On Sun, 21 Jul 1996 pcorrig@UOFT02.UTOLEDO.EDU wrote:

Mr. Griffin wrote:

   Good idea. (I've read it over though, and it seems that you wrote it 
rather fast, as the editing looks a little rushed; here and there 
remnants of wording altered still remain. You would do well to go back 
and tidy it up.)

	Actually, you caught me just in time (I'm going to go over parts 
one and two before sending them all to the re-mailer.

...Satisfied that the only one's that were awake (both of them in the
same room as Kodachi unfortunately for them), either missed her 
entirely or dismissed whatever they sensed as merely nerves; she
carried her bike to the front gate, rechecked the map, and set off 
to scout a few escape routes.

   Now I know Shampoo doesn't trust the staff of the School as far as 
she can kick them; but why is she in such a rush to "escape" so soon? 

	Escape that moment, no.  But it would make sense to be prepared.

In 
any case, where does a very conspicuous Asian girl like herself expect to 
escape _to_, in America of all places 

	Nearest harbor, where else?

...As he left part of Ryoga's mind registered a sound reminiscent of 
the skin being ripped off a fairly large animal, however he was too busy 
realizing that the shower was on the second floor to contemplate that 
information. 

   Question here: given that by now the Japanese students know very well 
that Monet and Angelo (say) are anything but normal Americans, why is 
Paige (say) so concerned with keeping her mutation a secret from Team 
Ranma? I don't quite follow... 

	While two or three mutants at the campus might not seem odd enough 
to make your typical exchange student overly uneasy unless he/she had 
something against them to begin with; too many in one spot might lead to 
some pointed questions or worse, some inaccurate conclusions.

	"<Hey Ucchan!>" Ranma called as he approached.  Ukyo immediately
looked up and began staring over his shoulder at the grey skinned youth
following him.
	"Forgive me." she said as she caught herself and bowed politely,
"You surprise me... ano...." 

   How so? She saw them before they saw her. Angelo's appearance perhaps? 
That would make more sense.

	Yup.

Main Building (Remedial English); XSfGY:

   Here's as good a place as any to critique your estimates of the 
characters' fluency in English. I'll go through them one by one.
   The girls first.
   Shampoo: Poor girl hasn't even figured out Japanese yet. Leave her in 
the elementary class.

	*chortle*

   Ukyo: Given that she's (apparently) singlehandedly running a 
restaurant full time, I doubt she'd have as much time to study foreign 
languages as Akane. (In the story, the two girls are both in the 
intermediate class.) Besides, as the least Westernized of all the girls, 
with the possible exception of Shampoo (let's face it; the girl thinks 
it's still the 17th century as far as her perceptions of personal honor 
are concerned; what Japanese girl would feel obliged to abandon her 
gender purely out of shame today?), she'd probably be the most 
provincial of the lot and thus the least inclined to acquire English. I 
frankly don't believe Ukyo's fluency would be near Akane's level, much 
less above as appears the case in the story. I'd put her in the 
elementary class with her fiancee and Shampoo.

	Hmm... You have a point, but she is in some ways the brightest of 
Ranma's harem and probably realizes that picking up some english is a 
good idea.  You are right about me needing to be more careful about the 
dialouge, but it can be a headache to keep track of _all_ the dialects.

   Now for the boys.
   Kuno: Okay, so the poor boy's rather lacking in common sense. Still, I 
suspect the Kunos, for all Tatchi's pretensions, are the most Westernized 
of the families in _Ranma 1/2_. (Kuno calls his father the principal
"Daddy," in English, for instance. Kodachi, for her part, we've 
established, speaks perfect English, and so, it would appear, does Mr. 
Kuno.) Anyway, Kuno has a thing for literature, as we all know, which 
need not be restricted to Japanese literature (unless of course he 
considers foreign lit. beneath him). Besides, he is a grade level 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
	That's the major point, he seems _so_ wrapped up in his 
Tokugawa-Era Dreamworld that he would avoid speaking in such base 
dialects to the point where he'd forget most of it.

above the others (being in Nabiki's class and all). Consider putting him 
with his sister and Nabiki (the only two who'll endure his nonsense for 
more than 15 seconds, anyway) 

	Do you _really_ think Emma would not mindwipe him inside of a 
week? (not that anyone would notice, but still)

   Ryoga: 

	<Snip>
	Personally, I think necessity is a great teacher (there are very 
few places where _nobody_ knows english, and given his sense of 
direction....)

   In any case, your treatment of his proficiency in English seems 
somewhat inconsistent. In part one his English is faltering, on a level 
with Akane's perhaps. By this installment, however, he appears to be 
fluent. You'd do well to go back over the three installments and make his 
speech constitently faltering or fluent, depending on which you consider 
him to be.

	Yet another reason to backtrack

	"<Shampoo sorry teacher.>" she said after she caught her breath and
slammed Mousse into the floor when he tried to embrace her, "<Shampoo go
explore in morning, take time to find way back.>"
	"<Understood.>" Logan said once he regained his composure and
Shampoo took a seat beside Ranma, "<Now let me make a few things clear
students.  Firstly _no_ fighting in class, that means no threats, no
provocation, no challenges.  If you have a problem, it waits until after
class....>
	#What's with her?# Ranma wondered as he watched the wary figure
next to him, #Shampoo's _never_ tried to get this close to me without
tryin' to grab me or feed me or kill me....#

   Again, I know Shampoo doesn't trust the staff of the Institute, but 
why is she this nervous? Did I miss something?

	She's not so much nervous as well aware that something Is Not 
Right (she recieved a letter inviting her to an exchange program (never 
mind that she didn't attend school) the same morning someone hacked into 
Immigration and gave Mousse, Cologne, and herself passports) and worried 
that Ranma could be in danger.

	"Yes, sempai." they finally nodded to Kitty.
	#Why is it,# Kitty wondered as she thought back to the madness that
was the exchange students arrival, #that this doesn't surprise me, or look
like Ranma's only problem?#
******

   Hmm. No. Sounds a little forced. Try rephrasing Kitty's aside.
   For instance: 

#Why is it,# Kitty wondered as she thought back to the madness that was 
the exchange students arrival, #that this doesn't surprise me in the 
slightest?#

	Good idea.

Then he noticed what seemed like a faint yellow glow surrounding his 
companion.  Before he could make up his mind whether or not it was a 
trick of the light, however, he was distracted by the bones in his hand 
shifting position.
	"Ryoga take it easy!" Everett nearly yelled as he tried to shake
him with his free hand.
	"Nan- oh, forgive me." Ryoga said as he hurriedly released
Everett's hand, "I was... thinking."

   Faint yellow glow? I'm not sure I understand. Is he powering up for a 
shishihokodan (defusing himself just in time)?

	Yup.  (Note that this chi blast is fueled by depression and not 
_always_ completely under control.

	The telepath probed deeper as Ryoga approached his seat, ferreting
out whatever information that could explain a transformation that felt as
routine (to Ryoga) as it was radical.  #Valley of Cursed Springs?# she
thought as she found some of his more significant memories, #Spring of
Drowned Piglet... curse triggered by cold and hot water... oh my lord,
P-Chan?!?#...
	#Frost-sensei!#
	The thought rang in Emma's head despite the fact that it was not
her's.  Not precisely projected, the mental voice still sounded loud and
clear against the psychic background noise.  A strange chill went down her
spine as she slowly turned towards the source of the call only to stare
into the half-closed eyes of Tendo Nabiki.
	#Sensei,# Nabiki thought 'audibly', her face remaining utterly
emotionless, #is it normal procedure for instructors to probe the minds of
students without their permission?#

   Quibble: if Nabiki is addressing Emma in English, 

	She isn't.  I'm of the school that telepathy and thoughts
trancends mere spoken language. 

	#Very well,# Emma all but snarled, humiliated at being manipulated
so easily by a head-blind child.  Then aloud to the oblivious class she
said, "Now let's get started, shall we?" 

   Hm. I don't think Nabiki _is_ devoid of psychic ability akin to Emma's. 
She can't probe people's minds, of course, but she can block probes--  
you've made that quite clear--and apparently can tell when probing is 
going on even when it's not directed at her. 

	Abnormally strong mental defenses are not unknown among strong 
willed flatscans, and they can be re-enforced with practice.  As for 
detecting scans, if a known telepath suddenly smiles for no reason other 
than someone entering a room wouldn't you suspect her of snooping?

Could it be that Nabiki 
indeed has latent psychic abilities? (It would explain why she was brought to 
America with her sister. But then I suppose all will be revealed in time...)

	Hidden abilities of her own, yes.  But none of them telepathic ;)

	"In fact, Professor Xavier has more in common with the mutant
'super-heroes' called X-Men than a similar interest in the welfare of
'Homo superior', correct?"
	Gateway only nodded, stroking his beard as he tried to figure out
how [Cologne] learned these secrets while spending the better part of
the past half century in the remote Joketsuzoku village.

   Great grandmother very wise. Gateway no know this? (Perhaps she's a 
mutant herself. It would explain her inordinately great age, her uncanny 
abilities and--dare I say it--her looks.)

	:P

	"I shall speak to your great-granddaughter about this," Gateway
finally said in an accented voice scratchy with disuse as he finally rose,
"it seems she fears the worst and is willing to act on that assumption." 
	"No." ordered Cologne, "It would be best if Shampoo put some work
into discovering the truth for herself, I cannot be there to think for her
all the time and such an exercise of the mind would be beneficial for the
child." 

   Even if the child's life were at stake? Rather cavalier attitude to take. 

	Cologne's already figured out that 'Poo's in no danger from 
Xavier.  This is just a test to see how fast the kid figures it out on 
her own.
	Besides, If Shampoo's already on her guard then she is far safer 
in potentially hostile territory than her betrothed.

	"And what of Sinister?" Gateway asked, locking eyes with the older
woman.
	"Xavier's minions have dealt with the whelp in the past, yes?" 
Cologne noted, holding up a hand to silence Gateway's retort, "I suspect
that between the 'instructors' at this place, Shampoo, the Son-in-Law, and
_his_ friends; young Essex may find his hands full.

   You'll have to remind me who Nathaniel Essex is. I presume he's an 
old enemy of the X-men, but my searches of what information I could 
find about the X-men on the Internet turned up a blank.
   I know that Sinister is an X-enemy, but apart from that I know little 
about him. If you would please remind me who he is, as well, I'd be 
grateful. (There's probably no need to do so in the story, though--please 
don't misunderstand me.) 

	Nathaniel Essex = Mr Sinister,  A white skinned enigma with an 
apparent desire to accelerate human developement.  Known Agents: The 
Marauders (deceased?), The Nasty Boys.  Hobbies: Cloning Redheads ;)

	They stood for several seconds, trying to think of something to
say or even think straight period when they noticed the 6 pairs of eyes
staring at them with a no little surprise and confusion.
	Nabiki came to her senses first, striding off in a random
direction as quickly as she could without looking like she was running. 
Monet blinked, assumed a reasonable approximation of her usual aloof
expression, and took off in a vertical direction just as promptly.
	Nabiki happened to glance over her shoulder at that moment, just
in time to see her rise into the sky like a goddess...[A]s Monet lazily 
arced towards the further reaches of campus, the sun glimmering off of 
her blouse and making her skin shine like bronze, Nabiki snapped a 
perfect photo with her most expensive camera. 
******

   Well. I really don't know what to say...
   Question here though: I (and a few other readers of the Ranma comic) 
had suspected that Nabiki had been homosexual, or at least bisexual, for 
quite some time before the time this story seems to be set in, for various 
reasons. (All those photos and her habit of poking female Ranma's chest, 
for instance, were evidence for the prosecution. I take it, though,  
given the amount of confusion, shock and shame that Nabiki's little crush 
inspires in our favorite con artist, however, that you aren't one of 
them.) 

	Actually, I am.  Nabiki and Monet are less upset by their mutual 
attraction than they are my their utter and complete loss of composure 
(Nabiki, _babbling_?!?) in the presense of those who rightfully regard 
them as cool headed thinkers.

	*sigh* #But if only I could begin to learn _ONE_ technique,# Akane
thought, #just one single technique that RANMA hasn't mastered or improved
on....#

   But she has one--the ability to draw weapons out of Hammerspace at 
will. (Which may be precisely your point. Akane doesn't seem to realize 
this, though.) 

	She will....

Or did you have something else in mind? Her untapped 
poisoning ability, perhaps? Or her really hot temper? (Who needs a 
nuclear reactor when you've got Akane?...)
   Wait.
   If she could tap her anger like Ryoga taps his sadness and Ranma his 
confidence...am I on the right track?

	<facefaults> You missed it.

	A direct confrontation in the open was out of the question and [Logan]
knew it.  Shampoo was in no mood to sit down and hear an explanation of
her own volition; too confident in her abilities to be frightened into
surrender by the sight of his claws; and too skilled, too fast, and (as
her entrance that morning demonstrated) _way_ to strong for him to stop
physically without using said claws.
	#Gonna have t' talk to her face to face,# the mutant thought as he
stood before the palm-print activated entrance, #and lettin' her wear
herself out on a pair o' titanium bulkheads while I get the medicine back
to the others ain't a bad idea....#

   Yes, but when? Now? She's hardly in the mood. As it is all this cloak 
and dagger business would spook Shampoo even more than she actually is, 
precisely what Logan doesn't need. And just when does Logan plan to 
reveal all to our favorite Amazon? Sooner rather than later, I hope...

	As soon as possible if he can corner her and give her no choice 
but to listen ('Poo is not the type to become overly cooporative if he 
threatens to kill her)

	#It seems 'Sensei' wants me to go through _that_ door...# Shampoo
decided as she focused her mind and reached out of this reality with her
hand, absently recalling the two years she spent mastering what she saw
Mousse do when they were nine... while the boy honed that same skill
beyond what she could ever hope to accomplish.
	#... so I'll make my own.# she smiled as she drew back her bonbori.

   Guess I was wrong. Akane's not the master of Hammerspace. That would 
be Mousse. (Helps explain his hidden weaponry. No way he could fit that 
potty in his cloak. :) )

	No, Mousse trained for _years_ to get where he is today.  Someone 
else on campus is pulling bludgons out of thin air on a regular basis 
without even realizing it.

	#Hold it!# said something in the back of her mind before she took a
single step, #You have no real idea what's going on here or who knows
about it.  If you panic now and let everybody realize that you something,
who knows what could be done to the ones you leave behind even _IF_ you
got away in one piece.  If you stay and pretend like nothing has happened,
you could get to the bottom of this without anyone being the wiser until
it's too late.#
	Shampoo nodded to herself and carefully slipped out of the
basement after putting the bonbori back where she got it from.

   I don't know. If I heard voices in my head coming from nowhere in 
particular, I'd be even more frightened than ever.

	Even if you believed them to be your own thoughts?  Any well 
trained telepath can plant suggestions in an unguarded mind, and Emma 
Frost is pretty much top tier in terms of skill.

	#Cassidy must be rubbing off on me.# Emma Frost thought as she
recalled her reluctance to rewrite the Joketsuzoku memories and be done
with it... 
	#Logan what were you _thinking_?!?# the telepath asked.
	#Figured it'd be safer t' tell her everything now that to wait for
her to guess wrong and panic.# Logan replied calmly, #Or do you want her
to run off thinkin' we're th' enemy.#

   Ah, but he didn't, did he?

	He tried!

	#If you had come to me about the girl's suspicions earlier,# Emma
noted, #I could have given her whatever answers she needed without this
subterfuge.#
	#She needs answers she can trust Frost,# he answered bluntly, #not
somebody playin' with her head.# With that, Logan used the training Xavier
gave him to shut Emma out of his head as he headed back to the student
lounge.

   Personally, I must agree with Emma. What's with all of Logan's cloak 
and dagger business? It would seem calculated to make Shampoo more 
suspicious than she already is.

	Personally, I'd be more frightened and wary if someone _overtly_ 
talked in my head for any reason.  And remember, Logan still does not 
_entirely_ trust the ex-Hellfire Club leader....

	Nabiki clenched her eyes shut as she snatched the wallet from
Kuno's hand, wrenched out the final amount by feel, and unceremoniously
dropped it as she half-ran towards the woods.  The coldly rational side of
her mind told her that it was simply a photo of an attractive woman,
something she sold to the idiot on a regular basis.
	But then why did she feel so... dirty?
******

   To tell you the truth, this scene doesn't show Nabiki in the best of 
lights. (Of course, this may be your intent.)

	Exactly.  Tendo Nabiki does have one weakness/chracter flaw,
_greed_. 

	#She had trouble blocking....# Akane thought at she replayed the
fight in her head.  It was not as if Kitty did not know the principles of
close quarters defense and evasion in theory, but the difference between
intellectual knowledge and bone-deep reflex was painfully obvious in
comparison to her skills outside of that.
	#She seemed so... distracted too,# Akane realized belatedly, #like
she was concentrating on something else... or resisting her own reflexes.#

   Mind letting us know why Pryde was "resisting her reflexes"? (I am 
guessing that the answer involves some facts about Pryde's abilities 
which I unfortunately am not privy to. Could it be that if Pryde had gone 
all out she'd have beaten Akane more badly than would have been good for 
Ranma's uncute fiancee?)

	As someone already mentioned, Kitty's first instinct in a fight is
to become immaterial (in fact, I think it takes a little concentration for
her to stay completely solid for long due to injuries a while back that
nearly discorpriated her completely)

	"<What'd I do _now_?>" grumbled Ranma as he rubbed his foot in
annoyance and stared off into the trees.
	"<She should be all right.>" Kitty said calmly, cutting off Genma
before he started raving about the boy driving off his fiancee, "<She
probably just needs to blow off some steam.  Nothing in here would hurt
her anyway.>"

   Umm...what about Penance? I got the impression there might be a 
problem if Akane and that particular mutant crossed paths...

	Excessively shy around strangers, _very_ good at hiding, and
wouldn't try to evicerate anyone unless she's convinced there is no
choice. 

	If his eyes were open, he might have noticed the faint red glow of
chi, curling smoke-like from his claws.
******

To be continued

   Neat ending passage there.

	Thank you :)

   General comment at this point: the story itself seems to be moving 
very slowly at this point. Parts 1 through 3 seem to have been mostly 
build up. I know you'll get to the actual story soon enough; but to be 
honest three chapters where the conflict to be resolved is only hinted at 
leaves one a tad impatient. With no conflict, after all, there is no 
story, and three chapters without conflict could easily lose the less 
patient reader, however well written.

	Sorry, but I've always been overly fond of 'teasers'.  Don't many
of the minor conflicts _do_ come to a head in part 4 which also sets up
the major conflicts in parts 5-6

I take it Akane will not be seeking political office. I'll take that 
to mean that she too will get an "ultimate attack". 

	Not so much an _ultimate_ attack....

It'll be nice to see that.  
Damsel in Distress doesn't become her. However given her hot temper it's 
probably just as well she didn't get any "ultimate attack" before now.  
The Tendo Dojo'd be a smoking ruin long ago. :) 

	Final hint: this manuver is entirely non-destructive in and of itself.

I presume the English teacher is Hinako. (I've believed for a long 
time that the kid should've used her English skills to get a job with the 
the U.S. Army...) Do you intend to do anything else with Happosai? 

	Yup (you didn't think I'd _really_ feed him to Creed, did you?)
 

As the
creator of the happogoensatsu he might be of use to the X-Men against 
Hinako; 

	Like I'd let them off that easily....

Hinako versus the X-men.  
Hina-chan's probably the most dangerous of all of Ranma's adversaries 
past and present...this battle I'm looking forward to. 

	Sorry, it'll be one of the shortest :)

	Thanks for the commentary.

HTG