Brian Ogawa Wrote:

As promised, comments.

    "Ranma, You get back here!  "My cooking isn't that bad!"  Akane's
voice rang out through the house.  They were up to it again.  At
first, I thought it was cute, a young couple loving to hate each
other.  Now it was annoying.  Every time they fought, I wound up with
more work to do.

I like this paragraph.

Zen did too.  Very much in character, at least for Ranma and Akane (Zen
cannot say *too* much yet about Samuel)

    "Come back here, Dammit!  "I haven't finished beating on you yet!"
Ranma-chan's voice carried rather well, and I could hear her swearing
nearly a mile away.  I didn't know where I was going, I just knew that
I needed to calm down and find some hot water.

While this fight scene was good for not being too overpowered
(e.g. Ranma is winning), it also bugs me.  "Meddling newcomer
character gets sick of Ranma" is ok, but I think my subconscious is
asking "if Ranma's that annoying, why did you write a 'fic about him?"
Dunno--it's a gut reaction here.

The first line of the paragraph, "Come back here, Dammit!  "I haven't
finished beating on you yet!" is AB-SO-LUTE-LY in character. Nice touch.
For the rest, Zen is of mixed feelings.

First, Zen assumes that Slashtooth is setting up some kind of long term
plot element here - at least he hopes so.  Otherwise, the scene does jar;
Samuel seems to have a little too much attitude.

To clarify that a little, It seems to Zen that Samuel is at once a very
*patient* man (one would have to be, after spending time as a wolf, or
training in Joketsuzoku for three years) and a very *impatient* man - Hmmm.
Okay.  For someone to carry the attitude that Samuel does, he really
doesn't have the skills... he comes across as awfully holier than thou, and
Zen suspects he'd be getting his clock cleaned on a regular basis.
Likewise, he seems to lose patience with Akane and particularly Ranma for
juvenile behaviour, and then fall right into the same hole himself - the
fight above, while wonderfully written, is a good example.  Samuel's object
was to teach Ranma a lesson (Which Zen agrees Ranma DOES need) though Zen
fails to see how encouraging Ranma to beat the snot out of him will achieve
that objective.  Samuel *knows* that he's outclassed; he should have picked
a challenge that was more suited to the lesson that he was trying to teach,
rather than fighting on Ranma's terms, as it were.

Sorry for rambling... Zen is not sure exactly how else to put it.

    There, that restraunt.  I had heard Ranma mention Utchan's, run by
one of Ranma's fiancees.  How that boy got four Fiancees, I will never
know.  He seems to attract trouble like, well, using an american
metaphor, like flies to dung.

Last sentence seems too wordy.

Zen disagrees here - not too wordy, per se, but perhaps is an inappropriate
metaphor - Scattological metaphors ofttimes carry highly perjorative
connotations... errr.... Gomen.  The implied comparison between Ranma and
excrement, and his fiancees and flies is jarring.

    She spun again, throwing several of the small spatulas at me.  I
had to dodge to the left, else get struck by the small projectiles.
Fortunatly, one of them hit the pot, spraying the hot water all over,
drenching me, the food she was cooking, and her.  I dove over to the
stove, hiding myself from the customers, and frantically reached into
the belt scatchel I always carry for the clothes.  Pulling them on, I
looked up to see a very angry woman staring down at me.

Hm... Samuel seems to have more foresight than the rest of the Ranma
cast... I think this bugs me for the same reason as above--too much
sanity on Samuel's part == shows up the insanity of the Ranma cast.

That might be it... but Zen thinks rather that Samuel *likes* being a wolf,
and travelling, and will prepare better for it.  Genma just doesn't go
anywhere anymore, and P-chan and Shampoo-neko are both too small to
effectively carry spare clothes and the like, unless they have collard made
by Dragonball's Capsule Corporation.  Not so much foresight as the ability
to learn from experience.

    "Ranchan... Ah!  You must be Ukyuo.  "I got in a fight with Ranma,

Minor stuff: I think it should be Ukyou, and I think there shouldn't
be another opening quote before the I in the second sentence, since
the first quote didn't close.

Good call on the quote.
Zen thinks that "Ukyuo" was a typo.  It is Ukyou.

    I had just started eating when a disgusted looking Ranma-chan
walked in the door.  "Hi Ukchan, hows things going?"  She started to
sit in a booth, when she saw me.  "You!  I haven't finished with you!"
Ranma-chan yelled, and she lept at me, only to be intercepted by

It's good that Ranma's still steamed.

Yes, this scene was WELL done.  Very much in character both for Ranma and Ukyou.

    "Thanks Ukchan!  "You just saved my life!"  Ranma began to tear

Err... how did Ukyou save Ranma's life?  Also, I seem to remember seeing a
different spelling (Utchan?) elsewhere--you may want to standardize on
spellings for all names and such.

Maybe this should be "Thanks Ukchan!  You're a lifesaver!" ?

Zen agrees here...  It is a lot clearer this way.

On the Romanization of Utchan....

In the Manga, Ukyou's nickname, and the name of her shop are spelled with
the kana:

(U) (tsu) (Chi)(ya) (N)

Of course, the (Chi)(ya) (N) becomes -chan.

The (tsu) is often used to double either the vowel BEFORE it (U), or the
consonant AFTER it (Chi) which makes the two best choices either Uuchan, or
Ucchan.  The latter (consonant doubling) is more common, and the
pronunciation involves a glottal stop between the syllables, so the
preferred version that Zen has seen is the UCCHAN one.

The Utchan and Ukchan variants seem to come from people who *hear* it
rather than read it - that damned glottal stop really can play hell with
the way one hears a consonant.

    Ranma looked at Ukyou and me, seeing a small look of suprise on
Ukyou's face at my offer.  It seemed that nobody ever offered to clean
up their messes before.  Grabbing a mop from the back, I began to get
the water off of the floor.

Again, Samuel seems to be out of step with the rest of the Ranmaverse,
and I think I'm finding it a little jarring.

Zen still sees it as a reflection of Samuels Attitude - "See how much
better behaved Samuel can Be" - though he still descends to the "beat your
brains out" school of reasoning - Zen finds it jarring, because it is
inconsistent.

The problem is not that Samuel would not behave this way, it is more the
narrative attitude that comes across...  The easy assumption that Ranma
never helps Ucchan, or anyone else, and that no one else seems to have any
manners - What makes it grate is that "A TRUE gentleman doesn't brag..."
even to himself.

    "Leave it to that tomboy to mess up a perfectly good fight.  "She
is right though, you have done a good job fixing the dojo.  "I will
let it go this time, but remember, I will not forget this."  Ranma
hurried after Akane, and I could see a glimmer of hope in his eye,
probably hoping that Akane would listen to him for once, instead of
just bashing him with a mallet.

I dunno... is it just the fanfiction I've been reading recently, or is
Ranma really not the vindictive and waiting sort?  Wouldn't he be more
likely to settle his disagreements immediately, instead of stewing?
Someone else will have to comment, I don't know enough.

Zen tends to agree... Ranma is pretty straightforward, which, in Zen's
opinion, is why the big lug keeps falling for all of Shampoos traps,
Kodachi's plots, and Nabiki's schemes.  He is a great *tactician* but not
so good at *strategy*  However, Zen also feels that if one were to offend
his sense of honour, he certainly *would* remember it.



Bryan beat Zen to most of his comments on this piece... but there are a few
more things that Zen would like to point out...

Number one, the character of Samuel is a very interesting one, and Zen sees
lots of potential.  The idea that he became a wolf, and thought that he
would be one forever gives the character a unique perspective that Zen
quite likes.  Without the guide, the Hot/Cold water trigger would be
*awfully* difficult to discover on your own.  This was exceptionally well
handled.

Two; Samuels Mate, Myu, was also a very nice touch.  Her reactions to
Samuels becoming human, and her own dip at Jyusenkyou, were well handled -
Zen particularly like the "Wolves mate for Life" bit.  Myu sniffing the
Panda was also a nice touch - the nose knows!

Zen's principal complaint comes in the inconsistency of Samuel's character,
as stated above...  Zen sees what seems to him like a Kwai Chang Cain
wannabe... which is not necessarily a bad thing (Ranma could certainly
benefit from a few months with ol' Kwai Chang... (Zen loved that show)) -
but Zen feels that he is also too easily goaded, and impatient.

Patience is the last great discipline that Ranma really has to learn.
Everything else will follow.  Considering Ranma's age, that makes sense -
with Samuel, however, one expects more maturity.

Other than that, all Zen has to say at this point is that the story is well
written - the characters are pretty well handled most of the time, and the
dialogue is very well handled.  Keep writing it.

Zen-