heretic@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu wrote:

        Notes: This is a _very_ rough draft and outline for what I have
plotted out for my elseworlds idea (where the outline stops is where I'm
terminally stuck).  I _think_ I can flesh out the outlined portion of the
story by the time I unsubscribe for Christmas on Sunday evening, but I'll
give you what I thought up anyway so you can comment on it.
        If possible, CC any response to me personally since the FFML seems
a tad buggy and I don't know when or if it will show up there.

First thing is, I like your story, yes, really.
Still, there are some remarks I would send you.

First, why not give the China gang names the Chinese-looking
style that has already been seen in other fics?
Shampoo = Xian Pu
Mousse = Mu Zhu
Cologne = Ku Lon (Ko Long?)
That would help these characters being promoted from
comedic devices to main cast.

     As the fight began in earnest, Ranma initially pulled her punches
somewhat, assuming her opponent would soon stagger back or fall off.  Not
only did Shampoo fail to return the consideration, but she acted as if she
did not even feel them and did not even bother to block.  Within about
five minutes of the beginning Ranma noticed that her opponent was actually
beginning to bother trying to block, counter, and avoid her blows and
absently realized that she had stopped holding back; and the attractive
barbarian was actually giving as good as she got.

Erm, it seems to me that Ranma usually doesn't lose
control, i.e. maybe making the shift into a more offensive
mode a voluntary action, including some swallowing of
(formerly) male pride.

Night; Nerima District, Tokyo, Japan:

     Tendo Akane halted to catch her breath as she glared at the battered,
whimpering forms of her would-be assailants.  Her day had started off as
bad as usual (#STUPID BOYS!!!#), and had gotten considerably worse when
she finally gathered enough courage to tell Dr. Tofu her feelings that
afternoon.  To his credit he was exceptionally kind and gentle, explaining
that she was at best a close friend and allowing her to cry herself out on
his shoulder.  In some way's that made his rejection hurt even more.
     All she wanted to do now was take a nighttime jog to blow off the
last of her steam when a half-dozen thugs tried to blindside her and carry
her off... emphasis on the word _tried_.
     #Wait a minute!# Akane thought as she did a quick body count, #One's
missi-#
     Her body was already pivoting to meet the pipe-wielding opponent
before her concious mind totally registered his presence.  She immediately
prepared to avoid and counter his next move only to hop back with a bleat
of suprise when he stiffened and fell over unconcious.
     "Who...?" Akane said as she carefully stepped around the mugger
towards the figure in the shadows.
     "I am only... wanderer." said the tall figure in white robes as he
stepped out of the shadows.  Then he promptly fainted.
     Akane quickly moved to the side of the man slumped against the wall
and examined him for injuries.  She found nothing resembling a recent
wound, but his garb was rather theadbare and he looked like a man... no a
boy who hadn't had a full night's sleep or a decent meal in weeks.  She
bent over to pick up the ridiculously thick glasses and then took another
look at his face.  Suddenly all thoughts were driven from her mind except
for a single word
     #K-kakkoi.#

Although I find the Ranma/Shampoo start-up quite to my taste, this one,
however, is much more contrived than that. You are making short order of
a plot element in two lines, and do not mention the Dr in your further
notes. I would rather you either kill it altogether or make it part of
the Akane/Mousse romance.
Second thing, the plot device of "muggers attack girl". AAAAAARGH!
I have no specific idea to propose, but I certainly do not like
that introduction. Why not simply have Mousse drop at the Dôjô
to be trained by Sôun?
Secondly, Akane falling in such a short order for Mousse seems
completely out of whack with her confessed despise for boys. And
she's feeling *angry* at the beginning of the fight, so it is
surprising she at least doesn't growl for Mousse "butting in
her fight". That is, unless you're having her character change
dramatically from the Manga, in which case more exposition scenes
would help.

        (Mousse notices that Akane has a talent for his hidden weapons
style and agrees to begin teaching her.  Meanwhile Nabiki begins a new
series of pinup photos for the ladies of Furinkan. ;)

******

"talent"? If the anime is any hint, she's a natural *master* of the
hidden weapons style. Well, maybe a specialized sub-branch 8-)
However, *this* move by Mousse definitely may be something that
wins Akane over, but (IMHO) her natural reaction for this proposal
would be getting angry (as if it is a surprise 8-) at being patronized
by a fellow student. That is, of course, provided that Sôun takes
Mousse as a student and teaches him Anything Goes (expose why?)

        (Shampoo and Ranma end a drawn out running fight nose to nose in a
hot spring.  Shampoo seriously considers making advances toward Ranma but
his obvious nervousness gives her second thoughts and she halts out of
fear of ruining her much valued friendship with him.)

@_@

        (On the way home from the market, Kasumi picks up a lost black
piglet and decides to take it home and search for an owner.  Nabiki and
Akane already dub the pig P-Chan before Kasumi decides that it needs a
bath.)

Unless Ryôga's story is much different in your elseworld, he should still
be looking for Ranma in China, ne? Otherwise, his presence here has to
be explained.

        "Don't worry P-Chan," Kasumi said in an attempt to soothe the
struggling piglet, "it's just water.  I wouldn't let you drow-OH!"
        Fortuneately for the piglet, he finally managed to squirm out of
her grip.
        Unfortuneately he was right over the kitchen sink.
        "BWEE!!!!"
        *SPLASH!*
        "...."
        "Oh my!"

I saw a Kasumi-Ryôga pairing fic recently. Was it you? 8-)

        (Shampoo digs up an old map of Jusenkyo in her mothers storeroom
and brings Ranma up to the cliffs above the training ground.  She throws
him into the correct sping just as the guide shows up to inform her that
he saw a hooded form casting a powerful spell an few nights ago and now no
spring will affect an already cursed individual.  By this time Ranma has
leapt into several pools with no effect and is near panic, finally
breaking down and crying in Shampoo's arms.)

Why include the evil sorcerer? This is an Elseworld, so anything goes.
Unless you plan to use Tarô (the only character I heard of to have dipped
into more than one pond) why not make the "one curse only" rule your
canon.

        (Mousse is 'convinced' to start attending classes at Furinkan by
the local truant officer.  He allows Akane to begin charging the 'fan
club' (which _still_ haven't gotten the hint in spite of Akane
demonstrating her new skills on Kuno nore than once) but is suprised when
said club is trampled by a mob of young women clamoring for Mousse's
autograph, touch, body, hand in marriage, etc.

YES!

        (Cologne decides to test Ranma and Shampoo herself and the two of
them actually make her work up a sweat before she gets serious and puts
them both down.  She elects to dismiss the Saotomes on the spot and Genma
is happy to go.  Ranma leaves with some reluctance and sets up camp an
afternoons hike away from the village only to wake up with Shampoo next to
him.  Her alleged reasoning: "<I can't let the closest thing to
competition run out on me>")

<Jaw hangs open> Cologne dissmissing Shampoo's only prospective groom
like that? This particular one makes no sense to me, maybe the full
sceen contains an explanation, but I can't figure any.

        (Nabiki's latest scheme is seen through and foiled by a young
transfer student from the south of Japan.)

As much as Ryôga may end up litterally anywhere and not surprise us,
that Ukyô should arrive at Nerima before Ranma is much harder to swallow

        "Who- who do you think you are!" Nabiki said to the boy with the
spatula.
        "Kuonji Ukyo." he said quietly as he glanced over his shoulder.
        "Oneechan, what happened?" Akane asked as Nabiki stared at the boy
heading into the sunset.
        "I... I think I'm in love." Nabiki muttered.
        (Author's Note: Yes, I know this is contrived.  Anybody have a
better Idea or should I dump it entirely?)

There definitively are comedic opportunities there.

        (Ranma and Shampoo ar seperated from Genma during a major storm.
After changing back to normal, Ranma rescues an Oddly Familiar Looking
Woman.  After inviting her son and his companion home for a reunion,
Saotome Nodoka informs Ranma and 'Poo of her little 'agreement' with
Genma.  Shampoo tries to make a quick exit once Nodoka steps into the
kitchen, but Ranma insists that telling her everything is a matter of
honor and follows his mother.
        (Nodoka listens in shock to the whole story and finally,
tearfully, declares her son to be a better man than she feared her father
could raise and beckons Shampoo from the shadows.  During a more relaxed
discussion afterwards, Nodoka realizes two things: she genuinely _likes_
Shampoo a lot (seeing what she might have grown up like outside of
civilization in the girl), and that the barbarian and her son are very
much in love but aren't sure how to admit it to themselves or each other.

That doesn't sit very well, either. In the original, does Ranma
know at all about his dad's promise to his mother?
In the original, Nodoka agreed her son was manly in part because
"Ranko" had been acting so unfeminine.

        (Nodoka plans to help the kids track down her husband in the
morning, but a midnight phone call (Authors Note: From Col. Fury or M?)
sidetracks that plan with a summons out of the country.  At the airport,
however, she and Shampoo agree that Genma should be 'suprised' by her
return)

Nani? Didi you put that to see whether somebody was still reading?

Afternoon; Nerima District, Tokyo:

        "The zoo, Pop?  The _ZOO_!?" Ranma grumbled as the trio walked
down the street.
        "The cowards overwealmed me after I was drugged, son." read
Genma's sign, "I fear it could not be helped."
        "And zoo people have free food, yes?" questioned Shampoo with an
upraised eyebrow and a stern look.
        "Of course not" read the sign, the last word still glistening.
        "_YOU!!!!!!!_" cried a familiar voice behind them even as Ranma
drew breath to admonish his father.

Definitely put that one in...

        That's all I've come up with.
        My biggest problem is getting Ranma out of his engagements without
anyone getting disowned (yes, he and Shampoo _are_ getting together).  If
anyone knows more than I, could they speak up?

For that situation to appear, you will have to first set up the
various events that lead to the situation in the Manga. As it is
now, there is:
- Shampoo as a respected sparring partner. As Ranam never defeated
  her in combat, they are *not* engaged
- Ukyo bent on revenge, not marriage. As long as they do not meet
  again and he inadvertantly seduces her, both sides would be more
  tha happy to drop teh matter.
- Akane unaware of the engagement. This is the hardest. If she is
  in love with Mousse, it is extremely likely the Saotome's arrival
  will not flow as in the original. She is more than likely to
  flat-out refuse the engagement and, since you've made it clear
  that Nabiki saw her attraction to Mousse, I doubt she would
  push Akane in the engagement.

        Oh yes, I did manage to draw up a tenative relationship map for
the rest of the story in case anyone's confused:

        Ranma: Outwardly regards Shampoo as 'One of the Boys/Best Friend,
but deep down is in love with her and not sure how she'd react.
        Shampoo: Outwardly regards Ranma as 'One of the Girls/Best Friend,
but deep down is in love with him and fears she'd ruin thier friendship by
saying so.  Quickly picks up on Akane's feelings about Mousse and tries to
rein in her temper enough to play 'matchmaker', with limited results :)
        Mousse: Totally obsessed with Shampoo and hates Ranma with a
passion (so what else is new).  Regards Akane as a friend and talendted
student, but little more.  A bit nervous about the Mousse Appriciation
Society at School
        Akane: Has fallen hard for Mousse (to the point of never taking
out her fustrations on him).  Despises Ranma and Shampoo for shattering
Mousse's kind heart and then coming in to 'ruin' her chances with him.
        Kasumi: Seriously examining her feelings for Dr Tofu as she finds
herself falling for Ryoga, but too 'proper' to make the first move.

So you are going for the "intelligent Kasumi", are you? AFAIK, Kasumi
never displayed any interest for Tôfu-sensei in the original. She's
much too oblivious for that.

        Nabiki: Developing a serious crush on transfer student Kuonji
Ukyo, to the point of manipulating 'him' into dates (Author's Note: Is she
being fooled, does she care?).

*That* may be even zanier when you add Tsubasa to the mix.

        Ryoga: A Bit Peeved at Ranma over his curse (possibly conspiring
to hide it from him?) but not as severely as in OTL due to lack of
romantic rivalry.  Mousse and the Tendo's well aware of his curse.  In
love with Kasumi, but to horribly shy to do anything.

When the two first meet, Ryôga is incensed enough to come for a
rematch in the middle of the night and try to bash Ranma during his
sleep. *That* grudge is over the curse. A way to lessen the grudge
would be to have the Kasumi-Ryôga thing develop before he finds
Ranma. Which forces you to resort to the contrived plot device
of Ryôga wandering into Kasumi.

        Ukyo: Has apparently managed to conceal her true gender from
everyone save Shampoo and the Saotomes. On speaking terms with Ranma
(barely), but _really_ hates Genma.  Feeling increasingly confused and
guilty over her relationship with Nabiki and the deception inherent
within.

So Ranma only has to wiggle out of the engagement with one of the
Tendô sisters.

        Nodoka: Has no idea about Genma and Soun's 'agreement' and is
planning to give Ranma and Shampoo her blessing the instant they admit
their feelings for one another.
        Kuno: No Idea, but I cannot imagine he'd be too happy about Mousse
hanging around Akane.
        Kodachi: Ditto.  With the apparent timing Ranma would miss the
battle in OTL (Martial Arts Gymnastics vs Hidden Weapons Style, twould be
glorious!)
        Note that _nobody_ is terribly happy with the idea of the arranged
marriage save Genma and Soun (again, what else is new?).  Nabiki(?)
manages to talk them into giving Ranma and the sisters some time to get to
know each other before making any commitments.

You have *a lot* of work to dish out for all these elements to be
put together. Many things have to happen:
- Sôun and Genma's reunion
- the announcement of the Tendô-Saotome match (remember, any
  Tendô daughter would do)
- Ranma meets his mother
- Kasumi meets Ryôga
- Mousse tells his story to Akane
- Ukyô arrives in Nerima
- Ranma, Genma and Shampoo arrive in Nerima

And I certainly am forgetting stuff here.

        I say again that this is all I have of the story.  Comments,
questions, or offers of assistance anyone?

I'd do it, only never expect quick answers

A+

J.