(This wasn't supposed to take nearly this long to get out. Gomen. Hope
it's worth the wait.)
We return to the theatre to find Frito arguing (big surprise!) with Lyra,
the new member of the review team.
Lyra: I still don't understand why you didn't keep going after them.
Frito: Hey, I *told* ya they kicked me back inta the theatre! By the time
I got back out, they was already outa sight... and I ain't no
cross-country racer!
Lyra: <Sigh> Well, I suppose it's too late to do anything about it now.
What did they want?
Frito: I *told* ya, they said they somethin' about a review! It ain't
like they were big on conversation or nothin'!
Lyra: <In tones of strained patience> They were *kidnappers*. Kidnappers
*want* something, or else they'd just shoot the victim then and there.
Why would they want Windir?
Frito: Ya got me! <With heavy sarcasam> It ain't like they could actually
*want* a review, now, or they woulda taken me!
The theatre phone begins ringing. Frito goes over to answer it.
Frito: Hello? ... WINDY! It's you!
Lyra: Put him on the speakerphone!
Frito hits the speakerphone button.
Windir: Ah, Frito. It's... it's... ah... <Lowered voice> well, actually
*good* to talk to you.
Frito facefaults.
Frito: Are they holdin' a gun to your head or somethin'? They're gonna
have to do better than *that*!
Windir: No, I'm... <Sigh> afraid it's true.
Voice 1: All right, now you know he's unharmed. Now we get to what we
want.
Lyra pulls off her left forearm, which appears to be some kind of
prosthetic device. She pulls another forearm out of her green combat
suit, and puts it on; this one appears to have a set of micromanipulators
on the end. She holds a finger to her lips as Frito starts and moves back
a little.
Lyra: <Whispered> Hush. I'm going to try and trace the call. <She gently
removes a service panel from the wall, and attaches a set of clips from
her artifical arm to the phone wires. She then starts punching a set of
controls on the arm.> Stall them.
Frito: So what *do* ya want?
Voice 1: We want a review.
Frito doubles over with laughter. Lyra covers her eyes and shakes her
head ruefully, before looking back at a readout on her arm.
Frito: <Gasping for breath> You want a *review*?!? All ya hadda do was
ask!
Voice 1: We're... familiar... with your usual lackadaisical attitude to
review schedules. We decided it would be best to apply some incentive.
Windir: Indeed. I'm afraid, however, that you completely neglected the
true relationship between the artist and his art. One cannot simply
*force* creativity.
Voice 1: And just how much "creativity" can we inspire with *this*?
Windir: AAAUUUUGHGHHHHHHHH!
Frito: WINDY! <Growling> If you guys hurt him, I'm gonna...
Windir: <Shaken> No... I'm all right. It was horrible... it was...
Lyra: What?
Windir: A... a... "Dragon Pink" video.
Lyra shudders. Frito, on the other hand, leers.
Frito: <Snicker> Hey, that ain't half bad...
Lyra: Hentai! <Slaps Frito>
Windir: And who, pray tell, is that charming young lady?
Lyra: Uh... hello. My name is Lyra, and --
Frito: She's the new member the boss sent over to join the team.
Voice 1: All right, knock it off! Now listen. We tried a review with just
your friend here, and it didn't work out. So now we're bringing you in on
it. Finish the review and do it right, and we release him.
Frito: Alright, just whadda ya want us to review?
Dark Streamline A.D. Viz-ion Image Entertainment presents...
A "Not-Bloody-Likely" Production
======================================================================
----------- THE GREAT ANIME CROSSOVER FROM HELL!!! -----------
======================================================================
by Erin Mills and Christopher Willmore, Founders of the
'Anything-Goes School of Indiscriminate Fanfic Writing'!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
With apologies to the creators of the characters herein.
Lyra: Hey, I read those! This could be fun. But why did they need to --
Frito: Why ask why? <Cackles> This is *gonna* be fun...
Windir: In order to give this review at least *some* sense of timeliness,
we shall concentrate on the two most recent episodes, number 5 and number
6. This will require a certain amount of summary to catch the readers up
to the point at which we will begin.
Voice 1: All right, we can give you --
Windir: AHEM. "In the Beginning, the Universe was created. Dust clouds,
stars and galaxies appeared from nothing, formed from the ether of the
cosmic firmament. Planets appeared by many of these stars, circling them
as their appointed role in the cosmic dance. One planet in particular had
something to set it apart... a small blue-green planet orbiting a
third-rate star in the western spiral arm of an unimportant little galaxy
called the Milky Way. A planet known as... Earth."
Frito: Hey, just how many sci-fi shows did ya crib from ta make that up?
Windir: Frito, you...
Voice 2: Are you *sure* this was a good idea?
Voice 1: I'm afraid we're stuck with it now.
[Editor's note: The real story so far: Anime characters have started
appearing in Washington, D.C., complicating the life of student Aaron
Miller... characters to date including Ranma, Akane, Ukyou, Ryoga, Gally,
the Sailor Senshi, Lupin III, and several of the Robotech characters...
all apparantly part of a sinister plot by the "Man in the Black Cloak."]
Windir: <In a dry voice, not diminished by the speakerphone> Many thanks,
oh editor.
Lyra: Is he always like that?
Frito: He gets worse. Trust me.
***** EPISODE V: HAPPY HAPPI'S JOY, JOY! *****
----------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS EPISODE IS DEDICATED TO 'THE OSMIUM PAIR' (WE RAN OUT OF GOLD):
Joyce 'Azusa' Meadows and 'Joey-kun' Torres
----------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTES, QUOTES, MOTES, AND SHOATS:
Time: immediately after the end of ep. 4
"Reading fanfics by moonlight;
Skipping classes by daylight;
Never running from a sig fight,
She is the one called Sailor Slack!"
-Joyce 'Azusa' Meadows
Windir: Eyahhhhhhhh! <Clunk>
Voice 2: Hey, does this guy have something against Sailor Moon?
Frito: What?
Voice 2: He just fainted.
Frito: Oh, just wave a bottle a Perryer under his nose.
He was floating through space, content to float without any
actual rush to be anywhere. He just wanted to bask in the golden
light.
Hold it.
Aaron floated upright, looking for the source of the light. There
was something disturbingly familiar about this set up...
Frito: You said it, buddy! This has gotta be the most hackneyed,
overused...
Windir: Perhaps that was the *point*, Frito?
Lyra looks back and forth between Frito and the speakerphone.
Lyra: <Whispered> Does he really look *that*... well, you know...
Frito: <Rolling his eyes and nodding> Uh-huh. I hate ta say it, but he's
even *right* a lotta the time.
<There is an entity that has found a way to bridge the gaps
between the various forms of Reality. He has used this power to send
those you have met and others over to your world>
"And what am I supposed to do?"
<You must find all of those he has sent over, unite them and
challenge him in his own world>
Frito: Obligatory plot exposition #419! Couldn't ya have found a way ta
make this *interestin'*?
Windir: You must understand, Frito, that revelation through a dream
sequence is a time-honored literary tradition, tracing its line of
descent back through the Bible and before, and therefore we should accord
it at least some degree of respect...
Frito: I don't care about no "literary tradition"! All I wanna know is,
is it funny!
Lyra: <Looking up from the increasingly complicated breadboard she's
developing> I'm afraid it's not.
F**ker groaned.
"Great, two nutcase teenage exorcists to
deal with," he thought. "Usag-Serena, Minmei, Rick, Sheet and Lisa
run off. Gloval out like a light. On the whole, I'd rather be with
Nina."
Windir: I can't say that I blame him. A rather unpalatable fate.
The cell door opened.
"All right, Miller," said Mallory. "You can go,"
"What?"
"The charges have been dropped, get outta here,"
Aaron walked out of the cell confused. He was even more confused
when Zenigata was thrown forcefully into a cell three doors down.
"What's going on?"
"Interpol has never heard of this Lupin III or Zenigata. No
record, no case," said Mallory, a little angry. "Makes me sick."
"What? That Zenigata wasn't who he said he was?"
"No, that you have to be released. Now, get out!"
Windir: I'm afraid this is a bit hard to swallow. Regardless of the
"detective"'s standing with Interpol, the Hope Diamond was indeed stolen,
and Aaron was caught in the vicinity of the theft. A remarkably
suspicious set of circumstances, and the false identity of Zenigata would
not change that.
Frito: Yeah, but he *did* ask that guy about where the diamond was, and
said the fumigation team was fake [in the previous episode... Ed.]... he
should'na tipped 'em off if he was workin' with the crooks.
Lyra: I don't think it matters either way -- the fact that you're arguing
about it proves that something needs to be fixed.
Voice 2: I'm not sure the way these two argue can be used as proof of
*anything*.
Lyra: You should have thought of that before you kidnapped him, then.
"Nyah!" Mars nyahed. "You missed,"
"Not completely," said Yohko, pointing at Mars's arm. Mars looked
down and saw a rivulet of blood roll down her arm.
"AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!" she cried "BLOOD!! I'M BLEEDING!!!!!"
Everyone else in the immediate vicinity looked at her. Yohko
stared, wide eyed.
"SOMEBODY GET A DOCTOR!!!" Mars wailed. "I'M BLEEDING TO
DEATH!!! I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE!!!! WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Frito: Ah, waah yourself.
Windir: <Sounding as puzzled as one can sound over a speakerphone> Is the
character *really* that much of a whiner?
Lyra: She sounds like Usagi. <She adjusts a dial on her mechanism, and a
feedback hum comes from the speakerphone; she quickly turns it back down.>
"Oh, for F**k's sake," said Yohko.
F**ker turned to look at her, and raised an eyebrow.
"You called?" he asked.
"Not YOU!" she shouted. "Now, leave me alone, will you? I'm BUSY!"
"Gomen."
Frito: He heheheh...
She raised the glowing sword over of her head and with one swing,
neatly severed Mars's head from the rest of her.
Mars's body began to quiver and shake violently. It began to
smoke and sputter and smell a great deal. Then the whole body
collapsed in a pile of ash, leaving only Mars's shoes intact.
"There can be only one!" F**ker said, caught up in the moment.
Frito: Ka-ching! But where's da farmhouse?
Windir: What?
Lyra: I think that's only if you *flatten* them, Frito.
Sailor Mercury looked at the pile of ashes that had been Sailor
Mars, and began to quiver with rage. Narrowing her eyes, she glared
evilly at Yohko.
"I am Sailor Mercury!" she said. "You killed my team-mate.
Prepare to die."
Lyra: I thought that was supposed to be the six-fingered man? <Pauses in
thought> Hmmm, maybe I'm getting the hang of this business.
Frito: You're pickin' up the jokes faster than Windy did, anyway!
"Die, devil!" The Mamono Hunter rushed at the blue-haired
girl, waving her blade back and forth. Just as she was about to
connect, the Sailor pressed the trigger on the plastic gun. A stream
of coloured, glowing bubbles rushed out, and pushed her foe back about
twenty metres.
"I can't believe this is happening!" yelled Yohko. "Those
are BUBBLES! How can they stop me?" She frowned, and resolved to try
it again.
"Die, devil!" The Mamono Hunter rushed at the blue-haired
girl, waving her blade back and forth. Just as she was about to
connect, the Sailor pressed the trigger on the plastic gun. A stream
of coloured, glowing bubbles rushed out, and pushed her foe back about
twenty metres.
"I can't believe this is happening!" yelled Yohko. "Those
are BUBBLES! How can they stop me?" She frowned, and resolved to try
it again.
Frito: We get the point, already!
"Die, devil!" The Mamono Hunter rushed at the blue-haired
girl, waving her blade back and forth. Just as she was about to
connect, the Sailor pressed the trigger on the plastic gun. A stream
of coloured, glowing bubbles rushed out, and pushed her foe back about
twenty metres.
"I can't believe this is happening!" yelled Yohko. "Those
are BUBBLES! How can they stop me?" She frowned, and resolved to try
it again.
Windir: No, I believe we do need the third repetition to establish that
the second repetition was not a fluke... However, I think it would be
better for everyone (especially *them*) if the authors shortened the
amount of repeated text.
From the wreck of the SDF-1, Roy F**ker sighed, and continued
to watch. For a fight between two super-powered, scantily-clad,
adolescent girls, this was surprisingly boring.
Frito: It took ya *this* long ta figure that out?
Minmei was now standing in front of F**ker. She was standing
still. Normally, this would be everyday enough to escape mention, but in
this case, the fact that she was standing still was rather...
Disconcerting...
"Minmei, you DO realise that there are probably laws against indecent
exposure here..."
Minmei giggled, and nodded.
"And you DO realise that you're... Um... Missing your shirt? AND
your bra?"
Minmei giggled, and nodded. She liked doing that.
Frito: <Snicker>
Windir: <Dryly> What, no "woo, woo"? No "Take it off, baby!"?
Lyra: I think she's already done that.
Windir: Undoubtedly a sight that would attract attention in Washington,
D.C.
Lyra: Not really.
"Die, devil!" The Mamono Hunter rushed at the blue-haired
girl, waving her blade back and forth. Just as she was about to
connect, the Sailor pressed the trigger on the plastic gun. A stream
of coloured, glowing bubbles rushed out, and pushed her foe back about
twenty metres.
"I can't believe this is happening!" yelled Yohko. "Those
are BUBBLES! How can they stop me?" She frowned, and resolved to try
it again.
F**ker sighed. Some people just NEVER gave up...
Frito: Includin' the authors?
Windir: <Warningly> Frito...
Lyra: I think you're right; they should cut down on the repeated part of
the scene. Less tiring.
"What nice man? Oh, I don't know his name... But he said I was
pretty, and when I said I wanted to order out food but didn't have any
money,"
"Let me guess," interrupted F**ker. "He told you he'd pay you if
he let yourself be tickled while you lay on your back."
Minmei's eyes widened.
"Can YOU read minds TOO???"
F**ker shook his head. He always KNEW something like this would
happen...
Frito: Bwa-ha-hahahaha!
Lyra shakes her head with a rueful grin.
Lyra: <Muttering to herself> You *knew* what you were getting into,
girl...
"I can't believe this is happening!" yelled Yohko. "Those
are BUBBLES! How can they stop me?" She frowned, and resolved to try
it again.
<At least it looks like they're getting tired,> thought F**ker.
Windir: <Dryly> As is the audience.
"But what will we DO??? We're in America, and we can't even buy
ICE CREAM!" pouted Minmei.
"I hear Baskin-Robbins delivers..." said Serena. "At least, that's
what it says on the ads over satellite..."
"You watch the ads?" asked F**ker.
"I tape them," answered Sailor Moon.
Windir: Why am I not surprised?
Lyra: I thought you said you didn't watch that show?
Windir: Er... <embarrassed cough> well...
Frito: You mean they tied ya up and made ya watch 'em ta get ready for
the review? <Winks at Lyra>
Windir: Um... <relieved sigh> Yes... yes, that's right.
Frito: Anyway, <snicker> this was a good bit.
"Maybe they're having a promotion!" said Lusheeta
enthusiastically.
"Promotion?" Both of the others were puzzled.
"Yeah! I'll bet it's written backwards!"
"Why?"
"It's probably like a code, or something, and they'll give
a free ice cream cone to anyone who breaks it!"
"REALLY?" asked Minmei.
"FREE ICE CREAM?" asked Usagi.
Windir: Er... shouldn't that be Serina?
Lyra: Don't knock it, it's funny.
Frito: Just da kinda thing they'd think, too!
Windir: Yes, Frito, I'm sure you're... ah, *intimately* acquainted with
that mindset.
Lyra: Frito.. you wouldn't!
Frito manages to chuckle with a leer.
Windir: <Sounding embarrassed> No, that wasn't what I meant... <Frito
laughs louder; Windir sounds desperate> Truly, it wasn't!
The phone began to glow blue.
Serena dropped the handset.
As it fell, the receiver began to emit bright beams of azure
energy, which eventually lifted the phone from its supports. The machine
twirled in mid-air, creating a luminescent hurricane. After almost
half a minute of pyrotechnics, the lights died down, and a tattooed
figure stood before the trio.
"Hi!" said the newcomer, putting down her cup of ice cream
momentarily. "You've reached the goddess help hotline. Skuld, at your
service."
Frito: Well, they got their Baskin-Robbins!
<She just doesn't look right...> whispered Minmei to Serena.
<I KNOW! Look at that clothes! And those SHOES... Even _I_ don't
dress that badly...>
<We've done something bad, haven't we?> chimed in Lusheeta.
"Well?" The patron goddess of physics undergrads tapped her foot
impatiently. "Which one of you made the wish?"
"Wish?"
"Which one of you called me? Hurry up! I don't have all day, you
know..."
The topless Minmei, Sheeta, and Sailor Moon began to sweat.
Profusely. Anxiously, they looked at each other, then nodded, before
pointing to F**ker in unison.
"HE DID!" they said.
Frito: He likes it! Hey Mikey!
Windir: I'm not sure if our audience will relate to the punch line of an
obscure cereal commercial, Frito... I rather doubt they have quite the
memory for bad advertising that you do. Thank goodness.
Lyra: It *was* funny, though.
F**ker continued watching the fight, sadly. Nothing had changed.
Just the same old thing... Rush, slash, blast, back. Rush, slash, blast,
back. How much BLOOD did that blue-haired girl HAVE in her, anyway?
Seemed like she'd already spilled more than twelve gallons...
He sighed.
"Now I REALLY wish I with Nina..."
Frito: Oops! Hehehe...
"That must have hurt..." remarked Minmei.
Frito: You ain't kiddin'! OW!
"Hey, look!" Lusheeta pointed at what was left of Mercury's body.
Only her boots were sticking out from under the mobile battle suit.
"Isn't she SHRINKING?" Indeed she was. The body underneath the clothes
shrivelled up, until all that was left was a pair of empty boots, a
crushed bubble blaster and a transformation wand. The Queen of Laputa
tugged at the ghost-pilot's shirtsleeve. "F**ker! F**ker! What's wrong?"
Windir: I believe this was the "Dorothy" reference you were looking for,
Frito.
"Nina! It's F**ker!" he shouted. From the top of the 'mech,
Nina Purpleton began to wave. When she saw who was BEHIND her
acquaintance, however, the friendly greeting gesture stopped, and
instead she pulled out a very large, very powerful-looking blaster
and jumped down to intercept him.
"F**KER NO HENTAI! What's the idea two-timing me? Is it my
imagination, or is that LYNN MINMEI behind you?!?!?"
Lyra: Funny how people always seem to make that assumption when she's
around. <Smiles secretively>
"What's wrong with her?" asked Nina. "Did someone slip
a cabbit in her dress?"
Lyra smiles and muffles a chuckle with her hand.
Lyra: Shouldn't that be ferrets?
Frito: Huh?
Windir: An obscure Doctor Who reference. The best kind, I assure you.
"I get the picture, Roy." Her eyes narrowed. "Now, back to the
topic at hand..." She raised her blaster.
"I can explain!" said F**ker.
"I'll LOVE to hear THIS," said Purpleton. "You can give me a
logical reason why a topless Minmei is standing behind you with two
other girls?"
Frito: He he he...
Lyra: This is an anime crossover, and you expect it to be logical?
<Smiles>
The late pilot nodded nervously.
"Talk, lover-boy," said Nina, pointing her blaster at his head.
"Well, it's, uh.."
"Tell them about the money the nice man gave you," Lusheeta
prompted Minmei.
Nina almost dropped her gun.
"Oh, so THAT'S the way it is!"
"IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!"
"Then HOW IS IT???"
Frito: <Laughs evilly> Run, F**ker... Run long... Run hard! You don't
need 'er anyway!
Windir: Assuming, of course, that he will be in a condition to want
romantic attention after she finishes with him.
Lyra: Assuming he'll be in shape to want *anything* when she's through
with him!
Desperate for an exit, F**ker looked around. <Anything...> he
thought. <Anything to get me out of this...> Then, the two mechs
wandered into field of vision... He smiled.
"Are you sure you have a RIGHT to complain, Nina?"
"Huh?"
"I mean... I may have three girls with me, but what are you doing
with Unit 2 and the Aphrodite A?"
"I... I don't know what you mean..." Now Nina was the one
sweating.
Windir: I found this a rather unlikely escape route for F**ker...
however, since it was a more-or-less minor point in the story, I'm
willing to accept it.
Frito: I dunno... I ain't sure if she's the kinda girl ta knuckle under
to blackmail. Hey, Lyra, what da ya think?
Lyra: Um... I'll take the Fifth.
"That's RIGHT!" said Nina. She looked at Roy. "And you STILL
haven't told me why these people are ghosts... According to the
registrar, Minmei's not due in yet. I checked. Frequently."
Frito: Hey, *I* would!
Windir: As would I. Though I suspect for an entirely different reason.
"I see your point," said Nina, "but I'd LOVE to see him try
something on Kagero."
F**ker laughed.
"I STILL remember the headache that poison of hers gave me last
time _I_ tried something..."
"You TRIED something with Kagero? WHILE I was in the same
plane???"
"Uh-oh."
Nina pulled out her blaster, and prepared to fire.
Lyra: Never learns, does he?
Happosai sailed through the air atop one of the missiles,
enjoying the ride and the fresh, cool breeze. Fools. They thought they
could get rid of him THIS easily? Not a chance. He'd been knocked into
low earth orbit so many times that flying through the air at supersonic
speeds had become second nature to him. And, even though he'd lost his
panties, he'd managed to pick up something far more valuable... A
transformation wand. He'd heard of them, of course, and tried to get a
hold of one for AGES, but they just didn't seem to EXIST in his dimension.
In >THIS dimension, however, they'd just tossed one at his
feet. Or, rather, they'd just tossed his feet at one. He laughed. This
was going to be fun...
Lyra: For *WHO*?
Frito: Sounds like fun to me! <Snicker>
Windir: More to the point, how does he know about transformation wands?
<Let's see... That symbol...> He racked his brain, trying to
remember his classes in alchemy. <Mercury. Definitely Mercury.>
Below him was now a large pond in the middle of a park. <Time
for me to say goodbye!> He doubted the explosion would be any worse than
one of his own Happo-bakudans, but one could never be too careful...
Years of panty-snatching had taught him THAT, at least.
Frito: Yahright.
Windir: It does seem unlikely that he'd be this blase about the imminent
prospect of a nuclear explosion.
Lyra: This is Happosai we're talking about, right?
Something sparks in her breadboard, and she quickly turns back and makes
a couple of adjustments with her micromanipulators.
With a grunt and some brief exertion, Happi pulled up a manhole
cover and jumped into the sewer. Just as he'd expected, it took only a
few minutes of wandering about in the tunnels to find a room large and
dry enough for his purposes.
Windir: Labeled "Via Cloaca", no doubt?
Frito: Huh?
Windir: Read Pratchett's _Men at Arms_... AAHHHHHHHH!
Lyra: WINDIR!
Windir: <Sobbing> Homeroom Affairs...
Voice 1: We're not paying you to review something else!
Windir: <Sternly, but with a slight quaver> You're... you're not *paying*
me at all.
Voice 1: Oh. Oops.
Voice 2: Doesn't matter. You're here to review TGACFH.
Windir: And what is your interest? You're not the authors!
Voice 2: Let's just call us... concerned citizens.
The old pervert wasn't surprised. His mind was at home in the gutter.
Frito: He he he... ain't that the truth!
Windir: Yes. It must be interesting for you, Frito, catching up on the
doings of your old neighbors.
Frito: Hey! Boot to th... Oops.
Windir: <Smugly> One advantage of this situation. It's not possible to
boot me through the speakerphone.
Lyra: If anyone could learn it, though...
Windir: <Surprised> You found that out, *this* quickly?
Lyra: Some things you pick up very easily. Trust me.
With the last phrase,put the transformation stick into the video
tape slot. He had to be careful with this... Everyone knew that when
something was dubbed, its meaning was completely changed... The methods
were cheap, and simple, but the results were so horrifying that even the
most dastardly of villains thought twice about using THIS form of magic
reversal...
Windir: It's not hard to discern where the authors stand on The Eternal
Debate.
Lyra: The Eternal Debate?
Frito: Dubs vs. Subs!
Lyra: Oh. <Chuckles> A lot of hot air. It was a nice funny speech, though.
Windir: <Frostily> Hot. Air.
Frito: Ya oughta know, Wind-bag!
Windir: Ahem. Surely even the most cretinous of those with even the
slightest affinity for True Art can realize the validity of this speech.
The authors are indeed people of vision.
Happosai picked up the rod, and waved it about.
"HAPPY... HENTAI... POWER!" he yelled.
There was a flash of light, and he began to twirl upwards.
<It's working! It's working!>
In preparation for what he knew would come, he started to strike
silly poses.
<Hmm... I wonder if I'll get one of those nice skirts... Does the
outfit come with panties??? Maybe I'll even get BREASTS!>
Windir: Dear Ghu. Happosai as a Sailor Senshi. The authors are indeed
warped.
Frito: Ain't half as bad as Happi-boy! Wantin' ta turn into a *girl*...
Brrrr!
Lyra: <Whimsically> And just what's so wrong with being a girl? <Pokes
Frito> Don't knock it until you've tried it...
Frito: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Windir: Dear me, what did you do to him? I haven't heard him scream that
loudly since the time I threatened to make him wear a tuxedo.
Lyra: <Still with a mischievous lilt in her voice> Wouldn't you like to
know?
It was a turtle. A giant, humanoid turtle, wearing a purple
bandanna.
Frito: Dude! Kowabunga!
Windir: If I could reach you, Frito, I would hurt you. <Pauses> It was a
logical crossover, I must admit, even if I hadn't thought of it myself.
What, then? Let's see... The original had been attuned to Mercury's
essence, so the inverted object should respond to a mirror image of her
personality. The sailor had been good and proper. Well, Happi was evil
(sometimes) and perverted. So far, so good. So to speak. She had also
been studious, and diligent. Well, Happosai was... Wait a minute. That
was it. When it came to his work as the master of the 'Anything-Goes
School of Martial Arts', or as professional panty- snatcher, the old man
was as diligent as anyone else. He might be a hentai, but he was a
hard-working one.
Windir: Amazing. There's actually something *good* one can say about
Happosai.
Lyra: Good? HAPPOSAI?!?
Frito: Ain't just da one! <Snicker>
Happosai reached into his bag, and pulled out a mirror.
<Heh. That Beast won't know I slipped him a broken Nanban mirror
for his own Farsight one until the villagers have chopped off his head...
I might not like that Gaston's methods, but they ARE effective... And
that Belle...> He still got lightheaded when he thought of THAT glomp...
THERE was a person whose name suited her perfectly... <No time for
daydreaming now, though.> He sighed. <I'd better get to work.>
Windir: I'm afraid this reference did not 'strike home', as it were, for
myself. The contexts are too dissimilar, especially inasmuch as the
social/cultural matrix of _Beauty and the Beast_ in general, let alone
the Disney rendition in specific, has little or nothing to do with the
sociocultural environment of Japan, which provides the setting for
Happosai's native _Ranma 1/2_, let alone the other anime series used in
this fiction.
Lyra: <Looking completely confused> What?
Voice 1: <Totter... CRASH!> What?
Frito: <Looking disgusted> Windy, can't ya just say that the two stories
don't go together, and leave it at that?
Voice 2: 'The stories are funny,' you said. 'Let's get a comedy reviewer
to cover them,' you said. BAKA!
"Come on, come on," Aaron said through clenched teeth, waiting
for someone at the house to pick up.
Lyra: How long has it been since we've heard from him?
Windir: It does seem like a long wait. Perhaps it would be a reasonable
idea to put a brief reference to him a little earlier in this episode.
Windir: This next section points out a change in direction for the story,
and one that brings a decision point for the authors. Up until this
point, the authors had one major "real-world" character in Aaron; but
Aaron is obviously intended as a more-or-less Everyman for the masses of
anime fandom, and thus is not much of a problem. However, at this
juncture, the authors start bringing in recognizable characters from the
Fanfic mailing list, and elsewhere. While the portrayals are convincing
and humorous in most cases, and indeed delightful in some, they depend on
a certain amount of insider knowledge. If the authors are aiming this
fanfiction at a broader audience, these more-than-cameo appearances could
begin to lose that audience.
Frito groans and smacks himself in the forehead.
Lyra: No, I actually understood that. Well, most of it, anyway.
Frito: Yeah, but I think the author described 'em just fine! It ain't
oughta be hard to pick up on 'em from da way they're introduced!
Windir: Perhaps... but since you've been watching the ML with me from the
beginning, you're hardly an unbiased observer. Hmmm. Miss Lyra? What do
you think?
Lyra: Um.
Joy A. Plains took another sip of her Starbucks coffee. It figured
that the only prof boring enough to make a field trip to DC dull would be
the comp mythology one... What had posessed her to come along, anyway?
She'd only moved into Joking Towers a day or two ago, and she had
TONS of work to do...
Of course. Work. That was it. ANYTHING was better than hauling
heavy furniture up a flight of stairs. Well... Almost anything... There
was always homework, and exercise, and... All that other stuff which
could be associated with the W-word...
Lyra: I've known people like that.
Windir: I've *worked* with people like that. <Tries and completely fails
to send a glare through the speakerphone>
She saw, but her brain refused to register.
She blinked.
She blinked again.
There wasn't much more she could do. Unless she'd gone seriously
insane, Happosai was standing about a foot and a half away from her. And
if he WAS, she HAD gone seriously insane. This was not good.
Frito: <Chuckling> I ain't gonna say it... I ain't gonna...
Lyra: Say what?
Frito: No, I ain't gonna say it!
Windir: <Sigh> And why, pray tell, will you not say whatever 'it' is?
Frito: Well, 'cause... er... aw, shucks, I *like* her!
Windir: Siblings of the soul, as it were.
Joy looked at her fanfic. Then, she looked at her coffee. <Mom
always _did_ tell me drinking too much of this stuff would be bad for
me...>
"Is something wrong?" asked the two-foot lecher. <Good. Can't be
Happi. He would've glomped me by now. Just too many fanfics, too much
coffee, and too little access to computers. If I calm down, this'll all
blow over...>
Lyra: I really do like the way this part is done. The writing (and
especially Joy's thoughts) is done with a nice touch of droll humor.
"You know about the..." He slapped himself on the forehead. "That's
right!" he exclaimed. "In this dimension, WE'RE the fictional characters!"
Joy blinked. This was getting weird.
Lyra: Getting?
Windir: Perhaps. Though no doubt a truly dedica... er, a truly involved
fan would exhibit a certain degree of familiarity with the universe. And
one must not deny the numbing effect of utter shock.
Frito: Yeah. Uh-huh. Sure, any fan would react that way. <Looks up> Hey,
you up there in the control booth! How'd *you* react?!
[Editor's note: Um... I think *I'll* take the Fifth.]
"Well, then, you've heard of the Sailor Scouts?"
Happosai knew about the senshi??? Strange...
"Yes... But how do YOU know about them?"
"If she's pretty, and animated, I've glomped her," Happi beamed.
Frito: I ain't surprised.
"WOW!!!! Give it here!" Before the old man could say anything,
Joy snatched the rod from him and held it aloft.
"Mercury Star Power, Make-Up!"
Nothing happened. She shook it. Maybe it was from one of the
earlier seasons...
"Mercury Star Power!"
Nothing.
"Mercury Power!"
Nothing.
"I think it's broken," she said.
Frito: Clunk! Hehehe...
"This might take a while..."
"It shouldn't take more than forty-five seconds."
"Why forty-five? Why not FIFTY?"
Lyra: A good question.
Lyra's breadboarded device -- which by this time has grown to fill
several seats -- emits a soft beeping noise, too quiet to be heard over
the speakerphone. At Frito's look, she frantically shook her head and
shushed him.
Lyra: <Whispered> I've got it traced!
"It took forty-five seconds for Pocahontas to learn English, so..."
"You know POCAHONTAS?" The mini-hentai just grinned at her. "Never
mind. She's cute, and she's animated. Right?" Nod, nod.
Windir groans.
Frito: Aw, come on, Windy! It's funny! <Whispered to Lyra> So where are
they?
"Ok... I'll try it..."
Joy closed her eyes, and concentrated. <Think... Where does your
POWER come from...> She tried to picture situations in which she'd been
strong, or determined, but all that came to mind were an endless stream
of hours spent sleeping in the back of lecture halls, staying up at night
to read fanfics, finishing essays at the last minute... <43, 44... 45!>
She opened her eyes, and raised the wand.
"IDLE... SLACKER... POWER!"
All of a sudden, the symbol at the tip of the rod began to emit
beams of energy in every colour of the spectrum. The room was filled
with light, and cheap synthesizer music began to play as Joy A. Plains
was lifted up and spun around by an invisible hand.
Windir: A nice takeoff on the nature of the series, here.
<I did it! I did it! I'm a sailor scout! But... Wait a minute...
When they transform, don't they...>
Her clothes began to dissolve.
"AIEEEEEEEEEE!"
"SUGOI!"
Frito: Woo, WOO!
Lyra: Boot to the Head! <THUD>
Windir: My, she *is* getting into the spirit of the thing.
Frito: Hey, you gotta admit it's funny! Happi got lucky!
A small leprechaun, carrying a sack filled with pink hearts, orange
stars, yellow moons, green clovers, and blue diamonds comes out of the
lobby and storms up to Frito.
Lucky: Nobody's gonna *get* me, ya stinking bastard!
Frito: Hey! You up in the control booth! Keep yer Imagination Workshop
tapes outta this!
[Editor's note: Oops. Gomen.]
"Surprised?" asked Happi.
"Nothing's... Changed..." she said.
"No, but you DID get a nice transformation." Pause. "A VERY nice
transformation."
THAT settled it.
"Why, you little PERVERT!" Sailor Slacker closed her hand into a
fist and connected with Happi's jaw. Rather than sending him AGAINST the
wall, as she'd hoped, she sent him THROUGH it. "Oopsie..."
Lyra: I *like* this. The little stinker got what he deserved.
"It seems not EVERYTHING has stayed the same," said the old man
Frito: Er... uh... this don't work for me.
Windir: Again?!?
Frito: <Hotly> Well, ain't we *supposed* ta criticize the dialog?
Windir: Yes, yes, I know. What I was *objecting* to was your continual
use of that trite and thoroughly tired phrase. You could at least
describe what doesn't, as you say, "work for you."
Frito: I was about ta do that when ya interrupted!
Lyra: The line does seem a little fancy for Happosai.
Back at the SDF-1 crash site, little had changed. Aphrodite-A had
reactivated the Gundam, and the two robots were necking, much to the
surprise (and disgust) of the general public.
Frito: Ewwww.
Windir: Frito?
Frito: Some things is even too perverted for me ta take!
Lyra: I should *hope* so!
Frito: <Whispered to Lyra> So, I'll ask ya again, where are they keepin'
him?
Lyra: <Whispered back> Where do you *think*? Washington!
"I am Sailor Slacker, Champion of Leisure Time!" she cried, and
struck a pose.
"Hey! I'M the one who's supposed to do that!" yelled Serena. "Who
died and made YOU Sailor, anyway?"
Sailor Slacker blinked, and answered briefly, "Sailor Mercury, I
think..." before once more hardening her face, and continuing: "I am
sworn to sleep late and annoy instructors - and that means you! In the
name of the net, I will irk you!"
Frito: Hey, I think Serina'd like her!
Windir: Indeed.
Frito: <Whispered to Lyra> Alright, ya found where they're keepin' him,
now what?
"Nina," said F**ker, "I think that blaster could be put to better
use by pointing it at HER, rather than at me."
Purpleton nodded.
"Agreed." She pivoted to face the anti-Sailor, and targeted her.
"You dare attack me?" asked Sailor Slacker. "Let's see how well you
can handle depression! Course... Failing... Degradation!!!"
Windir: Not an attack *you* could perform, Frito.
Frito: <Suspiciously> Is that supposed ta be a compliment? I ain't never
failed a class?
Windir: No. You would never *attend* a class, since I believe your test
scores weren't high enough to get you into most kindergardens.
Lyra: <Whispered to Frito> Well, I'm going to rescue him, of course!
She put her hands together, and a beam of solid black emerged from
them. Just before it hit the engineer, another stepped in the way and
took the brunt of the attack.
"The world," he said, "is a dark and lonely place..."
Lyra: Where'd he come from?
Windir: A bit coincidental, yes.
Frito: <Whispered to Lyra> How?!?
The yellow-clad boy tried to use his umbrella for support, but
eventually collapsed into a blubbering lump on the ground.
"Oh, no!" cried Sailor Slacker. "I've knocked out Ryouga!"
The lost boy regained his composure and stood up, smiling evilly.
Windir: Would he smile? Especially, would he smile evilly? I would have
imagined him with an angry scowl here, myself.
Lyra: <Whispered to Frito> Well, I *was* a commando/courier specialist
for three years before I joined you guys...
Frito: What?!
Windir: What was that, Frito?
Frito: Er... I dunno, you don't think Ryoga'd had some kinda satisfaction
in doin' it?
"It was a mistake to make me unhappy!"
<Uh-oh...> thought Joy, as she remembered Movie #2...
Lyra: <Smiling wickedly> Boom! Boom boom boom! Boom.
Frito: You ain't Russian.
Lyra: <Still smiling> And how would you know that?
Voice 1: <Low moan>
Voice 2: Baka!
But that wasn't the only problem, Aaron happened to roll his eyes
upwards when he saw Ryoga begin to do the infamous "Blue Aura Thing"
that every character in "Ranma 1/2" had done at one point or another,
and saw two trails of smoke streaking across the sky. His eyes
followed the smoke trails and found their source.
"Ukyou?"
"Yes?"
"Am I imagining things, or are those two ballistic missiles
flying over the D.C. skyline?"
Frito: Yeah, they've only been flyin' up there for the last hour! That's
gotta be the longest flight path in... in... I don't know how long!
<Whispered to Lyra> So why the heck did ya quit and come here, anyway?
Lyra: <Whispered back> I got bored. <Grins at Frito>
Frito facefaults as Lyra takes off the micromanipulator arm, and replaces
it with the 'normal' arm.
Windir: <Continuing on> ...and it is, indeed, a violation of the normal
laws of physics. Happosai himself said that Anime Physics do not operate
in this world.
=====================================================================
Next on "The Great Anime Crossover From Hell!!!":
Ukyou: I'm no shrink, but I think this is getting to Aaron just a
little. It might have helped if Ryoga hadn't blasted him...
(Insert shot of Aaron on the recieving end of the Shishi Houkouden)
Ukyou: He hasn't quite been himself since.
Windir: This is a good lead-in...
(Cut to shot of Aaron yelling at Roy, Nina, Sailor Slacker, and the
Charge of the Bimbo Brigade [Serena, Minmei, and Lusheeta])
Frito: But this is kinda a letdown. I was expectin' somethin' more
spectacular outa that.
Windir: A little more bombast, perhaps?
Lyra: <Whispered to Frito> I'm off!
Frito: <Looking uncharacteristically concerned> Good luck!
[Editor's note: You're gonna need it...]
Next time: The Great Anime Crossover From Hell, Part 6: The Review!
Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
<http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)
..Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.