kleppe@execpc.com wrote:
Time for a brutal, no-holds-barred, scathing analysis in which I pick > out everything that's wrong with this story.
Uh...
Ah! There's a punctuation error. When you have the same speaker
speaking through two consecutive paragraphs, the first one doesn't get
a close quote, though the second one does get an open quote.
E.g.
"Blah blah," Akane said. "Blah blah blah.
"Furthermore," she continued, "blah blah and blah."
Nod. Will correct.
Other than that, it was excellent. Oh, and I am wondering how Ryoga
managed to cross an ocean without realizing it. Maybe...
Thank you. Basically, your idea (quoted below) was what I had in mind
for that... I just didn't think it would make enough material for a
scene. Besides, in the Viz-translated version of the manga Ryouga does
once get lost enough to land himself on Okinawa... I don't know if that
was in the original or a translator-inserted joke, though.
"This is a cargo freighter, son. We're headed for Shanghai. What're
you doing on board?"
"Leave me alone, I'm depressed. Oh, Akane...."
Very Ryouga.
Gary
Thanks for the comments!