At 08:08 PM 7/17/97 -0700, Captain Jack wrote:

    Okay folks. This is a really odd one for me. I'd just finished a
marathon session of Neon Genesis Evangelion (Vol 1-5, & 7) and I felt
like I really needed to write a fic about this series because it's so
GREAT!

Where'd you get Vol. 7?  I've got 1-6, but now I have to wait until
Sept. for vol 7...

There's always the originals, and the ADV scripts aren't strikingly
more accurate than the fan scripts.

He'd managed to bang his head on
the hatch of his entry plug pretty hard.

Must have really hit his head hard.  Would be tough to do too since the
hatch slides up high enough so he would miss it entirely.  Usually the
hatch is fully open before moving through it.

Yes, I believe the side hatch is used for emergencies only, but I don't think this was ever made clear in the series.

Then again, he had to admit she was probably doing it to annoy
him in the first place. Trouble was it was working.

Well probably not to annoy him, more like show off her intelligence.
But same difference.

Well, no, if she had a reason she'd do it to annoy him, but I agree
the motivation would be essentially self-centered.

"Actually, no. I just didn't have the heart to tell you to stop. You
seemed like you were enjoying listening to yourself rant."

Shinji with a backbone to tell people off?  That just dosen't happen...

One important thing to realize about this fic is that it is of the "could
have happened, but didn't" variety.

But I agree that he would defend himself much more ... defensively;
pretty much only in  direct response to things said.  This bit of
interaction does fit within that model, even if Shinji is more
aggressive than normal.

        "Who said anything about your dinner? I'm just getting mine."
Shinji
replied, sticking his head back into the living room.

BTW, I think it's established that Shinji is a pretty good cook; at least
he's militant enough to use real dried bonito (a gift from Ritsuko) instead
of the artificial and/or instant stuff for dashi (the basic stock for
soup, etc.).

I think he would do as she asks.

Agreed, unless he was *really* ticked off; of course, the author
has established that Shinji has a major headache.  And the author
does not appear to be an Asuka fan (although episodes 11 and 12 might
sway him a bit; I'd say she's at her best in 10 and 12).

Shinji and Asuka secretly like each other...although they will never admit it.

Agreed, although you have to infer it.

That's why Shinji tried to kiss her in her sleep,

Well, that could be simple sexual attraction.  And his response to her
murmuring "Mama, mama" was to get angry at her hypocrisy rather than
to comfort her.

Asuka flirt with him at the pool, etc...

Agreed, as well as the general way they act together.

          He opened the door and found to his surprise Rei standing
outside with
a neutral expression on her face. Rei was the first of the Eva pilots
that NERV found and in most people's opinions, a decidedly strange
girl.
There was something strangely intense and at the same time resigned
about her which made her very difficult to approach. Shinji knew it
well.

I wouldn't say "found." [...]

Well, that's the official story, and I don't think anyone knows any
better at this point.

        She had an overnight bag on one shoulder and she was still
wearing her
school uniform.

She always wears her school uniform anytime she is outside of the Eva.

Well, she does wear a swimsuit in the pool, but you're right, besides
that and the equally functional plus suit, we never see her wearing
anything but her school uniform.

The primary thing to remember about Rei is that she's almost *totally*
utilitarian.  Not to mention fatalistic.

 I'm supposed to keep you and Soryu company."

Rei would phrase this more like:  "I've been ordered to keep you and
Soryu company."  Although I don't see Misato doing this since the two
could keep each other occupied with theeir fighting anyways...

        "Hi, Ayanami! What's up?" Asuka asked brightly.

Asuka happy to see Rei?  Was _she_ the one who hit her head?

Yep, by this point she's fairly annoyed at Rei, a feeling which
only grows with time (see note on piloting ability below).

       "Why did you call him a pervert?" Rei asked, her tone still
soft and
expressionless save for a mild puzzlement.

Rei wouldn't have much interest in the matter, but it could happen.

She might---she definitely comes to the defense of those (few) she cares
about, and (at least obliquely) come to Shinji's defense against Asuka's
rantings in episode 16.  This is not really a great stretch, and sets
up the prefect, humorous dialog to follow.

Also remember that her behavior in this story is affected by an event
that didn't happen in the original story and that drew Rei and Shinji together.

        "Oooooh!" Asuka groaned angrily. Rei was simply impossible to
talk to.
Sometimes she thought that the two of them were conspiring against
her... after all, she WAS better then both of them combined and they
knew it.

Asuka wouldn't admit this.  She thinks _she's_ the best of the three.
Episode 11 when Asuka forces her leadership on the other two because "I
being the most qualified."  Even though Rei throughout was the quiet
leader.

Unfortunately for Asuka, her ego, and her emotional foundations, she's
the *worse* EVA pilot; Rei is the best by far (with the least
cooperative EVA), and Shinji is somewhat better than Asuka.

        Rei sat primly on the easy chair and didn't say anything.

By the way, TV dinners usually have meat.  What did Rei do with it?  She
refuses to eat meat, but wouldn't want any food to go to waste...

She'd give it to Shinji; some to think of it, she'd probably at least
offer to take the ramen.

        Rei's expression had slipped back to neutral as she replied,
"But he's
already seen me without clothes on. Why should it matter if he sees it

again?" Asuka's jaw dropped. Shinji's face reddened considerably.
Asuka
marched over to the couch, grabbing a throw pillow on her way with
which
she began to beat on Shinji's head, "You lecherous, perverted, filthy
minded... MAN!"

I doubt Asuka would use this word; she's fond of the Kaji the "man",
but not of "sukebe" "boys" as I think she put it.

        "So you admit it! Take this! And THIS!" she proceeded to
brutally beat
on his still ringing head with the throw pillow, "How dare you take
advantage of Ayanami!"

More like:  I can't believe you!  etc. etc.  Remember, Asuka secretly
likes Shinji as well.

Agreed; you need to play up a little (but on the surface totally
hidden) jealousy on her part.

        Shinji woke up softly to the strains of the American song (A
song with English lyrics?) 'Fly Me To
The Moon' being sung by Megumi Hayashibara playing in his right ear.

This might be a little too specific....

But it seems he likes song number 24 (I think, maybe 25)  which I think
is song number 9 on the NGE II CD.  Just something that could have a
different effect for the story if you wanted to use it...

        She was most definitely not sleepwalking. She was looking at
him
intently. Her eyes were obscured in part by her hair and by the
shadows,
so he couldn't see any more of her expression. She reached out and
gently ran her fingertips across his cheek.

ok, way off from her original personality...She can't understand
emotions so using them would be just as hard for her to do...

No, that's not really true.

She's utilitarian (for good reasons) so doesn't see much need to
interact with others.

As she said at the end of #6, she doesn't know what to say or do
in interactions with others (this follows from the lack of interactions).

But she does interact when she sees a point to it.

        "It's my favorite tape... how did you know?" he asked, trying
to mask
his nervousness with small talk.
        "I just did. It felt right."

I like this.  They are closer than meets the eye...

        "I do not understand it either. Commander Katsuragi didn't
really tell
me to keep you and Asuka company... she just said I could stay here if
I
wanted to."

hrm?  she wouldn't come over to stay because she just wanted to...

I think she would if she wanted to; it's just that the original formula
Rei wouldn't want to.

But she does care for Shinji, and takes care of him when she doesn't
strictly have to (e.g. the end of episode 16).  However, this is in
another sort of role, one that Shinji brought to her attention in #15.

and I
know you experienced the same when you synchronized with my Eva.

I haven't seen this episode, but I thought he was rejected by her Eva.
have to read the scripts to make sure...

That's not clear; another analysis by Ritsuko is that the EVA was
trying to kill Ritsuko.

EVA-00 is the least domesticated EVA, and I think it's possible that
Shinji simply wasn't able to control, just like Rei wasn't able to
control it in the test that got her injured.

        In her own room, Asuka Langley Soryu was sound asleep... also
bound and
gagged firmly, but not so tightly as to cut off her circulation. Rei
had
made sure of that. After all. She didn't want her sleep or Shinji's to

be interrupted.

Whoa, how'd that happen without Shinji hearing anything?  He's a light
sleeper you know...

Different room, and it would have to be quiet enough not to wake Asuka
in the first place.

This is the most unlikely to have happened part of this story (Rei
would only do it to spare Shinji), but very amusing and fitting nonetheless.

Asuka will be beside herself when she wakes up, though!

I did this C+C as I read.  I hope it helps.  Overall, I enjoyed it.
There aren't many NGE fics that come through.  I'm trying to make it
more popular on the ffml with my fic.  There a lot of good parts to
this, only I think you got the personalities of Shinji and Rei wrong.
Shinji runs away from any sort of confrontation, meaning he wouldn't be
fighting tooth and nail with Asuka.

Agreed on that, but it's easily corrected.  And he does fight back
upon occasion---he can be quite defiant, 

  He does argue with her, but he's

more on the defensive than attacking her.  As for Rei, I can't see her
being that bold with Shinji.  I have suspicions that they have feelings
for each other, but Rei is more like Shinji's mother.  But it still is a
good fic.  I hope you rewrite some of this so some stuff fits with their
personalities.

This is not hopelessly distant from their personalities, and it's certainly
a direction a lot of fans would have liked to see things move in.

Now for my detailed comments (that weren't addressed above):

At 12:40 AM 7/18/97 +0800, you wrote:

>From the Scriviner:

	Okay folks. This is a really odd one for me. I'd just finished a
marathon session of Neon Genesis Evangelion (Vol 1-5, & 7) and I felt
like I really needed to write a fic about this series because it's so
GREAT! 
	So for some odd reason, I ended up writing something where I tried to
keep within the boundaries of the original series. Which is really
unusual for me because my work is largely composed of fusions, alternate
universes and crossovers all series. Of course, I think I've gone pretty
off tangent by around the end, but I hope people can tell me what they
think.

The binding and gagging of Asuka at the end is the only thing that's
really hard to swallow, so to speak, and (if your not a rabid Asuka
fan) it's just too perfect a touch to drop from the story.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Two hearts of One Mind.

Or two minds of one heart?

A Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfic by the Scriviner 

	It has to be admitted that piloting an Eva, a multi-ton, several story
high, semi-biological mecha designed for killing angels (which it must

Angels

be noted are nothing at all like the winged humanoid figures one
expects),

Well, they're rather like the implacable angels of the Old Testament; in fact,
outside of 3 or so things from the New Testament (the cross shaped Angel
weapon effect and a few other crosses in backgrounds, the Longinus no yari,
and a crucifixion), it's pretty much all Old Testament based stuff.

all the way up to brain death as the pilot's mind gets fried by the feedback

>from the Eva's nerve linkages.

While this may be a possibility, I don't remember it as being likely or
having happened.  But the worse cases are just about as bad.

It was not surprising that the two of them did not get along all to well.

                                                                  ^ too

	"Idiot!" Asuka roared at him from across the living room, "They haven't
restored phone service to this district since last week's battle."

I believe they all have cell phones, and keeping the Children in touch with
HQ would be of utmost priority.

Shinji could call but not be able to find out anything if Misato was forgetful
enough (however, she doesn't ever seem to be).

	"By all of five feet!" Asuka shot back, "I'm too weak from hunger to
move..." She groaned dramatically.

I bet she would gesture dramatically as well.

	The two of them were in the process of chipping away at the ice in the
freezer which held their TV dinners when the doorbell rang.

It's probably frost free; there were no signs of frost in episode 2.  But
this is a minor point. 

	"So who was it?" Asuka inquired. She caught sight of Rei, who seemed to
be watching a mildly squirming Shinji. She rolled her eyes and sighed.
Men, constantly thinking with their hormones.

This would be "boys" rather than "men".

It was hard for someone as empathic as an
Eva pilot to live with someone and NOT pick up a little on what they
thought about.

Asuka, empathic?  Maybe.  Only if she let herself be so (which she generally
absolutely would not).  But she would be attuned (at least deep down) to
what was happening with the other two.

	"That does it then, I'm sleeping."

Note, Asuka may generally shower before going to bed (she did so in #9);
that could present additional opportunities in this storyline.

	Rei watched, mildly confused at it all. Interaction with other people
and understanding them were never her strong suits, "What are you doing,
Soryu?"

A thought just occurred to me: did Rei ever refer to Asuka by name in the
series?  Not that I can remember; hmmmm.

	"But..." Shinji tried to explain... if any of this got back to
Misato... or worse to his father. This would not be good...
	Asuka coolly walked out of the room, overdramatically muttering and
posing, "Don't mind me... Get yourself in trouble why don't you... What
an idiot... What a pair of weirdoes."

How much do you want to bet that Asuka would have stayed awake and listened to
them, at least until she was satisfied nothing was going to happen?

	"No, it's not." Rei said, her voice gathering strength, "When I
synchronized with your Eva... I felt you through the Eva... the pattern
of your thoughts that you left there was there for me to read... and I
know what it's like to be you... I've been inside your head... and I
know you experienced the same when you synchronized with my Eva. We are
probably the two closest human beings on the planet... we have seen the
world through each other's eyes..."

Now, of course, this didn't happen---in fact, Evangelion is all about
people *not* connecting with other people (at least through normal means).

But it could have happened; Nerv technology can do things akin to this....

	She finally smiled at him. "Perhaps you may not remember them
consciously... but you know them. You know me... Everything."

If that was true, Shinji would be having different feelings (explaining this
is a fairly big spoiler, though).

	In her own room, Asuka Langley Soryu was sound asleep... also bound and
gagged firmly, but not so tightly as to cut off her circulation. Rei had
made sure of that. After all. She didn't want her sleep or Shinji's to
be interrupted.

As I said, an improbable but very nice touch.

More likely Rei would just drag Shinji to his room (maybe leave a threatening
note on the door (Asuka did this later in the series)) and not worry about it.

Anyway, thanks for sharing this very nice story with us.

					- Harold