My first post to this mailing list. Hope you like this one. (I've
already sent it to raac, but...who knows how long before they actually
post it....)

alhuang@hcs.harvard.edu
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang

January 2, 1997

  Just keep in mind that I don't do darkfics or sadfics.
  All Ranma 1/2 characters belong to Takahashi Rumiko-san and whoever
does translations. In short, they're not mine. Have fun.

And now, Oddzilla Productions presents....

"Life and Manhood" by Andrew Huang

<...>: thoughts

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  "Were you not willing to give your life for the art?"

  "My life, yes. My manhood is another story!"

  Ranma-chan looked blearily around her, cradling the half-empty bottle 
of sake in her arms. That bit of dialogue between her father and herself 
from such a long time ago ran through her head incessantly.

  The day had been another rough, rough one for him, more than usual. 
All the usual stuff had occurred, and then, _after_ dinner, usually a 
time for Ranma to rest, Ryouga, Kunou, Mousse...all of them had been 
out to get him, again. That had ended with him getting dumped into the 
river...and then Kunou really went ballistic. When she finally escaped, 
and had reached the Dojo, she was pounced upon by Shampoo. Akane, 
of course, hadn't taken this very well, and had proceeded to thrash 
her after punting Shampoo back towards the Nekohanten. She finally 
booted her into the cellar of the Tendou's home, where Ranma had been 
sitting for the past hour. She happened upon the cases of sake, and 
feeling particularly miserable, proceeded to get herself roaringly drunk.

  "My life, yes. My manhood is another story!"

  She looked down at her ample bosom. <What kind of man am I? Not 
much of one.> She angrily took another swig of sake. It was the first 
time Ranma had ever drunk a lot of alcohol. "Dammit...I'm not even a 
man at all!" Her thoughts wandered to the promise that Oyaji had made 
to Okaasan. Seppuku. Living in fear of--

  Living? Life. Manhood.... Ranma growled. "Well, Oyaji, you did make 
that damnable promise. Might as goddamn well go through with it. Not 
that there's anything keeping me here, anyway...." Her heart sank at 
the throught. Akane....

  Yes, he cared about her. Fought for her, destroyed his cure for her, 
everything for her, even perhaps...loved her. For once, Ranma decided 
not to try to squelch that line of thought. But what about her? She 
didn't love him. She couldn't. Not with the way she treated him. No, 
Akane wasn't keeping him here anymore. He had hoped...but....

  She staggered to her feet, her mind fuzzed by drink. She clambered 
up the stairs to the kitchen. No one was there; no one was near, at 
all. She looked at the sink. "W-well, if I can't live as a man, I m-
might as well die as one." She turned on the hot water tap, filled a 
cup, and doused herself. He took a last gulp of sake and set the 
bottle aside, making his way unsteadily out to the porch and towards 
the Dojo.

  He entered, looking around. There, on the wall, were the Tendou's 
family swords and knives. He walked over, picking up a naginta, and 
sank down to his knees. <Wait. I don't have a second to cut off my 
head.> His thoughts were remarkably calm for a drunken man about to 
attempt suicide. <Oh well. I guess I'll have to forgo that. I'll die 
honorably, if I can't live that way.>

  He raised himself up, still kneeling, and gripped the knife with 
both his hands, placing the tip right on his belly. His calm was 
rapidly slipping away. Tears formed in his eyes. <No. I can't stop 
now....> A fuzzy image formed in his mind, but he couldn't place what 
it might be. He took several deep breaths, holding the last, and 
started to press inwards....

  He broke the skin, sliced in a few millimeters, and with the pain, 
his mind suddenly cleared. The image sharpened...into...into....

  "Akane...." It was her face, an unreadable expression on it. "No...
I...I can't do it...." He let out a shuddering breath, and more tears 
came streaming down his face. A small trickle of blood oozed from the 
minor cut. He slumped forward, right hand still gripping the knife, 
but now on the floor, supporting his suddenly heavy weight. "I can't 
even die like a man...." he whispered.

  "Ranma? What are you doing?" Akane's voice came from behind him. 
Ranma's head jerked up, and he whirled around, nearly falling over. 
Akane stood in the doorway of the Dojo, a worried look on her face. 
"Why didn't you come out of the basement earlier? I...." She saw the 
knife in his hand, and the slowly growing bloodstain. "What...what 
are you doing!?"

  Ranma suddenly jumped to his feet, wobbling a bit. A drunken panic 
erupted in his head, and he stepped back, away from her. "Don't come 
near me! Don't!" He raised his hands, now holding the blade to his 
left wrist. "Don't! I swear, I'll do it!"

  Akane was horrified. "RANMA!!" She froze on the spot, not knowing 
what to do.

  "No, Akane.... Don't try to stop me! I...I don't have anything! 
Dammit...there's nothing for me here! I'm not even the man I'm supposed 
to be.... I have nothing...nothing. I can't even see my mom 
as-my-mom--! And-and--everyone wants to kill me! Nabiki sees me as a 
walking yen generator. Well, I've had enough...." He was starting to 
rant.

  Akane stared at him. <What is he doing? He never...he can't!> "No! 
Ranma, you can't do this!!"

  "Why do you care? You've never wanted me here! You hit me for 
doing the slightest wrong thing.... I thought you'd want me gone!" He 
started to press the knife against his wrist.

  That did it. Those words struck to Akane's soul. "NO!" She squeezed 
her eyes shut and clenched her fists. "No...Ranma! Listen to me! I-I love 
you! Do you hear me? I love you. I won't let you do it!! I WON'T!!" 
There. She had said it. It had taken extraordinary circumstances...but 
she had said it.

  Ranma stared at her. <What...did...she...say....> The knife clattered 
to the ground. "You...you love...." He sank down to his knees.

  Akane, hearing the knife drop, opened her eyes, now filling with 
tears. "Y-yes, Ranma.... I do...." She cautiously approached him and 
knelt down in front of him. "Don't you _ever_ say that you don't have 
anything here. You...you have me...."

  Ranma stared back. "Akane...I...I-I...I love...I love you, too...." 
He looked at the knife on the floor next to him. "What am I doing.... 
What did I almost do?!" He buried his face in his hands.

  Akane immediately embraced him. "You did the right thing, Ranma.... 
That's what's important." She hugged him fiercely, tears running down 
her own cheeks. Ranma only nodded in reply. They sat there, for 
several minutes, simply holding each other.

  <I love you, Akane.>

  Finally, the alcohol, exhaustion, and mental/emotional turmoil 
caught up to Ranma. He sank into unconsciousness, almost knocking 
Akane over with his weight. She gently lowered him down to the 
ground, and looked up to see her sisters, father, and Saotome-ojisan 
coming to the Dojo.

  "What's going on? Ranma! Get up...." Genma's words trailed off as he 
saw Akane's face. "What's wrong?!"

  Kasumi saw the knife and the bloodstain. "Oh, my...." Nabiki was 
speechless. Soun...was crying.

  Akane shook her head. "Don't...don't worry. He's only asleep. He's 
all right, now."

  Genma quickly picked up his son's slumbering form. "He's...he's been 
drinking...." He had never known Ranma to drink. He carried Ranma to 
their room and gently laid him down on the bedroll. The Tendous 
followed, and Akane knelt down by the bed, holding Ranma's hand.

  Nabiki finally managed to speak. "Akane...are you all right?" Akane 
drew a shuddering breath and nodded.

  "I am, now." She looked up, and smiled slightly. "I feel a lot better 
than...than I have in a long time." She looked back down at her fiancee 
and brushed a lock of hair from his face. "A very long time."

  <I love you, Ranma.>

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  What possessed me to write this little bit of an angst-fest? Hell if 
I know. I guess that one piece of dialogue from the first episode just 
kinda rang in my head one night, that bit about Ranma willing to die 
but not give up his manhood. And sometimes, I get the sinking feeling 
that it _would_ take something this drastic to provoke Ranma and 
Akane to finally admit their love for each other. (I get very, very 
frustrated sometimes when I see those two denying their feelings so 
freaking much.) Now, I normally wouldn't think Ranma would start 
thinking the way she did at the beginning, let alone attempt suicide, 
but...if he had a hard enough day and got really drunk.... Any 
comments? _=*Constructive*=_ (can't emphasize that enough) criticism? Go
for it.


>From the desktop of the Taiwanese-American-German-Scot,
	Wakko "Andrew" Huang
Brought to you by his computer, Oddzilla
Oddzilla says, "Ryouga and Ukyou! Ukyou and Ryouga!"
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang