note: Rumiko Takahashi and her publishers own the Ranma 1/2 copyrights.
Polyandry
by Lizsue (lizsue@mit.edu)
(scene: A week after the series ended. Ranma is eating a bento lunch in the
school cafeteria.)
AKANE: (Standing at the end of the kitchen queue.) "I can't believe Miss
Hinako made us late to lunch. What a jerk."
KODACHI: (Walks into the room.) "Hi Ranma! I got you some flowers!" (Throws
a bouquet of black roses at Ranma.) "Yay! The evil Tendo girl
isn't here!"
RANMA: "AAARGH!" (Dodges the roses.) "WHY do you do that stuff?!"
AKANE: (Still in the queue.) "I want my grilled cheese! TODAY!"
KODACHI: "Well, red is my favorite color but Kuno got first dibs on it since
he started growing them a year earlier than me because he's older
and so I have to use a different one or else we can't tell whose
roses are whose...."
AKANE: (Still there.) "LAA laa lala la la LAA lala la la...."
RANMA: "No, not why are the roses black. Why do you try to paralyze me all
the time?"
KODACHI: "Well, I love you."
RANMA: "I know you like me. Remember when I got hit with Ukyou's exploding
food? You were the only one who asked if I was okay. That's how you
show someone you care about him, not ribbons or drugs." (thinks) Even
Akane didn't notice. I thought the bride would pay more attention
to the groom, who was hurt for all she knew, than a gatecrasher....
KODACHI: "Really?"
RANMA: "Where did you get these dumb ways to flirt, anyway?"
AKANE: (Now the only one left in the queue.) "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU RAN OUT
OF TOAST?!" (Attacks the cook.)
KODACHI: "It's a long story...."
(flashback: Four years before the series began. The Kuno family is
unpacking boxes in a boarding school dormitory.)
KODACHI: "Why did I have to come here? I like my old school better."
(Starts crying.)
KOUCHO: "You old school only went up to the sixth grade." (Hugs Kodachi.)
"Cheer up! You'll enjoy it here."
KODACHI: "I want to go to your school, Mom. If I have to live at school why
can't I live in the same dorm you do?"
KEIKO: "I'm St. Bacchus' principal and housemaster, dear. That's a high
school. If you study hard here you can go there when you're older."
KUNO: (Waving a bokken with ruler markings.) "Truly you have been blessed
with the magnitute of this immense cubicle! The family estate has
been expanded by another glorious twenty cubic metres...!"
KOUCHO: "Son, it's a double."
KODACHI: "But my roommate's not here yet. What if she doesn't like me?
What if she's a jerk? What if she gets here before Kuno leaves?"
KEIKO: "Don't worry, I'm sure she'll be a nice girl." (Unpacks the last
box.)
KUNO: "Farewell, dear sister!"
KOUCHO: "Good luck!" (Keiko, Koucho, and Kuno hug Kodachi, then leave.)
KODACHI: (Hears a knock on the door.) "Come in!"
GIRL: "Hi, I'm Jian. Are you my roommate?"
KODACHI: "I think so. My name's Kodachi. Which bed do you want?..."
(scene: A few weeks later in the courtyard. Everyone has the same lunch
period, and so the picnic tables are almost packed.)
MIYABI: "...and then he asked me to....Look over there! Ha! It's that
goody-goody!"
AKEMI: "She's not that bad. Just quiet."
MIDORI: "Hahaha! She's a nerd!"
MIYABI: "I want to see what happens if we eat with her."
RANKO: (no relation) "Why don't we try out that itching powder stuff we made
on her?"
SACHIKO: "NO, Ranko. Besides, last time you used that stuff it got in all
my clothes too."
JIAN: "Roommate fight! Roommate fight! Ha ha ha ha ha!"
MIYABI: "HEY YOU! YOU OVER THERE! YES, YOU! WE HAVE AN EXTRA CHAIR!"
KODACHI: (Carrying her lunch from the other side of the courtyard.) "Okay!"
(Sits down.)
MIYABI: "...anyway, I think Gyo likes me! Ha!"
JIAN: "Which one?"
MIYABI: "Watanabe Gyo. He's on the boys' gymnastics team."
RANKO: "Are you sure? I saw him talking to Wada Emiko yesterday. He even
hugged her!"
SACHIKO: "Ha ha ha! But I heard that she's going to be his stepsister."
MIDORI: "Wow, that's really weird! HAHAHA...that's nothing, did you hear
about what happened to Naru?...."
KODACHI: (thinks) Who are Gyo and Emiko and Naru, anyway? I don't know
anyone they're talking about.
JIAN: "What's wrong, Kodachi? You haven't even touched your lunch yet."
KODACHI: (Blushes.) "I'm not hungry." (thinks) Everyone else has a clue but
me....
(scene: That night, in Jian and Kodachi's room.)
JIAN: (Hands Kodachi a tissue.) "What's wrong?"
KODACHI: (Dries some tears.) "Why can't lots of kids like me the way they
like you? I wish I was popular. Everyone at lunch ignored me."
JIAN: "Well, I attract a lot more attention so more people know who I am.
The more people know you, the more friends you have. You're so quiet
that no one can tell you're there."
KODACHI: "I'm not that quiet...."
JIAN: "You just need to be louder, like this. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
KODACHI: "Ha ha? Like that?"
JIAN: "Good for starters. Now try it a bit louder...."
(scene: A week later in the cafeteria at lunchtime.)
MIYABI: "...Guess what? Gymnastics season starts a week early this year!"
MIDORI: "Hahahahaha! Does Coach Watanabe have the tournament schedule yet?"
AKEMI: "Any ideas for our first meet?"
RANKO: "One of the St. Insomnia girls is allergic to daisies! If it stops
raining soon we could plant a garden in their school while they're
not looking. HAHAHA!"
SACHIKO: "NO. I'M allergic to daisies too. Don't bring pollen back to our
room. Anyone want to trade a bento for my sandwich?"
MIYABI: "Sure! Wait, don't we need to get this year's team together first?"
MIDORI: "Oh, okay. Good idea."
JIAN: "So Kodachi, do you want to come to practice?"
KODACHI: "Well...I don't know...I'm busy with orchestra...."
JIAN: "Come on, just give it a try. I'll be there to keep you company."
MIYABI: "Mmm, grilled cheese- Kodachi, did you say you're joining the
team?! HA! COOL!"
KODACHI: "I'm not sure...."
AKEMI: "It's lots of fun! Hahahahaha! I'll let you borrow my ribbons until
you get your own."
SACHIKO: "Look, I play drums and have time for gymnastics. You'll still
have time for the violin too."
MIDORI: "EVERYONE is on that team. You'll really miss out on a lot if you
don't join."
KODACHI: "Well, okay...."
(scene: A few days later in the mall down the street.)
PRINCIPAL: (Chaperoning.) "Okay kids, meet me at the main lobby in three
hours."
MIDORI: "THREE hours?! HAHAHAHA! Thanks! Mr. and Mrs. Morisato only gave
us one hour when it was her turn."
PRINCIPAL: "Well, you showed them you were very responsible during the last
outing. Besides, I'm going to the hairdressers' to get my braids
redone. It'll probably take the whole time, so go there first if
you need me. Have fun!"
KODACHI: "Wow, a music store just opened...." (Walks towards it.)
JIAN: "Kodachi, wait a minute. You said you wanted to get noticed more,
right?"
KODACHI: "Yes...."
JIAN: "Well, a makeover will definitely help. You can go to the music store
later. Hahaha...." (Leads Kodachi into a clothing store.)
(scene: An hour later in the dressing room of another clothing store.)
MIDORI: "...and it'll look even cuter with those black jeans!"
KODACHI: (Looking at her shirt in the mirror.) "You think so? It's kind of
tight...."
JIAN: "Of course. You look great in black....HAHA! Wait a minute! We
forgot something!"
MIDORI: "What?"
JIAN: (Holds up a few leotards.) "The next meet is this Sunday! Here
Kodachi, try these."
KODACHI: (Pulling on one of the leotards.) "I like this red one a bit."
JIAN: "Just the red one? You need at least eight, and especially that black
one! Hahaha!"
KODACHI: "That many? But we only have meets twice a month."
MIDORI: (Lifting her dress to show Kodachi a tan leotard.) "It's the perfect
outfit! Besides, now it's no big deal if someone sees up my skirt.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...."
JIAN: "You also need to do something new with your hair."
KODACHI: "A new hairstyle? Like braids?"
MIDORI: "No, braiding takes too long. A ponytail on the side would look
really nice on you and needs a lot less effort at first. Use some
kind of flower too, like the rest of us do."
(scene: Sunday afternoon, in the St. Insomnia gymnasium.)
LOCAL GYMNAST: "Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!" (Chugs half a bottle of
sinus medicine.) "Stupid pollen...."
SACHIKO: "Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!" (Takes the bottle that the local
gymnast offers, and chugs the other half.) "Stupid roommate...."
ANNOUNCER: (Using the school's P.A. system.) "The next events are rhythmic
gymnastics solo ribbon in the back gym and varsity basketball
free throws in the front gym."
JIAN: (Watching the first two girls compete.) "Those kids from Mullah
Nasredin Middle School did great. It's not easy to manage five
ribbons at once."
KODACHI: "I'm really nervous."
JIAN: "Don't worry, you'll do fine."
AKEMI: (Hands a ribbon to Kodachi.) "Haha! Good luck!" (Pushes Kodachi onto
the mat.)
KODACHI: (whispers) "Here goes...." (Starts a simple ballet-like routine.)
"Uh oh...how do I keep the end of the ribbon going?..." (Almost
wraps herself in the ribbon.)
MIDORI: (Turns to Jian.) "I don't think we're going to win this event."
KODACHI: "I'd better twirl this out more." (Holds the ribbon out further,
and tangles two judges and herself.) "NO! AAAAAIEE!" (Falls to the
floor.)
(scene: The St. Insomnia girls' locker room.)
KODACHI: "I ruined everything! We came in last place because of me!"
(Starts crying.)
AKEMI: (Hugs Kodachi.) "It's okay. I don't care if we lost the meet."
KODACHI: (Still crying.) "Maybe I should leave the team...."
JIAN: "Please don't!" (Hugs Kodachi.) "Only losers drop out this early! At
least stay for the next meet!"
MIYABI: "You did pretty well for a beginner!" (Giggles.) "By the end of the
season you'll be one of the best in the league. Ha ha ha ha...."
RANKO: (Stepping out of the shower.) "Winners never quit! Quitters never
win! Hahahahaha!"
SACHIKO: "People only wearing towels should not make arm-waving arguments."
KODACHI: (thinks) What am I doing here? I'm good at music, not sports....
(scene: The school language lab, a week later.)
TEACHER: "Welcome, class. My name is Stuttgart. I'm your new Cantonese 101
teacher. Any questions, or should we start with today's lesson?"
MIDORI: (Whispers to Kodachi.) "We need to distract this guy. I didn't do
my homework."
KODACHI: (Whispers back.) "Are you sure? We might get in trouble."
MIDORI: "Don't worry about it. You don't have to really break a rule."
KODACHI: "Okay." (Raises her hand.) "Sir, Stuttgart is a cool name. How did
you get it?"
STUTTGART: "Well, my mother grew up in Prussia but she left Europe to marry
her Amazon boyfriend. Then she became very homesick. When she
and my father had triplets, they agreed to name my brother, my
sister, and I after some of the cities she used to live in."
MIDORI: (Whispers to Kodachi and Jian.) "That didn't take long enough!"
JIAN: (Raises her hand.) "What's an Amazon?"
(scene: Some of the boys are standing by their lockers between classes.)
RYU: "...have you seen Hiro lately? He's getting kind of chunky."
AKIRA: "At least he still knows how to dress, unlike some people. What was
Kaneda thinking when he bought those maroon cordorouy pants?"
RYU: "I have no idea." (Tries to pack his books into the bottom of his
locker.) "I wish these lockers still had shelves." (Points to holes on
the inside of the locker.) "Look! There was a shelf, but someone took
it out."
HIRO: (Walking down the hall.) "Someone out there must have fifteen
shelves." (Demonstrates with his hand.) "Shelf shelf shelf...."
JIAN: (Walking to meet the guys.) "Hi!"
AKIRA: "Yo! What's new?"
RYU: (whispers) "What happened to Kodachi?"
HIRO: (whispers) "Wow, I guess Gyo was right."
KODACHI: (Blushes.) "Hi...."
(scene: Ranko's and Sachiko's dorm room that evening.)
MIDORI: "Hi! Guess what? I'm going home for my birthday and having a big
party this weekend!"
AKEMI: "Ha ha! Sounds like fun. Can I come?"
MIDORI: "Sorry, I don't have room for everyone in the house. HAHAHAHAHA!"
(Starts handing out envelopes.) "Here's your invitations Jian,
Kodachi, Ranko, Miyabi, Sachiko, wait a minute, here's one for you
too Akemi...."
JIAN: "Thanks!" (thinks) Looks like she only invited her best friends this
time. (Turns to Kodachi.) "I'll help you pack...."
(scene: Late at night a few days later in Miyabi's bedroom at home. The
kids are playing Truth or Dare.)
JIAN: (Spins a bottle and watches it rotate until it points to Akemi.)
"Your turn! What do you want?"
AKEMI: "I don't know...truth?"
JIAN: "Hahaha! What were you doing in the boys' locker room last Tuesday?"
AKEMI: "Aaargh!"
MIDORI: "Come on, which guy were you making out with...?"
AKEMI: "Look, I just had to borrow some socks! Kaneda wears the same size I
do, and he was nice enough to lend me some." (Spins the bottle.)
MIYABI: "How romantic, you're sharing his clothes...ha ha ha...."
SACHIKO: "Don't borrow any more of his clothes. You're going to look like a
big nerd if you do. Hahaha....The guy's so colorblind!"
AKEMI: "Ranko?"
RANKO: "Hmm...dare."
AKEMI: "Okay. Remember that powder you made the other day? The one that
makes people slow down? Mix some of it in your orange juice and
drink it."
KODACHI: (thinks) Oh no! You're supposed to inhale that stuff, not ingest
it!
RANKO: (Mixes the drink.) "Here goes...." (Gulps the drink.) "Ha...ha...
ha...." (Eventually spins the bottle.)
MIYABI: (Looks at the bottle.) "Cool! Kodachi, truth or dare?"
KODACHI: (thinks) The dares are weird, but those questions are getting
pretty embarrassing (whispers) "Uh...dare?"
RANKO: "Okay...it's...YOUR turn with the powdered juice!...HA!"
(scene: Two days later. Kodachi is alone in her dorm room, wearing the same
outfit she wore when she moved in.)
KODACHI: (Playing the violin.) "That party was kind of strange. Wait a
minute, my whole life has been strange since I got here. I'm doing
all this odd stuff because of them. Jian's a great roommate,
though." (Hears the phone ring.)
CALLER: "Hello, is this Furinkan Junior High School?"
KODDACHI: "I'm afraid you have a wrong number."
CALLER: "Aargh! I get lost even when I let my fingers do the walking!"
(Hangs up.)
KODACHI: "The tight clothes, the loud laughing, the gymnastics....Are these
friends really worth it if I have to change my clothes and hobbies?
But are these clothes and hobbies really worth it if I have to
change my friends...?"
(scene: The school language lab near the end of the term, after class.)
STUTTGART: "...Why did you tie Ryo in a ribbon?"
KODACHI: "Well...I...I like him, in a way...."
STUTGART: "Do you like him as a friend, or is it a crush?"
KODACHI: (Blushes.) "It's a crush."
STUTTGART: "I know this can be confusing at your age, but if you like a boy
you should try to be friendly. Ryo's a kid, not a box to be
giftwrapped."
KODACHI: "Miyabi said that's how you make sure he notices you!"
STUTTGART: "I don't care if Miyabi flirts with ribbons. It doesn't mean you
should."
KODACHI: "But...but...but....Everyone else is doing it so why can't I?!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...."
(end flashback)
(scene: That afternoon, an hour after school ends, at the Tendos' house.)
RANMA: (Walks into the living room.) "Sorry I'm late! Miss Hinako made me
stay afte- Hi Mom!" (Splashes himself with a bucket of cold water.)
"How are you?"
NODOKA: "What was that for?"
RANMA-CHAN: "Oops, reflex reaction. Sorry."
SOUN: (Sitting around the coffee table with Genma and Nodoka.) "Hello.
Akane told me how you had been flirting with Kodachi at lunch."
RANMA-CHAN: "But that wasn't my idea! She showed up and I just asked her
why she picks on me!"
GENMA: (sign) DON'T WORRY, WE CAN STILL JOIN OUR FAMILIES EVEN IF YOU DECIDE
NOT TO MARRY A TENDO. THAT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY. WE SHOULDN'T BE
FORCING OUR CHILDREN TO DO IT FOR US.
RANMA-CHAN: "But how...?"
NODOKA: (Reaches out to hug both Genma and Soun.) "How do you think?"
The end.