You wrote:

     Well, here it is.  This is the first draft of my first fanfic, so I 
hope it is good.  Anyway, please comment/criticize/etc.

I haven't given criticism for a long time, 'cause I feel a bit 
uncomfortable about it...  Well, okay, here it is:

Plot was intriguing, typical BGC "what-a-tangled-web-we-weave" stuff. 
I'm not exactly sure where you can go from here, but it will be 
interesting to find out.

One thing: I'm not sure Sylia would have broken down like that.  She 
would have been crushed by such a development, true, but she 
considers herself the Knight's pillar of strength and would most 
likely do her crying elsewhere.  If there was a confrontation between 
Sylia and Priss, I'd expect it to go the other way, with Priss 
berating Sylia for being too cold.

Now the hard part: you need to work on your style a little more.  
The structure is awkward in places and the dialogue sometimes seems a 
little forced.  In one spot, you have a three-way conversation 
that needs more attributions (e.g. "Priss said"); I lost track of who was 
talking.

Prose can be damned difficult to write.  I know it can take me hours 
to write just a couple of pages.  Keep working on it!

------RM