M.A. MacKinnon wrote:
CAST A LONG SHADOW
by Mark MacKinnon
Part one: Lapses of Judgement
Then she sat down and I saw that it was only Nabiki.
*only* Nabiki? If I was spying on the Tendo family, she'd be the one
I'd most like to see. ^_^
I needed to leave. It was stupid, what I was doing, stupid
and pointless, and the only smart thing to do would be to
leave.
Since when did anyone in the Ranmaverse ever do "the smart thing"? :)
But I didn't.
See?
Someone else came to the table, but I could see right away that
it was only Mr. Tendou.
This time I agree. :)
A red blur streaked in from nowhere and collided with
the bear, resolving itself into a redheaded girl in
a red Chinese shirt and black loose-fitting pants.
Minor quibble: the morning workouts are done in gis, not fully dressed
like you have Ranma here.
Why did he have to do that? Why did he have to make her
smile go away? Why?
'Cuz he's a baka who doesn't know what's good for him. :)
I tried to draw strength from it's solidness,
it's realness.
Both times, "its" instead of "it's".
"Just to see her," I told myself. "Just to watch her and hear
her voice, maybe hear her laugh. There's nothing wrong with
that. After all, its not like I'm gonna *do* anything ..."
Of course not. It just always works out that way, neh? :)
"Oh, come on, Akane. You know, if you'd just learn
to cook, I wouldn't have to be afraid to eat your meals!"
"Why don't you just shut up, you jerk! Why would I
want to cook for you, anyway?"
"Oh, you are soooo uncute!"
"Baaaa-KA!"
"Tomboy!"
The argument seems a bit cliched. It would be nice to see it follow a
different path than what you see in so many fanfics.
"Akane Tendou! Your beauty is as the urgkkh!" Kunou's
welcome speech met the business end of Akane's book bag as she
stormed by him without slowing. He flailed for balance, then snapped
his head back and whipped out his bokken, pointing it at Ranma.
"Saotome, what have you done to my ackhh!" Ranma leapt
easily over Kunou's bokken and planted a kick on the side of his head.
"I ain't done nothin' to your "ackhh", Kunou," he growled.
"Buzz off." With that he ran on towards the school, leaving a dazed
Kunou lying spread-eagled on the grass. A figure in a boy's uniform
with a large spatula slung over her back walked up to him, gazing
longingly at Ranma's retreating back.
"Morning, Kunou," Ukyou said cheerfully, bending down so
that her long ponytail slipped over her shoulder. "Listen, did you
happen to notice someone following Ranma and Akane when they first
got here?"
Okay, as cliche'd as parts of this were, it was funny. :D :D
Blinded by repeated blows to the head, more like it, Ukyou
thought with a sigh.
I don't like perspectives that shift in mid-scene. Try to keep
this in one perspective, or have a break here to indicate the
perspective shift.
"At least she didn't step on me," he sighed as he headed
to class.
I admire a man who knows how to count his blessings. :)
Any day where he didn't get turned into a girl at school
was off to a good start in his book.
Despite what you might read in certain fanfics. :D
Ukyou shook her head angrily.
"Why her?" she wondered bitterly. "Why not me? I'd never
make Ran-chan unhappy like that."
Well, that's sorta the point, isn't it Ukyo? If you *could* affect
Ranma that deeply, it would indicate that you meant a lot to him. Alas
that the fiancees never clued in on that fact.
She decided. Just to the dojo, and then back to her place for
the supper crowd.
Heh, very similar to the unknown stalker's thoughts. I liked the whole
Ukyo introspection bit. I'm a big introspection fan. :)
"What things?" Ryouga bellowed, outraged. "Uncute! A
tomboy! A bad cook!"
"You forgot violent," Ranma pointed out, just before
Akane's bookbag slammed into the back of his head.
Hehehehehehe.
Ranma leapt easily out of it's path,
again, "its".
releasing it's load of girders
"its"
as she followed the cable to it's breaking point,
Sensing a pattern here?
Basic rule: Whenever you use "it's", you should be able to replace it
with "it is". Otherwise, use "its".
had cost her, seeing all three of them turn and look at
her instead of looking up, frozen by the terror in her
voice.
Idle observation: Reminds me of a passage from "Shogun".
"R-Ranma?"
I could only think of one thing to say.
"I'm sorry, Akane," I whispered.
Then I ran.
Innnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnteresting. Parallel universe? Magic clone? Time
travel? I vote for time travel.
"Yeah, of course it is," he assured her, helping her
sit in the shade. There was no way he could leave her to
chase the imposter, not while she was in this state.
Heh, I like this characterization. Ranma can insult Akane almost
casually, but when the chips are down, he can be quite caring and
understanding.
When the debris had cleared, Ryouga was gone.
<snort> Good riddance.
"Good riddance," Ranma muttered under his breath,
What he said. :)
I just stood there, empty and alone, a starving man
surrounded by steaming platters of food that I could
never touch.
Heh, nice image.
"Ryouga, no ... don't ...")
Ooh... <shudder> Sounds eerie.
Ranma and his father both blanched at that, Ranma's
gaze falling on the cloth-wrapped katana at his mother's
side. His mother had managed to accept their curses,
given time, but Ranma didn't particularly want to push
his luck when it came to his parent's "agreement" about
his upbringing.
Heh. This whole part reminded me of TIL Part 1.
"Ryouga, you really believed this guy was me? He was
that convincing?" Ryouga frowned.
"Come to think of it, he did talk to me instead of
hitting me, and he actually gave me some pretty good advice."
Hehehehehehehe. Of course, it *can't* be Ranma. :D :D
"The doctor said I'd be fine, daddy, as long as I
Capitalize "Daddy".
So I was surprised when I heard a soft rustle behind me, but
only for a second. After all, I supposed that I should have
known. It did make a strange kind of sense. I spoke without
turning around.
"Hello, Ranma," I said.
End part one.
Heh. Nice cliffhanger.
Glad I read this. A nice story, great characterizations, good mystery
element. Nice writing style, clean prose. This is a strong start.
Where you go from here will be critical, of course. The FFML and raac
are full of beginnings that were never finished. I'm encouraged that
there are four more parts of this waiting for me to read them. :)
I'll C&C the other parts later. Gonna try to finish RoS 7 first.
But dang, I'm impressed. Nice 'fic. ^_^