I was going through some VERY old stuff on my account.  Stuff so old I'd
actually stored and compressed it instead of keeping it in my very large
mailbox.  ;)  I think this was from a couple of years ago.  Anyway,
enjoy...

-----

 JP> Star Trek shows a very American utopian future.  Everyone speaks
 JP> English... :-)

 NK> even the Klingons, the Romulans, the Ferengi and The Borg.

And he may yet regret it.
----------

Picard:  Attention, Captain of Klingon vessel!
Klingon: Who, me?
Picard:  Yes, *you*.  Explain your presence in this system.  Is there any
         reason why I should not tow you back to the nearest starbase?

Klingon:  [sings]

         Dear kindly Captain Picard,
         You gotta understand --
         We grow up on unspeakar-
         Ble tales of Kahless' Hand.
         Our Moms throw heavy objects,
         Our Dads throw heavy blows.

Klingons:  And we all get rust-stains from our clothes!

         Gee, Captain Picard, we are very upset;
         It's bad to grow up with a lobster on yer forehead.
         We ain't homicidal, we're misunderstood.
         Deep down inside us there is good!

Klingon: There is good!

Klingons:  There is good, there is good,
         There is untapped good.
         Like inside, the worst of us is good.

Picard:  That's a pretty pathetic explanation.

Klingon: Ain't it though?  You should hear the Romulans.  [jerks a thumb
         off-screen]

Worf:    Sir!  Romulan warbird de-cloaking off the port bow!

         [Red lights, divers alarums, shields raised.  Romulan commander
         appears on screen.]

Romulan: My dear Picard, you wanna
         Hear tales that really reek?
         We used to all have honor,
         But now we lie and sneak.
         We all grow up dishonest,
         With intrigue all around --
         Our home planet's name keeps switchin' round!

         Yeah, Captain Picard, you are really unkind,
         We Rihannsu are compulsively dishonest, you'll find.
         We can't help we're raised to be twisty and curved --
         We're psychologically disturbed!
         We're disturbed!

Romulans:  We're disturbed, we're disturbed,
         We're the most disturbed.
         Us Romulans are mentally disturbed.

Picard:  "Romulans"?  But your commander just called you -- I'm SURE I
         heard him say "Rihannsu"?

Romulan: But did you hear *correctly*?  Am *I* twisted, or are your ears?

Picard:  Well, granted, my hearing's not as good as, say, a Ferengi's,
         but --

Ferengi: [appearing on screen]
         You rang?

         My Dad does speculation,
         My brother's into stock;
         They pawned all my relations
         To get Mom out of hock.
         They sold me to a circus,
         Said "Dumbo" was my name,
         Big-ear Trauma, they're the ones to blame!

         Yes, Captain Picard, we are tired of the role;
         If it isn't the ears, you're calling all of us "trolls"!
         We must have your women, it's not that we're sick,
         Just that we all are socially thick!
         We are thick!

Ferengi chorus:  We are thick, we are thick,
         We are thick thick thick,
         Like we all are socially real thick!

Picard:  So it's not that you need your ears shrunk, just that you need
         your skulls thinned down?  I'm sure that our medical staff could
         arrange something appropriate.

Ferengi: Ooh, the red-headed female hu-man?  I bet SHE treats diseases...

Data: Sir, another vessel is approaching.  Very large... configuration...
         cubical.

Picard:  Oh, *merde*.

British peers: <Tzing-BOOM!>  [teleporting in]

                              That word is French!  [vanishing again]

Borg appears on screen:
         You used to be Locutus
         But then you got away
         We ask that you not shoot us
         Until we've had our say
         You parsed our Prime Directive,
         To "Go ASSIMILATE!":
         'It makes an ASS of 'IM, and makes MI LATE!'

         Gee, Captain Picard, you are really a pain,
         And if that didn't give us enough strain on the brain --
         Our internal com-net is coming unglued,
         It keeps on repeating "I am Hugh!"
         "I am Hugh!"

Borg chorus:  WE ARE HUGH!  WE ARE HUGH!
         WE ARE ALL NAMED 'HUGH'!
         IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT THAT WE ARE HUGH!

Klingons: The trouble is we're bullied.
Romulans: The trouble is we cheat.
Ferengi:  The trouble is we're ugly.
Borg:     WE ALL THINK HUGH IS NEAT!

Data:     Why are they all singing?!
Worf:     Their trouble is, they're STRANGE!

All:      Captain, can't you help us make a change?
          Gee, Captain Picard, we are down on our knees,
          No one believes in villains with behaviour like these!
          Gee, Captain Jean-Luc, what on Earth can we do?
          Oh, Captain Picard --

Picard:   STOP IT, Q!

Damon Casale, .sigless again.
scyth@andrew.cmu.edu