A surReal World Parody!
What do you get when you take twelve talented writers and put them
together? Damned if I know, but here are twelve works by people you
may have heard of.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Richard Lawson <sterman@sprynet.com>
--
Ranma slammed the bowl on the table. He opened a box of cereal and
tilted it over the bowl. Nothing came out.
He glared at the man sitting across from him. "You ate it all, didn't
you?"
The man across from him smiled widely as he put the last spoonful in his
mouth.
Ranma threw the box across the table. "Dammit, Ataru, I swear - you
need to start paying double your share of the food expense. You eat
enough for two dozen people."
"And you don't?" Ataru said lazily. "Seems to me you ate a whole bag
of rice before anyone else knew it was there."
"Hey, at least *I'm* a martial artist working on perfecting my body.
All *you're* working on is becoming a Happosai-wannabe."
"Boys, boys," Urd said as she glided into the room. "Can we hold down
the arguing until after breakfast? You have all day to insult each
other." She went over and turned on the little black-and-white TV on
the counter, watching it in rapture as she absently began making some
tea.
Ranma snorted and looked like he was about to say something, when Nuku
Nuku staggered into the room.
Ataru raised a bored eyebrow. "What's wrong, catgirl?"
"Processors... have destroyed my brain." She fell to her knees,
clutching at Ranma. "Losing... coherence. Couldn't... tried to fight
it off. Every day... brain got worse. Can... cannot... compensate
anymore. Only moments left." She looked up at Ranma, her eyes half as
big as her face and full of tears. "Tell them for me! Tell Papa-san I
love him! Tell Ryunnosuke I love him. T-tell Mama-san... oh, I'm
dying. Death comes is death." She fell so that she was lying on the
ground. "Mind dying shutting down oh I don't want to die want love want
LOVE!" She convulsed once, then closed her eyes.
Mamrou stepped over her as he entered. "This doesn't mean you're
getting out of paying your share of the expenses, Nuku Nuku. It's not
our fault you keep eating all of those fish pastries."
Urd glanced over, then reached over and pulled out an elaborately
mechanical wind-up mouse with "ACME/SKULD" stenciled on the side. She
gave the handle a couple of turns, then set it on the floor.
The mouse ran frantically around the room. Nuku Nuku's nose twitched
once, twice. Her cat-ears popped out of her head, and then she finally
sprang up. "Mouse!" She chased after it on all fours, passing by a
startled Kyosuke as she ran out of the kitchen.
Kyosuke looked around. "Was she playing dead again?"
Ranma nodded. "She comes up with the weirdest excuses."
Ataru sneered. "Better then the 'I need to save money for my unborn
child' excuse someone game up with a while back."
Ranma blushed and tried to eat something from his empty bowl.
~*~
--
Gary Kleppe <KLEPPE@execpc.com>
--
The girl sat on the couch and waited.
She had been there for hours, perhaps minutes. The girl did not
know how much time had passed. Nor did she care. In her mind there was
only one thought.
(This sucks. Ain't they got nothin' to eat in this dump?)
A skinny teenaged boy came over to the couch. "How are you
today? I'm Doctor Moroboshi. I hear you have amnesia. Have you ever had
it before? Never mind, don't answer that."
The girl tried to think. "I remember running around outside last
night in the rain... before that, nothing. I don't know where I'm from,
or what I did, or even what my favorite teams in sports are. I'm pretty
sure I don't like the taste of Spam, though."
"Well, THAT narrows down who you might be. When you were brought
here, you said 'Damn, my head hurts' a couple of times. Do you think
that could be your name?"
"Don't know. Could be. It gives me... a weird feeling... like
it's a true statement."
The girl looked at the doctor. He appeared to be nothing more
than a teenage boy, wearing a simple T-shirt and jeans. His examination
room seemed to have no medical equipment whatsoever; from all
appearances it was an ordinary living room.
There was only one explanation. This doctor worked for an HMO.
Doctor Moroboshi moved onto the couch, close enough to make the
girl uncomfortable. "Look, Damn, I'll have to be honest with you here.
You might think that this amnesia stuff is caused by something simple,
like your drinking one of Urd's potions by mistake. No, I'm afraid you
seem to have suffered a massive emotional trauma, the kind of thing that
happens when a guy gets dumped by a chick that he likes."
"I'm going to apply a series of whaddayacallit, stimulus." He
slid his hands around her waist. "Tell me if this makes you remember
anything."
Nothing. The girl experienced a feeling of angst and depression,
like being in a deathfic. Obviously they had kicked her out from
wherever she was from; but couldn't they have let her keep her memories?
She was pretty sure she had known the locations of some good
restaurants.
"How about this?" The doctor put his hands on the girl's breasts
and started to fondle them.
"AAAAA!!!! Cut that out, you stupid pervert!! I remember
already! I'M A GUY!!! And tell that to the narrator too!!" The girl --
er, guy -- punted Moroboshi across the room.
============================================================================
SCENE: Urd, Kyosuke, and Mamoru watch through a crack in the kitchen
door. Suddenly Ataru bursts through, chased by an angry onna-Ranma. They
run past the camera and out of view.
URD: I could've just given Ranma the antidote for that potion. Not much
of a doctor, is he?
KYOSUKE: Well, he did cure Ranma's amnesia, so he must have had
something.
MAMORU: Maybe it was his bedside manner? There aren't any HMOs in Japan,
by the way.
KYOSUKE: It's just a parody, you should really just relax.
============================================================================
(Based on "Lost", available in the RAAC archive, or at
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html#lost . Thanx to Dave Eddy for
pre-reading.)
--
Scott Jamison <majks@cyberx.com>
--
(Scene: The TV room. Urd is watching soaps while Washuu works
on yet another complicated device with lots of blinking lights (tm).)
TV: And now a word from our sponsor!
(Urd hits "mute" on the remote control and turns to Washuu.)
Urd: So what's today's project, oh cutest genius in the galaxy?
Washuu: Universe. As you know, but new people tuning in for the first
time may not, Ataru Moroboshi has been getting a little out of hand
lately.
Urd (nods): I follow you so far. I may enjoy a little fun now and
again, but that boy takes it way beyond the limit.
Washuu: So, I was thinking, Ataru's the most obnoxious letch in this
universe...but what about other universes?
Urd: You're trying to contact the most obnoxious letch from some other
universe in hopes of setting Ataru against him in a contest that would
destroy them both?
Washuu: No, though that does sound like fun. I was thinking more along
the lines of replacing our Ataru with one from an alternate universe
where he was less annoying.
Urd: Neeat. But, won't that other universe get stuck with our Ataru?
Washuu: Only temporarily. We'll put them back when we all move out.
Urd: So, how's it work?
Washuu: Well, the Trandimensional Vocally-Activated Reprositronic
Amalgamafier works on a very simple principle first discovered by myself
over three thousand y--
Urd: I mean, how do you operate it?
Washuu: (grumbling) No appreciation for details... (normal) You simply
push this button (points) and speak the desired result. Simple as pi.
Urd: Okay, just push this little doohickey (pushes it; the device starts
glowing) and then we'll all be one big happy family--
(The device explodes in a burst of violet-red light.)
Urd (V.O.): Oops.
(The screen goes black for a moment; then a "Technical
Difficulties: Please Stand By" sign appears.)
(The TV room reappears; Urd is now alone, dressed in a
calf-length dress and apron, and peeling potatos while watching the
soaps. She suddenly starts.)
Urd: What the *bleep!* is going on here? Where's Washuu?
(Mamoru enters. Somehow he looks a bit older.)
Mamoru: Washuu-chan? She's still finishing up her school project.
Urd: School project? Since when is Washuu in school, Tux-boy?
Mamoru: Since she was six, Sugarmuffin.
Urd: Sugarmuffin?
(Mamoru sweeps her up in his arms and gives Urd a passionate
kiss.)
Urd: Whoa! Not that I mind, but what brought that on?
Mamoru: Since when do I need an excuse to kiss my own wife?
Urd: Wife!?
(Closeup on their hands reveals each is wearing a wedding ring.)
Urd: Wife...
(Ataru and female Ranma enter. Ranma's wearing a sailor suit
school uniform. She looks very angry.)
Ranma-chan: Mooom! Ataru's been pawing through my underwear drawer again!
Ataru: Have not! I was just looking for my little black book! Like I'd
want to touch your underwear anyway. How I ever ended up with an uncute
tomboy like you for a sister, I'll never know!
Ranma-chan: Uncute!? You take that back right now, or... (hefts a mallet.)
Mamoru: Now, twins, play nice in the house. You don't want to make your
mother upset.
Urd: I'm...*their* mother...?
Mamoru: Now, dear, don't tell me you don't remember our four children.
Urd: Four?
(Kyousuke enters, arm in a sling.)
Kyousuke: Hi Mom, hi Dad, hi twins.
Urd: Okay, that makes three... What happened to your arm?
Kyousuke: Oh, Madoka tossed me again. I don't want to seem
disrespectful, Mom, but your love advice sucks.
Ataru: Hey, it works for me.
Ranma-chan: *You* she advised to date the blind.
(Ataru and Ranma stick their tongues out at each other.)
(Washuu-chan comes in, carrying what looks like a model of Tokyo
Tower built of popsicle sticks.)
Washuu-chan: Look! I'm done!
Urd: That's nice. Uh, what is it?
Washuu-chan: It's a model of Tokyo Tower built of popsicle sticks! And
boy was it hard to make!
(Urd facefaults.)
Urd (picking herself up): That's nice, Washuu-chan, but don't you have
that Transdimensional whatsis handy to get us out of this mess?
Washuu-chan: Trans-what? Mom, I'm only 12 years old, not some mad
scientist.
Urd: Oh. Wait a minute, isn't there someone missing?
Mamoru: Right! Here, Nuku-Nuku, here girl!
(A magenta-furred panther bounds into the room, puts its paws up
on Mamoru's chest and licks his face.)
Ranma-chan: And to think she was such a tiny kitten when we adopted
her! Oh, I'll be late for my date with my boyfriend!
Urd: Please, Mr. Wizard, I want to go home!
THE END (OR THE BEGINNING?)
SKJAM!
--
David Eddy <dje@progress.com>
--
The loungeroom. Kyosuke and Washuu are sitting on one of
the sofas watching TV, while Ranma sprawls comfortably on
the other.
Urd walks in. She is wearing her Goddess uniform (i.e.
not very much). She spies Ranma and sits down next to his
head. She slowly runs a finger along his arm.
URD: [in a sultry voice] Hello, Ranma-kun.
RANMA: Gnorf? [he looks away from the TV, straight into Urd's
overhanging cleavage. His eyes bug out] Gaaaaa!
URD: [smiling, to Ranma, who is now perched on the opposite end
of the sofa] Huh. I don't usually have *that* effect on
men.
RANMA: [shaking] D-don't do that! If A-Akane saw that I'm
dead! [looks nervously at the camera]
Urd settles into the sofa, a look of interest replacing
her earlier "vamp" act.
URD: Wow, you're really stuck on that girl, aren't you?
RANMA: What? That uncute, clumsy tomboy? I'd never--
URD: Sure, Ranma. I understand. [she grins]
Nuku-nuku walks in, holding a small white cat with black
socks and tail. The cat is curled up in her arms. As
usual, she is smiling and happy. She spots Ranma and
bounces over, holding the cat out to him.
NUKU-NUKU: Ranma-kun! Meet my friend C-chan! Isn't she cute?!
Ranma sees the cat and panics. Ataru enters the
loungeroom.
RANMA: Aargh! C-c-cat! Gedditawayfromme!
He disappears out the door past Ataru, scrambling
awkwardly -- but quickly -- backwards. The cat watches
his retreat interestedly, while the others all wear
shocked expressions.
ATARU: What was all *that* about?
==================================================
Moonlight briefly lit the cat as it jumped in through
Ranma's open window. On the bed, Ranma himself lay sprawled on
wrinkled sheets, dressed only in boxer shorts. A light breeze
stirred the drawn curtains, wafting cool air into the room.
All was quiet and peaceful... except for Ranma's snores.
Silently, C-chan stepped over to the side of the bed and
looked up curiously. She hesitated for a long moment, then with
a brief "mrrrppt" leapt up onto the bed. After three headbutts
to his ribs failed to elicit a response, C-chan leapt lightly up
onto Ranma's chest and settled down, purring, staring into his
face.
Ranma's nose twitched, then again, then his eyes snapped
open. Every muscle in his body locked solid as he realized that
the warm weight on his chest was not what he had been dreaming
of... he was face-to-face with a *CAT*!!
Frantically he levitated sideways, limbs windmilling as he
retreated until his back thudded against his bedroom door. C-
chan "mroowr"ed curiously and followed, intent on fulfilling her
mission of comfort and affection.
"C-c-caaaat!" yelled Ranma, fumbling frantically for the
doorknob before simply kicking through the heavy wooden door.
Chunks of wood fell musically to the floor even as the panicked
Ranma fled aimlessly through the house, looking for somewhere,
anywhere, that he could get away from that...
There! Sanctuary! He leaped through the door, slamming it
behind him, and dove for the bed. Landing on it, he lay panting
for a long moment, staring nervously at the closed door. Then he
frowned. That cat sure looked an awful lot like Akane, but that
couldn't be... could it?
Urd awoke with a start, her senses tuning in on the prime
male flesh in her bed even before she was fully conscious. Hot
and sweaty, excited and nervous... all the indicators for a great
evening were there. Trouble is, she didn't remember going to bed
with...
"Ranma!" Urd sat up, her negilgee transparent in the
moonlight, the light from the window showing her sexy smile.
"Change your mind?" Her eyes half-lidded as she continued, "I
like a man like that."
"Aaagh!" Ranma leapt from her bed in fear, thoughts of what
Akane would do to him when she saw *this* flooding his mind. He
didn't even notice the glass of water Urd kept on the table
beside her bed.
"Oh, my," breathed Urd. "Ra...Ranma? Ran...ko?" She
reached out to touch Ranma's now-red hair. At her touch, Ranma-
onna looked up with large, expressive eyes. "Oh boy."
--
Mike Loader <mike@thekeep.org>
--
The best you could say about the afternoon was that the
situation was almost under control. Almost.
Noone was sure exactly who had spiked the morning tea with
love potion. Peter Noone knew a lot of things that he really had
no right to know. The house, however was ignorant of both the
druggist's identity and Peter's knowledge of it, which in all
likelyhood prevented Peter from making a quick few bucks and
saved the druggist a nasty, lingering death.
Washuu had locked herself in her lab with orders not to let
her out until she had finished brewing the cure, no matter how
often she claimed that Tux-boy was the one true love of her
life. Ranma had been securely strapped to the breakfast bar
with steel cable, and alternated attempts to break loose with
long, rather dubious arguments on how Ataru really was the guy
for him. Nuku-Nuku was licking Urd's face; the drug had had no
effect on her, but she _liked_ licking people's faces. The
goddess made no responce to the tongue bath; the drug had done
interesting things to her unusual body chemistry, and she was
now attempting to gain enlightenment by contemplating her
navel. Periodically, she would make slurred observations along
the lines of "Gosh," "Oh wow," or "Like, yeah."
Kyosuke had been watching the international news, and was
on the phone trying to get the Kremlin so he could propose to
Boris Yeltsin.
It was hard to tell who Ataru had fixated on. His behavior was
unchanged; if something female entered his line of sight, he
would attempt to grope. He very, very carefully kept his
distance from Ranma.
The aliens invaded around noon, but left after Geraldo
threatened to do an investigative interview. On their way out of
the ionosphere they atomized the Micro$oft building as a
parting blow, much to the delight of humanity.
Commanding the invasion was a multivalved biform named
Ukyo. The name was a complete coincidence, and had nothing at
all to do with a certain okonomiyaki chef. In fact, it has no
bearing on the story whatsoever, and probably shouldn't be
mentioned at all, but hey, these side comments are popular,
well, sort of, Foxtrot keeps telling me to pair them down but
what does she know anyway.
This was the situation at 2:35 PM, which was when the wall
suddenly exploded inward. As the housemates stared, a Harley-
Davidson rumbled through the new enterance and made a tight
circuit of the living room, screeching to a halt beside the
couch.
The driver, clad in a black leather outfit with lots of chains,
revved the engine in order to be cool.
"Oh my," commented Urd.
"That's my line," Kasumi responded, removing her helmet.
From his spot on the breakfast bar, Ranma stared. It certainly
_looked_ like Kasumi, despite the chains, leather, chrome
spikes, and death's head belt buckle. And the anarchist symbol
painted in blood on the back of her jacket had "Born to Cook"
above it in iron studs. But this was, to say the least, a new look
for her.
"Uh, Kasumi?" he ventured. "What are you, uh, doing here? I
thought the house location was supposed to be a secret.."
Kasumi laughed a hideous laugh, stopped, gargled with a
nearby glass of club soda, and gave her normal musical chuckle.
The rest of the room hummed along with it.
"I am not the Kasumi you knew," she said, idly toying with a
bowie knife, "but a future version of her. Your Kasumi is... hmm,
let's see, it's about 2:30... in her room with the vibrator. Um. I
mean, taking a nap." Her face colored slightly. "You may call
me... Kaasumi."
"Been reading too much Zahn, have we?" muttered Ataru.
While he normally would have moved in for the glomp by now,
the large numbers of sharp metal things on her made patience
seem like a good idea.
Kaasumi shrugged. "Yeah, well, sue me. It's a ploy to get
attention and to avoid confusing me with the live-in maid that I
am in this time period."
Ranma nodded, one mystery solved. "So whatcha doin' here?"
Her face darkened.
"Nuku," Ranma snapped, "stop playing with the lighting."
"Sorry!"
As the illumination cast on the once and future Kasumi's face
returned to normal, they could see that she was near tears.
"She's near tears," Urd commented. "Like, profound."
Kaasumi sniffled. "You don't know what it's been like, what
I've gone through noone could but Peter's a special case going
into the long white long hall of the cold hospital filled ith
really impolite uncaring nurses to see if _she_ was alive or
dead as dirt oh crap I'm stuck in one of those run-on sentences
damnit I hate it when this happens must get punctuation back
oh the humanity there almost got.. it..." With great effort, she
ground to a halt. "I think I wet myself."
The rest of the room nodded, profoundly moved.
"I had... to save my sister, no matter what the personal cost!"
cried the biker Tendo. "Even though it left me horribly scarred
and mutilated!"
There was a short silence.
Ataru was the first to speak. "You don't, ah, _look_ horribly
scarred..."
Kaasumi ripped off her left glove. "Look!"
The housemates recoiled in horror.
"That... that... " Ranma stammered.
"Oh, ugh!" said Nuku-Nuku, her nose wrinkling
"That has to be the ugliest nail polish I've seen in my life,"
Ranma concluded. The rest of them nodded in solemn agreement.
Yellow/brown was really not a very good shade.
"Anyway, where's the mutilation?" Ataru asked. He harbored
a hope that she would have to remove certain articles of
clothing to show it to them.
Scowling, Kaasumi pointed to her pinky finger. "There!"
They peered intently at the digit.
"Nasty paper cut," said Ranma. "How'd ya get it?"
"Motorcycle rental contract. Damn sharp edges."
Another moment of silence followed, broken only by the sound
of Urd quietly telling her left knee that she was a antelope
trapped in a man's body.
"So," Ranma said, feeling the need to get conversation going
again, "what's all that about saving a sister? Akane get killed
or somethin'?"
Kaasumi blew her nose loudly into a handkerchief. "Nabiki-
chan got hit by a car, Ranma. The doctors couldn't save her
body, but her brain...." She trailed off.
"What about her brain?" asked Ranma.
"What'd they do with the body? Do they still want it?" asked
Ataru.
Reaching into a knapsack slung to the side of the cycle,
Kaasumi pulled forth a fishbowl attached to several high-tech
doodads with neat blinky things. Inside, through the swirling
liquid, the horrified housemates could see a mass of pulsating
flesh....
"They saved Nabiki's brain," intoned Kaasumi.
[A-N-D-A-G-O-O-D-T-H-I-N-G-,-T-O-O-.] clattered a small
speaker on the side of the fishbowl.
"Hush, Nabiki-chan, don't strain what's left of yourself,"
Kaasumi said soothingly.
"Oh wow, man. Dig it," Urd told the large potted fern next to
the sofa.
"Geez," Ranma said, "tough break. So whatcha doin' here?"
The biker smiled. "Nabiki needs a new body, and I'm given to
understand that you have here an android that will fit the bill
perfectly. After all, it was designed for the brain of a cat...
Nabiki's brain shouldn't be much of a change for it."
[H-E-Y-!]
"Wait a minute," Ranma interjected. "You wanna take out
Nuku-Nuku's brain and replace it with Nabiki's?"
She nodded. "The VP of Mishima assured me it would work.
The All-Purpose Cultural Extortionist Nabi-Nabi project was
highly successful, at least in the computer simulations."
"You can't do that!"
"Why not?"
Ranma thought for a few minutes. "Beats me. Okay, go ahead."
Hissing, Nuku-Nuku jumped atop a bookcase. "Urd! Ataru! Tell
her not to take Nuku-Nuku apart!"
"Well," Ataru said, shrugging, "as long as the body stays the
same..."
Urd gurgled happily and began to play with herself.
Frowning, Nuku struck a dramatic pose. "You will not take my
brain!"
Kaasumi took out a small, black device, pointed it at Nuku-
Nuku, and pressed a button. Nuku froze.
"Oddly enough, an ordinary Toshiba stereo remote control will
turn off this model android," Kaasumi commented. "Amazing
the things you learn in Basic Mecha 101 at Nekomi Tech. And
now..." Hyper-laser Death Chainsaw in hand, she advanced on the bookcase.
"Wait!"
They turned to see Kyosuke framed in the doorway, wearing a sweatshirt
emblazoned with the words 'Deus Ex Machina'.
"If you can travel through time, why don't you just prevent
the accident from ever happening?"
Ranma snorted. "Because the Tefler Backlash of a paradox in
quantum reality topolixes would downsize the Wilmor Timeline
Branching Flux, resulting in multiple entity schisms. Geez, don't
you know anything?"
Kaasumi snapped her fingers. "Actually, Ranma, the Sic-E
Self-termination Effect would compensate. I just didn't think
of it before. It really does sound a lot easier all around, so I'll
go and do that instead. Bye!"
Dropping the fishbowl, which shattered rather messily on the
floor, Kaasumi revved the engine and sped out through a nearby
wall in a shower of plaster.
"Well," commented Ranma after the spate of coughing
produced by the motorcycle exhaust, "that was interesting."
"I'm a wildebeest," agreed Urd.
"Glad that done with," muttered Nuku. She leaped off of the
bookcase.
*thump*Splat*
"Aw, man, you landed on Nabiki! How are we gonna get that
out of the carpet?"
"Icky!" wailed Nuku.
They eventually waited until Tux-boy came home, and made
him clean it up.
Two days later, Soun married Kodachi for no disternable
reason, but that was okay.
--
Trisha Sebastian <sebast5228@theonramp.net>
--
I looked up from the plates I was carrying and called out,
"Irrashimase!" Working in Akie's ain't all that bad. It's a nice change
from carrying all them bowls of ramen, each of them scalding hot.
I dropped off the order at my table, slapped off their hands
when they got too friendly, and turned to see where the new customer
was sitting. The customer looked up at me at the same time
and he froze. Then he got up from his seat, and approached me.
I froze. I looked around, to see if I could use the Saotome
School Secret Technique, but Ataru was leering from the kitchen, and
Nuku-Nuku was cheerfully engaged in combat in front of the restaurant.
Suddenly, I felt strong arms surrounding me, holding me in a
big bear hug. I was trapped. Then I heard a familiar male voice crying
out, "Ranma! I've finally found you!" I did the next thing any other
person would have done.
I broke free from the embrace, and punched him squarely in the nose,
shouting, "Get offa me, ya pervert!" The pervert stumbled back, and
fell to the floor, clutching his nose. He was bleeding all over the
floor. "Radma," he moaned, "Dodn't you rebember be?"
I took a good look at him, and froze. He is the last person I
had ever wanted to meet. I put on a huge smile on my face and said,
"Oh, gosh, no! I have no idea who you are!" I batted my eyes, and
tried to look cute. The chem. club look-a-likes started drooling,
and readied themselves for action. "But, Radma!" he protested, "You
left towd without tellig be where you were goig! I had no idea where
you could be until I saw the dews show on dis restaruant! Den, I dew
that it was you!"
He struggled to get up and still keep his nose from bleeding
all over the floor. He lurched to his feet and stood tall in front of
me. He reached into his shirt, and I instinctively booted him over into
Ataru's direction. They both crashed through the Ataru-shaped hole
in the wall, but now, it was an Ataru-meets-strange-pervert-shaped hole in
the wall. I rushed outside and cutesily gushed, "Oh, gee, did I do that?"
Ataru was out cold, but the stranger sat up, and now he was
sporting a nasty bruise on his temple from where I kicked him. He
started to laugh, wincing from his bruises, but laughed nonetheless.
The way was laughing raised the hair on the back of my neck.
I whipped my head around to see if Kodachi was near, then turned back
towards the stranger. He was laughing heartily and shook his head.
"Sabe ol' Radma," he grinned. "Alwayds hittig people for do reason."
Suddenly, I remembered where I'd met him before. It happened
when Pop and I were on our way to the Tendou's from China. We were
hungry, and stopped in to one of those little stores near the beach
that sells most everything. I was going to get some hot water so I
could change back, but then Pop had gotten himself into trouble by
snarfing down on all the food in the place. The owner came out to see
what all the trouble was and made me work at the place for about two
weeks to pay off all the food Pop ate. The owner had a son named
Kintaro who also worked at the place. We got along pretty well. And
now, Kintaro was laughing like a loon, slumped on top of Ataru.
"Kintaro?" I asked, helping him up.
"You fidally rebembered," he grinned, lurching to his feet.
"It took me a while," I said. I helped him back into the rest-
aurant, dodging the shrapenel from Nuku-Nuku's "friend" and sat him down
at the counter. Then, I tended to his nose and fixed up the bruise
near his temple. He talked of the old times as I tended to him, and
I couldn't help but laugh at some of the mischief we'd gotten into.
Of course, I couldn't let him know then that I was really a guy, because
then he would have hated me, and I couldn't bear that. That time
at the beach was the first time I had to relax and not worry about anything
like crazed Amazons. We talked and talked about everything, and had
gotten really, really close. That closeness scared me.
I turned by mind back to what he was saying. "I kept thinking
about you all this time," he said. "Honestly, Ranma. I've been
thinking about all we went through together, and I have to say that I've
no one else in the world quite like you." Kintaro took my hand in
his and I squirmed. "That's why what I have to tell you is so important
to me..."
I put a halt to whatever it was he was going to say next.
"Well, it was great seeing you Kintaro, but you have to leave now."
"But why?"
I thought quickly. "Because I have a life threatening illness,
and I have only four days to live. It's highly contagious, and direct
contact with me spreads the disease."
"If that's true," he countered, "then you shouldn't be working
in a restaurant with all these people around, should you?"
I was amazed at how quickly he saw through my ruse. I opened my
mouth to speak, but he shut it quickly with his fingertip. "Silly
Ranma," he murmured, as he leaned in close. "I have something I want
to share with you."
Ataru started wolf-whistling from the wall and even Nuku-
Nuku had stopped in the middle of her fight to watch. I could hear the
chemistry geeks' heartss breaking and my own heart pounding wildly.
DA-THUMP! I'll hit him. DA-THUMP! I'll kill him. DA-THUMP!
I'll kill Ataru, and then I'll kill him. DA-THUMP! I'll let him kiss me.
DA-THUMP! I'll let him fondle my breasts and lick them all over with his
tongue as I fondle his mem---
With a sudden snap, I jerked my head away, brought my hand up
and slapped him resoundingly across the face. Kintaro's head jerked off
to the side, and he fell off of the stool. He landed on the floor, and
glared up at me. "What the hell did you do that for?"
I glared back at him. "That was for trying to kiss me!"
"Listen, Ranma, I don't have time to play those stupid
games you used to play," he growled. "It was funny then, but it's not
anymore. Of course I wasn't going to kiss you, you're not my type!
You never were!"
My mouth dropped open, but Kintaro continued on his rant.
"Damnit, I was just going to tell you that I'm getting married! I want you
to come to the wedding! If you don't believe me, here!" He reached
into his shirt and pulled out an envelope. My name was inscribed
on the front. "Here's the invitiation, baka." He ripped open
the envelope and pulled open the card. "You can invite anyone you
want, just don't bring that panda of yours, okay?"
Kintaro leaned back and sighed, "Listen, I didn't mean
to get upset at you just now. I've just been so nervous about the
wedding and all. And when you started up with the games again, I just
got fed up." He grunted as he pulled himself up off of the floor
and shuffled off towards the door. "Come if you want to, okay?"
I watched him go in silence. I looked down at the invitation
and all it represented. Then I stuffed it in my shirt.
Of course, Ataru *had* to ask to see it. So, I gave him the
pummeling he deserved. As I pummeled and punched and pounded, I thought
about Kintaro's wedding. And I smiled.
Maybe I can get Akane to go with me.
Foxtrot the Furryous, CBTFH, ret.
--
Colliding SYmponies <ryougaecho@abraxis.com>
--
Nukunuku bolted in the door still in her high-school fuku. "Tadaima!"
After a quick scan of the apartment she saw Kei in a sweat shirt and
Papa-san in front of his computer still in his lab coat from they day
before. "Kei!" She jumped at him as he turned just in time to catch her.
"Hi there," he said calmly a small grin on his features. Just then, Eimi
followed her through the door in her fuku, holding two callico-type cats
over her shoulder by the tail.
"Hey, Sensei," she said. "Hi Kei." She waved.
NukuNuku turned in a bit of surprise. "You know Kei?" She looked on in
further shock when she found what was over Eimi's shoulder. "What's the
matter with those cats?"
"Nothing! Perfectly healthy," Eimi said smoothly with a bright smile.
NukuNuku was unsure of how to deal with that remark, from what little
she remembered her tail hurt very much even by brushing against things.
Kei, however, stood up and stopped Eimi. Eimi turned and Kei inspected
the quite limp cats, tugging at their unresponsive limbs. "Yeah, they
look big enough."
"Big enough?" she exclaimed, puzzled. "For what? What are you doing,
Eimi?"
"Oh, like you don't know!" she snapped girlishly. "And they call me
dumb. . ." NukuNuku could only look as Eimi headed for Papa-san's lab.
"Papa-san, why is she taking those cats to your work space?"
After a drag on a newly lit cigarette, he said, "Probably getting ready
for tonight."
"What's going on here?" She quailed in a whining tone. Ryunnosuke came
from his room and started jumping up and down.
"NukuNuku, come see! Come see quick!"
She turned and crawled away from Papa-san towards Ryunnosuke's room.
Maybe he could tell her what they were doing. "Ryunnosuke do you know
what's. . ," she began as she came into his room. He was peering out the
window, so far that he was practically dangling. "Ryunnosuke, be
careful!"
"Come see this guy! He's funny!"
NukuNuku took a place beside Ryunnosuke and peered out the window
herself. A boy with a braid wearing chinese tunics was running almost as
fast as she could with about 60, no 67 cats behind him, the whole time
screaming; "NekoNekoNekoNekoNekoNEKONEKONEKONEKONEKONEKONEKONEKONEKONEK
ONEKONEKONEKO!"
Ryunnosuke was laughing full throated, while NukuNuku looked confused.
Why was the boy wearing fish-sausage links around his neck? He ran the
other way, coming fulll circle before crashing into the wall. The cats
dog-piled him and the sausages. Ryunnosuke was in tucks, holding his
stomach while he laughed.
NukuNuku scanned the pile more intently, when suddenly the boy shot up
from the bottom of the pile, screaming like a cat in heat.
"NYRAAAAAAA!!"
His fists moved oddly as he swatted at the cats powerfully. NukuNuku
watched in horror as the cats were litterally rended in half. Cat
screeches that no human could hear pounded at NukuNuku's ears as she
watched in disbelief. Another sound crept into her ears.
Ryunnosuke was still laughing. "Aw, look at him go! Hahahaha! Yow he's
fast!"
"How could you be laughing!? Its awful! I have to stop him!" she stood
up.
"NUKUNUKU!!" Eimi's voice bellowed. "Could you come back to the kitchen
please? I need some help!"
NukuNuku, looked down at the catfight and back to the door.
"Are you coming or not? Do I have to get someone else who actually cares
to come here?"
"NukuNuku cares. . ," she said, feeling very small. Finally she walked
out of a still laughing Ryunnosuke's room and came to the kitchen. Eimi,
with an apron on, was standing in front of a boiling pot of water and
stirring its contents. Kei was near the sink, next to Eimi and the
stove.
"So just one?" Kei's voice asked.
"Yeah, leave the other one with the skin. Keeps the flavour from what
I've read," Eimi's voice answered.
NukuNuku stopped behind them. "Making dinner so early, Eimi-chan?"
"Yep!" she answered without turning around.
"Where's the tenderiser?" Kei asked, looking at Eimi.
"I think I left it in the lab," Kyusaku answered. "You know, even the
best scientists need a BFH sometimes. Hahaha!"
"Yeah," Kei breathed. Turning towards the lab and NukuNuku, she could
see that he had one of those cat's Eimi had slung over his shoulder.
"S`cuse me!" he said brightly. She merely watched him go by her, back
into the lab, shut the door, and lock it behind him. After a moment , an
odd thudding noise could be heard repeatedly.
NukuNuku walked up to Eimi. "What is he doing with that. . ," She
trailed off when she saw Eimi with the other cat by the tail, slowly
lowering it into the boiling water.
"NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"
_________
"NYAAA!!" NukuNuku cried as she sat up from her futon. She breathed
heavily out of habit, more than nessecity. "Bad dream, bad dream bad
dream, NO!" she yelled again leaping from her futon. She ran into the
foyer/kitchen/dining room area to find Papa-san sitting in front of his
computer. she inspected the stove carefully, finding no pot of any kind
on it.
Kyusaku watched with facination as NukuNuku half dissected the stove as
if she were looking for something. "What is wrong?"
"Where?" she yelped. "Where is Eimi?"
"Getting school supplies for Monday. Why?" As if on cue, Eimi opened the
door, wearing a small skirt and sweatshirt, with a duffle bag slung over
her shoulder, and a tennis racket in a leather binding. "Why speak of
the devil."
"Eimi-chan?" she said, apprehensively.
"What are you looking at?" Eimi snapped.
"Whatcha got there with the money I gave you?" Kyusaku asked, turning
away from his computer.
"Oh, yeah. I got a bunch of language books, some supplies and gym
clothes." She patted the duffle bag contentedly.
"What's with the racket?"
"Oh yeah!" she exclaimed, pulling the leather harness off of the net. "I
got it so I could join one of those after school clubs."
"New rackets are expensive."
"Yeah I know. This one is used. Real old. Strung with Cat Gut!"
*CRASH*
Both Eimi and Kyusaku turned with a sweat drop to see a NukuNuku shaped
hole in the wall, NukuNuku's scream still resounding even as she ran.
FIN
--
Matthew Trotter <trotter@bobcat.tamu-commerce.edu>
--
Surreal World MMX
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
He rushed through the dense undergrowth and dove into the prickly
looking brush to his left. It hurt like hell. Normally he would have
avoided pain, but when there are fifty lunatics with spears, darts and
magic returning sticks behind you, you look for a place no sane person
would choose to hide in. Rincewind speculated that if he kept particularly
still he would be able to remain in the bush indefinitely. That was
obviously a bonus as the lunatics seemed to be searching the area
carefully. They did seem to be avoiding the brush he was concealed in,
he was trying not to determine if this might be a bad thing...he had
quite enough bad things in the past few....well most of his life
actually. He wasn't sure why these little buggers were so mad at him, but
apparently they had some kind of grudge against potatoes[1]...he was glad
he hadn't mentioned butter...
Rincewind was just beginning to get the hang of not moving at all when
he noticed that the brush around him was moving. This was probably not a
good thing, so he carefully looked around to see which bit of him was
doing the moving.
The good news was it was not him moving. That was of course the bad
news as well. The lunatics outside were yelling something about baked
potatoes. Rincewind decided that there was no way he was going to be in
the brush if it was going to start being sentient. That was far from
being in a safe place, it was probably safer with the potato haters out
side.
The potato haters weren't even looking at the brush, which was good
for Rincewind, as he had just jumped out of the brush. They were looking
at a plain white door bearing the name Rincewind in large red letters,
this was probably bad for Rincewind, who had noted long ago that doors
hanging in thin air (or even thick air) are normally not the kind of place
you are want to explore.
Potato hater 1, "Mashed Potatoes!"
Potato hater 2, "Chives!"
Potato hater 3, "Sour Cream!"
Rincewind tried, "Melted Butter?"
The potato haters looked shocked, then the look changed to anger,
then terror. Rincewind wasn't like normal heroes. In fact Rincewind
had long ago taken every precaution to prevent becoming a hero. He
doubted very much that the potato haters were looking at him in terror.
It had to be something behind him. There was only one thing behind him,
and that was the brush.
It would have looked comical, the way the brush was perched on top of
the creatures head, if the creature hadn't been forty feet high with
teeth the size of an arm. Rincewind evaluated the situation, there was
one great bloody beast, forty angry potato haters and a door to who knew
where, with his name on it. No sane person would ever go for the door.
--------
[1] Many of Disc World's most prominent linguists had noted that most
languages are created to communicate basic needs or desires. Typically
these languages evolved into something convoluted and rather
pointless. When choosing new words for a language most races on the
Disc choose inauspicious words from neiboring tribes and attach vile
meanings to them. This makes intertribal relations quite exciting and
helps promote wars to stimulate the economy.
-----------------------------------------------
"Target one acquired, sir."
"Excellent. Chagrin, how are the rest of the acquisitions proceeding?"
"As planned, sir."
"Zulveria, are the cameras operational?"
"They are all active, and five and six are now tracking the wizard."
"Roll the credits and start the intro."
-----------------------------------------------
One-Year-Late Productions brings you
A Rumormonger Press release of
A Matthew Trotter Fanfic
The Surreal World
MMX
Various Dimensionally Cross Linked Locations
"See what happens when anime stops
being nice and starts being surreal."
-----------------------------------------------
Ataru sat at his desk and looked at the list. The list was a first
for him. It was a list of all the things that could go wrong while Lum
was away. Well, Ataru was only looking at volume six, but the thought
was there. It appeared, if he'd read the list correctly, that everything
in the world could go wrong. It was actually comforting to have that
little to worry about.[1] Now he could begin to think about how to avoid
some of the normal trouble.
1> Get an apartment.
2> Don't tell anyone I'm moving.
3> Get a job to pay for the apartment.
Damn. Everything had been looking good until number three. It was
just too much work. Why couldn't he get an apartment for free?
"ATARU! MAIL!"
--------
[1] Ataru's list of everything that could go wrong while Lum was there is
available in a lovely forty volume collectors edition, for the low low
price of $27.95. (per volume)
-----------------------------------------------
Ranma walked slowly, no one was going to follow him after that last
out burst. He could hardly believe that he had finally told off all his
fiancees at once. They were all off his back. It felt good to be free.
Well, there was this nagging voice telling him that he shouldn't have made
Akane cry. But he could ignore that till he found somewhere else to live.
Ranma spotted a public restroom, he wanted to take a look in a mirror
and see if his face was as bruised up as it felt. It was much cooler in
the restroom than outside, which was nice, but it had that bathroom
smell. The smell of strong antiseptic that says, trust me, you don't
want to know what odor I'm masking.
As he looked in the mirror, Ranma wondered why he had bothered. Akane
had booted him across Nermia without consequence before...why would he
get a bruise today? Well, he did need to make a good impression on a new
landlord...a movement caught Ranma's eye.
There was a long haired man standing behind him in the mirror. His
hair was an ashy blond and he wore blue jeans and a T-shirt. There was
something suspicious about him[2], but Ranma couldn't pin it down. The
man reached for him, and Ranma spun on heel.
"Uh, could you hand me one of those paper towels please?"
Ranma sometimes hated having cat like reflexes...you looked like you
were permanently wired or something...Ranma reached up and pulled out a
towel. There was an envelope stuck to it. The envelope bore his name.
In big red letters. They were the kind of big red letters that said,
"Hi, I'm the letter that will take you on a mystical quest to far away
lands in search of adventure and excitement!" Ranma tossed the letter in
the garbage. He needed an apartment, not an adventure.
"Should I ask why you threw that letter away?"
"No," Ranma pulled out another towel, it also had a letter with his
name on it, this time it was written in smudged blue ink. It was the
kind of ink that was used on letters that contained phrases like, "Amount
due", "Late fee" and "No Refund". Ranma threw the letter in the
garbage. He didn't even have an apartment yet, he didn't want a late
rent fee...
"Man, your landlords good."
"I don't have a landlord."
"Whoa, precog...remind me not to live where ever your going to."
Ranma eyed the towel dispenser and decided to risk it, the next towel
had a letter on it too, it was addressed to Trotter. Ranma looked at the
man behind him, "You?"
"Thanks," Trotter appeared to read the letter for a moment, "man, I'm
getting a B in computer architecture next semester."
"That's it, I'm leaving."
After another ten minutes of aimless meandering Ranma decided he
wanted to get an apartment somewhere nice. Maybe the ones he was walking
next to, they were nice. He looked at the letter again, and decided to
see what i..t....ha.d .. ..to...s...a.y...didn't he throw this letter
away once already?[1]
--------
[1] For those of you who are just joining us, yes, Ranma had thrown the
letter away. But this isn't just any letter, its a cheap plot
device, and as we all know, you can't escape the plot that easily.
[2] Hi Mom!
-----------------------------------------------
Congratulations! You have just won a free all expenses paid apartment!
You will share it with seven other people. All repair, all remodeling,
all apartment costs will be paid for you! Your only expense is food and
transport!
Come immediately to:
666 Demoncourt Dr.
Take a left now, that means you.
-----------------------------------------------
Ranma looked to the left. There was a big sign. It said:
WELCOME RANMA SAOTOME AND ATARU MORIBOSHI
Demoncourt Apartments
666 Demoncourt Drive
"Wow! A big welcome sign and everything!"
Ranma looked behind him. There was a big idiot. It said:
"Hey your not Ranma are you? I'm Ataru!"
"Do you know anything about this place?"
"No . . . but its free!!! That means no job! And best of all no Lum!"
"What...is a Lum?"
"She thinks she's my wife."
"You too?"
"You have women troubles?"
"Do I ever..."
-----------------------------------------------
Rincewind pressed the button on the magic box and the vision changed.
It showed a run down hallway. Into this ran a man and a dog. Behind
them was an evil looking apparition. Rincewind pressed the button a few
more times. Now the magic box showed what looked to be a beach filled
with Amazon women in skimpy clothing. It seemed somehow familiar.
The closet door opened and shut. Rincewind casually looked that
direction as he dove over the couch for cover. There was a man and a
dog. They looked vaguely familiar.
"I think we lost it Scoob."
"Ruh roh."
"What's the problem....say Scoob, weren't we just in a creepy old house
a few minutes ago?"
"Rats right."
"And now we're in a nice looking house with, ZOIKS! Look at that!"
"Rabe Ratch!"
"I didn't know they made bikinis that small!"
Rincewind thought it over. A scruffy looking man and a big yellow
dog. They came out of the closet. That was a strike against them. They
did appear to be fleeing someone or something. That was a point in their
favor. They were now engrossed in the magic box. Rincewind decided to
risk a look. They were definitely the two from the magic box. That meant
there was an evil apparition in the closet. The man looked at him.
"ZOIKS!!!! Its a wizard Scoob! Lets beat it!"
That was something Rincewind was more accustomed to. Most people said
that when they saw him. Rincewind turned and ran for the terrace. He
figured he could get out the door and over the fence before those two
could get close.
-----------------------------------------------
Shaggy knew trouble when he saw it. And he had long ago developed a
highly efficient defense mechanism for dealing with trouble. He ran for
the nearest exit.
Scooby knew trouble when he saw it, or when Shaggy saw it, or when any
one at all raised any kind of alarm at all. He had a good defense
mechanism in a viscous snarl and big sodding teeth. Unfortunately it had
never occurred to him that he could use his teeth for anything except eating,
so he had adopted his masters preferred defense mechanism. Run like
hell. Scooby threw himself bodily through the door, as Shaggy opened
it. He got as far as the guy in a red shirt before skidding to a halt.
Shaggy looked at the two guys in the doorway, they looked pretty
normal. The guy in red looked kinda tough, he might actually want to
fight the wizzard. Wait a minute....wizard only has z in it. That guys
hat had two Z's.
"Excuse me, is this the right apartment for the contest," asked red.
"Contest?"
"Ronrest?"
"The all expenses paid apartment. Hey, who's the guy in the dress
going out the back door," asked blue looking over reds shoulder.
Shaggy looked behind him. The guy with 'wizzard' on his hat was rushing
out the back door. Hmmmm...no his brain couldn't deal with the thought
of a wizard not wanting to terrorize them. He needed a Scooby snack and
a chance to think this over.
-----------------------------------------------
The back door slammed shut. Ranma looked at Ataru. Ataru shrugged.
The unkempt looking guy at the door waved them in.
"Like, I don't know anything about any contest, but you can come in if
you want. I gotta warn you, this place is weird."
Ranma and Ataru shared the look of people who had lived in Nermia ward
for more than, say, a minute and a half.
"No problem. I'm Ranma and this is Ataru."
Ataru waved.
"Hi, I'm Shaggy and this is my dog Scooby Doo. We were about to raid
the fridge, you guys want anything before its all gone?"
Ataru smiled, "I hope we have a microwave...I can't cook."
"Ricrorave?"
"Like, my thoughts exactly Scoob, what's a microwave?"
Ranma watched them go into the kitchen. So this was his new home. As
the kitchen door shut a strange silence descended. It was the kind of
silence with out angry shouts. Without midnight challenges. It was the
silence of being alone. Ranma began to wonder if maybe he should have
given Akane one more chance...then he thought of all the times he got
beat up for "attacking" P-Chan. Ranma smiled, and wondered what was on
TV. There was a flash of light from the back yard and the sound of
distant gun fire. The back door slammed open and the guy in the robe and
pointed hat ran back in. He looked a somewhat cinged, and was smoking
just a bit. He slammed the door and looked at Ranma.
"Smurfs! There are militant Smurfs on the terrace!"
OK, that didn't seem normal...in fact, it did stray towards the weird
side of things. Still he wasn't engaged to any of the Smurfs, so that
seemed OK. He decided to try acting like there was nothing wrong.
"Hi, I'm Ranma Saotome of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts."
"The Anything Goes School? Aren't they the ones cursed with the fate
of the fighting fiancees?"
Ranma opened his mouth to deny that, then he thought about it, "Probably."
The man in the robe eyed him suspiciously, then looked at the fish tank
on the table behind the couch, "oh bugger."
"What?"
"Snorks."[1]
This was getting out of hand. Who ever this guy was...Ranma's train
of thought derailed as the front door opened. There were two women
standing in the door. One was average height, with red hair and a tight
spandex riding suit. The other was short, with red hair a pink heart
shirt and RED shoes. The shoes were blindingly red. If you looked up
red in a dictionary there would have been a picture of these shoes.
"So this is the dump they're putting us up in," suit.
"What," asked shoes looking around, "I'm not supposed to be here, I
was just talking..."
Suit shrugged, "Whatever," she looked at Ranma, "Hi, I'm Priss. You
living here too?"
--------
[1] Unbeknownst to Ranma, but beknownst to Rincewind, is the fact that
Smurfs and Snorks have been at war for generations. They have been
bitter rivals since the great rating wars in the 80s. The Smurfs are
by far more bitter than the Snorks, but they go great with white wine.[2]
[2] At least according to the evil wizards hand book, chapter 3, page 35.
-----------------------------------------------
[Ranma] Yeah. I'm Ranma Saotome, and this is...
[Rincewind] <looking around> Oh, me? I'm nobody, forget you ever saw me.
[Priss] <shrugs>This is Emotion.
[Ataru] <from out of shot> Pretty lady!!! <Rushes in and gloms on to
Priss>
-----------------------------------------------
Akane snapped the TV off.
"Hey, I was watching that."
Akane glared at Nabiki. So did Ukyo. And Shampoo. And Kodachi.
Akane was almost shaking with rage. After making some big speech about
needing freedom from all of his fiancees Ranma would go out and get a job
on some pervert TV show.
-----------------------------------------------
Lum snapped the TV off.
"Hey, I was watching that."
Lum glared at Ten. She was gone for one day and her Darling was
already on some pervert TV show...WITH OTHER WOMEN!!!!!!!! Darling was
going to PAY!!!
-----------------------------------------------
Nene tried to stop laughing, "Lina! Lina, come here you have to see
the place Priss is staying in now!"
Lina rushed into the room trying to balance a large bowl of popcorn
and two drinks, she got one good look at the scene on the TV and lost it.
-----------------------------------------------
The Chancellor looked at the magic viewing portal and then at the
arrayed faculty, "This is where that Rincewind chap went to?"
"Apparently, Chancellor."
"Do you think we can call him back with Vengor's Viscous Call?"
"I think so, sir."
"Good. He looks just the part to deal with this dragon problem we're
having."
-----------------------------------------------
Velma snapped off the TV.
"Hey, I was watching that."
Velma glared at Dafney. So did Fred.
"Well, I was..."
"Fred, what are we going to do with a van load of Scooby snacks?"
"I'll tell you what we're going to do, we're going to find that punk
Hippie and Ram them down his throat."
"Ooooo Fred, I like the way you said Ram."
"Shut Up Dafney."
-----------------------------------------------
"Sarcasm..."
"Yes, Fellowship."
"Did that look like Emotion on the TV just now?"
"Lets examine the facts. The girl on TV looks just like Emotion,
sounds just like Emotion and has the same name as Emotion. I'm gonna
have to say no. No, I think its just a coincidence."
-----------------------------------------------
Tune in next week for more of the Surreal World: MCXIIIV
Various Dimensionally Cross Linked Locations.
<cut scene shows Rincewind on the far left of the couch. He looks to be
cinged and the tip of his hat is still on fire.>
[Rincewind] Damn dragon.
<pan right to show Shaggy, he also appears cinged>
[Shaggy] Damn Smurfs.
<pan right to show Scooby, his fur is blackened in places and he is
covered in seaweed>
[Scooby] Ramn rorks.
<Pan right to show Ataru, he has perfected the extra crispy look.>
[Ataru] Damn Lum.
<Pan right to the end of the couch to show Ranma, he looks well beaten.>
[Ranma] Damn fiancees.
Next on the Ten Spot Road Rules visits the Hidden fortress of Vega an
international criminal and master of the dark psycho power...
This fic is for White Wolf,
I hope its what you wanted...
-MJT
This revisions for Foxtrot,
thanks for the advice...
-MJT
--
Nicholas Leifker <stormwalker@airmail.net>
--
Washuu and Urd sat in a booth at Akie's one fine afternoon, enjoying the
fine coffee the establishment served and watching their surroundings.
Soaps and other distractions were done an hour ago, leaving the two to
their most favorite pastime.
Meddling.
In this case, the target of their misguided affections was working three
tables over, dutifully writing a young couple's order down. The
hoydenish redhead seemed so pretty in her pink-and-white waitress
uniform, a far cry from the Mandarin outfits she usually preferred. Urd
pondered this problem as she sipped her coffee, plots of playing
matchmaker flying through her mind.
"So, Urd. What'cha thinking about?"
The goddess sighed. Washuu could be somewhat grating at times; she may
be one of the most brilliant mortals in existence, but a goddess she
wasn't. "Oh, just thinking about Ranko..."
"You mean how she always dresses like a boy when she's off-duty, and
seems to emulate Ranma just a bit too much?" Washuu smiled.
Urd nodded in mild frustration. "Look at her. She's beautiful. Most
girls would kill to look like that. And what does she do? Tries to
hide it behind this tomboy act." She shook her head. "I've done
everything I could think of, even so far as to throw her clothes out
while she's on-duty, but nothing's worked."
Washuu nodded, a mad glint coming to her eyes. "So... you want to
encourage Ranko to act more like a girl, huh? I think I could come up
with something... You wanna come down to my lab? I'm going to need an
extra hand with this."
*******
"So... what do you think we should do? Total personality switch,
subliminal messages, dream influence... what?" Washuu looked hard at
the goddess, wondering her opinion.
Urd shrugged. "Well, we don't want to wipe her mind entirely. We want
this to be the same Ranko... just one who likes to act like a girl."
The mad scientist frowned. "The dream influence would be best, I
think. It would induce her to dream longer, more often... and about
whatever we would program for her to dream.
"What... you mean she'd dream the same thing every night?"
"Of course not!" Washuu seemed almost indignant. "All it would do is
give her the pieces - say, dressing up, going on a date with the most
handsome guy she knows, and enjoying every minute of it. The rest would
be up to
her. Within a week, she'll want to live that dream so badly that it'd
be difficult for her to act any other way. Sound good?"
Urd nodded. The two sat down next to the computer, and went to work.
*******
The next day, the diabolical duo met again, at the same table, though
their demeanor was far different. Urd was looking at Ranko like a tiger
would an unsuspecting gazelle, while Washuu positively glowed with
delight.
"Now, time to implement 'Operation: Petticoat'." Washuu placed a small
box on the table, and raised her hand. "Oh, Ranko!"
"Hai!" The redhead finished her order, and walked over to their table.
"What would you like?"
Urd looked distracted for a moment. "Oh, I'll take the Caesar salad...
and a coffee. How about you, Washuu?"
Washuu smiled, and opened the box. "I'll take just a coffee, thanks."
She smiled as the fly inside flew around for a moment, trying to catch
its bearings.
Ranko wrote the orders down quickly, said her goodbyes, and ran to the
back before the fly could catch her.
"Damn. Didn't get her." Urd was seriously disappointed. Washuu just
smiled, and waved her finger in the air.
"Don't worry, Urd. It'll find her; it's triggered to look for her
specific body aura. Even if she smashes it, the nanotech will go into
her system. It's all a matter of time."
"And if someone else smashes it?" Urd raised an artfully-curved
eyebrow.
"Then they have a big problem."
*******
Ranma sat in a back corner of the restaurant, taking a moment to nurse
her hurting feet. For the life of her, she wondered why in the world
women would wear shoes that were so clumsy and uncomfortable that it was
almost impossible to even walk. She rubbed the tired soles, reveling in
the pleasure-pain feel of it, grateful for the fact that she had only
another hour before she was off. Then she could get out of this stupid
outfit, go home, and forget about the day.
She heard the intruder before she saw it, a small buzzing in the back of
her ear that sent her nerves on edge. She looked around, ready to smash
the bug into little pieces. Fortunately for her, her adversary decided
to make a move first.
"Ranko-chaaaaannnnnnn......" Ataru jumped out of his hiding place, ready
to give his brand of affection to the young waitress. He never made it;
Ranma's right hook sent him flying through the wall. She looked at the
hole the young lecher made, then at the fist she used to send him
through.
"(sigh) I have _got_ to introduce him to Happousai sometime." She shook
her head, wincing at the thought of a team-up between the two, then went
to put her heels back on. She had to be back at work before the manager
saw her.
*******
That night, Ranma slept peacefully, smiling as he went through his
dreams. For some strange reason, Ataru did the same.
*******
Washuu frowned as she worked at her computer. Two weeks had gone by,
and nothing had happened in Ranko's life. She was still wearing those
_ugly_ outfits, talking and acting like a guy, and thoroughly avoiding
any feminine behavior. It was enough to make her wonder...
The door chimed, announcing a visitor. Washuu's hair stood on end when
she noticed who it was. She smiled, and turned to face him.
"Hello, Ranma. What brings you into my domain?"
The martial artist looked positively sheepish. "Um... Washuu-sama... I
have a favor to ask of you."
Washuu frowned. She hated being referred to as though she was an old
lady. "What is it you wish to ask of me?"
Ranma shuffled his feet. "I... heard from Urd that you're one of the
finest scientists out there. I dunno if you can help me, but if anyone
can..."
"Out with it, Ranma," Washuu spat. "If you don't tell me what's wrong,
how can I help you?"
"I... I have this... curse."
"A curse?" Outwardly, all the scientist did was raise an eyebrow.
Inwardly, she was singing.
"Yeah." Ranma scratched the back of his head. "You see, about a year
or two ago, my father took me to China to train. We came across this
training ground... and I fell in one of the springs there. Now,
whenever I get splashed with cold water, I... change."
Washuu smirked. This was getting better and better! "What do you
change into?"
"A... agrl."
"Huh? I didn't quite catch that."
"A girl, alright? I turn into a flippin' girl! Ever wonder why 'Ranko'
always dresses like me?"
"Oh my..." For once, Washuu was speechless. "You mean to say that
_you're_ Ranko?"
"Yeah. Humiliating, isn't it?" Ranma glared at her for a moment.
"Ever since, my life's been so crazy... the fiancees wanting to marry
me, the guys wanting to kill me or date with me or both, my mom wanting
her son to be a "manly man" while wanting 'Ranko' to be more feminine...
I can't take it any more. Please... help me."
Ranma thought about running when he saw the malicious glint in Washuu's
eye. "I'll help you, Ranma. But first, we're going to have to perform
a full physical, to see what this 'curse' really does. There will also
be one other condition for this."
"Yes, Washuu-sama?"
Washuu almost growled. "From now on, call me Washuu-CHAN." She flashed
a cute-girl smile at the martial artist. "Okay?"
Ranma facefaulted.
*****
Ranma ran along the fences, reveling in life, perhaps tasting a feel of
womanhood for the last time. After tests which seemed out of some mad
scientists' lab (which, in a strange way, made sense), Washuu had
promised her a cure once she got home from work that night. She was
still a female today for a reason: Ranko had to say goodbye before
disappearing forever.
She instantly noticed something wrong when she walked in the door.
They'd apparently hired on a new waitress, a long-haired brunette with
curves to die for. If she didn't already have enough problems with
women... she put that thought out of her mind. She walked back into the
office, and shut the door.
"Hello, Ranko. What can I do for you?"
For once, Ranma looked sheepish. She didn't really want to give up this
job; however, the curse had caused far more problems than blessings, and
she was ready to be rid of it. "Sir... I'm sorry, but I have to quit...
effective at the end of the day."
The hawk-nosed manager raised an eyebrow. "Is there a reason why?"
She was, for a mischievous moment, tempted to tell the truth, then
thought better. "Sir... I'm not well right now. I'm seeking treatment
for a rare disease, and the treatment would force me away from work."
"I see. Well, it's a good thing I hired a new waitress. I'd like you
to train her and show her the ropes today, if you could." He opened the
door, and walked out into the restaurant.
"Akari, could you come here for a moment?" He motioned to the new
waitress, who turned around at his call.
Ranma, quite literally, couldn't believe her eyes. The woman before her
was a few inches shorter than Ataru, and had curves too real to fake...
but there was no mistaking "him". The girl gave a polite bow, and
flashed a cute smile at her. "Hi. I'm Akari Moroboshi, Ataru's
sister. Nice to meet you."
Ranma fainted.
And somewhere, in a quiet coffee place staffed by a beautiful brunette,
Urd smiled. For once, all was right with the world. Now if she could
only fix up Kyosuke with the waitress there...
***
--
Zen <databank@mindspring.com>
--
Divine Intervention
*** O_o ***
Ranma swore again. At this rate, Akane was never going to trust him. It
was just so damned unfair! He hadn't asked for any of this! It wasn't his
fault! But no matter what happened, Akane always seemed to find a way to
blame *him*.
Ranma trotted over to the next post location. He'd taken on a small job
that weekend setting fence posts around the perimeter of a local estate.
He'd hoped that he might earn enough pocket money to maybe take Akane out
on a date.
The date idea, though, had fallen through. Ranma had heard that Akane was
still mad at him for moving into a house full of strange women. It hadn't
helped that she had seen Urd and Nuku on the TV. But her attitude was more
than Ranma could stand. Simply put, no matter how many times he had fought
for her, no matter how many times he had faced death to protect her, no
matter how many times he had done the impossible just to keep her safe, she
didn't have any faith in him. Where was the justice in that?
Still, he had committed to the job, and there were always uses for the
money. Snarling to himself, Ranma picked up the fence-post and proceeded
to set it in the ground. The treated timbers were a little ungainly, three
meters in length, and twenty five centimeters square, but Ranma was finding
the job surprisingly easy. He glanced over toward a large tree against
which a sledge hammer, a pick, and a shovel were leaning. Idly he wondered
what they were for.
**** O_O ****
At six that evening, Ranma rang the bell at his employer's door. He was
admitted by a servant, and asked to wait in the foyer whilst the master was
summoned. The hallway was tasteful in its elegance, decorated with a stark
simplicity that Ranma found oddly satisfying. He had led a spartan life
himself, and while he liked to have things, he was not as impressed by
baubles and possessions for their own sakes.
Noting the calligraphy that hung on the wall in the alcove, Ranma smiled.
You had to respect a man who welcomed others into his home with a quote
from Sun Tzu.
"Aaah, young man," the voice of the elderly man startled Ranma somewhat.
He moved very quietly for one of his advanced years. He turned to see the
old man smiling at him. "And what time should I expect to see you back
tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow?" Ranma asked, confused.
"To set the rest of the posts."
"You have *more* of them?"
The man blinked owlishly and looked at Ranma over his glasses. "My boy,
there are over one hundred and twenty of those posts that need to be set."
Ranma nodded. "Yes sir. One hundred twenty seven, that I found. All are
in the marked places, set to two meters, just like you said."
"You have set them *all*?"
"Yes sir."
"This I must see. If what you say is true, I shall pay you twice the
agreed amount!"
Together they left the house to survey Ranma's work. The old man gazed
about, a look of pure astonishment on his features. Each and every post
was in its proper position, and ramrod straight. "I don't believe it!" he
gasped.
Ranma shrugged. "I don't see why not. It was an easy job."
A gentle laugh. "Please forgive an old man his skepticism, my boy. Good
workers are so hard to find these days. Come and I will pay you for your
labours." The old man headed back toward the house with Ranma following.
A note of amusement crept into his voice as he continued. "Just one thing.
When I said 'set them at two meters', I meant for you to set them with two
meters of their length *above* the ground."
Ranma looked sheepish. "Oh."
**** O_O ****
Mamoru lounged on one of the sofas, reading a newspaper, while Kyousuke sat
on the other, wiping down one of his telephoto lenses with a special cloth.
Kyousuke's gadget bag occupied a spot on the floor, and his equipment
littered the top of the the coffee table. On the floor opposite Kyousuke,
Ranma did stretching exercises.
As Ranma finished his warmups and began the next set of stretches, Ataru
meandered in.
"Hey, what're you doin' here?" the pervert asked. "I thought you were
gonna take out that fiancee of yours..."
Ranma grimaced. "Naw... she's ticked at me again. I sure don't need that
kind of aggravation."
"Well, then, why doncha ask out someone else?"
"You have *got* to be kidding me. Besides, who would I ask?"
"Well, you got three other fiancees..."
"DON'T remind me... and it's TWO other fiancees." Ranma appeared to
consider it for a moment. "Nahh... if I ask any of them, Akane really
*will* kill me. She's always so angry - that'd drive her over the edge."
"You know... I don't understand that..." Ataru mused. "I mean, why does
she get so upset about that if she doesn't want to marry you in the first
place?"
Ranma sighed. "Damned if I know."
"Well, there *are* other girls... You could always ask that cute
red-headed waitress from Akie's."
"What, you mean Nuku Nuku?"
"Naw, the *other* one... that really hot red-head with the pig-tail." A
note of jealousy crept into Ataru's voice. "She's got it for you bad..."
Ranma looked nervous. "What makes you say that?"
"Well, for one thing," chimed in Kyousuke, still cleaning his lenses,
"she's always sneaking into your room in the evenings."
"She... she is?" Ranma paled.. "You're imagining things."
Kyousuke grinned. "Nope - got proof." From a pocket on his camera bag, he
flipped a couple of photographs onto the table. The pictures were of
Ranma-chan, still dressed in her Akie's uniform, skulking in through
Ranma's second floor window.
Looking at the incriminating photographs, Ranma sighed. "I gotta introduce
you to Nabiki. The two of you would get along just great."
Grabbing one of the snaps, a lecherous grin spread across Ataru's face.
"Why, you *sly* dog, you!"
Ranma gulped. "Really! It's not like that!"
"Suuure, it's not," Ataru winked conspiratorially. "Don't worry, man. We
won't tell anyone. Eh, Kyousuke?"
"Our lips are sealed," agreed the esper.
Ranma thought fast. "Really! Look, guys... ya see... she's my cousin."
"Your cousin?"
"Yah. Her name's Ranko. She's got no place to go, so I let her crash in
my room at nights. It's only until she can find a place of her own... I
couldn't just toss her out on the street, ya know?"
Ataru leered and said, "Hey, man, just tell her she can stay in *my* room.
I'll take care of her!"
"I don't *think* so," growled Ranma.
"Why not?" whined the lecher. "You got all those other girls chasing after
you! You don't have to be so selfish!"
"Hey! Now that wasn't *my* idea! I didn't ask for any of them!"
"You're telling me," Ataru's tone was disbelieving, "that you have all
these gorgeous women chasing after you, and you *don't* like it?"
"It's really not so great," Ranma said miserably. "I mean I guess it's
flattering and all, but it's a lot more trouble than fun. Believe me."
Ataru thought about that for a moment. "Oddly enough, I do. I can see
your point," he said at last. "Things got crazier since Lum came around,
but they sure aren't any more *fun*..."
Ranma nodded. "Crazy is the word all right. And everyone wants to take it
out on *me*. Akane hits me when she thinks I've done something wrong,
which is pretty much all the time... Ryouga and Kunou want to pound me for
mistreating Akane - Mousse wants to hit me for stealing his girl... There
just doesn't seem to be an end to it. No one wants to be my *friend*."
"Yeah... I know what you mean..." said Ataru in a quiet voice. And I
thought I was the only one."
Ranma looked at Ataru curiously, waiting for him to elaborate. When Ataru
remained uncharacteristically silent, he prompted, "Oh?"
Shaking himself out of his sudden lassitude Ataru smiled weakly. "Yup.
Lum zaps me every time I even *look* at another girl, Shinobu does the same
thing, Megane and his crowd beat me up if I make Lum cry, and do worse when
I try to make her happy. Then there's Mendou... believe me, I know just
what you're going through."
"I doubt that," muttered Ranma under his breath. Aloud he said, "Sorry to
hear it."
Mamoru finished reading his newspaper, got up and headed for the stairs.
On the way, he tossed a section of the paper to Ranma. "Here. This might
do you two some good," he said. He walked off shaking his head sadly.
"And I thought *I* had relationship problems..."
Ranma looked at the paper and frowned. There was an ad circled in the
classifieds. Over his shoulder, Ataru read out loud; "Support group for
victims of domestic abuse - Meets every other Monday, Nerima Civic Centre.
Call for more information."
Ranma and Ataru looked at each other for a long moment. "Naaaah," they
said in unison.
Ataru shrugged. "I could take the rest of it, if my parents didn't hate me."
Thinking back to his father, and his 'unique' training methods, and to the
mother that he would likely never see again as a man, Ranma shuddered.
"Man, *don't* get me started on parents." He paused for a moment.
"Cripes, this is depressing. Let's go to the kitchen and snaffle some
grub."
"I'm for that," Ataru said, brightening. The pair headed through the door,
and toward the refrigerator. "Look, Ranma... If you want *my* advice, you
need to get away from this violent fiancee of yours..." Ataru's voice
sounded hollow as he rooted among the bottles and containers in the icebox.
"You're tough, man, but you're not indestructible. If she doesn't
understand you, the hell with her!"
"Understand me? I'll say she doesn't understand me -she keeps calling me a
freak, and a pervert. It's not like I can help it, or nothing! She's just
so unfair!"
"Exactly! Just because I like girls doesn't make me a pervert! And you're
not either!" Ataru stood up and passed Ranma a bottle of root beer. "You
gotta stand up for yourself, man! Tell her to sod off! You don't need her
if she doesn't want you, right?"
"Well..."
"Oh come on. There's that Chinese girl that you were talking about... She
seems like a good bet."
"Shampoo?"
"Yeah, that's the one. She loves ya, right? The way she's always glomping
on to you..."
Ranma looked uncertain... "I dunno. Maybe she does. But I ain't too sure.
I can never tell what she's really thinking."
"Well then, go with your *first* fiancee... the okonomiyaki cook; what did
ya say her name was?"
"What, you mean Ucchan?"
At the mention of 'Ucchan', Urd, who had been sitting at the kitchen table
fiddling with a piece of jewelry, perked up. "He's got a point," she piped
up. "From what you've said, she at least, *wants* to marry you!"
Ranma snorted. "With the exception of Akane, they *all* do that..."
"Ranma, look at me."
Ranma found himself getting lost in the depth of the the most incredible
pair of eyes he'd ever seen. Urd smiled at him and her voice became almost
hypnotic. It seemed to carry a special undercurrent, an urgency that
pounded against his awareness like thunder.
"After all," she was saying, "isn't this 'Ukyou' your best friend?"
"Yah, she is that, but..."
"And hasn't she been there for you every time you needed a friend?" Urd
interrupted.
"Yah, but..."
"And does she try and beat you up all the time like the others?"
"No, not *all* the time, but..."
"And she's fed you when you were hungry?"
"Yah, but..."
"And has she ever tried to drug you?"
"No, but..."
"And you think that she's cute, right?"
"Yah, but..."
"But what?" pressed the platinum haired goddess. "It sure sounds like love
to me."
Ranma had nothing to say to that. After waiting for the throbbing in his
head to clear a bit, and a few moments of intense consideration, he asked,
"Do you really think so? I mean... I've never really thought of her in
quite that way before..."
Urd's tone was low... compelling. "Then isn't it about time you did? The
girl has given you ten years of ehr life. That's proof enough for anyone,
wouldn't you say?"
"I guess so, but..." Ranma trailed off, lost in thought. What Urd had
said made sense. He wondered why he'd never seen it before. It was all so
obvious now. All it had taken was someone to put it in perspective for
him. Still, though, there was a last vestige of doubt in his mind. "Are
you sure...?"
Urd flashed Ranma her most winning smile. "Of course I'm sure! Trust me!
I'm the go... This sort of thing is my specialty!"
Ranma thought about that, before coming to a decision. "Maybe you're
right!" he said, slamming a fist into his open hand. "I'll do it. If I'm
gonna marry someone, it darned well ought to be someone who wants to marry
me! When we get out of this place, I'll grab Ucchan, and it'll be
'Sayonara Akane!'"
Ataru grinned at him and said, "There. You see? Feel better now?"
"You bet!" said Ranma. "Thanks, Urd. Thanks a lot!"
As Ranma bounced out of the kitchen Urd sighed to herself. Looking at a
crumpled card in her hand, she muttered quietly, "Well. *That* was an easy
assignment. Enjoy your wish, young lady!" Urd tossed the card away as she
headed for her room.
It read, "Ucchan's Okonomiyaki Ya"
*** O_O ***
Epilogue:
"Well, what do you know... I win again."
"You cheated!"
"I did not!"
"It was a rotten trick! You're supposed to be the 'good' one!"
The goddess smiled serenely across the game table.. She was lovely, dressed
simply in a blue wraparound tunic and dark slacks, an almost masculine
outfit that did nothing to hide her stunning figure. Her long, brown hair
was tied back with a large, white ribbon. The blue diamond on her forehead
matched the colour of her eyes, which flashed with amusement. "Really,
now, you know better than that. It was a perfecly legal move!"
Her companion, was a slender but muscular demon with short dark hair. The
brief yellow robe that she wore emphasized the athletic trim of her thighs,
and the loose sash allowed it to hang open at the front. It covered her
firm breasts enough to meet the requirements of decency, but only just.
She would have been cute, if it weren't for the angry expression that
twisted her features.
"It was not! It was Divine Intervention!" she snarled back angrily. "He
was *mine*!"
"Oh please!" the goddess retorted. "You're just being a sore loser!
Remember the last game? I was winning that one, 'til you KILLED him!"
"Huh! I *still* say that using another Goddess was cheating!"
"Uhmmm... Excuse me..." said a timid voice.
"What do YOU want?" both goddess and demon snarled at the newcomer.
Newcomers. There were two of them, a goddess with long purple hair, and a
tight silk dress that left nothing to the imagination, and another demon in
a black body suit with a floral motif.
"Hey! You don't have to get *that* worked up over it! We just wanted to
know if we could join in the next game!"
"Oh, what the hell," said the first demon. "Pull up some chairs. Ucchan,
if you'll reset the board, I'll go get us all some drinks and make us a few
snacks."
The goddess smiled and started to agree when a thought struck her. "Tell
you what, Akane-chan... YOU set up the board, and I'LL make the snacks this
time."
EOF.
Zen no Itan-sha
--
Sapphire <sapphire@uclink.berkeley.edu>
--
Mihoshi's Visit
===============
by Sapphire The Blue Tigress
(safyr@juno.com)
A parody of the fanfic, The Surreal World.
***
[Holding a basket, Mihoshi knocks on the front door of a nice-looking
house.]
*knock* *knock*
M: Ara... Anyone home?
[Someone suddenly rushes out the door, nearly bowling Mihoshi over, and
down the street. Mihoshi blankly stares at the rapidly diminishing
figure, then blinks, and turns to the now open door. Shrugging, she goes
in.]
M: Ano... Is anyone here?
[In the living room, Ranma and Nuku-Nuku are watching TV. They look up
from the couch at the sound of her voice.]
R: (suspiciously) Hey! Who are you?
N: (smiling) Yay! A new friend to play with!
M: (bowing) Konnichiwa! I'm Mihoshi! I came to visit Washuu! Sorry for
stepping in like this but the person who let me in just ran out without
saying anything.
R: Tux-boy. Figures.
M: Who?
R: Mamoru.
M: Oh.
N: What's in the basket?
M: (holding the basket up) Just some fruit and some Western pudding that
Sasami-chan made.
N: Any fish?
M: Sorry, no. Is Washuu in?
R: Don't know.
N: Let's find out!
[The three go over to Washuu's door. Mihoshi knocks on the door when a
loud explosion is heard from upstairs.]
*BOOM*
[A singed Ataru tumbles down the stairs and lands at their feet.]
A: (whining) Ouch! I only wanted to help her wash her back!
[A freshly bathed and irritated Urd comes down and joins them.]
U: (glaring at Ataru) That wasn't my back you were groping!
[Washuu's door opens and she steps out holding something.]
W: What's all the commotion about?
M: (turning to Washuu) Konnichiwa, Washuu-chan! I came to visit you!
[At the sound of a new female voice, Ataru leaps up and glomps Mihoshi,
knocking her into Washuu. Unfortunately, Mihoshi's basket tips over and
the fruit and pudding spills onto Washuu's gadget.]
*BOOM*
[Everyone picks themselves up from the floor and blink to clear their eyes
from the bright blast.]
A: (seeing he's on Mihoshi) AAaahhh!! A G-g-girl!!
[Panicking, he leaps off her. Looking around and seeing the rest of the
girls, he screams again and tries to hide behind Ranma.]
R: Hey! Knock it off! What's wrong with you? (tries to get out of
Ataru's grip but finds he can't)
[Nuku-Nuku tries to go around Ranma but Ataru keeps Ranma in front of
him.]
N: (in a sexy voice) Ne, Ataru-chan, don't you want to _play_ with me?
A: (scared) N-No! Keep away from me!
[Mihoshi, ignoring the byplay, studies the sticky mess that was Washuu's
gadget. Urd comes closer to the group.]
U: Why do I feel so strange? What happened, Washuu?
W: (blinking) Ara... I don't know.
M: (seriously) What were you working on before you opened your door?
W: (blankly) Ano... I think I called it a Personality Polarizer...
R: (still trying to get away from Ataru and Nuku-Nuku) What does that
mean?
M: Well, if it's what I think it is, all of our personalities have
changed so that our most dominant traits are now our weakest traits and
vice versa. For example, the strongest person in the world would be the
weakest and the dumbest person in the world would be a genius.
[Urd who had been staring blankly at the fruit-and-pudding-covered gadget
suddenly blinked.]
U: (pulling out a cleaning rag) Oh my! This mess will take hours to
clean! (starts cleaning up)
[Everyone, except Ataru and Nuku-Nuku who are still circling Ranma, stare
at the sight of Urd doing a domestic chore voluntarily.]
R: (turning to Mihoshi) Like that?
M: (nodding) Exactly.
[Urd suddenly stops, blinks, and gazes uncomprehensively at what she was
doing.]
U: (dropping the rag) What the heck am I doing?!? (blinks, looks down at
her clothes, and frowns slightly) Oh my! This is very improper! I must
go and change!
[Urd heads demurely upstairs, stops, turns around, and stalks back.]
U: (grabbing Washuu and glaring) You better fix this or else I'll...
(blinks, lets Washuu go) Oh, I'm so sorry! It was very impolite of me to
grab you like that. Please forgive me.
M: Hmm... It looks like the affects of the polarizer are proportional to
the proximity of the subject to the source of the blast...
W: (blinking) Ara... Why is Urd acting so strange?...
M: Why don't you use your computer?
W: I know! I'll use my computer to figure it out!
[Washuu pulls out her computer and starts typing. Pretty soon it starts
beeping at her.]
W: (frowning) Why won't this work?!?
M: (taking Washuu's place) Maybe because you locked the keyboard? Here,
let me try... (starts typing)
W: (looking around) Where did Ataru, Ranma, and Nuku-Nuku go?
U: I think they went into the kitchen. That reminds me... I better start
lunch.
[Washuu and Urd enter the kitchen to see that Nuku-Nuku had backed Ataru
and Ranma into the corner. Urd heads straight for the stove while Washuu
heads towards the trio.]
W: Ano... are you playing a game?
N: We're playing cat and mouse but Ataru-chan is cheating. (pouts a bit)
W: You shouldn't cheat, Ataru!
R: (still trying to get away) We aren't playing, Washuu-chan! Let go of
me, Ataru!
A: (shivering and hiding) G-G-g-g-girls!!!
W: Are you sure you're not playing a game, Ranma?
R: I'm sure! Can you make Ataru let me go, please?
W: Okay. (gets closer)
N: Ataru-chan, let's go up to my room and we'll play a different game!
(giggles)
A: (cringing even further into the corner) Get away! Get away!
AAaaahhhh!!!
[The pressure soon becomes too much for Ataru and using Ranma as a human
mallet, he swings Ranma around, knocking the girls backwards and clearing
a space around him.]
W: Ouch! That hurt! Ataru and Ranma are so mean! WWwaaahhh!!!
[Mihoshi appears at the door with the patched gadget.]
M: I fixed it! Now to test it. (pushes a button)
*ZAP*
U: (drops the pan) Finally! I can't believe I was cooking and cleaning!
R: (finally twists out of Ataru's grasp) Whew! I can't believe I
couldn't get away from Ataru!
A: (tries to glomp Nuku-Nuku) Sure, Nuku-Nuku! Let's play in your room!
N: (punching Ataru away) Did I really ask Ataru-kun to play in my room?
W: (stops crying and hugs herself) Yay! I'm back to my cute genius self!
M: (turns to the cameraman) Ara... What just happened?
[Noticing who Mihoshi is talking to, everyone turns to the cameraman with
evil glares as they realize that he had been taping the whole thing.]
A: If anybody found out that I ran away from a pretty girl I'd be ruined!
U: There's no way I'm letting Skuld see me like that!
R: If any of the guys back home find out about that polarizer thing, I'd
be dead meat!
[The three of them jump the cameraman and a large dust cloud filled with
flailing limbs forms.]
N: Nuku-Nuku is confused! But Nuku-Nuku wants to play, too! (jumps into
the fray)
W: (looks suspiciously at Mihoshi) Are you sure you're back to normal?
M: (ditzily) Ara... Was I acting weird, Washuu-chan? I hope not. I
don't want Tenchi-san to think I'm weird.
[Washuu, apparently satisfied, pulls out her computer and starts scanning
the repaired gadget.]
[Fadeout.]
[Fade in on Washuu's lab. Washuu wakes up in front of her computer.]
W: (yawning) What a strange dream! Imagine, Mihoshi being smarter than
me! (laughs)
*BOOM*
[Washuu turns toward a figure walking out of a smoky cloud. As it clears,
we see Mihoshi, with her eyes closed and hands stretched out, wandering
around.]
M: *cough* *cough* Washuu-chan, where are you? I can't see! Oh no, I'm
blind! Wwwaaahhh!!
W: Open your eyes, Mihoshi. I'm right here.
M: (stops walking and opens her eyes) Washuu-chan! I can see again!
You're so smart!
W: *sigh* What happened this time, Mihoshi?
M: (suddenly stands up straight and looks serious) Well, I wanted to
combine gluten, theobroma cacao, calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian
albumen-coated protein, methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde, partially
hydrogenated tallow triglyceride, refined halite, ....
W: *blink* *blink* Ano...
M: (blinks and relaxes) ...I just wanted to make some chocolate chip
cookies!
[Washuu facefaults.]
[Fadeout.]
EOF.
--
Chris Davies <cdavies@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca>
--
Washu stretched as she stepped out of the portal from the house
in Tokyo to the Masaki household. As fun as it was to observe the antics
of her housemates, she felt a definite need to come back and give her
errant daughter some motherly affection.
And do some tests ...
She wandered down to the kitchen, noticing as she did that
everything seemed unusually peaceful. There was actually a strange aura
of calm about the place. It was surprising, considering the notorious bad
tempers of two of its usual inhabitants ...
Washu was even more surprised when she saw Tenchi hard at work in
the kitchen. He was chopping up carrots and humming a nice tune.
"Tenchi-dono?" she asked, blinking.
"Ah! Washuu-chan!" he said, turning and smiling warmly. "How are
you enjoying Tokyo? We've all been watching your show, it's very
entertaining!"
"Uh, fine, thank you ... Tenchi-dono, are you *cooking*?"
Tenchi nodded enthusiastically. "Sasami-chan is ... well, I
thought she was working a little too hard, so I decided to help out."
Washu smiled. He was *such* a nice guy. It was really no
surprise that all the girls who called this place home -- and a certain
pair who lived in town -- had fallen helplessly for him. Including, Washu
thought with a certain amount of regret, herself.
But that thought led inevitably to another. "Tenchi-dono, where
are Aeka and Ryoko?"
Tenchi thought for a moment. "Hm. I think they're probably off
taking a walk in the woods together."
"Together?" Washu asked, startled.
Tenchi nodded ... and then a look of understanding dawned on his
face. "Oh, that's right. You weren't here when they finally admitted
that they were in love with each other."
Washu's jaw dropped. "Wha ... wha ..." It had been several
millenia since she'd been this surprised.
"Yes, Aeka finally admitted that the real reason she said that she
thought Ryoko was ugly was because she couldn't deal with how beautiful
she actually found her, and Ryoko admitted that she only thought of me as
a little brother ... it was very moving."
"Well. Well, that's ... nice," Washu said. "Anything else
interesting happen while I was away?"
"Well, Mihoshi and Kiyone came by to tell us that they were
getting married."
This *was* surprising, though not nearly surprising as the other
news had been. "Really? I thought Kiyone hated Mihoshi ..."
"Oh no! She was just annoyed that someone she loved so much kept
pretending to be so stupid and inept. Mihoshi's real self is a lot
brighter and competent. She actually reminds me of you, Washu-chan!"
Washuu blinked. Now there was a phrase that she'd never expected
to hear.
"Oh ... there is one other thing." Tenchi blushed. "I found
someone to love too."
"Oh?" asked Washu as she felt her heart shatter into billions of
pieces.
"Yeah! I'm sure that you'll *love* him! He's great!" Turning to
the corridor, he called out. "Makoto-chan! There's someone I want you to
meet!"
"Hai!" came a very definitely male voice.
Washu reeled. This was unbelievable. She'd come home to find out
that everything had changed completely ... everything but ...
She heard a step behind her.
Washu turned around slowly.
Sasami was barefoot, dressed only in a sleeveless tabard belted
around her waist, showing off a lot of leg ... and staring up at her with
naked desire in her eyes. "Washu-oneesama ..." she breathed softly.
"Agh!" Washu cried as she awoke. She made a silent oath to never,
EVER eat flarn before taking a nap again ... especially not after watching
Urd and Nuku-Nuku make out ...
Coming Soon: THE (Sur)REAL WORLD: LESBIAN EPISODES!
That day, Mamoru showed up for breakfast with a haunted
expression. "Hey, what's wrong Tux Boy?" Urd asked while crunching on
some Cereal Crispies.
Mamoru didn't even bother rising to the taunt. "Oh, nothing.
Nothing at all." He paused. "Unless you think that my girl friend
admitting that she's in love with someone else is a sign of trouble in our
relationship."
"Whoah," Ataru said. "Your girl's cheating on you with another
guy?"
Mamoru fixed the Sukebe from Tomobiki with a glare. "Actually,
no. She's in love with one of her best friends ... another girl. I
suppose it's my own fault for leaving her alone so long ..."
Reactions to this news varied.
Ranma immediately felt ill. His homophobic tendencies were very
strong, and the fact that he still felt attracted to -- uh, girls other
than a certain uncute unsexy macho tomboy when he was female only added
to them, rather than destroying them. The thought that a certain uncute
unsexy macho tomboy might try to find comfort in the arms of another woman
caused a brief stabbing pain in his stomach, but it was relieved shortly
by the realization that if no *man* could possibly want someone as uncute
unsexy and macho as she was, what *woman* would either?
Ataru immediately thought of Lum doing things with Shinobu,
Ryuunosuke, Benten, Oyuki, Lan, and a number of other girls -- for some
reason, Noa Izumi from the anime Mobile Police Patlabor was among them --
and collapsed drooling.
Kyosuke immediately thought of Ayukawa and Hikaru-chan together
... and calmed himself. It was a ridiculous idea. They were JUST best
friends. There was no reason to think otherwise. On the other hand,
presumably, Mamoru had thought the same thing about *his* girl friend and
*her* best friend ... and for some reason, Mamoru reminded Kyosuke of
himself ...
Washuu immediately thought of her nightmare from last night, and
shuddered, while looking at Ataru and wondering how in the world he'd been
able to dehydrate himself that swiftly.
Nuku-Nuku immediately blinked. "Oh! Tux Boy's girlfriend was
doing the same things we were doing last night, Urd-sempai!" she said
aloud.
Urd immediately gulped. "Kids say the darnedest things, don't
they?"
AND LATER ON, MEET THE NEWEST RESIDENT!
"Good day, my name is Daitokuji Biko, and GOOD LORD WHO IS THAT
GORGEOUS CREATURE?"
"Um ... Nuku-Nuku desu!"
"SHE WILL BE MINE!"