Somebody's already written a story along these lines a few
months ago, but I can't remember who it was.

Ross McKenzie did back at the end of March, beginning of April timeframe.
He's without computer access for a month so I've included the story. 


	A long time ago, in the tiny kingdom of Nerima, there lived a very 
cute young woman named Akane.  Her family owned the local dojo, but 
Nerima was a small land, and they had only one student.  His name was Ranma.
	Ranma did odd jobs for Akane's family in exchange for his 
training.  Akane worked him like a slave, saying, "You Jerk, water my 
horse," or, "You Jerk, cut more firewood."
	Ranma always got mad when she ordered him around, muttering, 
"Yeah, whatever, Tomboy," under his breath in response to her commands.
	Time passed, and Akane realized that whenever Ranma said, "Yeah, 
whatever, Tomboy," what he really meant was, "I love you."  Needless to 
say she was surprised.  She was even more surprised the day she realized 
that when she said, "You Jerk," she really meant "I love you, too."
	"I've got no money," Ranma said, "so I'm gonna go to China and 
make a bundle.  Then I'll come back, and we can get married."

	"WAIT!" said the Fen.  "What is this?  Ranma and Akane can't get 
married.  What kind of a story is this?"
	"Just hold your horses.  It gets better.  Trust me."

	Ranma and Akane said their goodbyes, and the Ranma took ship and 
sailed to China.  Unfortunately, he ran afoul of the Dread Amazon Ranko, 
who never took prisoners.

	"Killed by Amazons is good..."

	Akane locked herself in her room and cried (it was a genetic 
trait).  After a month, she realised she had to get on with her life.  "I
must never love again," she declared.
	A short time after that, a proclamation went out through all of 
Nerima.  Prince Kuno was to be married!
	"The majesty of the heavens is unto the splendor of an honorable 
man," he told his subjects when he made the announcement, "and the beauty of
the stars can not compare to thee love in a woman's eyes.  I give you... the
Princess Akane."
	The crowd fell in love with their new princess, but she did not 
share their excitement.  Akane's heart was heavy with despair, and her 
only joy came from jogging through the forest.  One day, when she was far
from the castle, she came upon three strangers."
	"Hello," said their leader, a short-haired girl.  "We are three 
lost accountants, looking for a bank.  Can you tell me, is there a town 
near?"
	"No," said Akane.  "There's nothing around for miles."
	"Good," said the girl.  "Then no one will hear you scream."  One 
of the other two strangers, a boy with prominent fangs, reached out and 
grabbed Akane.  She fainted dead away.

	"Oh, give me a break!" said the Fen.  "Ryoga would never hurt 
Akane.  And since when does she faint?"
	"Uh... dramatic license?"

	When Akane woke up, she was on a boat.  "Ah, I see you are 
awake," announced the mercenary girl.  "Allow me to introduce myself.  I 
am Nabiki.  This is Mousse, and you've already met Ryoga.  As you can 
see, we're miles away from shore, so don't even think about escaping."
	"You'll be sorry when Prince Kuno finds out about this," Akane 
said bravely.  "He's the undefeated kendo champion of Furinkan High."
	"We aren't in Furinkan High," Nabiki said with an evil smile.
	Night fell, and there was no sign of a rescue.  Akane's hopes 
sank, so she tried to escape by jumping overboard.  "After her," Nabiki 
shouted to her crew."
	"I can't swim," said Mousse.  "I turn into a duck."
	"I turn into a pig," said Ryoga."
	"It's impossible to get good help these days," complained 
Nabiki.  She jumped in after Akane and caught her, since the princess 
swam like a hammer.  "Don't try that again," the mercenary told her 
prisoner.
	"I think someone is following us," Mousse announced
	"Put your glasses on, idiot," Nabiki snapped.  "You said that an 
hour ago."
	"No, I think he's right," Ryoga said.  "I see him, too."
	"Inconcievable!  Well, it won't make any difference.  We've 
almost reached the Cliffs of Spam.  Once we do, no one can follow us."
	They reached the Cliffs of Spam.  The other ship followed them.
	"I think he's gaining," said Mousse.
	"Inconceivable!  Well, we'll just have to climb up.  Only Ryoga 
knows the Bakusaitenketsu, so whoever he is, he won't be able to follow us."
	Ryoga blasted chunks out of the rock face and carried the others 
up the cliff.  A woman in a red hooded mask and a red Chinese shirt hopped
out of the other boat and started climbing up after the others, her hands
moving faster than the eye could see.
	"Inconceivable!" shouted Nabiki.
	"I know my Japanese isn't that good," said Mousse, "but I don't 
think that word means what you think it means."
	"Fine," said Nabiki.  "When she gets to the top, kill her, then catch up
with the rest of us."
	"I'm going to fight her without my glasses."
	"We don't have time for this!"
	"It's the only way I'll feel satisfied.  Otherwise it'll be over 
too quick."
	"Have it your way.  Lets go, Ryoga."
	It didn't take long for the mysterious masked stranger to reach 
the top of the cliff.  "Yo," she said when she saw Mousse.  "I take it 
you're here to stop me."
	"That's the idea," Mousse told a nearby boulder.
	"Over here!  Hey, you're pretty blind."
	"I've been this way since birth."
	"You must be pretty good, then."
	"I get by."
	The red-robed mystery woman raised her arms, ready to fight.  
"Let's get this over with."
	"Humor me for a moment, please," Mousse asked.  "You wouldn't 
happen to have purple hair, would you?"
	"Do you always start fights this way?"  The mystery woman pulled 
off her hood, revealing a bright red braid.
	"I'm in love with a purple-haired girl, but I don't know where 
she is.  When I find her I'll say.  'Hello, my name is Mousse.  Shampoo!  
I love you, Shampoo!"
	"Well, I hope you find her."
	"I hope so, too.
	Then they started fighting.  Mousse was good, but the red-haired 
girl was better.  The master of hidden weapons was pushed back, but he 
smiled mysteriously as the woman pressed her attack.
	"Why are you smiling?"
	"Because I know something you do not."
	"What's that?"
	"I'm not really blind."  Then Mousse put his glasses on his face 
and proceeded to turn the tables on the mystery woman.  Soon they were 
fighting by the edge of a convenient hot spring.  The woman was smiling.
	"Why are you smiling?"
	"'Cuz I know something you don't."
	"And that is?"
	"I'm not really a girl."  Then the woman hopped in the spring.  
Out came a dark haired man who proceeded to beat the tar out of Mousse.  
	An hour later, as the mystery man ran past a clump of boulders, a 
bandanna came sailing by and sliced a rock in half.  "Whoa!" said the man.
	"I don't have to miss," said Ryoga.
	"Are you kidding?  You couldn't hit the the broad side of a barn 
if you were inside."
	"Why you!"  Ryoga got mad and attacked, but the mystery man beat 
him up, too.
	Another hour passed.  The mystery man ran around a corner, and 
saw Nabiki and Akane sitting by a boulder.  Nabiki had a knife to the 
princess' throat.  "Not a step closer, or the princess dies."
	"Aw, c'mon," said the mystery man.  He took a step closer.  "I'm 
sure we can make a deal."
	A drop of blood appeared on Akane's skin.  "You're killing her 
with each step.  And besides, I don't think you have enough money to buy 
me off."
	The mystery man shrugged, then took a step closer.  "There's 
other stuff besides money."
	"Tell me another one."  Nabiki looked at the stranger shrewdly.  
"You want to take what I've rightfully stolen.  What could you offer in 
return."
	"Pour the tea," said the man.
	Nabiki did.  The instant she took her knife away from Akane's 
throat, the mystery man knocked her cold.
	"How's that for 'Battle of Wits?'" the man said.  He knelt down 
and untied Akane.  "Come with me," he said.
	"Why should I?" Akane countered.  "I know who you are. You're the 
Dread Amazon Ranko."
	"Amazons are girls, you silly Tomboy."
	"Tomboy?  Ranma, is that you?"
	Ranma took off his mask.  "What took you so long to figure it out?"
	"Well, you were dead."
	"That's nothing.  It happens to the X-men all the time, and they 
get better."
	"Oh."  They started walking, but then Akane tripped over a rock 
and they both fell down a ravine.  This was actually a good thing, since 
Kuno arrived on screen a minute later, and I don't feel like writing Kuno
dialogue.

	"Now you're just making stuff up," the Fen accused.  "This isn't 
how the movie happened."
	"Yeah, but I don't remember this part as well.  It's close 
enough, isn't it?"

	Ranma and Akane had to walk through the Fire Swamp to get out of 
the ravine.  Along the way Ranma had to battle a P.C.S.U (Pervert 
carrying stolen underwear), and he got hurt.
	Ranma also told Akane the story of the Dread Amazon Ranko.  "I got 
the job from when the previous Dread Amazon Ranko retired.  She told me her
name was Cologne, and that she'd been the Dread Amazon Ranko for three
hundred years..."
	Kuno, his henchwoman Shampoo, and a few members of the chemistry 
club were waiting for the couple when they got out.  Ranma was in no 
shape to fight Shampoo, so Akane surrendered.  "I lost you once and I 
almost died.  I couldn't bear to lose you again."  Then Kuno swept her up
and rode away.
	"Shampoo take you back to ship now."
	"What, you think I bought that?  I'm not _that_ stupid."  Then he 
noticed Shampoo's purple hair.
	"What you stare at?" she accused.
	"There's this blind Chinese boy looking for you."
	"Shampoo no want to hear about stupid Mousse."  Then she hit 
Ranma in the head wit a mace.
	When Ranma woke up, he found himself chained to a table.  A young 
woman in a leotard was cleaning his wounds.  "OHOHOHOHOHO," she laughed.  
"Don't even try to escape.  You're in the Pit of Despair, and no one 
ever escapes from the Pit of Despair."
	"So it's to be torture," said Ranma.
	"No..." said Kodachi.  "Not exactly."

	"Stop drooling!  I don't write Lemons."

	Shampoo walked in the room.  "You go away now," she told 
Kodachi.  "Shampoo have work to do."
	"Whatever it is, I can take it," Ranma said bravely.
	"Good," said Shampoo.  She held up a menu.  "Now you tell me what 
taste best..."
	Meanwhile, Akane was not happy.  That was a bad thing, since she 
took her anger out on breakable things, like the castle.  When Kuno asked
her what the problem was, she told him flat out, "I love Ranma, I don't love
you."  Kuno's response was to promise that his four fastest ships would
search for the Dread Amazon Ranko.  He lied, of course.
	The day for the wedding came.  Ryoga, who had been lost in 
Greenland all this time, wandered back to Nerima.  He found Mousse, who 
was sitting alone pining after Shampoo.
	"I wish I knew where the man in red was," Mousse said.  "He beat 
me, he beat you, he even beat Nabiki.  I think he could do anything, even
find Shampoo!"
	Meanwhile, Kuno was having to suffer through another of Akane's 
home-cooked meals.  "Soon, my goddess, we shall away to lands whose beauty
is matched only by you.  No expense has been spared.  Every last ship under
the command of the House of Kuno shall accompany us on our voyage."
	"Right," Akane said.  "I thought you were lying.  You never sent 
my message to Ranma."
	"A warrior of my stature is as far above the truth as a mountain 
is above the sea."
	Akane hit him with a transdimensional hammer.

	"I thought you said Akane wasn't a fighter."
	"I needed to think of something..."

	"I would not do such things if I were you," said Kuno
	Akane hit him again.
	"I would not do such things if I were you," he roared.  Kuno 
grabbed Akane by the arm, dragged her through the castle, then locked her in
her room.  "Satsuke," he called.  "Lock the castle.  Let no one in."
	"Yes, master Kuno."
	Then Kuno took what was left of Akane's food and went to the Pit 
of Despair.  "You love, her, and she loves you.  You could be happy 
together, really, truly, happy.  This only happens in half of all 
Fanfics.  Well, it won't happen here."  Then he force-fed Ranma the food 
he'd brought.
	"No!" shouted Shampoo.  "You ruin all my taste-test results."
	It was worse than that... Ranma screamed once, then died."

	"Died?  Ranma eats Akane's cooking all the time."
	"Yeah, but she was cooking for Kuno this time.  Who knows what 
the results of such a feat could be?"

	Mousse and Ryoga heard the scream.  "This way," the both said, 
pointing in opposite directions (they were both wrong, by the way).
	Kuno went and found the priest, then dragged Akane to the altar.  
"Marry us," he commanded the cleric.  The priest, being good natured, 
held up a wooden sign.  In big, block letters he wrote, "MARRIAGE."
	Mousse and Ryoga found the Pit of Despair, and Ranma's dead 
body.  "We need a miracle," Ryoga said.  "I know where to get them; 
without miracles, I'd never find my way anywhere."
	They took Ranma's body to Miracle Tofu's.  "He's dead, all 
right," said Tofu.  "There's nothing I can do."
	Kasumi walked in the room.  "Are you sure, dear?" she asked.
	"K-K-Kasumi... what a surprise to see you here." He randomly 
started jabbing Ranma's nerve centers.
	"Silly, I'm your wife; I live here."
	"Ouch!" shouted Ranma.  "That hurts!"
	"It's a miracle," said Ryoga.
	"My husband is quite good," said Kasumi.
	Ranma, Ryoga, and Mousse reached the castle.  Ranma didn't feel 
good.  "I feel weak," he said.
	"Well, you've been dead," explained Mousse.
	"That's never stopped me before."  He studied the castle.  "You 
say we've gotta break in, 'cuz Akane's marrying Kuno?"
	"Yes," said Ryoga.  "And Satsuke and the Chemistry club are 
guarding the only gate."
	"Since when could they stop any of us," said Ranma.  Then the 
cursed boys charged, knocking the guards aside like bowling pins.
	Meanwhile, inside the castle, the priest was writing, "THE 
DREAM WITHIN A DREAM."
	Ranma, Mousse, and Ryoga charged through the castle halls.  Ryoga 
promptly got lost, and Mousse ran off, thinking he saw Shampoo.
	Kuno told the priest, "Man and wife.  Say, 'Man and wife,' or 
face the wrath of the House of Kuno."
	The priest mumbled something.  Pandas can't talk, after all.
	Kuno, satisfied that he was now married to Akane, dragged her off 
to her bedroom.  "Stay here while I attend matters, my goddess.  I shall  
return."  Akane threw a fit, then threw furniture, but she couldn't get out
of the room.
	Shampoo, wondering what the ruckus outside was all about, prowled 
through the castle halls.  She ran into Mousse.  "Stupid boy go away," 
she told him.
	Mousse wasn't taking no for an answer.  "Hello, My name is 
Mousse.  Shampoo!  I love you, Shampoo!"
	She hit him in the face.  "Mousse stop saying that."
	"My name is Mousse.  Shampoo!  I love you, Shampoo!"
	She stabbed him with a sword.
	"My name is Mousse.  Shampoo!  I love you, Shampoo!"
	She stabbed him again.
	"My name is Mousse.  Shampoo!  I love you, Shampoo!"
	"Aagh!"  Shampoo couldn't take any more of this, so she ran 
away.  Mousse ran after her, and the two were never seen in this Fanfic 
again.
	Meanwhile, Akane was wondering if there was anything left in her 
room to throw.  "Are you done yet?" Ranma asked.
	"Ranma!  You're here!"  There was some hugging.  "Oh, Ranma, I'm 
sorry.  I married Kuno!"
	"No you didn't!"
	"But there was a panda.  And he had signs."
	"That's just my pop.  He's not a real priest."
	"Then I shall deal with him afterwards," Kuno said.  He stepped 
into the room, bokken in hand.  "Saotome, prepare yourself."
	"Oh, give it up, Kuno," said Ranma.  "There isn't a Fanfic 
universe made where I can't beat you."

	"How come they know they're Fanfic characters now?"
	"Because I don't remember the dialogue to this part of the movie 
all that well."

	"Ah!" shouted Kuno.  "But I have had my court wizard study this 
matter.  Gosunkugi!  Explain!"
	"Y-yes.  Well, Ranma, you were mostly dead, and so you don't have 
your full strength back.  Kuno is a prince in this world, so he should win
this fight.  S-sorry!"
	"So?  I'm not playing by Ross' stupid rules."  Then Ranma hit 
Kuno with his hurricane attack, knocking him out of the story.  "Good.  
That's done."
	"Now we can get married," said Akane."
	"Married?  Why would I marry a Tomboy like you?"
	Akane blinked as the effects of having Buttercup's persona added 
to her psyche wore off.  "Jerk.  You've spoiled the mood."
	Ranma looked at his feet.  "Yeah, I did.  I'm sorry, Akane."
	Akane blinked again.  "You apologized?"
	"Hey!  I'm not always a jerk."
	"Ahem!" said Ross.  "This is my story... well, S. Morganstern 
wrote the plot, and Rumiko Takahashi came up with the characters, but I'm
the one who sat here and typed it out for the past three hours.  My arms
hurt, my eyes hurt, I'm tired, and I'm starting to get silly.  The least you
can do is play along for another few lines."
	"I guess," said Ranma.
	"Good."  In the history of the world, there have been five perfect 
kisses...
	"You never said anything about kisses!" yelled Ranma.
	"Fine!  If you don't want to kiss her, then you don't.  The end."
	"You don't want to kiss me?" asked Akane.  She reached into 
hammerspace. 
	"I didn't say tha-" CRUNCH!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

	I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had thinking it up.  
The basic idea of transmogrifying _The Princess Bride_ came to me last 
night, and it wouldn't leave my head all day.  Well, now it's out, and 
hopefully I can get back to homework.
	This isn't up to my usual standards of prose, but it was rushed.  
Sorry about any type-o's, word-o's, & grammar-o's.  Oh, and all you Ukyou
fans, I'm sorry, but there wasn't space for everyone's favorite okonomiyaki
chef.
	Hopefully, I can get some more work done on Descents and 
Inversions this weekend...
 ______
{B-{=__
rmckenzi@euclid.ucsd.edu : The White-Robed Mathematician

Robin
work: robin@quintar.com   home: robdpage@ix.netcom.com