Greg Sandborn wrote:

                        The Night
                    by Greg Sandborn

O.K. Overall, a lovely, touching story. I feel there are spots that 
don't work but I'm sure you can fix them with no probs. If you agree 
that they 'are' rough.

One thing I did notice a lot of, (and I do it too) is I think that in 
dialouge that if the sentence ends with what would be a period, then 
person said, whatever, it's a comma?

Like here:  "I'm too little." she looked at the table pouting.
Should be:  "I'm too little," she looked at the table pouting.

 Jeez, I'm not sure, I just get called on it all the time. Would one of 
you English major type people clarify that for us?

Some C&C follows to do with as you please. Keep it, chuck it. Hope it 
helps and doesn't hinder. (and one thing, if any of you choose to C&C my 
C&C, send it to the whole list, O.K.?)

Windlily

(dragoncritter@theCelestialTemple.com)


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     "What is it, Kasumi?" Nabiki's voice came from somewhere upstairs.  "I'm
trying to do my homework."
     "Meeting!  NOW!"
     Wiping her hands on the little apron she wore, Kasumi stomped back into the
main room.  Kasumi was always calling little  meetings'.  Ever since their mother
had gone into the hospital, she had acted like *she* was in charge.  Like *she* was
mother.  Neither of the other two girls really liked this too much but since they were
unwilling or unable to assume their mother's duties around the house, the job fell to
Kasumi.  With it went the authority to call family meetings.  Something Nabiki
thought she used entirely too freely.

O.K. Maybe have Nabiki stick her head out of her doorway and see Kasmui, 
or something like that. The shift out of 3rd person in the third 
sentence to first person in the following is confusing.

     Little Akane, cautiously

Loose the comma

     With a sigh, she took her little sister's hand and led her downstairs  and
assumed their usual places around the table that seemed to dwarf them.

Break this sentence up. Maybe: ...her downstairs. They assumed...

 Kasumi just
stood across from them, arms crossed, tapping her foot impatiently.

maybe: arms crossed and tapping...

Kasumi had tried to get her to give up carrying that thing around with her, knowing
what the kids at school were saying and all, but, so far, Akane had successfully
resisted her efforts.

Maybe a bit more at the start of this thought? 
Kasumi eyed her sister and that stuffed toy with disgust. She had 
tried...

Frankly, Kasumi was getting tired having to repeatedly
tell a 6 year old that her mother wasn't coming home just yet.

maybe: ...was getting tired of having to...

     "Kasumi, we've got homework to do.  Sensi-Inoue said I needed more study if
I wanted to get into junior high school."

Nit-picky but it should be Inoue-sensei (though I have no idea if the 
'sensei' is capped.

"I've got homework to do too, you know.  In addition to cooking, cleaning, doing
your laundry, *and*

loose the coma, I think.

     Nabiki just wrinkled her nose at the term  woman's work'.

'woman's...missing the first '

     "What I have here is a list of things that need to be done around here.

That double use of 'here' is a bit strained.

Kasumi was using something she had learned in school called  psychology'.

'psychology'...again, missing the first '

 Making
Akane feel grown up and important, she felt sure she could get her to perform the few
tasks she had laid out for her.

Maybe: If she could make Akane feel grown up...

     "Daughter," Soun looked at Kasumi with tired eyes. His lack of sleep clearly
showing on his face.

Is this a tense prob? Reads better: ...of sleep showed clearly...

     Kasumi glared at Akane who just return a  I told you so' smile, her arms
around her father's neck.

just returned a 'I told...

     "Don't worry, daughter." Soun said softly, sensing her frustration.  "I will
clean the toilet."

that was a nice bit!

     When he returned.  The look on the doctor's face told all present that it
wasn't the kind of visit he liked to make.  Kasumi bit had on her lip to keep from
breaking into tears.

This needs a bit of work. 

     Excusing themselves, Kasumi could see the relieved look on the doctor's
face.

Huum...maybe: As they excused themselves, Kasumi...

What ever he was here to tell Soun,

Is that 'Whatever' one word? And...was here to tell thier father? (since 
it's Kasmumi making the observation)

     "I'm not stupid!" Akane pouted again.  Only to be shushed by Kasumi.

I think you need to join these two sentences together.

Kasumi settled back to enjoy the soaking, watching
Akane play with her toys and Nabiki trying to tease her.

...to enjoy the soak and watched...
the tense feels funny in this whole sentence.

     It was a simple, childrens' song.  Nothing special.  Almost repetitive in its
words but beautiful when song by a mother...or her children.  In minutes the girls
singing was heard all over the neighborhood.

huum...that's pretty loud...especially with the next sentence...

     It was just loud enough to cover the sobs of a husband grieving for his
departed wife.

Nice bit, though. I actually went, 'ooosh'.

He had made all the arrangements for his wife's funeral and viewed her body once
more before it was sealed up for cremation.

Maybe: ...and had gone to view her...

 Throughout it all, she remained

had remained?

     He knew of the torment she had gone through the last few weeks and how she
remained cheerful throughout it all, always asking about the girls and how they were
doing in school.  She knew she was dying but refused to give in to the sadness.  In the
end, she waited until she was alone to die, not wanting to inflict such a scene on
anyone.  When she was sure the girls were alright and her husband was busy with the
dojo, she quietly slipped away, leaving the pain and her family behind.

You might want to put this more into Soun's thoughts? I'm having a hard 
time figuring out how to put it...you seem to dip into Mom's pov. Maybe 
keep it all Souns.

Emerging several minutes later, her mask safely in place, to resume
her duties in the kitchen.

Then she would emerge several...

She scurried through the gate and
remembered the place where she and her friends used to hide when they didn't want
to be found;

Maybe swap these two things around. Remember then out?

Quickly removing it, she crawled inside,
badly soiling her best kimono in the process.

Tense feels wrong here.
Mabye: She removed it quickly and crawled inside...

     Mrs. Suzuki, no stranger to mourning herself having buried her husband only
two years before, was preparing to go to the Tendo's and pay her respects when she
heard a child crying through the floor of her bedroom.

Break this sentence up.

She was so much like Mrs. Suzuki when she was younger;

She reminded Mrs. Suzuki of herself when she was younger (?)

     Mrs. Suzuki slowly made her way to where Nabiki had removed the board
and hesitated.  <A child needs to grieve for a departed mother.  She just needs some
time alone.> she thought as she pulled back.

I think that removing that last...she thought...back...would make this a 
stronger image.

     Under the house, Nabiki was sobbing uncontrollably.  Muttering how much
she wanted her mother to come home, to return and help her grow up.  She alternated
between words of hate for her mother for leaving her like this and whimpering
pleadings for her mother to return.  Pounding the dirt with her fist, she cried how
unfair it was and how much it hurt.  Again and again, she hit the dirt until her hands
were raw.  It didn't change a thing.  Her mother was still dead.
     Outside, Mrs. Suzuki heard it all and fought back her own tears as she felt
every whimper stab at her own heart.  Desperately, she wanted to crawl in with
Nabiki and comfort the sobbing girl.  But she knew this was Nabiki's way.  It was the
way she would have grieved herself if it were her mother.  As the sky opened and
shed its own tears,  Mrs. Suzuki kept to her post, getting drenched in the process.  No
matter how long it took, she would be there when Nabiki emerged.  She would need
someone to lean on to go home and Mrs. Suzuki was determined to be that person.

This section doesn't work, IMHO. Maybe tell it all from Mrs. Sazuki's 
pov?

     Akane had disappeared early in the evening.

huum...this just doesn't feel right, but I don't know what to offer to 
fix it.
Maybe keeping it in the theme you started with Nabiki? Like: Akane had 
fled earlier in the evening.

 She, alone, reacted to her
mother's death with immediate anger; first directed at the doctors and later at the
disease itself.  At age 6, she had no concepts of disease but knew it was something
that took her mother away so was to be hated and fought.

nice section!

She was always impressed how they looked

impressed by how...(?)

     Tonight, she wandered into the dojo alone.  If disease was to be fought, she
would do it to rescue her mother.

...she would learn to fight and rescue her mother. (?)

Screaming her mantra, she punched and
kicked until she collapsed on the floor, exhausted and crying.

What is her mantra?

She would be found hours later by her father, still trying to kill the disease with
her blows and banish the sectors that would haunt her for the rest of her life.

Maybe: She was found hours...and banish the spectors (?)

and precious ledger books were still on the shelf.

...and her precious...

     <I've got to stop eating pizza before going to bed.> she thought. <Good grief!
I'm covered with sweat.> She felt the dampness of her covers and disgustedly
climbed out of her bed.  Noticing it was only 4:30 in the morning, she started to
return to bed. <Wait a minute.> she hesitated. <It's Sunday morning.  No school.
Might as well take a bath and get rid of all this sweat.  At least I'll have it all to
myself.>

I don't understand Nabiki's logic here. Sorry.

     Quietly, Nabiki crept down to the bath.  Inside, she shed her sweat soaked
nightshirt, grabbed a small towel, and entered the bath.  The storm was clearing and
the lights of the city cast a gentle light in the room.

Double use of light here doesn't flow.

<I'll just leave the lights off. And
soak in peace.> she mused closing the door.

She mused as she closed the door. (?)

     "Akane no baka." Nabiki squealed.  "Shut off that damn light."

squealed? Nabiki? um...if you think she would...

     "You tell  em, stinky." Nabiki chided.  "You want your little duckies?"
     "I am *not* stinky!" Akane hissed back.

You might want to explain that bit of by-play. Sounds like something 
from childhood?

     Softly, almost like she wasn't trying to be heard, Nabiki started humming the
song the girls sang that night.  The song their mother always sang to them in the bath.
     Kasumi's beautiful voice softly added the words with Akane joining in.
Slowly the volume of the song grew, the girls holding hands in the warm water.
Somehow, they had all made it through that night.  Perhaps, Kasumi and their
mother's song was the reason.  What ever the case, the three now sang as one, their
voices carrying out the window, across the walled compound and out into the street
beyond.
     Somewhere a mother smiled.

*clap, clap*
Very, very nice.