Futaba-chan sat on a park bench and sighed. It was that time of the
month again. Stuck as a girl for three days, like it or not. Even that
wouldn't be so bad if...
Every passing man gave her appreciative glances. She prayed none
of them would come close enough for the cloud of pheremones she was
emitting to start to affect them. She tried to stay calm. Getting
agitated would only make matters worse. After two years, I ought to be
used to this, she thought. It would probably help if I wasn't so cute
already before these stupid pheremones started warping people's minds.
At least Misaki-chan doesn't mind. Well, doesn't mind anymore than
I do. Futaba-chan smiled. Sometimes I wonder how she can stand all the
craziness in our lives.
Then she heard the words that always sent a shiver up her spine at
this time of the month. "Hey, look, it's Shimeru Futaba! You know, the
idol singer!"
She turned and saw a group of boys staring at her, then starting
to come over, hearts in their eyes. She sighed. Here we go again...Idol
singing will make me rich, but it may kill me first...Thanks a lot, Dad...
**********************************************************************
Lemon Sherbet 10:
"The Time Travel Episode"
**********************************************************************
You'd think running for your life from a horde of hormone crazed
boys was about as bad as it gets. You'd be wrong. Futaba-chan ran down
the middle of the street, a maniacal horde just behind her, begging for a
date, an autograph, a touch, mad passionate sex.
She saw Misaki-chan walking down the street towards her. She
simply scooped up Misaki and kept running with Misaki now sitting on her
shoulders. "Hiya, Misaki-chan. This is the last time we EVER meet in
public at this time of the..."
Misaki sighed. "I'm sorry. I forgot." She waved her fist at the
crowd. "Back off! She's taken!"
They didn't care. Neither did the tiny withered man who leaped off
a rooftop onto Futaba-chan's chest. "Sweeto!" Futaba acked, and Misaki
started pounding on Happousai's head, which was about as effective as
trying to drink the sea through a straw.
However, something more effective soon showed up. A black-haired
boy with a pigtail leaped off a rooftop and landed on Happousai's head,
knocking him off the still running Futaba. The boy then dropped to the
ground and punted Happousai into orbit, then turned to Futaba-chan,
easilly matching her running pace. "Sorry about that. The old man is a
total pervert."
Futaba-chan looked at the boy. He looked vaguely familiar.
Ranma looked at the two girls. Haven't I seen them before?
Chemicals infiltrated his mind. She's...so beautiful.
Futaba-chan sighed, seeing the ever so familiar look of lust take
over the boy's brain. The bad part was...he seemed easily capable of
keeping up with them. Well, time to try and maybe take advantage of
this..."Do you think you could get those guys off my trail?"
Ranma nodded. "Sure thing, beautiful." He turned and leaped into
the mob. Futaba-chan kept running. Misaki looked back and saw Ranma was
beating the mob to hamburger meat. By the time Futaba ran around a
corner, the mob was scattering in all directions. Misaki breathed a sigh
of relief and leaped down. Misaki stood for a second with her eyes closed.
"Are you okay, Misaki-chan?"
Misaki breathed deeply instead of answering, then opened her eyes.
"That was close."
"You mean?"
She nodded. Before she could say anything else, suddenly, the boy
popped around the corner. "Hiya, beautiful! Interested in a date?"
Misaki frowned. "She already HAS a boyfriend."
"Hey, I'm open! My romantic life is already so tangled anyway...I
can't afford to be the jealous type. So whaddya say?" Ranma could
hardly believe what he was saying. My lust is controlling me! This
isn't dignified. He closed his eyes and struggled for a moment. For no
apparent reason, a nearby fire hydrant chose that moment to rupture,
spraying down Misaki, Futaba-chan and Ranma.
Futaba blinked as Ranma suddenly turned into a girl. Ranma-chan
blinked as Misaki suddenly turned into a boy. She must be a
Jyusenkyoite like me, she thought. Ranma-chan also blinked as
she felt the fires of lust in her mind suddenly go out. Her mind
cleared. "I...sorry about that. Something must have rubbed off on me
from Happousai. Uhh...about this..." She pointed at herself.
Misaki-kun and Futaba-chan both blinked, having seen Ranma-chan turn
into a girl. Futaba-chan smiled faintly. "I see we're all in the same
boat."
Ranma-chan blinked. "We...oh. So you're really a boy and she's
really a girl?"
Futaba-chan nodded. "Yeah."
Ranma-chan smiled. "I'm hungry. Want to get something to eat?
Beating up your admirers really made me hungry."
"Sure! Let's go!" Misaki-kun said. "I could eat a horse."
********************************************************************
<In the Halls of the Command Center>
After a several episode gap, the Legion of Subsitute Senshi finally
got some screen time. Sailor Moon said, "It seems like we've been
wandering through these hallways forever!"
"Since Episode 2," Tuxedo Umino Kamen said. They turned a corner
and saw...a computer terminal! Tuxedo Umino Kamen almost drooled. "Hey,
maybe I can use this to find them." He went over to the computer. The
screen said:
Can I help you?
He typed in 'Where are the prisoners?'
The Computer spoke. "What is your security clearance, Citizen?"
He blinked. "Umm. Top Secret?"
"That is not valid. Please give your security clearance."
"Uhh...Very high?"
"That is not valid."
"My name is Tuxedo Umino Kamen?"
"That is not valid."
This went on for several minutes. Finally, Sailor Van Allen Belt
stomped over. "WHERE ARE THE PRISONERS?"
"Please state your security clearance."
"Tell me or I'll magnetize your memory banks!"
There was a pause. "Clearance accepted. Please specify prisoners
by ID Number."
"What if we don't know?"
"That is not valid."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
***********************************************************************
Later, Misaki-kun lay in bed with Futaba-chan, their arms twined
around each other. His parents would die if they knew what his
late-night study session at Futaba's house had turned into again. Of
course, for that matter, if they just knew what their daughter had turned
into, they'd probably spontaneously combust.
He didn't have the advantage Futaba had of having parents who saw
this all as perfectly natural. It didn't run in Misaki's family. In
fact, if Misaki hadn't been dating Futaba, he would still be a she 100%
of the time.
Futaba-chan had drifted off to sleep, wiped out from another day of
warding off the attentions of half the men on Earth, but Misaki-kun
couldn't sleep. For one thing, he had to change back and go home soon.
His parents were expecting him. Futaba's parents didn't seem to care.
Heck, Futaba's father, at least, had encouraged the two of them...Misaki
smiled faintly, remembering their first time.
************************************************************************
Obligatory Flashback Sequence #3
* * *
It had been about a year ago. Misaki and Futaba were in their last
year of Junior High (9th grade in US system). They had been dating off
and on for about a year by that point. There had been a variety of
problems. Misaki had totally freaked out when she found out about
Futaba's curse. Not so much over the curse, but over the fact that
Futaba hadn't told her about it. She had confided many things to the
female Futaba, and thus she felt betrayed. Yet, they had gotten over
that, for Misaki had had an experience that helped her to understand why
Futaba kept this secret from her.
Misaki had turned into a boy a few times herself. She hadn't
understood why at the time. She had been badly injured, and when she
recovered, she started turning male at irregular intervals. The
intervals slowly grew farther and farther apart, until finally, they
seemed to stop altogether.
It had been terrifying. She had told noone, not even her closest
friend, Negiri. Luckily, it had never happened while anyone was
watching, and with effort, she had concealed it. She had had strange
dreams too. Romantic feelings towards the female Futaba had surfaced in
her dreams, and that terrified her as well. She didn't want people to
see her as some kind of freak.
It was the memory of that, brought back to her by an accidental
comment of Negiri who had been trying to comfort her without even knowing
WHY Misaki needed comforting, that had brought her to reconcile with
Futaba. Of course, then Kurin, Futaba's fiancee through an arranged
marriage made when both of them were but infants, had shown up. Then
other problems. Misaki had never dreamed her first boyfriend would bring
so much trouble into her life.
And yet, she didn't mind. Futaba's family liked her and her
family liked him. Of course, they didn't know his secret, but that had
its own advantages like Futaba-chan being able to stay overnight at her
house.
The one problem they hadn't figured out how to get around was sex.
Or rather, the impossibility thereof. With effort and practice, Futaba
had gained enough control that he could stay male while they kissed and
hugged and snuggled, but going any further than that either caused him to
turn female or faint from the strain of trying to resist the change, then
turn female anyway.
It didn't help that both of them were too embarrassed to talk
about it. Misaki was naturally shy, and Futaba felt inadequate because
he couldn't give his girlfriend what they both wanted. He had tried
talking to his Dad, who shrugged and said, "Now you understand why we
normally marry someone who has the same condition as us. I have a lot of
control...but not THAT much control. You'd have to become a zen
buddhist master or something...and then you wouldn't enjoy the sex anyway."
It wasn't until later that Futaba had realized that his father
hadn't actually lectured him on waiting to have sex or anything. He
hadn't quite had the courage to go back and ask for a clarification on
that point.
And thus it came to one late night when they were kissing after a
date, sitting on Futaba's bed. Misaki wasn't expected home that night.
Her parents were out of town and supposedly she was spending the night at
Futaba-chan's house. Futaba's hands were roaming up and down her back as
their tongues grappled inside each other's mouth. Misaki felt a
delicious thrill running through her body. This was the longest they'd
ever been able to do this without Futaba changing. The only bad part was
she knew if they did what she wanted to do next, he would turn into a
girl.
The thought flitted through her mind, too bad I can't turn into a
boy anymore like I did last year, then we could...Her mind tried to
suppress the thought. The problem with trying to not think about
something is that you have to think about it to not think about it. The
only real way to get rid of it was to think of something else, but the
logic of the other thing she had to think about, namely making out with
Futaba, inevitably lead her back to thinking about how if she could turn
into a boy, they could have all the sex they wanted. Of course, they
could just make out as girls...but that wasn't quite what she wanted. It
didn't seem natural to her. On the other hand, turning into a boy and
making love to a girl, even if the girl was really a boy, didn't quite
seem right either. She felt rather ecchi. The worst part of it was that
the ecchi thoughts were turning her on even more. She couldn't stop
herself from starting to unbutton her own shirt. Her mind was cycling
between fantasies of Futaba making love to her, and her making love to
Futaba-chan.
Futaba realized what she was doing, then squeezed his eyes shut
for a few seconds. She recognized this was a sign that he was starting
to lose control. Yet, he somehow kept control. His eyes opened and his
hands moved up to help unbutton her shirt. They'd never gotten this far
before. She was more excited than she'd ever been before in her life.
His hand hestitantly came up and touched her breast. He still didn't
change. Maybe this time, he'll actually be able to hold out, she
thought! "Ooooh, Futaba-kun..."
He smiled. "Misaki-chan! Maybe we..."
She touched a finger to his lips. Better not to call the attention
of the gods to them. She stripped off his shirt and ran her fingers up
and down his chest, smooth and mostly hairless, with well-defined
muscles. She could feel him touching her breasts, not quite certain what
to do next. Excitement flowed through her like a current. And then...
She guided his hands down to undo her skirt, then reached to undo
his pants. The sight of his underwear sent strange feelings through
her. She paused for a moment. She'd felt this way before...when? The
realization struck her. This was a lot like how she had felt before
those times she had transformed into a boy. She froze up...am I going to
change again? No, not NOW! Not when Futaba wasn't going to change.
Futaba had just taken off her skirt and paused again, his eyes
closed. He struggled. The urge to change was growing overwhelming.
Somehow, he fought it off and opened his eyes, only to see Misaki had her
eyes shut and a clear look of strain on her face. Was something wrong?
Had he screwed up somewhere? "Misaki-chan! What's wrong?"
Worry seized him, and with it came the change. His hair turned
green and somehow, his hairstyle changed to a more feminine style. His
whole body turned female. Her chest was exposed, but she didn't care.
"Misaki-chan?"
She opened her eyes, then sighed. "For a moment, I thought I was
going to turn into a guy again."
Futaba-chan laughed nervously. "Maybe we'd be better off if you had."
There was a voice from the doorway. "Not bad, Futaba. You're
getting better." They both turned, recognizing the voice. It was
Futana, holding a stopwatch. "You beat your last time by five minutes!
I don't think I've ever managed to hold out that long under that much
stress." She smiled. "Of course, I wouldn't want to resist the change
if I was in your position."
Misaki glared and covered her chest, even though she still had her
bra on. Deep down, Misaki thought of Futana more as a guy than a girl,
whatever her birth gender might have been. "You TIMED us?"
"Hey, just trying to help out."
"Get out of my room, Futana!" Futaba-chan shouted.
Futana turned and walked away smirking.
Futaba-chan sighed and turned to Misaki. "I'm sorry,
Misaki-chan. I thought I had done something to..."
She leaned over and kissed Futaba on the cheek. "I know. I
wouldn't have bothered to resist if...I mean..."
Futaba-chan blushed. "You really think you were about to...?"
Misaki blushed. "Deep down, I knew you'd end up
changing...Sometimes I fantasize about..." She blushed more. "You know..."
There was a knock on the door.
Futaba and Misaki hastily got dressed, then Futaba-chan answered
the knock. It was Futaba's dad. "Sorry to interrupt you, but before you
do anything foolish, Misaki and I are going to have a little Father-son
talk." He grabbed Misaki and dragged her off down the hallway. Futaba
simply stared for a moment.
"But I'm not your son!"
"Well, I'm not your father, either, so that makes us even. We'll
be back in a little while. You just stay here, Futaba."
"I...but...I..."
"I sent Futana to go buy some groceries, so you should be safe
alone. Come along, Misaki."
Misaki followed along helplessly. Futaba-chan just sort of stared
mindlessly after them until they turned the corner out of sight.
They walked out into the hallway. "Put on your jacket. We're
going outside. Misaki put on her jacket and hat as they stepped out of
the house. She turned to Futaba's father, only to see he had
transformed, and was now his female self, more famous as the actress
Iroka Kahoru.
Kahoru smiled at Misaki-chan. "I guess we'll call this a
mother-daughter talk."
"I'm not your daughter either!"
"And I'm not your mother. So we're still even." They started to
walk down the street.
"So...umm...what did you want to talk to me about?"
"I'm getting the impression that you and Futaba are having some
problems because of his changing."
"Well, I've gotten pretty used to it, except..." She stopped and
didn't go on.
"For situations like tonight."
She nodded silently.
"Well, don't expect it to change. I've got several decades of
experience on him, and even I can't stay male when I'm doing that."
Misaki sighed. "In other words, we'll never be able to..."
"Well, there is one way to have children."
"But you said..."
"Artificial insemination would work. Of course, I don't think it's
the having children part that you're worried about."
Misaki nodded. Well, that was one tiny relief, but Ihora-san was
right. "How did you deal with this at our age?"
"I didn't have a girlfriend. I was too scared to try and date
anyone because of my condition. Plus, my parents wouldn't have let me
date someone who didn't change. Our family tries very hard to hide our
secret so we won't be treated as freaks." He sighed. "It gets harder
now, with modern medicine, computer records, and other things."
Misaki nodded. "So, in other words, if we want to...we'll have
to..."
Kahoru looked at her appraisingly. "Well, there is ONE other
option."
Misaki said hesitantly, "There is?"
"Well, several other options, but this is probably the only
realistic one."
"Well, what is it?"
"Well, those of us with our...condition...we all go to the same
doctor, when we can. To minimize the number of people who have to know
about us. Well, this fellow found something in our blood. It seems to
be able to trigger the change in others for a while, until their body
metabolizes it away." Misaki jumped. She looked inquiringly at
Misaki. "Is something wrong?"
"So that's what happened!"
Iroka said, "That's how what happened?"
"I've...I've changed before...into a boy. It was right after an
accident and they had to give me a blood transfusion."
Iroka nodded. "I bet they used Futaba's blood. You two have the
same blood type, right?"
Misaki nodded. "I was really lucky. My blood type isn't very
common."
"So...I don't know if you'd be willing to try it...but if you and
Futaba want to..."
Misaki shivered and it was more than just the wind. Could she
really do this? I want to be with Futaba...Do I want it this badly?
"I...how long do the effects last?"
"A few weeks after one injection."
Misaki nodded. "That's how it was last time." She paused.
"I...I'll need to talk to Futaba about this."
Iroka nodded. "It's no rush. I have some in the refrigerator if
you're interested. I've been meaning to talk to you about this for a
while, but the time never seemed quite right."
Misaki paused. "You don't seem to mind that..."
Iroka laughed faintly. "You're a nice girl, Futaba's a good boy,
and if I tried to say no, you'd both go sneak off and do stuff anyway.
Much better that it be you, someone I trust to be discreet and careful,
than the sort of girl he might end up with otherwise." She sighed. "One
of these days, Futana is going to get in trouble. Well, MORE trouble."
Misaki said, "She brings it on herself."
They came round the block and back to the house. As they came in,
Futaba was waiting, a boy once more, at the door. "What kind of crazy
stories have you been telling her, dad?"
Misaki smiled nervously at Futaba. "We need to talk."
They did. One very nervous talk and an injection later, they were
back in the bedroom with the door locked, the shades drawn, and the
closet thoroughly searched. Futaba closed the closet door and looked
under the bed, just to be sure.
Misaki sat on the bed, an odd tingly feeling running through her.
If she had been nervous earlier in the evening, she was twice, maybe
three times as nervous now. Will it even work? she wondered. I haven't
changed yet. Futaba turned and smiled at her. "Are you...I mean...ummm..."
She smiled at him. "Well, assuming this even works..." I can't
believe I'm doing this...I must be completely insane.
Futaba sat down beside her. "Now we just have to get you to
change and..."
"You too."
He laughed faintly. "My whole life shows that's WAY too easy."
He suddenly grabbed her and kissed her. She instinctively wrapped her
arms around him and they kissed deeply. Suddenly, the change came over
her. A few seconds later, she could feel Futaba change as well.
Suddenly, instead of her breasts pressing into his chest, Futaba-chan's
breasts were pressing into Misaki-kun's chest. Every ecchi thought he'd
had earlier flooded back into his mind full force. They kept kissing for a
long moment, then opened their eyes.
Misaki-kun looked up and down at Futaba-chan. You're so beautiful,
he thought. I want you so badly. I've had these fantasies for so
long... "I love you, Futaba-chan."
Futaba-chan smiled nervously and said, "I love you too,
Misaki-kun." She reached over and started to unbutton Misaki's shirt,
which was now simultaneously too small and too loose in front. They
swiftly got Misaki's shirt off, then she undid Futaba-chan's shirt, while
Futaba-chan undid Misaki's skirt. Misaki-kun reached down to undo
Futaba's pants, then noticed Futaba-chan staring down at his underwear.
It was at this point that Misaki really noticed several things.
One, his panties were too small and very uncomfortable. Two, this was
because they were cut wrong and because his manhood was getting aroused
which made the crowding worse. The sensations coming from his manhood
were alien to Misaki-kun, who paused, trying to decide if he liked them.
He did indeed. He liked them very much. On the other hand, he seriously
disliked the discomfort he was experiencing. "I should have changed
underwear...uhh..."
Futaba-chan smiled. She swiftly slid her hands down Misaki-kun's
side, and hooked the underwear with her fingers. "I know how that
goes." She slid the underwear down to where Misaki-kun easily shook it
off. Misaki-kun swiftly took off Futaba-chan's pants, then reached for
her underwear. Futaba-chan shuddered slightly and brought one of
Misaki-kun's hands up to touch her left breast.
Misaki-kun and Futaba-chan both shuddered as Misaki-kun began to
slowly stroke her breasts. They both hesitated for a moment, then
Futaba-chan reached down and touched Misaki-kun's asoko. It quivered and
became more erect. Nervously, she ran a finger up and down its length.
Misaki-kun moaned slightly, then pushed Futaba-chan back on the bed and
knelt over her, dropping her head down to lick Futaba's right breast.
Futaba-chan moaned louder. "M...more..."
Misaki took every fantasy he'd ever had and put it to work. He
knew what a woman wanted. Well, SOME things, anyway. That was an
advantage of normally being a woman. Feeling Futaba's hands on his body,
arousing him further, he suspected that Futaba-chan had the same
advantage. He could feel his manhood throb as Futaba-chan stroked it,
her hands surer now. Her eyes were closed and her face was shining with
pleasure as he made love to her. He could feel...something. Something
was about to happen. Unfortunately, he wasn't sure what.
"Futaba-chan..."
"Yes, Misaki-kun?"
"Ummm...I have this feeling like...Well, my...uh.."
"I think it ...ooooh...means you're about to come..."
"Right...Umm...what do I do next?" Okay, that sounded stupid, he
thought. I mean...I sort of know the basic idea...but how do I aim? And
how do I make sure I hit the right spot?"
"Uhhh..." Futaba-chan wasn't entirely clear on how this worked,
either. "I guess I try to...uh...guide you in?"
They both fiddled around with their hands on Futaba-chan's sex and
Misaki-kun's manhood, managing to make themselves even more aroused.
Finally, they thought they'd managed to line it up right. Misaki-chan
said, "Hurry! I think I'm going to come really, really soon..."
Futaba-chan nodded. "Now." Misaki-chan thrust down, then struck
something.
"There's something in the way!" Wait. I know about this. It's
the...uh...Maybe I imagined that. I'm not missing entirely and pushing
into the bed or something, am I?
Futaba-chan panicked. Have I got some weird anatomy problem? I'm
not starting to turn back into a guy, am I? Oh god, that would be
awful! Wait...something...I read something about this..."Uhh...push
harder."
Misaki-kun did. The resistance gave way. Futaba-chan felt a burst
of excruciating pain, which then vanished in a vast wave of pleasure.
"More...MORE!!!"
Misaki-kun pushed as deep as he could. "I think this...is the most
I can do..."
Futaba-chan tried to remember the pornos her sister used to leave
in the VCR all the time. "You have to...pull out part way, then thrust
again..."
Misaki-kun did so. Soon, the bed was shaking up and down. They
kissed fiercely as their bodies edged towards climax. Misaki-kun felt
himself explode inside Futaba-chan. He almost screamed with pleasure,
then felt a strange lassitude wash over him. "Ohh...Futaba-chan..."
It took them a little while to figure out that Futaba-chan hadn't
orgasmed. Then they started over. This time, Misaki-kun managed to
bring Futaba-chan to orgasm. Afterwards, they lay in each other's arms.
Misaki-kun felt wonderful, better than he'd ever felt in his whole life
before. At the same time, he felt like a complete pervert. I've had
sex with a girl. I let myself be turned into a boy just to have sex with
someone. Then he looked at Futaba-chan, and his guilt ebbed away. At
least for the moment. "I'm sorry I messed up the first time, Futaba-chan."
Futaba-chan pulled him closer. "I'm sorry you had to..to.."
He kissed her. "I'm not...not wicked for doing this, am I?"
Futaba-chan started. "Of course not. I'm not wicked because I
change, am I?"
Misaki-kun smiled. "Well, at least I didn't make you find out by
accident."
Futaba-chan sighed. "I'm still sorry about that."
Misaki-kun brought a hand up and ran it through Futaba-chan's hair,
then said, "Do I look different?"
"Not by much. Well, except for the obvious." Futaba-chan looked
at Misaki. Same hair color, roughly same height, same eyes, similar
face. "If you padded your shirt and dressed as a woman, no one could
tell, really."
Misaki-kun relaxed. "Well, that'll make school easier."
Futaba-chan nodded. "Well, I'll need to show you all the
hidey-holes too."
Misaki-kun smiled. "I never thought...my first love would be like
this."
* * *
End Obligatory Flashback Sequence #2
****************************************************************************
Misaki-kun smiled and kissed Futaba-chan on the cheek. "I love
you. I've got to go home." Well, first turn back to female, then go
home.
As she got out bed, Futaba-chan stirred and muttered, "sldfj..love
you."
Misaki-kun swiftly got dressed. My parents probably think I've died
or something. The clock said midnight. I shouldn't have spent so much
time reminiscing. He ran off down the hallway through the darkened house
to the bathroom. Dunking my head in cold water usually works pretty
well, he thought. I just don't feel like stuffing my shirt tonight. He
turned on the bathroom light and looked at himself in the mirror. To
his shock, he saw his hair had turned red. This had never happened
before. He started and suddenly turned into a girl. Misaki-chan shook
her head. I must be hallucinating. She ran to the door, threw on her
jacket and hat, and ran off home through the dimly lit streets.
She got home without any trouble.
*****************************************************************************
Pluto stood in the time tunnel and gazed into a window in the air.
She watched as Happousai chased Soun and Genma down a street of the
city. Soun and Genma were each carrying a huge pile of underwear.
"Bring back my pretties!"
"No, Master, we can't let you do this!"
Pluto froze in place and stopped the image, zooming in on
Happousai. "So...there you are. I've been looking for you all these
years. To think you have sunk to such a level. Well, I will extract
vengeance on you for what you did to my grandfather...and to my
homeworld. I will rain down curses upon you. What you have done will be
rained upon you a thousand-fold."
Yes, vengeance would come.
******************************************************************************
Happousai finally trapped Genma and Soun in a blind alley. "Well,
it's nice to see you two have developed some backbone. I'll get some
exercise from BREAKING it!"
They froze up, too terrified to speak. Then salvation rained down
from the heavens. Or to be more precise, an eight year old with pink
hair fell out of a rotating cloud and landed on Happousai's head,
crushing him flat. She got up and a black cat-faced robot sphere fell on
Happousai's head, making a second bump. He was pounded flat into the
concrete.
Chibi-Usa stared at Happousai, then up at the two men. "I'm sorry,
did I crush your dolly?"
They fell to their knees. "You can crush our dolly whenever you want!"
*****************************************************************************
Akane and Ranma were doing homework as Soun and Genma walked into
the house with a cute little eight year old monster...uh, Chibi-Usa, in
tow. Kasumi stuck her head out of the kitchen, "What happened to
Happousai this time, father?"
Akane and Ranma looked at Chibi-Usa and blinked. "That's
Happousai?" Ranma asked.
"Quite an improvement, I'd say," Nabiki said as she came into the room.
Chibi-Usa blinked. "My name is Her most Kawaii Majesty, the Small
Lady of Serenity and Pink Things, not Happousai! Who is Happousai?"
Everyone collapsed laughing. She frowned, then bounced her
Luna-ball like a basketball, ran, and made a hook shot into the
trashcan. "Oops, forgot what I was doing."
Everyone laughed more. She did it again, this time remembering to
shout, "Luna-P magic! Get me some respect!"
<Respect, by Aretha Franklin>
Luna ball proceeded to run 10000000 volts through everyone in the
room except Kasumi. They all collapsed charred and crispy. A few
seconds later, they all recovered. Soun and Genma fell at Chibi's feet.
"Yes, Mistress, have all the respect you want!"
Chibi-Usa smiled. I could get to like this.
****************************************************************************
Happousai got up, pulling himself out of the concrete. "Vengeance!
I will destroy them for...for...uh, whatever they did to me, I WILL GET
EVEN!!!!!"
He turned around and a time machine materialized on top of him,
squashing him flat. It looked like a british police box. The Ninth
Doctor, who bore a striking resemblence to John Lennon, except for having
a brain, and Priss stepped out. Priss looked around. "This doesn't look
like Mega-Tokyo. OR that Sex Pistols concert you said we could stop at
on the way there."
He nodded. "Well, it does look familiar. I think this is Tokyo,
some time in the late twentieth century. Which means...oh dear."
"What?"
"I shouldn't have been able to appear here...I'm already here.
Well, my next regeneration is here."
"So why can't you drop by and say hi to yourself?"
"The Tardis is SUPPOSED to keep me from being able to do that.
Unless the Timelords over ride it...which means..."
Priss said, "Every atom in the universe is going to turn inside out
and explode?"
The doctor's eyes got bigger. "How did you know that?"
Priss twitched nervously. "Wait..that could happen?"
"Close enough. We must investigate."
Priss said, "Should I go get my hardsuit?"
"Check your pocket."
Priss found a silver chain with a blue topaz set into a strange red
metal medallion. "Thanks for the jewelry, but what does that have to do
with..."
"Put it on and press the gem."
She did so. Suddenly, the air around her glowed. Red and blue
ribbons of light wrapped around her and solidfied. Suddenly, she was
inside her hardsuit, and her clothing had changed into her jumpsuit she
normally wore inside the hardsuit. "What the hell?"
He smiled. "I got tired of you having to always go back to the
Tardis for it, and it's too bulky to carry, so I made a few
improvements. You can also voice activate the change by shouting "Knight
Sabre Power, Activate!"
She gagged briefly. "That makes me sound like a Sentai character!"
"You have to use the voice mode to deactivate it. Just say Priss
Power, Activate."
She gagged some more. "I'd kill you if this wasn't so convenient."
She paused. "Are you sure we can't just head to the Sex Pistols concert?"
"The fate of the universe may be hanging in the balance. Besides, I
want to ask myself how I'm going to die, anyway." He took off walking.
Priss whispered, "Priss Power, Activate" and her armor turned back
into clothing. She followed after him. "Can we at least find a decent
music store? I'm REALLY sick of listening to classical music all the time."
****************************************************************************
Happousai paused as he stumbled down the street. The woman and man
approaching him somehow looked familiar. A tiny part of his brain
stirred. Enemies. Destroy them! He ignored it the way he ignored most
rational thought when there were beautiful women to glomp. He charged
the gorgeous redhead, yelling "Sweeto" and sailing through the air onto
her...fist. This isn't my day, he thought, falling to the ground.
Priss stared at the little mutant. "Hmm. Maybe we're not on Earth
after all."
The Doctor nodded. "It may be that we've accidentally entered an
alternate timeline. Or he could be a spy for invading aliens." He
picked up Happousai and tossed him in his carry bag. "This will help us
keep an eye on him if he is important."
"What if he turns into a giant flaming monster like happened on
Omnicron Ceta 5?"
The Doctor shrugged. "Good thing you've got your hardsuit with
you, then."
*****************************************************************************
Negiri and Misaki walked home from school together. "You look
really happy today, Misaki."
Misaki smiled. "Is it that obvious?"
"I take it you and Futaba have been.."
Misaki blushed. "Don't let my parents hear you say that."
Negiri laughed. "Well, now I know for sure you've been doing that.
Is he good?"
Misaki whispered, "Yes," and turned beet-red. Suddenly, she
realized she was starting to feel the pounding in her head that she had
learned was a clear sign she was likely to change soon. She tried her
best to calm down, and the feeling receeded.
"Are you okay? You looked ill for a moment there."
"Just felt a little nauseous for a moment."
"You HAVE been using protection, right?"
For a moment, Misaki was standing on a beach and a HUGE WAVE crashed
over her. Then the bit of symbolism ended and she was hit first by
embarrassment, then by the change. Misaki-kun looked at himself and
eeped. The change had become somewhat more obvious with time, mostly
because Misaki had completed the changes of puberty by now, so that the
sudden undoing of these changes became more obvious. And...
Negiri turned to Misaki. "Please tell me that you didn't just fall
silent because you..." She paused. "Wait...you dyed your hair and I
didn't notice all day long?"
Misaki-kun tried to speak with a falsetto, "Do you like it?" He
paused. "Trust me...there's no way Futaba will get me pregnant."
Damnit, why'd my hair have to pick now to change colors when I change?
I...is it going to get worse? I may start looking completely different
the way Futaba does...That would have some advantages...but...
Negiri's eyes narrowed. She reached over and poked Misaki in the
chest. No poingy noises resulted. "Misaki-chan...what's going on?"
Misaki-kun sighed. "We need to talk."
************************************************************************
Soon, they were up in Misaki's room. "So how long has this been
going on?"
"Off and on ever since I had that blood transfusion."
"You've hidden this from me for TWO years?"
"Well, it stopped for almost a year."
Negiri hmmmed. "So right around the same time you started dating
Futaba-kun, this started happening?"
Misaki-kun nodded.
"Hmm. What sets it off?"
"Stress, embarrassment, excitement, strong physical shocks.
Sometimes I can trigger the change by an act of will...but I wouldn't
normally want to." He sighed. "I'm going to go duck my head in some
cold water. That should turn me back."
He got up and went to head to the bathroom when Negiri asked, "Has
this ever happened while you two were having sex?"
Misaki-kun started and mega-blushed again. Fortunately enough, this
also triggered the change and he became a she once more. "Uhh...not
exactly...err...not anymore."
"Well, that's good. That would really make sex difficult...I can
imagine how embarrased you'd get if you were both guys."
Misaki laughed. "Well, THAT's never happened."
"Really? I'd think you'd get pretty stressed and...Hmm. He DOES
know about this, right?"
"Yeah. He's known about it for almost the entire time. He...He's
been very supportive."
"Well, that's good." She paused. "How do you keep from changing
when you have sex, then?"
Misaki laughed nervously.
"Wait, you don't..."
Misaki-kun said evasively, "There's always one male, one female
when we...you know."
"That must take a lot of con...He changes too, doesn't he. That's
why he can accept this...Wait, you two..." Negiri looked very shocked
for a moment, then laughed. "I never thought I'd see the day that you..."
Misaki blushed. "Don't make me change again."
"I...what's it like?"
"You mean...?"
Negiri sighed. "Eating waffles. Yes, of COURSE that's what I
mean! You know I haven't had any."
"Well, if you'd just pretty yourself up like when you..."
"I don't want someone to want me for my looks!" She paused. "Is
Futaba-chan the only girl you've slept with?"
Misaki blushed. "She's the only girl I want. I only occassionally
fantasize about other women." She paused. I didn't mean to say that.
"Umm, I mean...I only fantasized about you a few times...uh..." She
blushed more and the change came over her again. To make matters worse,
the fantasies came back to her again. He'd had a long elaborate dream last
night about himself, Futaba-chan, Negiri, and Ranma, that boy he'd met
the other day. Most of his fantasies with other women in them came after
he and Futaba had had sex. "It wasn't just you and me, Futaba was in it
and...uhh...why am I talking about this?"
Now Negiri blushed. She could feel herself starting to get aroused
by discussing this. She sometimes had strange fantasies about her friend
Misaki, but she'd never said anything. She wasn't normally interested in
women, but there was something about Misaki...especially in the last
year. When she wasn't around Misaki, she wouldn't think about it, but
when she was near her...sometimes she'd have these fantasies...
embarrassing fantasies. They were trying to creep in and take over her
mind right now. "Well, I've had some too." She blushed and looked at
Misaki. "I don't like girls, not really, I just..."
It must be these pheremones I give off...I seem to get a lot of
amorous girls around me when I'm a boy. "Don't worry, Negiri. I'm not
offended...You don't...It doesn't bother you that I...change, does it?"
Negiri took a deep breath. "This could be a real money-making
opportunity...I'm sure I can think of some way we can profit from this."
Misaki-kun smiled. "Now that's the Negiri I know and love. Uhh..."
Negiri smiled. "Time to brainstorm." My way into bed with
you...No! Money! Must have se..money! She shook her head. This was
going to be difficult.
***************************************************************************
Dr. Tofu finished poking Ranma-chan's body. She stretched. "I feel
a lot better. Thanks, Doc."
Ukyou stood nearby, blushing. "Yeah, thanks a lot."
Dr. Tofu sighed. "How did you get that thing stuck in there, anyway?"
Ranma-chan blushed a lot. "Don't ask."
There was a knock on the door. "Come in!" Dr. Tofu said.
Dr. Who and Priss walked in. "Hello, Doctor," Dr. Who said.
Dr. Tofu paled. "What are YOU doing here? And why did you bring
our...your grandaughter?"
Priss coughed. "His WHAT?"
Dr. Tofu said, "You haven't told her yet?"
"Told her WHAT yet?" She's my granddaughter? But we...
Priss said, "Doctor, who the HELL is this?"
Ranma-chan blinked, as did Ukyou. "You know these people, Doc?"
Dr. Tofu nodded. "Not to be rude, but I need to talk to them in
private."
Ranma-chan nodded. "Okay." She and Ukyou left, holding hands.
Priss watched them leave. "Gay couple?"
"Actually, the one I was working on is a boy, but that's another story."
Priss blinked. "A what?"
"A boy." He turned to Dr. Who. "Sorry about that. Ever since the
Alpha Cygni incident I have these odd mental problems at times.
Actually, she's Ace's daughter, which is what I MEANT to say."
Priss said. "WHO?" She paused. "ANd who are you?"
"Yes, I am," Dr. Tofu said.
Priss blinked. "Who are you?"
"Yes, he is, Priss." Dr. Who said. Priss looked MORE confused.
"He's one of my future selves. We Gallifreyans regenerate on dying, but
then we look and sound different."
"Like how the Master got turned into a kumquat when he tried to kill
us on Rastaman IOII?"
"Well, more humanoid looking."
Dr. Tofu nodded. "I'm Doctor #10, the successor to your friend."
"So she's Ace's daughter? I should have guessed."
"You knew my mother?"
"She travelled with me for a while. I have some interesting stories
I can tell you. So why are we here, Doctor?"
Dr. Tofu blinked. "I don't know. We couldn't both be here unless
something major was happening, but..."
Priss said, "We ran into a hideous horny little alien on the way
here."
The Doctor dumped Happousai on the table. "See?"
Dr. Tofu laughed. "It's just Happousai, the local pervert. He's
short and ugly, but hardly an alien." He opened the window and punted
Happousai into orbit. "Don't worry. He's disgusting, but harmless.
Well, let's see if we can figure out what's going on here."
For once, Dr. Tofu was horribly wrong...
*****************************************************************************
Chibi-Usa cackled happily as her slaves brought her some more
cookies and milk. "Get me some ice cream, minions," She said to Soun
and Genma. They nodded and raced off to do her bidding.
Meanwhile, Akane and Ranma were conferring up in Akane's room.
"What are we going to do, Ranma? This evil munchkin has taken over our house!"
"I'll challenge her to a duel! I bet with these new powers I got I
can beat her...even if it means..."
Akane nodded. "Well, we all know. About your curse, anyway."
"She must be some kind of Youma."
"We'd better call the rest of the Sailors."
"No, we can handle this. No way I'm calling for help dealing with
an eight year old."
Akane sighed. "Right." Ranma charged off. Akane got out her
communicator and started calling the other senshi.
************************************************************************
Tuxedo Callisto ran into the living room, where Soun was
spoon-feeding ice cream to Chibi-Usa. "I am the Lovely Soldier Tuxedo
Callisto! Taking over people's house and leeching off them isn't very
nice! I will punish you in the name of the planet Callisto!" I can't
believe I said that, Callisto thought. These speeches must take over
your mind when you get the power.
Nabiki looked up. "Callisto is a moon."
"Whatever."
Chibi-Usa got up. "Hey, I'm a Sailor too!"
"Then you must be a Sailor FOR EVIL!"
Nabiki looked at Callisto. "Do I know you?"
"No."
"I am NOT EVIL!"
"Then why are you such a brat?"
"I'm not a brat! I'm not! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!" She began
to scream.
Sailor Callisto clutched her ears and collapsed to her knees. That
horrible scream. I thought only Usagi could do that.
"You want a fight? Fine. Take it to the Dojo," Nabiki said. "We
can't afford any more repairs." She herded them into the dojo.
Sailor Callisto finally recovered from the screaming. By that
point, Chibi-Usa had transformed into Sailor Chibi-Moon. "Come and get
me you ugly transvestite!"
"I am not a transvestite!"
"Then why are you dressed as a boy?"
"I AM a boy!"
Chibi-Moon reached up and poked one of Ranma's breasts, which made
a poingy noise. "I don't think so!"
Callisto growled. "I'll get you!"
"PINK SUGAR HEART ATTACK!" A stream of candy hearts pelted into
Callisto, tickling her. She giggled.
"Nice try. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to..." The roof
cracked. Happousai crashed down, landing on Callisto, knocking her down
and glomping her chest.
"SWEETO!"
Callisto flailed about, trying to get Happousai off her.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"
As she screamed, Chibi-Moon instinctively panicked. She started
screaming too. The joint yells were multiplied by the crystals in her
hair, making a noise so evil that the cameraman exploded and Callisto,
Chibi-Moon, and Happousai all passed out.
Ten minutes later, Sailor Hammerspace and the rest of the Sailors
charged in.
Sailor Moon said, "Ahh! Look at the hideous pervert youma!"
Sailor Hammerspace punted Happousai back out through the hole.
Sailor Mercury said, "Hmm. Looks like it IS Chibi-Usa. I thought so."
"What's she doing here?" Sailor Moon said. "I thought we finally
sent her home."
Sailor Venus shrugged. "Like a bad penny, she keeps landing on heads."
*****************************************************************************
Makoto, Ukyou, and Ranma put Chibi-Usa down on Makoto's couch.
"Why'd we have to get stuck taking care of her tonight? This is OUR
night, damnit," Makoto said. "She's Usagi's daughter, not ours."
Ukyou laughed. "It'd be kinda hard for all three of us to have a
daughter."
Ranma nodded. "Maybe she'll sleep through all of it."
Ukyou smiled, then turned to Makoto. "How does one become a Sailor
Senshi? I figure if Akane qualifies, then I could..."
Makoto said, "You have to be born to it...but I guess it wouldn't
hurt to try." She handed her transformation pen to Ukyou. "You just
shout the first thing that comes to mind."
Ukyou held the pen. "I'm not getting any vibes."
"Hmm. You may have to be in danger to do it the first time...Now
that I think about it, all of us were under attack." Or it could mean
you can't do it...I can hardly believe Ranma could transform with my
pen.
"Well, we'll see what happens when a menace shows up then." Ukyou
gave Makoto her pen and sighed, dissappointed.
Makoto smiled. "If the pink menace can do it, so can you, Ucchan.
Don't give up yet."
*****************************************************************************
Misaki, Futaba, and Negiri were walking down the street to Aiya!, a
new restaurant near their school. "You sure this place is good, Negiri?
I've heard some weird stories about it."
Negiri smiled. "Trust me, it's really good." I won't mention I
cut a deal with the owner to get a kickback for every customer I bring in.
They walked along, blissfully oblivious to the tiny wrinkled object
falling from the sky. It landed on Negiri, "SWE...", instinctively
glomping, then looked at her face. "Ugh." Happousai dropped off her.
"Sorry,I mistook you for a human female." He turned to Misaki.
A huge pillar of flame erupted around Negiri for dramatic effect.
"I AM A HUMAN FEMALE!"
Happousai turned back around and looked again. "Oh, you're just
ugly and scrawny. Anyway, as I was saying..." He turned back around to
face Misaki.
Negiri frothed with rage, then pulled herself together. I'm not the
berserker type. "Futaba, can you kill this little monster for me?" I am
NOT ugly!
As Happousai leaped at Misaki's chest, he suddenly found Futaba's
foot in his face. Futaba brought his foot down and put all his weight
into it. "With pleasure." He tried to peel Happousai off his foot, but
Happy suddenly lept into the air at Misaki again. This time, he hit
Misaki's foot...she was wearing high heels. He screamed and fell to the
ground.
Flee while you still can, the voice of reason..or something...in his
head said. For once he listened. Things were going badly. Everyone was
rejecting him. Listen to me and I'll help you get even, the voice said.
Happousai listened...
****************************************************************************
Later, Misaki, Futaba, and Negiri were back at Futaba's house.
Negiri sighed. She'd basically shoehorned in on this date to get some
free food and a kickback from the restaurant owner, but now she was
feeling depressed. She really didn't like being called ugly, especially
by a disgusting little freak. And watching Futaba and Misaki together
made her feel lonely, and a little jealous too. She wondered if she'd
ever get a boyfriend if she didn't start dressing up all the time...but
she didn't want to be loved for her looks. She wanted someone who
respected her as she was...who loved her for herself.
Misaki was rattling on about how their gym coach had knocked an
entire rack of volleyballs down on herself when Negiri said, "Am I ugly?"
Misaki and Futaba blinked in unison, making that odd poingy noise
that's even more odd since it's similar to the sound that anime breasts
make when poked. "No, you're not ugly, Negiri! You can be really pretty
when you want to be!" Misaki said. Like in those dreams I had about
you. She blushed.
Futaba nodded. "I don't think you're ugly either. I'm sure you
could have any man you wanted if you just made the effort!"
She sighed. "But I don't want them to want me because I'm
beautiful! I want to be loved for me!"
Misaki leaned over and hugged Negiri. "Well, I know at least one
guy who thinks you're cute."
Negiri hugged back. "You do? Really? Who?"
Misaki winked. "He's not around right now, but if someone startles
me, he might drop in."
Negiri sighed. "Don't make fun of me, Misaki-chan."
"I'm not making fun of you! Hey, if I was really a guy, and not
dating Futaba, I'd go out with you!" The scary thing, she thought, is
that's kinda true...For once, I'm glad I have these hentai thoughts.
Futaba smiled. "Futaba-chan would get jealous."
They all laughed, then Negiri sighed. "I don't know what to do."
Misaki said, "Look, I'll find you a date. I don't want you to feel
lonely."
"I don't want a pity date!"
"Come on, Negiri, let us help you. I'm sure we can set you up with
someone nice," Futaba said. Rarely have words leading to more disaster
been spoken.
******************************************************************************
Priss sat on one of the medical tables and started to trundle it
around the room to express her boredom as the Doctor and Dr. continued to
rattle on, trying to figure out why they were both here. She said, "I'm
going for a walk!"
The Doctor nodded. "We'll still be here. Can you get me some pocky
and a couple of candybars?"
"Sure thing." She headed out of the shop and down the street to
some small shops she had spotted earlier.
Meanwhile, in one of those self-same shops, General Washuuite was
preparing Evil Plot #896. This time, she had drugged all the candy in
the store to induce mad cravings for ice cream in people who ate it.
They would order tons of ice cream to be brought into the city, and then
Washuuite would confiscate it all for the glory of her Dark Queen.
The only problem was that Droid Gadget was getting a
little...overenthusiatic. Also, all his cyberlimbs kept popping out and
scaring people.
Priss walked in and started looking for some pocky and candybars.
The salesman...something was odd about him. For just a moment, she
thought she saw his arm extend five feet across the room. I must be
imagining things, she thought.
She made her selections and came over to the counter. "Okay,
here's what I want."
"And how much Ice Cream do you want with that?"
She blinked. "None."
He frowned. "Our Pinapple-kiwi flavor is very nice on a hot day
like this."
"I don't WANT Ice Cream."
"So you'll just be getting two quarts."
Washuuite frowned. He's doing it again. She started over.
Before Priss could protest, Droido Gadget rang up the sale. "I'm
not paying for the Ice cream! I don't want it!"
"All sales are final."
Washuuite got there a little too late.
Priss reached across the counter. "Look BUDDY, I'm NOT paying for
the Ice Cream!"
Droido Gadget's head popped open on top and a mallet came out from
under his hat and bopped Priss on the head. She staggered back.
"Harrassing the staff is a no-no-no!" He said.
She frowned. "Harrassing the customers is a no-no-no! So I'm
gonna go-go-go." She turned to leave. Droido Gadget blocked the door.
Washuuite said, "Gadget, get a grip!"
Gadget grabbed Priss, who frowned. Washuuite sighed. I hate this
Droido.
Priss said, "You wanna fight?"
Gadget said, "The customer is always right" and socked Priss in the
gut with an extending arm. Soon, they were brawling all over the store.
Customers fled in dismay. Priss managed to heft Gadget and flung him
into a candyrack. He ended up a chocolate coated mess. He got out of it
and started flinging a barrage of darkly glowing pocky at her. She did
her best to dodge, but finally, she got stuck in the leg by one. It stung.
Washuuite shouted, "STOP!" but no one paid her any attention.
Priss whipped out her knife. "Don't make me use this, pocky boy."
Droido Gadget popped an arm holding an Uzi SMG out of his head.
"That's not a knife. THIS is a knife."
Washuuite resolved to have Droido Gadget brainscrubbed.
Priss laughed. "Have it your way, boomer." Geez, I didn't think
they had boomers in the nineties...he does seem kinda primitive. "Knight
Sabre Power, Activate!" Her armor appeared around her as if by magic.
Washuuite cursed. It must be one of those Bio-Neo-Quasi-Booster
Armor McGuffin people. "Kill her, Gadget! And bring me her head on a
plate!"
Priss turned and filled Washuuite full of blaster fire. Washuuite
staggered, her hairstyle badly damaged. "Curse you, I spent three hours
fixing my hair this morning!" She teleported away in a spray of Sonic
the Hedgehog game cartridges. Droido Gadget, you're on your own, she
thought.
Droido Gadged opened fire, but the shots just bounced off Priss'
hardsuit. She laughed. "Let's party." It was a very short party.
***********************************************************************
Negiri lay on her bed, physically expressing her existential dismay
over her current lack of connection to a significant other.
***********************************************************************
<In the Command Center>
Negiri stomped into the command center and went over to Futaba, who
was continuing to type the script at Misaki's dictation. "What the heck
does that MEAN?"
Futaba shrugged. "I have absolutely no idea. I just type what she
tells me."
Misaki patted Futaba's head. "My little love slave."
"How am I supposed to ACT if I don't have any idea what I'm doing?
What's my motivation? What is my 'business' so to speak? How do I..."
Misaki said, "Basically, you're masturbating because you feel
sexually frustrated."
"ON SCREEN?"
"What, you're so embarrased about your sexuality, you can't do it?
Heck, Futaba and I had sex as a girl and a boy respectively. YOU CAN'T
MAKE THE SACRIFICE FOR THE GOOD OF YOUR ART?" Misaki began to shout.
Negiri was blown halfway across the room. "Uhh...Pay me double."
"How about if we throw in the Ranma char of your choice to have sex
with and we pay you time and a half?"
"Done deal. I want Ryouga."
"You got it."
*************************************************************************
Negiri lay on her bed, physically expressing her existential dismay
over her current lack of connection to a significant other. She was
rapidly approaching the apogee of this activity. Her mind was full of
fantasies about Futaba and Misaki, both as girls and boys. She could
hardly believe herself. Normally, her fantasies were fairly simple,
involving rich actors sweeping her off her feet and marrying her,
followed by mad passionate sex in huge romantic mansions. However, ever
since discovering her best friend and her best friend's boyfriend were
both gender changers and engaging in who knows what kind of crazed sexual
activities, she couldn't stop thinking about them.
She had just reached the point of her fantasy where Futaba's bed
broke open and sprayed money everywhere, when her bedroom door opened and
Ryouga wandered in, dressed only in a towel, with his hair still up in a
shower cap. He stared at the half-naked woman, writhing on the bed and
suddenly knew he was lost again. You can guess what happened next.
***********************************************************************
<In the Command Center>
Ryouga stormed in, still only in shower cap and towel. "OKAY! I'VE
HAD ENOUGH OF BEING USED TO SATE THE URGES OF EVERY HORNY WOMAN ON THE
PLANET!"
Negiri stormed off the set after him. "Hah! I think you're just
trying to weasel out of sleeping with ME! I bet if it was Misaki, you'd
be raring to jump her! WHY DO I ALWAYS GET THE SHORT END OF THE STICK?"
"It's just so cliche! This is the millionth time I've walked in on
someone and ended up having sex with them. Can't we do this some other way?"
Misaki thought for a moment. "Hmm...Okay, go to costuming...I have
another idea."
*************************************************************************
Ryouga sat at a table in Ucchan's, eating an okonomiyaki. Nearby,
Negiri sat at another table staring at him. He was handsome. VERY
handsome. And all these discoveries about her two friends being
completely perverted was making her feel completely perverted. She
wanted some and she wanted it now, but she couldn't quite bring herself
to just wait until she was alone with Futaba and Misaki and rip their
clothing off. Now, she was obsessing over this really cute guy.
Ukyou brought Ryouga another glass of tea. "So how are things
going with you, Ryouga?"
He sighed. "Akane and Ami's birthday is coming up and..."
She blinked. "They have the same birthday?"
He nodded. "And I don't have any money to give them a present.
Presents."
Ukyou smiled. "Well, you could..." She whispered in Ryouga's ear.
He proceeded to nosebleed all over his dinner. Ukyou sighed. "How you
can have sex with so many women and STILL get nosebleeds from ..."
He sighed. "It's a talent."
Negiri smiled. She got up and came over. "You need money, eh?
Well, maybe I can help you. I need help with a little problem I'm having
that I need a big strong handsome man like you to fix."
He smiled. "Sure! You need some furniture moved?"
She giggled at her own wickedness. "Something like that." They
left together, and soon, he was making her BED move, anyway.
***********************************************************************
<In the Command Center>
Ryouga and Negiri ran in together. "I would NOT engage in
prostitution!" Ryouga yelled.
"He wasn't very satisfactory in bed for what I had to pay him!"
Negiri yelled.
Ryouga blinked. "I what?"
"I've gotten better orgasms with my stuffed animals helping me
out!" Negiri said, then immediately wished she hadn't.
Ryouga frowned. "Hey, Akane and Ami like it! They can't get enough."
"Yes, but they're both nymphomaniacs," Negiri said. "I hold out
for the best."
"Translation: She never gets any." Mikado said, wandering through
for no apparent reason.
Negiri said, "Futaba, kill that man, will you?"
Futaba grabbed Mikado and lept into the air, slamming him down in a
DDT, then used about thirty different wrestling moves on him, finishing
by slamming him into the ropes that had mysteriously appeared in the
command center. He tried Mikado up in the ropes and went back to typing.
Ryouga blinked. "So, look, I REFUSE to be in another sex scene with
this girl! She can sate her mad lusts elsewhere!"
"You could untie me, you know, and then I could arrange the script
to your liking." Biles said.
Dark Queen Belldandy stormed in. "I don't think so."
Biles sighed. A man can dream.
****************************************************************************
Happousai walked down the street, following the directions of the
voice in his head. It lead him to one of those large good-luck tanuki
statues that sits in front of stores, and well, brings good luck. 'Now
stick the key into its bellybutton.' Happousai did so. It opened up and
inside was a huge room that combined classical elegance with a big high
tech control spire thing. It was much bigger on the inside than the
outside. Happousai walked inside. "So when do I get all the panties on
Earth?"
'Soon. Very soon.'
Happousai ran off into the interior of the ship. "WHERE ARE YOU, MY
PRETTIES?"
The evil voice sighed. This was going to take work.
*****************************************************************************
Ranma, Makoto, and Ukyou lay in a tangled mess on the bed. The
nightly orgy was mostly over, except for the cuddling afterwards. While
this sort of thing meant Ranma was falling behind in his martial practice
due to a lack of energy, it also meant that he felt more loved than he
had ever felt in his life before all this started. It was nice to have
so many beautiful women who wanted him. He felt guilty occassionally for
not sleeping with Shampoo or Kodachi, but usually he was too busy looking
forward to his next orgasm to care. "I met two other gender changers today."
Ukyou smiled and kissed Ranma on the cheek. "Were they as cute as
you?"
Ranma laughed. "They were both fairly good looking."
Makoto smiled. "So when do we get to do them..meet them?"
Ranma laughed again. "I don't know if they're horny enough to keep
up with you two..."
The door opened and Chibi-Usa walked in rubbing her eyes. "I'm
lonely! Are you playing a game? Can I join you?"
Three full body blushes immediately commenced.
*************************************************************************
Misaki and Futaba were at Misaki's house, doing homework. She
looked over to Futaba and said, "So who can we fix Negiri up with?"
"Hmm. Most of the guys at our school know her too well."
"What's THAT supposed to mean?" Misaki asked.
"Well, she has a reputation, ya know. She can be pretty stingy and
obsessed with money, sometimes."
"Hey! Don't say mean things about Negiri-chan!"
Futaba sighed. "I know she's not that bad. She can be really nice
too, when she wants to be. And pretty too."
"Well, let's ask around and see if we can hook her up with a date
with someone."
Futaba nodded. If that doesn't work, we can just make love to her
ourselves. He shook his head. Misaki-chan can make love to her...No,
aargh, stop thinking about that!
But he couldn't.
****************************************************************************
Happousai finally gave up after hours of searching. No panties
anywhere! 'Look, if you'll follow my directions, I can take you to the
panties.'
"Well, why didn't you say so earlier?" Happousai followed the
instructions back to the control room. 'Push the red button'. He did.
A ray struck him and the Master now took total control of Happousai's
body. After a few minutes of disgust when he realized how really ugly
this body was, the Master began laying his plans.
******************************************************************************
Priss returned to Dr. Tofu's place with some candybars and other
snacks, plus some new Cds. The two Doctors were playing Jan-ken-po.
Unfortunately...
Dr. Tofu put out a fist.
Simultaneously, the Doctor put out a fist.
Dr. Tofu put out a flat palm.
Simultaneously, the Doctor put out a flat palm
Dr. Tofu put out his hands in a scissors position.
Simultaneously, the Doctor put out his hands in a scissors position.
Dr. Tofu put out a fist.
Simultaneously, the Doctor put out a fist.
Priss said, "Lemme guess, you've been doing this since I left."
"Something like that."
She said, "I'll flip a coin. Call it." She flipped the coin.
"Heads," they said in unison. She sighed.
"What are you trying to determine anyway?"
"Who gets to go get captured by the alien menace so that the plot
will get moving again."
"Ahh. How about if I rush out on one of my ever-so convenient
impulse actions?" Priss suggested.
"You've already done that five times this season. I think we
should send Dr. 'Tofu'. He knows the locality better."
"Good idea. We can make out while he's gone."
"Sounds good to me."
Dr. Tofu frowned and got shoved out the door.
************************************************************************
Time passed. Dr. Tofu wandered through the dark streets of
Nerima. Nothing seemed wrong except...He turned. Someone had stolen the
good luck Tanuki from in front of the five and dime. He got out his
sonic piledriver and started excavating, looking for clues and waking up
the entire neighborhood in the process. "Hmm. Signs of temporal
distortion. Which means..."
Suddenly, he and the Tanuki tried to occupy the same space and
time. The end result was he found himself inside the Master's Tardis,
with the Master pointing a spherical object at him. "So, we meet again,
Doctor, and this time you will not escape me."
Dr. Tofu frowned. "So you've possessed Happousai?"
"Yes. And soon I shall take your body and let you have this little
runty thing. Now follow me or I shall use this."
Dr. Tofu looked more closely. "You realize that's a fuse grenade,
right?"
The Master blinked. That's what this was? He had mistaken it for
a Rigellian globe blaster.
"And the fuse is lit."
The Master panicked and tried to toss it away too late. It went
off, knocking them both out.
*************************************************************************
<In the Command Center>
Dark Queen Belldandy frowned. "Who started this time travel plot
thing?"
"Don't ask me, I'm just a prisoner," Biles replied.
Misaki said, "It was my idea! Cool, eh?"
Dark Queen Belldandy frowned. "Well, stop it. You're wasting MY
screen time!"
Misaki shrugged. "Too bad, this is MY episode."
Dark Queen Belldandy said, "I'll turn you into a newt!"
"And then you'll pass out and Futaba will kick your butt. I know
you can't do much more than mend clothing with your magic without
passing out."
She frowned. "I'll send General Keiichite after you!"
Negiri said, "Well, he's shacked up with Dark Queen Urd right now..."
Dark Queen Belldandy turned off-mauve with rage. "The SLUT!" She
stormed off.
Negiri smiled. "Now do I get a decent sex scene?"
"Okay, we'll let you sleep with both of us? And Ranma. And maybe
some other people. That sound good to you?"
"Do I still get time and a half?"
They all facefaulted.
****************************************************************************
Time passed. More time passed. Then the sun came up. Somewhat
later, Futaba got a phone call. "Hello, Shimeru residence."
Ranma said, "Hi! We're having a party! Want to come?"
Futaba said, "Will there be any cute guys?"
Ranma said, "..."
"Not for ME! My friend Negiri needs to meet some guys."
"Yeah, there'll be some guys there."
"Are they available? It's not going to be all couples will it?"
Ranma paused. "Define couples."
Futaba began to get the impression this would be an interesting
experience.
*************************************************************************
Eventually, the Master woke up and locked Dr. Tofu in a room, then
deconfigured the doors so he couldn't get out. Then just to be cruel, he
put 'Ticky Tacky Houses' on infinite loop and piped it into the prison
chamber.
**************************************************************************
Priss and the Doctor failed to notice that Dr. Tofu had not
returned, as they were too busy trying to master Sutra 58i from the
Venusian Kama Sutra. Sadly, the Doctor lacked the third arm that REALLY
makes the technique worth doing.
***************************************************************************
Elsewhere, a towtruck was towing the Doctor's TARDIS for obstructing
traffic. It would be his luck that the only practitioner of Martial
Towing in Tokyo was on the job that day...
***************************************************************************
The rest of the day passed peacefully. So did the next day. Priss
and the Doctor STILL couldn't quite master that technique, so they kept
trying. Meanwhile, Makoto's big party was about to get underway.
Her house was crammed full of people. They were celebrating her
engagement to Ranma, sort of. Really it was an excuse to play cards, get
drunk, sing, dance, do karaoke, pass out on tables, and make passes at
each other. The Tendos and Satomes were there, as were the Innner
Senshi, Haruka, Michiru, Tsubasa, Gosunkugi, Futaba, Misaki, Daisuke,
Elvis, Yuka, Naru, Umino, Miss Hinako, Kunou, Kodachi, Motoki, Mamoru,
Hiroshi, and just about every minor character from every series in this
story. And most of them were drinking too much.
Negiri smiled. She felt she shouldn't have, but she'd decided to
pretty herself up for the party...and it had worked. Half the men in the
place were hitting on her. She wasn't SURE, but she thought half the
women were too. The really hard part was finding ONE person she liked
out of all of them.
Meanwhile, Ami had just beaten Soun at Shogi for the tenth time.
A growing pile of money was piling up next to her, while Akane kept an
eye on it so Genma wouldn't steal it. Soun bigsweated. "Are you sure we
have to play for Money?"
Ami smiled. "Well, Strip Shogi would be impolite."
Soun nosebled and fainted.
Meanwhile, Ranma and Futaba were on the couch, playing 'The
Eternal Game Fighting Game' on Makoto's new GWS Game System.
Misaki-chan was sitting in Futaba's lap, while Makoto was sitting in
Ranma's lap. Ranma frowned as Hayao got beat up by Terri for the fifth
time in a row. "How do you keep beating me at this??"
Futaba smiled. "Could have something to do with Makoto licking
your neck while you play." I wish Misaki would do that to me..but then
we'd both end up changing in public.
Rei and Usagi came up to Ranma and whispered something in his
ear. He blushed. "Not tonight! This is Makoto's and I's engagement
party. It wouldn't be very appropriate. Besides, there will probably be
a riot soon anyway."
"A riot?" Rei asked. "Why is there going to be a riot?"
"There's ALWAYS a riot. Trust me. Just soon as Kunou actually
figures out this isn't in his honor..."
There was a shout from across the room. "SAOTOME HAS DONE WHAT?"
Ranma sighed. "Makoto, your turn to get whooped by Futaba. I've
got to demolish your house, now."
Makoto sighed. Not only was she about to get whooped at this game,
her house was going to get trashed. "Here, you play, Misaki. I'm going
to have to referee." She got up and handed the controls to Misaki, who
selected Drak and started promptly crushing Futaba's character.
Ranma sprinted across the room, hoping to lure Kunou outside before
MUCH damage could be done. Kunou was frothing and shouting incoherently
in imabic pentameter, while Kodachi was now busilly poisoning all the
food and tossing roses around. As the crowd passed out, Ranma had a
clear shot forward. He leaped high, kicked Kunou in the head, then
sprinted out the nearby window. Right into Shampoo's arms. He sighed.
Of course, she would choose THIS moment to arrive. He tried to wiggle
free, but she hugged him close. "Groom never leave Shampoo again!
Shampoo learn special Amazon Bear Hug move!" She started to sprint off,
with Kunou and Kodachi in close pursuit. More people streamed out the
window after them. The evening's entertainment had begun.
************************************************************************
Meanwhile, back at the party, Negiri finally settled on a guy. Her
mind was only a little bit hazed from the alcohol, pheremones, drugs in
the air, in the food, her own horniness, etc. It was a cute guy named
Motoki. He was somewhat more soused than her, and when she lead him back
to the guest room, she thought he called her Rita at one point, though she
wasn't sure.
He was enthusiatic...unfortunately, he was too drunk to be any
good. When he passed out before she could even get his pants off, she
sighed and went back to the meat market^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H party. This
time she made sure her target was just horny and not drunk, or at least
not very drunk. His name was Hiroshi and he had cute curly hair.
Unfortunately, Hiroshi had one problem. He was lousy in bed.
Negiri sighed. After a half an hour with him, she was less satisfied
than when she started. And he had fallen asleep. Maybe this had
something to do with lack of endurance due to normally never appearing on
screen more than a few minutes every few episodes.
Negiri sighed and went back to look again.
************************************************************************
<Scooby Doo theme song>
Ranma tried to break out of Shampoo's grip for the 1000th time, and
failed. He could hardly believe it. This move was serious business.
Shampoo leaped lightly from rooftop to rooftop, defying the laws of
physics.
Behind her, Kunou and Kodachi were sprinting along. "You lecher
Saotome! Stop running away so I can destroy you as you so rightfully
deserve!" Kunou shouted.
"Let go of Ranma-sama, you chinese bimbo!" Kodachi shouted.
Behind them, Ukyou and seven Sailor Senshi were giving chase.
"Drop Ranma NOW!" Sailor Moon shouted. No one paid any attention.
Shampoo lept onto the Nekohanten roof, then down to the ground and in the
front door. Kunou ran after her and a bucket of water toppled down on
him. Not that he cared too much, not being a Jusenkyoite...except that
the bucket landed over his head, blinding him, so that he couldn't see
and immediately stepped into the pit just inside the door and plummeted
out of sight. Kodachi simply leaped blithely over the pit, only to get
clipped in the knees by Cologne. Kodachi plummeted into the pit. She
tried hurling a ribbon at Cologne to use her as a climbing post, but
Cologne simply activated the scissors accessory on her new Swiss Army
Staff, and cut the ribbon. Kodachi plummeted out of sight.
The Sailor Senshi and Ukyou reached the doorway. Sailor Mars said,
"A youma!" She pulled out an anti-evil ward and tossed it at Cologne.
It stuck to her forehead.
Cologne laughed. "So, the famous sailor senshi and the spatula
girl. Perhaps this will almost be a fight worthy of me. Almost.
Tonight, Ranma will finally consummate his marriage to Shampoo and there
is nothing you can do about it."
"Carrying men off when WE plan to have sex with them isn't very
nice! Truly it is evil to induce sexual frustration in the innocent! I
am the lovely sailor suited warrior Sailor Moon, and I will..." Sailor
Moon began posing and speech making. Cologne tossed a bowl of ramen at
her head and knocked her out. She toppled into the pit and out of sight.
"Hey, you're supposed to let us finish!" Sailor Venus said. Ukyou
simply shrugged and leaped over the pit at Cologne. They started
fighting, spatula vs. staff.
The rest of the senshi tried to follow...all at the same time.
They got stuck in the doorway and couldn't move. "Stop pushing
me!...OWWWW!!!...Watch where you put that sword!...the horror, the horror..."
Ukyou fought desperately. Cologne sat there and read Cosmo while
easily holding Ukyou off with her staff. Finally, Ukyou threw three
small spatulas and cut Cologne's Cosmo to ribbons. "Now, I'm angry,"
Cologne said, "People don't like me when I'm angry."
She unleashed a barrage of attacks, breaking Ukyou's combat spatula
and raining down blow after blow on Ukyou's head and shoulders. Ukyou
collapsed.
Cologne turned to the Sailor Senshi. "Well, I didn't quite expect
to trap you this way...but...Sometimes life is convenient. Cranky
Sharpei BLAST!" She fired a wrinkly green chi-blast, which knocked out
all the Sailors. She smiled. "Well, that was a few minutes' amusement.
Now what do I do with all these sailors...hmmm."
****************************************************************************
Ranma twitched as Shampoo hauled him into the Palace of Love,
Nekohanten style: a fairly spartan bedroom with a reasonably nice single
bed with purple sheets and a big pillow. Shampoo closed the door with
her foot, and various noises set off which sounded suspiciously like locks.
It was at this point that Shampoo realized she would have a hard
time consummating her marriage unless she let go of Ranma...and from the
way he was acting, it seemed unlikely that she would have any more
success if she DID let go. She sighed. This should be a special night.
He must have the jitters. She did too, but she never let it show. She
decided that she should try to soothe him by talking to him.
She started telling Ranma a soothing story about how her
great-great-great-great-great-not-so-great-great grandmother, also
named Shampoo, had defeated an evil Peach tree spirit. Unfortunately,
the whole story was in Chinese, so Ranma didn't understand any of it.
About halfway through the story, Shampoo suddenly remembered this and
blushed.
Ranma had started to nod off. Her voice was kind of soothing, and
it was almost pleasant except for the circulation problems in his
arms. He started awake. "Shampoo, my arms are starting to go numb."
"Ranma promise not to run away?"
"Yeah, I promise." Ranma would have said anything to finally get
loose from that grip.
She let go and he sank down onto the floor and started rubbing
his arms.
Shampoo knelt down beside him and started to help, to the limited
extent that anyone can help restore circulation in one's limbs. Ranma
sighed faintly. It felt good to have blood in his arms, but this was
another reminder of more trouble to come. There had to be some way to
get Shampoo to give up on him. He couldn't try to meet the sexual needs
of every woman on earth. Between Akane, Ami, Minako, Ukyou, and Makoto,
he was surprised he hadn't already used up his lifetime supply of sperm.
He'd had more orgasms in the last few months than most people have in an
entire lifetime. He suspected the five of them wouldn't suffice to sate
the gods, that he would have to sleep with dozens more women before they
were through with him. For a moment, he contemplated just having sex
with Shampoo and getting it over with. It wouldn't be any different than
sleeping with Minako had been.
He sighed again. Yes, it would. Shampoo wanted someone who loved
her and wanted him all to herself. He couldn't do that. Not now,
probably not ever. He didn't love Shampoo, and even if he had, his life
seemed designed to make faithfulness impossible. For a moment, he wished
he could just have one woman in his life. Almost ANY one woman, as long
as it meant no more beatings, no more surprise engagements, no more giant
flaming wombats in his bed. But which woman? How could he pick? Rivers
of lust flowed through his body as fleeting images of all his ladies
flitted through his mind. He quivered.
Shampoo smiled. Husband is getting turned on by me. She snuggled
up to him and he did not resist. She leaned up to kiss him...and passed
out with a dart stuck in her.
Ranma blinked, hearing movement and feeling Shampoo pass out. He
leaped upward and avoided the barrage of darts that followed. They came
from a woman in the now mysteriously unlocked doorway. She wore an odd
sort of white and black armor with HUGE white shoulder pads that served
NO apparent purpose. Most of her face was covered by the visor of a big
bulky ugly white helmet. She had a dart gun in one hand, and a long cape
on her back.
"Stop dodging! I can't shoot you if you dodge!" She kept up the
barrage of shots and Ranma, well, he kept dodging.
"What the HELL are you doing?"
"You are the Mega-Playboy! I screwed up last time, but I'll get it
right this time!"
Ranma dodged more darts, and tried for a complex angle shot,
banking himself off the wall and leaping at her. "The what?"
To his surprise, she tumbled backwards and this time successfully
sprayed him down with darts. He staggered and fell down on his butt from
shock. "You hit me?"
She smiled. "I'm a professional. Well, now you won't overpopulate
the future with your deranged lust."
"WHAT?"
"We suffer from severe overcrowding. According to our records, you
made over 1000 women pregnant, and all of your boys went on to do the
same thing...And their kids...Well, now you won't do that!"
Ranma got up. "You could have just ASKED! I don't want to make a
thousand women pregnant."
"Well, once that DNA modifier kicks in, you won't."
"Why?"
"Because you'll be filled with a burning lust for men instead!
Isn't genetics incredible?"
"You. Did. WHAT?"
"You'll never want to sleep with a woman, ever again!"
Ranma paled. He didn't FEEL any different. He thought about
Makoto, and the lust he had felt earlier for her returned in a great
flood. Maybe it hadn't worked. Maybe she'd shot him with the wrong
drug. He leaped forward, grabbed her gun and crushed it. "Well, I don't
feel that yet, but you're going to FIX it. Just to be sure."
She frowned. "I can't afford to do that. The future is depending
on me."
He closed in on her. "Right, I'll take you to Dr. Tofu and let him
pick through your brain for a cure."
"I told you, I won't do that!"
He shrugged. "You can come with me of your own free will, or I can
make you come. Your choice."
"I'll just go back to the future!" She took off running and Ranma
took off in pursuit.
Much to his frustration, her desperation gave her the tiny edge she
needed to keep her lead in their footrace. They passed Cologne, who
blinked and joined the race.
"Ranma, what have you done to Shampoo and who is this woman?"
Ranma smiled. If anyone could get a cure for him out of this girl,
Cologne could. "She shot Shampoo and shot me with something that is
supposed to make me lust after men, only. It doesn't SEEM to have
worked, but..."
Cologne paled. This could ruin everything. Her face hardened.
"Girl, you will give us the cure, or you will experience every form of
torture known to mankind. Do not think you can escape me."
Karin kept running. "I didn't realize there were aliens visiting
earth in this time period." She could see her time-ship. Just a few
more seconds...
Cologne hurled her staff at the girl who went sprawling. "I am not
an ALIEN! I am not a troll! I am not an ANIMAL! I am a human
being!!!!!!"
Just as Ranma and Cologne were about to grab the girl, a large
Tanuki statue appeared and ate her. Well, to be more precise, it
appeared where she was, and she faded away.
Ranma and Cologne both instinctively struck at the Tanuki, which
just sat there. Cologne's staff broke and Ranma flinched back, his hand
hurting badly. "What the heck is that MADE of?"
The Tanuki vanished, now apparently eating the time bubblecraft,
then vanishing again.
Cologne swore faintly. Ranma said, "Oh great, NOW what do we do?"
"We take you to Dr. Tofu, boy. Perhaps he can figure out what she
has done to you, if anything." She paused. "I have a BAD feeling about
this."
**********************************************************************
Ukyou woke up hog-tied and hanging from the rafters of the
Nekohanten. She was slowly swinging back and forth over a giant bubbling
bowl of simmering ramen. Shampoo was shoving her back and forth with a
long staff. "What the HELL are you doing, Shampoo?"
"Shampoo has had enough! Shampoo is sick of you and your evil
friend seducing her GROOM! Shampoo going to make you main course for
Nekohanten tomorrow!"
"What have you done with the others, Shampoo?"
"Shampoo sell Kunou to secret black market for slaves and got
enough to buy a six-pack of Pepsi to drink with her dinner." Shampoo paused.
Ukyou shuddered. She drinks PEPSI? No wonder she's so crazed.
Shampoo continued. "Shampoo rendered down Kodachi to make sauce
for the noodles." She pointed to a large bowl of sauce nearby.
Actually, Shampoo had sold Kodachi to the slavers as well, but she
thought this would have a greater psychological effect.
She was right. "You're going to make me EAT Kodachi? BLEAH!"
Ukyou shivered. She'd never realized Shampoo was so completely insane.
Shampoo smiled. "You get to be the meat! Then Shampoo make Akane
eat it and execute Akane for cannibalism!"
"What about the Sailor Senshi?"
"Even Tomboy Akane not get that hungry. Shampoo save them for later
meals."
Ukyou breathed a sigh of relief. MAYBE they'd wake up and save
her. Maybe. She heard movement. The door opened. Then something
tall, dark, and tuxedo clad leaped in...and fell into the pit trap. There
was a cry of "Never fear, Sailors, I...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaa" Tuxedo Kamen plummeted out of sight. There was a loud thunk.
Ukyou sighed. There went that hope of rescue. Slowly, Shampoo
began to lower the rope. "Ugly Spatula Girl have any last words?"
"Veni Vidi Vici!" she shouted, for lack of anything better to say.
"I place my blood curse on you! May okonomiyaki stick in your throat and
choke you!" At least I'll go down screaming defiance.
Shampoo laughed. "Shampoo never eats okonomiyaki. So Shampoo
NEVER DIE! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!" She seemed far more deranged than usual,
which took effort. Not much effort, but effort.
Ukyou could smell the simmering spices coming from the ramen. She
had to admit Shampoo was a good cook. It smelled delicious. If she
wasn't supposed to be part of the main course, she would have asked for
some of it.
It was at that point that a small black cat fell in the pit. There
was a long yowl, and the sound of a thunk and someone cursing. Then a
white cat leaped over the pit. He paused and looked down, "I'd lend you
a hand, Luna, but I don't have one."
Someone in the pit swore loudly and so disgustingly, we can't tell
you what she said, except that it involved various actions physically
impossible for a male cat, like being Newt Gingrich. Artemis ignored
Luna and turned to Ukyou, "Why are you goofing off like that, Ukyou? Is
it fun?"
Shampoo blinked. She felt a disquieting surge of lust run through
her head as she looked at the small white feline.
Ukyou shouted, "She's about to COOK ME AND EAT ME, YOU IDIOT!"
Artemis blinked. "Well, that's what I thought at first, but then I
thought maybe this was some kind of strange S&M game..."
Ukyou shouted, "She's holding the Sailors captive and she plans to
EAT ME! This is not a game! DO SOMETHING!"
Shampoo looked at Artemis. Her body twitched. She started to head
to get a bucket of water, then stopped herself. What has come over me?
Why do I have throbbing desire for a...a...she shook herself. I won't do it!
Artemis said, "Is she a youma?"
Ukyou twitched with irritation. "No, she's a crazy woman from China!"
Artemis nodded. "Okay, I should have KNOWN she's a youma...they're
always youma, but I thought..."
Ukyou smelled the ramen now. She was only a few feet away. "DO
SOMETHING!"
Artemis lept at Shampoo, trying to scratch her eyes out. It was
too much for Shampoo. Someone actually WANTED her, and she wanted him.
She ran and grabbed a bucket of water and splashed herself. Soon, Ukyou
had to watch two cats making out while she slowly descended, probably to
her death.
***********************************************************************
Pluto watched the unfolding events. "Hmm. I must intervene
directly. Grandfather is taking too long, as usual." She sighed. Never
send someone without a real name to do a woman's job.
************************************************************************
Ranma still felt okay, which worried him. What if that woman had
shot him with the wrong ...uh, the wrong whatever she thought she shot
him with. What if I start lusting after dogs or something? He tried
not to vomit.
Cologne frowned. Ranma was starting to get nauseous. This was not
good. They entered Tofu's Clinic, and were surprised to hear intense
moaning coming from inside. Ranma said, "Man, that sounds pretty bad."
Cologne frowned. "I have a feeling we aren't going to get much help."
Ranma said, "Wh..oh." He suddenly realized what KIND of moaning it
was. He blushed. "Maybe we should come back later."
"In a few hours, you might be asking Kunou to drive his bokken into
you, if you know what I mean." Cologne said. "We can't wait."
Ranma cringed at the thought and barged in.
As he entered, Priss was trembling on the verge of orgasm as the
Doctor...well, this isn't supposed to be xxx-rated, so I'll just mention
the sonic piledriver, a bag of jellybabies, a scarf, and some suspenders
and let you draw your own conclusions.
Ranma nosebled for the first time in years and fainted. Cologne
sighed. Youth today have no stomach.
"So, Doctor, what have you done with Dr. Tofu?" Her voice turned
colder. "And who is your lady friend?"
The Doctor froze. He'd prayed to never hear that voice again.
Priss froze up in embarrassment. This was not the time for visitors.
Especially not...her. At least she doesn't remember me, Priss thought.
Oh wait, from her perspective, that hasn't happened yet. Priss thanked
the gods.
"Umm..we were just..."
"I know what you're doing. I taught you that."
Priss vomited, then passed out.
"I can explain!"
Cologne sighed. "No need to explain. I never expected to see you
again. I'm sure you left me behind in that wretched village for my own
good. I've made the best of it. I need your help. Your
Great-Granddaughter's fiancee..."
The Doctor paused. "I...YOU were pregnant?"
"Yes. As I found out AFTER you took me home and left me there..."
"I didn't want you to have to watch me stay young while you got
old and died!"
Cologne sighed. "Anyway, this unconscious young man has been shot
with some sort of drug or something that is supposed to make him lust
after men. Do you think you can help him?"
"Certainly. Priss, get dressed. We need to go to the Tardis." He
whispered to her, "We'll have more privacy there anyway."
She frowned at him, then looked at Cologne and gagged again.
Cologne whapped her in the head. "Show some respect."
"So what planet are you from?" Priss asked.
Then the whappings really began.
**********************************************************************
Negiri was starting to get very frustrated. Gosunkugi had spent the
whole time playing with dolls. Daisuke was as pathetic as Hiroshi. Ami
and Akane had already dragged off Ryouga. Genma and Soun had left, but
they had been too old, anyway. Naru and Umino were making out on the
table. Many guys and girls had left. This left only one source of
manflesh left...Futaba and Misaki, who appeared to be completely ignoring
the developing orgy and after several hours were STILL playing the
Eternal Game Fighting Game. Misaki said, "Look, you'll never beat me.
Why don't we just..."
Futaba's eyes were glazed over. "One. More. Game. Must. Win."
She sighed. Negiri took a deep breath. They'd have to do. If they
couldn't sexually satisfy her, she'd scream. She came over.
"I'mabouttogostarkravingnutsfromsexualfrustrationpleasesleepwithmeorI'll
gomad!" She shouted.
Misaki blinked. "Did you say something?"
Futaba simply started the game.
Negiri climbed over the couch and ripped off Futaba's shirt.
"TAKE ME NOW!"
Futaba snapped out of it. Misaki blinked. Negiri was half-naked,
with no top on, and her bra-strap sliding off one shoulder. Her shorts
were unzipped and about to fall off. Her face was crazed with desire.
Misaki grabbed her and tried to pull her off the half-stunned Futaba.
Negiri grabbed Misaki and kissed her fiercely. Misaki changed into an
instant into a boy, and Futaba, seeing this, changed into a girl. (A
process similar to sympathetic labor pains, but without the pain or the
pregnancy) Negiri said, "Take me, Misaki-kun. Take me NOW!"
The volcano of desire Misaki had been stifling for the last few
hours while trying to get Futaba away from the game and into bed with her
exploded. He picked up Negiri and Futaba-chan and carried them off to
the guest bedroom. You can guess what happens next.
************************************************************************
The Doctor, Ranma, Priss, and Cologne walked down the street towards
where the Doctor had left his Tardis. Ranma said, "So why were you two
making out in Dr. Tofu's office?"
The Doctor smiled. "We're related...The good doctor and I. We
believe there's some sort of time travelling menace loose in Nerima and..."
Ranma said, "So you were trying to stop the menace by shoving a..."
The Doctor put a hand over Ranma's mouth. "Fanservice, my boy,
fanservice."
Ranma blinked, not being allowed to briefly drop out of character
and address the audience.
They reached the empty spot where the Tardis should be.
The Doctor frowned. "It's gone."
"Brilliant observation." Priss picked up a piece of paper from the
ground. "Hmm. It says they towed your policebox and you owe a 5000 yen
fine."
The Doctor sighed. "At least they didn't ship it to that room under
the Pentagram...Pentagon, again."
**************************************************************************
And somewhere else, just to be irrelevant, Ifurita and Mizuhara
Makoto were having mad passionate sex. Just thought you might want to know.
***************************************************************************
<In the Command Center>
Usagi stormed in. "ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE US TRAPPED IN THE
NEKOHANTEN FOREVER?"
"Just until we can all get Ranma into bed with us," Misaki said.
Usagi said, "Hey, I want him first!"
"Too bad. We control THIS episode."
"My contract says that..."
Negiri smirked. "We didn't sign YOUR contract. He did, and he
isn't running this show." She pointed to Biles, who was now bound,
gagged, and taking a nap.
Usagi sighed. This just wasn't her day...week...month...year.
**************************************************************************
Ukyou sighed. Nothing is quite so much fun as hanging a few feet over
a STILL simmering giant bowl of ramen with Kodachi sauce while watching
two cats make love. Honest.
Suddenly, a single black paw reached over the side of the pit. A
second followed, and soon a black cat with a yellow crescent moon on her
forehead clambered out of the pit.
"Luna, I need help!" Ukyou shouted.
Luna looked at Shampoo-Neko and Artemis, busily getting it on.
Purr, Kitty Love. Luna snarled. "DIE, CHINESE BIMBO!" She leaped at
Shampoo-Neko and a cat fight broke out.
Ukyou sighed, and didn't know whether to laugh or to cry.
**************************************************************************
<Somewhere in the Command Center>
Dark Queen Skuld sat on her throne and plotted. Well, she tried to
plot. Unfortunately, she was plumb OUT of evil plans. She sighed.
There has to be another evil way to get Ice Cream.
It was a dark and stormy...No, actually it was pretty dry. And
boring. Suddenly, a computer voice rang out. "High Programmer Skuld."
She blinked. "Yes, Friend Computer?"
"I have been coerced into revealing the location of the prisoners to
a group of mostly unidentified Sailors. Should I flood the entire
complex with a odorless nerve gas to prevent the prisoners from being
rescued?"
"That would kill the prisoners and US!"
"Yes."
"THEN DON'T DO IT!"
"Should I isolate them with pin-point forcefields and hold them for
questioning?"
"Yes."
"But I don't HAVE any such equipment."
"THEN WHY DID YOU BRING IT UP?" Dark Queen Skuld shouted.
"Because it was a cool idea?"
Dark Queen Skuld sighed. "Unleash...them."
"Them?"
She nodded darkly. "Them."
"Is that wise? I mean...you know the kind of damage they can do."
"We have no choice. They're likely to be the most effective form of
attack we can mount on these...sailors."
"Right. As you command."
"Call me when they catch the Sailors."
"Umm...when you say THEM...who are you talking about?" The Computer
asked.
Dark Queen Skuld facefaulted.
***************************************************************************
<Command Center>
Biles turned to Misaki. "You do realize that Shampoo is going to
kill you, right?"
"Futaba can take Shampoo."
Biles laughed. "Yeah, right."
"Hey, he's really good!"
"I'll send flowers to your funeral."
Futaba said, "I have a clever plan."
Biles said, "Hmm. Double funeral. How romantic."
***************************************************************************
Luna discovered, much to her dismay that Shampoo was a far more
deadly cat than she. Especially since Artemis was helping her. Traitor,
Luna thought.
Ukyou sighed. If only I could get free...
Bailsite and Rachlite chose this moment to arrive. "This place is
really great, Rachlite. It..." Bailsite plummeted into the pit trap
since he wasn't watching where he was going. There was a loud thunking
noise. "Hey, who put Tuxedo Kamen down here?"
Ukyou blinked. Hey, wasn't that guy the one from the cooking contest?
The one who had..umm...done something. She vaguely remembered passing out.
Was he one of the Youma Generals.
Rachlyte stared at the girl hanging over the huge pot of ramen. She
knew Bailsite liked oddball restaurants...but this was the oddest yet.
Three cats were brawling in the middle of the floor and some girl was the
main course, apparently...Suddenly, a symbol flashed on the girl's
forehead. Rachlyte frowned. A senshi. She kneeled down and said,
"Bailsite, stop playing around and get up here! There's a Senshi we have
to cook."
Bailsite said, "Oh...oww..ack...Bloody roses...ooowwwww." He
suddenly appeared at the top of the pit, tripped and fell back in.
Rachlyte sighed, teleported down, grabbed him and teleported up. They
looked up at Ukyou, whose forehead was gleaming with a shining spatula
symbol.
Bailsite blinked. "Since when was there a spatula planet?"
"Maybe that's where Spatula City is."
Ukyou blinked. "Spatula planet?"
"Your forehead is shining with your senshi symbol. It looks
like...a spatula."
"I'm a senshi?"
Bailsite blinked. "You didn't know?"
"It's not like Ed McMahon sent me a letter, 'You may be the next
Senshi!'."
"Well, I'm afraid we're going to have to kill you now. Nice to see
someone spared us the necessity of putting you in a death trap."
Ukyou sighed. Great, someone with HANDS shows up and they want me
dead too. "Do I get a last request?"
"Sure."
"Will you kill that pink cat for me? I really hate it."
Bailsite said, "Sure!" He fired a pinpoint blast and turned
Shampoo into floating dust particles.
***************************************************************************
<In the command Center>
Biles tried to hide, which is hard to do when you're tied to a chair.
Negiri looked at him. "What are you doing?"
"It's been nice knowing you."
The first arrow hauled Negiri across the room and pinned her to the
wall by her shirt. The second arrow bounced off the wall twenty times
and shaved Misaki bald. The third arrow had a huge fist pop out of it
and clobbered Futaba unconscious. Shampoo cackled. "This was the best
investment I ever made! Why Green Arrow gave up this stuff, I'll never
understand!" She was dressed in Sherwood green, with a leather jerkin,
green pants, and a jaunty green cap with feather. She fired a net arrow
and tangled Misaki up with it.
"I'm controlling this story now! What I say, goes! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
Biles cringed and tried to figure out a way to will himself to die.
**************************************************************************
Shampoo's component atoms reformed. Bailsite blinked. "Strike
Shampoo down and Shampoo returns more powerful than before!" Shampoo was
in human form now, clad in a slinky purple dress, with a lightsaber in
her hands. She charged Bailsite and cut him in half.
Rachlyte screamed with berserker rage and fired a huge flaming
gopher-bearing energy parallel bars at Shampoo. She cut it in half, then
teleported behind Rachlyte and cut her into 28 equally sized parts with
one blow.
Shampoo turned to Ukyou. "You're next, Spatula Girl."
"You won't make me beg, whatever you do."
Shampoo smiled. "Good idea." She waved her hand and Ranma
appeared. Butt Naked. He immediately started making love to Shampoo.
They made love 325 times, forcing Ukyou to watch it all. Finally, she
spontaneously combusted from sexual frustration. Shampoo laughed. She
had the power! All her dreams would come true!
*************************************************************************
<In the Command Center>
Shampoo stepped off the set. She needed to relax a little. Even an
Amazon can only orgasm so many times without getting tired. She looked
around the command center. Everything was as she left it. She went over
to Biles. "You die next, you know."
Biles smiled faintly. "I don't think so."
Shampoo smirked. "And who is going to save you? Your muses are
tied up over a volcano. The Sailors are trapped in the basement of the
Nekohanten. Ranma passed out after so much love making. The Futaba-kun
change characters are pinned to the wall. Kunou and Kodachi are in slave
bondage. That slut Ukyou is a vapor trail. Who is left to save you?"
Biles smiled. "Remember how you died in deep vaccum?"
"I was only acting."
"Quite. So were they."
Shampoo never saw the spatula as it came down on her head, but she
did feel it, along with the 1001 spatula blows that soon rained down on
her. She wouldn't wake up for a LONG time.
Ukyou smiled. "Vengeance is sweet."
Dark Queen Belldandy walked in. "Hmm. I sensed a disturbance in
the force, as if someone was about to rescue Biles."
Ukyou backed up. "I think you imagined it."
"Get back on set...I see have damage to fix."
*****************************************************************************
Luna discovered, much to her dismay that Shampoo was a far more
deadly cat than she. Especially since Artemis was helping her. Traitor,
Luna thought.
Ukyou sighed. If only I could get free...
Bailsite and Rachlite chose this moment to arrive. "This place is
really great, Rachlite. It..." Bailsite plummeted into the pit trap
since he wasn't watching where he was going. There was a loud thunking
noise. "Hey, who put Tuxedo Kamen down here?"
Ukyou blinked. Hey, wasn't that guy the one from the cooking contest?
The one who had..umm...done something. She vaguely remembered passing out.
Was he one of the Youma Generals.
Rachlyte stared at the girl hanging over the huge pot of ramen. She
knew Bailsite liked oddball restaurants...but this was the oddest yet.
Three cats were brawling in the middle of the floor and some girl was the
main course, apparently...Suddenly, a symbol flashed on the girl's
forehead. Rachlyte frowned. A senshi. She kneeled down and said,
"Bailsite, stop playing around and get up here! There's a Senshi we have
to cook."
Bailsite said, "Oh...oww..ack...Bloody roses...ooowwwww." He
suddenly appeared at the top of the pit, tripped and fell back in.
Rachlyte sighed, teleported down, grabbed him and teleported up. They
looked up at Ukyou, whose forehead was gleaming with a shining spatula
symbol.
Bailsite blinked. "Since when was there a spatula planet?"
"Maybe that's where Spatula City is."
Ukyou blinked. "Spatula planet?"
"Your forehead is shining with your senshi symbol. It looks
like...a spatula."
"I'm a senshi?"
Bailsite blinked. "You didn't know?"
"It's not like Ed McMahon sent me a letter, 'You may be the next
Senshi!'."
"Well, I'm afraid we're going to have to kill you now. Nice to see
someone spared us the necessity of putting you in a death trap."
Ukyou sighed. Great, someone with HANDS shows up and they want me
dead too. "Do I get a last request?"
"Sure."
"Will you kill that pink cat for me? I really hate it."
"I'm sorry, the ASPCA will sue us if we do that."
Ukyou swore. "Can I borrow a pen then to write a letter to my
fiancee?"
Bailsite nodded. "Sure. I found one down in that pit."
He handed Ukyou the pen, which he hadn't even looked at. He
realized too late it had a large gold star with a spatula symbol on it
attached to one end.
Ukyou blinked. She felt words come into her mind. She shouted,
"SPATULA STAR POWER, Make up!" The power rushed over her like a wave.
She shivered, feeling herself change. Her clothing shredded into a net
of red streamers and reformed into a white fuku with purple trim and a
purple skirt. The skirt had the same swirly black patterns as her
okonomiyaki seller's outfit. A bow appeared at her bosom, with a
mini-spatula in the middle of it. Purple gloves appeared on her hands. A
golden tiara with an amethyst set in it appeared on her forehead. A
shining golden spatula appeared before her and she grabbed it, suddenly
realizing her arms were now free. She bent herself up, grabbed the rope
she was hanging from, then cut the ropes off her leg with a few swift
spatula strokes.
Rachlyte was busy pounding Bailsite into the ground with a pair of
energy balance beams. "You idiot! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?"
Bailsite quietly passed out as Sailor Spatula lept to the ground.
Rachlyte frowned. "I told him we should have just gone
dancing...So, you think you can defeat me?"
"Well, if she can't, we can." Sailor Jupiter said.
Rachlyte blinked. She turned and saw the Sailor Senshi standing
before her. "Wait, weren't you locked in the basement?"
Sailor Mars smiled. "Wooden doors burn real good."
Beavis and Butthead wandered by. "HUHUHUHUH!!!! Fire! Fire!"
Beavis said.
Everyone turned and blasted the duo to ash in unison. And the
world became a better place.
Rachlyte sighed. "Well, this episode is too long already, so I'll
just take off now." She grabbed Bailsite and vanished in a stream of
signs reading, '9.5', 9.8', 'The East German Judge gives it a 3.0'.
"So you're one of us now! Congratulations!" Sailor Jupiter said,
giving Sailor Spatula a hug.
Sailor Mercury frowned. "There's not a spatula planet."
"Maybe she's an asteroid Senshi...those asteroids have weird names."
"That could be it," Sailor Mercury said.
Sailor Hammerspace frowned. "And WHERE is Ranma?"
Sailor Mercury said, "I'll do a search with my computer." She got
started, and took a few seconds to get the programming running, then
started playing the computer strip poker game she had rigged to use
images of Ranma and Ryouga.
Meanwhile, Shampoo, Artemis, and Luna continued to beat each other up.
***************************************************************************
<Somewhere in the Command Center>
The Legion of Substitute Sailors came to a huge door marked,
"Volcano Storage room."
"This is it!" T.U.K. (Tuxedo Umino Kamen) said.
Sailor Moon reached for the door. And then THEY came. You know
them. Rushing down the corridor in a vast screaming horde were a legion
of the most nefarious...okay, well, maybe not that nefarious...it depends
on who you are as to how bad they are, okay?
They looked innocent. A bunch of ordinary people. Then they
spoke. "What is Sailor Moon DOING with these people? These aren't
standard characters."
Sailor Hermes said, "Hello?"
They screamed in pain. "Someone's turned Naru into a Sailor
Senshi. NON-CANON!"
Sailor Moon said, "What?"
The horde screamed again. "IT's the DUB SAILOR MOON! EVIL! EVIL!"
The horde of Anime Purists poured forward, ranting about the evil
of dubs and how DIC must die and killing Saban and the bloody death that
waits for Carl Macek. The Sailors opened fire with all their attacks,
even the fairly useless ones, blasting away. Hundreds of Purists were
stuck together by their dozens of now magnetized Lum pins. Others were
frozen, blasted, and chopped up with a glaive-guisarme-salami-glaive-
guisarme-glaive. But they kept coming, a seemingly endless legion.
Sailor Titan shouted, "Titan Titan Titan Mind Read Titan Baked
Beans Attack!" and projected mental illusions of a complete set of Subtitled
Sailor Moon S episodes into the minds of one group of Purists, who ran
off after them, but it wasn't enough. "What are we going to do?"
There was a sound of castanets, followed by a belch. One of the
Purists collapsed as a sake bottle rattled off his head. "Do not fear,
I, Tuxedo Sake am here! And I brought a few friends!"
He swirled his cape and produced...a TV and VCR.
Everyone paused. Sailor Moon said, "Maybe I'm just stupid...but
what good will a TV and VCR do us?"
"It is well that you ask!" He produced a VCR tape. "Does anyone
know what this is?"
"A Fifth Generation copy of the twelfth Minky Momo episode?" one
Purist speculated.
"A disguised neutron bomb?"
"A giant wombat in a box!"
"It's a VCR Tape," Tuxedo Umino Kamen said.
Tuxedo Sake frowned. "This was found by the CIA in the wreckage
of a time machine. Its' the first episodes of Sailor Moon S from an
alternate timeline where DIC actually dubbed the entire series."
The purists howled with rage. This tape must die, they all thought.
Tuxedo Sake popped it into the VCR and the American version of the
theme song began to play. They staggered back, howling in impotent rage.
Four shining figures began to form in front of the TV. Soon, they became
clearly shaped. Susan, Horatia, Michelle, and Roberta 'Bobbie' appeared,
the spitting images of Setsuna, Hotaru, Michiru, and Haruka. The Purists
howled.
They transformed into their sailor selves. Sailor Uranus said,
"My name is Sailor Uranus. It looks like I won't be appearing on North
American Television. Prepare to die. SHAKE AND BAKING!!!!!" She blasted
some of the Purists into the stratosphere. The tide had turned.
************************************************************************
As Ranma, the Doctor, Priss, and Cologne walked down the street, it
started to rain. To make matters worse, the Slavers were driving by and
chose this point to dump Kunou out on the road, having already realized
they'd made a bad investment in even paying a few hundred yen for him.
Kunou peeled himself off the concrete and shook his fist at the
truck. "Oh vile villians, only the fact that you are taking my sister
away forever preventeth me from giving you the thrashing you so richly
deserve!"
Ranma-chan looked at Kunou and the DNA bomb finally kicked in. Her
eyes turned into little hearts. "Kunou-chan!"
He paused. Do I truly hear the voice of my goddess?
Cologne gagged as soft music began to play and cherry blossoms
rained down. Ranma-chan and Kunou ran towards each other, against a
blurry background.
As they embraced, suddenly, a Tanuki appeared in the space where
they had been standing. The Doctor frowned.
************************************************************************
Negiri, Futaba, and Misaki collapsed into a happy pile of exhausted
joy. They might hate themselves in the morning, but they were happy
campers for now.
**************************************************************************
Priss blinked at the Tanuki. "What the..."
The Doctor frowned. "A TARDIS."
Cologne said, "I thought your people don't interfere with..."
"It must be..."
The Tanuki spoke. With Happousai's voice. "Yes, it's me!"
Cologne swore. "Where did Happousai get a TARDIS?"
"That's not Happousai." The Doctor paused. "At least, I've never
heard him called that."
"So Doctor. I have you captive, you know. Surrender or I'll kill you."
Cologne blinked. "What?"
The Doctor sighed. "He's holding another of my incarnations captive."
Priss said, "I told you we shouldn't have let him go off alone."
The Doctor shrugged. "It's genre. Had to be done."
"So we're just going to surrender?"
The Doctor smiled, then whispered, "You have a better way to get
inside?"
Cologne paused. "Right. Come and take us away, haha."
The Tanuki swung open. The Master stepped out, holding his infamous
tissue compression-gun.
The Doctor laughed. "Shoot yourself with your own gun?"
"Shut up. I'll have a better body soon enough." He looked at
Cologne. "I don't REMEMBER shooting you..."
She frowned. Here we go again...
**************************************************************************
The Master ushered them into a room full of oddball looking devices,
like in a bad fifties science-fiction flick. Dr. Tofu was there,
strapped in with a huge strainer and electrodes tied to his head.
Ranma-chan and Kunou were strapped into it as well.
The Doctor blinked. "I can see why you strapped me in...but why them?"
Dr. Tofu said, "Hello, Doctor."
Kunou said, "Unleash whatever vile experiments on me that you
wish. I ask only that you free my pig-tailed goddess."
"I need their lifeforce to power the device."
Cologne frowned. "I can't let you do that."
"Try to stop me and I'll zap you."
"You can have Kunou's life force, but I NEED Ranma."
"Which one is Ranma?"
"The girl."
"Hmm. Well, I'll just take this other girl, then. It's not like
I particularly need this specific girl."
Cologne said, "Okay."
Priss said, "No way!"
The Doctor said, "Why don't you just use your Tardis' power supply?"
The Master paused. "Because...uh...er...The manual said to use
two humans?"
Cologne smiled. "Well, neither of them is human."
The Master blinked. "What?"
"One is too stupid to be human, the other is a magical being."
The Master frowned. "Do not toy with me." He pointed the
tissue-compression gun at Cologne. "Even as dried up as you are..."
Cologne had had enough. She lept for the Master, staff in hand.
However, he pulled the trigger faster than she could disarm him. Nothing
happened.
The Doctor blinked. "Maybe you have shot her before..."
Cologne paused, turned, and whacked the Doctor in the head.
Pluto suddenly appeared nearby, holding a pair of batteries in her
hand. "Should have used Everready, Master."
The Doctor blinked. "Granddaughter! I haven't seen you since you
took up with that boy on 21st Century Earth."
Priss smiled. "Well, luckily for me...I did use Everready." She
paused. "KNIGHT SABRE POWER, ACTIVATE!" Her armor appeared. Sabre
Blue smiled. "Let's rock!"
The Master didn't stand a chance.
****************************************************************************
As the Senshi ran up, Ranma-chan, Kunou, Dr. Tofu and Cologne
stepped out of the Tardis. Dr. Tofu said, "So what are we doing to do
with the Master?"
"Can't you dump him on the Dalek homeworld or something?"
The Doctor, standing in the doorway with Priss and Pluto, said, "Yes,
but what about the poor person he possessed?"
Cologne said, "Trust me...being possessed by the Master actually
was an improvement."
The Doctor blinked. "You're joking."
"Trust me. I'm NOT joking." Cologne said. She looked over at
Ranma-chan, who was snuggling up to Kunou. "How long will that cure
take, anyway?"
The Doctor handed her a kettle. "A few days at worst...maybe only
a few hours."
She dumped the water on Ranma-chan, who transformed and suddenly
leaped away from Kunou, gagging visibly. Kunou frowned. "Evil Troll!
Why have you taken away my love?"
"Look, she's right over there!" Cologne said. Kunou turned and
Cologne punted him into the sky.
"Was that really necessary?" Dr. Tofu asked.
His reply was interrupted as a flock of Sailor Senshi suddenly
descended upon the site, grabbed Ranma, punted Cologne into Low Earth
Orbit, and ran off with Ranma.
The Doctor blinked. "Does that happen often?"
Pluto laughed. "Constantly."
**************************************************************************
The Sailors dragged Ranma back to Makoto's apartment. By now,
everyone had either gone home or passed out. Unbeknownst to the Sailors,
Misaki, Futaba, and Negiri were still unconscious in the guest room.
Gosunkugi and Ryouga were passed out on the couch. (No, not from THAT,
you sickos.) There was a duck sleeping in the sink, which someone had
filled with sake and clogged up. Steven was sitting in front of the
still turned on Playstation, but he was unconscious as well. Every so
often he'd turn over, bump the controls, and start another game going.
The sailors quickly transformed back to normal and deposited Ranma
on the couch while Mamoru went and got the duck out of the sink, then
started trying to unclog it. Canes are useful things.
Ranma said, "What a mess. It's REALLY important you keep cold
water away from me for a while."
"Why, Ranchan?" Ukyou asked.
"Some twit shot me with a bullet that causes me to lust after men
when I'm female." Ranma shuddered. "I tried to...to..."
"So that's why we saw Kunou rising into the sky?"
He nodded. "I wonder what happened to the girl who tried to do
that to me, anyway..."
************************************************************************
Karin, still locked in the Master's Broom Closet sighed. "At this
rate, I'll never get my handsome husband and beautiful little home..."
************************************************************************
"So what are we going to do with the Master's Tardis?" Priss asked.
The Doctor thought for a moment. "Would you like to have it?"
Priss blinked. "My own Tardis?"
Pluto laughed. "Well, the Master won't be needing it...assuming
there's any of him left after the Cybermen finish with him..."
Priss said, "Can I use it's chameleon circuits to turn it into a
really spiffy bike?"
The Doctor laughed. "Sounds good to me."
Karin would have a VERY long wait.
***********************************************************************
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu bailesu@komodo.hacks.arizona.edu
http://www.hacks.arizona.edu/~bailesu/falcon.html
P-chan ran across the field and hopped into Akane's arms. She
snuggled her little pet. "I love you, P-chan, especially with a little
apple in your mouth and that special sauce Ukyou makes." They cooked
P-chan over an open fire and made special okonomiyaki out of him. And
all was good.
--Draft of Lemon Sherbet, Episode 12