Part four was a real pain to write for some reason. Still, it's longer
than the previous episodes, and I was happy with the draft of it. I've
decided to stop writing in commericials, mostly cuz it takes too damn
long to think of them, and they really don't fit well. Maybe I'll space
them out more in the final draft, or maybe I'll just cut them out
entirely. Who knows.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
__
_ ___.-.__ /_ |
_ / \ _ (___ __) | |
| |\_/ / ` (___ __) |_|
| `--. / /_ .--` '-. =======
`---. |/ ) | .-. ._ \ .---.
.---' / /-. `-. `-' | `' (_.-. |
`----'`-' `---'`---' .'.'
.'.'_
(_____) The Nameless Saga
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ranma 1/2 and all characters and backstory in this Fanfic are the
creations and property of the illustrious Rumiko Takahashi-sama. Trust us on
that. The Nameless Saga was written by Mike Loader and far too much coffee.
--------------------------Episode 4: Cooking with Kasumi and P-Chan-------
(Zoom in on Uk-Chan's. We go to the back of the cafe, where Ukyo
has a small apartment. Ukyo, wrapped in a bathrobe, is lounging in
a overstuffed chair drinking tea and watching the morning news
on TV.)
TV: ...leading the Chronos Corporation to issue a 400,000,000 yen
reward for information leading to the apprehension of the courier
known as the Roadbuster. The Tokyo Police Department had no
official comment, but our sources say they are doubtful the
reward offer will be of any help. The Police Department has
already gone so far as to call in a officer of the Chicago Police,
who has been attempting to apprehend the courier for some time
now.
(This fails to stir any interest from Ukyo, who is still half-
asleep.)
TV: On a stranger note, Police in Nerima Ward have been barraged
by calls from hysterical women, all of whom claim that they were
assaulted by a amorphous creature who then made off with, uh,
articles of their clothing. An investigation of Nerima's water
supply failed to discover any hallucinogenic drugs, which,
incidentally, the city has tested the Nerima plant for over ten
times in the past year. City Officials had this to say.
(TV shows a dignified man in a business suit.)
Official: The place is full of nut cases.
TV: The Nerima Community Organization has turned out in protest.
(Ukyo, who had been paying mild attention, chuckles.)
Ukyo: As pleasant as Nerima is, I have to agree with that official.
Amorphous monster! (she laughs) Happosai has some competition
as the Scourge of Nerima's Women.
(There is a loud knocking from the front of the cafe.)
Ukyo: (sighing) Damnit, the opening hours are posted right there on
the door.
(She continues to watch TV. The knocking continues.)
Ukyo: (mutters) Idiots. (she yells) ALL RIGHT, I'M COMING! HOLD ON!
This had better be good...
(She stands slowly up, sets the teacup on her dresser, and adjusts
her bathrobe. The knocking continues.)
Ukyo: (angry) HOLD ON, DAMN IT! I'M COMING!
(She strides out of her apartment, into the cafe, and opens the
door. A bruised and miserable looking Soun and Genma are
standing there.)
Ukyo: (shocked) Mr. Tendo! Mr. Saotome! What happened to you?
Genma: It's a long story. Have you seen Ranma or Akane?
Ukyo: No...didn't they come home last night? (she looks worried)
Genma: We don't know. Kasumi threw us out of the dojo.
(Soun bursts out crying.)
Ukyo: Kasumi? When was this?
Soun: (crying) Kasumi, *sob* her own father....
Genma: Last night, right after we were chased by the monster.
(Ukyo begins to laugh, then sees that he isn't joking.)
Ukyo: You mean there really is a monster roaming Nerima and
attacking women?
Genma: (gulps) Attacking women?
Ukyo: Yes, it was on the morning news. It's been stealing, ah,
certain articles of clothing, too.
Genma: Yes...it looked like a giant semi-liquid okonomiyaki, as a
matter of fact.
(Ukyo's eyes light up with interest.)
Ukyo: (casually) Really? You don't say...You both look famished, by
the way. When did you last eat?
Genma: That would be yesterday's lunch.
Soun: Kasumi made it for us...my darling baby....(he has a crying
fit)
Ukyo: (sympathetically) You poor men. Come on inside; I'll start up
the grill and you can tell me all about this.
(Scene changes to the Nekohanten. Ranma and Akane are staring at
Cologne in horror, and Kodachi and Shampoo are also staring at
Cologne, though not particularly horrified.)
Akane: Permanent? What do you mean?
Cologne The tea's energy will have gained enough of a foothold to
begin actually producing more tea inside her bloodstream. If that
happens, Nabiki's lifespan will be very short and very destructive.
The average human simply can't hold that much raw energy for a
prolonged period of time.
Kodachi: (yawns) What a pity. My brother will have to find a new
source.
Ranma and Akane: Source?
Kodachi: Never mind. Well, Bodylotion, it looks like you don't have
to give the kiss of death after all. Nabiki can die horribly all by
herself.
Akane: (furious) Why, why you....
Shampoo: That's Shampoo. And you right, punishment does fit
crime.
Ranma: No...that's...(he turns to Cologne, appealing) There must be
something we can do! Nabiki isn't my favorite person in the world,
but I can't just let her die like this!
Cologne: There is one hope for her, if you can call it a hope. It's a
pretty slim one, at best.
Akane: (a bit tearfully) What? What can we do?
Cologne: There is a herb known as Temerrit, that if blended into a
tea and given to Nabiki will purge the Varaiyah Tea from her
system. But this will only work within the next two weeks. Once
her body begins producing the tea on its own, the Temerrit will be
outclassed and useless.
Kodachi: Much like Nabiki herself.
(Akane lashes out with a punch, but is blocked by Shampoo.)
Shampoo: If you going to hit Crazy Begonia Lady, you at least warn
her first.
Kodachi: Roses, dear, roses. Come along. You're up two games on
me, and I want a rematch. Nobody defeats the Black Rose, not even
at Mah-Jongg!
Shampoo: (smirks) You think so, dear?
(They leave.)
Cologne: I can't say that I approve of my granddaughter's choice of
company. That Kuno girl is one taco short of a combination plate.
Ranma: (sarcastically) No, really? I hadn't noticed. Thanks for
pointing that out. Now, where can we find this Temerrit stuff?
Cologne: Both herbs come from the same place. Varaiyah, China.
(Ranma's face suddenly goes slack, he gets a blank expression.
Zoom on a flashback.
...He is standing on a mountaintop in China. A fortress sits upon a
nearby peak. Ranma walks toward it, and is soon inside, in a vast
hall. A stone figure sits on a throne at one end.)
Ranma: Where am I?
Figure: Varaiyah. It is below.
Ranma: What is?
Figure: What you seek. Here it is now.
(We sense the shadow enter.)
Ranma: NO! I'm not looking for it, I have to get away from it!
(The floor disappears. Ranma falls...)
Akane: (breaking in) Ranma? Ranma? Are you all right?
Ranma: (coming back to reality with a start) Huh? Oh, yeah, I just
got a bit dizzy for a moment. The poison still hasn't quite worn
off.
Cologne: Varaiyah is in many ways a harsh, backwards place. It is
ruled by a feudal overlord of some sort, who holds his power by
fear.
Akane: Wait a minute. This is ridiculous. Isn't there _anywhere_
in China controlled by the government? Didn't the Communists
take over back in the fifties?
Cologne: Girl, when YOUR country takes up most of the biggest
landmass on earth and a fifth of humanity, then you can criticize
them for being a little slack in some areas. Besides, all the
Communists had were guns and tanks and bombs. The rulers of
Varaiyah have the tea.
Ranma: How can that make such a difference? It can't be that
potent, can it?
Cologne: You've seen my granddaughter fight. And I understand
that Kodachi is no slouch herself. Nabiki fought off both off them
with no effort. Am I getting my point across?
Ranma: Okay, old ghoul. I get the idea already.
Akane: Daddy and Kasumi! We'd better warn them about Nabiki.
Ranma: Yeah, right. Thanks for the advice, troll.
Cologne: Anytime, future Son-in-Law. Be careful. I don't want to
have to find another fiancee for my granddaughter.
Akane: (sweetly) I'm sure you'll have to do that anyway,
eventually. Goodbye, Cologne.
(She leaves, pulling Ranma after her. Outside, Kodachi and
Shampoo watch them go from behind a bush.)
Shampoo: Damn. Maybe I have to give kiss of death after all.
Kodachi: And I was looking forward to providing the flower
arraignments at Nabiki's funeral.
(They are both silent for awhile.)
Kodachi: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Hairdye?
Shampoo: That's Shampoo. Yes, I believe I am.
Kodachi: Not that we would do anything that might hurt Ranma
darling....
Shampoo: Certainly not! But if they delayed, for a week or two....
Kodachi: Well, a pity about poor Nabiki.
Shampoo: Come on, Crazy Dandelion Lady. We have bag to pack.
Kodachi: Dear, they're roses. I'll charter a boat. AHahaHAhAHaha....
(Shampoo's laughter joins hers, and they walk off together. Scene
changes to Uk-chan's, where Genma and Soun are wolfing down
okonomiyaki by the plateful. Ukyo is looking on, a pleased
expression on her face.)
Ukyo: You say Happosai was actually eaten by this thing? How
could that be? The pervert was a such a nimble little bastard.
Genma: (sweating) Well, uh, he.....
Soun: (also sweating) ...He, er, tripped. Over, an, uh.....
Genma: ...a hedgehog in the middle of the path.
(Soun gives him an incredulous glare, Genma elbows him in the
ribs.)
Soun (wincing) Yes, that's it. A (he rolls his eyes) hedgehog.
Genma: They blend right in, hedgehogs do. Unobtrusive little
buggers. The master didn't see it at all, fell flat on his face...
Soun: ...and twisted his ankle.
Genma: (at the same time) ...and broke his ankle.
(They glare at each other.)
Ukyo: (puzzled) I don't understand. Did he break his ankle, or twist
it?
Genma: (sweating) Uh, well, um, funny thing.....
Soun: ....he broke one and twisted the other.
Genma: Yes! Yes, that's exactly what happened. (sincerely) Our
poor master.
(Ukyo stares at them suspiciously. They both look back at her with
guileless, innocent, wide-eyed expressions.)
Ukyo: Right.
(Genma and Soun's expressions become even more innocent. Ukyo
sighs.)
Ukyo: Well, it seems that Happosai had some kind of influence on
the thing. The creature has been collecting undergarments all
around Nerima, if you can believe the TV. Something's going to
have to be done about this.
Genma: (nervously) Now, let's not jump to conclusions....
Soun: No need to be hasty...
Ukyo: (determined) Look, gentlemen. Your master is the influence
behind these attacks, which makes it your responsibility to stop
it.
Genma: Now wait a minute! Even if that were true, which it
obviously isn't, what could we do? Not that we're afraid..
Soun: Of course we aren't...
Genma: ...but how to you fight an amorphous blob of dough?
Ukyo: I don't want you to fight it. I want you to distract it.
Soun: Distract it?
Ukyo: (firmly) I shall fight it. (she gets a distant look) This shall
be the ultimate triumph of my art, to actually face an
Okonomiyaki on the field of battle. This is what I have been
training all my life for!
Genma: You WANT to fight it?!?
Ukyo: (still miles away) I shall go down in history as the greatest
practitioner of Martial Arts Okonomiyaki Cooking that ever lived!
No, all I want you to do is serve as bait. This thing is mine!
Genma: (in courageous tone) Well, that's different! Never let it be
said that either a Tendo or a Saotome shirked combat!
Soun: Of course! We shall be happy to fight by your side!
Ukyo: That's a relief, because you'll be in considerable danger for
part of this.
Soun: ...but, sadly we can't. We, uh, threw out our backs fighting
the monster...
Genma: (loudly) OOWWWW! My back! (clutches his spine)
Soun: So we can't, good luck though...
Ukyo: (sweetly) That's okay. I'll just call Kasumi and have her pick
you up.
Genma: (in astonished tone) My back! It's healed!
Soun: Mine too! A miracle!
Ukyo: (hefting her Combat Spatula) Come on, gentlemen. We have a
rogue pancake to bring down. (Her eyes shine fiercely) It shall be
glorious!
Genma and Soun: (less than thrilled) Right, glorious.
(They stand, and follow Ukyo out the door.)
(Break for Commercial)
(Clip from Pulp Fiction, w/ Jules reciting Ezekiel.)
Jules: ...And you will KNOW my name is THE LORD, when I LAY MY
VENGEANCE UPON THEE!
(Martin screams, Jules fires. Cut to a thug in a Tarantinoesque
business suit.)
Thug: That was real cool, wasn't it? Old Jules, he sure pulled that
off with style. And why? Because he took the time to do a bit of
research, to add a little culture. And as a result, he was known as
one bad mother. If you're a hit man, executioner, or even just a
bouncer, you're probably wished that YOU had something like that
to say right before YOU lowered the boom on people. And that's
why Dregs Press is pleased to bring you this book, (holds up book)
"1001 Classical Coldblooded Things To Recite Before You Waste
Some Punk." Now YOU TOO can demonstrate your cultural acumen
while popping a cap.
(Clip of a hitman about to kill a guy on the floor.)
Hitman: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day, shithead?
(Opens fire, switch back to thug.)
Yes, this book can be yours for the low, low price of only $40.
And, if you order now, we'll also send you, free of charge, this
companion volume, "Witty Conversation About Fast Food." Liven
up those boring drives to your target, just like Jules and Vincent!
(Clip of hitman in a car with some other guy.)
Hitman: You know what they call French Fries in Belgium?
Other guy: What?
Hitman: Pomme Frites.
(Switch back to thug.)
Thug: So call today. Don't be the only killer in your syndicate
without it.
(End of commercials)
(We open on Ranma and Akane running back towards the dojo.
Ranma, for once, isn't running along the fence. Akane notices
this.)
Akane: (in teasing voice) Suddenly afraid of heights, Ranma?
Ranma: (slows a bit, he seems a bit serious) No, I just..
(Flashback. Ranma is running along the fence. He looks terrified,
and a shadow behind him indicates that something is chasing him.
He keeps running, but the shadow seems to be getting closer.)
Ranma: (panicking) Help! Somebody, help!
(With a start, he comes back to reality. He has stopped running,
and is trembling a bit.)
Akane: Ranma? Are you okay? You got that distant look again...
Ranma: (shaken) Yeah, I'm fine. I had this crazy dream last night...
Akane: I remember. You woke up screaming. Whatever it was must
have scared you pretty bad.
(She braces herself, expecting him to angrily deny being
frightened by something like a dream. Instead, he sits down by the
side of the road.)
Ranma: (in a low tone) Yeah, it did. I've never been so terrified in
my life, not even that time dad threw me in with the cats. I felt
so helpless, so...
(Akane sits down beside him.)
Akane: People get frightened. Especially in dreams, where you
don't have any control. With all that poison in your system, it's no
wonder that you had that kind of nightmare. The thing to do is just
to try and forget about it.
Ranma: I guess. But I can't help feeling that it was trying to tell
me something...
Akane: They say dreams do have hidden meanings to them. But in
this case, I think the message was worse that whatever it was
addressing.
Ranma: (shudders) You got that right. Listen, Akane, (he gets a
slightly embarrassed tone) thanks for, you know, staying with me
last night. It was real, (he fumbles, looking for what to say.) , uh,
real nice of you.
Akane: (also slightly embarrassed) Oh, that..well, you know, it
wasn't any trouble really, I mean...
(She breaks off, and they just stare at each other for a few
seconds.)
Akane: (flustered) Well, we'd better make sure daddy and Kasumi
are okay, right? (she stands.)
Ranma: (also stands, both relieved and slightly disappointed) Yeah,
warn them that there's yet another psychotic female Tendo
around.
Akane: (in a playful tone) Baka.
(She runs off towards the dojo. Ranma stands there for a second, a
strange look on his face, and then runs after her. Scene changes to
the inside of the dojo. A terrified looking P-Chan is hiding behind
a stack of mats in the dojo. We can hear Kasumi's voice in the
distance.)
Kasumi: Oh, P-Chan! P-Chaaannnn! Kasumi's got a wonderful recipe
for pork chops she'd like to try! P-Chan! You come on out, now.
(P-Chan hunkers down, trying to keep a low profile.)
Kasumi: (her voice seems closer) Now where could you be hiding?
You seem so skittish, you'd almost think you understood what I
was saying...(she laughs.)...Now, you come out, you succulent little
morsel...
(P-Chan gives an involuntary squeal of terror, Kasumi hears it and
knocks the mats away with a sweep of her mop.)
Kasumi: Oh my! Lunchtime!
P-Chan: BWHEEEEEEE!!!!
(He tries to make a dash for it, but Kasumi throws her mop with
deadly accuracy between his sets of legs, tripping him. Kasumi
pounces on him.)
Kasumi: (stands, holds the dazed P-Chan up to her face) You should
make about two or three servings...
P-Chan: (weakly struggling) Bwheeee...
(The doorbell rings.)
Kasumi: (brightly) Visitors!
(Holding P-Chan in one hand and the mop in the other, she walks
off to get the door. Scene change to the front porch. Ranma-chan
and Akane are standing there.)
Akane: I still don't understand why you changed.
Ranma: If Nabiki decides to stop us from getting our parents and
Kasumi out, I want to be in a form that I'll feel comfortable
attacking her in. You know I don't...
Akane: (rolling her eyes) ...Hit girls when you're a boy. Right. But
couldn't you have though of this earlier? My hands are all muddy
from scooping up that rainwater in the road.
(Kasumi opens the door, holding a squealing P-Chan.)
Kasumi: Ranma! Akane! Come in! I was just about to make lunch.
Ranma: (urgently) Kasumi, you've got to get Pop and Mr. Tendo and
leave, as fast as you can. Nabiki's drunk some Chinese herb that's
made her dangerous.
Kasumi: Oh my!
Ranma: Hurry and get them, we'll be waiting for you right here.
Kasumi: Sorry, but I can't. I've got so much work to do, and I'd
never get it done if I leave now...
Ranma: You don't understand. Nabiki could kill you!
Kasumi: Oh, I don't think so. Were you going to stay for lunch?
Akane: Kasumi, please...(she reaches out and takes Kasumi by the
hand, intending to gently pull her outside. Kasumi sees Akane's
muddy hand touch hers, and her face contorts with a most un-
Kasumilike expression of rage.)
Kasumi: (screaming) DON'T YOU SMEAR ME WITH YOUR FILTH, YOU
DISGUSTING LITTLE VERMIN!!!
(She brings her free arm around in a vicious backhand, knocking
Akane across the porch.)
Ranma: AKANE!
(She runs over to Akane, who is sitting up with an expression of
sick disbelief on her face)
Akane: (in a numb whisper) Onee.....Oneechan?
(Kasumi has been violently wiping her arm off on a cloth. Ranma
stares at her in horror.)
Ranma: No. Oh no. She must have drunk the tea was well...
(Kasumi finshes, and her face goes back to the normal Happy-
Kasumi expression.)
Kasumi: (brightly) So, were you staying for lunch?
Ranma: Kasumi, what are you doing with P-Chan?
Kasumi: I'm going to be cooking him for lunch, of course. You like
pork chops, don't you, Ranma?
Akane: No...no, Oneechan, you can't, you wouldn't.....
Ranma: Drop the pig, and back away slowly. Where are Pop and Mr.
Tendo?
Kasumi: They tried to come in, but they were so dirty...I had to
throw them out, before they polluted the whole house.
Ranma: (quietly) Did you hurt them?
Kasumi: I don't know. They didn't move for a while, but they're
gone now....how many pork chops do you want, Ranma?
Ranma: Give P-Chan to me, Kasumi. Please.
Kasumi: (laughs) But I haven't prepared him yet! My goodness,
you're impatient today! Stay right there, and I'll bring you both a
big plate...
Ranma: Sorry about this, Kasumi.
(He makes a grab for P-Chan, attempting to push Kasumi back at
the same time. Kasumi twists, pulls the mop out of nowhere, and
brings it around in a swing that catches Ranma in the stomach.
Ranma doubles over and stumbles back.)
Kasumi: Now, that wasn't very considerate of you, Ranma.
(She swings the mop again. Ranma tries to dodge, but Kasumi is
wielding it with a speed that puts Kuno and his bokken to shame.
First one swing, then another connect, until Ranma is finally
knocked to the ground. Kasumi stands over him, holding the mop
tip to his throat.)
Kasumi: Well, you'll be one less person to clean up after.
(She raises the mop, preparing to bring it down full-force on his
windpipe. Before she can, however, a mallet swing strikes her in
the back of the head, bringing her to her knees. She drops P-Chan,
who scampers away, squealing.)
Akane: (whispering) Oneechan, I'm sorry....
(Ranma groggily stands up.)
Ranma: (grabs her) C'mon, Akane, we gotta get out of here!
Akane: But...
(Kasumi is shaking her head, and beginning to stand.)
Ranma: (pleading) Akane, please. We can't do anything for her here.
(Akane whips her head around to stare at Ranma, then Kasumi.
Then, with a sob, she runs. Ranma follows her. Kasumi, who has
regained her feet, watches them go.)
Kasumi: Those two are always in a hurry. Well, I'd better make
lunch. Maybe duck, instead...
(She walks back inside the house. Cut to a guy sitting in a chair,
typing on a Mac. He has a slightly crazed air to him, and the near-
empty 2-gallon coffee mug sitting by him gives a likely reason
for his hands shaking.)
Writer: (still typing furiously) Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket....
(A lightning bolt somehow does a U-turn through an open window,
striking him. There is a flash of bright light, and suddenly he is
standing in front of the Kuno Mansion.)
Writer: Huh? Isn't that....it is! My God, I'm inside the fanfic!
Kuno's Voice: (from a distance) ...the Blue Thunder of Furinkan
High...
(There is the expected crash of thunder. A lightning bolt slams out
of the sky, striking the writer, who finds himself back in the
chair.)
Writer: Oh. Never mind.
(He resumes typing.)
(Break for Commercial)
This Space for Rent.
(End of commercials)
(Zoom on Ukyo, Soun, and Genma wandering through the streets of
Nerima. Ukyo has a determined air to her, while Soun and Genma
seem to be wishing they were somewhere else.)
Ukyo: (frustrated) Damn! Where could it be? Why won't it show
itself?
Genma: No doubt it is scared to approach three people together.
Soun: Yes, that must be it. We are hindering your search! Come,
Saotome, let's go.
Ukyo: Isn't that Kasumi over there?
Genma: For shame, Tendo! We couldn't possibly leave Miss Kuonji
to face this thing alone. We must stay to insure our, I mean her
safety.
Soun: (glancing nervously around for Kasumi) Of course, how silly
of me...
Ukyo: Thank you SO very much.
(She peers up and down the street. Nothing.)
Ukyo: (frustrated) Of all the women in the city, why won't it
attack me?
(Genma and Soun look at her work shirt and jeans pointedly.)
Ukyo: (looks at them for a minute) Oh no...you don't think...
Genma: (coughs embarrassedly) Well...I mean, er, it isn't exactly
obvious...
Soun: I suppose, mmm, it might not realize, uh, that you....
Genma: ...that you are...
Soun: ...Well, it would be an understandable mistake....
Ukyo: (irritated) Yeah, tell me about it.
Genma: (hastily) Not that that's a BAD thing, of course....
Soun: Far from it!
Ukyo: But it HAS to show itself! (Raises her voice) CREATURE! HEY
AMORPHOUS CREATURE! LOOK!
(She raises her shirt. The entire street stops, and stares. Genma
hastily covers Soun's eyes.)
Genma: Um....Miss Kuonji...I don't think it's around here...um....your
shirt?
Guy on the Street: (to another) Amorphous Creatures have all the
luck.
(Ukyo seems to come to her senses, and lowers her shirt. There is
a collective groan of disappointment, and motion resumes. Genma
removes his hand from Soun's eyes.)
Ukyo: (embarrassed) Sorry. I don't know what came over me.
Genma: I think that was a matter of what didn't come over you.
Ukyo: Er. Right.
(There is a scream from about a block away.)
Ukyo: (suddenly alert) The creature! Follow me!
(She dashes off. Genma and Soun look at each other, shrug, and
follow her.)
END OF EPISODE 4