Untitled fic by Eimii <eimii@selway.umt.edu>. Contact her (not the
list) if you need a copy.

Mechanically, I'm not sure what you're trying to do. It seems to be a
sort of hybrid between script form and story form. Your narrator goes
from present to past tense for no apparent reason. The style also
seems to me to switch between narrative and the kind of matter-of-fact
stage-direction kind of descriptions you find in scripts.

Creatively, I'm not sure where it's going, but I think it looks great
so far. I think you've captured Ryoga quite well. I'm not an expert on
Ah Megami-sama, but as far as I can tell your treatment of this series
looks good too. The storyline is intriguing and I look forward to
reading more.

By the way, you may want to stop bashing yourself over the head. I
mean, it is amusing to watch, but I think you'd feel better if you
did.

I would get down on my knees
and kiss your collective feet, but I doubt I'd be able to get back up

Oh, don't grovel. I hate it when people grovel. And don't apologize!
Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "I'm not
worthy..."

WE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS MESSAGE LAPSING INTO HOLY GRAIL MODE. THOSE
RESPONSIBLE HAVE BEEN SACKED.

Okay, one last comment:

start writing chapter two just as soon as I find a good insurance company.

Forget it, kid. That's an oxymoron.

Gary


Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe