Hmmmmm, Halloween vengance eh? Okay, we can do that, and won't take any
more then to snag a blast from the past. It's almost more of an Omake
then anything else, but vengance is served with a side order of fava
beans, and it's even IC for Halloween. Enjoy...


Disclaimer- Apologies to Kun-chan and her Church of Ryouga, who really
do good work and to a particular high profile member of the Church of
Ucchan. If he or his friends take offense at this fic, I'll gladly
remove the offending passages! Special thanks to Rumiko Takahashi, Bela
Legoisi, and anyone else whose name I manage to mangle.


OtakuNXS presents....

	In The Mouth of Ryouga-ness

	"Hmmm, I thought this was the location for the Church of Ryouga." The
hack writer men called Keener checked his map. It had been several days
since he had set off in search of the fabled Church; they had not been
very fun. "Did I get lost again?"

	Suddenly, lightning crashes (no Live parody, I can't remember enough of
the song) and the intrepid author slowly turned around. A quaint
Byzantine chapel meet his eyes. Thunder rolling ominously in the
background as Kagoto wailed on the organ. 

	"Yeah cursed liver, from the depths of hell I smite the." Keener
ignored the literary pun and set himself to the task at hand. The author
shuddered involentarily,  noting that the only thing separating this
place from the chapel of "In the Mouth of Madness" was the absence of
bloodthirsty howls from rapid dobermans. 

	A sound came from the courtyard, echoing into the dark night, a sound
that penetrated deep into the depths of fear locked in every man's soul,
the sound of multiple, bloodthirsty "Bweeeeeeeee!"

	Turning in confusion, he had never heard bloodthirsty "Bweeeeeeeing"
before, Keener was confronted by a pack of rabid little black piglets.
Something about their manner suggested that there was to be nothing
kawaii about what they intended. Maybe it was the glowing red eyes.

	Running for his life, the would-be Ryouga fan ran to the only form of
safety, the church. Flinging open the door, Keener slammed it on the
slavering hordes of pork gone bad. He backed away as the dark creatures
howled (Bweeeeeeed?) in frustration over his escape. Panting feverously,
he rested against a gigantic fleshy beanbag. 

	Wait a sec, a "fleshy" beanbag? Turning, he came faced to face to the
single largest sumo pig he had ever seen. Pigs, why'd it have to be
pigs?

	"Ah, good evening visitor." The sinister voice caused the mammoth pig
behind Keener to cringe slightly and move to the back. Curiosity tinged
with fear, the author studied the stranger.  

	Basically, he looked a lot like a certain lost boy in a tux, complete
with cape. Somwhere, a multi-verse away, a Tux On In employee handed a
tailored made suit to a nude man. The employee looks at the rose left in
payment and turns to his coworker. "Who was that masked man?" 

Back home at the ranch, Keener considered just what it was that put him
off the newcomer. Maybe it was the voice that caused him to shiver. Some
one had been playing around with their "Bill Ni, the Science Guy,
Combinative Gene Splicing Kit" and obviously had some strange ideas. Not
that mixing Bela Legousi and Ryouga was a bad idea, just a bit... off. 

Still, it was probably the highly pronounced fangs and glowing red eyes. 

	"Please," gesturing to the massive wooden door behind him the Chapels,
unholy host smiled pleasently, "enter freely and of your own vill." 
Remember folks, smile, it shows more teeth then frowns do.

	"I think I'll just take my chances with the hogs of hell, thanks."
Keener waved and turned to meet his fate. The stranger caught him by the
collar.

	"I said ENTER FREELY AND OF YOUR OWN VILL!" the angered sinister, yet
fashionably overdressed amalgalm threw the reluctant writer through the
door.

	He landed with a thump. Actually, he landed with a whoosh, crash,
smash, groan, thump, bounce, break, "My spine, where the hell did it
go?"…but you get the idea. The writer sighed and looked around. Someone
had paid Eisher and awful lot of money. There were stairs going in every
direction, some going overhead and upside down, some going into the
floor, and one set of stairs going absolutely no where, just for show. 

Roaming all this impossible angles were fic writers of every shape and
size. All were wearing yellow and black bandannas and carrying backpacks
with bamboo umbrellas strapped to the top. They wandered the impossible
lengths of the halls, wondering when the hurting would stop.

	"THIS is the Church of Ryouga?" he asked incredulously.

	"Of course not, this is the Dark and Lonely Place. The hell vhere
members of the Church go vhen punished. I haven't introduced myself,
have I? I am P-chan, Count P-chan" the stranger said with a sinister
gleam in his eyes.

	"Wait a sec, I just joined the church a few hours ago. How could I have
done something that wrong this soon?"

	"YOU VILL CAPAITALIZE VHEN SPEAKING OF THE CHURCH," the Count screamed
as the storm crashed and the sea's boiled (typical thought the lobsters)
"Ve know all about you and your evil."

	"Vhat, ahem, what are you talking about?" asked the author, visibly
shaken. He backed into the sumo pig. Smiling boorishly, the beast began
to strap a backpack onto Keener. Then with a grunt he began lugging
something massive from the back.
 
	"Heh, I assume you vere not the viter responsible for this?" Smirking,
the Count, pulled out a folder. "Hmmmmm, Suicide Blast? My my, I vonder
vhat's this is about?"

	All the pores on Keener's head opened at once and a huge sweat drop ran
down his back. So that's how they do that, thought the author. 

	"Now, vithout further ado, the tools of your suffering." With that
said, the sinister man motioned to the sumo pig. "First, the Heart of
Glass, vhich you must protect lest it shatter!" The pig strained under
the effort as he dropped a gigantic heart shaped boulder into the
author's backpack.

	"This thing's a hundred-fifty pounds of solid glass," gasped Keener,
"what the hell's going shatter this?"

	"It has a breaking point." the Count smiled. "Next the Umbrella of
Bamboo, to block Akane's tears over her mistreatment by Sata- errrrr
Saotome"

	Using both hands, the pig tossed the umbrella to Keener who promptly
went down under its weight. It hit the floor with a resounding clang.

	"Clang? Wait a sec, this things made of lead!"

	"Yes, vell along vith her tears come mallets, bamboo's just not good
enough protection. Now, mark his head with the six-hundred and sixty-six
bandannas."

	"Six-hundred and sixty-six?"

	"One for each of Saotome's crimes. Vould you rather be marked about the
hands instead, theirs a clause for that. Prevents us from getting sued
for vhiplash."

	"Look, this is stupid, I'll just take myself off your list and you
won't have to punish me. Oh, and can you show me the door, I'm kind of
lost." Keener says, in such a way to keep his speech from getting
wrinkly.

	"Vhat?"

	"Ironically."

	"Damn you and your obscure puns. You shall not escape your punish--STOP
THAT!" The vampiric clone was seething. "That's it, for vriting that
fic, for bad punage and for horrendous misuse of a psuedo-Transylvanian
accent, you vill DIE!"

	"I vill?"

	"Aaaaahhhh!!!" P-chan leaped at the hack writer with a gaping maw.

	"Maw, quit a gaping at those two city folks, we un's got us an exit to
find." said Paw.

	This time, it was Count P-chan's turn to "big sweat'. By the time he
recovered, Keener was gone. "Bad southern accents too? There is no place
for you amongst the living!"

	Meanwhile, Keener was desperately looking for a way out. 

	He opened a door, Shampoo's bike came straight for him, SLAM!

	He opened another door, the gentle wafting smell of "You WISH it was
SamoNela" ala Akane, SLAM!

He opens another door, small blue baby with elongated nose and huge
eyes, blink, blink, SLAM!

	He opens another door, Cologne in lingerie, SLAM! HAMMER! CHAIN!

	Damn, I knew that Lemon fic was going to come back to haunt me!
Finally, he came to a door clearly marked Egress. Gasping for breath and
giddy over his triumph, the author swung open the door and stepped
forward. If not for a frantic grab for the edge of the opening, he would
have fallen.  His fall taking him straight into a strangely familiar
pool of water, complete with training poles.

	"Heh, there's a fool born every minute!" Count P-chan laughed. 

	"Damn me and my P. T. Barnum fixation." Keener chastised himself as he
climbed up. "Is that what I think it is?"

	"Of course, vhere do you think ve got the guard piglets. It's amazing
vhat near starvation vill do to a normally harmless pet. You should see
them in the razor blades maze, not that you could, vhat vith the light
off and all."

	"Look, that fic was written in a serious point of view and totally in
character."

	"Oh, vhat I'm about to do vill be very serious and perfectly in
character." smiled the Count as he cracked his knuckles.

	"But, he's not dead yet. Not in the fic at least!"

	"And he never vill be." said the Count, eyes aglow and getting
brighter.

	"I promise I am not the man I was! I promise I shall keep what you have
shown me close in my heart. That I shall live in the past, present and
future and remember what the servant's of Ryouga have taught me! Please,
just tell me these things can yet be changed!"   

	"Heh, I'm scaring the Dickens out of you. There, a final pun before you
die!" The Count approached the helpless writer who defensively curled up
in a fetal position.

	"The world IS a dark and lonely place." whimpered Keener as he prepared
for massive hurting.

	"Be-beyond knowing, beyond care." finished the Count quietly. 

Keener looked up, wondering why he was still breathing. The Counts eyes
were filled with tears.

	"Per-perhaps, I can give you a chance.  I vas once like you, young,
eager and full of mischief. I could also pronounce the letter W. That
all changed when I naively wrote that Lemon, pairing Ranma-chan and
Ryouga. They wanted to castrate me. Then HE stepped forward. He had
blocked the horde with his arms spread in mercy and made his judgement. 
He had reasoned with them, you that is without sin, cast the first
stone. Of course Blade threw one, hurt like hell."

	"I-I just can't express my feelings." the hack stuttered.

	"I'll let that one go, too obscure a pun for me to kill you. Sigh, HE
was willing to forgive me, so shall I forgive you. You did do fine by
Ukyo; perhaps you can do as well with our Lord. I shall show you the way
out." The Count gestured and they were suddenly at the front door.

	"Thanks. I'll come back if I finish the fic with a happy ending."

	"Please do. Simply utter Ryouga's secret name, I Am That I Am Lost. We
shall come to you." smiled the, Hey I'm Not Such A Bad Guy Just Had a
Tough Life, Count.

	"I will remember. By the way, your pronouncing your W's." Keener smiled
as he walked out the door, straight into the pack of frenzied piglets.

	"It's a miracle!" cried the Count, almost drowning out the sounds of
horrible, viscous death with nasty, pointy teeth.

End