.
"Thanking Chris Carter and Fox who create X-Files, though kill
QuiQuac, stupid idiots... Who QuiQuac?"
Tom: Character in 'Full Throttle'
Mike: That was QuoHog
"QuiQuac's the dog that Scully had for awhile," I answered, "I
wanted to save the dog, so I gave him to Kasumi..." I stopped in terror
when Shampoo's eyes started glowing.
"YOU GIVE TENDOS DOG?! SHAMPOO NO VISIT AS CAT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She dropped the paper and grabbed her bonbori. "RODENT GIRL NO
BAKA!!!!!!!!!" she screamed.
"Eep!" I croaked as the Amazonian fury of a Shampoo scorned settled
on me, or more, specifically, on my head, several hundred times...
Tom: That inspired me for another little ditty called "Shampoo meet rabid hound"
-Anne Packrat 10/28/96 (revised 4/29/97) (Shampoo visit - 4/29/97)
Next story: I have to recover first.....
Crow: I hope she's internally bleeding then.
"Oh my, I'm afraid I'm about to do something evil again." - Kasumi - OAV
6: "Faster Kasumi! Kill! Kill!"
"Hey, Scully, what are you wearing?" - Mulder - some X-Files episode
(maybe the cockroach one)
Tom: Isn't that the one where Nicolas Cage guest starred?
--
Anne Packrat/T-Bone
Proud Knight of the Anime 'Round
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/3953
"Mroooowwww!!!" - Ranma-neko
Mike: What a pussy! Lets get out of here...
(Doorway Sequence)
[tom, crow and mike are standing around the SOL]
Mike: I think DR. F is getting soft, that wasn't too bad
Crow: Yeah, if the writer left out the dumb Scully and Mulder hijinks it
would have been decent.
[Deep 13]
Forrester: I HEARD THAT!
[Sol]
All: Uh Oh... well, back to the hiding places.
[Deep 13]
Forrester: Well mike, maybe i have been going soft. maybe i should send you
more Stephen Ratliff...
[Button push]
Forrester: Yeah...
[credits]
MST3K is owned by BBI, joel hodgson and the other weirdos.
Ranma 1/2 is owned by Rumiko Takahashi.
The X-files are owned by, whoever i didnt look them up.
The writer of this was John H. Felix and can be contacted at: oderusu@mscomm.com
Happosai: (faintly) Come here my pretties... I'll give you all a good
home... (He faints.)
oderusu@mscomm.com
oderusu@mscomm.com
--
...Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go read the Sociopath's Essential
Guide to Life And How To Eradicate It.
--