Hi... did anyone read this? I  didn't see it come to the list- maybe I was
kicked off?, well anyway- C&C definately appreciated.

Duty, Choices: By Monica Shin

	In the back of my mind, I have been waiting for him to come again. 
I don't think that anyone has realized that I am doing so, except for my 
comrades- but only because they are doing the same for their loves. The four 
of us are already bound by our queen, but this secret wish is something else
we all share, hidden in our souls.

	Does our queen even realize? Can she know what we are waiting for?
It would surprise me if she did. After all, the ones we are waiting for have
been gone for millenia. She has been lucky with the one she loves, but we
must wait for the day when they may be reborn.

	Why do we wait? We didn't really. At least, I didn't- not at first. 
I gave up looking for Mr. Right, and just had relationships. There had been 
boyfriends, and even lovers during our long vigil, during our duty... but 
they had never lasted, and had never been more than friends. I would have 
been bitter, except for the slight hope in my heart that I hadn't even 
realized was there.

	When did I realize that I was waiting for one who had died so long
ago? It was when I had said goodbye to my latest, and last lover. He had not
been angry- how could he be? After all, we are who we are, and I had never
promised him anything. Instead, he said goodbye in a whisper, and told me
that he had felt like a substitute for another. Then he gave me one final
kiss, and hoped that I may find the one I am searching for.

	He could have become one of many faces that have started to blur 
in my memory, but what he said made me think. If he could see... I realized 
then that I had been trying to bury the memories in my mind. Just like 
Mako-chan had done so long ago, co-opting her memories of her love into 
another's face, I had done by ignoring it, trying to live on.

	Now, Mako-chan waits for her real sempai... she had realized long
ago that she had merely substituted that human boy for the one she really 
wanted. The rest of us four had come to terms with it as well. After all,
having nearly eternity to think about something makes it so that lying to
yourself is not an option.

	I am looking at my home, the city that I have protected for centuries
on end. The shining crystal is almost blinding to my eyes, but still, it is
a peaceful sight. I think back to another place- where the crystal had also
dazzled so, but on a different orbit entirely. My first home... where he and
I had met.

	I wonder if our queen remembers it at all- the love her four senshi
had had for her prince's guards. Her memories of that time are fuzzy, and
are usually focused only on her prince. We, on the other hand, are not so 
lucky. At least, I am not. We have never discussed it amongst ourselves, but 
I would guess that it is the same for all four of us- we can now remember 
all of it, but will not burden our queen with such...

	Even now, I can't help but remember how his eyes had shone, as he
gazed upon my new dress, or the way his voice had been in perfect harmony
with mine as we sang a ballad from the earth in honor of his prince's 
birthday. The way he had gazed at me, as if I had been the most important 
thing to him... He knew I felt the same- that I would sacrifice all for him. 
Sacrifice all, but my princess.

	When the deaths had happened- when my princess found the strength 
inside her to kill her love, and then had gratefully followed him to the
grave- those moments were the darkest in my life. She- the center of my
world- was gone. Beside me, I knew that he felt the same about his prince.
We had been unthinking, raging demons, unstoppable killers.

	I saw him fall, an hour? a day later? I couldn't tell how long I
had fought, only that I had sent many to their deaths. I saw him fall, but
did not stop- could not stop. I went on, until too many tackled my exhausted
body, and I died... I am glad that my queen does not know that, either. She
never realized what her death had done to us, never knew how important she
was to our lives, our sanity.

	The last image I have of that beautiful, dreamlike place is of his
unseeing head being torn from his body, and coming to rest near my unmoving
body. I made a promise to him that day. I promised that one day, we would 
meet again. That I would know him no matter what, and would never let 
ourselves part like this again.

	It was not a promise made in light, but neither was it one which
I have fufilled. It hangs over my head, as I recall it, and I want to be
able to make that wish come true. I wish I could I fufilled it, when I met
him again- but somehow Beryl- no, Metallia- had managed to get them first.
Managed to make them into her minions...

	At the time, how was I to know? He had been an enemy. A few half-
remembered memories could not stop either of us from acting the way we did.
He threatened me, and I killed him. Killed him- destroyed him with my flames.
I don't remember what I felt, except that I had thought that he had been
a monster- not human. Now...

	Now I know exactly who and what he was. Reincarnated, like us, into
this time. Searching for their prince, they had found Beryl instead. Used
and controlled, they were sent to destroy us, with their name a silent taunt
at what Beryl had known- who and what they truly were. How she must have
rejoiced at seeing us unwittingly destroy our loves!

	But I would not stop what I had done- not for all the wishes and 
wants of the world. He had been a threat to my princess, to me. No matter 
who he had been before, at that time, he had been an enemy- one who had
to be stopped. But- there is always that little voice, who tells me that I
could have neutralized him, if I had known- that I should have known, and
could have attempted to destroy the control Beryl had had over him 
instead...

	That little voice will always speak at my self-recriminating heart,
but I cannot listen to it. There are too many things that it could say to
me... Instead, I stand up, looking at the sun come up from the eastern 
horizon. There is still hope, that he may come back, that they may all
come back...

	Our king -no, he had still been Mamoru-san, then- came to us one
night, and wished to speak to us. He told us that he had had a strange dream,
of the Silver Millenium. Then he blushed, and asked whether we had been in
love with his guards- if we had been lovers.

	At that, all four of us couldn't help but to stare at the ground, at
anywhere other than his inquiring eyes, and nod. He stopped speaking for a
moment, before asking us to forgive him. Mina-chan had been in what I call
her "commander" mode- she took charge, and asked him to tell us why that was
of any importance.

	He took out a box from inside his jacket, and opened it. Inside were
four stones, looking considerably battered. No, not stones- semi-precious
jewels... Jadeite, Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite. Mina looked up at him
in askance, wondering why he was showing us these, when he told us. 

	He told us of how his four guards' spirits were within the stones
of their name, and that they had been with him, guiding him and advising him.
We were amazed- none of us had realized that such a thing had occured- though
perhaps we should not have been surprised. Mamoru-san's psychic powers are
very strong- probably stronger than my own.

	He spoke of how they had been his secret support- what we had been 
to Usagi, they had been to him, by their mere presence. That he had missed 
them, had wanted them by his side as they had been during the Silver 
Millenium. None of us had realized how much more he remembered of that
time than Usagi, or us. 

	When he started to speak of the distant past, our memories of that 
time crystalized as well. Memories of picnics, outings, competitions... all
the little trivialities of everyday life came into our hearts, and the love
that had gone with them. His relationship with our loves had been so close...
not merely guards, but friends, companions.

	Then, he smiled sadly at our stricken faces. I think he realized
how overwhelmed we must be... He apologized again, telling us that he had
never realized that his selfishness had kept our loves away. Then, he did
something none of us could have expected- he crushed the four stones, one 
after the other. How he managed to do so, I don't know... He must have used 
his powers. He tossed the dust into the wind, and then smiled at the four 
of us.

	He told us that someday, their spirits would come back, reincarnated
to another life... Then, he walked away. Ami realized it first... she saw
how difficult it must have been for him to do what he had done- release the 
spirits of his friends and protectors in the hope that one day, they would 
come back to him, and to us. Such a thing, for our happiness- that was when 
Mamoru became, not merely Usagi's prince, but ours as well.

	It has been so long, since that night. I kept from losing hope by
trying to have other relationships- though how normal they could be, I don't 
know- after all, I am Sailor Mars- one of the personal defenders of Neo-Queen
Selenity... But I tried, and managed, I suppose. All four of us dealt with
it in our own way, and tried to wait, live.

	Will they come? Will he come back? I don't know... I just hope that 
he will. That they will come back to make our lives complete, because we
will be waiting forever, if we have to. Our queen and king are not the only
one to have their love written in fate's stars. Our love can last as long
as their's...

	I know that we will meet again, Jadeite and I. Someday, he will come
and I will tell him how much I love him, how I would never let him go again.
Duty for my princess made it so we could not be together. But I won't let
that happen again- never again. We'll be together, forever...

	But even as I promise this to myself, I find myself wondering. Could
I put him above my queen? I look inside myself and find the answer... I am
who I am, made so by long, hard years of service. I can never put anyone 
above Serenity, not even myself, or my love.  He would know that too, if he 
were here- that is one of the reasons why I loved him. 

	We both knew,and would know now if he were here, that we exist to 
serve and protect our special person. I look back at my life, and cannot 
regret. I have loved well, and still truly love only one. But my life's work 
is to guard my queen- to be her protector, her friend. I will not regret 
living my life the way I did, or the choices that I have made. 

	Regret is merely a weakness- it does not serve any function for
my duties, for my life. I can wait forever, if I must. He will come again
and both of us will have our duty, and our love to keep us strong. Neither
of us will fail in our task again... It is a promise I make in my heart.

---Finis---

-----
Monica Shin/Akira-chan! --- monica@pipeline.com- Fav. Anime/Manga-
CLAMP stuffs- RGV, TB, X, MKR, CCD, 20 Menso, Dukylon, CCSakura, Wish
MBoy, GWing, Esca, SDunk, RKenshin, FY, YYH, EVA, Zetsuai/Bronze
Fav. Charas- Akira, Ashura-ou, Hiei, Hiiro, Kenshin, Subaru, Takuto
http://www.pipeline.com/~monica/ - fanfics, tradelist, scans!