This is loosely based on Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne's recent 
crossover fighting tournament.  I started it a few months ago when I 
realized it was quite possible one of the Ranma 1/2 characters might 
actually win and claim the prize...




				REPLACEMENT GOD:  TYPE U
				By Scott K. Jamison
(Note:  The various anime characters were created by Japanese people, and no 
infringement is intended.)

			
	It must be admitted that Ranma Saotome is rather self-centered.  
Thus his first reaction to learning that Kasumi Tendou had left for 
several days to participate in a tournament was how it would affect him 
personally.
	"Aw man, that means Akane's gonna cook!"  It is sadly a testament 
to his poor upbringing that he did not even consider preemptively taking 
over kitchen duties himself. 
	His second thought, though, was "Gee, Kasumi never seemed like 
the competitive type before.  Hope she does well in the bake-off or 
whatever it is." 
	When Ranma learned that his old friend (and fiancee) Ukyou Kuonji 
had also gone off to the tournament, his first thought was "No 
okonomiyaki for the duration either.  Bummer."  Which was followed by, "I 
hope they both do okay.  I wouldn't want either Ucchan or Kasumi to 
lose." 
	It was the third disappearance that shook Ranma a bit.  "Kunou?  
Since when does *he* cook?" Now he found out it was a *fighting* 
tournament.  "B-But I'm the best martial artist in Nerima!  I always get 
invited to these things!  Kasumi doesn't even fight!"  He began worrying 
about the gentle girl, and not entirely for fear of losing her cooking.  
	After several days had passed, something...odd...happened.  It 
was as though a fundamental law of the universe had been altered.  
Everyone felt it, but no one could put their finger on what exactly had 
occurred.  Ranma in particular had a peculiar feeling this change was 
going to impact his life.
	The next morning, Kasumi appeared at the gates of the dojo, a 
quiet smile on her face.  Everyone gathered around her, showing their 
happiness at her return.  Even though Akane's food hadn't been as bad as 
in the past, it still wasn't anything Ranma wanted to eat on a regular 
basis. 
	"So, what kind of tournament was it?  Were there any good 
fighters?  Why'd they invite you?"
	"Ara, Ranma, one question at a time!  Kami-sama retired, and the 
winner of the tournament is the new Kami-sama."
	Everyone froze, silent.  It sounded too absurd to be true, but 
this was Kasumi telling them.  And Kasumi never lied.  Sure, sometimes 
she downplayed the bad side of things to the point of ignoring them, but 
she never lied.  So there was a new Kami-sama, and that had to be 
accepted. 
	"Umm...so who won?"
	"Why your friend Ukyou, Ranma.  Oh my, I have to make lunch, she 
said she'd drop by."  She was certainly taking this calmly. 
	Ucchan was...God...now?  Ranma felt his senses swirl in 
confusion.  Sure, she was a great person, but to become Kami-sama?  Well, 
at least now maybe he'd get a break from Fate finally.  After all, God 
was now his best friend.
	Nabiki rushed off to her room, muttering something about "getting 
in on the ground floor."  Akane seemed angry for some reason. 
	"Yo, what's wrong?"
	"It's just not fair!  Ukyou cooks better than I do, she can fight 
better, and now she gets to be God!  Though I suppose it could be worse, 
we could have gotten Kunou-sempai."  
	Ranma shuddered at the thought.  He decided he'd better put on a 
clean shirt.  Friend or no, when a god dropped by, you wanted to look 
your best.
	Everyone was dressed nicely for lunch, for a change.  Even Genma 
had put on a fresh gi.  They sat for a few minutes, waiting.
	"You're sure Ukyou said--"
	At that moment, a bright glow formed in the air by the table.  
Music began, unearthly choirs singing praise.  Ukyou appeared.  Her 
okonomiyaki seller's outfit was now pure white,  and her spatulas 
golden.  She shone with radiant light and all there were struck with 
awe.  
	"Uh-oh.  Better tone it down a bit."  Ukyou gestured, and the 
music cut off.  Her halo went down to a soft glow, and everyone relaxed a 
bit. 
	"Uh, hi, Ukyou-sama." 
	"You can still call me Ucchan, Ranchan!"
	"Okay, Ucchan-sama."  She frowned at him before she realized that 
had been a joke.
	"So, Ukyou, what does it feel like to be a god?" asked Nabiki.
	"Pretty weird.  It's going to take me a while to get used to 
being omnipotent."
	"So, you're going to be living in Heaven?" suggested Akane.
	"Yep!  Which brings me to why I'm here.  Genma Saotome."
	"Y-yes?"
	"You have stolen from and dishonored my family and caused me great 
emotional distress.  You have two choices."
	Genma was pouring sweat.
	"You can BURN IN HELL FOREVER, or you can honor my engagement to 
Ranma.  Well?"   The capital letters voice was new, as far as Ranma 
knew.  
	Genma prostrated himself before Ukyou.  "I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!  
Please have mercy!"
	Ranma slapped his forehead in disgust.  His father was soo 
spineless.  Wait a minute.
	"You mean, you still want to marry me?"
	"Sure, Ranchan.  After all, think of all I can offer you now."  
	Ranma's brain raced though some of the possibilities.  He was 
very tempted.  But...
	"But what about Akane?"  The girl sitting beside him choked back 
a gasp.
	"What about her?" replied Ukyou nonchalantly.
	"Well, there's still that family promise, and I l-- lu-- I don't 
want Akane to be dishonored!"
	"Oh, I'm sure something can be arranged."
	Akane flared up.  "Ukyou!  I don't care if you are God now!  You 
have no right to barge in and take Ranma--bwee!  Bwee!"
	Before everyone's eyes, Akane had transformed into a cute pink 
piglet with a white silk ribbon around its neck.
	"I trust there will be no further objections?" said Ukyou in a 
rather cold voice.
	"Akane!  Are you okay?"  Ranma picked her up.  She stared back 
with a mute and uncomprehending gaze.
	"Speak to me, Akane!"
	"Bwee," Akane replied, then wriggled out of his grasp.  She 
trotted over to Ranma's rice bowl, stuck her snout in and began eating 
with contented grunts.  Souun fainted.
	"Ukyou!  How could you!"
	"I'm God now.  I can do whatever I want.  I *was* going to fix 
Akane up with Ryouga, but if she's going to be a pig about it, then she 
can have P-chan as a mate instead."
	Ranma was severely taken aback.  The power rush seemed to have 
brought out Ukyou's vindictive side.  
	"Um, Ucchan...P-chan's not gonna be too happy about this."
	"Why wouldn't he be?"
	"You're God, you figure it out."
	Ukyou frowned, then clutched her head.  "Wow!  That omniscience 
stuff is powerful!  So, that jackass is really..."
	"Yep."
	"Okay, we'll have to find another way to make everyone happy..." 
	Ukyou gestured, and Akane found herself on all fours on the 
table, face down in a rice bowl.  She quickly scrambled off, face 
burning, and hid behind Ranma.  No one cared to remark on the cute curled 
tail poking out of a slit in her skirt.
	"Now, where were we?  Oh yeah, our engagement!"  Ukyou beamed 
again, an effect much enhanced by her glow.
	"Ucchan, I d--"  Ranma was saved by one of the walls collapsing.  
The person responsible was Shampoo, which came as a surprise to 
absolutely no one.  She was carrying a takeout box.
	"Nihao!  Shampoo bring Ranma tasty meal, save him from violent 
girl's cooking!"
	As Akane's temper started flaring again, Ranma raised his eyes to 
the ceiling, and moaned, "Kami-sama, why me?"
	"I'm over here, Ranchan," reminded Ukyou.
	"Why Spatula Girl dress in all white and glowing?  Chemical 
accident?" 
	"I'm God, now, Shampoo.  Oh, by the way, I'm taking Ranma with 
me." 
	"You God?  No wonder TV man say science men now know okonomiyaki 
cure cancer!  But even if Spatula Girl Divine Empress, no mean she can 
take Shampoo's husband!"
	"Uh, Shampoo, I wouldn't get her angry at you..." cautioned 
Ranma.  
	"Shampoo married to Ranma by Amazon law!  No can be parted!"
	Ukyou frowned at Shampoo, and Genma hid behind the still-stunned 
Souun.  "That stupid Amazon law only applies in your home village, 
Shampoo.  And if you don't back off *right now*, Joketsuzoku WILL GO THE 
WAY OF SODOM AND GOMMORRAH and the Amazon laws won't apply *anywhere*.  
Do I make myself perfectly clear?"
	"Shampoo no believe in you.  Spatula Girl use cheap tricks to 
make herself look like God."
	"Oooh, this is going to be good," teased Nabiki as she readied 
her camera.
	"Shampoo!" came a sudden cry as a white blur came into the room 
and glomped Ukyou.
	"Mousse, you blind halfwit!  I'm not Shampoo!"  There was a 
definite scent of ozone in the air.
	"You're not?"  Mousse looked around, squinting in a effort to 
locate his real target.
	"Oh, what the heck, why not?" asked Ukyou of no one in 
particular.  She touched Mousse's eyes.
	"Ow!  That stung!  I...I can see!"  Mousse tossed his glasses 
away.  "At last, Shampoo, I can find you!"  He rushed towards his 
obsession, who cold-cocked him.
	"Ukyou really cure blind idiot?"
	"Yep!"
	"Ah...can maybe also get him a spine?"
	"I'll consider it.  But for now, back off of Ranma if you know 
what's good for you."
	Shampoo moved an inch further away from Ranma.  Ukyou apparently 
decided to settle for that.
	"So, as I was saying..." she paused.  Nothing happened.  "Odd, I 
wonder where Kodachi is...Oh."  Ukyou smiled.  "Boy, is *she* missing 
out.  Anyhow, Ranma, now we can finally get married."
	"I-i really dunno if that's the right thing..."
	"Why not?  Ranchan, I can cure you!  I can give you more power 
than you've ever dreamed of!  I'll be the best possible wife ever!"
	Cured?  Ranma wanted that so much, he could taste it.  But still, 
somehow he couldn't bring himself to accept.  He cast a despairing look 
around the table.  His father was still cowering behind Souun's propped 
up form.  It looked like the Elder Tendou was coming to.  Nabiki had a 
pile of proposals for "First Church of Ukyou" businesses.  Akane was 
looking back at him with a very strange look on her face, and Kasumi was 
just smiling.  Shampoo was hefting her bonbori, apparently weighing 
whether she could knock Ukyou out before being turned into a pillar of 
salt, and Mousse was still imbedded in the wall.
	"But there's so many things I gotta resolve..." he lamely 
started. 
	"I'm God now, it can be fixed!" Ukyou cheerily replied. 
	"Ranma."  Everyone turned to look at Kasumi.  "Tell Ukyou the 
truth.  It's not nice to fool with Kami-sama."
	Ranma gulped.  He'd have to tell her, wouldn't he?  He hadn't 
wanted to, especially not in front of everyone, but he didn't have a 
choice. 
	"Ucchan...Ukyou-sama...I l-lu--IloveAkane!"
	The sky outside turned black.
	Souun woke the rest of the way up and embraced Genma.  "At last 
our families will be combined!"  The two old friends started dancing.
	Nabiki handed Kasumi a Y1000 bill.  Shampoo looked as if she were 
about to cry.
	"You baka!  Why didn't you ever say anything!?  Here I thought 
I was in love with a jerk who would never love me back and--"  Akane 
paled, realizing what she'd just said.
	The house began to shake.  Ukyou's glow increased, though there 
was an unsettling reddish tinge to the halo now.
	"How can you love her?  She's awful for you!  I'm the one who 
really loves you!  Haven't I shown that over and over?  YOU WILL MARRY 
ME!!"   Gale-force winds picked up outside.
	"I'm sorry, Ucchan, I didn't want to hurt you, but--"
	"SILENCE!  You *dare* love another?  I'll *make* you love me!"  
Ukyou stretched out a hand, electricity crackling along the length of her 
arm.  Then, suddenly, it died away.  "No.  If I take away your free will, 
use you as a puppet, that's not really love.  Damn."
	Akane stood up.  "Ukyou, you've got so much now.  You don't need 
Ranma any more."
	"Yes, I do!  I know, I'll change things so he took me with him in 
the first place.  That way--"  She broke off as she listened to 
something.  "Whaddya mean 'it's a bad idea'?  I can do it, can't I?"
	After another brief silence, her shoulders slumped and her halo 
dimmed.  "No, I suppose that would be a bad thing.  If only there was 
more than one Ranma...that works!"
	Ukyou drew herself up to her full height, glowed white and 
gestured.  Ranma suddenly found himself seated next to--himself!?
	"Hi, Ranchan."
	The new Ranma smiled and waved.  "Hiya Ucchan.  What's going 
on?"  
	"Oh, I'm God now, and I want us to keep the marriage promise our 
fathers made."
	"Uh, I suppose, if you want."  Everyone facefaulted.  "Hey, who 
are all these people?"
	"Nobody you need to be concerned with, honey.  Why don't you go 
up to Heaven while I wrap things up here?"  Ukyou waved, and the other 
Ranma vanished.
	"What the heck is going on here?" asked Akane.
	"Oh, I made a clone of Ranma, but left out all memories of your 
family and Shampoo.  I figure if the only other girl he remembers is 
Kodachi, I'm a shoo-in."
	"Hey!  What about Shampoo?!  She want Ranma too!"
	"Well, hon, if you pray really hard and follow my commandments, 
once I decide what they are, I *might* consider helping you out.  Oh, and 
Nabiki, I'll get back to you on those proposals.  I like the one where 
Ucchan's is an all-you-can-eat cathedral."
	"Bye everyone!"  Ukyou ascended through the ceiling as choirs of 
angels sung her praises.
	"Well, son, I think it's time we started planning the wedding, 
don't you?"
	"Hey, Mr. Tendou, I said *love* Akane, I'm still working on that 
other part."
	There was a commotion from the entryway, and Kunou entered, 
bearing roses.
	"I have returned from the heavens, victoriousin defeat, seeking 
the lovely pigtailed girl!"
	"Which one, Ranma or Akane?" smirked Nabiki.
	"Oneesan!  How could you!"


				THE END

	I seem to write an awful lot of stuff about ukyou, considering... 


SKJAM!