From:        The Blue Tigress, sapphire@uclink.berkeley.edu

On Sun, 23 Jun 1996, Travis Butler wrote:

Lyra: <Woebegone look> Oh, dear. <Lays down her cards.> All I've got is a 
pair of ones... oh, and another pair of ones.

Good going, Lyra! ^_-

She does have a talent for that, does she not? As well as good taste in 
classic Bugs Bunny cartoons. :)

Lyra: I hate to say it, but I think the prologue stretches on just a 
little too long. It'd be funnier if it were tightened up a bit.

A little tighter and it would be a summary.

I'm not really sure why I reacted so strongly to the prologue this time 
around; I don't remember feeling this way about it in the earlier 
versions. Perhaps it was the knowledge of what comes later? ;> 

Frito: Yeah! Where'd those attakin' troops come from? They pop up outa 
nowhere, zap the lab, and poof out again! 

Now when did everything need an explicit reason? If you really need a
reason, I suppose I could stick in a few words so you know why the
invaders are attacking. Btw, those invaders have evolved from the KS
themselves to another branch of Genom Labs to anti-science fanatics and
finally to just some unnamed troops.

I suppose part of it is that the prologue feels manufactured; put 
together to move the plot, not flowing out of the plot. What you say 
about how the invaders have changed just reinforces this. Who they are 
doesn't seem to matter; they have no importance in and of themselves, and 
seem to exist just to cause the accident. 

Windir: Indeed. The whole raison d'etre of the prologue is that the 
Warners are created through a glitch in the Genom manufacturing plant; 
there's no need to expand it beyond the minimum necessary to establish 
that fact, unless it is truly funny. And sadly, this is not, In My Humble 
Opinion.

It wasn't supposed to be funny. It was just supposed to show the origins
of the Warners with a vague MegaTokyo feel to it. I do think I should have
made it darker though.

Well... substitute "interesting" for "funny." ;>

Seriously, I realized after the fact that you might be trying to 
establish a serious tone in the prologue to contrast or break up with the 
Warners themselves. Unfortunately, that didn't work for me; I knew it 
involved the Warners, and so was expecting something funny from the 
start. I wonder if I'm the only goof who felt this way. <rueful grin>

Lyra: Hmmm... the idea is to startle the tech, so he glitches the 
computer, and also drive everyone out of the lab, right? Why not just 
have a reactor accident, or something like that? It could even contribute 
to the computer glitch.

I like the scientist. Someone to blame is always good. Besides, I have
plans for that scientist. He's the only one who knows what he had typed in
and what databases he accessed that night.

Ah. That feels a little better. :)

[While the buma stands there processing this very cute request through 
his CPU, 

Frito: Hey, can ya say that differently? It sounds kinda clunky.

How about "[While the buma tries to process this very cute request,"?

Yes, that's better. Less awkward.

Windir: Indeed. A story should attempt to spend most of its time in the 
areas where it is "at home," so to speak. In this case, the strengths of 
this story are the madcap antics of the Warners, and their humorous 
juxtaposition with the normally serious and dark BGC universe. Therefore, 
the story should spend the most time in the parts that contribute this to 
the story -- such as the antics of the surgery scene -- and less time in 
the areas that do not, such as the prologue. For that matter, examine the 
Warners' real origin story. It *is* told in a narratorial style, but with 
emphasis on how they affected the studio and not on their actual creation.

I suppose the surgery would flow more smoothly without the summary. I just
have a slight problem dealing with visual gags in a script. 

Just keep on going like you were. :) 

Yakko: Horn!

Wakko: <Pulls it out and peers into the mouth.> Honk Honk! <Nods, and 
hands it to Yakko> Horn.

Windir: <Dryly> Thank you very much.

Lyra: He's right, you know. <Sigh> Hmmm... speaking of narratorial voice, 
perhaps the prologue would work better if there were an actual narrator? 
Like that part in the origin story?

It might but I wanted to see if I could do it without any narrator. Once
the story is done (whenever that is), I might put the narrator in for the
prologue if I don't like the current one with the whole story.

Whatever feels right. :) 

Quincy (looking at Mason):  I want those Warner kids captured and analyzed.
       I also want to know where they came from.  Their strange 
       abilities of matter materialization and of reprogramming a buma 
       so quickly would be useful to Genom.

Frito: Clunk! Clunk! Clunk!

Lyra: It *does* sound like Windir, doesn't it? <Grins mischievously at 
him>

I'm not very familiar with how Quincy talks. I didn't really want him to
just say "Get them" or "I want them".  How about just the first sentence?
"I want those Warner kids captured and analyzed."

That would work. You might try adding in some body language -- thoughtful 
looks, tapping chin, that sort of thing. :)

Daley: Sorry, Chief, three bumas have gone rogue and are destroying 
      downtown MegaTokyo!

Frito: Yeah, like what else is new? Tell us somethin' we *don't* know!

Lyra: It is a bit redundant.

I guess it is. But I think Daley would be semi-polite to the Chief.

True. It's just that rogue bumas are the ADP's stock-in-trade, so I 
wouldn't think Daley would put it as a general statement. I would have 
expected something more like "Sorry, Chief, but we've got three rogue 
bumas tearing up <insert favorite landmark here>."

Windir: I think the difficulty with the Patton speech is that it comes 
across as *too* serious; the irony or exaggeration you'd hear in the 
vocal tones, to offset the seriousness of the words themselves, is 
missing in this medium. 

Hmm...I suppose it might. When I read, it's as if I'm hearing the words
spoken so a toneless reading is hard for me to do.

I tried to imagine the voices as they spoke, but I had trouble keeping it 
up through the length of the speech.

Yakko: Now I want you to remember that no toon ever won a laugh by being
      boring.  You won it by making a poor dumb sucker blow up or get
      flattened.

Lyra: Like this, for example? 

Windir: Exactly. Saying "blow up or get flattened" comes entirely too 
close to "real" war, and does not really fit the light tone of the story.

I can't really think of anything to replace that sentence at the moment.
If there are no suggestions and I can't come up with anything, I'll
probably just delete that sentence.

Hmmm. How about "You won it by being the prat of all falls!"? <Ducking 
tomato>

      My God, I actually pity those poor suckers we're going up
      against. My God, I do. We're not just going to shoot them,
      we're going to anvil them flat and use them as the treads of our
      tanks. 

Frito: Uh, yeah... I guess this does sound too real violent, not fake 
violent.

Lyra: I'd substitute some sillier reference myself -- "anvil them flat 
and use them for frisbees," for example.

I like your frisbee idea. ^_^ How about "We're not just going to fire
waterguns at them, we're going to anvil them flat and use them for
frisbees."? 

That works. :) Or how about "We're not just going to spray them with 
seltzer bottles <pulling one out and spritzing Wakko>, we're going to 
anvil them flat and use them for frisbees!"?

Nene: Aren't those the kids who defeated those three rogue bumas the 
     other day?

Lyra: You think they'd *know* that they were! Getting involved with them 
isn't something you're likely to forget.

Well, this chapter was actually written before the previous one. This was
a pretty lame attempt to tie the chapters together. How about "Hey, those
are the kids who defeated those three rogue bumas the other day!"?

Again, that works. :)

Frito: Hmmm... ya know, dis is a great chance for some gags about their 
secret identities... can ya imagine them tryin' ta persuade the Warners 
to keep quiet about it?

That comes later. The Warners don't know about it yet.

Ahhhhh. <Devilish grin>

They run in and 
are soon obscured by another dust cloud.  When the dust settles, the 
apartment looks as before and the Warners are standing in the middle of 
the room looking at Nene.]

Lyra: I've got to agree with the poster who suggested she ask to keep the 
apartment the same size. <Gets a wistful look> An apartment the size of 
an amusement park...

Hmm... I must have missed that post. Sounds like a good idea. Thanks to
whoever suggested it! I wouldn't mind having an apartment that size
either. ^_^

I don't remember who it was, though I think it was a her. I thought I 
remembered you responding, too... <Wincing> My head hurts. :)

Dot (pinching Leon's cheek): Only for a while, Cutie. I'll be back before
   you know it! (disappears)

Lyra: I'm not sure why, but this doesn't seem right somehow.

It seems all right with me. Was it what Dot said or her popping up like
that?

What she said... and I'm still not sure why. Groan. I *hate* it when this 
happens... which is why I spend so much time trying to analyze writings 
-- self-defence. When something in a story bothers me in a story I like, 
it eats at me until I figure out why. :(

Lyra: All right, all right! <Reaches out to stop Windir> I thought the 
story did an excellent job of capturing the feel of Anamaniacs, slipping 
in only a few places, and was very funny. 

Thank _you_ for the comments and suggestions. ^_^

You're welcome. :)

Frito: Yeah, now I wanna know where the author's goin' from here!

For that, you'll have to wait for the next chapter, whenever I find some
time to write it and barring writer's block and other natural and
unnatrual interruptions. ^_^

Hmmm. Which category does Damon fall into? <g,d,r>



Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
 tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
 <http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
 Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)

...Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.