"Actions Speaker Louder than Words"
(er part 2 right?)


I haven't read vol. 38 of the manga (Sorry Sean), so I'm "treading on
thin ice" with some of these comments. Please disregard anything that my
ignorance makes foolish.
1) In the opening section, Akane seems to apologize rather more quickly
and easily to Ranma than I'd expect.
(at the end of part 1 she nearly kills him with the tea she made for   
dinner- she's feeling a little conciliatory)

2) Don't waste space by repeating the mundane. Kuno gets in a full
paragraph of repetitive ranting. Since what he says has no plot content,
you don't need so much of it. Look for other places like this in the
installment, where a reader who's Ranma-familiar can fill in the blanks.
Replace those with your more original ideas that you were saving for
later.
(heh; ok - but kuno-blather is so much fun to pontificate)
3) It's best to bring forward the strong plot elements quickly. You do
have Nodoka telling Ranma to be nice to his fiancee, but the
consequences of this are so slowly and subtly developed that they don't
capture interest as powerfully as they could. P-Chan almost getting
neutered also seems kind of muted. The interesting stuff comes in at the
end of the installment, as a cliffhanger--but what would happen if you
began with it?
(I'm trying to set up a maturing process for ranma - the original title   
for this was "Ranma gets a clue" ^_^)
(the full scene at the vets will be revealed later from P-chans point of   
view- I will put it in part 3 or 4 but it's general ridulousness   
detracted from the somber mood I was trying to establish (I'll post the   
scene of what happened at the Ucchan in a later part also)
(part 3 will begin with it - and be more humor oriented I hope {note to   
self - learn to be funny ; quickly!})

THANK YOU - contructive criticism like this is exactly what I need - I am   
seriously considering re-doing this section (im not happy with most of   
the conversations in this piece. do you think they sound to forced?)

I look forward to reading the continuations of both.

DRM



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