On Thu, 24 Oct 1996 Krista Perry wrote:
: Okay everybody, here's the fist draft of Part 7 of "Hearts of
: Ice."
Yessss! <dances a little jig in the computer pool, getting
*strange* looks>
: Hearts of Ice
: Part 7: Power Play
: Nabiki padded quietly out of her room and walked down the
: hall.
Oh goodie, more Nabiki in this part. (Although, for balance, I
think you should show more of the happenings on the Kami plane
again next time.)
: She was not a morning person herself. Under normal
: circumstances, she would still be in bed cherishing every extra
: moment of unconscious bliss, curled in her downy-soft covers.
: For her to be up so early -- willingly at least -- was a rare
: thing indeed.
I love her introspection in these paragraphs. It's all too rare
that we get a look at the workings of Nabiki's mind.
: She carefully pulled the lid off to reveal Akane's most
: personal treasures within. Lifting them out, she examined each
: item in the dim light contemplatively, almost reverently.
Oooh, and now you top it off with indirect insight into Akane's
character, too. This is *so* beautiful.
: "I'll be back in a few minutes, oneechan." Nabiki smiled,
: her eyes glinting with secret devilment. "I've got a little
: errand to run."
And it's nice to see that she has lost nothing of her delight in
scheming and battle of wits.
: Ukyo wanted to scream.
:
: She didn't, of course. Cute fiancees don't scream.
Hmm. So she is shaping herself after an image that she took from
Ranma's statement, back when the got to know each other.
Interesting.
: The opportunity of a lifetime had just been dropped in her
: lap, thanks to Shampoo's disastrous trip to China. But she
: wasn't completely happy with the way this opportunity had come
: about. Even though Ranchan's turbulent roma... er,
: relationship... with Akane drove her crazy with frustration
: sometimes, she didn't wish any real harm to come to her rival.
I like! The little correction from "romance" to "relationship" was
priceless.
This paragraph shows an Ukyou I can wholeheartedly support. She
correctly classifies the event as the elimination of candidate #1
and even though she feels somewhat guilty about it, she does not
overlook the possibilities inherent in the situation.
Now, Zen's Ukyou, for example would be heartbroken both because of
Akane's fate and Ranma's suffering and she would selflessly help
Ranma to get Akane back even though it apparently destroys her
chances - only to get rewarded for her sacrifice by Ranma "coming
to his senses" and taking her for his bride. ;)
It seems that we share a conceptual Ranmaverse, since your
portrayal of the three fiancees (and Nabiki) seems to be pretty
much identical to what I always felt.
: At that moment, Nabiki burst through the front door. She
: ran down the hall and past the two astonished girls, holding a
: small cardboard box to her chest, and leaped up the stairs,
: taking two at a time. She then disappeared into her room,
: closing the door behind her.
Hmmm.
: "Exactly." The corner of Nabiki's mouth quirked in a half
: smile. "I'll bet you 2,000 yen that, left to himself, he doesn't
: wake up before noon."
Heh, it's nice to see that there are fanfic authors who can develop
a character and *still* keep them IC whith what they were before.
Nice touch.
: "No time, oneechan," she said without turning. Then she
: muttered, "The whole thing was silent, not a thing. Time for me
: to stir the pot a little and see what comes to the surface."
Hmmm, again. I wonder what she's up to. I guess I know.
: Nabiki's smile suddenly turned reptilian, and she turned to
: face Cologne.
*Great* phrase.
: Such as, if this blood spell was supposed to make him
: hate Shampoo, and it succeeded in taking my sister away and
: putting those voices in his head, *why, then, didn't the spell
: make him hate Shampoo?* Surely, for such a powerful blood spell,
: that would be the easiest thing of all to accomplish."
: Cologne gazed at Nabiki levelly. "You do not understand,
: foolish child. Allow me to explain. The *purpose* of the spell
: was to turn Ranma's heart away from Shampoo. The actual
: *mechanics* of the spell, to accomplish that purpose, involved
: the removal of your sister and the placement of the spell voices
: in Ranma's mind."
:
: Nabiki blinked. Cologne smiled, and continued, speaking
: with clear, cold reasoning. "There was nothing in the actual
: spell that would force Ranma to hate Shampoo by magically
: altering his feelings. The dragon knew that once the spell was
: cast, Shampoo would seem the most likely culprit. Ranma's anger
: -- which, I might add, *did* occur --was completely natural, and
: completely uninfluenced by any magical mind-control, which is
: just the way the dragon wanted it.
:
: "You can now see the deviousness of the dragon's plan. The
: dragon wanted to break Shampoo's spirit with the knowledge that
: Ranma hated her of his own free will, without any actual mind-
: altering influence exerted over him. So you see, the spell did,
: in fact, accomplish its purpose. Fortunately, however, Shampoo
: and I escaped the dragon -- something the beast did not count on
: -- and we returned to Japan as soon as possible with the hope
: that we could somehow undo the damage that was wrought by the
: dragon's evil."
Still not convincing. I might be biased because I *know* that they
did it, but now matter whether the spell was meant to influence
Ranma's mind directly or indirectly, it would have set up things in
such a way that a simple explanation and a few crocodile tears
should not be able to counter it's effect.
: Cologne sighed and shook her head as if patiently dealing
: with a not-so-bright child. "And how are you planning on doing
: that? With this?" She held out a small hand-held tape recorder
: that, moments ago, had been in Nabiki's jacket pocket. It was
: still recording. Nabiki blanched.
You know, the first word that shot through my head when I read this
was "decoy". I simply could not picture Nabiki attempting such a
clumsy trick *and* getting caught in it, too. Then I thought back
and remembered that she seemed to know *already* what was going on
at the Nekohanten and was dissatisfied with the results. Ergo:
She must have bugs in the place and got caught by Cologne *on
purpose*.
*Clever* Nabiki. (Ooooh, I love this.)
: "Good," said Shampoo. <Because I have a horrible feeling
: about all this. We've done too much, we've gone too far...>
:
: "Is... " Shampoo paused, swallowed. "Is there way to get
: Akane back?"
Thanks. Despite the fact that I generally consider Shampoo a
bloody nuisance, I never really pictured her as *evil*. Her
concern and regret about going to far is very welcome.
: "I'm sorry Shampoo." Cologne's voice was surprisingly
: sympathetic. "Your desire is honorable, but out of reach. Just
: be glad that you will soon have your husband by your side."
It's wonderful to see, that once in a while there is a story where
the villains are not beings of pure evil, but actual *people*, with
reasons for what they do, regrets and feelings. If I would not
already consider you to be one of the best writers around, I would
certainly do so now.
: Almost there. FF. Play.
:
: "...don't mind, we have a business to run, as well as a
: blood spell to remove."
:
: Bingo.
:
: Long pause. The sound of footsteps walking across broken
: glass. Long pause.
:
: Mousse's voice. "Wow, she was *angry.*"
Yay! I *knew* it!
: <YES! JACKPOT!!!> Nabiki threw up her fists in silent
: victory. <TOOK THE BAIT, HOOK, LINE and SINKER!! I just KNEW it
: was a good idea to bug their house before they got home from
: China!!>
Heh heh heh, This is quite cool. Does that mean she did this
between the blood spell and their arrival, or even before the spell
arrived?
: "--way to get Akane back?"
:
: Nabiki froze. Then her hand jerked up and hit the rewind
: button.
I like Nabiki's reaction to this part of the tape. It's very
touching.
: <That girl,> she thought, frowning. <How many more
: times will it take before she realizes that she's 200 years too
: early to defeat me?>
Heh heh heh, Say, Cologne, did you ever hear the expression "the
early bird catches the worm"? You worm!
: Cologne visibly took control of herself. There was a sudden
: flash of movement, and Nabiki found herself empty-handed. A
: moment later, she saw the crushed remains of her tape recorder
: falling from the old ghoul's hand.
Cologne! How could you?
: Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Oh please," she said disdainfully.
: "You actually think that I wouldn't make back-up dubs of that
: tape? At this moment, over 50 dubs have been distributed to 50
: of my... associates... all over Tokyo and the surrounding area.
: They have orders to take this straight to Ranma and play it for
: him should anything happen to me." She leaned back in the stool,
: her hands behind her head. "I may play it for him anyway. After
: all, it seems like such a waste for that 'dragon' to go through
: all the trouble of casting a spell to make Ranma hate Shampoo,
: and have it not work."
Yes, Cologne, how *could* you underestimate Nabiki this much?
Waaahahahahahaha! Yay, Nabiki!
: And she walked out the screen door, leaving Cologne stunned
: and wide-eyed.
Um, did I already say "YAY, NABIKI!" ?
: Authors Notes:
: Whew! What a rush! I don't know if this section made any sense
: to anybody else but me, but while I was writing this, I was
: dancing around my computer shouting "Yeah Nabiki!" and "In your
: FACE, Cologne!" I only hope this is as fun to read as it was to
: write.
Oh god, I *loved* it! This is the story I've been waiting for. Oh
Krista, will you marry m... Ooops, sorry, wrong ML. Wouldn't want
to seem to forward, a-heh.
: This was a tough one for me. I stared at my blank computer
: screen for a whole week and a half, and then last night the whole
: thing just jumped onto the page. I looked up at the clock on my
: office wall when I was through typing and realized it was 1:30 in
: the morning.
Been there. Lovely, warm, fuzzy feeling, innit?
: Which is what worries me. I was running on Mountain Dew and
: peanut butter M&Ms when I wrote this, so I'm a bit doubtful as to
: its coherency. Let me know what you think. Believe me, I can
: change it if it doesn't work.
I am tempted to say "don't you dare change a word" - but knowing
you, I actually believe that you would manage to make it even
better if you thought you could.
Sebastian