In the not-too-distant future--
Next Sunday A.D.--
There was a guy named Bailesu,
Not too different from you or me.
He studied at the University of Maryland,
Just another grad student in a red t-shirt
He did a good job studying Merry old England,
But his professors didn't like him
So they shot him into Kansas...
We'll send him lots of fanfic,
The most we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Bailesu can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used that part of the budget
To hire some helpful friends.
Commentator Roll Call: (Let's go!)
John Walter Biles as Dread Space Pirate Bailesu! (The egotistical God of
Fanfiction, just ask him :))
Amy Anderson as Mizuno Ami! (The helpful commentator)
Falco (the mid-eighties one hit wonder) as Fargo(The useless commentator)
If you're wondering how he finds time to eat and study
and other grad school facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's his life,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Fanfic Commentary Theatre 3000!"
[Lights come up in the Fanfic Commentary Theatre of Love. Ami and Bailesu
are busy necking. Fargo walks in.]
Fargo: Guten Tag, meinen freunden!
Bailesu: Can you come back when we're done?
Fargo: I'm getting paid by the minute.
Bailesu: Well, Dr. Price can pay you to go away, then.
Fargo: And it comes out of your paycheck.
Bailesu: ...
Ami: Let's get this show on the road, then.
Firelight.
Warming. Comforting.
Consuming. Destroying.
Bailesu: Little.
Ami: Yellow.
Fargo: Different.
Obscuring.
The truth does not live in the light. Light is not truth. Light
can be manipulated to conceal the truth. To blind us. To trick us. To
divert our eyes away from what is really going on.
Fargo: Like those two necking.
[Bailesu mallets Fargo]
gaze, "if my father would not have approved, then why did he provide me
with the information and tools to deal with the problem?"
Ami: Because he expected you to adopt a different solution? After all,
we have arms that let us carry weapons capable of murdering other people,
but that doesn't mean we were MEANT to kill them.
Fargo: You know, she can't actually HEAR you.
I closed my eyes for a moment, then turned back to render my
anticipated reply, but my words were stolen from me. She was standing
beside my computer, her arms still folded across her chest in a gesture
of contained patience, her eyes still burning with defiance. Schematic
Fargo: What other kind of patience is there? Rampaging patience?
I was sitting huddled in the spotlight, spending my last few
moments in its warmth while the Chosen Ones huddled around the Producer,
when I realized I was being watched. I looked up just as a someone
stepped from the darkened house to the edge of the spot shining brightly
onto the barren stage. Nice shoes, I thought.
Ami: Has this scene been used somewhere before? It looks very familiar
as if I'd read it somewhere else, but I'm not sure where...Had part of
this story been posted as a draft before?
"So you need a hacker to help you take Genom down?"
"That's not what I said, Romanova-san."
"No, but it's what you meant." I grinned. I loved putting people
off-balance, and this lady was no exception: the look on her face was
priceless. Now, to find out what she was really after. "Why me?" I
asked, my question echoing her expression.
She just sat there for a minute, as if she was considering
something. Then she sighed, and said, "Of those who managed to crack
the code embedded in my electronic message, you are one of the few who
met the additional requirements necessary for the position."
Ami: This scene looks quite familiar too.
I'd taken some advice Dr. Raven had given me to heart, and had gone
back to school. Not just in the traditional sense, because I'd done
that too, but there are some things you don't learn in a classroom. So
in the guise of a 'round the world vacation, I traveled and learned
everything I could from the best I could find. Physical training.
Conventional military and urban guerrilla tactics. Team tactics.
Weapon systems and armaments. Command and Control. The quickest and
best ways to disarm, injure, and kill. Field medicine. The Zen of the
Battlefield.
Fargo: You left our your career as an idol singer! o/~ Rock me,
Amadeus... o/~
Ami: ...
Bailesu: PLEASE don't sing.
And more.
And in my spare time, I was closeted with Dr. Raven and Mackie,
adapting the equipment I hoped to one day use to what I had learned
during my newly gained experiences.
Fargo: Until now, when you came out of the closet.
Bailesu: Then again, maybe you SHOULD sing instead of making comments.
Next in the queue was Priscilla Asagiri:
- Born 27 May, 2013.
- Small-time singer in the band 'Priss and the Replicants'.
- Former bike gang member.
- Minor criminal record related to her gang activities.
- Parents deceased, 2025, in the Quake.
- Senior high school dropout.
- Lived in an orphanage, ran away on average once/month.
- Moved in with leader of her gang when she finally left the orphanage.
- Lover died just last week. She blames Genom for it.
- Now living in a refrigerated trailer in District 3.
Bailesu: Refrigerated? Do you mean 'air-conditioned'? Refrigerated
trailer sounds like she's living in a beef-transportation car.
inside. Did she have some sort of death wish? This could make us all
very dead very quickly, boomers or not.
Fargo: More like 'How big of a death wish does she have' :)
Ami: You don't have to sound so cheery about it.
"Rule number two: Do not act upon a personal grudge. Life can be
unfair, and unpleasant things happen. But don't get the organization
involved."
I wondered why she was looking directly at Priss when she said
that.
Fargo: I'm not wondering at all.
Sounded expensive. But what defined 'unavoidable'?
Fargo: A very good point.
"Rule number eight: Do keep in contact with the other members
regularly."
Yeesh. Just how many of these things _were_ there, anyway?
Fargo: I bring you the Ten [fumbles a tablet, which breaks] Five. Five
commandments!
"It's been a while Sylia."
Ami: while, Sylia.
I looked into the mirror behind the bar to see him standing
directly behind me, a cigarette in his left hand, blonde hair
disheveled. He hadn't changed one bit since that ill-fated trip to
Colombia, where we'd first bumped into each other. Maybe if he combed
his hair once in a while he could be considered handsome. By some
women.
Fargo: HEY!!!!! I am THE MAN!
Ami: In your own mind.
"Please, have a seat Fargo. I'm paying this time."
Ami: seat, Fargo.
He laughed as he sat down next to me, that same unnerving too-quiet
chuckle that used to make me think he was laughing at me. He really
hadn't changed.
"Thanks Sylia. Very kind of you."
Ami: Thanks, Sylia.
Bailesu: Celia.
[Fargo mallets Bailesu]
Fargo: I prefer Cillia myself.
Bailesu: ....
"Huh. I don't know why I'm surprised. After all," he turned to
look at me, "nearly getting killed in the jungle is enough to drive two
people into each other's arms."
Fargo: One of my better pick up lines, I have to say.
Ami: Which explains a lot.
that area. Since Asagiri, and especially Romanova, needed to increase
their level physical conditioning, this seemed the perfect place to
Ami: Level of physical
think what Asagiri would do to her when the time came to learn how to
_really_ handle a motorcycle and they switched roles as instructor and
student.
Ami: motorcycle, and they
I didn't want to get involved with it. With them. They were going
to have to work together, but that didn't mean they had to like each
other. They weren't supposed to be friends anyway -- that would be
Ami: I'd think people who dislike each other wouldn't make a very good
team.
Fargo: Yes, but everyone in YOUR universe is nicey-nicey, while we're
grim and gritty.
Bailesu: Well, you're gritty, anyway. Do they not have baths in your
universe?
Fargo: Don't make me sing again.
Bailesu: [grovels in apology]
While the Doctor continued to look over the console's readouts in
Fargo: Did he bring his TARDIS?
Ami: ...
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu
rhea@tass.org http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/
"...commerce with the American colonies and plantations was
severely disrupted by political controversy during the 1770s."
T. Griffiths, P.A. Hunt and P.K. O'Brien, 'Inventive Activity in
the British Textile Industry, 1700-1800', The Journal of Economic
History, vol. 52, No. 4 (Dec. 1992), p. 897.