NOTE: This has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with GRIT.

        Yet.

        *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

        There is a world somewhere in space and time where the
        characters of fiction live, awaiting their chance to once more
        step out onto the stage.

        Actually, there are a lot of such worlds.

        And on one such world, the Characters of Anime Fanfic
        (America) await their chance to appear in yet another story to
        be posted to groups such as rec.arts.anime.creative,
        alt.fan.bgc, alt.fan.sailor-moon, alt.fan.rumiko-takahashi and
        the Fan Fiction Mailing List.

        Some feel they've been waiting too long.


        *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *


        The Masaki home can scarcely be considered to be a haven of
peace and quiet. When there isn't some space noble or mad scientist or
incredibly powerful spaciotemporal monster to fight, the cast of
TenchiMuyo! tends to spend its time attempting to humiliate, outdo, or
occasionally kill one another.
        Ain't love grand?
        Today, however, the house sat quietly. Seated around the table
were the core cast of the series... more or less. Tenchi, Aeka, Ryoko,
Mihoshi and Washuu all looked relatively normal. Ryo-Ohki was in her
Adorable Humanoid Toddler form, munching idly on a carrot. Sasami was
in her Pretty Sammy guise, trying to find the hairbrush attachment on
her mace... wand... whateveritis. Kiyone (who is only in the cast in
the TV series continuity) sat beside Mihoshi, wearing her usual
longsuffering expression. Dad and Grandpa were conspicuous in their
absence, but a ghostly Tsunami stood behind Pretty Sammy, and an even
ghostlier Achika stood behind Tenchi.
        A hardcopy printout lay on the table: a list of the stories
added to the raac Fanfic Archive. Sorted by article count, the
combination of Ranma 1/2 stories and Sailor Moon stories came up to
about 60% of the content.
        If you consolidated all the articles which were part of the
same series, that percentage jumped to 80%, with Ranma holding 50% all
by itself.
        There wasn't even a single Tenchi story on the list, and only
a couple used any of the Tenchi characters in even a bit role.
        Thus the meeting, and the temporary peace in the household.
Somehow, some way, the dominance of the Ranma and Sailor Moon casts
had to be challenged... and the sooner, the better.
        "Can't we just kill them all?" Ryoko asked.
        "You know very well it's virtually impossible to kill a Ranma
character," Aeka grumbled. "And the Sailor Scouts already died once.
Killing them just isn't in the picture."
        "Well, we can't just sit here and do nothing," Kiyone growled.
"After all, our pride is on the line here. Are we going to allow
ourselves to be restricted to bit parts in mixfics?"
        "Don't knock it, it's work," Washuu smiled.
        "Sure, you're the one that gets used the most!" Ryoko said.
        "Miya," Ryo-Ohki said, mournfully looking a a script for yet
another Ranma fic, in which she had two "Miya!"'s and a ZORTCH. She
really didn't like ZORTCHing people, but nobody really got hurt, and
it was exposure. She'd rather be cute and munch carrots... but then,
being a heavily armed starship was useful in negotiating with those
who weren't affected by her normal cuteness.
        "I know, cutie-pie," Ryoko said. "It wouldn't be so bad if we
got better roles."
        "You know whose fault it is, right?" Aeka said. "It's those
stupid Authors! Why, if they gave us half the effort they put into the
Ranma fics, we'd be overworked!" Smiling, she continued, "Imagine, me
competing with Nabiki for that Twister person's affections!"
        Ryoko grinned. "Or how about the three of us in a lemon fic
written by Caroline Seawright, hmm?" She snuggled up to Tenchi, and
reached a hand around to goose Aeka. "Wouldn't that be fun, Little
Princess?"
        "HEY!" Aeka blushed. "... not in front of Sasami!"
        Pretty Sammy was too busy wrestling with her staff... stick...
whatever to hear. Behind her, Tsunami smiled knowingly.
        Mihoshi said, "I'd like to be in a darkfic. You know, the
sweet innocent oblivious character goes nutzoid and tears through the
entire cast with a blunt spoon before slitting her own wrists..." The
others looked at her in shock. "...or I could chase Lupin the IIIrd.
That'd be cute!" The others relaxed.
        Tenchi mumbled something. Washuu leaned over and said, "Speak
up, Tenchi. What's your fantasy story?"
        "Well..." Tenchi smiled slightly. "I've always wanted to go to
America..."
        "I just want a story, period," Achika's ghost whispered.
        "I think we've established that we all want more and better
roles," Kiyone said. "But how do we get the Ranma and Sailor Moon
casts out of the way?"
        "Get them out of the way..." Washuu murmured. A smile crept
across her face.
        "Have you got a plan, Washuu?" Tenchi asked.
        "We can't kill them, even if we wanted to," Washuu said. "But
we can drive them off... and with Ranma and Usagi and all their many
minions out of this world... well, all those American-"
        "And Australian," Ryoko said.
        "And Canadian," Aeka added.
        "Anyway... all those ENGLISH-SPEAKING... fanfic-writers,"
Washuu said, glare not inviting any further comment, "will be forced
to concentrate their efforts on other series. Which means more work
for everyone... including us!"
        "Then let's do it!" Ryoko said, as the others nodded
agreement.
        Just then the hairbrush popped out of the handle of Pretty
Sammy's <insert synonym for wand here>. As she brushed her hair, she
asked, "So, what are we talking about?"


        WHITE LIGHTNING PRODUCTIONS

        presents

        FICWAR


        Chapter One - The Firing on Fort Saotome!

        It was early, early morning in the Tendo dojo. Ranma and Genma
were already at it, hammering each other into the pond before the
usual day of work on various fanfics. Akane was preparing breakfast,
grateful that at least a few writers had had pity and given her the
ability to at least not poison people with her cooking; when she
wanted to, she could make edible food. Kasumi was lying on a deck
chair in the yard, tanning herself while she thumbed through a
swimsuit catalog, occasionally making a note of an item number on a
small pad. Nabiki looked over her earnings on her merchandising items,
particularly the illustrated version of Jon Hayashi's Anything-Goes
Marital Arts series, smiling wickedly. Soun Tendo was drinking large
pitchers of water, recharging his fluids for the day's regimen of
breaking into tears at the drop of a fiancee.
        About five seconds after both Saotomes fell into the goldfish
pond, the fence collapsed on top of them, driven down by the treads of
a small tank. In the cupola of the tank stood a short, intense-looking
woman, and hanging off the sides of the tank were two shapely catwomen
in skimpy tights. "FREEZE!" Leona Ozaki shouted. "Surrender now, and
we'll let you off lightly!"
        Nabiki quirked an eyebrow. "And what does the Tank Police want
with us?"
        "Ahh, shaddup, Little Miss Loan Shark," Anna Puma said,
leveling a submachine gun at the Tendo clan. "We've gotten tired of
your hogging all the spotlight. It's our turn!"
        "Yeah, from now on -we're- the stars!" Uni added.
        "....get...off...me..." a muffled voice called up from beneath
the planks of wood beneath the tank.
        "Oh, so you're going to take over," Nabiki said sarcastically.
"Well, oh my, I suppose we'll just have to give up and walk away.
Maybe if we're lucky we'll get an occasional cameo appearance."
        "So glad to see you're listening to reason," Leona said.
        "Oh, not at all," Nabiki grinned. "I'm just distracting you
while my sister gets into position."
        "Your sister?" Leona looked into the living room, where Akane
stood holding a frying-pan full of scrambled eggs. "But your sister-"
        "NATSUMI LOVE PILE DRIVER!" the shout came from above the
tank, and Natsumi the Magical Girl (alias Kasumi Tendo) drove a fist
down into the gun turret of the Bonaparte. The heavy armor dented
deeply under the impact.
        "Thank you, Rich Beaubien," Nabiki grinned.
        Leona stared at the costumed woman in angry shock. "You...
dented... my... tank..."
        "Uh-oh," Uni grinned.
        "Shouldn'ta done that, girlie," Anna added.
        "...... get.....offa....mee..."
        "YOU!" Leona reached out of the cupola and, with hysterical
strength, grabbed Natsumi's arm and slammed her over her shoulder into
the tank's front. "DENTED!" She raised Natsumi up and began twirling
her over her head. "MY!" Then, she let go, and as Natsumi collided
with the far wall of the Tendo home, she finished, "TANK!" Natsumi
stood, took one wobbling step, and collapsed to the floor, reverting
to Kasumi as she fell.
        "NOW WHO ELSE WANTS A PIECE OF MY TANK??" Leona shouted,
daring anyone to speak.
        "I do!" a voice shouted from behind her. Leona swiveled
around to look through the gap in the fence. There stood the Inner
Senshi, plus Chibi Usa, ready for battle.
        Sailor Moon stepped forward and posed. "Those who attack the
innocent and unjustly hurt the defenders of love and family shall be
punished! I am the lovely warrior Sailor Moon, and by the power of the
moon I will beat you to a bloody pulp!"
        "That's telling 'em, Moon!" Sailor Mars grinned.
        "Ah, so the little girls have showed up at last," Anna
grinned. "Don't worry, you have playmates all your own!"
        ".... will.... you..... please... get....offa...me...."
        Behind the Sailor Senshi appeared Ninja Team Gatchaman, also
ready for battle. "We'd rather not be forced to fight you," Jun said,
"but we cannot permit you to dominate any longer!"
        "Yeah! So pack it in, girls, or we'll call in our special
reinforcements!"
        "Oh, really?" Sailor Venus grinned. "We can take you out any
day! All we need is a banana peel to undo your ultimate technique!"
This subdued Condor Joe significantly. "What secret weapon could you
possibly call in?"
        "MIYA!!!" Overhead, Ryo-Ohki hovered, threatening the Tendo
home and everyone near it.
        "That... would...just... about...do...it..." Sailor Mercury
said. "Moon, can't you do something?"
        Unfortunately, Sailor Moon was lost to the world. "How
CUTE!!!!!" she grinned. "Ryo-Ohki! Oh, you're so darling! I'm your
biggest fan oh can I have an autograph I'll buy you all the carrots
you ever wanted..."
        "Miya???"
        "Meatball-Head's gone bye-bye, people," Sailor Mars grumbled.
"Mercury, what have you got left?"
        "Sorry, Mars," Sailor Mercury said, "I'm terrified beyond the
capacity for rational thought."
        "JEANNE-YVETTE!" a voice shouted. Suddenly, a short and overly
kawaii young woman on Rollerblades skated up, faster and faster,
towards the battle. Her eyes were locked on the giant spiky starship
overhead. "My darling Jeanne-Yvette! Come to Azuza!"
        Ryo-Ohki reacted fast and sure. ZORTCH.
        Azuza skated forward a few more inches before her Rollerblades
collapsed. She collapsed a few seconds later, charred and twitching,
mumbling, "Jeanne-Yvette..."
        Sailor Mars turned towards Sailor Moon. "Well, are you ready
to fight now?"
        Sailor Moon stared at the starship-cabbit, twitching and
laughing hysterically. The other Sailor Senshi stared and sweated.
        ".... I..... said.... get... off... me..."
        Leona, who had been enjoying the show, felt the ground beneath
the tank shake. "Did you two hear something?"
        Anna and Uni looked at each other. "Well, there was this girl
underneath us who keeps mumbling stuff..."
        Leona's eyes widened. "Oh, -shit,-" she gasped.
        "HIRYU SHOTEN HA!!!" Ranma-chan shouted, and suddenly bits of
tank, fence, and Tank Police flew into the air. Beneath the spray of
debris stood an angry, soaking wet, Ranma-chan, fist extended upward.
Beside her in the pond lay a still-unconscious Genma-panda. "Run me
over, will you..."
        "MIYA!" Ryo-Ohki shouted, and a volley of laser-fire hit the
fishpond, blasting the water, the panda, and Ranma sky-high. Ranma anf
Genma landed in the yard, changed back to normal by the superheated
spray of pond water, unconscious.
        "This does not look good," Soun muttered.
        "No kidding," Nabiki said. With Gatchaman and Ryo-Ohki against
them, and their bigger guns out of action or unavailable... "I think
we had better retreat for now, people." So saying, she ran into the
house, put Kasumi over her shoulder, and began running. "Dad, Akane,
get the others and scatter!"
        Akane grabbed Ranma, while Sound picked up Genma, and the
group ran off down the street.
        Sailor Mars stared at Sailor Moon, whose eyes were still
locked onto Ryo-Ohki overhead. "Sailor Scouts, I think we had better
retreat as well," she said, picking up Sailor Moon. Nodding, the
Scouts scattered in all directions, leaving Gatchaman and Ryo-Ohki in
command of the field.
        "Well, that went easier than I expected," Joe grinned.
        "MIYA!"

        Ryouga was lost. Yet again. Yahoo.
        In this case, however, he was lost fairly close to home,
having managed to find Tokyo after bouncing around, among other
places, Graviton City, El Hazard, Mega-Tokyo (a separate city from Old
Tokyo in this world) and Enterprise, Alabama. At the moment, he was
running down the street, actually headed towards Nerima Ward, about to
find the Tendo Dojo and his beloved Akane again.
        He barely saw the wooden door appear directly in his path
before he plowed through it. He kept running for five minutes or so
before noticing that his environment had changed radically. Around him
were enormous conduits, waterfalls, gardens and immense machinery, as
far as the eye could see. From an aquarium next to him, a pleisiosaur
gazed impassively at him.
        "Akane," Ryouga gasped. "Where am I now??"
        And not too far away, a short redheaded mad scientist grinned
as she sealed off the Lab behind Ryouga. Let's see him find his way
out of there, shall we?

        "Crazy alien girl no defeat Shampoo!"
        "Worry not, Shampoo, I shall defend you!"
        "I'm not Shampoo, you blind fool! Put your glasses on!"
        "Cologne! Since when have you been dying your hair blue?"
        "I'm RYOKO, idiot!"
        "Ryoko! So, you are the one who threatens Shampoo!"
        "No, -I'm- the one who threatened Shampoo!"
        "Oh! That would make you Aeka, then?"
        "No Aeka! Shampoo!"
        "Shampoo! My love! I-"
        *clunk*
        "THANK you," Ryoko, Aeka and Cologne all said, as Shampoo
tossed the bonbori she had used to render Mousse unconscious from hand
to hand.
        "Is no problem. Now we fight!"

        "Oh, wow, Kiyone, this okonomiyaki stuff is just SOOOO
delish!" Mihoshi squealed as she tucked into her fifth.
        "Not to be too picky," Kiyone said, idly stirring her soda
with her straw, "but weren't we supposed to attack the cook, instead
of running up her bill?"
        "Oh, well, can't we do that after lunch?" Mihoshi asked. "I
haven't had anything to eat since breakfast!"
        "Have another, ladies?" Ukyo smiled, flipping a fresh
okonomiyaki on her grill.
        "Oh, yes, please," Mihoshi grinned.
        "...noneformethanks," Kiyone grumbled.
        "Okay!" Ukyo grinned.
        "Oh, wait!" Mihoshi said. "I need a new drink! Waitress!"
        Konatsu looked up from cleaning the next table over. "Yes,
ma'am?" the transvestite asked, walking over to their table.
        "More saki, please- oops!" Mihoshi's hand slipped, and the
saki cup fell from her fingers and beneath Konatsu's feet. Konatsu
slipped, clipping the table with his temple, and fell unconscious on
the floor.
        "Oh, my! I'm so sorry!" Mihoshi squealed, scrambling over to
help the waitress... waiter... whatever... to his feet. As soon as she
let go, however, Konatsu fell back down, this time upsetting the
cluttered table nearby. Dishes fell to the floor and shattered.
        "What are you doing?" Ukyo asked dangerously. Quickly taking
the okonomiyaki off the grill, she leaped over the bar and confronted
the dithering blonde woman, who was on the verge of tears.
        "But I didn't... I wasn't... I didn't mean to..." Mihoshi
sputtered, eyes growing more full of tears with each moment.
        Ukyo loomed over Mihoshi like a dark spirit of vengeance.
"NOBODY breaks up my business! You got that? NO-"
        CLUNK!
        Ukyo fell senseless to the floor, and Kiyone pulled back the
serving tray she'd used to knock the cook out. "There," Kiyone said.
"Let's tie them up and get out of here."
        Suddenly, the wall of Uuchan's blew inward, and Shampoo ran in
and grabbed Ukyo, hauling her with her as she ran out the door and
down the street. Cologne hopped in behind her on her staff, pausing to
look at Konatsu, shake her head, and follow her granddaughter down the
street.
        A few seconds later, Ryoko and Aeka walked through the hole in
the wall. "Well, that went pretty well, all things considered," Aeka
said.
        "Miya!" Ryo-Ohki cried, scurrying in the doorway in cabbit
form.
        "And you did good too, didn't you, Ryo-chan?" Ryoko said,
picking Ryo-Ohki up and cuddling her to her cheek.
        "Miya miya miya!"
        "So, looks like we've won, then," Kiyone said. "We didn't even
need our other allies."
        Washuu appeared behind the counter and picked up the
okonomiyaki. "I'm afraid it's not that simple," she said. "We may have
won the first battle... but the war has just begun."

        And over at Tomobiki High School, the Ranma 1/2 and Sailor
Moon forces began to regroup... and recruit allies of their own...

        TO BE CONTINUED

        *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

        Okay!

        This is my answer to the predominance of Ranma and Sailor Moon
fanfics on raac. Still, it wouldn't be fair to those who support the
forces of R&SM to just let the story end with the Tenchi cast and
their allies running roughshod over them!

        So, I challenge you to respond!

        Write up your own counterattack! How does Ryouga escape from
the depths of Washuu's lab? Whose side shall the cast of UY take? What
happens when Ranma faces off against Nuku-Nuku? Will Usagi ever get
her act together long enough to do anything useful? Can Pretty Sammy
get that hairbrush back into her wand?

        Go ahead and write your own "FicWars" installment. The
        following rules apply (and ought to be pretty simple):

        * NOBODY DIES. They get bonked, zortched, hammered, etc., but
        nobody dies.

        * AUTHOR CHARACTERS ONLY BY PERMISSION. This is just common
        courtesy.

        * MAKE IT SILLY. REALLY REALLY SILLY.

        That's pretty much it. You can even have members of various
casts defect to the other side, or remain neutral, or whatever. All's
fair in love and war, y'know.

        Send me your stuff (redneck@txdirect.net) so I can coordinate
the mess and make sure we don't have -too- many multiples of anime
characters running around.

        Now, to sit back and await response, and prepare the next
assault on the strongholds of the Ruling Elite. Heh, heh, heh...

        ---Redneck