The Dark Kingdom

  The Dark Kingdom was a strange place. Decorated in that avante garde way that said, 
"We hurt people for a living", it was not a nice place to visit. Take Queen Beryl's throne
room for instance. A large chamber, set in rather offensive shades of blue, purple, and
black (Beryl wouldn't stand for puce), it was topped off by a hideous screaming ghost
carved into the wall.

  Beryl sat at her throne,(not porcelain, for Beryl found it to be too fragile, and the
drafts tended to be rather annoying) peering into her floating scrying staff. Looking up,
she said, " Now that we have awakened, we must prepare to revive our sempai, Queen
Metallia. Does anyone have any suggestions?"

  One particularly brave (or extremely stupid) soul stepped forward. "I have a question,
Beryl-sempai."

  "Speak." she replied.

  "Well, I was wondering, why is it that we have to muck about, getting our hands dirty
with this necromancy business, when we could get lots of energy much more quickly and
cleanly with a nice, simple fusion re  ribbit."

  Beryl looked at her finger, which was still smoking from turning the fool into a frog,
and said, "Damn, I charred a nail." (The finger simply said, 'wow, like groovy man')
Looking out at the assemblage before her, she spoke again. "Does anyone have a better
idea?" This last statement was said with an evil smile.

  A dashing young fellow stepped forward. Dressed in a severe uniform, he projected
an aura that caused young girls to scream and swoon before him. Snapping his fingers, a
small youma swept the girls out of the chamber. "I Do, Beryl-sempai." he said, simply
and to the point.

  Beryl smiled. "Ah, Jadeite-kun tell me, have you started it already?"

  He shook his head. "No. I have been scouting the world outside."

  "So tell me, has it changed much?"

  "I'm afraid we've had a bit of a miscalculation, Beryl-sempai."

  "In what way?" She replied, displeasure curling her lip.
(And the votes are in. Daisuke and Hiroshi give it a 8.5, Ataru Moroboshi a 'hey good
lookin'!', Mason gives it 7 seven for effort, and Miyuki, an 8. Lum however, electrocuted
her darling for lecherous comments.)

  "We're not near the earth."

  "What!?"


  "When the spell to open the door was cast, a mistake may have been made, causing it
to open the door to somewhere else." said Jadeite, straightening his uniform in a way that
caused several of the female youma present to swoon.

  "To where?" Beryl was starting to seethe at this point, as steam began to pour out her
ears. (Her finger, meanwhile, said 'Hey man, you need to relax.')

  "The natives call it the Discworld. It is rich in magic. There is, however, a problem."

  "And that is..." said Beryl, who was starting to cool down.

  "It's extremely dangerous. There also seems to be a taboo about the number eight."

  "Interesting. Go out onto this.... Discworld, and take the energy of its inhabitants, so
that we may awaken Metallia-sempai."

  "As you wish, Beryl-sempai." said Jadeite, bowing with a flourish that caused several
more youma and schoolgirls to pass out. Teleporting out of the chamber, a groan rang out
among the female youma.

  "That's enough out of you." said Beryl, who waved the youma out of the room.
When they left, the small, hunchbacked youma walked up to Beryl. Smiling, she looked
down upon him and said, "Igorite, clean up this mess, and call for my manicurist."
The hunchback nodded and said, 'yEs MaStEr." 

  As Igorite walked off, Beryl called out, "And Igorite, bring me another bottle of
that... Groovy Juice."

  Igorite nodded and said, "YeS mAsTeR." Lurching off, he hummed a happy little
tune to himself.

  

  The Shades

  The Shades is an evil place. Not  That  kind of evil place. Besides, saying that sort
of thing would be suicide in the Shades. In some societies, they declare their equivalent
of The Shades a 'no man's land' and wall it off from everyone else. It is what is known
as Kowloon.  However, no one on the disc had thought this, and besides they thought of
The Shades as an irreplaceable part of Ankh-Morpork, like Dibbler's Sausages or The
Guilds.

  On one fine evening, a small dog trotted down the sidewalk. Stopping to scratch
himself, (He claimed to have nearly every single disease known on the Disc) He saw a
small hunchbacked man walk into the Mended Drum. He quickly disregarded this to see
what the Assassin's Guild had for leftovers.

  Two blocks away, a stray bolt of mystical energy crashed down from the sky. The
Dog (whose name is Gaspode), would have thought nothing of it, were it not for the fact
that the bolt struck him. He would not be pleased to find that 80% of his fleas were
killed, either.

    

  Jadeite's Room, The Dark Kingdom.

  >Bang!Bang!Bang!Bang!<

  Jadeite was banging his head against the wall. There was no particular reason for this,
except that the writer thought it might be funny. As soon as he realized that there was no
reason to bang his head against the wall, he stopped and walked over to his phone.
Picking it up, he said, "It's me. I need a youma. No, not one of those. I need something
for a large scale job. Oh, you have just the thing? Send her to my chamber. Yes, that's
right, charge it to my account. Thank you."

  Five seconds later, the youma arrived in a shower of oinking lights. Yes, that's right.
Oinking. Deal with it. The youma bowed and said, "Misspiggyite reporting, your
cuteness." Jadeite shook his head and muttered to himself, 'this is the best they have to
send me?' Unfortunately for Jadeite, Misspiggyite had very good hearing. It was so good
in fact, she heard the inflection of his words. She didn't like it. Not at all. Raising her
hand, she cried, "Hiyah!!!" followed by a karate chop. Several chops and 'hiyahs' later,
Jadeite finally mumbled "ogey, ogey. You gan go. Don' fail be."

  Misspiggyite sweatdropped and said "ano... what did you want me to do?"

  "Go oud and bwing us enegee, so dat we may wagge ap Metawwia-sempai."

  "Oh." the youma twirled and disappeared in another shower of oinking lights.

  "By dose.... she hurd by dose."


  The Shades.

  Gaspode finally awoke, shaking his head to clear out that chanting cats that had
moved into his brain. While shaking didn't get them out, it did quiet them down for a
while. "Wot the bloody 'ell was that?" he asked. "'A have to do wot!?" Slowly rising to
his feet, he walked of to do whatever it was that those darned cats wanted him to do.

  Elsewhere in the Shades. 

  In a dark, dreary alley, (no, not the one Gaspode was in, this is a good ten blocks
away) Misspiggyite arrived in her obligatory shower of oinking lights.  "Now what was I
supposed to do? Oh yes. That's right. Drain energy." Turning, she skipped out of the
alley and proceeded to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting populace. Or so she thought.

  First it was the Trolls. "Look it talking pig." 

  "Surrender your energy to the Dark Kingdom!"

  >BASH!< 

  "Oh, look. Pig now flat."


  "Iiiiiteeeeeeeeee.........."

  Then she found some Dwarves.

  "Since announcing my presence doesn't work, I'll be stealthy."

  "GOLDGOLDGOLDGOLD!"

  "No, you got it all wrong. That's the bloody second chorus!"

  As she began draining the Dwarves, she felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning, she saw a
man dressed in black standing behind her. (And no, that isn't a neuralyzer in his hand.)

  "Might I ask what you're doing?" asked the man, whose knife danced in his deft
hand.

  "Draining energy so that my sempai, Queen Metallia may wake from her millenial
slumber." hmmphed Misspiggyite.

  "You wouldn't be... inhuming people without a license, would you?"

  "No, I'm doing.... THIS!!!" she said as she drained the assassin of his life energy.

  Unfortunately, the commotion alerted the Dwarves, as they had come out to see what
was going on. Pivoting, she was shocked to see about twenty dwarves brandishing axes,
warhammer, and blackjacks. "All right pig," said one of the dwarves, "just what is going
on here?"

  "Awp!"

  

  The Library, Unseen University.

  The Library at the Unseen University was not so much a library as such. It was more
along the lines of a zoo or prison. This was due to the unstable nature of magic on the
Disc, seeing that it took millennia for it to dissipate. So it was not surprising that the one
who kept the library was one who would fit in at a zoo.  He was an orangutan.

  What was surprising, however, was the fact that the Librarian had a visitor. Even
more surprising was the matter of whom was visiting. 

  "Hey, Librarian !"

  "Ook?" asked the Librarian, looking down at the small dog that had spoken to him.
Noting the small crescent moon on the dog's forehead, he let out a small "oOk?" 

  Gaspode beat his head upon the Library's floor in utter frustration. Feeling better, he
said, "Since you can't speak, I guess I'm gonna 'ave ta teach you 'sign language'." And
lo, it was done.  "Now, since that's done, let's get down ta business."  So Gaspode
explained the situation. "You understand?"

  [YES!] said the sign that the Librarian used to bash down on Gaspode's head.

  
  
  The Shades.

  Misspiggyite had had enough. Although she had drained the dwarves of their energy,
they had managed to get a few licks in. Despite the fact that her skimpy Dark Kingdom
Wear(TM) was torn, and a few minor contusions and abrasions covered her youma body,
she was able to begin a mass drain of everyone in her vicinity.

  "HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! Feel the wrath of the Dark
Kingdom!" cackled Misspiggyite maniacally.

  "ook."

  "HOHOHOHOH  ook?" This was surprising. Facing the source of this 'ook', she
gasped. No, not in horror. In absolute utter shock.

  It was an orangutan. In a sailor fuku. The orangutan turned to the dog beside it, and
let out a mournful "Oooook?"

  The dog shook his head ruefully and said, "Would you just use the bloody sign
language like I taught you?"

  [Do I have to?]

  "Look, the sooner we get this done, the sooner you can get out of that dress, and I can
get this bloody crescent moon off my forehead."

  [Alright.]

  The Librarian faced the youma and held up a sign that said, [Creature of Evil, how
dare you attack our fair city?] [In the name of the moon, I,] [The 
Bishoujou Senshi Sailor Moon] [shall punish you!]

  Misspiggyite looked at Sailor Moon and began to laugh. "OHOHOHOHOHOHOH!
 You  are the most ridiculous thing I've even seen. Take this!" Punching the ground, a
wave of energy shot out from the youma's fist, and tore through the cobbled streets.

  Sailor Moon grabbed Gaspode and tried to leap out of the way, but was lightly
clipped by the wave.

  "HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! You'll not escape  ME  that easil"
said Misspiggyite as a sentient luggage dropped down from above, and landed on her,
flattening her.



  "Greetings! I am Tuxedo Wizzard!" said a tuxedo-clad figure on a nearby rooftop.
Atop his head, instead of a top hat, was a conical wizzard's hat that had the word
'wizzard' written on it in bright, spangly speckles.

    The luggage hopped off of Misspiggyite, growled angrily at her, and trotted off into a 
convenient wormhole that had opened up nearby.

  "Sailor Moon! Believe in yourself and you will defeat your enemies!" said Tuxedo
Wizzard before leaping off the roof into yet another convenient wormhole.

  Sailor Moon looked down at Gaspode, who looked up and said, "Take off your tiara,
throw it at the youma, and say, 'Moon Tiara Action!'"

  "OoooK?" 

  "Just get it over with so we can get on with our respective lives." replied Gaspode
bitterly.

  The Librarian glared at Gaspode for a moment, and as he was asked. Pulling the tiara
off of his head, it turned into a circular discus-like object in his hand. Holding up a sign
that read [Moon Tiara Action!], he through the tiara at the youma. The Tiara flew
through the air and struck the youma in the chest.

  Misspiggyite screamed in pain. "Nooooooo..... it can't end this waaaaaaaaay."
There was a bright flash of light as Misspiggyite exploded. When vision returned to those
stupid enough to watch this lightshow, all that was left of her was a pile of dust.

  The Librarian looked down at Gaspode and said, "Oooook?"

  "How the hell should I know?"

  Suddenly things made complete and total sense to the Librarian. A smile crossed his
enormous lips as the words formed in his head.

  [Gaspode no Baka!] read the sign that tossed Gaspode into LEOspace.


  
  Continent of XXXX.

  Rincewind shook his head a few times to clear his head.  What a dream, he thought.
I need to remind myself not to eat any bats before going to sleep.

  "'Ey, Mate. Nice threads." said a passing local.

  Rincewind looked down at himself and seeing that he was wearing a caped tuxedo,
screamed his head off.

  
  Meanwhile at the Unseen University....

  "It's been a strange day." remarked the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

  "Yes, quite." agreed the Senior Wrangler.

  "Did you see the magical girl fight off an evil monster?" piped in the Bursar.

  "Actually I heard that the Librarian was seen wearing a dress down in the shades."
replied Archchancellor Ridcully. This was before the Librarian walked and bapped
Ridcully's head into a bowl of soup with a sign that read, quite simply, [Baka!]



  The Dark Kingdom.
  
  "Jadeite-kun! You have failed me! Do you have an explanation for this?" inquired a
very cross Queen Beryl, whose was starting to turn red from anger.

  "Yeth, thempai. Youba'th'ar'uth thent be a rousy  youba."  

  "I see. And what about these reports that they've been sending you youmas on a fairly
regular basis?" replied Beryl.

  Damn! thought Jadeite. She's found me out. I was hoping to save this for a later time,
but I guess I'll have to play this card now. "Thempai, I habe been tethding a new type of
youba foa dem." he snapped his fingers and a massively muscular youma entered the
chamber and walked up to Beryl's throne.

  Beryl stared at the youma intently for a moment, and said, "Interesting. Very well, I'll
let you live, for now. Leave me."

  Jadeite nodded and left the chamber supported by several female youma.

  "Brainite! Report!"

  A small mouse with an abnormally large head and wearing a general's uniform,
stepped forward, and bowed. The mouse was followed by another mouse, who was taller
and wore a similar uniform. The second mouse had a dizzy look about him.
"Yes! Beryl-sempai. I was successful in getting the door to open somewhere on earth, but
there were some complications." reported Brainite.

  Beryl arched an eyebrow. "Complications?"

  Brainite nodded his massive head and continued. "When the door was reopened, a
human girl tried to charge us money to pass through."


  "What!? Did you use the youma that was assigned you?"

  "Yes. Unfortunately, two martial artists crashed through the wall and destroyed it in
the course of the fight. Readings have indicated that world while similar, was not the one
we were looking for." replied Brainite.

  "I understand. Leave me."

  Brainite nodded and turned to his companion. "Come, Pinkyite. We must return to
the Dark Labs to prepare for tomorrow night."

  "Gee, Brainite, what are going to do tomorrow night?" asked Pinkyite.

  "The same thing we always do, Pinkyite. Try to take over the world!"

  "Oh, that. Right then."

  Beryl blanched as their fanfare accompanied them out of the room. Letting out a sigh
of relief, she slumped into her throne.

  "MaStEr?"

  "Yes, Igorite?" asked Beryl, looking down at the pitiful looking youma.

  Igorite held up a pottery jug that was stoppered with a large piece of cork. "YoUr
gRoOvY JuIcE, mAsTeR."

  Beryl accepted the jug and patted the youma on the head. "Thank you, Igorite. I don't
know what I'd do without you."

  "ThAnK yOu MaStEr."

  

               The End


          Dark Kingdom Adventures
          Part One
          Bishoujou Senshi Sailor Moon.





Ash looks out from a barricade, and seeing that the coast is clear, steps out.
"Whew. It's finally over. About a week ago, I got this really bad pun stuck in my head,
and the only way I could get rid of it was to write this." *wipes sweat off of brow*
"For those of you with little or no Japanese skills, are wondering what the pun was, it has
to do with the word Shojo. Depending on how you stressed the o's, you would get 'young
virgin', 'young girl', or 'orangutang'. That's it. However, while writing this, I got the
Idea to do some other stories that would Show the Dark Kingdom dealing with different
worlds  and Sailor Moons. The next one is tentatively titled ; 'Sailor Moon the Psychic
Girl'. This has nothing to do with Mai the Psychic Girl, and deals with someone else
forced to become Sailor Moon. Other Ideas include; 'Sailor Moon SSJ', and 'Neon
Genesis Sailor Moon'. (I may ditch the last one for being way too silly.) If you're still
reading this, thank you and tell me what you think of it."
*Ash goes back behind the barricade to wait out any potential flames, etc.*