Apologies to Richard Hempsey and his story �Ranma 1/1�, but I just HAD
to make fun of it!
(Turn off your lights and watch as your screen explodes in
3....2....1....just kidding!)
Well, I'm trying a lemon. This is my first attempt at something like
this and it'll be part of my standard, but this will most likely branch
off into a separate story line as I don't want to leave underage kids
out of the picture. Remember! I�m only C&Cing this fic and making
witty comments. Don�t sue me!
And to those on the FFML, yes I have a story line around this stuff.
And no, I�m not sick. I�m an AUTHOR!!! BWAHAHAHAA!
Apologies to Richard Hempsey and his story �Ranma 1/1�, but I just HAD
to make fun of it!
Theme Song: WARNING! THIS MAY BE TOO HARD TO SING!! No pun intended.
There was a guy just out of high school named A-kun,
He had two brothers who worked at M.H.I.
They brought him in on the weekend to clean up the place,
But they didn't like the job he did, so they shot him into space!
(Hey, you can't do this, I know people! REAL people!)
(Yeah, but they're the ones paying us to do this!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!)
We'll send him cheesy fanfics!
The worst we can find! (Lalala)
He'll have to sit and watch them all
And we'll monitor his mind! (Lalala)
Now keep in mind A-kun can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end! (Lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To summon his anime friends!
Anime Roll Call:
Cambot (Pan left)
Ami Mizuno (Hi there!)
Ifurita (What is the purpose of this?)
Ranmaaaaaaaaaaaa (I'm different!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts (Lalala)
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
I should really just relax! For Mystery Anime Theater 2000...."
[In orbit over Earth, there's a giant stapler. We float up to it and
enter...]
[On the bridge, Ami and Ranma are talking.]
Ranma: Ami, this whole situation is driving me nuts! I HAVE to start at
least two romantic relationships at once, thus starting a love-triangle.
I HAVE TO! IT'S FOR MY SANITY!!!
Ami [noticing us]: Oh, hi and welcome to the Satellite of Anime. I'm
Ami Mizuno and with me right now is Ranma Saotome. [Aside to us] Ranma's
REALLY creeping me out right now. He starting to sound a lot like
Haruka did when a particularly Hentai monster attacked. Oh, wait, you
didn�t see that episode. And you won�t because it was cut from both the
Japanese and the American version in my universe.
Ranma: So will you help me out, Ami?
A-kun [walking onto the bridge]: Hey guys, I�m just going to get
a....Ranma, what are you doing?
Ranma: Trying to convince Ami to be part of the Love Triangle.
A-kun: Love triangle?
Ranma: Yeah, I told you that I couldn�t get Ifurita to join in.
Remember?
A-kun: Oh, that love triangle. [to himself] Hmmm, better ask Dr.
Matheus to send up Cologne. She�ll definitely stunt his hormones....of
course, she�ll kill my hormones as well....definitely not
good.....better think of someone else.....
Ifurita [walking onto the bridge] Hey, guys. Didn�t you notice the red
light flashing? It�s been flashing for twenty minutes.
A-kun: Why didn�t you answer?
Ifurita: I had to....uh....go to the bathroom.....yeah.....
[A-kun pressed the Mads Button.]
[Deep Throat 4]
Dr. Matheus: Hello, LOSERS! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I can never quite stop
laughing over that one. Hehehehehe...ANYway, since you kept me waiting,
A-kun, I�ll go first in our invention exchange. DANNY BOY!!
Danny Boy [walking in with a cart]: Here�s your invention, Dr. Matheus.
[The device on the cart look like a TV hooked up to a miniature
electric chair.]
Dr. Matheus: Thank you, now, as you all know, Sex sells. Why is this
important? Because it has to do with my invention, the �Censor Matic
1000�. I have developed a special device that will censor any and all
words, images or even suggestions of sex. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
[Satellite of Anime]
A-kun: Who will buy it?
[DP4]
Dr. Matheus: Parents who are for censorship. They�ll scramble over this
like the V-chip! And best yet, you can�t DE-program it! So, when they
go to watch they�re own shows, they�ll be so annoyed that they PAY me to
�fix� it. Soon I'll have enough money, I�LL BE ABLE TO _BUY_ THE
WORLD!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
[SOA]
Ranma: Won�t work. They�ll return it first.
[DP4]
Dr. Matheus: All right, smart guys, what�s your invention?
[SOA]
Ranma: Glad you asked.
[A-kun and Ifurita wheel in a pile of creased books and what looks like
an iron.]
Ami: Many people get annoyed or frustrated when friends, loved ones, or
even they themselves make an ugly crease on a book.
Ifurita: Our invention, the �De-Crease�, fixes creases without damaging
the books themselves.
[Ranma picks up the De-Crease and picks up a book that is creased all
over.]
Ranma: You can use it on the spine of the book, the cover, the back,
even pages. And best yet, if you accidentally tear the page, the
De-Crease has a special adapter that will FIX that tear without leaving
a mark that it was damaged to begin with!
[To prove this, Ranma decreases the cover, spine, the back, a page and
fixes another page.]
A-kun: What do you think, sirs?
[DP4]
Dr.Matheus: Not bad, A-kun. Your experiment today is a lemon entitles
�Ranma 1/1�. It�s by Richard Hempsey. Enjoy!
[SOA]
A-kun: Really cool, ain�t it?
[Suddenly the mad light begins flashing and sirens go off.]
All: OH NO!! WE�VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!
[They all race to their access ports. The dogbone door opens for us as
Cambot enters the tunnel to the theater.]
[Door 6: It�s a naughty .gif of Ami, you swipe it and continue.]
[Door 5: It�s a revolving door. You take off your skis, put them aside
and continue through.]
[Door 4: It�s a shower curtain. You pull it back to reveal....nothing.
You frown and continue.]
[Door 3: It�s a picture of Bill Clinton. You roll it up and smoke it,
making sure not to inhale.]
[Door 2: It�s made out of hair. You pull out some scissors and cut
it.]
[Door 1: It�s a vault door. It opens for you.]
[Ifurita enters first, followed by Ami, A-kun and Ranma. They sit in
that order.]
richh@valis.worldgate.edmonton.ab.ca (Richard Hempsey)
A-kun [Sarcastically snobby]: Oh, it�s the GREAT Richard Hempsey.
Ranma 1/1
Ranma: Uh, Richard. It�s Ranma 1/2, not Ranma 1/1. Check your math
next time.
Ami: I think it�s the title.
Ranma tapped lightly on Akane's bedroom window. "Akane?
Akane!"
A-kun: I can do this really cool thing with my tongue! Watch!
"Shh! Ranma, you know better!" whispered Akane, sliding open
her window.
Ranma: Yeah, not to knock on her window. 99.89% of the time, I�m
knocked out of it.
"If the window was open, I wouldn't have had to knock!" Ranma
argued, jumping in.
Ami [Ranma]: And if you wouldn�t put those security lasers up, I
wouldn�t have to come to your window!
Ifurita: You know, if I were Akane and Makoto were Ranma, I wish he�d
come to MY window.
A-kun: Hey, Ami. This remind you of anything? [Singing] %Come to my
window..% [Stops singing] ACK!! AAAAACCCKKK!!!
[Ami is strangling A-kun. Ifurita and Ranma don�t move to help A-kun,
but rather watch with amusement.]
"Well, excuse me!" Akane retorted.
Ifurita: You�re excused. NOT!
Hearing the window closing behind him, Ranma spun around,
All: Wheeeeeeeeee!!
putting his arms around Akane from behind. "You're excused, love," he
whispered into her ear. "Now forget that window."
Ranma: GAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
A-kun: Wow, Ranma! Didn�t know you were so bold!
Akane had jumped at Ranma's grab,
All:....the hell?
but at the feel of his body
pressed into hers, relaxed into his arms.
Ami [Akane]: Oh, Mister Pitt! I�m not a fan, but I like your butt!
[Ranma glares at Ami.]
She sighed. "Ranma, why are
we doing this?
A-kun [Akane]: You know my father wouldn�t approve of my fiancee coming
into my room during a lemon.
Ranma: You kidding? He�d love the idea.
A-kun [Akane]: I was being sarcastic, baka!
Sneaking around, I mean. Hiding from our families."
Ranma: Well, I don�t think they�d approve of us doing this. I mean,
eating Dairy Queen blizzards in the middle of the night is just...so not
right!
"Akane... I love you..."
A-kun:...and Ucchan....I love you....
Ami:....and Shampoo....I love you.....
Ifurita:...and Kodachi.....GAH!!!
She smiled. "I love you too. But what--"
Ifurita [Akane]: -about our parking space?! The meter will run out in
five minutes!
A-kun [Ranma]: Then we�ll have to act fast! You grab the Ho-Hos, I�ll
grab the Raisenets!
Ranma interrupted her. "Up until just recently, everything
I've
done has been because of my dad.
All [disgusted]: Eeeewwww.....
[Ranma blows chunks.]
My training. My accident in China.
Hiding from my mom, always on the move.
All: Oh.
[Ranma swallows down more bile.]
It's the same with you.
All [disgusted]: EEEEEeeeeewwwww!!!!
[Ami blows chunks.]
Your
dad trying to control your life, your sisters, Kunou always getting in
your way. Our families even planned
A-kun: Our toaster-strudel!
our marriage. But this is _our_
Ifurita:....parking space!
Ami:....screwdriver!
Ranma:....pen!
A-kun:....vibrat-ACK!! [A-kun is crushed by the Hammer of Morality]
decision. It's _our_ lives. We love each other in _spite_ of what
they've done, not _because_ of them. So it will be my choice when I
ask... will you
Ami: take care of my tamagotchi?
Ranma: Tamagotchi? No way, my allowance ain�t THAT great. I�d have a
tamagrouchi.
marry me?"
All [stunned]: Gaaaahh....
Akane spun around,
All: Wheeeeee!
surprised beyond words. She stared into his
Ami and Ifurita: pants, staring at his peni-
Ranma and A-kun: Stop!
face, seeing both honesty and embarassment. She threw her arms around
Ami and Ifurita: his peni-
Ranma and A-kun: Stop!!!
him. "Of course, you big jerk! Only..." Akane hesitated.
Ami [Akane]: You don�t look like John Belushi....
"Not yet?" Ranma interrupted again. He felt Akane nod.
A-kun: Hmmm, this is most unusual since she�s standing across the
room...
Ami: Maybe she�s a psionist.
"I didn't think so. How about after graduation then? Sound good?"
Ranma [whining]: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I WANT TO NOW!!!!
Akane didn't answer, but Ranma felt her pushing him.
A-kun: Quit it, ya booger!
He shuffled backwards until he fell backwards onto her bed, Akane on
top of
him.
Ami and Ifurita: And his peni-
Ranma and A-kun: STOP!!!!
"Nnnngg!" He barely stifled a scream.
Ranma: I�ll fix that. *AHEM*! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!
"Ranma! What's wrong?"
A-kun [Ranma, groaning]: I landed on my keys!
Ifurita [Ranma, groaning]: Take.....off......the.....kleets......
"Get... get off!" He pushed Akane off,
A-kun: She flew across the room, then flew back, just to piss him off!
and quickly sat up, hunched over himself.
Ami: MY TAMAGOTCHI!! SPEAK TO ME, KODACHI!!! Sure, I haven�t been
speaking to you, feeding you, walking you or anything, but I DIDN�T MEAN
TO KILL YOU!! Well, maybe....
Akane knelt beside Ranma. "Ranma! What's wrong?" she repeated.
Ami: The question is, what�s wrong with Akane?
Ranma: Must have scratched up her brain. Hit the record player a few
time.
"Your leg... hit me..." Ranma groaned.
A-kun: In...the spleen!
"Oh, Ranma, I'm so sorry." Akane's voice turned from
apologetic
to seductive.
Ami: Not the tone she should be using.
"Don't worry though. I'll make it feel better."
Ranma: Sure. You know what they say, stick it in your mouth...
Ami: That�s when you burn something.
Ranma: AAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!
Ranma looked up, intrigued despite his pain. "Oh? And just
how
do you plan to do that?" he asked rhetorically.
Ami: Duuuuuuhhh.....put a cast on it?
"I'm sure something will... come up."
A-kun: Like that submarine!
Ranma groaned more at the pun than at his pain.
[The MAT 2K crew groan as well.]
Ranma uncurled from his hunched-over position to push Akane
onto
Ranma: HER KEYS! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I HAVE MY REVENGE!!!
her back and started unbuttoning her pyjama top.
Ranma and A-kun: Ooooooohh...... [Drool]
"Quick recovery..." Akane commented.
Ranma bent down to kiss her. "I'd have to be dead for you not
to excite me," he whispered.
All: WHOO-HOOOOOO!!!!
"Flattery," she whispered back, "will get you anything you
want."
Ranma and A-kun: Ooooooooohhhhh.....[DROOL]
Ranma kissed his way down her body, pausing only to pull off
her
pyjama bottoms and panties.
A-kun: Show us your woman things!
Akane broke in.
A-kun:....the hell? I thought she lived there. Why would she have to
break in?
"Hey, I was supposed to be making you feel
Ifurita: This jell-o.
A-kun: This cordless phone.
Ranma: This tazer.
Ami: This vibrat-
A-kun and Ranma: THAT�S ENOUGH!!!
better."
"I dunno... I'm feeling better by the minute!"
Ranma: GO FOR IT!!!
A-kun [Shang Tsung]: FINISH HIM!!! [Normal] Oops, sorry. Flashback.
Akane pulled a face at that.
A-kun: OW!! Akane.....let....go....of...my.....ear!
"Oh, funny! Still, this will make
Ifurita: You go bezerk....
Ami: you do your homework....
Ranma: Your imagination run wild....
A-kun: you run buck naked into a swimming pool filled with jell-o....
you feel really good." She felt Ranma freeze as she began undoing his
Ifurita: Shirt.
Ami: Pants.
Ranma: No, she has to undo my belt first.
A-kun: Socks.
pants.
She started stroking the erection that had practically popped
out
Ami: Of the jar of �Peanut Brittle� that he had in there.....
in front of her.
"How are you now?" she asked Ranma. A groan was
his only answer.
Ranma: My heart�s nearly exploding, my eyes are bulging, my thingy is
HUGE and I REALLY got go to the bathroom....
A-kun: Yeah, �cause she crushing...
Ranma: A-KUN!!
A-kun:....lemons....for juice....so she can make Lemonade. Didn�t you
know that�s how Biles made it?
Ranma stopped Akane after only a few minutes of sucking.
"Akane,
A-kun: This is GREAT lemonade! I guess you CAN make something
non-toxic.
stop, or I'm going to..."
Ifurita: explode.
Ami [blushing]: Ifurita!
Ifurita: No, I mean if she doesn�t stop sucking, he�s going to explode,
like that Apollo space shuttle!
Ranma: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
She smirked at him. "Oh no, we can't have that!"
Ranma: Yeah, I don�t want to be a mess on the carpet!
He turned around and kissed her.
All: WHEEEEEE!!!!!
A-kun: Wait a minute! Is Ranma suddenly a contortionist?!
"I would _love_ for you to
finish what you were doing. I'd rather finish
Ami: this soda first. One moment.
with you, though."
"Thank you," she replied, kissing him back. "But you need to
Ifurita: GET A BREATH MINT!!! Yeesh, Ranma! Did you EVER brush in this?
Ranma: I wasn�t in this. Or at least, not sober anyway.
get ready first."
A-kun [Ed McMahon]: LLLLLLLET�S GET REEAAAADDDY TO RUUUMMMMMMMBLLLLEE!!!
Ranma nodded and started removing the rest of his clothes as
Akane went to her desk.
A-kun [Akane]: I have this major exam, darling. Don�t worry. I�ll be
ready for THAT in a few hours.
Opening a small package retrieved from it's hiding place, Akane
Ami: Laughed evilly. Ranma was going to get the pinch of his life...
turned to Ranma in alarm. "Ranma, there's only one left!"
A-kun: Only one more can of lemonade concentrate? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
He smiled back at Akane.
Ranma: What the hell is going on? I�m facing her, then I�m not, then I�m
facing her again, then I�m not! WHAT�S GOING ON?!! AM I FACING HER OR
WHAT?!!
A-kun: Calm down. The author is obviously focusing one person. In the
future, however, I would advise explaining further.
"Well, we'll just have to make the most of it!"
All: WHOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Akane smoothed the condom over him.
A-kun: That must be one big-ass condom.
Ranma: Maybe it was the same ones used in Naked Gun.
A-kun: More like the ones used in Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut.
Ranma: Good plug.
A-kun: Thanks!
"Come here, lover," she
said, laying back on her bed and pulling on Ranma's shoulders.
Ranma: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
"With pleasure, love!" he replied, moving over her.
Ranma: Man, I can get great traction on her! I wonder how sex with her
would be like?
Akane moaned and wrapped her arms and legs around Ranma as he
entered her.
All:....the hell?
Ifurita: Ranma must be a fast mover in this.
A-kun: No kidding. I have a tougher time gettting dressed with my magic
than these two do getting undressed.
Ranma: Maybe we aren�t undressed so I can leave without raising any
suspicion?
Ami: Yeah, but then how would you explain the wrinkles in your clothes?
Ranma: Mastur-
A-kun: Hush Ranma.
They moved together for a while, but Akane's earlier attentions
left Ranma closer to the edge and he came first,
Ifurita:....the hell? Where did he go? Is he suddenly Ryoga?
Akane quickly
following.
A-kun: Ah, yes. Wherever Ranma goes, Akane always follows. Kinda like
that story of Ms. Hinako and her Fanny....
Ranma had fallen to one side but continued to hold Akane as
they
Ami: wrestled for the sheets!
rested.
"I really wish I could stay the night, but..." he trailed off.
Ifurita: I�m lost again....DANG IT!! I�M BECOMING RYOGA!!!
A-kun: Don�t laugh, I�m making that story.
"It would look really suspicious?" she finished. "Yes, I wish
A-kun [Homer Simpson]: I wish, I wish I hadn�t killed that fish....
you could, too. Just stay for a little while longer please?"
"Of course," he said, before they both fell asleep.
A-kun: I don�t understand, why are they tired?
Ami: Have you been reading the fanfic at all?
A-kun: One moment......[reads the fanfic again]..OOOHH!! Oooooooooh....
Kasumi sighed as she leafed through a cookbook. _How long are
those two going to keep this up?_ she thought. _I really do need a
full
night's rest._
Ami: Probably the straighest line I�ve heard during this whole thing.
A-kun: Ah, Kasumi must be waiting for her turn, like in all those other
fanfics.
--
Richard Hempsey
rich@knoware.ersys.edmonton.ab.ca (preferred)
richh@worldgate.edmonton.ab.ca
A-kun: C�mon. It�s over.
[Door 1: It�s a vault door. It closes after you.]
[Door 2: It�s made out of cut hair. It re-assembles itself as you pass
through it.]
[Door 3: It was a picture of Bill Clinton, but you smoked it.]
[Door 4: It�s a shower curtain. It closes as you leave.]
[Door 5: It�s a revolving door. You pick up your skis and put them
on.]
[Door 6: It�s another naughty .gif of Ami, you swipe it and continue.]
[Dogbone. Ranma and Ami are not on the bridge. A-kun and Ifurita are,
however. And there is a strange thumping noise audible in the
Satellite.]
A-kun: Oh, hi. Ami and Ranma just read Lemon Sherbert by John Walter
Biles, a continuation of his infamous Lemonade, and they decided to act
out some scenes. So, Ifurita and I are going to discuss this story.
Ifurita: It was all right, but the author left quite a bit out, like why
did Ranma and Akane have to keep turning around? Why didn�t they
undress? And where was the build up for Akane? Recent reports by
certain magazines that will remain unmentioned say that women have to
have 20 to 30 minutes of foreplay before their ready, while men only
need 20-30 seconds.
A-kun: Maybe that was why Akane had her window closed. Everyone knows
that if you want to do something sexual in Nerima, it�s going to draw
the attention of EVERYONE in town. All in all, not bad, Richard, but
PLEASE add more details if you do intend to keep this story online.
Ifurita: What do you think, sirs?
[DP4]
Dr. Matheus: It�s a good review, but I�m not through. Not by a long
shot! Enjoy your victory while you can! Press the button, Danny!
\ | /
- - - FWOO-PINGCLUNKCHUGCHUGCHUG-RIIIIIIIIIIIIII-GUNK
/ | \
The End
Apologies to Richard and anyone I may have offended in this review. I�m
not sure I offended anyone, but I�m just covering my ass here, folks.
Ranma 1/2 is property of Takahashi-sama and anyone else that�s involved
in it�s production.
Sailor Moon is property of Naoko-sama and blah, blah, blah.
El Hazard is property of blah, blah, blah.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is AWESOME!!!!
A-kun, signing off.
-He shuffled backwards until he fell backwards onto her bed, Akane on
top of him.-
______________________________________________________
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