Aa! Megami-sensei! by Peter Ward Episode 12: Matchmaker, Matchmaker The bell rang as Urd stood up in front of her last class of the day. As one of the lab teams handed their assignment to her in the typical last-minute fashion, she called out, "Okay, everyone, don't forget to read chapter four of your alchemy manuals for the weekend, as well as reviewing your compound charts. Class dismissed!" Urd stepped out of the class while the students gave a universal moan in dismay. As much as she sympathized with her students, she had other matters to attend to today. Minutes later, she reached the teachers' lounge, where her apprentice Jun, carrying Joe, was waiting. "Hiya kid!" Urd greeted Jun. "Classes went well for you today?" "For the most part, yeah." Jun replied as she stepped into the lounge with Urd, preparing for another teleport home to the temple. "Good. Listen, I won't be going home right away, so I'll just 'port you on ahead. Don't forget to go through the drills I gave you this week, and tell Belldandy that I might not be home in time for dinner since I've got some people to meet today. Got all that?" "Gotcha!" Jun said as she hefted her heavier-than-usual bookbag in preparation for the teleport. "Hey, what's with the bag? Looks like it got stuffed to the gills!" "Um, well, you know that costume you came up with for me last weekend..." "Oh? You mean that it got the boys' attention and all that bulk is love notes?" Urd asked, in reference to the skimpy costume that she put Jun in for the talent show the previous weekend. "Well, these are the better ones...most of them are still in my locker waiting to be cleaned out..." "Oooo...a bigger success than I thought it would be! I love it when a plan comes together!" Urd exclaimed as she started up the spell to send Jun home. Before Jun could reply, the spell took effect and she found herself at the temple again. "Damn, I hate it when she does that..." Jun muttered as she headed off for her room. A couple minutes later, back at the teachers' lounge, there was a knock at the door which Urd answered. She opened the door to let Suzie Cabbit into the room and showed her to one of the tables. "So, what is it that you wanted, sensei?" Suzie asked as she sat down. "Well, I was wondering how things were going between you and Saotome Ranma..." "Wha..wha...what?!" Suzie stammered. "Whatever gave you the idea that Ranma and I were an item?" "From what I understand, you've been known to hang around the Tendo dojo from time to time, and that's where Ranma lives...." Urd said with a glint in her eye. "Hey, that's because my friend Nabiki lives, and where Buffy's been training. That's all!" Suzie exclaimed. "I'm only friends with Ranma, if you can call it that with his phobia of cats..." "I see. I guess that phobia makes it tough on you." "Well, part of the reason why I'm hanging out there is that it's part of Nabiki's plan to get Ranma used to folks like me. It's also pretty fun to watch him squirm, I gotta admit." Urd laughed, then continued, "And you don't have any feelings for Ranma, huh?" "Well, his cat phobia aside, he is pretty cute for a human, but he's a bit of a jerk. Besides, he's already engaged to Akane, so I'm not going to mess with that." "Not to mention his being engaged to Shampoo and Ukyo..." Urd muttered. "I knew about the 'engagement' to Shampoo, if you can call it that, but Ukyo? I know that she's one of his classmates and best friends, but another fiancee? Geez, that guy gets around..." "And I don't know what to make of Kuno's sister chasing after him." Urd said in disgust. "That psycho? I'm sure Ranma doesn't have any feelings for her other than fear and loathing." "That's good. I don't think this plane will take any more growth in that particular family tree. What about Buffy? Is she after Ranma as well?" "Naaa....she and Ranma are just good friends and fellow martial artists, that's all. In fact, I think they enjoy irritating the hell out of each other since she's an amazon and he's, well, he's a product of this culture, let's just say." "True. I guess those two get along really well...not." "Actually, they're good friends. She and I know about his engagement to Akane and respect it. The girl Ranma really doesn't get along with most of the time is Akane, of all people. Then again, I did say that he is a jerk." "Yeah, I saw that at the talent show." Urd laughed as she remem- bered Akane sending Ranma into the lower stratosphere that night. "At least she can keep him in line. Anyway, you can go and enjoy the weekend. Just don't forget your assignment." "Yes, sensei!" Suzie replied as she stepped out of the lounge and over to where Nabiki and Buffy were waiting down the hall and around the corner. "So what was that all about?" Nabiki asked. "Yeah. If we don't get going, I'll be late for my training session!" Buffy added. "To be honest, I'm not sure. I thought I was in trouble about something, but all Urd-sensei did was ask all sorts of questions about Ranma's relationships." "Really?" Nabiki asked with an arched eyebrow. "From what the Info Babes told me, she has this reputation for meddling in other people's affairs at NIT." "Oh? You don't think she's going to meddle in Ranma's affairs, do you?" Suzie asked. "I'd say the odds of that are very good." Nabiki answered. "It'll be amusing to see what she does. Let's follow her." "But what about my training session?" Buffy asked. "Don't worry about it. Missing one session won't hurt you one bit." Nabiki reassured the alien amazon. "However, we do have the opportunity to watch our sensei in action. What do you say?" "I'm in!" Suzie answered. "Same here." Buffy said grudgingly. "Okay, let me get some stuff out of my locker and we'll get going. Suzie, keep an eye on the teachers' lounge and let us know when Urd-sensei goes on the move..." "She's already on the move, Nabiki!" Suzie whispered. "She's heading this way!" "Damn! No time to get the stuff. Act normal!" Nabiki whispered as the three straightened out and acted as if they were just hanging out. "Hi guys!" Urd said as she passed the three girls by. "How come you're still here and not getting out of this place for the weekend?" "Ohhh....just trying to decide where to go, that's all." Nabiki replied. "Well, have a good weekend!" Urd said as she walked away. As soon as she was out of sight, all three let out a sigh. "That was close." Nabiki said. "I don't think she clued in on us tailing her today." "That's unusual, since she seems to have mind-reading powers." Buffy countered. "True." Nabiki considered for a moment. "Whether or not she read our minds doesn't matter at the moment, though. You two follow her. I'll catch up as soon as I get the equipment out of my locker." "What equipment?" Suzie asked as Buffy went on ahead. "You'll see." Nabiki replied. "Just a little something I bor- rowed from Michiko and Kiddy a while back for just such an occasion." "Can't wait to see it!" Suzie said as she ran to catch up with Buffy. None of the three noticed a tiny figure hiding around the corner from where they were standing. As Nabiki strode quickly back to her classroom to get the equipment she mentioned, the tiny figure followed discretely. "So, we're gonna play follow the leader, huh?" the Mini-Urd said with a grin. "Good thing I split off here while the rest of me went on. Gotta keep one step ahead of Nabiki at all times, it seems." * * * * * * * * * * Eventually, Urd made her way to the first of her destinations: the Nekohanten. Stepping inside, she frowned at first. She didn't expect the Chinese restaurant to be so popular, but then she saw the reason why. Shampoo, one of Ranma's fiancees, was a waitress there. As she stood at the door, Urd observed that the customers (the male ones, at least), all but fawned over the purple-haired Chinese girl. Shampoo, for her part, acted cute and friendly to all of her customers. "Well, if Ranma ends up with her, it wouldn't be all bad." Urd commented, thinking that no one was able to hear. "No, it wouldn't." an ancient voice answered back beside her. Urd nearly jumped when she saw Cologne balancing on her staff beside her. Urd thought as she regained her composure. "Sorry to catch you off guard." Cologne continued. "I would have thought that you were incapable of being surprised. I guess that just means you're not completely infallible." "I'm not sure I know what you're talking about..." Urd replied warily. "Oh, but I'm sure you do. But this is not the place to discuss such matters. Come, come, we'll talk in the kitchen." Cologne said as she hopped on her staff over toward a doorway in the back of the dining room. As she passed Shampoo, she whispered. "Take care of the customers, great-granddaughter. I have matters to discuss with Miss Urd here." Entering the kitchen, Urd saw that Mousse was busy washing dishes. "Get out there and help Shampoo with the customers!" Cologne commanded him. "I need to talk with Miss Urd alone." "Yes, ma'am!" Mousse replied with delight as he rushed headlong into a nearby wall. "Put your glasses on first!" Cologne finished in irritation. A moment later, after Mousse did as suggested, Urd asked, "So, how did you know that I was coming?" "I knew that your curiosity was aroused when it was mentioned at the show last weekend that Shampoo is to marry Ranma. I figured that you'd make your way here eventually. Besides, I was down the block when you entered the restaurant." "Aha." Urd commented with a smile. "I figured that there's more to you than meets the eye, Cologne." "You would be one who knows about such things, I would think." Cologne replied simply. "I can tell what you are, and you are no alien..." "Hold on for a moment." Urd cut her off. * * * * * * * * * * Down the block from the Nekohanten, Nabiki and her cohorts were busy setting up the equipment she brought with her. "So, you think this telescopic mike will do the trick?" Suzie asked. "Yup." Nabiki replied. "Kiddy designed it herself, and I've gotten a lot of respect for her skills with surveillance equip- ment in the past couple of months. According to her, this thing's powerful enough to pick up conversations through several walls, and yet selective enough to pick out a whisper in a noisy room if we wanted to." "That's impressive." Buffy commented. "Now, where was I supposed to plug this cable into?" "Right here." Nabiki said in irritation while pointing to the "mic in" jack. "Not into the power coupling." "Sorry!" Buffy said as she did what she was told. "Are you this bad with all electric stuff?" Suzie asked incredu- lously. "Okay," Buffy snapped back, "So I'm no good with most technical stuff. Most I can do is maybe drive one of your cars or some- thing, but hooking up stuff is something else." "Hmmmm...have I ever asked you about joining the Auto Tech Club?" Nabiki asked, seeing another possible source of club fees (and thus more money for her as the treasurer). "Nope." "Remind me to ask you later. We need someone that can attract more members and keep Tetsuo in line." Nabiki commented as she plugged in one final cable. "There, now we're all set. Let's hit the power switch and eavesdrop on our ever-meddling teacher." Nabiki pushed the switch and started aiming the microphone, which resembled a scale model of the energy cannon with the parabolic dish from the Godzilla movies. After a few seconds of nudging the antenna around and fiddling with the controls, she smiled as she hit paydirt. Cologne's voice came in through the amplifier/tape deck setup: "You would be one who knows about such things, I would think. I can tell what you are, and you are no alien..." Urd's voice suddenly came up. "Hold on for a moment." "WHATCHA DOING????" Nabiki quickly yanked the headphones off of her ringing ears and dropped them to the ground. Shaking her head for a moment, she joined Buffy and Suzie in staring in shock at the Mini-Urd standing by the mike pickup. "Seh-seh-sensei?!" Suzie barely recovered. "Is that you???" "Yup!" Mini-Urd grinned at the three girls. "Now, tell me what are you girls doing here with a telescopic microphone!" "Umm...err....testing it out?" Nabiki stammered. "That sound like fun!" the Mini-Urd said excitedly. "Lemme try!" "Actually, we were just leaving..." Nabiki said, realizing that the mike was still set up for eavesdropping on their teacher and Cologne. "Awww...you're no fun at all!" Mini-Urd said in mock disappoint- ment as the three girls scrambled off, barely remembering to take the microphone with them. * * * * * * * * * * Back inside the restaurant, Urd started giggling and commented, "And that takes care of that for the moment." "Eh?" Cologne asked. "Oh, Tendo Nabiki and a couple of her friends had a telescopic microphone set up outside to eavesdrop on us. I took care of it before we got to sensitive matters here." "Hmmm...would one of them have long pink hair and the other one being a cat-girl of some sort?" "As a matter of fact, yeah. Why? Do you know them?" "Only indirectly. It seems they both have upset great-grand- daughter a couple of months back. Especially the pink-haired one, since she's also an amazon." "Lemme guess, you also have trouble with them." Urd commented. "No. While they both associate with son-in-law, they present no competition for great-granddaughter for the moment. Obstacles, yes, since they seem intent on defending son-in-law's engagement to Tendo Akane, but not competition. In fact, I like the fact that they associate with son-in-law. The amazon is training with son-in-law and is helping him become a better fighter, which is important to us. As for the cat-girl, she's helping son-in-law overcome his phobia of cats, which will ultimately make things easier for great-granddaughter. For the time being, I've told great-granddaughter to leave them be." "It seems you've done your homework around here." Urd commented. "One does not reach my age or status without attending to such things." Cologne replied. "As I was saying earlier, I know that you're not an alien. I've been around too long to be fooled by that." "Whatever do you mean?" Urd said weakly, hoping that her cover story wasn't blown. "I know that you're a goddess, Urd. When you get to be over a hundred like I am, you learn certain things. Like the fact that the marks on your face aren't merely tattoos, birthmarks, or religious marks. I know that they are goddess marks. I've seen them on others before." "Damn...there's no getting anything past you, is there?" "No, there isn't." Cologne replied with what passed for a grin on her prune-like face. "Anyway, I won't give away your secret, since it isn't to anyone's best interest for me to do so. I just thought you should know that you weren't fooling everybody." "Thanks." Urd said, relieved that her cover was partly kept for the moment. "So, why are you so curious about son-in-law?" "Well, having a guy around who has three fiancees does raise eyebrows, you've got to admit. Besides, a lot of the disturbanc- es around school tend to center around him and at least one of those fiancees." "So it's gotten to be a disciplinary matter as well, then. I was wondering when the situation would reach that point." "You know, I'm surprised that you haven't made any requests or demands that I get Ranma together with Shampoo. Especially since you know that I'm a goddess." "True, I could try to take advantage of that knowledge, but I think you will find for yourself that great-granddaughter's engagement to son-in-law is the most desirable one." "And what if Ranma doesn't see it that way?" "He will. I will see to that. Anyway, I'm sure you've seen great-granddaughter's affections towards him. You will find that she will make the better wife out of the three. But don't let that stop you from investigating the others." "We'll see." Urd replied as she got up. "As you said, I'll be checking up on the others as well. By the way, has anyone ever taught Shampoo to use a door? I mean, it's one thing to impress the person you love, but it's taking a toll on the school's maintenance budget! Besides, the act's gotten really old!" "Hmmmmm...I shall speak to great-granddaughter about that, then." "Thanks! See ya!" "Until next time." Cologne said as Urd stepped out. When Urd was gone, Cologne thought, * * * * * * * * * * "Any sign of the small Urd?" "None that I can see, Nabiki..." Suzie answered uncertainly. "Problem is, there's no telling where the small one could be." Buffy added. "True." Nabiki agreed. "The regular-sized one just entered Ucchan's, but that mini one's hard to spot. Now, let's turn this baby on," patting the microphone, "and listen in on the big one." Nabiki pushed the power switch on the battery pack, and was rewarded with a flash of flame as the microphone went up in smoke. A quick look revealed that the power cable was hooked up to the microphone's jack. "Buffy!" "Ooops." was Buffy's only reply. Nabiki sighed. She was either going to have to come up with quite a bit of money to pay back Kiddy for the microphone, or owe some favors at the very least. She popped the tape out of the undamaged but powerless deck and put into a walkman she had for the occasion. "Let's see what we did get from the Nekohanten, at least..." All she got when she hit "play" was an awful idol song. "I'm not going to ask. I'm not going to ask." Nabiki muttered as she removed the walkman's headphones. "Okay, now what?" "Maybe we can eavesdrop on them ourselves..." Buffy mused. "We could, but we might get flushed out by that Mini-Urd." Nabiki answered. "Now that I think about it, it's really weird that Urd can shrink herself like that..." "You mean like this?" Buffy asked just as she disappeared from their sight. A moment of searching later, Suzie spotted her. "There she is!" Suzie exclaimed, pointing to the five-inch-tall Buffy standing exactly where she was when she was full-sized. "What do you think?" Buffy asked with a smirk. "You mean you can do that too?" Nabiki asked. "Maybe Urd being so small isn't suspicious, but how do you explain her being in two places at once?" "I've seen some friends back home pull it off." Buffy explained. "Now, why don't we turn the tables on our teacher, huh?" "What do you mean?" Suzie asked. "Why don't all three of us shrink down? Like this!" Buffy answered as she touched Suzie. Instantly, Suzie found herself at less than four inches tall. Buffy did the same with Nabiki, who wound up falling between the two in height. "What the?" Nabiki said in shock. "Hey! How come I'm still shorter than you guys? Can't you fine-tune my height so that I can at least see you guys eye-to- eye?" Suzie complained. "All right, all right." Buffy capitulated and raised Suzie's height enough to make her happy. "Ooooo....now this is nice!" Suzie said as she enjoyed her new relative stature. "Hey, Buffy, when we return to normal size, can you make these proportions permanent?" "Sorry, my power only works for about thirty minutes at a time." "Awwwww...it was worth a shot though! Just think, no more short jokes!" "Enough already." Nabiki said, having gotten used to being only a few inches tall. "Now, let's split up and head for the alley by Ucchan's, and hurry up about it. We've got a time limit here!" As the three scurried off, a figure with long purple hair stepped out from where she was hiding behind a tree. "So. Greedy girl and friends go make trouble. Good thing great-grandmother tell Shampoo to go follow alien teacher. Find out what she up to. Also good thing great-grandmother tell Shampoo to keep eye out for other girls. Now where did other girls go now that they so tiny?" As Shampoo dashed off, Mini-Urd leaped down from the tree with an irritated look on her face. "Geez! Not only does Shampoo have to get into the act, but Nabiki and her friends are using some of the same tricks I use. This is getting to be a bit much!" * * * * * * * * * * * "So this is how a rat would see things?" Nabiki mused as the three darted along the alley next to Ucchan's. "Yeah...let's just hope we don't run across any cats." Buffy answered back while keeping a wary eye out. "I especially don't want to run across Shampoo at this size." "Hey, come on, we're not *that* bad about chasing our prey!" Suzie protested. "Yeah? Tell that to any alley cats we might run into." Nabiki shot back as she made it to the delivery door. Looking at how high up the doorknob was, she added, "Um, Buffy, maybe we should have shrunk down *after* we got inside." "It'd be a lot harder to sneak in that way!" Buffy explained. "It's a lot harder to sneak in *now* since we can't even reach the doorknob!" Nabiki told the amazon. "Cool it, you two!" Suzie said to break up the argument before their raised voices attracted attention. "I can reach it easy!" With that, Suzie climbed up to the doorknob, giving it a twist. She nearly fell when the door opened up for her, but she recov- ered quickly enough and jumped down to where the other two were. "Okay, let's go!" Nabiki whispered and the three girls scrambled inside. In a matter of minutes, the three snuck into the main dining area, took separate hiding places, and began to listen in on Urd, who was munching on an okonomiyaki, and Ukyo. "So, let me get this straight. Ranma's dad engaged him to you even though he already did that with one of the Tendo girls. Then he ran off with Ranma and the cart, only to ditch the cart later?" "Yup." Ukyo replied, not happy to be reliving the memory. Suzie thought darkly. "Then you caught up with them last year, got your revenge on Genma, only to fall in love with Ranma." Urd finished. "I nearly nailed him as well. But he called me 'cute', which no one had ever done. He was also fighting with Akane, so I figured that I might actually have a shot at him after all." "Mind if I ask a question, Ukyo?" "Go right ahead, sensei." "Are they always fighting like that?" "Most times that I see them, yeah. A lot of those times, that girl clobbers on poor Ranchan. I mean, you have to wonder why he puts up with that when he can have me! I'd never treat him like that at all!" "Why do you think he's still with Akane, then?" "Because of that stupid promise that his father and Mr. Tendo made. I don't think Ranma and Akane would stick together if they had a choice in the matter at all." "Wasn't your engagement to Ranma a promise as well? Sure sounds like Mr. Saotome doesn't keep his promises at all." Urd pressed. "But, aren't promises supposed to be kept? Even if the promise was made to both me and Akane, I should still be the one to marry Ranchan! I treat him way nicer than she ever does, and he knows how good a cook I am. All Akane would do is poison him with her so-called cooking!" "Now, let's not exaggerate..." "I'm not exaggerating! Ranchan practically crawls over here all the time to try to escape her meals." "Does Ranma return any of your affections, might I ask?" Ukyo sighed and said, "No. I wish that he would, but all he ever does is treat me like a friend, that's all." "Maybe that'll change. Give it time." Urd replied. "Anyway, enough of this depressing talk. I can see why Ranma's always coming here." "Why's that?" Ukyo asked, perking up a bit. "This okonomiyaki's great! I don't think I've tasted anything like it!" Ukyo laughed and replied, "That's the house special. I've been developing the recipe for most of my life. Don't worry, it's on the house!" Buffy thought, resisting the urge to go show Ukyo a thing or two about fair play. Nabiki, from her vantage point in one of the booths, saw that Urd was getting up to leave. She hissed a warning signal to the other two and they scrambled back out the way they came. "This is not looking good." Nabiki muttered once they were out the side door. "It's about to get even worse!" Buffy shouted as she looked beyond where Nabiki was standing. "Shampoo find this amusing." the Chinese amazon said with a smug look on her face from where she was leaning against a wall. "Great-grandmother tell Shampoo follow alien teacher and look out for trouble-making girls. Shampoo saw trouble-making girls turn small and sneak into Ucchan's. Now Shampoo get revenge on alien amazon girl and cat girl for making trouble for Shampoo." "Run for it!" Nabiki yelled, certain that Shampoo wouldn't stop at her friends. "No need to tell us!" Suzie yelled back as the three scrambled behind a dumpster. "Here, give me your hands!" Buffy said as they approached the other side of the dumpster. However, as the three joined hands, Shampoo's face peeked in from the end they were running for. "You no hide from Shampoo! Shampoo stop you from interfering in marriage to Ranma!" "Quick, double back!" Nabiki yelled and the trio did so. They barely managed to beat Shampoo back the way they came. Once clear of the confines behind the dumpster, Buffy gave her friends' hands a squeeze and they found themselves back at their normal sizes. "Aiya! How you do that?" Shampoo exclaimed, nearly slamming right into Buffy. "Wouldn't you like to know?" Buffy said with a wink as she grabbed Shampoo's top and held part of it in a fist. "So, you wanted to get revenge on us when we were small, huh? Doesn't sound very honorable to me." "And didn't your great-grandmother tell you to leave them alone?" the Mini-Urd asked from on top of a stack of crates. "Aiya! Alien teacher also so tiny! What go on?" Shampoo cried out. "That's a secret." the full-sized Urd said as she stepped out from the side door, with Ukyo standing behind her. The Mini-Urd hopped down from her stack of crates, leaped over to where her bigger self was, and merged instantly. "Shampoo see two teachers become one. Shampoo must be going crazy!" "Not really. Just one of my tricks, that's all." Urd said. "However, I am getting tired of having you girls sneaking around following me like this. Tell you what, I'm going over to the Tendos now. If you want to come with me, fine. If not, fine. Just stop it with this stupid sneaking around, okay?" "Teacher go see Ranma? Shampoo go back to Nekohanten and get food for Ranma. Shampoo show teacher how much Shampoo love Ranma!" "Not if I beat you to it." Ukyo declared. "Ranma like Shampoo food better! Shampoo win Ranma's heart with food!" "Well, Ranchan's been eating my okonomiyaki longer than he's known you, you purple-haired hussy!" As the argument between the two fiancees devolved into another fight, Urd shrugged her shoulders and said, "Whatever. You three coming?" she asked Nabiki and her friends. "Why not?" Nabiki answered. "I'm sure they're probably worried about us at home anyway." she added as the four left Shampoo and Ukyo to their dispute. As the ladies walked through the neighborhood, Urd asked, "So, what's your take on Ranma and Akane's constant fighting?" "1000 yen, please." Nabiki replied, her hand held out. "I get it. I want info, I'm gonna have to pay for it, huh?" Urd muttered as she reached for her wallet. "You got it." Nabiki said as she was paid. "That should do it. In my opinion, the bickering's gotten tiresome." "Ranma's usually the one who starts them." Buffy added. "Gotta expect it with that big mouth of his." Suzie agreed. "True, he does put his foot in it from time to time." Urd consid- ered. "Of course, Akane doesn't help matters with the way she pounds him..." "Of course. Why settle differences peacefully when you can just pound him flat or send him into the stratosphere?" Nabiki dead- panned. "One would think that Ranma would go for either Shampoo or Ukyo with that going on." Urd mused. "After all, both of them treat him better than that." "True, but as stubborn as those two are, Ranma and Akane do tend to be there for each other when the chips are down." Nabiki said. "Really?" Urd answered. "Maybe there's hope for those two yet. You know, I don't think they'd argue if they didn't care deep down." "Sometimes you have to wonder." Nabiki said. "Anyway, why is it that you have to pester me all the time, Nabiki? It's bad enough that you invade your sister and future in-law's privacy, but your own teacher?" "Let's just say that a lot of things about you don't add up. I think there's a lot of money waiting for the person who finds out about you." "Mercenary to the last, huh?" Urd muttered. "If that's what you want to call it, that's fine by me. Anyway, we only followed you to see how much you're going to meddle in Ranma's lovelife, that's all." "Hey, someone's gotta do something about him having more than one fiancee, right? That's right up my alley!" Urd said. "You'll probably make some enemies no matter who you pick." Nabiki warned. "That's what you get in a situation like this." Urd agreed. "I'm not worried, though. I can handle them easily." Nabiki laughed at this. "That, I have no doubt. If you can flash-fry Happosai on a regular basis, I think you can handle the others." "Too bad we can't send him on a one-way trip to hell." Buffy muttered. "I'm sure that can be arranged." Urd said half-jokingly. "You're going to have to get in line for that." Nabiki replied. "A lot of people around here have a grudge against the old man. I wouldn't be surprised if we saw a lynch mob in the near fu- ture." "Where can I sign up?" Suzie said menacingly. Like just about any young female in the district, she too had been petted improp- erly by the lech. They turned the corner and walked into the front gate of the Tendo home and dojo. There, they were greeted by the familiar sounds of Ranma and Akane arguing coming from the kitchen area. "Hmmmmm...maybe it would be better if I set things up between Ukyo and Ranma..." Urd mused, not liking the arguing one bit. Even though it wasn't meant to be heard, Nabiki picked up on it and gave her teacher the eye. Suzie, not hearing what Urd said, commented, "Uh, oh. If they're arguing in the kitchen, that can only mean one thing." "She cooked something." Buffy completed the thought with dread in her voice. "Didn't Shampoo and Ukyo say they were coming over with food?" Nabiki said with a bit of hope in her voice. "That's right. We can eat it while Ranma ends up eating her cooking." Buffy said, also with a bit of hope. "I might have some degree of invulnerability, but it can't protect me against Akane in the kitchen!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Urd said in interruption. "What are you girls talking about? Ukyo said that Akane's cooking was bad, but is it really that horrible?" "You better believe it!" Suzie replied, getting a tinge of green in her brown fur at the memory of trying out Akane's cooking within the first week of school. "Well, I'll believe it when I taste it." Urd said, thinking that the girls were exaggerating. "You like to live dangerously, don't you?" Nabiki remarked. Just then, there was a crash and Ranma was seen flying through the roof at a steep angle. A moment later, he made splashdown in the koi pond. "Hmmmm...Akane must have been easy on him if he remained in the yard." Buffy commented as Ranma-chan popped up out of the water. "Yeah," Suzie agreed, "she usually knocks him into the river these days." "Where were you??" Ranma-chan shouted as she got out of the pond. "If you got here right after school, we'd still be sparring and Akane wouldn't be in the kitchen making dinner!" "I heard that, Ranma!" Akane shouted from the kitchen window. This was followed by a huge pot hitting Ranma-chan in the head. "This is getting old..." Nabiki muttered. "You sure you want to stick around, sensei? Unless you've got some secret power to protect you from food poisoning, your life's in danger here." "I think I'll chance it." Urd said. "I can't believe Akane's cooking is *that* bad." "Your funeral." Suzie quipped. "Why, hello there!" Kasumi greeted them as the four ladies stepped into the house. "We didn't expect you to bring home so many guests, Nabiki, but there's plenty of food for everyone. Akane helped out in the kitchen today." "Um, er, I just remembered that my host family's probably worried about me, so I think I'd better get going..." Suzie said waver- ingly. "Same here!" Buffy added as she started to back away with Suzie. "My grandparents don't like it when I don't spend enough time with them...eheh..." As the two started to leave, Kasumi turned to Urd and said, "Oh my, this is a surprise visit, sensei! Are you going to stay for dinner?" "Um, sure, I guess." Urd answered. "That's good." Kasumi said while smiling brightly. "That way, there wouldn't be any leftovers since we have so much tonight." Nabiki translated in her head. "By the way," Kasumi continued, "how are your sisters doing, sensei?" "They're doing fine." Urd answered, slightly puzzled by the question. "That's good to hear. I was just thinking that it would be good to have you and them over for dinner one of these days. I'm sure it'll be good to get to know each other better." "Eheh...I'm sure it would..." Urd said. Then she thought, "Anyway, I've got to get back to the kitchen and help Akane with dinner. Please make yourself at home." Kasumi finished as she turned to go back inside. "So, what brings you here, sensei?" Ranma-chan asked from where she stood beside Urd and Nabiki. "You do." Urd answered. "Huh?" "More rather, your multiple-fiancee problem." "What business is that of yours?" Ranma-chan asked crossly. "You're not my sensei." "Not until next year." Urd answered. "Besides, this little problem of yours is a problem with school discipline. So, in a way, it is my business as a member of the faculty." "Hey, I didn't ask for any of these fiancees in the first place, sensei. It's not like it's my fault or anything!" "From what I heard, your engagement to Shampoo *is* your fault, since you defeated her in combat in the first place." Urd coun- tered. "That was an accident! I didn't mean to do it...it just hap- pened!" "And what about the other two fiancees?" Urd asked. "Blame my dad for those. He's the one who arranged both of them." "Why not just pick one fiancee and be done with it, then?" "What if I don't want any of them? No one asked me how I felt about the whole thing!" "Well, I'm asking you now." Urd stated. "Well, I don't want to get married now. If only my stupid father and Mr. Tendo would stop forcing me and Akane together..." Urd mused as Ranma-chan continued to bitch about how the two fathers continued to meddle in his and Akane's affairs. Urd's train of thought was interrupted with a loud clang as a kettle of water hit Ranma-chan on the head. "I heard that too, jerk!" Akane shouted from the doorway as Ranma changed back into a boy from the spilled water. "And so it goes." Nabiki said with a shrug. "Dinner's ready!" Kasumi's voice called out from inside. "Last chance to back out, sensei." Nabiki warned as she, Urd, and Ranma trudged inside. "I'll be okay. Geez, you make it sound like she's one of the horsemen of the apocalypse or something." "She might as well be." Ranma muttered. "She'd be right up there with Death and Pestilence." "You're really pushing it today, Ranma." Nabiki commented. "Akane's probably going to kill you if you keep it up, and how am I supposed to collect what you owe me when you're dead?" "I'm gonna be dead anyway, thanks to that uncute girl's cooking." "I've got a bit of good news in that department" Nabiki whis- pered. "Shampoo and Ukyo will probably visit us with some decent food later on...if they ever stop fighting." "Gotcha! So all I have to do is stall long enough for them to get here, right?" "That's the plan." Nabiki winked. "Ah, Nabiki, where were you all day?" Tendo Soun said in tears as they walked into the dining room. "We were so worried for you!" "Don't worry about it, Mr. Tendo." Urd answered. "She and her friends were following me around all afternoon. Nabiki gave Urd a glare, then told her father, "Well, Urd-sen- sei's been looking into Ranma having fiancees other than sis." Urd stiffened at this. Soun ran up to Urd and cried out, "Oh, to think that one of the teachers is taking an interest in our children's affairs! Isn't this just wonderful, Saotome!" Genma, being a panda yet again, held up a sign saying, "Yes. This will bring our bickering children closer together!" "Is he usually like this?" Urd asked Nabiki in a whisper while pointing to Soun. "Yes. Pathetic, isn't it?" Nabiki whispered back. "Here we go." Kasumi said as she walked in with Akane carrying the night's meal. As usual, it was easy to tell which dishes were made by Kasumi and which ones were Akane's just by sight alone. "Here, Ranma, have some tempura." Akane said brightly while holding a dish of carbonized lumps in front of him. "I know I might have overcooked it a little, but..." "'A little'?! That's like saying the sun's a little hot!" Ranma snapped at Akane. Akane's face rapidly switched from a cheerful look, to a hurt one, then to one of pure anger. "Why you jerk! You don't even know how it tastes yet!" "I don't have to!" Ranma yelled back. "Don't you even know when something's burned to a cinder?!" "Children, children! We have a guest here!" Soun cried out, heartbroken for the umpteenth time that Ranma and Akane were fighting again. It was just then that the sliding door leading outside was smashed down. "Nihao!" Shampoo greeted as her bike came through the door. "I bring ramen for husband as good wife should!" Genma held up another sign that said, "Edible food! We're saved!" "Ramen not for you, for husband instead!" Shampoo shouted as Genma, Soun, and Nabiki rushed over like victims of a famine. "That's okay." Ukyo said as she stepped through the hole in the door. "I've got some okonomiyaki for Ranchan, so go ahead and give your ramen to the others..." "No! You give okonomiyaki to rest of family. I give ramen to Ranma!" "He's eating my food, you guys!" Akane yelled to the two rivals. "See, he's enjoying it!" Ranma was quite busy turning various shades of green and purple while having a pair of chopsticks forced into his mouth by Akane. "Aiya! Violent girl go and poison husband! Shampoo no stand for this!" "You get that set of chopsticks out of Ranchan's mouth, Akane..." While the three girls stood there (or sat, in the case of Akane) bathing the room with the blue light from their collective auras, Urd looked over one of the dishes that Akane made. "Hmmmm...I guess this is supposed to be gyoza." Urd said unnoticed as she picked up a gray lump that had parts sloughing off as she held it in her chopsticks. "Oh, well, here goes..." Urd said as she brought the lump in towards her mouth... * * * * * * * * * * "Are you sure Urd didn't say when she was going to be back?" Belldandy asked Jun as they sat in the tea room with Keiichi, Skuld, and Joe. The clock on the wall read 9:30. "No, she didn't. All she said was that she wouldn't be back for dinner." Jun said with a worried look on her face. "It isn't like Urd to be away for this long." Keiichi remarked. "I would've expected her back a few hours ago, if only to bug us..." "Keiichi!" Belldandy said, a bit hurt that he would say something like that at a time like this. "Well, it's true!" Skuld piped in, defending Keiichi for once. "She's usually hanging around here to make trouble." "Skuld! You and Keiichi should be ashamed of yourselves." Belldandy said in reproach. "After all, we don't know if she fell victim to one of Marller's schemes or not." "Sorry." Keiichi said. "Maybe we're all a bit edgy." "Yeah." Skuld agreed. Even though she wouldn't admit it out loud, even she was worried about Urd deep down. Just then, the phone rang. Jun jumped up and grabbed it. "Hello! Morisato residence. Kokashi Jun speaking." "Hello. May I speak with one of Urd-sensei's sisters, please?" a voice on the other end said, sounding an awful lot like Bell- dandy. Jun gave a quizzical look at Belldandy, then asked, "Who is this?" "Oh, I'm sorry! I'm Tendo Kasumi..." "Oh, right, Nabiki's big sister. Here, I'll put Belldandy on for you!" As Jun passed the handset to Belldandy, she thought, "Hello?" Belldandy asked as she held the handset to her head. "Hello, Belldandy? It's me, Kasumi. I'm afraid we've got an emergency here. Urd ate some bad food and none of Dr. Tofu's treatments seem to be working. Can you come right over? I don't know if you can teleport like your sisters, but..." "Yes, I'll be right over! Thanks for telling us!" Belldandy said hurriedly as she put down the phone. She turned to the others and said, "I'll be back in a while. Urd fell victim to food poisoning at the Tendos, it seems..." "Is that even possible, with you being goddesses and all?" Keiichi asked in confusion and worry. "I didn't think so, but this might be a special case." Belldandy answered, also uncertain of the situation. "Hey, mind if I come along? After all, she is my sensei." Jun asked as Belldandy headed for the nearest mirror. "Hurry up, then." Belldandy told her as she prepared to teleport. * * * * * * * * * * "Keep away from me, you maniac!!!!" Ranma, Nabiki, Soun, Genma, and Akane winced in the hallway as Urd's voice boomed from Nabiki's room. They had called for Dr. Tofu a couple of hours earlier while Urd was unconscious from that taste of Akane's gyoza. After an hour of Tofu trying various treatments, Urd came to and gave them the phone number to the temple. Unfortunately, that was when Kasumi walked into the room. Akane risked sneaking a peek into Nabiki's room and saw that it was a disaster area, a result of Tofu's condition whenever Kasumi's around. She saw Dr. Tofu standing in the middle of the room pleading with Urd to come down from where she was hovering in a corner. She also noticed that Urd's head was tilted ninety degrees to the left. Again, the result of Dr. Tofu's distracted handiwork. Sighing, Akane closed the door and noticed a flash of light from behind the bathroom door. Nabiki noticed this too, and walked over to find Belldandy and Jun stepping out of the bathroom. "Hello." a worried Belldandy said. "Where's my sister?" "In my room over there." Nabiki answered. "Or what's left of it..." "What?" Belldandy asked, the worry deepening on her face. "Did she lose control of her powers?" "Naaaaa." Ranma replied for Nabiki. "The doc always loses it whenever Kasumi's nearby. I knew asking him over was a mistake." "Oh?" Akane snapped. "I don't suppose *you* could treat medical emergencies, you jerk." "Well, no." Ranma said. "It's just that it's dangerous whenever Kasumi's near the doc...." "Well, excuse me for trying to help out by calling for him!" Akane said in a haughty voice. "Enough, you two." Nabiki said as she stepped between them. Belldandy stepped into the room and was shocked by what she saw. "Urd! What happened to your neck? They told me that it was food poisoning over the phone." "It was, but this damned quack made things worse by going crazy and twisting my neck!" Urd spat out. She leaned around her sister and shouted at Tofu, "Where'd you get your license, anyway? Out of a damn UFO catcher machine??" Jun, standing off to the side, took a look at Tofu and noticed something odd about him. "Um, Doctor?" she asked. "Are you all right?" Ranma looked over to see what Jun was talking about and recog- nized the look that was slowly forming on his face. The goofy smile. The steamed-up glasses. It was the same look that he got whenever Kasumi stopped by his office. "Aw, geez! Pop! Mr. Tendo! Help me get Dr. Tofu out of the room before he does any more damage." Ranma shouted as Tofu started to twitch. "Akane, make sure Kasumi stays in the kitchen while we get the doc on his way." "Why, Ranma?" Akane asked in confusion. "I don't know! All I know is that he's starting to act the same way he does around Kasumi!" Jun, having heard the horror stories about when those two are together, helped by holding the door open as Ranma and the two fathers roughly escorted the doctor, who was gibbering Kasumi's name, out of the room and on his way out of the house. Jun thought as she saw them trudge down the staircase. Meanwhile, Belldandy was firing up a healing spell. She first applied it, in the form of a glowing sphere, to Urd's neck. Almost instantly, Urd was able to straighten it out. However, when Belldandy applied the sphere to Urd's belly, she frowned and gave a look of deep concentration as she held the sphere in place for several minutes. Jun noticed this and wondered if the food poisoning was really that bad, since healing was normally instantaneous. After what seemed to be a long while, Belldandy pulled back her hand and the sphere dimmed out. Jun saw that she had a very tired look on her face and knelt by her in case she needed some support. Urd also stirred a bit. She looked better than she did a while earlier, but not quite up to her usual energetic self. Belldandy lifted her head and said weakly, "Thanks, Jun. I'm afraid it was worse than I thought it would be. The poison was a very potent one." "Thanks for pointing out the obvious, sis." Urd mumbled as she sat up and winced. "And only from one bite, too." "One bite?" Jun asked incredulously. "Man, that must've been something nasty!" "Just another of Akane's meals." Ranma said as he stepped back into the doorway. "Would you just lay off of that, Ranma!" Akane shouted as she slugged Ranma's side as she squeezed in from behind him. "Would you just cool it for once?" Nabiki spat out very irrita- bly. Having Dr. Tofu trash her room did not help her mood at all. "I couldn't completely heal you," Belldandy said apologetically to Urd, choosing to ignore the bickering teenagers. "But you should get over it in a few hours. I'm afraid I don't have the energy to teleport you back home, though." "We can put her up for the night, if you'd like." Kasumi offered as she looked in on the crowd in Nabiki's room. "Thanks, Kasumi." Belldandy replied as she slowly got up. "We really wouldn't want to intrude." "It's no problem, really." Kasumi said brightly. "I was just telling Urd how I'd like to have you all over for dinner some- time, anyway. I'm sorry that this had to come up." "Thanks. Maybe we'll take you up on that offer soon." Belldandy said. "As long as Akane's not cooking and that quack isn't around!" Urd added. "Hey," Jun interrupted, "maybe I should stay over as well, since you don't look too hot, Belldandy. Besides, I can help look after Urd here." "Thanks, Jun." Belldandy said. "I'll be by in the morning in case Urd's not up to teleporting. I should be okay by then, since all I need is some sleep." After Jun, Akane, Ranma, and Kasumi saw Belldandy leave by the bathroom mirror, Jun walked back into Nabiki's room and over to where Urd was. "Hey, you up for moving around some?" "Hell no." was Urd's reply. "Just give me a few hours in this debris and I might be able to crawl a few inches." "Here we go." Kasumi said as she walked in with Nabiki carrying a couple of spare futons with pillows and blankets. "I'm sorry for how things are. We usually don't let things go like this." "That's okay." Jun said. "It's not your fault. We'll make do with this." "Just great." Nabiki muttered as she laid out one of the futons. "My room's a disaster area and I end up hosting a slumber party with one of my teachers and her prize pupil." "Now, now, Nabiki." Kasumi chided. "Let's be gracious hosts here." "Yeah, yeah." As soon as they were finished laying out the spare futons and getting Urd settled in for the night, Kasumi left the room and bade the three good night. Urd gave out a low moan from where she lay on the floor. Nabiki shifted to look at her teacher and said, "We warned you." "Warned her about what? Akane's cooking?" Jun asked. "Yup." Nabiki answered. "Okay, okay, you told me so." Urd muttered. "You sure that the bioweapons industry isn't trying to get her recipe book?" "Not that I know of, but now that I think about it, that would be a good source of revenue..." Nabiki mused. "Before you try to sell off those recipes, let me analyze a sample at home. I've got to find out exactly what it was that knocked me for a loop." "Not a bad idea." Nabiki replied. "Hey, Urd, what were you doing over here anyway?" Jun asked. Nabiki answered for Urd, "She was trying to find out more about Ranma's fiancees" "Oh, that." Jun said as she crinkled up her nose. "I can't understand why a guy needs more than one fiancee!" "Hey, I heard that you've got ninety percent of the male students after you, Jun, so I wouldn't talk." "It's not my fault! Urd here's the one who designed that outfit last weekend." "Now there's gratitude for you." Urd muttered. "Well, I really shouldn't complain." Nabiki said. "After all, it added to my revenues..." "You didn't." Urd said. "You took pictures of me in that outfit, didn't you?" "Hey, it wasn't as if it was against the rules or anything." Nabiki said slyly. "Well, you've already taken the pictures and started selling them," Jun drawled, "so if you gave me a fifteen percent cut, I'll be happy." "Ten and you've got a deal." Nabiki said in her deal-making tone of voice. "Done. I really should be resentful, but then again, I did look good in the outfit, didn't I?" Nabiki laughed and said, "I heard that they had to spend an hour mopping the drool off the auditorium floor that night. Anyway, Urd, have you figured out who you're going back as Ranma's fiancee?" Urd lay there for a minute before answering the question. "I think I'll back Ukyo's claim." Nabiki narrowed her eyes in the darkness and said, "I hope you know what you're doing, sensei. Daddy's not going to stand for this." "Perhaps, but Ukyo *does* treat him better and is certainly a better cook." Urd answered as she lay back. "Besides, Akane might fight for him if she really cared..." "Is that the real plan, sensei?" Nabiki asked, a sly look cross- ing her face. When Urd gave her a grin as an answer, Nabiki continued. "Y'know, it does remind me of the time when I was Ranma's fiancee instead of Akane..." "What?" Jun asked, startled at the revelation. "You were Ranma's fiancee once?" "Yeah. It was one of my plans, though. I was just pretending to be in love with him in order to get Akane jealous enough to buy him back." Nabiki grinned. "Did it work?" Urd asked. "Well, it got them closer together for a while, but I didn't get paid. A mixed success, really." "Think this plan will stand a chance of working? I mean, Ukyo's really in love with Ranma, so that might be a problem." Jun pointed out. "Nothing I can't handle." Urd answered. "Besides, I won't be making any guarantees, so they can't nail me on that." "Well, it'll be tricky to pull off." Nabiki mused, then added, "But I like it. Count me in on the plan. I'll just pretend to oppose it." "Good." Urd said. "I'll probably trust you with love potion antidotes and such. That way, if Ukyo slips a potion on him, you'll be able to counteract it when the time's right." "Similar to the one you slipped Kuno-baby?" Nabiki asked. "I don't know what you mean." Urd said in mock indignation. However, Urd knew that Nabiki was on to her regarding that incident. "Forget I said it, then" Nabiki said with a wink. "Truce?" "Truce." Urd replied. "I'd shake your hand on it, but my sto- mach's still in pain. At least this plan might give Akane the push she needs to improve her cooking..." "Heaven help us." Nabiki deadpanned. While Nabiki didn't quite realize the implication of what she said, Jun and Urd ended up laughing themselves to sleep. Next Episode: Demonic Pranks After two months of surveillance, Marller, Sayoko, and Dorller make their move in trying to get rid of Urd. After goading Joat-mon into one of his biggest pranks in class, they use the incident to try to turn neighborhood opinion against the new teacher. Will they get away with it? Find out next time in Aa! Megami-sensei! All Aa! Megamisama and Ranma 1/2 characters copyright Fujishima Kosuke and Takahashi Rumiko, respectively. All other characters copyright Peter Ward, Tim Dunn, Tim Holt, "Snafu", and Ray Yeen. E-mail all comments, suggestions, etc. to falcon@best.com. They're always welcome...even the flames to a certain extent ^^;