I've broken this story into Chunks.  Chapters one-Nine are complete, 
10-12 are under construction.  

I should be releaseing probably 1-3 chapters a week until Done.


[Warning.  This series contains Lemon scenes and extreme silliness.  
Characters may wander wildly in and out of character.  Do not adjust your 
Television Set. ]

Author's foreward:

I said after Lemonade, I would never write another Lemon story...well, 
Richard Nixon claimed we wouldn't have him to push around any more and he 
was wrong too. :)  This is a PSEUDO-Sequel to Lemonade.  It uses the same 
structure of Main story and backstage stuff.

ENJOY!


{music cue: Pandas must die}

     The moon shone down on Ranma's bedroom.  Once again,
Ranma was being squished in his sleep.  However, this time
it wasn't his father...It was a much more pleasant squishiness
although if the others found out, the beatings were likely 
to commence.  She was asleep, but Ranma couldn't sleep.  The
simple fact that he'd gotten through a day without a beating 
meant he couldn't sleep until he got that beating. Not because
he liked pain, but because he was a creature of habit.  Okay,
considering his life, maybe he did like pain.  Either that or he
just had trouble avoiding it.

     He now realized someone was standing in front of him.
A mysterious figure in a t-shirt and jeans.  He racked his
brain, wondering what horrible foe had returned to do battle
with him this time.  Some fiancee his father hadn't
mentioned yet?  A pizza boy he forgot to tip who had sworn eternal 
vengeance?  His long lost twin sister, who wanted to sleep with
him?  That guy who lives in the Tendo basement?  Lao Tse with that 
stupid water buffalo again?  Elvis?  Sir Galahad?  He waited for
the mysterious figure to announce itself.

     The moon reflected off the figure's glasses and for a
moment, Ranma wondered if maybe it was just Moose after a
haircut and a wardrobe change.  Then Ranma remembered Moose is 
a character in Archie, but that it could be Mousse.  But the 
figure lurking silently in the shadows was too short to be Moose or 
Mousse.  The figure looked down at Ranma.  "Hiya, old buddy.  Time for
another story."

     Ranma blinked and looked more carefully.  He started running
through a list of fanfic authors in his mind, then realized there
were so many, he might be here forever.  

     The clouds drifted away from the moon and the figure
was lit up.  He was wearing a white t-shirt that said
OTAKON, and a pair of black jeans.  He had short ash-blond
hair and a pair of battered gold rimmed glasses.  For just a
few seconds, Ranma felt like he was seeing some incredibly
twisted reflection of himself.  Horribly twisted...Suddenly
he realized who this had to be.  Biles.  Ranma shook his
head.  "I ought to recognize this guy by now.  I've
certainly starred in enough stories he's written.  Heh.
Now if he'd only finish Furinkan Summer..."

     The man frowned.  "I'm working on it, okay?  It wasn't
my idea to lose the disk."    He pulled over a chair from the desk, 
apparently settling in for a while.  Ranma sat up.

     "So what's up?  Here to give me the low down on the next
Furinkan Summer Episode?  Did Jeremy finally finish chapter 4 of
Ta'averen 1/2?  Am I finally gonna get to sleep as a male in DNR?
You're not gonna make me pregnant are you?"  Ranma shuddered.  That
story had been a nightmare...

     Biles smiled.  "Trust me.  I swear I'll never make you pregnant and 
dead in the same story."

     Ranma smiled, not noticing that wasn't actually a promise not 
to ever make him pregnant.

     "No, I've decided to do a crossover."

     Ranma perked up.  That could be fun.  "A crossover of
what?"  Images sprang through his mind.  

     "Sailor Moon and Ranma 1/2.  Also..."

     Ranma screamed.  "I WILL NOT WEAR A SAILOR SUIT!  I WON'T!  ONE 
SERIES LIKE THAT IS ENOUGH!"

     "Calm down.  You'll meet the Senshi, not BE the senshi."  Well, it 
won't be the main point of the story, anyway, Biles thought.

     Ranma relaxed.  That could be okay.  The cameo in Symphony of the 
Planets hadn't been too bad. "You're not gonna engage me to Usagi are you?"

     "No, not at all.  However, the Principal will be possessed by a 
youma and shave your head.  Also, you're gonna get beaten up a few 
times.  On the bright side..."

     "I won't stand for that!  I'm the star!  You can't show me up in my 
own story!"

     "It's not just your story, Ranma.  You can't have it all your way.  
You might have to lose a few fights and..."

     "No way!  You're gonna turn me into a youma or something!  Forget 
it!  I'm outta here."

     "You live here."

     "Then...uh.  Right.  You can't make me do it!"

     "Like you stopped me last time?"

    "You think you can stop me from walking right out of
here?"  Ranma said.  "MAs don't stop fists very well."
Ranma blinked.  Wait, hadn't this happened before?

     "Go right ahead.  Please.  I invite you to step
outside."  Biles smiled again.  This had indeed happened before,
but he wasn't going to tell Ranma that.

     Gears rumbled inside Ranma's brain.  Did Biles want him
to go outside?  Or to stay here?  How could he best thwart
Biles' plans?  And didn't something like this happen on some
previous occassion?  Unfortunately, Ranma forgot Biles 
was reading his mind.  While Ranma was distracted, Biles quietly made
the final preparations.  The story was about to begin.

     Biles said, "Come on Ranma.  This will be a lot more
fun if you play along.  Besides, I know that deep down you
want to sleep with the entire cast of Sailor Moon, anyway.  Well,
the female part of the cast."

     Ranma turned red.  "I don't want to sleep with all of them, just 
some of...I mean, ahh..."

     "Tsk, tsk.  When Akane hears you said that...for that matter, who's 
that in the bed with you?"

     Ranma laughed. "Hah!  Akane is right here, so she can't possibly get 
mad at me for sleeping with someone else like I did ...uh, I mean.  This 
is Akane."

     "Are you sure?"

     "Wanna take a look?  Uh...I mean..."

     The girl sat up and stretched, then saw Biles and clutched the 
sheets to herself. He blushed and turned away.

     "Oh, acting modest are you now, Biles?  What about Lemonade?  What 
about..."

     "That wasn't me!  It was just a personality fragment!"

     The girl cuddled up to Ranma.  "Why is he here, Ranma?"

     "He's just trying to annoy us, Akane, into being in some dumb story."

     Biles turned on the lights.  "That's not Akane, Ranma..."

     Ranma turned...it wasn't Akane.  She looked similar, but her hair 
was bluish in tint...she looked shyer...and...  Ranma suddenly realized 
he was in bed with Mizuno Ami.

     He jumped back with a start.  "Ack...I...you..."

     Ami frowned.  "Is there something wrong, Ranma?  You're 
not...ashamed of our love affair are you?"

     Ranma froze up like a rock.  "I thought...I thought..."

     "The way we made love over and over and..."

     Biles held  out a microphone and said, "Can you speak into this 
microphone please?  Akane is going to want to hear all of this."

     Ranma leaped for the microphone.  At that moment, in the hallway, 
Akane said, "Is that you in there, Biles?"

     "Yeah!  Come on in!  I want you to meet someone!"

     Ranma screamed and leaped out the window, which flashed brightly.  
Biles smiled and nodded to Ami.

     There was a bright flash of light and Ami suddenly was fully 
clothed.  Akane walked in.  "Hi, Biles.  Hmm.  Where's Ranma?"

     "He had to go for some reason.  This is my friend Ami."

     Biles explained the story idea to Akane, who seemed more agreeable 
than Ranma.  Finally she left.  Ami put down the disguise pen 
and...turned into Nabiki.

     Biles handed Nabiki a fresh credstick.  "Here's your payment.  The 
plan went perfectly.  I was afraid the disguise pen might not work right..."

     "I certainly enjoyed it."  Nabiki lay back on the sheets and smiled.

     "See you later, Nabiki."

     Biles departed.  Nabiki put down the disguise pen...and turned into 
Mizuno Ami.  "Oh what a tangled web we weave...You'd think Biles could 
remember these pens don't work for just anyone."  She got up, got her 
clothing and smiled.  The story was about to begin...
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

<Music cue:  Stay For a While, Amy Grant>

Makoto's Old Boyfriend...

By John Biles

A Raging Wombat Studios Production



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
<Music Cue:  Big Lizard in my back yard, Dead Milkmen>

     Makoto walked down the streets of Nerima alone.  She was used to 
it.  Her friends would be here later, but she had to get to the cooking 
contest early.  Unfortunately, she wasn't quite sure how to get where she 
was going.  It seemed like this district was best described as a twisty, 
bendy maze of streets all alike.  

     As she looked around, a girl carrying a large ladle ran out
of a large dojo that fronted on the street.  She had short black
hair and was wearing a school uniform.  A second girl leaned out
the doorway and yelled, "Akane, you forgot the spices!".  The
second girl had long black hair to mid-back, gathered together
with a green ribbon.  It was clear she was an older relative of
the first girl, possibly her sister.  As Akane turned and ran
back inside, Makoto approached the older girl.

     "Pardon me, do you know the way to Furinkan High School?  I'm going 
to a cooking contest there."  Makoto prayed that, unlike the last five 
people she had asked, this girl would not cross herself and slam the 
door.  Something must be horribly wrong at that school.

     "Why yes, my sister Akane goes there.  She's on her way to the 
cooking contest also.  Oh, I'm Tendo Kasumi.  And you are?"  Kasumi 
smiled pleasantly.

     Makoto realized to her surprise that Kasumi was almost as tall as
she was and only a few years older.  She had seemed so adult at
first.  "I'm Kino Makoto.  Nice to meet you."

     Various disaster noises erupted from inside the kitchen, as if some 
sort of an earthquake was in progress.  Faintly, a male voice said, "Kino 
Makoto?"

     Makoto blinked. The voice sounded somewhat familiar.  "Um...Yes?"

     While the disaster noises slowly abated, a young man, covered in 
some sort of white powder...flour?, walked over to the door and into 
view.  He looked familiar to Makoto, although the fine sheen of white 
made him look more ghost than man.  "It is you!"

     "You look..."  Memories stirred in Makoto's mind.  Back to when she 
was twelve, just before her parents died in that crash.  Back to when she 
was still going to Nisan primary school.  Back to when she knew a 
pig-tailed boy named...

     "Mako-chan, it's me, Saotome Ranma."  He smiled, remembering his 
friend from the sixth grade.  His dad had dragged him off to that boy's 
school shortly after that.  He hadn't seen her in four years.

     "Ranchan!  You're alive!  You just vanished one day!"  Impulsively, 
she leaped forward and hugged him, getting flour all over herself.  

     Kasumi smiled.  "I take it you know each other?"

     "We were in the fifth and sixth grade together, Kasumi.  Dad hauled 
me off to a boy's school just before Winter break.  Well, actually we 
went on a training trip, then he transferred me to that boys' school."  
Ranma smiled. "Did you move, Mako-chan?  I tried writing, but I never got 
a reply..."

     Makoto shuddered slightly.  "That was right before my parents died 
in a plane crash..."

     Kasumi's eyes got big.  "That's awful.  I was very young when my 
mother died, but I still think about her every day.  It must have been 
very hard on you."

     Makoto nodded.  "Are you related to Ranma?  I always thought he was an 
only child...But then his dad never talked about Ranma's mother...or 
relatives...or..."

     Kasumi smiled.  "I could only be called his sister in a very 
figurative sense.  Ranma and his father are living with my family."  The 
kitchen had fallen very quiet.

     Makoto suddenly noticed she was still embracing Ranma.  She
looked him up and down subtly.  He had become very handsome and
looked as if he might almost be as strong as herself.  Perhaps
I'll just stay like this for as long as he lets me get away with
it.  It's nice to have someone's arms around me.  Especially an
old friend like Ranma.

     Makoto was shaken out of her reverie by an loud *THUMP!*  Ranma 
suddenly slumped in her arms.  She turned a bit and saw the girl Akane 
standing behind Ranma with a frying pan, ready to whap Ranma again.  

     Kasumi said, "Now Akane, that wasn't very nice to do to Ranma when 
he's saying hello to an old friend."

     "With his arms around her?"  Akane stared at Makoto.  "If you try to 
claim you're his fiancee, I'll scream."

     "Fiancee?  We're just old friends from school."  Although I wouldn't 
mind being something more.  Ranma was such a dear.  Now he's really 
handsome too.  I guess she must be his girlfriend, though, or she 
wouldn't be beating him up for hugging me.  "And even if I WAS his 
fiancee, what right do you have to beat him up for hugging someone?"

     "I'M his fiancee!"  Akane glared suspiciously at Makoto.

     "Why would you think I might be his fiancee if you're his fiancee?"  
Makoto wondered.  Although I guess a lot of girls probably do find him 
attractive.

     Makoto's question was answered as the wall exploded next to her.  
A purple haired chinese girl popped through and grabbed Ranma.  "Nihao, 
Ranma-groom.  Ready to date with Shampoo?"  

     Makoto said, "I take it she thinks Ranma is her fiancee?"

     Akane nodded grimly and turned to Shampoo.  "Get away from my fiancee!"

     Ranma, now recovering consciousness, said, "Uh, hi, Shampoo.  No, 
I'm not going to date with you."

     Shampoo started to drag him off.  "Go away violent pervert girl,"  
she said to Akane.  Ranma flailed ineffectively as Shampoo dragged him 
off.  

    Akane charged in wielding a table, only to have Shampoo
casually knock her across the room with a mace.  The table soon
followed after her, hitting Akane on the head and knocking her
senseless for a few minutes.

     Moving to block Shampoo, Makoto growled.  "Let go of Ranma.
Now."

     Shampoo laughed.  "You another pathetic violent ugly pervert girl?  Go 
away and Shampoo let you live."

     Makoto contemplated transforming into Sailor Jupiter and 
electrocuting this maniac, then decided to just do it the old fashioned 
way.  She walked up to Shampoo.  "You think I'm pathetic?"

     Shampoo nodded.  "Stupid school uniform too."

     "You're even stupider to let me get this close."  She rabbit
punched Shampoo in the gut.  The Amazon doubled over in surprise,
her breath blasted out of her lungs.  Then Makotot swiftly boxed
Shampoo's ears as hard as she could.  Shampoo blinked, then fell
down.  Ranma scrambled loose.

     Makoto helped Ranma up.  "You okay, Ranchan?"

     "I don't think that was a good idea."  Ranma looked nervously at 
Shampoo.  "I never knew you were so strong..."

     "I've always been pretty strong.  And now I'm taller and stronger 
than virtually ever girl I know and a lot of the guys.  Why don't you 
think that was a good idea, Ranchan?"  Makoto looked down at Shampoo.  She must 
have been pretty strong to knock down that wall.  Too overconfident, though.

     "Because if a non-Amazon beats her in combat, she has to kill the 
person who beat her."  Ranma sighed.  "If you were male, she'd have to 
marry you instead.  That's my problem."

     "What kinda nutty law is that?"

     "Amazon law.  Very important to her...She's from the chinese Amazon 
village."  

     Kasumi helped Akane up off the floor when she woke up.  "You
okay, Akane?"

     Akane said, "I'm fine.  Where did that maniac..."  Akane saw Shampoo 
on the floor.  "Did you finally ...," she started to say to Ranma.

     "I took her down, Akane,"  Makoto said.  "Geez...what a mess.  So 
now I've got a maniac Amazon on my trail..."

     "You too,...uh...what's your name?"

     "Kino Makoto.  I'm an old friend of Ranma's from fifth and sixth 
grade.  I was on my way to the cooking contest at Furinkan High and..."

     Akane smiled.  "You too?  I can show you the way there."

     "Just don't eat any of her food, Mako-chan.  I want you to live."  
Ranma said.  "I'll come with you two...I need to find out where you live 
now and everything.  And tell you whose food is safe to eat."

    Ranma soon found a very nice ladle bent over his head and Akane 
growling at him.  "My food is not poisonous!"

    This must be an arranged engagement, Makoto thought.  Either that or 
I really picked the wrong day to wander back into his life.  'Cause they 
really, really don't seem to get along.

***************************************************

<Music cue:  Girls just want to have lunch, Weird Al>

     Furinkan High School, as usual, was a disaster area.  The first 
thing you noticed were the smells.  Not that all of them were bad...but 
many of them were.  Makoto pinched her nose, as did Akane and Ranma.

     "Yeesh, you'd think you were cooking or something, Akane,"  Ranma 
said.  "I guess there must be worse cooks than you in the world..."

     "Ranchan...that wasn't a very nice thing to say about your 
fiancee,"  Makoto said.  As she turned towards Ranma, she saw him 
crumple to the ground with a frying pan wrapped over his skull.  

     "Ranma no Baka!"  Akane yelled and stomped off towards the home ec 
classroom where the contest was being held.  

     Makoto helped Ranma up and peeled the frying pan off his head.  
"Wow, she's pretty strong.  She's not really such a bad cook, is she?"

     "Well, she hasn't killed me yet..."  Ranma said, rubbing his head.  
"She's come close, though."  He started down the hallway.  "Come on, the 
classroom's this way."

     Soon they reached the home economics classroom, which was basically 
a gigantic kitchen with multiple ovens, sinks, cabinets, stoves, and 
other cooking devices and supplies.  There were dozens of girls from 
different schools here, all competing in the cooking contest, being 
sponsored by the Fuji Baking Corporation.  The winner got a year's supply 
of various baking mixes, flour, sugar, and many other useful substances 
for a skillful chef.

     Many of the cooks were already hard at work, and a mixture of 
pleasant and pungent aromas filled the air.  Makoto spotted her friend 
Usagi, who was busilly crying...over onions.  Ranma saw Kodachi, Akane, 
and Ukyou all hard at work cooking.  In one corner was a very young 
looking short blonde girl with a flower in her hair, hard at work 
stuffing items into a bento box...pink and purple and off-mauve items.  
Strangely enough, the workareas closest to her were empty...well, except 
for the unconscious people.

     They were also the only available spaces, so Makoto set herself up 
in one of them.  Ranma said to her, "Well, I can't take all these 
smells...I'll be back for the judging in a couple of hours...I think I'll 
spend the time looking for a gas mask."

     "Well my food won't smell so...bleah.  What is that kid putting in 
her bento box?"  Makoto looked over at the little blonde girl.  "If you 
can find me one as well, I'd appreciate it."  

     Ranma nodded.  Makoto noticed he stopped at Akane's table on the way 
out, said something to her, got hit in the head, then ran off.  She 
sighed.  Why does Ranchan put up with being abused like that?  On the 
other hand, he really is rude to her...From what he was telling me, they 
fight like this all the time.  That's got to be awful.  

     Soon the joy of cooking chased all other thoughts and worries from 
Makoto's mind.  She lost herself in preparation of some great food.

     Over at her table, Usagi struggled with the curry she was 
preparing.  It was one of her best recipies...Mamoru liked it so much!  
Finally, the onions were done.  She looked up and saw Makoto across the 
room.  Makoto waved and smiled at her.  Usagi waved back, sending part 
of a carrot across the room.  "Oops..."  I'd forgotten I was holding 
that.  The carrot arced through the air and landed on the head of some 
girl in a black dress that Usagi didn't recognize.  

     The girl turned and glared at Usagi, than gave her an evil grin.  
Usagi shuddered as the girl turned around and went back to her cooking.  
Something creepy about that girl...

     Usagi went back to her cooking.  This curry would be so perfect!  An 
odd bubbling noise caught her attention.  It was a pot of water boiling 
over on her stove.  "Ahhh!  Don't do that!  You're not supposed to be 
ready yet!"  She flailed frantically, then pulled herself together.  
Right.  Just turn down the heat...She turned down the heat and it stopped 
boiling over.  Something brushed her leg.  She ignored it and started 
cutting carrots again, only to have her leg brushed again.  She kicked at 
whatever was brushing against her, and heard a loud, "OOF!"

     Turning to look, she saw a very short balding man in an odd little 
costume holding a bouquet of black roses.  "The mistress said these are 
for you."

     "Uh...thanks, I guess."  She took the roses.  Black roses.  Black 
roses...where had she seen black roses before?  The man looked at her, 
then blinked. 

     "Is something wrong?"  Usagi asked.

     "Aren't you going to smell them?"  the little man said.

     "I couldn't smell a skunk in this room...so many smells..."  Black 
ro...When Beryl corrupted Tuxedo Kamen, his roses turned black!  Has 
someone sunk their claws into my Mamoru again?  GRRRRRR.... Usagi began 
to growl loudly, and the little man began to back up.

     "Who are you and who gave you these roses?"  Usagi said, looming over 
the little man, with fire shooting out of her eyes.

     "My name is Sasuke and Mistress Kodachi sent them..."  Sasuke said.  He 
backed up.  Certainly the roses had never done this before...

     The girl followed him.  "Where IS she?"  Sasuke pointed to the girl 
Usagi had hit in the head with the carrot.  "Tell her to STAY AWAY FROM 
MY MAMORU!  And if I find out she's done ANYTHING to him, she's going to 
pay!"

     Sasuke nodded meekly.  "I...uh...yes, right." 

     "Now get out of here!"  Usagi loomed over Sasuke like a flaming 
mountain about to fall from the heavens.

     "Yes, mistress."  Sasuke bowed and fled.  

     Usagi kept a sharp eye on the little man and his mistress.  He might 
be a youma, she thought.  Little was she aware that the real youma was 
running the school.

***************************************************
<In the Command Center>

     Biles sat back and relaxed.  For once, the filming was going without 
any problems.  One of his muses, the lovely Princess Kahm was giving him 
a nice relaxing backrub while the first segment of Makoto's Old Boyfriend 
was shooting in the high school set on Lot 3.  Those blasted contract 
negotiations over Sailor Moon Z were finally over.  He'd put Godai to 
work writing the script for Furinkan Summer #4.  The three 
goddesses had agreed to appear in Makoto's Old Boyfriend as their 
evil twins, the Dark Queens of the Megamiverse.  Now if only Skuld 
would give up on that stupid Evillizer machine and just accept the 
concept of using makeup to appear evil...

     Akemi Rippongi walked up to Biles, a clipboard in her hand.  "Hey Boss, 
Makoto wants to know if she gets three sex scenes with Ranma or four."

     Biles blinked.  "There aren't going to be any sex scenes."

     Akemi blinked.  "She says her contract guarantees at least one sex 
scene, and last night in bed you said..."

     Biles blanched and Kahm dug her fingernails into Biles' back. "I 
wasn't in bed with her last night!  Kahm can vouch for me!"

     Kahm blinked.  Oh yeah, I was with him the whole night.  She 
stopped clawing Biles and started massaging again.  

     Akemi smiled.  "Ahh. Getting inspiration for someone's vertical.."

     Biles frowned.  "It was a story conference!"

     "I suppose the moaning was a ghost?"

     Biles blushed.  "There will be NO sex in this story!  Who put that 
clause in her contract anyway?"

     "I have no idea,"  Akemi lied.  I wonder what he's gonna say when he 
sees I put clauses like that in all the contracts.  He has a true creative 
vision, but he never puts enough sex in anything.  Well, my job is to fix 
that, among other things.  I'll show him he should have kept me as his 
muse!  How'd he get two muses anyway?  I guess they thought he needed 
someone to keep an eye on him after that Lemonade incident.

     Biles sighed.  "Where's Rachel, Kahm?"

     "I think she's busy directing the shooting for 'Makoto's Old 
Boyfriend', right now.  Akemi, go get Makoto.  We've got to talk to her 
about this before she has to go back on screen."

     Akemi nodded, headed out into the hallway, but never quite got to 
Makoto.  


***************************************************
<Any music from Power Rangers>

     Pyrite sat down in the Principal's office with the Principal.  As 
per standard operating procedure, he'd had Youma Bob possess the 
Principal.  Unfortunately, Youma Bob was having problems.

     "Now, what are we going to do?"

     "Shave their heads and bring the hair to Dark Queen Belldandy!"

     Pyrite sighed.  I really should have taken that Dragon Ball Z 
contract when I had the chance...At least there I'd get blown into the 
Sun or something...a lot less painful than this thankless job.  "No!  
Steal their energy and bring it all to Dark Queen Skuld!"

     "Steal Dark Queen Skuld's hair too!"  the youma-principal said.

     Pyrite sighed.  Maybe I should have gone for the school 
disciplinarian instead...

*************************************************** 
<In Lot 3>

     Rachel smiled.  This filming was going well, so far.  She turned to 
her assistant, Molly, Naru's understudy, who wasn't appearing in anything 
being shot today, so she was helping out Rachel.  "Molly, is Bailsite ready?"

     Molly checked her clipboard.  "Hmm.  He's scheduled to come rant 
about how he's tired of always losing and he isn't going on screen until 
he wins."

     Rachel blinked.  "He scheduled that in advance?"

     Bailsite stormed in.  "I refuse to be a doormat for those Sailor 
Scouts again!"  He was a short man with short, messy ash-blonde hair, 
dressed in a tightfitting blue uniform that resembled...okay, it didn't 
actually look like anything real.  Nor was he very impressive in it.  He 
didn't care.  He was also the only known Youma general with glasses.  

     "Sailor Senshi, Bailsite.  This isn't the North American Dub."  
Rachel sighed.  If one more person calls them scouts, the Senshi had 
sworn to blow up the entire building.  

     "Whatever!  I've been beaten 23 times by them, and I know that means 
I'm gonna get executed soon or they'll kill me or I'll spontaneously 
combust or something."  Bailsite began to rant about anti-General 
prejudice and blacklisting and something about the House Anti-Youma 
Activities Committee.

     "How's this for a deal?  We won't let them kill you this time.  In 
return, you have to go through with the scene."  

     "And I want 50% of the profit on Bailsite UFO catcher dolls."

     Rachel nodded.  "Agreed."

     "And I want to finally catch my evil brother Bailesu and..."

     "Good brother Bailesu,"  Molly said.

     "Whatever.  I want to kill him on screen."

     "How about if you just get to maim him on screen?"

     "Alright.  I can handle that."

     Rachel nodded.  A beam of light fired from her forehead up into the 
sky.  She floated into the air for a moment, then settled to earth.  "The 
pact is sealed.   Now get on stage!"  

     He sprinted off towards his place on the set.  "Anything else, Molly?"

     Molly checked the list.  "This is where Happousai comes and 
complains he doesn't have a good part in this movie."

     Happousai ran in, dressed in a miniature suit.  "I say, can't we 
rewrite this part to use this monologue I wrote on the transience of love 
and the fragility of the human soul?"

     Rachel sighed and clutched her head in her hands.  Maybe I should 
have let Kahm direct this time.  

*************************************************** 
<Music cue: Be Cruel to your school, Twisted Sister>
     
     The girls were hard at work as the cooking competition continued, 
truly putting heart and soul into it.  The Fuji Baking Corporation 
representative smiled.  Dark Queen Belldandy will be pleased.  The harder 
they cook, the more energy I can drain from them!  While Pyrite wastes 
her time with that stupid principal, I'm getting all the life energy!  
Why'd I get stuck with that moron, anyway?  Normally I work with 
Rachlyte, not this Pyrite idiot.  Well, once her part of this plan fails, 
maybe Dark Queen Skuld will exile her to the ice cream mines.  

     The senshi will never recognize me with this disguise, he thought, 
adjusting the set of Groucho glasses he was wearing.  I just have to 
remember to chew on the cigar, not eat it.  Bailsite cackled and rubbed 
his hands together.  Yes, perhaps I'll get a promotion and finally have 
my own parking space!

     One by one, the weaker girls began to drop.  Some of them had simply 
recieved a gift of black roses, but many of them had simply given too 
much power to the forces of the Megamiverse.  Bailsite looked around the 
room, watching for those Sailor Senshi brats.  Odds were, at least one of 
these girls either was a Senshi or knew them.  That's how it always 
seemed to work out.  Even when he'd tried raiding that Angel Grove place, 
the Senshi had show up.  At least, he thought those must have been the 
Senshi.  What would be the odds of some random American town he raided 
having its own superheroes?

     As he watched, the girls soon were narrowed down to a pair of girls, 
one with green hair, the other with brown hair, arguing over how much 
sugar to put in something, a blonde bimbo who was busily chasing a wary 
crab around her table, another blonde bimbo with twin ponytails who was 
trying to peel potatoes, but kept dropping  them, an okonomiyaki chef 
with a giant spatula, a pony-tailed girl who seemed to like black food, 
a dark haired girl who was emptying entire canisters of spices into a 
stew pot, and the tallest girl without fangs Bailsite had ever seen, who 
was singing quietly to herself and pulling a cake out of her oven to go 
with the several dozen food items she'd already made.  Hmmm.  That girl 
looks likely to be the winner...although the okyonomiyaki chef looks 
pretty competent too...either of them should fill that Evil Cook slot 
that opened up at the palace...assuming Dark Queen Urd doesn't try to 
help them like the last cook...poor girl.  

     Makoto looked up from her cooking.  Why is everyone napping?  Well, 
everyone but me and a few people....This doesn't look good.  As she 
looked around, another girl passed out, a blonde with a crab pinching her 
nose.  A little man with scruffy hair in a ninja outfit stood nearby 
holding black flowers out to her.  That man...knocked her out!  He must 
be knocking everyone out...but why?  The man returned to the girl in the 
middle of the room, a dark haired girl with a pony-tail and a bucket of 
black roses.  Suddenly, Makoto realized what must be happening.  YOUMA!  
The man must be a youma...That girl must be Pyrite in disguise, she thought.

     She slipped over to Usagi's table.  "Usagi, I think that girl over 
there is really Pyrite."

     "Which girl?"  Usagi said.  "The one with the black roses?  Ohh, she 
had better not be after my Mamo-chan again!"

     "We'd better slip off and transform."

      Usagi nodded.  No way was she gonna let Pyrite steal Mamo-chan 
again for the fourth time this season!  All the bills from those 
unbrainwashings were mounting up.

     They slipped off to find a place to change, unaware Bailsite was 
watching them.

     At this moment, the Principal-Youma charged in with Pyrite in hot 
pursuit.  "PATHETIC EARTHLINGS!  PREPARE TO SACRIFICE YOUR HAIR FOR THE 
GLORY OF THE MEGAMI-VERSE!"

     The girls screamed as one, except for the green-haired girl, who 
simply blinked.  The brown haired girl with her pulled out two ornate 
prayer strips and hastily pinned one to herself, the other to the 
green-haired girl, who said, "Misaki-chan, not another good luck charm!"

     Misaki said, "Futaba-chan, do you want to have your head shaved?"

     She crossed her arms.  "I've heard about this idiot.  I can handle him."

     While they were talking, the Principal-Youma grabbed the very 
youthful blonde girl with the flower in her hair and shaved her head.  
She started screaming for someone named A-ko, who unfortunately had been 
delayed outside by five giant robot blenders sent to assassinate her.

     Bailsite yelled at Pyrite, "You idiot!  He's supposed to take their 
life energy, not their hair!"

     "He seems to have this obsession problem..."

     "That's why I didn't plan to use him at all!  He's a raving loony!"

     As they argued, the Principal-Youma charged Kodachi who lept 
skyward, leaving Sasuke to lose what little hair he had.  She landed 
behind her father and handed him a bouquet, which he slapped away.  "I'm 
not that stupid, daughter!"

     She whipped the scissors out of his hand with a ribbon, then stared 
in shock as he smiled and new scissors appeared.  "Your hair is mine, 
daughter!"

     She decided to cut her losses and retreat with hair intact, and took 
off across the room.  The Principal-Youma decided to go for Ukyou 
instead, charging her, scissors a-clipping.

     Bailsite sighed.  "When in doubt, use the blunt approach."  He 
gestured and life force started visibly draining from the panicking 
cooks.  

     Futaba blinked as almost everyone else in the room collapsed, except 
him and Misaki.  Notably, the Principal-Youma also collapsed, right as he 
was about to shave the fainting Ukyou bald.

     Pyrite frowned.  "Don't drain my youma's life force, you idiot!"

     Bailsite stared at Futaba and Misaki.  "They weren't effected...They 
must be two of the Senshi!"

     Pyrite smiled.  "Now we know what their secret identities look like!"

     Futaba turned to Misaki.  "I thought you said this was a GOOD luck 
charm."

     She laughed nervously.  "We kept our hair, right?  That's 
lucky...right?"

     At this moment, Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Moon charged out.  "I am 
the lovely soldier Sailor Moon!  Stealing the life force of young girls 
who've put their heart into their food is just not right!  In the name of 
the Moon, I'm gonna ...gonna...oh yeah.  In the name of the Moon, I'll 
PUNISH YOU!"

     "And I'm Sailor Jupiter!  I'm here to cook and kick butt, and I used 
up all my ingredients!"

     Everyone turned and stared at them.  They stared back, realizing 
they weren't sure who they were actually going to have to fight.  Usagi 
then spotted Bailsite, who was busilly draining off the life force from 
some red headed girl who had just staggered in the door with giant robot 
blender parts still tangled in her clothing.

     "AAAHHH!!!!   The megami-verse has turned Groucho Marx to the dark 
side!"  Sailor Moon shouted, staring at Bailsite.

     Bailsite blinked.  "What are you talking about?  OH wait...my disguise."
He took off the Groucho glasses.

     "What, we thought Queen Belldandy condemned you to eternal sleep 
last episode!"

     "That was Dark King Schumacher, who banished Crysite to eternal sleep."

     "Well, it happened off screen where we couldn't see it anyway."

     "Yeah, I really hate it when that sort of thing happens.  Anyway, I 
suppose it's time to kill you now."

     "That's how it usually goes,"  Sailor Moon agreed.  "How about if we 
just play backgammon instead?"

     "I really hate backgammon.  How about Hearts?"

     Futaba grabbed Misaki by the arm.  "Let's get out of here while they 
fight,"  she said to Misaki, who nodded.  They ran for the exit, only to 
have Pyrite appear in front of them in a spray of fake looking glitter.  

     "So you two senshi think you're getting away, eh?  No sneaking off 
and transforming while I'm on watch!"

     "The two senshi are over there."  Misaki pointed.

     "I'm not dumb enough to turn around!  I wasn't born yesterday!  If I 
turn around, you'll just transform and blast me!"

     "No, I mean right over there!"  She pointed again.

     Pyrite laughed with her trademark EVIL LAUGH, then suddenly her hair 
stood up on end as she got lightning shot into her.  She slowly turned 
and saw Jupiter and Moon standing about three feet from her.  Bailsite 
was nowhere in sight.  "What, you beat Bailsite already?"

     "We beat him at Jan Ken Po, so he agreed to go snuggle with Rachlyte 
instead of wasting his time fighting us.  He said we could kill you off 
this episode instead of him."

     Pyrite paled.  "Hah!"  She grabbed Futaba.  "I've got a hostage!  
One step closer and she bites the big one!"

     "I'm not biting anything..."  Futaba began.

     "I'll kill you is what I meant, kid!"

     "Oh.  Just making sure."  Futaba leaped into the air, then slammed 
Pyrite into the ground.  She blinked as she landed at Jupiter and Moon's 
feet.  Futaba, meanwhile, landed back by Misaki.  

     "Misaki, run!"  She pushed Misaki, who took off sprinting.  

     Pyrite shouted, "Great.  Another one!  Does everyone in this stupid 
town have superpowers?"

     "Hey, I just do wrestling,"  Futaba said.  Unless changing sex counts...

     "There's something special about you..."

     Jupiter and Moon stared at Futaba, who laughed nervously.  "Maybe 
she's another one of us,"  Jupiter whispered to Moon.  

     Futaba overheard that and laughed even more nervously.  "I'm just a 
wrestler.  Really."

     "Women don't normally do wrestling...." Moon said.

     While they were distracted, Pyrite cut her losses and teleported out 
in a spray of fake looking glitter.

     She sat down in her lawn chair, which had once been the vampire 
prince of Chicago, until he had irritated a local mage.  Snapping her 
fingers, a pina colada appeared and she took a deep drink.  "These Sailor 
Sprouts are gonna be the death of me, one of these days."

     A voice spoke.  THOSE DAYS HAVE COME.

     She looked around nervously.  "Hello?"

     A black robe with skeletal arms and a scythe stood nearby.  I HAVE 
COME TO TAKE YOU ON THE JOURNEY FROM WHICH THERE IS NO RETURNING.

     "But I'm not dead yet!  When did I die?"

     The sound of a checked calendar filled the room.  OOPS.  I'M FIVE 
MINUTES EARLY.

     This was not the ideal way for Pyrite to finish her day.

*****************************************************************************

<In the Dressing Rooms>

     Belldandy, Skuld, and Urd were busy putting on makeup.  Well, 
Belldandy and Urd were;  Skuld was busy putting the last touches on her 
latest machine.

     "Skuld-chan, if you don't hurry, we'll be late for our first scene."

     "This will save us a lot of time!  It's the Evillizer!"

     "The what?"  Urd asked.

     "It makes people look evil!  That way we can all look like Addams 
Family Members!  And if you reverse it, it makes people look Good!"

     "Are you sure it's safe?"

     "I'll show you!"  Skuld said and fired it at Urd.  Nothing happened.

     Skuld blinked.  "That's odd.  Maybe you already look evil."

     Urd frowned.  "Evil?  I'll show you evil!"  

     "Now, now.  Calm down, Urd,"  Belldandy said.  

     Urd and Skuld started fighting for control of the machine.  
Someone walked in and jammed a dark crystal into the machine.  It fired 
off and flooded the room with enhanced Evillizer rays.  Marlller laughed.  
"Now you'll see what evil really is!  It's not just for breakfast anymore!"

     Dark Queen Skuld, Dark Queen Urd, and Dark Queen Belldandy got up 
off the floor.  "Yes, now we will fight for evil!"

     Marller began to laugh.

     "But we still don't like you, so we'll kill you first."

     Marller stopped laughing.  "You..what?"

     Dark Queen Urd shrugged.  "We still don't like you.  Any last words?"

     "Mommy, help me!"  Marller fled this form into the body she had 
prepared for just such an emergency.  It wasn't as beautiful as her 
normal form, but she had kidnapped and prepared it earlier today for just 
such an emergency...Good thing too, as this body got blasted to dust.

*************************************************** 
<Music cue:  Anything by NIN, especially if you can't understand it 
without special sound equipment and a translator>

     Ranma returned to the high school, to find it a total ruins.  Not 
that this was unusual, so he payed the damage no mind.  Dozens of 
unconscious girls were scattered about the cooking classroom.  His heart 
sank.  He couldn't see Akane anywhere.  Please, God, don't let them have 
all eaten her cooking.  He heard moaning under him and realized  he was 
standing on the Principal.  No big deal.

     Soon, he saw Usagi, Makoto, Misaki and Futaba going around checking 
to make sure everyone was okay, ovens were turned off, pots weren't 
boiling over unattended.  He ran over to Makoto.  "Where's Akane?  What 
happened?  Who did this?"

     "It was an evil Groucho Marx and his poorly dressed henchwoman!  Oh, 
and the principal too,"  Misaki said.

     "Groucho Marx?  Isn't he dead?"

     "Akane's over there,"  Makoto said, pointing to a bunch of black 
haired girls lying asleep on the floor in one corner of the room.  "We've 
been sorting by hair color."

     Ranma blinked.  He turned and soon spotted Akane.  She looked okay, 
just sleeping.  "What happened?  What's this about Groucho Marx?"

     "Youmas, Ranchan.  Evil forces attacked this place.  They turned the 
principal into a haircut obsessed maniac and..."

     "Actually, he's always been like that."

     Now it was Makoto's turn to blink.

*************************************************** 
<In Biles Command Center>

     Biles, Kahm, and Ensign Uraki, the chief technician and emergency 
Gundam Pilot, were in the middle of a conference.  "So you think you can 
build a life size duplicate of Babylon Five for Dark Queen Skuld to have 
as her base?  Won't we go over budget?"

     "You said you wanted a grand finale.  We even cloned John Sheridan 
to be the Base Commander,"  Uraki said.  "I'm still looking for three 
hundred cheap R2D2s to accessorize and use for atmosphere."

     At this point, Makoto stormed in, with Akemi smiling evilly behind 
her.  She leaned over Biles and said, "What's this about me NOT getting 
any sex scenes with Ranchan?"

     He paled slightly, knowing she could easily rip him to shreds.  
"Well, you see this isn't a Lemon story.  I only did the last one when I 
was insane and split into a bunch of different people..."

     "Yeah, I was talking to Ucchan and she said she got to..."  Makoto 
whispered into Biles' ear.  He blushed a lot.  

     "Well, yes, but I can't...I can't allow that.  Not on screen.  I 
mean..."

     Makoto smiled and plopped down in Biles' lap.  He mega-blushed and 
Kahm stared at Makoto, trying to incinerate her with the fire from her 
eyes.  "Pretty please, John-chan?  Just one little sex scene?  I'll..."  
Makoto whispered into Biles' ear and his eyes got REALLY big.  

     Kahm stood up.  "Out of his lap!  No bribing the Producer!  Keep in 
mind that Rachel is directing this, and if she finds out about this...Not 
only will he be in the doghouse, but you won't like the turn the script 
will take..."

     "Contract says she gets her sex scenes, Kahm-chan,"  Akemi sneered.  

     Before Makoto could say anything, more youmas than you can shake a 
stick at poured into the room and grabbed Kahm and Uraki, then vanished.  
A few seconds later, they brought Uraki back.  "Sorry, we mistook him for 
someone else."  They vanished again.

     "HEY!"  Biles said.  "No one kidnaps MY muse and gets away with it!"

     Three evillized faces appeared.  "Hello, Biles.  We're taking 
control of this movie."

     Akemi screamed and dove under the table.  

     Biles blinked.  "What?  Skuld, you didn't actually use that stupid 
Evillizer thing did you?"

     "It worked perfectly!  BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" 

     "That's BWAH, not BAH, Skuld,"  Dark Queen Urd said.

     "So I don't have much practice laughing maniacally.  Sue me."

     "We have both of your muses.  You WILL film this movie to our 
liking, or we will destroy them.  ANd you.  And your gerbil.  ANd your 
cousins.  And your little Dog Toto, too!  BADKFJDK!!!!!HAHAHAHAA!!!!!"  
Dark Queen Skuld coughed.  "Okay, No more maniacal laughter for me."

     "I don't have gerbils or a dog.  I won't let you get away with this!"

     Makoto stood up.  "The Sailor Senshi will stop you!"

     "No you won't.  If we even notice any of you trying anything, we'll 
drop the hostages into a volcano!"

     Biles paled, then a thought came to him.  Ahaha!  They forgot I've 
got the North American Sailor Scouts on retainer too.  I can get them to 
go save Kahm-chan and Rachel-chan.

     "And if you think the Sailor Shouts can help you...Too late.  We 
already captured them too."

     "That's Sailor Scouts."

     "Whatever."

     "I don't believe you!"  Makoto said.  "No stupid looking people like 
you could capture even the North American versions of us that easily!"

     An image formed of a huge laundry line strung over a volcano.  Kahm, 
Rachel, Amy, Raye, Lita, Serena, Mina, Luna, Dr. Sam Beckett, Artemis, 
Number Six, Reenie, Tuxedo Mask, Ted Turner, Andrew, Rita, Melvin, Molly, 
Molly's mother, Hercules the cat, Grandpa, Chad, Sammy, Serena's Mom and Dad, 
the New Number Two, Miss Haruna, Steven King, and a little black dog were 
all tied to the sagging rope.   Serena looked around.  "Who are all 
these people, Amy?  I don't even recognize half the people here..."

     Raye rolled her eyes, "Serena, you ditz!  You wouldn't remember your 
own head if the weight of the meatballs on it didn't keep it from falling 
off!"

     Biles stared for a moment.  She didn't...He smiled.  As always, the 
forces of evil had made one tiny mistake...and he was going to put the 
nail in their coffin for it.  "Okay, you win.  So where's the new script?"

     The three evil queens blinked.  "Uhhh..."

     "Come back and take over when you have a script.  Right now, I'm 
gonna go work on what we have until you people get your evil act together."

     "We'll be watching you!  Don't try anything funny!  We do have the 
new title sequence ready."

     "What, my title isn't good enough for you?"

     Dark Queen Urd laughed.  "It sucks."

     Biles frowned darkly.

     "So we came up with a better one!"  Dark Queen Skuld activated the 
Title Sequence Replacement Device, Mark 6.4.


*************************************************** 

Lemon Sherbet!  (Dark Queen Skuld Can't Lose!)


by Dark Queens Skuld, Urd, and Belldandy

Executive Producer and Slave:  John Biles

Director:  Rippongi Akemi

Chief Technician:  Ensign Uraki

Executive Director in charge of Berserk Rages:  Miyaki Shinobu

Key Grip:  Shiratori Azusa

Best Boy:  Ranma

Best Girl:  Makoto

Chief Hacker:  Nene Romanova

Hunka-Hunka Burning Love:  Elvis

Giant Rabid Wombats supplied by Wizards of the Coast, makers of Magic:  The 
Addiction

England, 1660-1832 by Dr. Jonathon C. D. Clark

Sound by TTTTHHHXXXX!!!!!!  The Audience has stuck keys.

The Evillizer now available for home use, call 555-Evil, and for just 
19.95 you can be the most evil person you know!


*************************************************** 
<In the command center> 

     "Bleah!  That looks like something from The Undocumented Twisted Saga"  
Biles said.

     "I think it's great!"  Dark Queen Skuld said.

     "You wrote it.  Of course YOU think it's great,"  Akemi said.  "You 
always think everything you do is great, when really you're just 
incompetent."  

     Dark Queen Skuld said, "Right.  Take her to the Ice Cream Mines!"

     Akemi said, "Wait!  I can be useful to you!  You're gonna need a 
director since you strung the old one over a pit of lava..."

     Dark Queen Urd nodded.  Akemi sidled over to her and began 
whispering in her ear.  Dark Queen Urd seemed quite pleased.

     Biles sighed.  Akemi was probably going to convince Dark Queen Urd 
to turn this into another Lemon story.  But while they were distracted 
listening to her...time to take measures to save my muses, he thought.  
He concentrated so he could do the Obi-Wan maneuever.

     His previous intuition was confirmed.  He found Serena in her room 
playing the new Sailor V fighting game XIII edition that he had installed 
in her room at the new upgraded Maison Bailesu for her.  At this point, 
the audience may be wondering how Serena could be hanging over a volcano 
and playing Sailor V in her room at the same time.  

     It is a often little known fact, unless you have better hearing than 
the author of this story or access to the Sailor Moon FAQ, that there 
were TWO different voice actresses that DIC used for the voice of 
Serena.  As a result, in the one true universe of which all others are 
merely a shadow, there are TWO Serenas, physically identical, 
but with different voices.  In fact, there's really three Serenas, but 
the one who was Oberon's daughter and walked the Pattern won't be 
making an appearance in this story....maybe.  One of them only remembers the 
events of the first ten episodes, because that's all she was around 
for.  Currently, she's hanging over a volcano.  The other one...not only 
is less annoying sounding, she also got past the crybaby stage....but 
she's still a video game junkie.  

     Suddenly, the video game cut out and Biles' face appeared on the 
screen.  "Serena, three evil goddesses have taken over the studio.  
They've taken all of the Sailor Scouts hostage, and your supporting cast, 
and MY MUSES!"

     
     "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  Serena shrieked.  

     "You've got to stop them and rescue the hostages, Serena."

     "I can't fight three goddesses by myself!"

     "I know.  There's help for you.  Go to storage room #5.  Don't open 
the box marked Ark of the Covenant.  Repeat, Don't open it.  Open the box 
marked "Don't open or I'll kill you.""

     "But...You'll kill me if I open that!"

     Biles sighed.  "No, that's just to keep the idiots out of it.  It 
has the emergency supplies.  Now get the following people and take them 
with you..."  

*************************************************** 



John Walter Biles :  MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas         
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu      bailesu@komodo.hacks.arizona.edu  
http://www.hacks.arizona.edu/~bailesu/falcon.html 
"The Fortunate Isles, or the  Isles of the Blessed abound in fruit and 
birds of every kind...These islands, however, are greatly annoyed by the 
putrefying bodies of monsters, which are constantly thrown up by the sea."
--The Natural History of Pliny, first century AD.