drift5@ihug.co.nz wrote:

Hi...I got the files and read them....I have a couple of suggestions
because I found them kind of a hard slog to get through.
  1) don't jump around from scene to scene so much. I kept losing
track of who I was reading about and where, as if it was a whole
bunch of books that had their pages shuffled together.
  2)avoid first person narrative (eg. I came around the corner) if
you are writing about more than one persons viewpoint. It gets really
confusing. Take one narrative style and stick with it for the entire
story....I would suggest 'the eye of God' technique (eg. As Ranma
came around the corner he daydreamed happily, imaginining Akane's
sweet smile. "Nani?" he thought as he saw...). It's the easiest way
to show everyones viewpoints, all the little plots against the
characters  and its the closest approximation of the manga/anime
styles.
  I hope this helps you somewhat :) Keep up the good work...

NeonB.

	Sob, thanks Sob, for repling to me. I really appreciate your input and
you're the first C&C'ers who actually had anything constructive to say
about the piece. I appreciate it.
	Ok, the eye of god approach could work but I prefer to keep the
perspectives to the main characters involved in the scene. Even if there
are two main characters there. In which case I would let one of the
characters reminise about the action.
	True it is a little hard for some people to keep track of whose the
perspective is taking at first glance but I wrote it to be figured out
as you read on. If I could, I would have split it into three colums with
the prespectives that are to be read around the same time but that would
confuse the heck out of everyone else even more. anyway, I keep so many
prespectives since I need to keep people who are going to appear later
in the story in the picture. 
	My chapter 3 which I am half done has about four main characters of
Nabiki, Guo, Moose and someone else. others who will be important in the
development of chapter four at that point are Akane, Ukyou, Shampoo and
Ryouga. anyway, there is more prespectives so that I don't say: suddenly
Mooks appeared out of thin air screaming Kill Guo Kill." and you have no
idea what they are doing that for.