Well, now that I've finally got Part I of the sequel to this story 
ready... erm, it's been long enough that I figured some people might want 
to see it again. This version is cleaned up slightly from the version 
posted to RAAC, but is otherwise unchanged.

--------------------------------------------------------


Fog swirled through the gloomy back streets. In London, it'd be 
considered a pea-souper. Here... well, you could call it a miso-souper, 
except that miso soup has completely different cultural references, and, 
well... look, let's just say you could cut it with a spoon and leave it 
at that, OK?

A slight blue-haired woman knelt next to a prone figure, half-hidden in 
the fog. The streetlight glinted off her iridescent green jumpsuit as she 
shifted position, lifting her ear away from the figure's red silk shirt, 
looking up at her two companions. Sadly, she shook her head, sighing. 
"He's dead," she said quietly.

One of her companions -- a short, squat figure -- gave her a disgusted 
look. "Again? Dat's the third one this week!"

Demented Jayhawk Productions presents the Fanfic Investigation Team in...

A Pair of Jokers
- or -
Top Ranma

The squat figure's voice echoed through the alley. Whereas the first 
voice might remind one of Petula Clark crossed with a favorite librarian, 
*this* voice reminded one of a New York taxi driver. Or a dockworker from 
Liverpool. Or a young Jackie Gleason. Don't bother asking how he does it. 
Most of the time, he'll grin and say "Ain't life a bitch?" If the one 
asking is an attractive woman, he'll ask her if she wants to give him 
language lessons. Generally, ladies with even a trace of sentience will 
refuse. A few agree, out of pure-hearted altruism or a busybody 
meddlesomeness. They usually run away screaming within fifteen minutes.

(In fact, we may be doing the halfling a disservice. As he is a walking 
nest of cliches, he of course has a heart of gold. He's even been known 
to use it on occasion.)

Next to the halfling, a tall, elegantly dressed elf sighed. "Frito, is it 
perhaps within the realm of possibility that you might one day give up 
this habit of restating the obvious?" This figure's accent was not in 
question. British. Very, very British. Aristocratic, even. He could be a 
guest host on Masterpiece Theatre without anyone batting an eyebrow. One 
could almost imagine him wearing a monocle, except that he doesn't. Too 
affected, he says. That usually gets snickers from anyone who really 
knows him.

"Well, it may be obvious, Windir, but it's worth thinking about," the 
blue-haired young woman said, standing up and shaking the kinks out of 
her arms. "Three in one week is *not* normal. Even considering how busy 
he is, and how much work he gets, he still doesn't get killed more than 
once a month, on average. It's suspicious."

"Aw, come on, Lyra," Frito said. "Ya always think *everythin's* 
suspicious! All dat time ya spent as a commando is makin' ya paranoid or 
somethin'. He got killed ten times in a week an' a half, da last time we 
had a run of darkfics."

Lyra sighed in frustration, and shot a beseeching look heavenward. 
"Listen, Frito. For the last time, I was *not* a commando. I was a 
courier and advanced tactical specialist --"

"Same thing, ain't it?" Frito interrupted, leering at her.

With a muttered "Boot to the head!," Lyra knocked him down with a 
flashing kick. "Not really. And I am *not* paranoid," she added. "Who 
told you that?"

Windir hid a slight smile behind his hand, before clearing his throat and 
straightening his velvet smoking jacket. "Be that as it may... I believe 
she does have a point, Frito. The list is hardly inundated with 'fanfic 
noir' at  the moment, and three deaths in a week is not natural for a 
series that normally stays firmly within the bounds of romantic comedy." 
He gave Lyra a firm nod. "I believe this is indeed a situation worthy of 
investigation."

"Thank you kindly for your approval," Lyra muttered under her breath.

Frito looked skeptical. "Alright, where ya gonna start lookin'? Ya expect 
someone ta come up and say 'Oh, yeah, I'm da one who's been killin' 
Ranma?' Dream on."

Lyra turned on him. "So you just want to let this thing drop?" she asked 
in an outraged tone. "Someone's being killed here, even if it isn't 
permanent."

"Awww, Lyra." A small mound of dirt was piling up in front of Frito's 
toe, as he shuffled his feet in the gutter. Then he looked up into her 
eyes. "Alright, so we gotta do somethin'. What now?"

"To begin with, we should consider informing the local police, or at 
least the coroner's office. Lyra, do you still have the name of the 
gentleman you interviewed for that review a few months ago..."

     *     *     *     *     *     *

"So right now, what we got is nothin'?"

"I believe that was the essence of the corner's verdict, yes." Windir 
turned back to look at the police station, and stumbled on the steps; 
Lyra quickly caught his elbow, and kept him from falling.

"Death resulting from the shock trauma of multiple blunt impacts to the 
limbs and upper body," Lyra quoted. "That's a big help... he's a martial 
artist, for Pete's sake! He probably gets a dozen of those during a 
training session."

"Maybe, but we know it ain't someone with a raygun outa some sci-fi 
series," Frito replied.

Windir frowned. "Perhaps, but that is no reason to exclude the denizens 
of science fiction series. Martial arts are at least as prevalent there 
as they are in series such as Ranma 1/2."

"So it ain't gonna be easy. Ain't nothin' fun that's easy, ya know." 
Frito grinned at the others. "So let's go 'n have fun!"

They walked down the street together, Lyra smiling a bit, all three 
thinking silently. Then Lyra looked up at the sound of a familiar voice, 
raised in a balloon-seller's cry. "Kaede!"

A dark-haired girl with open, trusting eyes and a sweet face looked over 
at the three of them. "Lyra! Windir! Frito! How are you doing today?" She 
smiled and beckoned them over.

"Hey! If it ain't my favorite ninja!" Frito said cheerily as they walked 
over to her. "How's da big Anime Town treatin' ya?"

"Oh, I'm doing all right," Kaede said. "What's --"

Frito turned around to look at his companions. "Doin' all right, she 
says." He turned back around to face Kaede, hands on his hips and a 
concerned look on his face. "If dat's so, what'cha doin' out here sellin' 
balloons durin' a fog?"

Kaede shrugged, and smiled nervously. "Well, you take what jobs you can 
get."

"Uh-huh," Frito said skeptically.

"Really, Kaede, you do need to locate a better means of employment," 
Windir said soberly.

"But I --" Kaede tried to protest.

Lyra stepped in and shook her shoulder gently. "Hey, look! You can't keep 
supporting yourself day-to-day on little piddlybit jobs like this!" She 
shook her head in mock sadness. "That's no way to live."

"Well, there's not much call in fanfics for bit players from a couple of 
manga chapters," Kaede said, giving them a small, depreciating smile. 
"Even for Takahashi characters. And there never have been that many UY 
stories; not like our friends over at Furinkan."

"At least Viz is releasin' the graphic novel with your stuff in it," 
Frito said reassuringly. "Dat's gonna get ya some more notice."

Kaede looked hopeful for a moment, before shaking her head. "I hope so. 
Anyway, what *are* you folks doing? You never did tell me."

"We're hunting," Lyra said. "We found another dead Ranma a couple of 
hours ago; that's the third one this week. We're trying to find out why."

"That's a bad business to be mixed up in right now," Kaede said, shaking 
her head. "Word is that the last couple haven't been natural."

"Well, of *course* they ain't natural," Frito exploded. "He was *killed*, 
ya think *that's* --"

Kaede made frantic calm-down gestures with her hands. "No, no, that's not 
it. I mean it wasn't part of the author's plan."

Lyra blinked. "How'd you find that out?"

"One advantage of my situation," Kaede said, smiling demurely. "I see a 
lot of places... and hear a lot of things."

Windir looks thoughtful for a moment. "Perhaps you could set yourself up 
as an information broker? It might be a reasonable way to supplement your 
income."

"Maybe..." Kaede said, looking thoughtful in turn. 

There was a sudden clatter across the street, as a large easel fell over. 
A seven-foot-tall moose in a suit set it back up, then stood 
self-importantly in front of it. A short grey squirrel with a blue 
aviator's cap grabbed a pointer and started gesturing. "And now... with a 
bird's eye view, and a brain to match, here's *Mister Know-It All!*"

"What're they doing here?" Lyra asked.

"They're on a tourist's visa from ToonTown," Kaede replied. "Hoping to 
get a part in a new crossover 'fic, so I heard."

"Speakin' a ToonTown..." Frito looked around nervously, then sidled up to 
Kaede. "You heard anythin' about a Disney crackdown dis week?" he asked 
in a hissing whisper.

Kaede shook her head.

"Only a matter of time," Lyra said quietly. Windir nodded gravely in 
agreement.

They stood watching the street show for a moment, until a young boy ran 
up to Kaede and started clamoring for a balloon. "Well, it looks like 
I'll get at least one customer today," she said. "See you later!" She 
turned to her young customer, as the trio waved and moved on.

     *     *     *     *     *     *

"I do hope they may be able to provide some additional information for 
us," Windir said, as the trio came up to a storefront marked simply 
"Tuning and Enhancement."

Lyra nodded. "It's not in their usual beat, but they're plugged into the 
police network... so they may have heard something."

They entered the storefront, to find what looked like an automotive 
workshop. A serious-looking woman in her 20's, with long blue-black hair 
tied up in a rather sloppy braid, was sitting on the ground next to a 
half-disassembled mecha; her light-blue coveralls looked slightly 
stained, but otherwise meticulously neat. Her companion, a brown-haired 
woman of about the same age, groaned as the door jingled shut. "Oh, no!" 
she exclaimed. "If it isn't the Terrible Trio! Come here to bust down the 
place with another mob?" Her broad grin took the sting out of her words.

"Come on, Natsumi!" Frito said, laughing a little. "That ain't our fault! 
How was we supposed ta know the Moonies was holdin' a convention here 
when we did that review?"

"I admit being slightly puzzled as to your presence here," Windir 
interjected. "I was under the impression that Miyuki had opened this shop 
on her own."

The black-haired lady smiled slightly, lighting up her normally sober 
features. "That was my original plan, yes... but I really need someone 
here to test-drive them when they're done." There was a slight twinkle in 
her eyes. "Natsumi gives them a more thorough going-over than anyone else 
I know."

Frito leered at Natsumi. "Hey, babe, any time ya want ta give *me* a 
'thorough goin'-over,' I'd be happy ta contribute to the cause!"

Lyra frowned a little.

"I gave up the elite motorcycle patrol for Miyuki," Natsumi said, giving 
him an arch look and elbowing him in the ribs. Miyuki shook her head 
ruefully, a slight smile on her face. "You think I'd drop her for a 
little runt like you?"

"Aw, so *dat's* how it is!" Frito hooted. "And all dis time I thought it 
was Nakajima she had da hots for! Just wait'll I tell..."

"Look, could you stop it, please?" Lyra burst out. "I'm sorry, but I'm 
not in the mood for teasing today."

"What's wrong, Lyra?" Miyuki asked softly, looking up from the engine she 
was working on.

When Lyra didn't speak up, Windir answered. "We came upon another dead 
Ranma, earlier this morning." A slightly regretful look settled on his 
face. "I fear my compatriot is taking it rather harder than I'd imagined."

"What do *you* know about it?" Lyra demanded, turning on him with a fiery 
look. "How many dead bodies have *you* seen?" She looked down, and her 
voice dropped. "I've seen too many, and I want to keep any more from 
showing up."

The room fell silent for a moment. Then Windir patted her awkwardly on 
the shoulder, and Frito gave her a rough one-armed hug; Miyuki and 
Natsumi nodded solemnly. Then everyone started as a short alarm went off 
in the back room.

"Oh," Miyuki said, wiping her brow and trying a shaky laugh. "It's just 
the police scanner."

Natsumi nodded. "I'll go check it out, just in case it's anything 
important."

"Important?" Windir asked uncertainly.

"Yeah," Natsumi said, sighing as she got up. "It's not like they ever 
give us any kind of assignments, but at least we got a scanner as a... 
'professional courtesy.'" She nearly spat the last two words, and shook 
her head in disgust as she left the room.

"What was that all about?" Lyra wondered.

Miyuki sighed. "Well, you know what our series was like, right? No 
murders, no robberies or rape." A trace of bitterness entered her voice, 
as the scanner muttered in the background. "So they said we weren't 
'realistic' enough, that it was just some children's show."

"What they *said* is that we were just glorified meter-maids," Natsumi 
said angrily as she came back into the room. "And that since we weren't 
gloomy, or gritty, or depressing, or cynical, that we weren't 'real 
cops.' Bunch of ADP snobs..." she muttered, trailing off and looking 
away. She turned back to look straight into Lyra's eyes. "This one's for 
you, it looks like. They just found another dead Ranma over by the tower. 
And this time, there's no doubt." She paused for emphasis. "This one was 
murder."

     *     *     *     *     *     *

"No evidence of bruises, contusions, or other violence," the police 
lieutenant said, as they stood up from the body. "No signs of a struggle. 
Just the one slash to the throat." He looked to be a rather hard-bitten 
man -- Anime Town's police force sees quite a bit from day to day, and 
not a little of it unpleasant -- but now, even he seemed a bit 
uncomfortable. "It doesn't even look a cut, really... the edges are too 
ragged. Like something just ripped through his throat."

"Not natural, huh?" Frito asked.

"No way," the officer said, shaking his head tiredly. "No way in hell." 
He looked up at Windir with a suspicious frown. "Just what do you have 
going on with this, anyway?"

A frustrated sigh forced its way out of Windir's mouth. "As we stated 
when we arrived, we *did* discover the incident just prior to this one. 
We do have a certain proprietary interest in the case."

"Yeah, right," the lieutenant said, fatigue creeping into his voice. "Now 
if you could come up with a clue to how this was done, you might actually 
be useful."

Windir rubbed his chin. "Hmmm... Perhaps." He stood lost in thought for a 
moment, before making eye contact with Lyra. "Mishima?"

The lieutenant opened his mouth for a moment, before shutting it.

Lyra nodded. "Mishima. If Akiko doesn't recognize it, she's got someone 
who will."

"Mishima Heavy Industries? Are you guys crazy?" The lieutenant looked 
like someone who'd seen a Juysenkyo curse pop up in front of his nose. 
"They eat investigators for lunch, and don't even talk to me about 
reporters!" He shuddered. "And that nutball woman running the show... 
Brrr."

"Aw, don't worry 'bout it," Frito said, nearly knocking him over with a 
hearty slap. "We got an angle, see?"

"I'll bet," muttered the lieutenant. "Well, if we're gonna try it, we 
might as well get moving." 

The group started walking towards the 'business' district. Well, if you 
could call it that, really; as the home to organizations ranging from 
Masaki Tech to the Gokuraku Video Shop to Oni Foods to Morisato 
Motorsports, most of the town just called it 'the Zoo.' Except for Genom. 
No one really wants to think about Genom. Reduced in stature or not.

About five blocks from the Mishima headquarters, the sounds of laughter 
began to bubble through the streets. Tucked in to a small niche between 
office complexes, a small park offered busy workers the chance to relax a 
little during lunch, even play with their kids a little; several schools 
were located in the area, for corporate convenience.

(A first-time visitor might wonder why, in a town filled with martial 
artists, eccentric tenants in dilapidated apartment houses, cantankerous 
troubleshooters, racing stars, and idol singers, one would find Ma and Pa 
Corporation filled with faceless workers. It's simple, really. Even the 
series that don't feature major corporations need extras to fill in the 
background. Unfortunately for the extras, one still needs to eat here. So 
there's got to be 'real' jobs for all of them... If this doesn't make any 
sense to you, hush. Go rent a copy of BGC when you've got time, if you're 
one of the five anime fen who hasn't seen it, and get on with the story. 
^_^)

As they passed one of the park entrances, they heard a bright, cheerful 
voice pipe up: "Mama-san, please tell me again why I couldn't go with 
Ryunosuke?"

Windir held up a hand, and the group paused by the entrance. Frito took a 
look in; then snorted, chuckled, and said "I shoudda guessed." Even Lyra 
smiled a little. The lieutenant looked in, and shook his head in 
puzzlement. All he could see was a cute-looking high school girl, with 
long red hair; she was talking to a brown-haired woman in her 
mid-thirties, wearing a business suit.

"Um..." The woman looked a little uncomfortable. "It's supposed to be a 
place for kids to have fun with other kids their age, Nuku Nuku," she 
said. "If they had older kids around, it wouldn't be as much fun."

Nuku Nuku looked sad. "Oh. If it's more fun for him, I guess that's 
better." She gave the woman a pleading look. "But I'm so lonely! Why 
can't you send Eimi over to play again?"

Lyra took pity on the woman and stepped forward. "Well, I'm sure Mama-san 
has a lot of people that need to work with Eimi," she said. "Isn't that 
right, Akiko?" Akiko gave her a thankful look.

"Lyra!" Nuku Nuku said, a pleased smile lighting up her face. "Windir? 
FRITO!" She squealed with joy, jumped at Frito, and swung him around in 
an exuberant hello hug. 

"Er... Nuku Nuku?" Windir said hesitantly, tapping her on the shoulder.

"Uh-huh?"

A wry grin crossed Lyra's face. "You need to let go a little, dear. He 
can't breathe."

With an enquiring sound, Nuku Nuku looked down at Frito, who was 
beginning to turn blue. She gasped, and let go of him. He promptly fell 
in a heap on the ground. "Oh, no..." She put a hand to her mouth in 
dismay. "I'm sorry, Frito!"

"Hey, 's all right, Nuku Nuku," Frito said, gasping for breath. "Ain't 
nothin' wrong dat a tire pump an' an hour of massage therapy won't cure." 
At her worried look, he continued, his voice dropping into a normal 
register. "Look, I'm fine. Really."

"Oh." She looked relieved. "OK!" A smile burst across her face. "It's 
good to see you!"

"Likewise!" A calculating look flashed across his face. "Hey, 
Akiko-chan... ya mind if I take her off ta play for a bit?"

Akiko looked affronted by the honorific for a second, before sighing and 
smiling sheepishly. "Would you mind?"

"Nah, it'll be fun!" He chuckled, and leered at Nuku Nuku. "Wanna come 
play with me, little girl?" With another laugh, he ran for a fountain, 
Nuku Nuku bounding along behind him.

"Corrupting the innocent again," Windir said with a smile.

"Hmmmm." Akiko looked at Windir and Lyra with a matching smile; the 
lieutenant stood to one side, looking confused. "Thank you all, really. I 
never realized how much of a handful she was until I started taking care 
of her."

"How did she end up with you?" Lyra asked curiously.

"Well, Ryunosuke wanted to go to summer camp this year," Akiko said. "And 
Kyusaku had a week-long engineering conference to go to, so I offered to 
take care of Nuku Nuku while he was gone."

"You let Ryunosuke go to summer camp?" Lyra asked, looking skeptical.

Akiko blushed. "Well... you have to let go some time." She coughed 
embarrassedly. "Actually, Kyusaku argued with me until I gave in. And Ryu 
wanted to go so much..."

"Indeed?" Windir said, raising an eyebrow. Akiko blushed a little deeper.

Lyra poked him in the ribs, and he subsided. "I imagine so," she said 
sympathetically.

With a slight shake, Akiko pulled herself together. "So... what are you 
all up to *this* time?" She tapped her chin in mock thought. "I really 
don't have the petty cash to rebuild half of Nerima again, you know."

"You aren't still trying to pin *that* one on us, are you?" Lyra replied 
with a grin. "How were *we* supposed to know Rei would be back in town 
for that review? Nothing the author didn't deserve, either; putting Eimi 
and Ran together in a crossover has to be one of the crazier ideas 
anyone's come up with."

"Um, excuse me?" the lieutenant interjected sarcastically. "We *do* 
happen to be in the middle of an investigation. Do you suppose we could 
wrap up the Old Home Week and get on with it?"

In a nearly-convincing tone of consternation, Windir said, "Dear me! We 
have been remiss in our duties, I perceive." He smiled slightly. "Please 
allow us to rectify this with an introduction. Lieutenant McNichol, 
Mishima Akiko."

The lieutenant swayed slightly on his feet, looking poleaxed. 
"M-M-Mishima-sama!" He gulped. "My most humble and abject apologies, I 
had no idea --"

"Aw, don't let it bug ya," a dripping Frito said, coming up to the group, 
an artistically panting Nuku Nuku behind him. "She ain't one ta stand on 
formal stuff, much. 'Cept for that one poor sod..." He grinned nastily as 
he let the sentence trail off.

"What happened to him?" the lieutenant asked nervously, staring 
mesmerized at Frito. Lyra chuckled to herself a bit.

"Nothing," Akiko said, with a touch of annoyance. "Much," she added, with 
a secretive grin. "And you *still* haven't said what you're doing."

Windir quirked an eyebrow. "Attempting to find you, actually, if one 
might accept the incongruity of our meeting by happenstance," he said. In 
more-or-less one breath, yet. Amazing what one or two enunciation classes 
can do, is it not? "Of course, when you consider the nature of the city, 
it is, in fact, not at all out of the ordinary to 'run into,' as the 
vernacular might allow itself to be corrupted into saying, the person you 
were seeking in what might be an incredible coincidence in the soi-disant 
'real world.'"

With a sigh -- and a beseeching look heavenward -- Akiko asked "Why?"

"Why?" Windir looked surprised. "When one considers the primary activity 
in this city, to wit --"

Akiko sighed again, and clonked him on the shoulder. She folded her arms, 
and looked him right in the eyes. "I meant, 'Why were you looking for 
me?'" she said in long-suffering tones.

"We're trying to find out why so many dead Ranmas are turning up," Lyra 
explained. "After one was dumped nearly in our laps, well... I'm taking 
it kind of personally."

With a sniff, Akiko tossed her head. "*That* franchise?" she asked 
rhetorically. "I can't say I'm surprised someone's making a killing, the 
way they've taken over the business." Her eyes narrowed. "What do I have 
to do with it?"

The lieutenant pulled himself together. "Mishima-sama, the last one we 
found died from a very unusual wound. His throat was cut, almost 
ripped... but by something with a sharp edge, it looks like. A *very* 
sharp edge." He rubbed his throat unconsciously. "It looked like a weapon 
cut, but not like anything I've ever seen."

"And since Mishima Heavy Industries is one of the foremost weapons labs 
on the planet..." Akiko began.

"...we thought we'd see if you could identify it," Lyra finished for her. 
Akiko grimaced, then smiled ruefully.

"If you were not able to identify it yourself," Windir said, looking 
apologetic at the thought, "we felt you would undoubtedly have someone in 
your employ who would be able to perform that duty."

"Identify it myself?" Akiko clutched a hand to her breast in mock shock. 
"*Me*? You would expect *me* to dirty my hands like a common technician? 
Why, that's what I have slav... employees for!"

The lieutenant stared at her, looking slightly scandalized... until she 
broke down laughing, the trio following her an instant later.

"Ghu, dat was a good act!" Frito burst out, still laughing.

"I did use to be a real monster, didn't I?" Akiko said, winding down. 

"I'll plead the Fifth," Lyra responded with a grin. Akiko just shook her 
head. Nuku Nuku looked puzzled; the lieutenant looked like he wasn't 
trusting himself to say anything.

Akiko shook her head again, ruefully. "In any case, yes, I do have a 
person or two who might be able to help. Can you bring the body to the 
office? There's some equipment in our labs that might be of use."

     *     *     *     *     *     *

With a sigh, the technician pulled the eyepiece back towards him. "The 
trauma is fairly evident," he said, clicking his tongue. "You're right 
about it being done with a sharp edge -- the beginning of the incision 
shows as a cut, not a gouge, and the edges are clean."

"That's what I thought," the lieutenant said. "But how do you explain the 
ragged edges further along the incision?"

"Going fast, most likely," the tech replied. Lyra leaned forward in 
interest; Windir tried to look interested, but only looked puzzled, and 
Frito didn't even bother. "If the edge is pulled through the surface 
faster than it can cut, then it starts ripping, and you get this kind of 
torn edge."

"Maybe so," the lieutenant said dubiously, "but what could do *that*? 
I've never seen a knife rip like that, with that speed... and I've never 
seen a projectile weapon with an edge like that."

"Not sure," muttered the tech, absorbed in his instruments. One of the 
consoles started beeping. "Well, I'll be..."

Lyra cocked her head. "What?"

"I'm picking up traces of an ion drive exhaust," the tech said, shaking 
his head. "Which doesn't make sense; it's highly localized, not the kind 
of wash you'd get from a vehicle at all."

"Ion drive?" Frito's head snapped up.

"You're not thinking what I'm thinking --" Lyra began.

"Da Bloody Card?"

"The Bloody Card."

Frito sighed. "Da Dirty Pair."

"Lovely Angels," Lyra corrected absently.

"Whatever."

"Who?" Windir asked.

"You don't know who the Lovely Angels are?" Lyra asked. Windir shook his 
head. 

Frito snickered. "We din't come outa retirement 'til after people stopped 
writin' DP fics." He jerked a thumb at Windir. "And do ya think *he'd* 
ever look at somethin' called 'Dirty Pair' for himself, if he wasn't 
reviewin' a DP fic? Leastways, if someone'd catch him at it?"

"I think I see what you mean," Lyra said, shooting a sidelong grin at 
Windir. 

"If we have *quite* finished discussing my personal habits," Windir said 
frostily, "perhaps we could begin the exposition of who they actually 
are?"

"Exposition, he calls it," Frito teased.

"Well, we *are* reviewers," Lyra added with a grin. When Windir's face 
began noticeably reddening, she chuckled and started explaining. "The 
Lovely Angels are a pair of Trouble Consultants for the Worlds Welfare 
Works Association. Trouble Consultants are specialists in a particular 
area -- and the WWWA can cover just about every area you can think of --"

"'Cept some dat a few prudes don't like," Frito broke in, leering at Lyra.

"Boot to the Head!" Frito rose in an arc to the ceiling, made the 
predictable interception, and fell in a graceless plummet to the floor. 
"Like I was saying... the 3WA sends teams of Trouble Consultants out to 
planets having problems that the local authorities can't handle, from 
planetary drought to rampant AI's that start making sarcastic comments 
while taking over planetary computer networks. Kei and Yuri -- the Lovely 
Angels -- are a crime-fighting TC team."

"Hey, I remember them!" the lieutenant exclaimed. "Man, but it's been a 
while." He got a faraway look for a moment, smiling a little, before 
coming back to earth. "What have they been doing lately?"

"Moldering, mostly," Lyra replied sadly. "I don't think I've seen a DP 
fanfic in ages. Nobody's interested anymore."

"Boy, din't they use ta be hot, though!" Frito said. "Used ta be ya 
couldn't turn 'round without bumpin' into 'em, off doin' somethin' crazy 
for someone. Now..." He bowed his head.

"That's as may be," Windir said after a moment of silence, "but precisely 
how did they receive that unfortunate nom de guerre?"

"Um, well..." Lyra looked shifty for a moment. "They're very good at 
their job -- they're usually assigned to the worst cases, and they've 
always solved them. Unfortunately, they tend to be cursed with a lot 
of... collateral damage. Um. They'd get the hostage out, but the building 
would blow up behind them, or someone fires at them, misses, and hits 
something else. Stuff like that. Factories, research labs, large patches 
of innocent badlands..."

"Cities," Frito chimed in.

"Space stations."

"Planets..."

"Uh-huh. It isn't their fault, though. It really isn't." Lyra held up a 
hand to forestall protest. "Sometimes the scientific discovery they're 
protecting gets out of hand, sometimes their opponent sets a bomb they 
can't defuse in time... but it really isn't their fault. The 3WA Central 
Computer has cleared them of responsibility every time."

"Even so..." Windir looked thoughtful. "I rather doubt this reputation 
would endear them to the people they're sent to help."

Frito snorted. "Ya got that right."

"Undoubtedly, it is a matter that would try their patience, one must 
note."

"Yah, so?"

"And it would indeed be a heavy blow to *anyone* to lose a following such 
as you say they had, particularly a pair of proud ladies as you describe 
them."

The lieutenant was beginning to look rather like a spectator at a 
ping-pong match.

"I'm really not sure I see your point, Windir," Lyra said, with a 
concerned frown that belied her words.

"Someone in that position might do... much, might they not?"

Goaded, Frito shouted, "But it ain't no motive for murder!"

The word hung in the air for a moment.

"Did I ever mention the word?" Windir asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"You sure was hintin' it!"

"I don't... believe it," Lyra said slowly. "They're the 'good guys.' 
They've always tried to *help* people. I can't believe they'd kill 
someone deliberately, unless it was necessary to the mission."

"Perhaps," Windir replied. "As you say, you know them, and I do not. 
Nevertheless, I believe we need to interview them... if for no other 
reason but to see if anyone else might have access to this..." He pursed 
his lips in distaste. "...'Bloody Card,' or something similar."

Lyra nodded unhappily.

"Well, *I* happen to agree with the lady," the lieutenant said. "I can't 
see how they could be involved in this. And these people here..." He shot 
a look at the technician, who'd pulled back into his cubicle when the 
argument started. "...probably know a lot more about what might cause 
something like this. Heck, it probably wasn't a Bloody Card at all." He 
waved a hand dismissively. "You can go talk to them if you like, but I'm 
staying right here." 

With an unfelt sigh, the trio turned around and walked out of the lab. 
Windir was the first to speak. "Would that it were only so," he said 
softly, almost to himself. "Unfortunately, I fear it would go against all 
of the laws of dramatic coincidence."

Lyra quirked an eyebrow, then shrugged sadly. "Probably," she said, as 
they walked down the hallway to the lobby.

     *     *     *     *     *     *

They reached the house as the afternoon waned. Dead leaves, and the 
occasional scrap of paper, blew around the streets, past and through 
broken bottles and other debris. Windir fidgeted nervously, trying to 
look everywhere at once; Frito stalked down the street as well as a 
halfling *could* stalk, mouth pursed and face set in a determined 
expression. This was not a nice neighborhood.

"Damn," Frito muttered as they went up the sidewalk. "Ta think dat they 
would fall ta this." He shook his head sadly.

Lyra shook her head, but put a hand on his shoulder. "Nothing lasts 
forever," she said sadly, as she hit the door-chime.

A fiery young redhead answered the door -- well, not exactly. Redhead, 
unquestionably; her shock of short hair felt like it lighted the 
neighborhood for half a block around. Fiery, almost certainly; emotion 
danced in her brown eyes, never more than a heartbeat below the surface. 
But young... well, she moved with youthful vigor, her skin was clear and 
smooth, and no streaks of grey marbled the bright red... perhaps it was 
the attitude; she looked tired, as one worn down, not quite broken, by 
troubled times.

Frito and Lyra stood dumb for a moment; Windir looked puzzled. When none 
of them said anything for a moment, the redhead took the initiative. 
"What do *you* want?"

Lyra shook out of her paralysis. "Kei?" she asked uncertainly. At the 
other's nod, she continued, blurting her words out uncertainly. "You 
probably don't know us, and we're sorry to bother you -- but there's 
something we need you and your partner's help with. Can we come in?"

After a moment, Kei nodded, and gestured them inside.

     *     *     *     *     *     *

"So *that's* what's been happening," Yuri said. Physically, she seemed a 
little more worn than her companion; the lustrous black hair still fell 
halfway down her back, the muscles still flowed beneath her skin, but 
there were a few lines at the corners of her blue eyes, and those eyes 
were tired. "I'd wondered why we haven't seen any 'fics with Team Ranma 
in the last couple of weeks." She shook her head, and tossed her hair 
back over her shoulder. "I know it sounds petty, and I really do feel 
sorry for them as people... but I can't say I'm sorry for the break in 
stories. It gives some of the others a chance."

"And as for your own chances?" Windir asked with a raised eyebrow.

"We've pretty much given up on those," Yuri said softly. Kei nodded in 
bitter agreement. "We've had our moment in the spotlight, I suppose. We 
still get a job or two, from time to time." She smiled, and an impish 
look pushed out the weariness in her eyes. "Even one or two that don't 
involve opening shopping centers."

"Maybe..." Frito said tentatively. "Ya know, we got rumors flyin' round 
about ADV bringin' over DP Flash... Think dat would get ya somethin'?"

"Are you kidding?" Kei burst out laughing. "Have you *seen* the outfits 
and makeup we have to wear for that thing? Makes us look like a pair of 
wet-behind-the-ears teenagers!"

"As if you weren't before," Lyra said, trying and failing to hide a smile.

"Well, at least we looked like *professionals*, not --"

"Babes in bikinis?" Frito teased.

Windir reached out and restrained Kei before she could strike. "Please, 
allow me." He turned to Frito, who blanched and moved back with a 
muttered "Uh-oh." "Boot to the Head!" There was a tinkle as Frito sailed 
through the window; Windir turned back to Kei and Yuri, and bowed. "My 
apologies, dear ladies; I'm afraid my compatriot has a tendency to become 
'carried away,' as they say, and can go beyond the boundaries of good 
taste. Or even bad taste."

"We've heard worse, believe me," Yuri said ruefully. She shook her head, 
and dismissed the idea with a wave, as Frito climbed back in through the 
window. "So what about this Ranma situation brings you here?"

Lyra looked a little nervous. "Well... the last one we looked at had his 
throat cut by a sharp object, moving *very* fast. And the labs picked up 
traces of ion drive exhaust." She tensed, very slightly, in her seat. "It 
looked like it might have been done by the Bloody Card, or something like 
it."

Kei stormed out of her seat. "You're saying *we* had something to do with 
it?!?" she demanded.

"Wha?" Frito also jumped out of his seat, and started making hasty 
wave-off motions. "Nononono, nothin' like it! We ain't *never* believe 
ya'd do somethin' nasty like dat!"

Lyra also got up, with somewhat more effective calming motions. "No, 
really. I didn't think you'd do it... but we had to be sure." She paused. 
"We were also hoping you might know if there's anyone else out there 
using a Bloody Card; they're from your universe, after all."

Yuri smiled. "Well, there's that crazy pair from WPI, but I don't think 
they're who you're looking for. Other than them, and a few other fanfic 
authors... no, I don't think even Shasti used one."

"Yeah, she always went for hands-on violence," Kei said with a sour 
smile. "Anyway, that's about all we know, and it's about time to start 
supper here. If you don't mind?"

"No, of course not," Lyra said with a reassuring smile. "Take care, and 
hopefully we can meet on better terms."

Kei's return smile looked a lot more natural. "I know, and sorry I've 
been such a grouch." She shook her head. "It's been a bad day, and a bad 
couple of months; I've been snapping at everyone. See you later!" With a 
wave, she closed the door.

"Well?" Windir looked at the other two, with eyebrows raised enquiringly, 
as they walked back down the street.

"*I* sure ain't sayin' they did it," Frito said. 

Lyra nodded. "You'll notice they were surprised when we told them what 
was happening."

"And what of Yuri's statement that she was not sorry?"

"You'll have noticed that she said she was sorry for the people 
involved." A slight edge crept into her voice. "And her attitude sure 
wasn't that of a crusader out to win back their proper place."

"I know," Windir said softly, bowing his head. After a moment, he rubbed 
his forehead, and sighed. "Now, of course, we are faced with the task of 
moving onward. Would anyone, perhance, care to make some suggestions?"

"We could always go back an' talk ta Kaede," Frito said. "See if she's 
heard nothin' new."

"Tomorrow," Lyra said firmly. "We're tired, we haven't eaten since 
breakfast, and she's probably packing up for the night. Wherever she is."

     *     *     *     *     *     *

The next day dawned, bright and -- well, not quite early. Lyra was not at 
her best in the morning, and after one or two... ah, *incidents*, the 
others tended to follow her lead. Just call it bright at a reasonable 
hour in the morning. The sun was quite in its usual spirit, taking the 
edge off a cool autumn breeze. No fog, not now, at least.

Unfortunately, despite the promising weather, Kaede proved as hard to 
find as ever. Many streets and a notable bit of shoe leather later, they 
finally found her selling hot dogs from a cart in front of the bank. At 
least they looked like hot dogs...

"What *are* those things?" Lyra asked, controlling a queasy feeling.

"Hot dogs," Kaede replied, in an attempt at innocence that failed utterly.

"Yah, right," Frito snorted. "Pull da other one, it's got bottles on."

"Is that not supposed to be 'bells,' Frito?" Windir asked.

"You wear your drinkin' pants, an' I'll wear mine."

Kaede shook her head, smiling. "No, really," she said. "Look, see -- it 
says 'hot dogs' right on the label. From some place called C.M.O.T."

The trio of reviewers shared a look for a moment, before breaking out 
into snickers.

"Made a' 'genuine pig parts,' prob'ly," Frito said. "How many of da 
customers survived?"

"Most of them," Kaede said sheepishly. She looked down for a moment, 
before turning back to the trio. "I couldn't help it!" she protested. 
"It's what the owner gave me to sell!"

Lyra rolled her eyes, and patted Kaede on the shoulder. "I know, I know. 
Just teasing you a little." 

"In any event," Windir said, "did you, perchance, hear anything that 
might be of relevance to the matter upon which we are engaged?"

"Ya know, Windy, one a' these days, you're gonna run inta someone who 
ain't gonna understand ya, and then where're ya gonna be?"

Windir turned a remarkably well-copied raised eyebrow upon Frito. "Frito, 
you may rest assured that, should the unhappy day come to pass when one 
might speak the Queen's English without being understood, I shall depart 
this earthly sphere with great alacrity and very little in the way of 
regrets."

"Um... Windir?" Lyra asked hesitantly.

"Yes?" The eyebrow went up again.

"This is Anime Town. We're speaking Japanese."

"Oh." Wisely, Frito said nothing.

Kaede stepped in to break the following silence. "As for what you're 
looking for... um, no, I haven't heard anything... Or maybe I have." She 
rubbed her forehead for a moment. "You can guess that a lot of us are 
stirred up about this, and some of the authors, but some of the otaku --" 
She stopped, her attention caught by a flash of light from the roof 
across the... "DOWN!" she shouted, following her own advice, joined 
quickly by Lyra. A second later, a flat object screamed through the space 
between them, the shrill whine of an ion drive joined by the ripping 
squeal of tortured air.

"The Bloody Card!" Lyra exclaimed. She looked up, to see Windir and Frito 
still standing. "What are you -- get DOWN!" Kaede acted in the same 
instant, throwing herself at Windir and tumbling them both into Frito, 
bringing all three down in a tangle... one even the most ecchi would have 
to admit looked more like the aftermath of a bad game of Twister than a 
serious attempt at erotic mayhem. The Card shrilled overhead, passing 
through the spot Windir's head had occupied a moment before.

Denied of its target again, the Card swung 'round in a broad arc, then 
dived at Lyra, who scrambled back into a somersault. Its passage sent a 
chill gust down her tunic, a few inches away from the back of her neck. 
Not satisfied with this, it swung up into the air. It hung suspended for 
an instant, before shrieking through a sharp hairpin turn and diving at 
Lyra again; the pause gave her enough time to get off a couple of shots 
from the laser built into her left arm, but both sizzled past the Card, 
impacting with a shower of sparks against the side of the bank. She 
hurriedly rolled out of the way again.

Meanwhile, Kaede had managed to disentangle herself from the pile of 
bodies next to her cart. She pulled herself up the side, flipped open the 
lid, and started rummaging frantically in the storage area. Little wisps 
of condensation drifted out of the chilled compartment, before she 
finally pulled out a rounded, misshapen tube and ducked away an instant 
ahead of the rampaging Card. As it swung around for another pass, she 
tossed the sausage up into its path. The Card sliced right through it, 
without even seeming to notice... but its charge faltered a moment later, 
as the ion drive choked and sputtered. It clattered to the ground, 
looking remarkably innocent for a device that had nearly killed them.

"Whew," said Lyra, climbing to her feet and wiping her brow. "I thought 
those things looked toxic, but I didn't think they were *that* bad!"

"Yah... well, ya gotta admit..." Frito crawled out from under Windir, his 
clothing looking none the worse for the wear; it was already about as bad 
as it could get. "If anyone could make somethin' like dat, he's da one 
who could."

Windir, on the other hand, appeared to have come in a distant second in 
the encounter, and was examining his clothing as one searching for 
hazardous waste contamination. "Perhaps. One might question, however, the 
level of toxicity needed to halt such a device in that fashion." He 
looked questioningly at Kaede. "I was under the impression that most of 
your customers actually survived."

She blushed. "I had a bottle of cordial hidden underneath the buns." With 
a sigh, she looked down, and continued, "I was able to get to most of 
them in time."

"Paid for out of your own salary, no doubt," Lyra said with a sigh of her 
own, shaking her head. "Kaede, Kaede..."

"Speakin' a' salary," Frito piped up, "didn't ya used ta work as a 
bodyguard once in a while?"

"Well, yes," Kaede replied puzzledly.

"Good. What do we owes ya for this job?"

Kaede stared at him in shocked dismay; he grinned nastily back up at her. 
"Ya want we should go askin' around an' payin' ya double the goin' rate?"

"No!" she exclaimed vehemently. "You're my *friends*. I can't charge you 
for this!"

"Indeed, we are your friends," Windir said, moving up beside Frito. "As 
you are ours. And while 'we owe you our lives' is not only the 
commonplace thing to say in these circumstances, but indeed the cliched 
thing to say in these circumstances... it is none the less true for being 
cliche." He gave her a stern look. "While money is a horribly vulgar 
method of repayment for such a noble act, it is, notwithstanding, a 
remarkably practical method, with many useful concomitants. Particularly 
for one in your situation."

Lyra joined the rest, completing a circle around Kaede. "We know you can 
use the money," she said, sweeping her arm around in a gesture that 
included the cart and the streets around them. "And it's something we can 
do to help you. As your friends."

"And what about you?" Kaede asked quietly. "The last I heard, you weren't 
in terribly good shape yourself."

Frito shrugged innocently. "We just got da checks in for a couple'a the 
freelance reviews we turned in, so we ain't hurtin' now." He grinned. 
"How else was we gonna spend it?"

"And if you decide to make an issue out of it..." The determined glint in 
Lyra's eye mutated into a mischievous twinkle. "We're the nastiest, most 
stubborn bunch of goofs around here, and we'll make your life a living 
hell until you give in."

With an exasperated exclamation, Kaede threw up her hands. "All right, 
all right! You win." She grinned. "Damn you." She looked as if she were 
about to say something more, but paled slightly as the sound of dozens of 
rapidly tramping feet started echoing up the street. Making a shushing 
gesture, she ducked behind her cart and went still.

Before Windir had a chance to do more than raise an eyebrow, a troop of 
short, white-clad figures stormed by, brandishing weapons, heads wrapped 
until they looked like giant ping-pong balls. Kaede held very still as 
they went by, then stood up with a puff of relief as they faded away down 
the street.

Lyra shook her head as she looked after them. "Are they *still* following 
you? How long has it been?"

"Too long, really --"

"Yah, like it ain't *always* too long." Frito tsk'ed, and met her eyes. 
"Sheesh, Kaede, you been workin' with too many bad writers."

"But... well, I haven't been working with many writers at all." Kaede 
shook her head. "Good or bad."

"I would suspect it is merely the atmosphere," Windir said. "Even if 
one's work does not involve direct sessions with the... ahem... 
soi-disant *writers* that form the majority of the 'creative' class in 
this fair world, some degree of contamination is not merely unavoidable, 
but inevitable."

Lyra rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Look, are we going to do anything about 
the Card, or are we just going to leave it here on the street?"

A pained look crossed Windir's face. "Loathe as I am to assist those who 
have slighted our friends, it seems apparent that we must turn the 
evidence over to the police." He peered down at the Card, lying on the 
ground. "There appear to be certain old stains on it; the police 
laboratories are the most likely ones to match them, if they are indeed 
bloodstains."

"I'll give them a call," Kaede said with a wry smile.

     *     *     *     *     *     *

Their old acquaintance, the police lieutenant, sat across from the trio, 
the Bloody Card sitting on his desk between them. He shook his head 
sadly. "Well... when the lab got a hold of it, they found some rather 
interesting organic residue."

"I'll bet," Frito snickered, as Windir cocked his eyebrow again. 

"Some of the older stains weren't touched by the organic stuff, though," 
the lieutenant continued. "They *were* bloodstains, just like you 
thought. And they matched Saotome's blood. Unquestionably."

Lyra smiled in satisfaction. "Good. I was wondering if it might be the 
same person that was killing Ranma, and this confirms it. We've got 
another lead."

"Um... we've got more than that," the lieutenant said uncomfortably. 
"Since this happened in front of a bank, we were able to get some 
pictures from the bank's surveillance cameras."

"Ya did?! Great!" Frito half-stood and started preening. "How'd I look?"

In perfect unison, Windir and Lyra kicked the legs of his chair out from 
under him, dumping him on the floor.

"I don't think it's so good," the lieutenant said mournfully. "Take a 
look." He passed the pictures over the desk.

"WHAT?!?" Lyra exclaimed in shock.

"I don't believe it!" Frito shouted.

Windir said nothing, only shook his head sadly.

     *     *     *     *     *     *

The sad look was still on his face, as they came up to the weatherbeaten 
door. He shot an inquiring look at the lieutenant; that worthy nodded 
slowly. With a sigh, he knocked on the door.

Kei answered, with a pleasant "Hey, folks, what's up?" Her face froze as 
she took in their expressions. Frito kept looking down at his feet, and 
wouldn't meet her eyes. Windir stood with eyes closed and head bowed. 
Only Lyra looked at her, and her eyes were filled with sad determination. 

Yuri came up beside Kei, and frowned slightly at the tableau. "What's 
wrong?"

The lieutenant cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Kei. Yuri. It is my 
duty," he swallowed slightly, "to place you under arrest for the repeated 
murder of Ranma Saotome. You have the right to remain silent. Anything 
you say can and will be used against you in the Court of Otaku Opinion. 
You have the right to a fan defender. If you are unable to contact one, 
one will be selected for you by the SMOO..."

Kei pulled back her fist to strike, but Yuri laid a restraining hand on 
her arm before she could swing. They stood, silently, as the lieutenant 
put on the restraints. As they were led away, Yuri met Lyra's eyes with a 
-- well, you couldn't call it a 'mute' plea, her look said it as clearly 
as words -- "Please. Help us. *We didn't do it!*"

Author's Notes
==============

Who are these people?
---------------------

Windir, Frito and Lyra: Critic characters for the series of fanfic 
reviews I've been writing for the last year or so. Bios -- along with the 
reviews themselves -- are available on the Fun Fanfic Critiques page, 
<http://www.tfs.net/~tbutler/FFC/>.

Kaede: A ninja from Urusei Yatsura. She suffers from the twin curses of 
being too timid/yielding, and a horrible old hag as the head of her ninja 
clan. After an unfortunate encounter with Ataru Moroboshi, trying to 
retrieve a scroll of clan secrets, she deserts the clan and gets caught 
in an endless series of odd jobs... Despite her diffidence, she can be 
remarkably skillful when the chips are down.

Miyuki and Natsumi: Police officers from You're Under Arrest, a series by 
the creator of Oh My Goddess!. Many of the comments in the story are true 
-- it is a sweet, relatively light-hearted story, with no real villains. 
Wonderful animation in the OAV series, but criticized by some for being 
light on plot. I love it anyway. :)

Akiko and Nuku Nuku: From the series All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku 
Nuku. Nuku Nuku is the product of Kyusaku, the inventor husband of Akiko, 
who saved a cat's life by putting her brain into the android body he 
created, which sat on the table in the lab that was part of the house 
that Jack... ahem. Unfortunately, Kyusaku and Akiko split up over the 
uses she wanted to put his inventions to... um, there's really to much to 
summarize, and a lot of screwball comedy along the way. Find the tapes, 
watch them. Enjoy. :)

Kei and Yuri: Come on, do you *really* need me to describe them? If you 
honestly don't recognize them, go rent a copy of Flight 005 Conspiracy, 
or Project Eden. Really. Now.

Where did this thing come from?
-------------------------------

After using Windir, Frito, and Lyra in a number of 'fic reviews, I've had 
a few people ask to see them in their own story. When I thought about it, 
the only thing that really came to mind was an investigation team. What 
would they investigate? Um... that one stumped me for a few weeks more. 
Then I got the image of them finding the dead Ranma... but nothing beyond 
that. Finally, about New Year's, I realized the Pair would have a perfect 
motive, as the ones who lost the most when the Ranma fanfic boom started, 
and the whole thing started coming together. 

Thhis was originally supposed to be a silly romp, so I didn't worry too 
much about casting them in the villain's role... and then it started 
turning dark, and I got stuck; I didn't *want* them to be real bad guys. 
Hence the twist at the end. Make of it what you will. <wry g>



Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
 tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
 <http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
 Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)

...I haven't lost it! It's been temporally mislaid...