Nightbreak wrote:

For those who haven't read my first part, please do!  I really need C&C
for this first fanfic.  Much work went into this.  (As did many of
yours, I understand.)

Well, it seems like a pretty well-written, especially for a first 
fanfic.  Events passed (for the most part) in a logical manner.  
However, there were several rather large plot holes that I just couldn't 
get past.  I'm sorry to hear that your pre-readers bailed out on you, 
because I'm sure they would have helped you correct the following.

Problems

1. Shampoo is a much, much better fighter than Kuno.  The notion that 
she would feel at all threatened by him is simply laughable.  Even 
taking into account Ranma's vaunted training (which I'll get to later), 
she should have had no trouble dropping Kuno in about five seconds.  She 
even managed to get his weapon away from him, for goodness sakes.  The 
fight should have been over then and there, because he has little to no 
hand-to-hand ability.  I found her defeat totally unbelieveable (though 
the fight scene was pretty well written, if that's any comfort.)

2. Maybe I didn't read closely enough, but why would Ranma need anyone 
to tell him about the Nanniuchan?  He already knopws about it, and 
indeed it should have been the first thing on his mind when he heard 
they were going to Jusenkyo.

3. You actually have to drown something in a Jusenkypo spring to create 
a new cursed spring.  Now, it's possible to survive drowning, but Kuno 
would have had to have gotten at least a little water in his lungs.  
Just falling in wouldn't do it.

4. I didn't find it believeable that Mousse would try to help Kuno beat 
Shampoo, even if it meant breaking her away from Ranma.  He wouldn't 
want to risk seeing her hurt.  Contrarywise, I don't think Ranma would 
go along with it either.  Whatever he tells Akane, his ego's pretty 
inflated by having all these women after him.  He wouldn't really want 
to lose Shampoo, especially not to a putz like Kuno.

5. The much vaunted 'Ranma trains somebody for a few days and suddenly 
they're able to take on a much stonger opponents and do chi blasts' 
scenario.  I don't recall seeing any evidence for Ranma being such a 
hotshot trainer.  I mean, I don't think even Cologne could have Kuno 
doing chi blasts in a week.  I just can't believe that a little training 
from Ranma and Mousse could improve Kuno so much.  Incidentally, I 
acknowledge that this is somewhat more of a minor nit than the others.

Off-C&C: I've occasionally toyed with the idea of a fic where Ranma 
discovers he has zero aptitude for teaching others.  He's as bad at 
passing along his fighting skill as Akane is at cooking, and can't seem 
to improve no matter what he tries.  Ranma then has to face a future 
where taking over the Tendo dojo just isn't a possibility.  Anybody want 
this idea?

Back C&C: My many nits aside, it's obvious you put a lot of effort into 
this fic.  The strongest part of BT/PL probably lies in your 
descriptions.  Hey, it's pretty rare to find someone who can choreograph 
a decent fight sequence.  I hope to see more from you in the future.

Matthew Campbell 
E-mail me at mgcampb@clemson.edu