Okay, so given that this seems to follow "Red" (both logically and
through the timeline that seems to have been established) are you going
to do the entire spectrum? Roy G. Biv? That could be interesting... I'd
like to see what you do for indigo...
On Sun, 1 Dec 1996, Joseph Palmer wrote:
"Oh, you should have seen it!" Akane chimed in. "He was reaching
for some carrots at the back of the display when those mist things
came on, and of course the nozzle picked that moment to come off,
I turned around and he, well she, was soaked."
heh.
Lately Ranma had noticed a change in Nabiki's attitude towards him.
Since he had moved out they had been getting along much more like brother
and sister. Her sarcastic barbs had mellowed a little, or at least had began begun to be distributed more equitably.
Not sure if this paragraph is necessary, though it does establish this as
being in that timeline you have in Red, where he's moved out and things
are a bit more advanced than in the manga...
"Mmm, yakisoba! My favorite! Thank you Kasumi." Soun took his usual
place at the head of the table.
"But, daddy, everything's always your favorite" Nabiki observed.
"Mmm well, that's true." He broke apart a pair of chopsticks.
Wouldn't they have household chopsticks instead of disposable ones?
They're not very economical...
After dinner Soun announced that he had a surprise, and produced a
new electric heater to mount to the bottom of the table for the upcoming
cold winter evenings. He and Ranma spent nearly an hour pouring over the
^^^^^^^ poring
"Where did you find liquid nitrogen on such short notice?"
"Oh now, it's not that bad, dear."
Ranma shut up. That was the first time she'd called him that, and even
in jest it was nice to hear.
Well, technically, she *has* called him "anata" on several occasions --
just not nicely. Maybe you could switch back to the Japanese, which is
what you mentioned you wanted to use anyhow, and say something about her
tone, to get that subtle nuance across...
"Hmm?" Nabiki's face lit up with a fiendish grin. "Akane you rascal!
That's way better than anything I came up with!"
So she's come up with stuff, hmmm?
Kasumi sat at the table across from Ranma.
"What is it, Kasumi?"
"Ranma, I'm depending on you to be a gentleman tonight."
"Eh?" Ranma was confused. What does she... Oh. That.
"Do you promise?" Kasumi gave him her stern look.
"No It's not like that at all. It's not like I planed to be here or
anything. Really, I put the pole through my clothes just like you always do,
the pole must have fallen or something. "
Hmmm... but the pole didn't fall... The question is, who did it? Kasumi,
who is also conveniently planting ideas in people's heads, or Nabiki...
or maybe even our whispering friend Soun, obviously up to something in
that conversation with Genma? Hmmmm...
"Look, I'm not saying that anything is going to happen tonight, I just
think it would be prudent for you to have some protection ready, just in
case...." Nabiki reached under her pillow. "Here, take this."
Akane let her eyes fall to Nabiki's hands. One was cupped over the
other, hiding the object inside. Akane held out her hand guiltily, Nabiki
pressed a small green plastic squirt gun into it. Akane blinked at it
"One squirt and you're safe!" Nabiki said with a strait face. Then she
began to giggle hysterically, rocking back and forth on her bed helpless to
defend herself against Akane, who was frantically squirting her. Akane half
emptied the gun then stormed out of her sisters room, slamming the door on
her way out.
"You Pervert!" she spat under her breath as she headed downstairs.
Akane could still hear her sister giggling from the bottom of the stairs.
heh.
"Okay, you can stay my iinazuke." She said softly, pulling him
downward. Ranma resisted playfully, then giving in he lay beside her. He
brushed the hair from her eyes and leaned over her, his lips inches from
hers. She reached up and wrapped a hand around the back of his head, and
grabbed his ponytail with the other. She tried to pull him downward, but he
resisted again with a coy smile. She pulled herself upwards to his lips. They
^^^ not sure if I can picture Ranma being...
coy. teasing, yes. Coy?
They looked in each other's eyes, trembling and questioning. After
what seemed like an eternity, Akane bit her lip and reluctantly shook her
head. Ranma smiled in relief and disappointment.
This seems a bit fast to get to "the question" -- and even having decided
not to, they might kiss a bit more...
The futon and quilt were cold against his legs and arms. He lay looking
at the ceiling panels, the room now glowed in a strange orange light. He
heard Akane return from the back, and enter the room. She knelt next to
Ranma and brushed the hair out of his eyes. He reached up and pulled her
on top of himself, his lips finding hers. They kissed passionately, Akane
lying fully on top of him, this time there was no guilt, no fear, just a joyous
sharing and anticipation.
I like the beginning of this paragraph, but I think the last sentence
needs work -- besides being a bit run-on, it seems, I dunno, less
powerful than the rest of the description -- less momentary, less individual.
She padded out of the room, he heard the first 3 steps, then a break
in the rhythm as she skipped the Fourth step. He turned on his side and
snuggled the pillow, it still smelled like her.
this reads a bit awkwardly...
At breakfast there were a few awkward moments as Nabiki tried to
accuse them of a night of torrid passion, Kasumi looked at Akane for a
moment, and the concerned look on her face dissolved. Later Ranma said his
goodbyes to the others and Akane walked with him to the gate. They kissed
again briefly and clutched hands, then Ranma ran for home, the approaching
storm no match for the one in his heart.
And I think this ending needs work. It seems a bit rushed -- maybe give
us the conversation instead of summing it up. And the storm analogy
seems, I dunno, not very moving. So I think the ending needs some work...
Overall -- this is, as usual, a lovely story, though it doesn't seem to
me to live up to "Red"... I do think, however, that the question of
whether or not to have sex needs a bit more treatment -- there doesn't
seem to me to be much conflict here. It's obvious that they're both
interested -- your description of the two if them together is plain in
that regard -- but it seems they're making it into an all-or-nothing
decision, which it may not really be. More to the point, it seems as if
*they* are treating it as an all-or-nothing decision, and I'm not sure
that works. If they haven't ventured far -- and from your description,
I'm assuming they haven't -- then it makes more sense for them to be
fixated on little steps, exactly how far they *are* going to go, than on
that final "big" step. There are a lot of stages between kissing and
all-out sex, and I would think they'd be more concerned with the stages
in between than the end result... or at least spend more time agonizing
about it...
There are a few typos I didn't point out, since they're obviously typos,
but not many. Looking forward to yellow... :)
mata ne,
bengman