Disclaimer:
	All copyright characters belong to their owners.  Unfortunately,
none of those owners are me!  

Dedication:
	To Koy.

Author's Notes:
	I've only seen Fushigi Yuugi through episode 36 of the TV series,
so please give me some leeway.  I don't know what happens after that,
although sometime soon I'm getting the rest of the eps.  :)

Fushigi Yuugi:
Painful Knowledge

	When she said that she would marry me, it was the happiest day of
my life, even if it wasn't precisely couched in words of love.  When she
said she loved me, it gave my life meaning, more meaning than my family
had given it.  When I held her, touched her, breathed the air in a room
she'd just left, it was as though I had touched the ultimate happiness. 
Being around her made me feel strong, proud, worthwhile.  
	Maybe that is foolish, but there it is.  She was my reason for
living.  When everything around me fell apart, she made it better.  Our
lives had touched in a way that I could not begin to explain.  Others saw
it.  Hotohori and Nuriko envied me.  Yui envied her.  And as much as we
both hated hurting the others, we knew that it was best.  That no matter
what, we could be happy if only we were together.
	But something has happened.  Nakago . . . *did* something, and I
don't yet know what.  I only know that something has changed in Miaka,
something I cannot define.  Something that may ultimately destroy me. 
Her light is denied me.  
	I lay here at night, and I can still feel her body in my arms,
the warm, heady scent of her hair filling my nostrils.  I can still feel
the touch of her lips on mine.  And those memories are addictive,
painful.  She was life to me, and now my life is gone.  She's not Miaka
anymore.  She's Suzaku No Miko, and I must still protect her.  With
Nuriko gone, I'm not sure of our numbers anymore.
	I want to tell her how I feel, but she wouldn't listen.  It would
only make her feel worse than she does, and I cannot do that to her.  Not
to one I love so much.  So I will live here in the shadows until I can
heal myself enough to continue on.  Perhaps then I will start to live
again.  I only hope that it is with her at my side.

-From the heart of Tamahome

-Miyaka

Author's Notes (part 2):
	I can't explain why I had to write this, but I did.  I lay in
bed, thinking, and something made me get up (with a pounding headache)
and go to my computer and just pour this forth.  I can understand right
now how Tamahome feels, knowing that he loves someone so much and yet
unable to be with them.  This is the first time I've *ever* attempted a
Fushigi Yuugi fanfic, and I don't know what anyone will think of it. 
Comments, criticisms, and yes, even flames, can be sent to me at
<miyaka@juno.com>.  I hope all of you enjoy!