Credits at the end.

=======================================================================
			THE 'ICHI AND SHAMPY SHOW!!!
=======================================================================

[Open scene: We see a pretty girl in a black jump-suit chasing after
Shampoo with a mallet in a generic indoor cartoon setting.  Eventually,
the Amazon is cornered.]

Girl: How dare you try to feed that to Ranma, you B*TCH!

Shampoo: [glaring] Shampoo no b*tch!

[Girl blinks, lowers the mallet slightly and puts a finger to
her temple.]

Girl: You're right...  You're not a b*tch, just a big pussy!
[She swings at Shampoo with the mallet, but the Amazon knocks
it out of her hand with one of her bonbori.  Just as the other
is to come down on the girl's head, she reaches into N-space
and pulls out a bokken.]

*BAPBAPBAPBAPBAPBAPBAPBAPBAPBAPBAPBAPBAPBAPBAPBAPBAPBAP*

[Shampoo falls to the floor, rubbing her sore head.]

Shampoo: Kunoichi, I KILL!

[Kun-chan merely kicks her downed opponent.]

Kunoichi: Must be thirsty work...

Shampoo: [blinks] Huh?!?

Kunoichi: How about some lemonade?

[Shampoo blinks, trying to understand.]

Kunoichi: First of all, the water... [She plucks a glass
of cold water out of N-space.]

*SPLASH*

Shampoo-neko: Meow?

Kunoichi: But, where will we find the lemons? Hmm... [Rubs
her chin in thought, then snaps her fingers.  She grabs
a struggling Shampoo-neko with both hands and holds her
up to the TV camera so that her underside is exposed to the
television audience.]

Shampoo-neko: [mortified, big-sweating, turning red] Meow!

[We hear the collective panting of several femaline fanboys,
followed by the scritchety-scratchety of pencils on paper.
In seconds, the cartoon studio is flooded with several metric
tons of Grade A lemons, and Shampoo-neko is desperately trying
to claw her way to the surface from the middle of a pile of
the fruit.]

Shampoo-neko: [looking at Kunoichi with puppy-dog... er... with
KITTY-CAT eyes while she struggles up.] Meow? Meow! 

Kunoichi: [Safely on the outer perimeter of the citrus flood.]
What's that? You can't get out?

Shampoo-neko: [nods] MEOW!

Kunoichi: Oh, dear... [grins] Looks like you're in HOT WATER now!
[A huge cauldron appears out of nowhere above the middle of the
pile of lemons, tipping itself over and creating a small pond
of boiling water, with the fruit and a naked, sputtering, wet Shampoo
floating on top.]

Fanboys: [from beyond the camera] YAY! [More panting noises.]

[Shampoo is screaming and licking her burns, but the lemons rub
against them, increasing the pain. She also tries to cover herself,
but each attempt only causes her to sink into the water. Eventually,
she gives up, floats on her back, and cries.]

[Kunoichi walks to Shampoo.]
[Yes, on water.]
[Shampoo takes a look at her, and blinks.]

Kunoichi: Well, I *am* a goddess. [Smiles.]

[Shampoo grabs her jump-suit trousers and grovels.]

Shampoo: Please, please get Shampoo out!

Kunoichi: So you can kill me?

Shampoo: Shampoo no kill you now.  Shampoo see you much too powerful.

Kunoichi: Of course.  A hussy like you couldn't POSSIBLY defeat the
likes of me.

Shampoo: You right.

Kunoichi: I'm ALWAYS right. [Pause.] Even when I'm not.

Shampoo: *piku* *piku*

Kunoichi: [Pats Shampoo on the head.]  Don't bother thinking about it.
The strain would probably melt down your remaining brain cell.

Shampoo: Okay.

Kunoichi: Now, tell me.  WHY did you try to feed that passion spice to
Ranma, hmm?

Shampoo: Ranma Shampoo airen. Shampoo too, too lonely.  Want be together
someone.

Kunoichi: Lonely, hm?

[Shampoo nods.]

Kunoichi: [grinning, to the audience]  I think it's time for our guest
character...  [Motions to the mist on the side of the studio, beyond the 
hot lemon pond. Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries' begins to play, and as 
it continues in a crescendo, a large woman in Viking attire, complete
with breastplate and horned helmet, steps out of the smoke, waving it
from her face.]  Please welcome... [Drum-roll] Pat the Red! 
[Applause machine.]

Shampoo: [pointing at the newcomer] Who that?

Kunoichi: Someone who can teach you proper English. She does the Ranma
transliterations.

Shampoo: Trans... Li... Te...

Kunoichi: Dubs.

[Shampoo pales, and her heartbeat increases so that it is audible to
the home viewers.]

Shampoo: AAAAARGH! NO! NOT THAT!

Kunoichi: [Motions Pat to come to edge of pond.] That.

[As the Viking woman walks over, the whole room quakes, and the sound
of her rumbling stomach knocks down a few low-flying canaries.]

Kunoichi: [To Pat] Hungry? [Pat nods, and Kunoichi pulls a bowl of 
noodles out of nowhere.]  How about some ramen? [Pat grins widely.  
Shampoo blanches.]

Shampoo: Where nast... [Kunoichi glares at her.] Where pretty goddess 
get that?

Kunoichi: [Smirks.] It's Ranma's ramen.  The one you were going to feed 
him.

Shampoo: Aiyaa! Raunchy! [Begins to tremble, tries to grab the bowl, but
to do so lets go of Kunoichi's jump-suit and sinks deep into the hot
lemons.]

[Shampoo screams as she sees Kunoichi give the bowl to Pat, then 
teleport out of the room with a flash of light and a few blasts from a 
trumpet while an angelic choir sings hosannas.]

[Pat finishes the noodles off in a single gulp, then looks at Shampoo.]
[Shampoo looks at Pat.]
[Pat grins.]
[Shampoo gulps.]
[The Viking woman cannonballs into the provisional hot tub then swims 
towards Shampoo.]

Shampoo: That no woman! That sperm whale! [Tries to swim away, but Pat
grabs her ankles.]

[The camera pans to the left as Shampoo screams in horror.  For the
next few minutes, all one can hear are assorted yelps and hentai noises,
then... Silence.]

[The camera pans back to the right, and we see a huffing, puffing 
Shampoo holding onto the floating corpse of Pat the Red as to
a lifesaver.  One of the horns from the helmet is stabbed deeply
into the cadaver's chest.]

[Kunoichi blinks into existence and waves off her attending angels.]

Kunoichi: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwww.... I was hoping she'd stay longer.

Shampoo: Shampoo no like crazy Viking woman! In Amazon village, we 
charge bigtime for what SHE want, and she no want pay!

Kunoichi: Oh?

Shampoo: [Nods, points at the horned helmet.] Horny woman get what she 
deserve.  <Author's note: By horny, I meant the HELMET, of course. ;)>
People who mess with woman's heart go very bad place!

Kunoichi: I'm not a sore winner... I'll tell you what, Shampoo. [Pulls
a small package from a hidden pocket.] Here's an anatomically correct
blow-up Ranma doll.  It's all for you.

Shampoo: [Puts on Ryo-ohki eyes, which water as she looks up at the
gracious goddess.]  Mean it?

Kunoichi: Of course. [Smiles, hands package to Shampoo.  The Amazon
tears open the wrapper and squeals in delight as she unfolds the latex
figure.]  Go on; try it out. [Shampoo puffs into the doll.]

*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*

[The blow-up doll works perfectly. It blows up, and bits of green lemon
and red Shampoo splatter the camera.]

Kunoichi: That's what you get for trying to blow-

	"BAKABAKABAKABAKABAKABAKABAKABAKA!"
	"Huh?" Carol Seewrong opened her eyes and blinked at the 
Akane-clock on her monitor.  Glancing at her watch to make sure of
the time, she clicked the application into silence.  "Lab closes
in half an hour... I'd better get back to work on the page..."
She laid back in her chair as Netscrape loaded up, and smiled. The dream 
had been... Pleasant.  Maybe she could find a way to work it into one
of her stories...  
	'Document: Done' appeared at the bottom of the window, and
she scrolled through the page.  Yes... This needed quite a bit of
updating...  Thanks to a recent grant by some crazy Asian millionaire,
though, Mycinder's computers were top-notch... She wouldn't have
to type a thing.
	"Computer," she told the voice-activated file manager, "open
church.ryouga.html"
	'WORKING...'


[Somewhere...]

	Ukyou stabbed her spatula into the ground and looked around.
	Not that she could see much, of course.  It was dark, it
was cold, the wind was blowing dust into her eyes, and that JACKASS
Ryouga had gotten them lost again.
	"Ryouga, this does NOT look like Washington."
	The eternal lost boy squinted at a map, trying to make out
directions by the light of the full moon.
	"But... But this says that the anime studio should be right
over THERE!"
	"Where?"
	"THERE!" He pointed his umbrella to the east.
	All Ukyou saw were the outlines of more of the same rocks, small 
bushes and oversize bonsai trees, not to ment-
	<Wait a minute...> Were those lights?  It sure as shootin'
wasn't the capital of the US, but someone there should be able to tell 
them where they were, and point them in the right direction...
	"C'mon, hon.  It isn't DC, but it's better than nothin'."
	Silence.
	"Ryouga?"
	A grunt from somewhere near her... 
	Ukyou spun, and, by the faint light of the moon and stars,
saw her partner some feet away.  He was in an... Odd position.
	"Ryouga, WHY do you have a bear on top of you?"
	The Hibiki poked his head out from beneath the animal.
	"I... I don't know... I was under that tree, when he just...
Dropped on me."
	Ukyou blinked.
	<Okaaaay...>
	"That's nice, but we don't have time to waste.  I want to find a 
way home as soon as possible." She shuddered. That was quite the 
understatement.  She'd rather have Kodachi as a house-mate than spend
another week with those... With those... Otaku...  Taking only a
second to whip her combat spatula out of the ground and send the drop
bear into low earth orbit, she picked Ryouga up, dusted him off (her
kitchen instincts wouldn't allow her to let him stay dirty) and
started him in the right direction.
	"Th... Thanks."
	"Don't mention it, sugar."
	
	A kangaroo opened its drowsy eyes and looked at the two 
departing figures. <Bloody foreigners,> it thought, then sunk back 
into sleep.

=======================================================================

Stay tuned for the rest of THE GREAT ANIME CROSSOVER FROM HELL!!!
EPISODE VII: "Such is life in the tropics", or "Sailor vie..."
=======================================================================
Created by Erin Mills and Christopher Willmore
This episode written by Christopher Willmore 4cw6@qlink.queensu.ca
					     willmore@mail.idt.net
Shampoo, Ukyou and Ryouga were created by Rumiko Takahashi.
Kunoichi had a different mother.

Many thanks to Skuld@GamesMUX for providing many of the jokes in the
initial segment.

=======================================================================
Due to copyright laws, the author cannot accept money, but C&C, 
especially if it's detailed, on his recently-posted story called
'VISION' will work admirably as a bribe to get him to put the rest of
this out faster. :P
=======================================================================
Interfector beluam Ecclesia Ryougis.
Custos tabula nomina Franka Ecclesia Azusis.
C.A.S.K.E.T. | http://qlink.queensu.ca/~4cw6
4cw6@qlink.queensu.ca  willmore@mail.idt.net