On Sun, 1 Sep 1996 03:14:25 -0400 (EDT) David H. Lee said:

: Now on to the story.
: A few basic points:
: 1) David Lee = Tendou Akira -- after the incident with Kunou, I use
: Akira instead to refer to him. For those who are curious, yes, I did
: use my own name :)

BEWARE!!!!!!!

You may not have been here, when it happened the last time, but I
can see a nother flame-war brewing.  The insertion of the own
person, or even a thinly disguised avatar into one's fanfiction is
frowned upon by the main part of the FFML community.  This is not,
because self-insertion is a bad idea *per se*, but because it has
been done to death, and mostly by people who were not very subtle
about it.  

Of course it is everybody's dream to be transported into the world
of one's favourite Manga (or Anime), and become an important
member of the cast - So it is easy to just live out one's fantasy,
forgetting that it is not neccessarily everyone elses idea of a
good story.  If the author's avatar beats Ranma, resolves all the
relationships, bags the Tendou girls and Ukyou and Shampoo, too
(Or Tsubasa and Konatsu, if one is thus inclined), it tends to be
pretty uninteresting for everyone except the writer.

The important thing to remember, if you want to avoid pissing of
anyone, is:  Don't make Akira the main character.  The series is
about Ranma, and that's what people want to read.  A story may
*focus* on another character (just like story arcs of the manga
deal with specific persons), but that person shouldn't replace
Ranma as the lead character.  (Otherwise, why set the story in the
Ranma universe at all?)


: 2) I've tried to add 'flavour' to the fic by using a bit of Japanese.
: If you think i've used too much, or two little, please don't hesitate
: to let me know.  About that one sentence that Kasumi says in Japanese,
: you aren't supposed to understand it either, cause the character
: doesn't. ^_^ 

Some like it, some can't stand it.  I like it, and it isn't really
neccessary to understand any of it, to get the point.


OK, Two words for you about this fanfic:  Too.  Fast.

All quibbles about self-insertion aside, the story moves *far* too
fast.  The way Dav- um, Akira was accepted into the Tendou
household faster than you could say "Otaku wish-fulfillment",
seemed awfully forced.  And in the scene at Ucchan's
Okonomiyaki-ya, where *both* Ranma and Ukyou perform a
self-analysis and become aware of their relationship problems, you
went completely over the top.  There is *no way* that these two
characters would get over years of stubborn denial within this
short time.  Unless you retcon Akira's magical transportation into
giving him mystic relationship-solving powers, this is
unbelievable.  :)

You had quite some good ideas, and even made me laugh out loud
sometimes.  So, focus on not letting the wish-fulfillment become
overwhelming and be more patient in resolving the dangling
plotlines, and you've got a pretty decent fic.  :)


Sebastian
-- 
       <http://enterprise.mathematik.uni-essen.de/~bastian/>
                         Comics reviewed 
-- 
There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of
both plants and animals.  When exposed to light they undergo
photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into
animals.  But then again, don't we all?