Date: Sun, 02 Jun 1996 19:45:55 -0400
   From: PhoneyNT <we436@freenet.victoria.bc.ca>

   >>Well? Whatcha think? Do I pump these out too frequently? Will
   >>anyone even read this fic or just delete it like it seems is
   >>happening a lot on the FFML?

   >I liked it! A lot! There were a few spelling errors and whatnot (and
   >I don't think I have ever seen a first draft without one). Is there
   >more or is the end one of those "so guess what happens" kind of thing?

   it was supposed to be obvious that ranma was ready to speak his mind.

I thought so, but --- with Ranma, you never can tell :-)

Perhaps a bit more build up is called for.

Maybe you can figure out a way to show a bit more of a progression in
Ranma's interior thoughts and feelings, or, rather simply focus a bit
more on that; there's *lots* of interesting things happening in this
story, enough for 2 or 3 fanfics, and I think that might be
distracting from the main line of the story.

We've got the Ranma opening up drama, which is well done (you know
(and not just in the fanfic world), the man has the patience of a
saint when you look that things on a long term scale).

The Kasumi drama, with some interesting as well as some distrubing
things that aren't entirely followed up on (perhaps just as well).

And the ramifications of the Nabiki disaster are so great it's perhaps
disproportionate (sp.); perhaps something subtler is called for in
this fanfic. (and the perp needs greater motivation to do something
that drastic).

One thing you can do if you want to flog the Kasumi angle is to have a
series of connected stories that have her focuing on the many people
who could benefit.... e.g. ought not Akane get some focused attention
to help things along at some point?

   >Please write more, PNT!

   as if i wasn't going to. :P

Good!

					- Harold