Digitized Duck wrote:
The Night After
by Lord Archive
To begin with, I liked the story.
That said, there are some problems that need to be worked out in it.
We'll start with the technical; you need to pick either present or past
tense and stick with it... you move back and forth between tense within
sentences, when you should not change tense within scenes...
I recommend writing the entire piece in past tense, for smoothness in
reading. Unless a piece is written in first person, I usually find
present tense jarring. Of course, that's just my opinion.
Also, I find Ranma to be slightly OOC here. While I do not doubt that
Ranma feels all of these things, he is going to have a more difficult
time admitting to them than this... a little more time to work up to it,
a little more hesitation... build up the tension, and the suspense...
make the reader empathize with Ranma, and the difficulty he has facing
his feelings... such things add power to the work, as well as bringing
it closer to who Ranma is.
Other than that, not bad; it has the potential to be even better.