On Mon, 20 May 1996, Mr. the Rutsch wrote probably one of the silliest 
lemons since "Lemonade."

Criticisms, though: Ranma seems a tad too reflective here, and is more 
eloquent and has a larger vocabulary than he usually does. For instance:

     And it isn't just at the melodramatic moments, either.  It's just
been a few days since the last time.  We were at the park.  Akane had
gone through a difficult day, so to let off a little steam she was
goofing around some on the playground.  You know...going down the
slide, climbing the beams and ladders, like a little kid or something.
I wish you could have seen it.  She was so beautiful.  There was this
big smile on her face...obvious elation at long-forgotten childhood
pleasures.  She so easily tossed her worries aside.  I wish I could do
that.  It was so beautiful in her.  Oh god.  I almost told her I loved
her.  And I couldn't.  I started the sentence.  But I couldn't finish.
And when she prompted me to continue...I just yelled at her.  Oh
god...

   "Obvious elation at long-forgotten childhood pleasures?" Ranma doesn't 
talk like that, does he? Most people don't; certainly Ranma doesn't.
   He's a little wordy too, wordier than normal.
   Example above: "Akane had gone through a difficult day..."
   I'd have Ranma just say something like "Akane'd had a bad day..."
   Or Akane outside the school, in what was otherwise a great scene:

"Don't pretend disinterest, Ranma.  I know you want to."  She
approached me.  I didn't know how to react!  How was I supposed to
react?  I ran away.

"Pretend disinterest?" I'd have Akane say something like "Don't pretend 
you're not interested, Ranma." I can imagine Akane saying "interested." 
"Disinterest" is a little harder to imagine her say.

   My point in sum: have characters speak as naturally and in character 
for them as you can, unless their character calls for verbosity (e.g. 
Tatewaki Kuno).

   BTW, what does the title mean? (It mystified me completely, though 
perhaps I wasn't paying enough attention to the story. Titles nobody 
understands aren't very effective; you might want to change it.)

Paul Corrigan
budgie@insomnia3.dorms.utoledo.edu