After the wave of Sad Fanfiction we've been having, I decided that I'd
post some clips from my upcoming Story Lemon Sherbet (Dark Queen Skuld
Can't Lose)
This is a preview, so I've just pulled a few of the funniest
scenes...don't expect to guess the plot (To what extent there is one).
This story is stylistically a sequel to Lemonade, but there is little to
no plot connection...
Yes, this IS a Lemon story, although large chunks of it have NO sex, and
no need for it either :)
Repeat, this is only a preview...The Real Story will actually fill in all
the blanks...:)
{music cue: Pandas must die}
The moon shone down on Ranma's bedroom. Once again,
Ranma was being squished in his sleep. However, this time
it wasn't his father...It was a much more pleasant squishiness
although if the others found out, the beatings were likely
to commence. She was asleep, but Ranma couldn't sleep. The
simple fact that he'd gotten through a day without a beating
meant he couldn't sleep until he got that beating. Not because
he liked pain, but because he was a creature of habit. Okay,
considering his life, maybe he did like pain. Either that or he
just had trouble avoiding it.
He now realized someone was standing in front of him.
A mysterious figure in a t-shirt and jeans. He racked his
brain, wondering what horrible foe had returned to do battle
with him this time. Some fiancee his father hadn't
mentioned yet? A pizza boy he forgot to tip who had sworn eternal
vengeance? His long lost twin sister, who wanted to sleep with
him? That guy who lives in the Tendo basement? Lao Tse with that
stupid water buffalo again? Elvis? Sir Galahad? He waited for
the mysterious figure to announce itself.
The moon reflected off the figure's glasses and for a
moment, Ranma wondered if maybe it was just Moose after a
haircut and a wardrobe change. Then Ranma remembered Moose is
a character in Archie, but that it could be Mousse. But the
figure lurking silently in the shadows was too short to be Moose or
Mousse. The figure looked down at Ranma. "Hiya, old buddy. Time for
another story."
Ranma blinked and looked more carefully. He started running
through a list of fanfic authors in his mind, then realized there
were so many, he might be here forever.
The clouds drifted away from the moon and the figure
was lit up. He was wearing a white t-shirt that said
OTAKON, and a pair of black jeans. He had short ash-blond
hair and a pair of battered gold rimmed glasses. For just a
few seconds, Ranma felt like he was seeing some incredibly
twisted reflection of himself. Horribly twisted...Suddenly
he realized who this had to be. Biles. Ranma shook his
head. "I ought to recognize this guy by now. I've
certainly starred in enough stories he's written. Heh.
Now if he'd only finish Furinkan Summer..."
The man frowned. "I'm working on it, okay? It wasn't
my idea to lose the disk." He pulled over a chair from the desk,
apparently settling in for a while. Ranma sat up.
"So what's up? Here to give me the low down on the next
Furinkan Summer Episode? Did Jeremy finally finish chapter 4 of
Ta'averen 1/2? Am I finally gonna get to sleep as a male in DNR?
You're not gonna make me pregnant are you?" Ranma shuddered. That
story had been a nightmare...
Biles smiled. "Trust me. I swear I'll never make you pregnant and
dead in the same story."
Ranma smiled, not noticing that wasn't actually a promise not
to ever make him pregnant.
"No, I've decided to do a crossover."
Ranma perked up. That could be fun. "A crossover of
what?" Images sprang through his mind.
"Sailor Moon and Ranma 1/2. Also..."
Ranma screamed. "I WILL NOT WEAR A SAILOR SUIT! I WON'T! ONE
SERIES LIKE THAT IS ENOUGH!"
"Calm down. You'll meet the Senshi, not BE the senshi."
Ranma relaxed. That could be okay. The cameo in Symphony of the
Planets hadn't been too bad. "You're not gonna engage me to Usagi are you?"
"No, not at all. However, the Principal will be possessed by a
youma and shave your head. Also, you're gonna get beaten up a few
times. On the bright side..."
"I won't stand for that! I'm the star! You can't show me up in my
own story!"
"It's not just your story, Ranma. You can't have it all your way.
You might have to lose a few fights and..."
"No way! You're gonna turn me into a youma or something! Forget
it! I'm outta here."
"You live here."
"Then...uh. Right. You can't make me do it!"
"Like you stopped me last time?"
"You think you can stop me from walking right out of
here?" Ranma said. "MAs don't stop fists very well."
Ranma blinked. Wait, hadn't this happened before?
"Go right ahead. Please. I invite you to step
outside." Biles smiled again. This had indeed happened before,
but he wasn't going to tell Ranma that.
Gears rumbled inside Ranma's brain. Did Biles want him
to go outside? Or to stay here? How could he best thwart
Biles' plans? And didn't something like this happen on some
previous occassion? Unfortunately, Ranma forgot Biles
was reading his mind. While Ranma was distracted, Biles quietly made
the final preparations. The story was about to begin.
Biles said, "Come on Ranma. This will be a lot more
fun if you play along. Besides, I know that deep down you
want to sleep with the entire cast of Sailor Moon, anyway. Well,
the female part of the cast."
Ranma turned red. "I don't want to sleep with all of them, just
some of...I mean, ahh..."
"Tsk, tsk. When Akane hears you said that...for that matter, who's
that in the bed with you?"
Ranma laughed. "Hah! Akane is right here, so she can't possibly get
mad at me for sleeping with someone else like I did ...uh, I mean. This
is Akane."
"Are you sure?"
"Wanna take a look? Uh...I mean..."
The girl sat up and stretched, then saw Biles and clutched the
sheets to herself. He blushed and turned away.
"Oh, acting modest are you now, Biles? What about Lemonade? What
about..."
"That wasn't me! It was just a personality fragment!"
The girl cuddled up to Ranma. "Why is he here, Ranma?"
"He's just trying to annoy us, Akane, into being in some dumb story."
Biles turned on the lights. "That's not Akane, Ranma..."
Ranma turned...it wasn't Akane. She looked similar, but her hair
was bluish in tint...she looked shyer...and... Ranma suddenly realized
he was in bed with Mizuno Ami.
He jumped back with a start. "Ack...I...you..."
Ami frowned. "Is there something wrong, Ranma? You're
not...ashamed of our love affair are you?"
Ranma froze up like a rock. "I thought...I thought..."
"The way we made love over and over and..."
Biles said, "Can you speak into this microphone please? Akane is
going to want to hear all of this."
Ranma leaped for the microphone. At that moment, in the hallway,
Akane said, "Is that you in there, Biles?"
"Yeah! Come on in! I want you to meet someone!"
Ranma screamed and leaped out the window, which flashed brightly.
Biles smiled and nodded to Ami.
There was a bright flash of light and Ami suddenly was fully
clothed. Akane walked in. "Hi, Biles. Hmm. Where's Ranma?"
"He had to go for some reason. This is my friend Ami."
Biles explained the story idea to Akane, who seemed more agreeable
than Ranma. Finally she left. Ami put down the disguise pen
and...turned into Nabiki.
Biles handed Nabiki a fresh credstick. "Here's your payment. The
plan went perfectly. I was afraid the disguise pen might not work right..."
"I certainly enjoyed it." Nabiki lay back on the sheets and smiled.
"See you later, Nabiki."
Biles departed. Nabiki put down the disguise pen...and turned into
Mizuno Ami. "Oh what a tangled web we weave...You'd think Biles could
remember these pens don't work for just anyone." She got up, got her
clothing and smiled. The story was about to begin...
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<Music Cue: Big Lizard in my back yard, Dead Milkmen>
Makoto walked down the streets of Nerima alone. She was used to
it. Her friends would be here later, but she had to get to the cooking
contest early. Unfortunately, she wasn't quite sure how to get where she
was going. It seemed like this district was best described as a twisty,
bendy maze of streets all alike.
As she looked around, a girl carrying a large ladle ran out
of a large dojo that fronted on the street. She had short black
hair and was wearing a school uniform. A second girl leaned out
the doorway and yelled, "Akane, you forgot the spices!". The
second girl had long black hair to mid-back, gathered together
with a green ribbon. It was clear she was an older relative of
the first girl, possibly her sister. As Akane turned and ran
back inside, Makoto approached the older girl.
"Pardon me, do you know the way to Furinkan High School? I'm going
to a cooking contest there." Makoto prayed that, unlike the last five
people she had asked, this girl would not cross herself and slam the
door. Something must be horribly wrong at that school.
"Why yes, my sister Akane goes there. She's on her way to the
cooking contest also. Oh, I'm Tendo Kasumi. And you are?" Kasumi
smiled pleasantly.
Makoto realized to her surprise that Kasumi was almost as tall as
she was and only a few years older. She had seemed so adult at
first. "I'm Kino Makoto. Nice to meet you."
Various disaster noises erupted from inside the kitchen, as if some
sort of an earthquake was in progress. Faintly, a male voice said, "Kino
Makoto?"
Makoto blinked. The voice sounded somewhat familiar. "Um...Yes?"
While the disaster noises slowly abated, a young man, covered in
some sort of white powder...flour?, walked over to the door and into
view. He looked familiar to Makoto, although the fine sheen of white
made him look more ghost than man. "It is you!"
"You look..." Memories stirred in Makoto's mind. Back to when she
was twelve, just before her parents died in that crash. Back to when she
was still going to Nisan primary school. Back to when she knew a
pig-tailed boy named...
"Mako-chan, it's me, Saotome Ranma." He smiled, remembering his
friend from the sixth grade. His dad had dragged him off to that boy's
school shortly after that. He hadn't seen her in four years.
"Ranchan! You're alive! You just vanished one day!" Impulsively,
she leaped forward and hugged him, getting flour all over herself.
Kasumi smiled. "I take it you know each other?"
"We were in the fifth and sixth grade together, Kasumi. Dad hauled
me off to a boy's school just before Winter break. Well, actually we
went on a training trip, then he transferred me to that boys' school."
Ranma smiled. "Did you move, Mako-chan? I tried writing, but I never got
a reply..."
Makoto shuddered slightly. "That was right before my parents died
in a plane crash..."
Kasumi's eyes got big. "That's awful. I was very young when my
mother died, but I still think about her every day. It must have been
very hard on you."
Makoto nodded. "Are you related to Ranma? I always thought he was an
only child...But then his dad never talked about Ranma's mother...or
relatives...or..."
Kasumi smiled. "I could only be called his sister in a very
figurative sense. Ranma and his father are living with my family." The
kitchen had fallen very quiet.
Makoto suddenly noticed she was still embracing Ranma. She
looked him up and down subtly. He had become very handsome and
looked as if he might almost be as strong as herself. Perhaps
I'll just stay like this for as long as he lets me get away with
it. It's nice to have someone's arms around me. Especially an
old friend like Ranma.
Makoto was shaken out of her reverie by an loud *THUMP!* Ranma
suddenly slumped in her arms. She turned a bit and saw the girl Akane
standing behind Ranma with a frying pan, ready to whap Ranma again.
Kasumi said, "Now Akane, that wasn't very nice to do to Ranma when
he's saying hello to an old friend."
"With his arms around her?" Akane stared at Makoto. "If you try to
claim you're his fiancee, I'll scream."
"Fiancee? We're just old friends from school." Although I wouldn't
mind being something more. Ranma was such a dear. Now he's really
handsome too. I guess she must be his girlfriend, though, or she
wouldn't be beating him up for hugging me. "And even if I WAS his
fiancee, what right do you have to beat him up for hugging someone?"
"I'M his fiancee!" Akane glared suspiciously at Makoto.
"Why would you think I might be his fiancee if you're his fiancee?"
Makoto wondered. Although I guess a lot of girls probably do find him
attractive.
Makoto's question was answered as the wall exploded next to her.
A purple haired chinese girl popped through and grabbed Ranma. "Nihao,
Ranma-groom. Ready to date with Shampoo?"
Makoto said, "I take it she thinks Ranma is her fiancee?"
Akane nodded grimly and turned to Shampoo. "Get away from my fiancee!"
Ranma, now recovering consciousness, said, "Uh, hi, Shampoo. No,
I'm not going to date with you."
Shampoo started to drag him off. "Go away violent pervert girl,"
she said to Akane. Ranma flailed ineffectively as Shampoo dragged him
off.
Akane charged in wielding a table, only to have Shampoo
casually knock her across the room with a mace. The table soon
followed after her, hitting Akane on the head and knocking her
senseless for a few minutes.
Moving to block Shampoo, Makoto growled. "Let go of Ranma.
Now."
Shampoo laughed. "You another pathetic violent ugly pervert girl? Go
away and Shampoo let you live."
Makoto contemplated transforming into Sailor Jupiter and
electrocuting this maniac, then decided to just do it the old fashioned
way. She walked up to Shampoo. "You think I'm pathetic?"
Shampoo nodded. "Stupid school uniform too."
"You're even stupider to let me get this close." She rabbit
punched Shampoo in the gut. The Amazon doubled over in surprise,
her breath blasted out of her lungs. Then Makotot swiftly boxed
Shampoo's ears as hard as she could. Shampoo blinked, then fell
down. Ranma scrambled loose.
Makoto helped Ranma up. "You okay, Ranchan?"
"I don't think that was a good idea." Ranma looked nervously at
Shampoo. "I never knew you were so strong..."
"I've always been pretty strong. And now I'm taller and stronger
than virtually ever girl I know and a lot of the guys. Why don't you
think that was a good idea, Ranchan?" Makoto looked down at Shampoo. She must
have been pretty strong to knock down that wall. Too overconfident, though.
"Because if a non-Amazon beats her in combat, she has to kill the
person who beat her." Ranma sighed. "If you were male, she'd have to
marry you instead. That's my problem."
"What kinda nutty law is that?"
"Amazon law. Very important to her...She's from the chinese Amazon
village."
Kasumi helped Akane up off the floor when she woke up. "You
okay, Akane?"
Akane said, "I'm fine. Where did that maniac..." Akane saw Shampoo
on the floor. "Did you finally ...," she started to say to Ranma.
"I took her down, Akane," Makoto said. "Geez...what a mess. So
now I've got a maniac Amazon on my trail..."
"You too,...uh...what's your name?"
"Kino Makoto. I'm an old friend of Ranma's from fifth and sixth
grade. I was on my way to the cooking contest at Furinkan High and..."
Akane smiled. "You too? I can show you the way there."
"Just don't eat any of her food, Mako-chan. I want you to live."
Ranma said. "I'll come with you two...I need to find out where you live
now and everything. And tell you whose food is safe to eat."
Ranma soon found a very nice ladle bent over his head and Akane
growling at him. "My food is not poisonous!"
This must be an arranged engagement, Makoto thought. Either that or
I really picked the wrong day to wander back into his life. 'Cause they
really, really don't seem to get along.
***************************************************
***************************************************
<In the Command Center>
Biles sat back and relaxed. For once, the filming was going without
any problems. One of his muses, the lovely Princess Kahm was giving him
a nice relaxing backrub while the first segment of Makoto's Old Boyfriend
was shooting in the high school set on Lot 3. Those blasted contract
negotiations over Sailor Moon Z were finally over. He'd put Godai to
work writing the script for Furinkan Summer #4. The three
goddesses had agreed to appear in Makoto's Old Boyfriend as their
evil twins, the Dark Queens of the Megamiverse. Now if only Skuld
would give up on that stupid Evillizer machine and just accept the
concept of using makeup to appear evil...
Akemi Rippongi walked up to Biles, a clipboard in her hand. "Hey Boss,
Makoto wants to know if she gets three sex scenes with Ranma or four."
Biles blinked. "There aren't going to be any sex scenes."
Akemi blinked. "She says her contract guarantees at least one sex
scene, and last night in bed you said..."
Biles blanched and Kahm dug her fingernails into Biles' back. "I
wasn't in bed with her last night! Kahm can vouch for me!"
Kahm blinked. Oh yeah, I was with him the whole night. She
stopped clawing Biles and started massaging again.
Akemi smiled. "Ahh. Getting inspiration for someone's vertical.."
Biles frowned. "It was a story conference!"
"I suppose the moaning was a ghost?"
Biles blushed. "There will be NO sex in this story! Who put that
clause in her contract anyway?"
"I have no idea," Akemi lied. I wonder what he's gonna say when he
sees I put clauses like that in all the contracts. He has a true creative
vision, but he never puts enough sex in anything. Well, my job is to fix
that, among other things. I'll show him he should have kept me as his
muse! How'd he get two muses anyway? I guess they thought he needed
someone to keep an eye on him after that Lemonade incident.
Biles sighed. "Where's Rachel, Kahm?"
"I think she's busy directing the shooting for Makoto's Old
Boyfriend, right now. Akemi, go get Makoto. We've got to talk to her
about this before she has to go back on screen."
Akemi nodded, headed out into the hallway, but never quite got to
Makoto.
***************************************************
<Any music from Power Rangers>
Pyrite sat down in the Principal's office with the Principal. As
per standard operating procedure, he'd had Youma Bob possess the
Principal. Unfortunately, Youma Bob was having problems.
"Now, what are we going to do?"
"Shave their heads and bring the hair to Dark Queen Belldandy!"
Pyrite sighed. I really should have taken that Dragon Ball Z
contract when I had the chance...At least there I'd get blown into the
Sun or something...a lot less painful than this thankless job. "No!
Steal their energy and bring it all to Dark Queen Skuld!"
"Steal Dark Queen Skuld's hair too!" the youma-principal said.
Pyrite sighed. Maybe I should have gone for the school
disciplinarian instead...
***************************************************
**************************************************
<In the Dressing Rooms>
Belldandy, Skuld, and Urd were busy putting on makeup. Well,
Belldandy and Urd were; Skuld was busy putting the last touches on her
latest machine.
"Skuld-chan, if you don't hurry, we'll be late for our first scene."
"This will save us a lot of time! It's the Evillizer!"
"The what?" Urd asked.
"It makes people look evil! That way we can all look like Addams
Family Members! And if you reverse it, it makes people look Good!"
"Are you sure it's safe?"
"I'll show you!" Skuld said and fired it at Urd. Nothing happened.
Skuld blinked. "That's odd. Maybe you already look evil."
Urd frowned. "Evil? I'll show you evil!"
"Now, now. Calm down, Urd," Belldandy said.
Urd and Skuld started fighting for control of the machine.
Someone walked in and jammed a dark crystal into the machine. It fired
off and flooded the room with enhanced Evillizer rays. Marlller laughed.
"Now you'll see what evil really is! It's not just for breakfast anymore!"
Dark Queen Skuld, Dark Queen Urd, and Dark Queen Belldandy got up
off the floor. "Yes, now we will fight for evil!"
Marller began to laugh.
"But we still don't like you, so we'll kill you first."
Marller stopped laughing. "You..what?"
Dark Queen Urd shrugged. "We still don't like you. Any last words?"
"Mommy, help me!" Marller fled this form into the body she had
prepared for just such an emergency. It wasn't as beautiful as her
normal form, but she had kidnapped and prepared it earlier today for just
such an emergency...Good thing too, as this body got blasted to dust.
***************************************************
***************************************************
Lemon Sherbet! (Dark Queen Skuld Can't Lose!)
by Dark Queens Skuld, Urd, and Belldandy
Executive Producer and Slave: John Biles
Director: Rippongi Akemi
Chief Technician: Ensign Uraki
Executive Director in charge of Berserk Rages: Miyaki Shinobu
Key Grip: Shiratori Azusa
Best Boy: Ranma
Best Girl: Makoto
Chief Hacker: Nene Romanova
Hunka-Hunka Burning Love: Elvis
Giant Rabid Wombats supplied by Wizards of the Coast, makers of Magic: The
Addiction
England, 1660-1832 by Dr. Jonathon C. D. Clark
Sound by TTTTHHHXXXX!!!!!! The Audience has stuck keys.
The Evillizer now available for home use, call 555-Evil, and for just
19.95 you can be the most evil person you know!
***************************************************
*****************************************************************************
The next day, Makoto was on her way over to Ranma's house to pick
him up for the movies. I hope Usagi isn't late meeting us...I hope Ranma
likes my friends. Of course he will! They're great. I should have seen
if Juyza could come...Then I could flirt with both of them! She giggled.
I'm so wicked.
She was completely oblivious to the fact that a purple-haired woman
with twin bonbori was stalking her. Well, until suddenly she heard
motion, looked up and spotted two bonbori descending for her head.
She jumped back and Shampoo narrowly missed knocking her for a
loop. Shampoo quickly got back up into a fighting stance. "Shampoo not
need additional tomboy trying to take her Ranma!"
"YOUR Ranma? Since when did he sell himself to you?"
"Plus you defeat Shampoo, so Shampoo must kill!"
Makoto laughed. "Oh, I'm shaking."
Shampoo charged forward. Makoto clipped her in the nose, but she
smacked Makoto in the head and the gut. A down and dirty brawl followed,
in which it became pretty clear that Makoto was out of her league. This
girl is really good, Makoto thought. I must have gotten lucky last
time...I don't think I'm gonna win this one unless I transform...but then
she'll know my secret identity...
She jumped back to avoid a blow and tripped, falling down. Shampoo
smiled and stalked towards her, bonbori raised high. Suddenly, a small
object flew between them and embedded itself in the concrete. It was a
small spatula. Makoto instinctively looked up, thinking, since when does
Tuxedo Kamen throw spatulas?
It wasn't Tuxedo Kamen. It was Juyza..."Shampoo, you know Ranma
isn't going to like this. Now back off!"
Shampoo growled, "Go away, spatula girl!"
Makoto blinked. Girl? She looked again. No, that's clearly a
boy...Sounds like Juyza too. She scrambled to her feet. "I don't want
to fight you, Shampoo..."
"That's cause Shampoo going to stomp you flat, and you know it!"
Makoto growled. I don't have to put up with this...She put up her
fists as Shampoo started to advance.
Juyza sighed and muttered something under his breath, then leaped
down and picked up Makoto, then leaped back to the rooftop and bounded
away, roof to roof.
"Hey, I didn't need a rescue!" Makoto said.
"I told you she's a good fighter. How hurt are you? Should I take
you to Dr. Tofu's?" Juyza said.
Makoto snuggled up to him. He must be incredibly strong to be doing
this, she thought. I guess being saved can be kinda nice. "I'm fine,
Juyza-kun. So how long have you and Ranko been engaged?"
"Umm...well, you see..." Juyza began nervously. Makoto noticed he
had just looked down her shirt, though he was trying not to...not to be
obvious anyway.
Makoto kissed Juyza on the cheek. "I think you're cute too." She
smiled. Juyza tried hard not to faint.
Juyza landed on the Tendo roof. "I...how did you know I
was...thinking that? You don't ...read minds do you?"
Makoto laughed. "Any girl worth her salt can tell when a guy thinks
she's cute."
Juyza blushed more. "You are cute...but...umm...You see, Ranko and
I made a little fib..."
"Hmm?"
"You see, I'm really just Ukyou...We told Mrs. Saotome that so she
wouldn't try to hook Ranko up with anyone..." Ukyou sighed. Why is this
girl getting to me like this, she thought. I almost didn't tell her...I
almost kissed her back. I must have put the wrong stuff in the mix for
lunch or something...I'm acting like Haruka...
"Oh, you're like Haruka?" Makoto asked.
Ukyou started. "I...you...you know Haruka?" If Makoto was like
Haruka, finding this out wouldn't stop her.
"She's a friend of mine! She's REALLY cool. But she's already
dating someone...I mean...I'm sorry I kissed you."
"I don't mind. It was nice of you...I mean, I'm not angry. Umm.
We'd better go down and see if Ranma is ready to go..." She leaped down
to the ground, still carrying Makoto, who sighed.
Makoto thought. Ukyou is cute, boy or girl...what am I thinking?
Well, she is. Not quite as cute as Ranchan, though...
Ranma blinked. "Ucchan, why are you carrying Makochan?"
Ukyou blushed and put Makoto down. "Shampoo attacked her, I had to
bail her out." I'm not sure why I bailed her out, Ukyou thought. I just
felt...an instinct drawing me there, like I had to save someone. Not to
mention she is cute...
Ranma sighed. "Sorry about that. She likes me...but if she thinks
anyone is after me..."
"Well, let's get going! We need to get to the movies before we end
up later than Usagi usually is..."
"You don't mind if Ucchan comes, do you, Makochan? Akane wanted to
come too, but she's too sick to go anywhere."
"That's fine! Let's get a move on!" They rushed out of the house.
***************************************************
***************************************************
Dark Queen Skuld sat in her throne, in the heart of her orbital
space station, Skuldylon 3. "Foglerite!" she shouted, but no one heard
her because she had forgotten to turn the intercom. "FOGLERITE!"
Screaming didn't turn it on either.
"Why doesn't anyone ever take me seriously?"
A nearby Dalek minion said, "Dark Queen Skuld, the intercom is
turned off."
She blushed and turned it on. "Foglerite, come here!"
A black sphere appeared, expanded, then evaporated, leaving
Foglerite standing before her. "Yes, my queen? Is it time for the
beautiful night? Shall we destroy all those wretched Shizuma drives and..."
"No, I want you to corrupt the Ninety-Nine Steps Restaurant, turning
it into an ice cream parlor. It is one of the critical crystal points of
the future Crystal Tokyo. I intend to change that future and transform
it to ICE CREAM TOKYO!"
"Wouldn't Beautiful Night Tokyo be better?" Foglerite inquired
hopefully.
"I don't get energy from beautiful or any other kind of nights! I
want to insure I'll NEVER run out of ice cream! Then I can eat the
entire city! BAHAHAHAHAHAAH!"
"That's BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, my queen."
"Just go corrupt that crystal point! Oh, and have someone send me a
few gallons of chocolate."
As Foglerite walked out the door, he flipped the lights off. "The
night! The Glorious night!"
Dark Queen Skuld tried not to cry.
***************************************************
***************************
<Music cue: Undress your love>
P-chan sat on his blanket as Akane dragged in and hooked up her
boombox and put on a CD. She then started stripping to the music. He
stared in shock. He'd seen her strip before, but not like this. Pretty
soon he had a little piggie nose-bleed going full force. Finally, she
finished, tossing her panties over his head. It took his entire force of
will not to pass out.
She dumped a bucket of water over her head and began to lather
up. P-chan tried not to look, but the temptation was too great. <She
has such a lovely body. If only I had the courage to go jump in that hot
bath, and boldly proclaim my love for her. But I am too weak! And even
if she does love me, she wouldn't appreciate me seeing her naked like
this. Not yet anyway.>
Akane sang a little song to herself as she scrubbed herself clean.
She couldn't quite remember all the words, the name of the song, or who
sang it, but she liked the sound of it. She looked over nervously at
P-chan, who was half-buried in the blanket. Was he chewing on the blanket?
This is going to be fun, she thought. I've never done this before...she
thought. I hope he's good...She shook with anticipation and felt her
body tingle.
She finished scrubbing and doused herself with cold water again to
remove all the soap. Standing, she stretched, then made her way over to
the hot water and sank into it. The heat began to soak into her muscles,
relaxing them. Not quite as good as a massage, but it would have to do.
If Ranma wasn't such a baka, I could be doing it with him right
now...Ohhhh....She moaned faintly at the thought. But if he's going to
fool around, so will I! I mean, he's got three fiancees...four if
you count Kodachi. Hmph. If I had four fiancees, he'd explode! And I'm
supposed to put up with him hanging around with all these other women.
Akane fumed, the pleasure of the hot water now serving only to fuel
her mental heat. "Baah. I bet he'd flip his top if I told him I wanted
to marry Ryouga." She grinned an evil grin. "That would serve him right
for being mean to me and my P-chan.
P-chan struggled not to faint from shock. She wants to marry me?
I...she...Or is she just thinking of things that would make Ranma angry?
Akane lost herself in interesting fantasies. "Maybe I should tell
him I'm engaged to Ryouga also now. That would show him two can play at
the multiple fiancee game! I've had enough of playing second, third,
fourth banana. Maybe I'd get a little attention then." Yeah! Then he
won't have an excuse to get angry for what I'm about to do, either.
For a moment, her conscience tried to stop her, but she brushed it away
with thoughts of how good Ryouga would look naked. Her hand slid down
and she started to pleasure herself, then stopped. Why do that when I've
got Ryouga right here?
Should I slip out and get some hot water so I can be hanging around
when she comes out? Good idea. This may be my best chance to profess my
love! P-chan began to slip towards the window. The motion attracted
Akane's attention.
"You're not going to run away again, are you, P-chan? Don't leave
me alone. I need someone to talk to." Akane said. P-chan froze in his
tracks.
I can't leave now. She needs me. P-chan sighed a piggy sigh and
wandered over closer, but not too close to the hot water.
To his suprise, Akane leaned over and picked him up. He squirmed,
succeeding only in falling into the water. Splash! The transformation
came over him, leaving him butt naked, lying on top of Akane. I'm
dogmeat, he thought.
He tried to get off her and only managed to tangle his legs with
hers and put one hand on her left breast. He bigsweated.
She smiled. "I've been hoping for this for a long
time...Ryouga-kun."
He blinked, tried to speak, and failed.
She smiled and said, "I'm yours, Ryouga-kun. Take me...now."
He almost fainted, then gave a start as he felt her hand reach up
and grasp his manhood. It responded in seconds, swelling against her
palm. He moaned faintly. "Akane-chan...I..."
She smiled. "Deeds, not words." She pulled him down into a kiss.
Pretty soon the sound of moaning was echoing to the ramparts. Well,
through the room, anyway.
***************************************************
***************************************************
Dark Queen Urd sat on her dark throne, in the land of Mordor where
the Shadows lie...Okay, actually she was on her dark throne in her
castle, the Castle of Eternal Orgasm, in the Megamiverse, on a planet
that would be called Earth if the inhabitants could ever stop moaning
long enough to talk. They were the first civilization ever to have 1000
different words that all mean "orgasm" in English.
Yet, all was not well with Dark Queen Urd. General Kinseyite had
failed her again. How will I ever collect all of the universe's sexual
energy if my servants constantly fail me. It's so hard to get good evil
help these days...
She stared at the sweating General Kinseyite, who tried to focus
past the three women and four men trying to strip him naked when they
weren't busy demonstrating twelve positions from the Kama Sutra
simultaneously. "So, General Kinseyite. You have failed me again. I
will give you one more chance...otherwise, you will be rendered impotent
and forced to clean the floors around here..."
He bigsweated. "But...no one's done that in over 1000 years! The
floors are so sticky that..."
"Do not fail me, Kinseyite. I have learned through my...ohh ohhh
ohhhhhhh...." She began to moan. General Fabioite was behind her,
licking her neck and removing her already scanty evil queen outfit.
Kinseyite sweated more and tried to boot away the people pulling off
his pants. "Learned what, my queen?"
"Someone is about to get laid and...ohohohohohohohohoh!"
Kinseyite levitated into the air, losing his pants, but preserving
his ability to concentrate at least a few more seconds. "And you want me
to steal their orgasm crystals?"
"Oh, yes...yes...yes...More! More! More!" Dark Queen Urd writhed
at Fabioite's touch.
"Who is it?"
"His name is...is...ohhhhhhhhhhh...."
"His name is Oh?"
"Saotome Ranma. Do it! Now!" General Fabioite stripped off the
rest of Dark Queen Urd's clothing.
General Kinseyite took this as his cue to leave. Hmm. What
condomian shall I send on this mission...
*************************************************************************
Ranma and Makoto watched TV nervously while they waited for Ukyou to
arrive. Ranma had his arms around Makoto's shoulders while she rested
her head on his shoulder. "Makochan...is this a dream?"
"There was a scene division, so probably not."
"What?" Ranma blinked.
"Oops, the cameras are running," she said.
*************************************************************************
<Lot 3>
Dark Queen Urd yelled, "CUT!"
Fabioite looked up from her bosom and said, "Cut what?"
"I meant the film crew!"
He turned and massacred the film crew with a blast of off-mauve
energy, cutting them into little bits.
Biles screamed. "She meant for them to stop the filming!"
"Well, this way also works." He went back to nuzzling Dark Queen
Urd.
Biles cried. "Somebody get a new film crew."
"Don't worry," Dark Queen Skuld said. "I had Frankensteinite clone
all the technical help, so it doesn't matter how many times we kill
them! The show will go on! Lemme go get them out of the refrigerator."
Biles cried some more.
Once the new film crew defrosted, Dark Queen Urd had them start
shooting from the start of the last scene.
*************************************************************************
****************************************************************************
<Music Cue: Someone to watch over me>
Tuxedo Kamen and Sailor Moon stood on top of Makoto's Apartment
building. "So she thinks some homocidal maniacs are after her friend
Ranma?" Tuxedo asked Moon.
"Remember the ribbon weilding maniac? Well, he's got other enemies
too. She thinks they may attack tonight. It's so cold up here..."
Tuxedo Kamen smiled and pulled his cape around Sailor Moon. "So how
much food did she promise you to get you to do this?"
"She's gonna make me lunch every day for a month!" Sailor Moon
drooled slightly at the thought of all that yummy food. Also, this means
I get to be alone with Mamoru all night long!
"Are the others in place?"
Moon nodded. "Ami and Rei are in place. I think Minako may
actually be busy making out with her new boyfriend..."
"Now there's an idea." Tuxedo Kamen smiled down at Sailor Moon who
smiled back. He swept her into his arms and they did many things that
will only be skipped because the next scene also has sex enough for three
people. For obvious reasons.
**************************************************************************
******************************************************************************
<Lot 3>
Shampoo grabbed Biles, who didn't do anything since he was still
tied into his director's chair. "Yes, Shampoo?"
"If Shampoo doesn't..." She stopped. "If I don't get a sex
scene...no...five sex scenes, I'm going to KILL YOU!"
Dark Queen Urd shook her head. "Torture yes, kill no. We need him
or the budget will be cut and we won't get to finish this."
"Shampoo will dress you as Shampoo and let Mousse in room with you
if...AAARGH! I'm doing it again. Well, you get the picture, Biles."
Shampoo said.
Biles paled and bigsweated. "Okay. You want a sex scene? You got
it. You want Five? You got it. You've gotta wait until we finish this
big sequence though."
Shampoo nodded. "Okay. I'll need to go to costuming anyway." She
walked off.
Biles smiled. I never said with who, hehehehehe, he thought.
******************************************************************************
**************************************************************************
<Music Cue: Twister, by Weird Al Yankovic>
As Condomian Madonna appeared in the bedroom, Makoto and Ukyou and
Ranma were engaged in something that resembled a perverted game of
Twister as much as it did sex. Makoto was talking into a star shaped
watch apparently getting instructions from someone on something called,
"The Cat and the Monkey make Time with the Starfish" from the Kama Sutra,
as being told to them by whoever was on the other end of the line. Ukyou
and Ranma were tied in a knot around her body, all of them busily
fondling each other in ways that seemed to defy the laws of physics.
Condomian Madonna blinked and wondered for a moment if she'd
accidentally teleported home. Luckily, they were too distracted to
notice her. Soon, Makoto finished the instructions and the three of them
began moaning loudly in unison. They writhed and fondled and licked and
kissed and did a lot of other things only really describable in a
language specially designed for describing sex. Ukyou was the first to
come, screaming and clutching Ranma's nose and Makoto's left leg.
As Condomian Madonna watched, Ukyou's orgasm crystal glowed
brightly, not that she could notice, being too busy feeling universes
exploding inside her. Condomian Madonna darted forward to reach into the
tangle and grab it, only to have the threesome twitch so that she ended
up grabbing Makoto's left breast instead. I think I'm going to be in
trouble now, she thought.
Makoto blinked, feeling another hand grab her. There's already four
hands on me, and I know I'm not grabbing myself. She spotted Condomian
Madonna. "Do I know you?"
"I'm uh...your new neighbor...Can I borrow some milk?"
"Planning to squeeze it yourself?" Makoto felt anger welling up in
her. What a rude neighbor! Wait a minute...Her new neighbor was almost
butt naked too. Great, my neighbor's a pervert...
"No, no, just go back to what you were doing...I'll uh...get it from
your fridge." Why am I wimping out? I'm a Condomian! No one makes me
submit but a Dominatrix! "On second thought...SUBMIT, PATHETIC HUMANS!
TO THE POWER OF THE MEGAMIVERSE! I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOUR ORGASM CRYSTALS
FOR DARK QUEEN URD! AND NOTHINK CAN STOP ME!" She began to laugh
maniacally.
Ranma growled. "I don't like being interrupted, especially when it
took us twenty minutes to just get into the starting position! Do you
know WHAT I DO TO PEOPLE WHO INTERFERE WHEN I'M HAVING SEX?"
Makoto blinked. No, Ranma! She's too dangerous! I've got to
handle this...Uh oh, my transformation pen's in my pants pocket...halfway
across the room...
Madonna blinked. "I...uh...no...I don't...uh..."
"Neither do I. It's never happened before, actually."
Everyone facefaulted.
Once they recovered, Makoto dived for her pants, grabbed it, and
pulled out the pen. While she was diving, Ukyou grabbed her spatula, and
Ranma lept at Madonna feet first. Madonna caught him and flipped him
over her into the wall. "HAHAHAH!!!! You pathetic people can't hope to
defeat me! Not to mention you weren't even doing that position right!
The guy is supposed to be the starfish, not the monkey!"
Ukyou growled. "What, you watched the whole thing and didn't even
tell us we made a mistake?" She leaped at the creature, pounding it into
the floor with her spatula.
Madonna pulled herself out of the floor. "SHI NE!*"
*As in DIE! in Japanese, not as in get bright :)
A blast of energy blew Ukyou across the room, out the window, and
across the street into the apartment Kinseyite and Madonna had observed
the room from.
Ranma got up. "NOW YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!"
Madonna tossed Ranma a 10 yen coin. "There ya go."
Ranma howled with rage. Meanwhile, Makoto held up her
transformation pen. Ranma will know who I am...but I don't want to keep
secrets from Ranchan. There won't be enough of this Condomian to tell
anyone anything after I'm done with her.
Condomian Madonna began singing "Like A Virgin" as she casually
chased Ranma around the room, trying to blast him.
"JUPITER STAR POWER, MAKE UP!!!!" Makoto went through her standard
transformation sequence, with one major difference...she was still butt
naked at the end of it except for her tiara. Her discarded clothing on
the floor had become her senshi uniform, though.
Jupiter sighed. Well, I think my security deposit's already toast...
"Sparkling WIDE PRESSURE!" A mighty blast of lightning formed into a
disk and struck Condomian Madonna, flinging her out of the apartment,
through the window, and across the road into the observation apartment.
Jupiter ran, and leaped out the window across the street, followed by Ranma.
As the legion of naked people leaped across the street, Sailor
Mercury looked up. Hmm. She spoke into her communicator. "Venus, you
help Jupiter, Mars, let's you and I go save Sailor Moon."
Venus's only response was a loud moan of pleasure. Mercury rolled
her eyes. "Look, no making out with your boyfriend while we're on duty!
A real threat has shown up!"
Venus sighed. "Right. Steven, I'll be back in a few minutes.
Gotta go bail out Jupiter. I'll get right on it, Mercury."
Mercury sighed. I knew something would happen tonight besides
Makoto getting laid. Again. I really need to get a boyfriend. Hmmm...
***************************************************************************
*****************************************************************************
Eventually, everyone went home, except Makoto who was home, Ukyou
who was going to stick with Ranchan, and Ranma, who was feeling up to a
few more hours of Mad Passionate Sex.
I could detail it all, but that's what the Kama Sutra or Caroline's
stories are for, ne?
****************************************************************************
****************************************************************************
Ryouga and Akane finally drifted off to sleep, exhausted, and Nabiki
ran out of tape. "Well, this should make me a nice profit on the Porno
market," she said to herself. "Unfortunately, now I'm
horny...Everyone's probably asleep by now...Oh well, good thing I
recharged the batteries on my dildo..." She packed up the film equipment
and turned around, then saw Shampoo.
Shampoo said, "Shampoo no can sleep. Too horny. Is airen here?"
Nabiki thought for a moment. "How much are you willing to pay?"
"Umm...Shampoo not think to bring her wallet."
Nabiki smiled and took Shampoo by the hand. "Follow me. I'll take
your pay in services."
You can guess what happened next. I'd rather not think about it. :)
****************************************************************************
<In Lot 3>
Shampoo stormed off the set. "I'm NOT sleeping with Nabiki!"
"You said you wanted five sex scenes. This will count." Biles
smirked, despite being tied to his director's chair.
Dark Queen Urd said, "We need at least one lesbian scene with real
girls in it. Besides, weren't the Amazons lesbian? Some of them,
anyway."
Shampoo frowned. "Not the Chinese ones! Well, not all of us. All
the time. Well, I like guys, anyway. Not to mention Nabiki is ugly. If
I have to sleep with a girl, can't it be someone pretty?"
Nabiki glared and developed a red battle aura. "UGLY? At least I
don't sleep with a DUCK!"
"I don't sleep with a duck! Ranma's the only one I want!"
Nabiki waved a tape in the air. "This says differently!"
Shampoo chased Nabiki out of sight. Dark Queen Urd sighed. "I'll
never get ANY orgasm crystals at this rate..."
Good, Biles thought. "Akemi, tell Godai we need a quick
rewrite...anything will do as long as it has sex in it."
Akemi nodded and called Godai, who sighed and whipped up another scene.
****************************************************************************
Rain poured down. Somewhere, a shot rang out. Suddenly, a pirate
ship appeared and plundered a small town. Cthulhu lay in his house at
R'yleh, sleeping. The stars were not yet right. Stormbringer howled for
souls, but Elric ignored it and put it back in its sheath. "Be not!"
someone said, and they weren't. I had dinner with Andre, that night, the
night the cliches came to town. Pretty soon, it all went to hell in a
handbasket. "In the mirror of her dreams, a man rides through," he
said.
Andre always was the cryptic type. That's why I loved him so. Our
love was fresh like a summer day, well maybe a spring day, summer around
here is pretty wretched and hot. "I am climbing Jacob's ladder," I
replied. It is our wont to converse entirely through literary and
musical allusions. "Just another fallen angel, trying to get through the
night."
****************************************************************************
<In Lot 3>
Dark Queen Urd said, "That didn't have any sex in it!"
Godai said, "Right. I'll fix that."
****************************************************************************
So we had sex on the table.
****************************************************************************
End of Preview. A LOT MORE to come, eventually :)
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu http://falcon.cc.ukans.edu/~ranma/falcon.html
http://www.dhp.com/~wraven/john/index.html
If you've ever watched the game warden through a gun sight...
You might be a redneck.