From: Thane Walkup, inthane@oz.net
Yet Another Totally Untitled Series By Someone Who Hasn't Published Diddly
Over Squat Anywhere Before
by
Thane Walkup
C&C PLEASE!!!!
I loved it. 'Nuff said?
No? Er... um, could you put down that mallet? Please?
This is what happens, when at three in the morning, my brain decides to start
thinking. Now, it isn't unusual for my brain to start thinking, and it isn't
unusual for me to be up at three in the morning. HOWEVER, it is extremely
unlikely that I will BOTH be awake at three in the morning and still be
capable of thought. As you can see from what follows, this is a Good Thing.
Frito: Sez who!
I admit, I get a lot of my ideas/plotting/thinking/mental writing/etc.
when I'm lying in bed trying to get to sleep. Not a pretty sight. An even
uglier experience. :(
All original ideas in this text are mine, any which someone else came up with
belong to them, natch. Anyone who's got a better legal disclaimer, please
help me!
Lyra: <Wicked grin> It's MINE! MINE ALL MINE! Hohohohohahahahaha...
<Straightens up, grins, and winks at the audience>
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On my third week at the Unnamed University, I made what was widely
regarded at the time as a Bad Decision. At least, it was regarded as such by
the part of my brain that controls social interaction. The fact that the
part of my brain which controlled social interactions had never functioned
properly in the first place, and in fact seemed to have more in common with my
appendix than a functioning mass of nervous tissue, was of no concern to it.
"Mike, this is the *WORST* thing you could be doing here. You wanted
to start over fresh here, didn't you? You wanted to be POPULAR, didn't you?"
Format side-issue: I'd agree with the people who suggest double-spacing
between paragraphs... much easier to read.
Lyra: I liked this bit. It's funny, and it captures the thoughts a lot of
us have had when we entered college.
Frito: Yeah. What she said.
Windir: Frito... just when, pray tell, did you have a chance to
experience this?
What the social side of my brain was trying to get me away from
becoming involved with was a flyer I had found near the computer center.
Very simply, it had a picture of a lightly clothed (Ok, almost naked) girl
drawn in anime style, carrying a RBG. (Really Big Gun) The caption read,
"Anime showing - Erewhon Building, Room 401, October 3rd."
Lyra: <Snicker>
Windir: Eh?
Frito: Huh?
Windir: <Looks back up at the building's name> Ah. I wonder how many
people caught that? <Smiles>
Frito: I still don't get it.
Lyra: <Pokes Frito on the nose and grins> Read it backwards.
Frito: Alright, alright. It just sounds so cool as a name by itself, I
didn't get the joke!
My first impression, coming through the door, was that someone had
visited an asylum on halloween, and then promised all the inmates freedom,
if they would only wear their costumes year round. I did a quick double take
to pull in a second impression, and the two impressions had a brief heated
debate before pulling up together in front of me a sign which read
"Guaranteed 100% lunatics. Handle with care." Never being the one to pay
any attention to first impressions, I entered the auditorium.
Windir: This is where the story begins to find its true heart. While I
have never been to any group quite this eclectic --
Frito: Yeah, like you'd ever do something *fun* in college!
Windir blushes.
Lyra: Windir?
Windir: Ahem. The author not only makes an accurate exaggeration of the
'odd' behavior one can find at gatherings of fans, he makes it fun and
entertaining without degrading the participants. As opposed to that one
novel set at a convention -- what was it?
Lyra: Um... <Looks worried>
Frito: Ya mean _Bimbos of the Death Sun_?
Lyra: <Relieved tone> Oh, that!
Windir: Yes. *That*. <Spits the word out as if it were a bug he
accidentally swallowed.>
Lyra: I read that a couple of years ago! It was pretty funny. <Windir
glares at her> Well, the first time through, anyway.
The auditorium was immense. It looked like it could probably seat
about three hundred people. This was a good thing, as the number of people
in the room must have been pretty close to that already. As I looked around,
I began to notice that, despite being close to capacity, people had managed
to place themselves in distinct groups. Although some groupings were dead
giveaways, (The guys jumping around from desk to desk swinging swords at
each other were blatantly obvious) the purpose of some of the groupings were
totally obscure. I mean, why were a bunch of guys over in the corner bowing
down to a picture of a rather fetching young woman holding a giant spatula?
Bizzare. Really Bizzare. Grade A1 Beef Bizzare.
Frito: Yaay! BEEF BOWL!
Windir: You are not Ataru. Hush.
Lyra: All hail the One Righteous Spatula! <Chuckles> Seriously, the
author's right -- bizarre. Where would you ever find that many anime fans
in one place, short of a convention? <Smiles mischievously> And where are
the Tenchi fans?
Frito: They're prob'ly scared Ryoko'll blow up da building!
Lyra: Or else Mihoshi will accidently set off the building sprinklers...
rather more likely, I think. <Sighs> Yes, I suppose I can understand
that.
Windir: Again, the author does a believable and humorous job of capturing
the feel of a fennish group.
[SKEERWEEEEE-THOMP!]
Feedback raced through the auditorium, slamming into my ears and
jerking me back to consciousness.
Frito: <Clears throat, grinning> "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
And others."
Lyra: <Imitates an embarrassed chuckle> "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say
that some of you are not ladies and gentlemen, it's just that some of us
have brought friends."
Windir: <Suspiciously> Have you been borrowing my Anna Russell album
again?
Lyra: <Grinning broadly> Come on, Windir, you've got to admit it's
perfect for this situation!
Windir: It is another entertaining "president speaks to the group" scene,
yes. And quite well done.
Down at the front of the room, a shortish guy was tapping on the
microphone, looking pointedly at various people around the room. Silence
fell across the room like an anvil, suddenly and painfully. The man looked
satisfied. He began to read from some notes into a microphone.
"Welcome to the first public anime showing at the Unnamed Anime Club!
Greetings, Avatar! Know ye that a new age of enligh... Hey!" He cut short
his speech briefly, then pulled a large mallet out of the podium. Funny,
the podium didn't look big enough to hold a mallet that size.
Frito: Hehehehehehe!
"Um, 'scuze the interruption, guys! I gotta take care of some
personal business here. Frank, roll 'em!" With that, the guy started
running up the auditorium, leaping from desk to desk. He yelled, "I'm
going to kill you, Harlan!" and some guy in the back corner, with one of
the swords in his hand, took off at a dead run.
Frito: Bwa-ha-ha!
Lyra covers her mouth and chuckles, and even Windir tries to suppress a
smile.
Nobody else seemed even
mildly surprised, so I tried to blend with the locals, er, ignored
Windir: "ignore". "Ignore" appears as the counterpart to "blend", and
should therefore be in the same tense. If the author wishes to match
"ignored" with "tried", he should put an additional pause between the
phrases.
the rather obvious weirdness, and sat back as the lights went down
and the first show started.
Lyra: A nicely droll bit here. The whole sentence, that is. <Glares at
Windir for his interruption.>
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Insert MST3K-style commentary on various flics. Or not, depending on my
mood/sense of humor/weirdness level...]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frito: <Chanting> Do it, do it!
Windir: Indeed. If done with the same skill as the rest of the story,
they would be a truly worthy addition.
Lyra: You're not showing just a bit of bias here, are you, guys?
Windir: Er.
Frito: Uhmmmm...
Lyra: All right, I agree it would be funny if done with the same skill.
I got up out of my chair, made my way over to the walkway, and was
promptly trampled by a horde of ravening students.
"Ouch. That hurt." I decided that laying there in pain for a while
would be a good idea. However, someone else apparently had a different idea.
Windir: Another promising indication of the ways anime reality is
beginning to impose on the group. The mallet being the first one, of
course.
"Hey! Tired of being a footmat?" The voice was mildly obnoxious,
just annoying enough that I reached through my pain-filled haze, and lifted
my head.
"Go away, I'm dying here," was my typically witty response. Besides,
the guy was being annoying. Maybe if I made myself too much trouble, he'd
let me stay on the ground and suffer some more. That was not to be.
He looked at me, and I recognized him - he was the guy that the
announcer had chased out of the room earlier. He said, "I can't leave you
dying here... If you died in the room, it would be our fault." He reached
out with his hand. "Here. Let me drag you out into the hallway, and you can
finish dying there, ok?"
"Aw, and I was having so much fun laying here wallowing in my misery.
Well, I give." I reached up, and took his hand. "My name's Mike."
Lyra: Another nice bit of banter.
"Mine's Harlan. Welcome to our club! How do you like the insanity
so far?" he asked as he pulled me to my feet.
"Well, I'm kind of overwhelmed. I mean, the anime is cool and all,
but the people! The things!" I responded.
"The things," he said quietly, "are also people." (Sorry, Mr. Adams!)
Windir: You ought to be.
Lyra: I wonder... what would be the correlation between anime fans and
Hitchhiker's Guide fans?
"Still, it's a little strange. I mean, I really have no idea what
you guys have got going on around here. I came here to watch anime, and I
find something that would probably be worth a Doctoral Thesis to a Cultural
Anthropology major."
"Oh, don't worry about it. It's a little strange at first, but
you'll get used to it. Come on, I'll introduce you to the club president."
Frito: Hey! HEL-LOOOOO! Do ya really *want* ta get used ta this? Think
about it!
Windir: Although one might question *your* authority to make such
statements, Frito, considering...
"So, what's the deal with this alliegance stuff?"
"Well, we have close to four hundred members here. Even inside of
the anime club, there is plenty of room for variety. So a lot of groups
started forming up inside of the UAC. Eventually, there started to political
power plays from some of the groups, some people got pissed off, some people
who started the power plays got booted from the club. Then we found that we
were having so much fun with the clubs-within-a-club that we decided to keep
them. For example, over here," he waived at a large group of people who
seemed to be practically in the middle of a brawl, "we have the I.A.O.S.O.,
or the International Association Of Stormtroopers Of..."
Lyra: As good a description of fan politics as any I've seen, I guess.
I waited for him to finish the sentence, and when he didn't I asked,
"Of whom?"
"Nobody in particular, really. See, a lot of anime characters are
so extremely popular that they develop their own following. The group was
created so that all the different fans could have a common meeting ground.
Unfortunately, the various people tend to be a little... fanatic about
their favorite characters. Right now, I think they're arguing over who's
going to be their representative to the group at large."
I stared at the "argument." It was more like a full-scale riot!
"How long has this fight been going on?" I asked incredulously.
"Oh, two or three months now. Of course it's nowhere near as bad
as the fight they had over the official club mascot."
Frito: I woulda liked ta see that!
As we turned away from the I.A.O.S.O., the wall exploded near
the bottom of the auditorium. Standing in the man-sized hole the explosion
had created was a young asian male, wearing a yellow and black tigerstriped
headband and carrying an umbrella.
I'd had it. I'd finally gone over the edge. It didn't matter any
more how weird things got. I had seen the strange, the even stranger, and
the totally bizzare this evening. Nonchalantly, I turned to Dave, and in
a completely rational voice, asked him, "Don't tell me he's in this club,
too? What group is he a member of? The Psycho Demolition Squad?"
Windir: Yes, indeed... he has, in the vernacular, "lost it."
Lyra: Through madness and out the other side, yes.
Frito: So where are da dried frog pills?
Dave's expression of utter terror clued me in on the answer to my
own question. The only words which escaped his mouth were, "We're all going
to die." He then proceeded to fall to the ground in the fetal position and
suck his thumb.
All three chuckle.
The man looked around the room. Finally, his eyes fell on me. There
was a feral intensity to those eyes, one that paralyzed me. A wave of
intense fury flew across his eyes.
"SAOTOME RANMA, SHI-NE!"
Frito: Uh-oh.
Suddenly, being afraid seemed like a Very Good Idea.
Lyra: You're not kidding!
Deep in the bowls of the college, the unnameable horror twisted it's
mighty bulk around so that it could see the scrying pool without having to
peer between the hundreds of tentacles streaming from what some people might
have mistaken for a face.
In the pool, the image of the auditorium filled with otaku rippled
through. All of them had their eyes focused on the unusual visitor, the one
who had just blasted his way through the wall. Quietly, then with growing
gusto to do Jinnai proud, the nameless horror cackled and thought of the
growing power to be harvested.
Lyra: This part didn't bother me the first time through, but on this
go-round...
Frito: What?
Lyra: Well... for me, the neat part about this story was the way it
started out with silly fannish stuff, and then started turning wierder
with anime elements popping up. To have something sitting around watching
and maybe guiding events... it fit all right the first time through, but
not this one.
Arrg, the first chapter is *DONE!!!* If you'll excuse me, I'm going
to go over in the corner, and laugh to scare Jinnai to death.
Frito: Nah, that ain't nothin'. Laughin' ta scare *Megane*...
The comment at the top about thinking at 3:00am in the Oh my God,
what are we doing up this late 'ning is totally true. (Ten brownie points
to anyone who catches the reference!)
Frito: Ain't no Wedge Rats here!
Windir: Perhaps. However, the statement about 3:00 A.M. is --
Lyra: Completely correct. Not. <Raises an eyebrow and grins wickedly>
[Editor's note: Just so you don't start trying to put *me* at... uh-oh.]
Hopefully, this will turn into some kind of ongoing series, with
crossovers from various series. I promise that this will be the *ONLY*
Ranma 1/2 crossover in the series, (Well, maybe one more. Ya see, there's
this guy in the club who gets along with cats just groovily. In fact, they
tend to follow him around. Say, around twenty to thirty... Are you
pondering what I'm pondering?)
Frito: I think so, Brain, but where are we going to get an android body
and a genius invent'er at this hour of the night?
but just about every other series I've ever
heard of is fair game.
Windir: *Good*. <Starts laughing evilly>
Lyra: <Edging away> Uh... Windir?
*PLEASE* post C&C. I could use it badly!
[Editor's note: Did this help?]
>From a later message:
From: Thane Walkup, inthane@oz.net
Good beginning! Can't wait to see further chapters, or where you go into
more detail describing that various ravening sub-hordes...
Coming soon! The 27th Light Amys Brigade. H.E.N.T.A.I. The Church of the
One Righteous Spatula... And of course, the Peanut Gallery.
Lyra: Uh-oh.
Windir: Do *not* mention certain former politicians from Georgia. You
Will Not Like The Results.
The style is very engaging, sounds similar to the Douglas Adams school of
Descriptive Terminology (Hanging in the air in much the same way as bricks
don't) - So where are you planning to go with this?
Oh, I don't plan on ever leaving the college campus. For the most part,
the story will stay inside of the lecture hall where the UAC meets.
Power levels will remain relatively low, there will be some romance, a
couple cameos by both real and fictional people, and just general all-
around weirdness.
Lyra: Good. A sensible plan, and one that fits the tone I liked so much.
I do wonder where the tentacled ichor beast from Down Below falls into
that picture, though.
BTW, since my writing is sporadic, I'm looking for
someone to brainstorm with; possibly a coauthor...
[Editor's note: So how overstuffed did your mailbox get?]
Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
<http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)
...Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.