Ok... on the suggestion of a couple of readers, I have rewritten the
first part of Collapse to some extent.  It was pointed out to me that
this segment was weaker than the rest, and I have tried to strengthen it
somewhat.  It has also grown in length, and it starts eariler in the
history of things than the original.

	Let me know how it compares to the old version, so that I can decide
which to base successive revisions on.

I liked this version a lot more.  The page or so of normalcy before the 
boomers go off adds a lot to it, and makes you feel more like you are reading 
an ongoing storyline than a bunch of fight scenes.  The battles seemed better 
as well.  The knight sabers seem to be back up to their levels of intelligence 
again in this part as well.  I think somewhere in the later parts you should 
have the army in a major battle.  I know about their boomers rebelling, but 
the army can fight on more than one front (and lose badly), I would assume 
that could add something to it if you ever need anything to add to a fight 
scene.  The storyline is also more convincing with the add ons.

Draxon Review Corner Operating System... ONLINE
Loading Bubblegum Collapse 1/5  *REVISED*
Initializing Review Process... COMPLETE


Story 8.7  From what you see here, we have boomers rebelling. This is pretty 
much standard fare.  Still, this part was well written.  You get to see some 
difference from a lot of the 'boomers rebel' stuff later on, which makes the 
entire thing work well.

Characterizations 8.8  It has been pointed out to me that the Knight Sabers 
have been changed during Bubblegum Collision.  Even with that taken into 
consideration, I was disturbed with their speech in the non-revised version.  
I saw a lot of improvement in that area, with very minor changes in the points 
they made while talking to one another.  

Grammar 9.0 Great.  I saw no errors. after a quick run-through.  I recently 
received some email concerning spacing, and I was wrong about the double 
spacing.  The spacing rules I was using were direct from Keyboarding class.  
It was pointed out to me that those rules were originally for typewriters, and 
then not changed to fit computers.  Single spaced seems to be the standard on 
the FFML, and I apologize for using a different standard.  (I didn't subtract 
points from this because you accepted my spacing recommendations, that was my 
fault, besides, it looks fine to me ;)

Descriptions 9.2 Here we go.  The combat was much better this time, and the 
battles seemed to have more of a purpose than simply filling space  (some of 
that goes under the story DEPT. as well)  the descriptions are a bit deeper 
when describing graphic scenes such as combat, you used color a lot more this 
time around as well. Good.

Fun Factor 9.0  This was a good read, and makes me look forward to the rest of 
the revised series (although I don't think the other parts need a whole lot 
done to them right now.)

(The statement below applies to revisions of the reviewing method soon to be 
implemented)

Soon I will add the category Originality.  When making my comments on the 
'standard fare' of boomers rebelling I came up with the idea for a new 
category.  Originality will focus on how 'new' the story is, and Story will 
focus on how well written the fic is.