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----- THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM -----
----- WE ARE PREEMPTING THE X-FILES TO BRING YOU THIS! -----
------ FANFIC SICKNESS WARNING!  BROADCAST FOLLOWS... ------
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"Ranma... I... I..."

"What is it, Akane?"  Ranma stuttered in the darkness of 
Akane's bedroom.

"I... I love you, Ranma.  I always have.  I... I never... 
could say it..."

Something in Ranma melted, and it was nowhere near his 
pants.  He stumbled closer, wishing to deny, wishing to 
confirm... well, just wishing he knew what to do next.

"No, Ranma, wait!"

Ukyo stood silhouetted in the doorway.

"You can't love her, too, Ranma!  You're engaged to me..."  
She stopped at the sight of them in the dark, so close.  
"No!"  She slid to her knees in despair.

"Ucchan..."

She pulled herself up, and looked Ranma in the eyes.  "I- 
I can't go home.  I promised Dad and Mom and all those 
girls at home that kept teasing me..."  She dragged her 
feet, hands touching his strong arms.  "You can't *not* 
love me..."

"Ucchan."  Ranma took her shoulders in his hands.

He fell for it, she thought.

>From the cabinet, Shampoo crashed into the scene.  "Ai 
ren!"  She jumped to him, pulling him fully (but not 
roughly) to the floor.

"Ranma be very happy with Shampoo, if Ranma say he love 
Shampoo."

>From his vantage point, Ranma struggled to give word to 
Akane and Ukyo that this wasn't his idea.  "Shampoo," he 
started.

Shampoo tugged the clasps to the top of her cheongsam open, 
making herself more accesible to Ranma.  "Very happy," she 
purred.

A strong gust of wind, the breaking of glass, and a sea of 
black petals flooded the room.  A lilting maniacal laugh 
echoed.  "Ranma darling!"

"Kodachi!"  Akane and Ukyo shouted, then ducked.

With a gymnastic ribbon, The Black Rose pulled Shampoo off 
of Ranma, and she took her place.  "Ranma darling, you 
shouldn't let these floorscrubbers and washmaidens dirty you
into their evil clutches.  You know that I will give you 
what they cannot:  that which you desire..."

"A bokken-wielding brother-in-law," Ukyo muttered, 
scrambling from the edge of the bed.

"Silence, wretch!"  A snap of her ribbon kept them at bay.
Kodachi licked her fingers, tracing her assets under the 
thin layer of cloth that was her leotard.

Ranma gulped.

A shadow fell on the two on the floor.  "Tut, tut, Saotome."

"You?"  Kodachi stopped, but did not get off of the victim.

Nabiki entered the room.  "Ranma, you know how Daddy hates 
it when you sneak girls into the house.  Especially in your
fiancee's room."

Thoughts of demon-headed Soun crossed the room in pairs.

She kneeled to Ranma on the floor.  "You'll have to pay big-
time for this one."

With Kodachi more or less stunned, Ranma was able to squeak,
"How much, Nabiki?  Plus helping me get these guys out."

In a sudden motion, Nabiki pulled Ranma out from under the 
Black Rose.  She pulled him down for a deep throaty kiss.

"That," she breathed, "and one for every night while you tuck
me in bed."  (Author's note:  see the euphemism?)

"HE *TUCKS* YOU IN BED?!"  (Author's note:  they did.)

"Nope," she replied.  "But he does now."

"But, Nabiki, Ranma is Akane's fiance."

Everybody made surprised poses as Kasumi tapped Nabiki on the 
shoulder.  "It isn't proper."

"But he was mine!  I was the one who liked boys, not Akane!
Oh, sure, he was half-girl, but no one told me he'd be this
easy to con!  He's got a cute butt!  He's been eyeing me, 
too, y'know?"

Akane flared to life.  "He what!?"

Kasumi noted, "you have been wearing those short shorts you've
been buying lately."

Nabiki blushed.

Shampoo made a face.  "My clothes show more."

Kasumi took the limp Ranma from Nabiki's torrid embrace.  
"Nabiki!  It's rude to presume!  Ranma has never shown his 
affection to you."

The other four gathered summed the same up for the others.

"On the other hand, Ranma has given subtle hints that he 
likes me."

Ranma joined the others.  "WHAT?!"

"That day the water pipe broke, on the stairs."  She sighed.
"If Daddy and Mr. Saotome didn't arrive, I wouldn't have
known what you'd have done."

Ten eyes bored Ranma's head.  "I don't remember this!"

"Here."  Kasumi turned on the TV and VHS she brought with 
her, and replayed the moment.  "Do you want us to re-
enact...?"  Ranma felt his arms being wrapped around 
Kasumi's shoulders.

"No," Kodachi calmly said, "that would be fine.  Obviously,
Akane Tendo's insanity runs in her family..."

"... never saw the resemblance," Ukyo quipped.

Grabbing Ranma, Kodachi paused, "... if we may leave..."

A katana stopped them.

"Just where are you taking my son?"

"Why," Kodachi glibly not-answered, "you must be Ranma 
dearest's mother."  She bowed, as demurely as possible in a
leotard.

Nodoka did not move the sword.  "I am.  And I haven't seen
my son in ten years."

Ranma's uber-shocked face looked placid in the moonlight to 
Nodoka's teary eyes.  "My son!  Too long, too long have I 
waited..."  Dropping the sword, she kissed his cheek.

The six teenaged girls bowed their head in respect and in a 
slight embarrassment as mother and son were reunited.  Akane
tried to breach the topic of the engagement, but saw that 
they were still in a tearful embrace.  Ukyo wanted to ask if
Nodoka knew about the yattai, but saw the hands behind Ranma
quiver with motherly delight.  Shampoo wondered what the 
proper introduction was.  Kodachi thought to wrest Ranma 
from her, but couldn't see how, in the vise-like grip Nodoka 
had.  Nabiki looked and shouted, "hey!  She's kissing him!"
Kasumi, of course, said nothing.

In mixed response, Akane hissed, "of course she is!"

Nabiki gave her a weird look.  "No.  She's *kissing* him."

Nodoka retracted her tongue before releasing Ranma's lips.
She paused for a breath, but the ground started to shake.

The wall facing the koi pond crumbled inward in a puff of 
smoke.  A resounding bellow followed, and Katsu-nishiki 
appeared.  A figure sailed in through the window, landing in
the room.

"I always wanted to try that."  Akari brushed off dust from
her dress.  "Ryoga taught me."  With that, she stalked over 
to the lump of Nodoka and Ranma, who got fallen on by a
bunch of hidden shinai that toppled in the rumbling.

Ukyo hefted her now-present Spatula.  "Hold it.  I thought
you were with Ryoga."

Akari waved it off.  "You can have him."  A predatorial grin
crossed her features.  "Ranma is so much more of a pig than
Ryoga.  So strong, so manly..."  She gave a very unsavory
leer to his pelvic area.  "I wonder if he's as twisted as a
pig..."

Akari took a step closer, then fell into a clump.  Behind 
her, Cologne stood on her staff.

"Great-grandmother!"  Shampoo smiled as she saw the odds 
fall her way.

"Hush, child!  It is now obvious that son-in-law does not 
want to marry you."  She ignored Shampoo's shocked look.  
"He has proven this time and again by resisting your 
advances."

"B-but, great-grand-"

"Hush!"  She hobbled over to the pile of bamboo swords.  "He 
has beaten me enough times to prove it."  A pause.  "By 
rights, he should be my husband twice over."

(Needless to say, everyone topples over in shock.)

"He has shown interest in me..."

Akane flared, moving from the background, "please!  That was 
the love pill!"

Cologne was beyond hearing.  "His words rang so true..."  
She fell into a heap.

Nabiki noted, "what is this?  'Fall like a marionette' 
time?"  She fell into a heap.

In the hallway, Miss Hinako pocketed her 50-yen coin.  She
fell to her knees.

"Please, Ranma."

Ranma was not moving.  Several tens of pounds of bamboo 
still buried him.

"Please, Ranma."

Ranma stirred.

"Please, Ranma!  Punish me!  I've been a bad girl!  Punish
me!"  She took out a pair of handcuffs, and locked her hands
behind her.  "Press my pressure points!"

"Go home," Ranma muttered.

Kneeling, and in her wedding gown, Kaori crawled in through 
the door.  "I can't, Ranma dearest.  The delivery box of my
heart is addressed to you."

"How lame," Asuka the White Lily said, daintily smelling a 
lily, sitting on the sill.  "You can't win a man's heart 
with lines like that.  'What winds blow through your 
pigtail's stolid countenance.'"

"Kawaii!"  Azusa jumped up and snagged the lily.  "Rachel!
Rachel!"  She sniffed it a bit, then noticed Ranma under the
shinai shrine.  "Rafael!  Mommy needs a sleeping partner!"

"As long as everyone's staking their claims on Ranma, we're 
in!"  Sayuri and Yuka stepped in, wearing their uniforms.

Akane took another look at the assembled female force.  
"WILL YOU PLEASE GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"

Someone tapped her from behind.

An old lady with a water bucket squinted.  "Am I too late,
young lady?"  She doddered the rest of the way in.

Everyone felt a draft as a shadowy figure floated just 
outside the window.  "Come to me, my love..."

>From under the sword-pile, Ranma levitated to a standing
position.  The ghost-female-Ranma smirked.

"Oh, no, you don't."  A hand slapped a spirit ward onto the 
phantom's head.  Ranma fell back on the pile of bamboo 
shafts.  "Ouch."

Off the roof jumped a tall-figure in robes.  The figure 
pulled back the hood to reveal a soft female face.  Beside
her jumped down a samurai woman with a severe look and a
scar on her right cheek.  A third woman, this one in geisha
garb, was strumming a mandolin.

Nabiki was just getting up.  "Who the hell are you?"

The central figure spoke, "we are Ranma's past lives.  We
want him, too."

Ukyo rubbed her head.  "Great.  Fine.  Whoever.  This can't
get any worse."

"Actually," weakly voiced Cologne, "with the news I had just
received, it just might."

That's when the rest of the female populace of the Chinese
Amazon tribe crashed into Akane's room.

----- Epilogue -----

"Ladies, your attention, please!"  Nabiki started only when 
everyone had stopped talking, bickering, throttling and not
paying attention.  "Thank you.  We have reached a decision."

Everybody held their breath.

"Ranma," she indicated the male tied up at back, "is public
property."

The hubbub grew, then dissolved.  "Who gets him first?"

"The schedule will be posted."

"And what will everyone else be doing?"  the suitor closest
to her, Kodachi, asked.

"Twiddle your thumbs."  She started handing out the shinais.

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----- THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM -----
----- WE RETURN YOU NOW TO THE X-FILES. BROADCAST ENDS.-----
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"... and just who, Mulder, do you think did it?"

Mulder looked grim.  "No doubt.  Switch did."

Nikholas F. Toledo Zu @ http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/3145/mezza9.html
Vector, Switch, Yebah, Rain Man, goo, Pervert, Scruples, Hollie, NomaD,
Blitz, Gee, Datzo, Jewel, Elf, Radler, Pinball, Mayhem
Fanfiction @ http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/3145/fanfics.html
Warp Zone @ http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/3145/thirteen.html
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The logo of the Church of All Worlds is nine concentric circles.
Word from the Laity:  Wipe yer feet!  Bloody 'ell...
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Gallery/3145/index.html
Currently under construction... confessional at the links.
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