-==-

[The scene opens with the sight of a small building with an
 open front.  It sits beside the path in the middle of a
 small clearing.  A small sign reads: 'Okonomiyaki.'  A
 worker minds the grill, his dark hair tied back with a
 bandana.  He completely ignores Ranma, Hiroshi, and Daisuke
 as they enter the scene, Hiroshi and Daisuke sparring as
 usual.]

Ranma: Alright, lunch break.  Yo!  Waiter!  Pork okonomiyaki,
       please.

[Ranma sits on one of the stools in front of the open side
 of the stand.  Hiroshi and Daisuke take seats farther
 down.]

Worker (without turning): We don't serve that here.

Ranma: Oh.  I'm sorry.  Bacon okonomiyaki then.

Worker(violently): We don't serve any pig products!

Ranma: What?

Worker: Bacon, ham, pork.  We don't serve 'em.

Ranma: Sorry.  You have something against eating pig?

Worker[spinning around, yelling]: Do I look like a cannibal?

[The worker is revealed to be, for those of you who haven't
 already guessed, Ryouga.  Ranma blinks under the assault.]

Ranma: I didn't know you were against eating pigs.

Ryouga: Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?

Ranma: Look, I said I was sorry, but pork and bacon are
       perfectly...

Ryouga: Look, who do you think you are anyway, Mr. High and
        Mighty?

Ranma: Well, I AM the best martial artist in Japan.

Ryouga: Oh, best martial artist in Japan are you?  And how'd
        you get that?  By stealing the bread of the common
        masses and running away.  If there's ever going to
        be an agreement on -

[Ukyou (before she was revealed to be a she) walks in from
 the back room to the serving area of the stall.]

Ukyou: Ryouga, are you bothering the customers again?
       [Ukyou smiles at Ranma.] How'd ya do?

Ranma: Hello there.  I was just trying to order some pork
       okonomiyaki -

Ukyou[with a look of horror]: Pork?

Ranma: Yes, pork okonomiyaki.

Ukyou: We don't serve that here.

Ranma: That's what I was saying.  I found it odd that you
       didn't.

Ukyou: I wouldn't consider it odd.  I mean it's just an
       exclusion.

Ryouga: Oh, give up.  The cannibalism shall continue -

Ukyou: There you go, bringing cannibalism into again.

Ryouga: But that's what it's all about!  If only people
        would stop eating the flesh -

Ranma: I've had it.  I want to speak with the manager.

Ukyou: We don't have a manager.

Ranma: Then who's in charge?

Ukyou: No-one really.

Ranma: Nani...

Ryouga: We run this stand together.  We take turns
        operating the counter...

Ranma: Oh.

Ryouga: ...doing the books, minding the grill...

Ranma: I get it.

Ryouga: ...acting as a bouncer...

Ranma: I said I _get_ it!

Ryouga: ...and cleaning up before we close down -

[Ranma shakes he head.]

Ranma: Look.  I can't shake the feeling I know you from
       somewhere...

Ukyou: Took ya that long Ranma?  Boy are you dense.

[Ranma ponders for a moment.]

Ranma: I think I've got it!  Ukyou and Ryouga!  Man, it's
       been a long time.

Ukyou: _I_ recognized you right off.

Ranma: You were always more observant than me.

Ukyou: You left me and my father penniless, stranded.  And
       you ran out on our engagement!  I was forced to live
       as a boy for years out of shame.  For this, you shall
       die!

Ryouga: And you ran out on our duel, forgoing your honour
        and then when I pursued, oh the horror of it all!
        Soatome, this is all your fault!  DIE!!!

[The normal Ranma 1/2 brawl breaks out.  From behind the
 camera, yells of 'Cut!, Cut!' are heard.]

Voice: There's a big fight scene up next!  Oh, what's the
       use...

[The camera fades to black as a rip is heard of clothing
 tearing.]

Ukyou: Help, help!  I'm being undressed!

Voice: Sigh.  I'm going to get it for that line.

                            -==-

[We fade to Ranma, Hiroshi and Daisuke sparring through the
 woods.  Ranma holds up a hand, and the two pause, but the
 sounds of a fight continue.  The threesome stop in a
 clearing, staring at something off-screen.  The camera
 swings around to show two samurai, one with green armour
 and one in black, fighting in front of a wooden foot
 bridge.  Unfortunately, the front of the helmet hides
 their faces.  Ranma nods approvingly.]

Black Ronin: You cur!  Dare you face the wrath of the
             mighty Black Ronin?  The most feared
             samurai in the land, holy thunder of Kami?

[The Green Ronin charges in with a mallet. The Black Ronin
 side-steps and knocks the mallet out of his hands with his
 bokken.  Ranma begins to smile.]

Black Ronin: Run while you have the chance, for I the
             Black Ronin, shall carve you into the
             smallest -

[The Green Knight pulls out a piece of paper that is the
 size and shape of a man, writes the words 'Shut Up' on it
 and tries to put it on the Black Ronin's back.  The Black
 Ronin shreds the paper easily with his bokken.  Ranma
 smiles even wider.]

Black Ronin: - of pieces.  So die, knowing that you are sent
             to heaven by way of your better!
             TSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKI!*

(*Tsuki means strike in Japanese.)

[The camera shifts to show Ranma, Hiroshi, and Daisuke
 watching on.  The threesxome wince as four almighty clangs
 are heard. The camera shifts to show the Black Ronin
 standing triumphantly over the fallen body of the Green
 Ronin. He raises his sword high as thunder crashes in the
 background and then sheaths it.]

Black Ronin: Once again, the Black Ronin emerges
             victorious by the will of Kami!  Surely am
             the greatest of all samurai!  I laugh in the
             face of those who oppose me.  Yet I have been
             charged as my sacred duty and I must attend to
             it.

[Ranma strides forward into the clearing, with Hiroshi and
 Daisuke following behind.]

Ranma: Hey, you're not bad.

Black Ronin: I am much more than 'not bad.'  I am the Black
             Ronin.  There is no other description.

Ranma: I am Ranma, King of the Cursed Folk.

Black Ronin: Ah, a king.  Although not mine.  The Black
             Ronin is the greatest samurai in all Japan,
             strong, brave, and pious, I have been blessed
             so that I am above all others!

Ranma: Oh, you're cursed alright, with stupidity.  But you
       are an excellent warrior.  I'm gathering the bravest
       and best cursed martial artists to join me in my Dojo
       at Nerima.

Black Ronin: Though your recognition of my abilities is
             quite correct, I am not at all stupid.  But for
             such glory, I would gladly lead such a unit
             into battle!

Ranma:  Sorry, I lead.  But you're good enough to get in.
        Will you join me?

Black Ronin: Nay, I would have to be the leader.  Therefore,
             I must decline.

Ranma: Well, if you're going to be stubborn, forget it.
       Hiroshi, Daisuke, let's go.

[As Ranma moves to cross the wooden bridge, the Ronin moves
 to block his way.]

Black Ronin: I have been charged with keeping of this
             bridge.  None shall pass while the Black Ronin
             guards.

Ranma: What?

Black Ronin: You may not pass.

Ranma: Ha!  What are you going to do about it?

Black Ronin: It is my sacred duty to hold this bridge, and
             those who wish to pass must prepare to face the
             fury of the Black Ronin!

Ranma: Aww, just get out of the way before I kick you into
       next week.

Black Ronin: You persist in this foolish endevour?  Such a
             fool could never be king.  For impersinating
             one, you must die, cur!

[Ranma motions Hiroshi and Daisuke back and eases into a
 defensive position.]

Ranma: Let's go.

[The Black Ronin unsheathes his sword and charges.]

Black Ronin: TSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKI!

[Ranma jumps high and lashes out with a kick.]

Ranma: Boot to the head!

[The camera cuts to Daisuke and Hiroshi, watching on.  They
 wince as an loud WHACK! is heard, followed by a thump.  The
 camera cuts to the Black Ronin, staggering back, with a
 large shoe print in his face.]

Ranma: Are you going to get out of the way now?

Black Ronin: It's nothing.

Ranma: Nothing?  There's a perfect imprint of my shoe on
       your face!  You can even read the shoe size!

Black Ronin: You lie.

Ranma: Daisuke?

[Daisuke glances at the Ronin's face.]

Daisuke: Nine and a half, sensei.

Ranma: Very good.

Black Ronin: I've had worse.

Ranma: Ya, right.

Black Ronin: The Black Ronin shall not be defeated!
             TSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKI!

[The Black Ronin charges again, his bokken thrusting forward.
 Ranma jumps high again and lands behind him.]

Ranma: TENSHIN AMAGURI-KEN!

[Ranma punches the Black Ronin a couple of hundred times,
 causing him to be forced back.  The Black Ronin wobbles for
 a moment, then falls on his face.]

Ranma: Feh.  Wimp.  I knew I could take him.

[The Black Ronin suddenly pops up to his feet again.]

Black Ronin: That didn't hurt.

Ranma: Nani?!?

[The Black Ronin stands and readies his attack again.]

Ranma: Oh, come on!  Won't you just give up?

Black Ronin: Do you yield?

Ranma: You idiot.  I'm obviously better than you.

Black Ronin: You lie.

Ranma: I'm not the one who's been down twice.

Black Ronin: Do you yield?

Ranma: Man, you must be some sort of machoistic idiot.

Black Ronin: Do you yield?

Ranma: Of course not.

Black Ronin: TSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKI!

Ranma: I'll knock you into last scene!

[Ranma ducks under the stabbing bokken and gathers his ki.]

Ranma: HIRYUU SHOUTEN-HA!!

[Ranma circles the Black Ronin rapidly as he focuses his ki,
 creating an inversion in temperature.  Daisuke and Hiroshi
 watch as he goes up, over and wince as a crash is heard.
 The Black Ronin lays on the opposite side of the field.
 Suddenly, he pops up again.]

Black Ronin: You'll pay for that.

Ranma: You have got to be kidding.

Black Ronin: Ready yourself.

Ranma: What are you going to do?  Attack me with your
       pointed stick again?

Black Ronin: I never lose!

Ranma: Oh, you've lost it, alright.

Black Ronin: The Black Ronin always triumphs.  Have at you!
             TSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKITSUKI!

[Ranma sidesteps and we cut to Hiroshi and Daisuke as they
 watch, wincing now and again, as assorted fighting sounds
 are heard.  We cut back to see Ranma standing above a hog-
 tied Black Ronin.]

Black Ronin: What sorcerous magic have you use to defeat me?

Ranma: Come on, you two.

[The threesome cross the bridge and head out down the path.]

Black Ronin: [struggling] Running away, coward?  Come back
             and face the fury of the Black Ronin!  I'll
             give you a beating you'll never forget!

                            -==-

Author's Note: Yeah, I know I said two and a half weeks ago
that I'd have it done in a week, but well, life happens.
Anyway, I need some names for a raving band of Otaku in the
next scene.  Therefore, a contest!

Yes, you can have your name immortalized (or go down in
imfamy, depending of the views of the reader).  All you have
to do is review this fic and make sure to send a copy to
furry@confused.student.harvard.edu, and answer one question
that proves you're suitable for the scene!

Any other C&C can be sent to the same address.  Thank you
for reading!