Jesse Zamora wrote:

<snip a story...of a vamp named Kasumi>

	First of all, for the love of GOD, AND YOUR OWN SOUL...please use a
disclaimer in your fic. Most will see your title and simpl figure that
the story is a paraody or a non serious attempt and they certainly won't
be expecting "...the most disturbing scene I've ever written"

	Now for the story, at first, I was annoyed. The begining simply
followed the game's intro verbatim. The actors were different but the
script was the same. As I was reading I felt that old overwhelming
feeling that cross-overs which insert Anime characters in new roles are
MUCH better as ideas then as actual stories. Unless he's allowed to
improvise, Robin Williams plyaing Hamlet is still just Hamlet.

	Then you went on your own. The same script but with an interesting
subtext from Kasumi's point of view. I have to say, I was pleasently
surprised. The "scene" was a bit predictable but Kasumi's reaction does
a lot for setting the mood of what could happen and the tradgey that you
seem to be heading for. Not bad at ALL!

	Kuno and the Paladin are perfect together as neither loses anything to
be the other. Kasumi is an interesting twist on the Kain idea and gives
you lots of potential since you didn't change her character but had her
be changed through the course of the story, just keep on your current
heading and this bit's a classic. 

	Ranma's the problem, he just doesn't fit. It REALLY brings the
attention to the weakness of this kind of story. Vorapitor just seems to
have been played by a different actor. Sure, he's got chinese clothes
and a pig tail but not much else says Ranma. The personalities don't
fight on another, like with Kasumi, nor do they match harmonously, like
Kuno, they just don't fit.

	Try either to better match the character with another Anime cast member
(Bastard, D, Larva, Miyu or Taro might work) or be sure to show a bit
more insight into his character. Let us see HOW Ranma could become
Vorapitor. 

	Hmmmmmmm, I'm REALLY starting to like the Taro idea ;)

	Overall, just keep writing and beware that your story (like any other
story, really) has pitfalls that are easy to fall into. Beware miscasts
and letting the "Legacy of Kain" write your story for you and this one
should work out nicely.

(Opinions are like Dimenstional Hammers, rarely lethal till someone)
        (get's Glomped!)
                /
         Oo
        (~,)
         V