====================================================================== ALPHA ROBOTECH !!: Screwloose ALPHA ====================================================================== A one-shot deal. Well, OK. Two shots, but only one of them counts. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- by Christopher Willmore ---------------------------------------------------------------------- All characters are copyright someone else. For Neoculture, who will flame me the minute he reads this story. Preliminary notes: a) Not a single Ranma char appears in this whole story. None. Nessuno. Ninguno. Zip. Zilch. Got it? b) This has NOTHING to do with my Ranma 2096 series. If you think I'll tie it in, go hang yourself. At the rate at which I'm bringing people back to life, chances are that you'll be resurrected in 2097. c) Due to the Exon bill, I'm afraid I'll have to tone down the language. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Space itself is infinite. That's REALLY, REALLY, big. However, most things IN space are much smaller. And not just one size of smaller; MANY sizes. All sorts. Great variety. The range of sizes in the objects to be found in just one, tiny region of space is amazing. Take, for instance, that area just a few thousand kilometres from Pluto. You know the one. Cold, usually empty, dreadfully difficult to find a decent hamburger if you're hungry.... Usually, it was empty, but today... Today was different, and it was filled with curious shapes of all dimensions. First, there were the pretty little blue, white and green dust particles floating around. Then there were the larger blue, white and green chunks that those particles had been made out of. Above that came the larger, heavily armed, green and blue&white structures that had blasted the chunks into dust particle in the first place. And finally, there were two huge, bulky, substantialities. One was green, and somewhat cigar- shaped. One was blue&white, and no one could really say what shape it was in one word. Inside the green cigar-shaped substantiality, a rather large blue-skinned entity shook his ponderous head in dissatisfaction. He was quite upset that though there had been a lot more green structures than blue&white ones to start with, these were now mostly green chunks and dust particles, which far outnumbered the blue&white ones. He turned to his lackey, a purplish-skinned, green-haired fellow about half as tall as he was. "Lackey," he said. "I am getting very tired of this. Let us end it NOW. Ready the main cannon!" "But... But... Commander Breetai!" the lackey stammered. "Our objective is to RECAPTURE the SDF-1, not DESTROY it!" Breetai looked at his attendant, his organic eye as cold and evil-looking as the robotic one. "Let me put it another way. If we destroy the SDF-1, we will no longer have to listen to that inane 'singing' of theirs." The lackey looked at Breetai for a second or two. "Ready the main cannon!" he ordered. ====================================================================== MANDATORY QUOTES: "Roy was dead, to begin with. There was no doubt whatever about THAT..." -What the Dickens?!? "#17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability Minmei is a bimbo." - From the 'Laws of Anime'... ====================================================================== On the bridge of the SDF-1, Commander Lisa Hayes was trying not to yawn as she listened to Minmei try to explain to Captain Gloval exactly why she needed to be subsidized by the Macross government. Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, in her case, the captain seemed to be paying more attention to her physique than to her words. "Well, *giggle* the government pays for all the weapons, right? And my song helped destroy the Zentraedi?" Captain Gloval nodded. Commander Hayes nodded off. "And anything that helps destroy the Zentraedi is a weapon. Right?" Nod. Yawn. "Well, then! My songs are included in the set containing all Macross weapons, and since the Macross government pays for all members of that set, it should pay for me, and so I should be subsidized!" Lisa shook her head. She *knew* it had been a mistake to make her take that course in set theory... "You're SO right," she said. "Just think of all the costs we could save in the judicial system, thanks to you!" "Nani?" "All we have to do is threaten to attack someone with your 'weapons', and they will be sure to do anything we say!" Minmei nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, you understand! I'm so happy, Commander! Arigato!" Lisa sighed. How could ANYONE be so thick? She took that back. Rick Hunter was... Rick Hunter. She smiled to herself. Of course! He'd gotten quite friendly with her lately, and it was common knowledge that Minmei was hot on him... Well, Minmei was hot on every eligible (or non-eligible) Macross male (or female), but especially on Pilot Hunter... This was the perfect opportunity to get back at her. "Pilot Hunter," she said over the intercom. "Report to the bridge." "Huh?" both the Captain and the singer verbalised. "Oh, just some technical details concerning the Veritech that I have to go over. Don't mind me..." At that moment, the doors to the bridge hissed open, and Rick Hunter walked in, uniformed and carrying his helmet under his arm. He saluted to Commander Hayes. "Pilot Rick Hunter reporting for duty, Sir, Ma'am.. Er..." He tried to take his eyes off her chest inconspicuously, without much success. Lisa smiled. This was EXACTLY what she wanted. "Not Sir or Ma'am, Rick. Just Lisa. Or honey-bunny, if you like..." A wink from Hayes, a blush from Hunter, a glare from Minmei and a nosebleed from Gloval later, a red light blinked on and off on the main console. "Darn!" cursed Hayes. "Darn it to Tarnation!" cursed Gloval. "Uh... What's wrong?" asked Rick. "The Zentraedi are charging up their main cannon," explained his would-be paramour. The intelligent one. "Is that bad?" "Considering that a single blast could destroy the SDF-1, yes." "How much time do we have?" "About ten minutes." "What can we do?" "Not much, without the rest of the bridge crew." Rick Hunter looked around and noticed for the first time that there were only four people on the bridge, himself included. "Um... This may sound dumb, but... Shouldn't the other officers be here, helping to FLY this thing?" "They would be, except..." "Except?" "Except that they were all here when Minmei sang her song, and now they're being treated for severe mental illness at the Macross Psychiatric clinic. In a few decades, they *might* recover." "Oh. That's bad?" "Yes." "There is ONE thing we can do," said the Captain. "What is that?" asked Hayes. "Normally, it would take the combined effort of all the officers to pull this off, but I had a macro installed since the last time..." Gloval reached for a button on his chair's side. "Captain? If that's the transform, I wouldn't..." "We will transform, and blast those suckers into bits!" "Captain Gloval," repeated Hayes, "That isn't a good idea... There's still a few..." Too late. Having been hypnotized by Minmei's presence, the head of the SDF-1 was not paying attention to her warnings, and pressed the button. The ship began to shake and vibrate as doors closed and areas rotated in preparation for the morph. Suddenly, one of the SDF's side-ships flew by the main viewer. "...screws loose." "COMMANDER HAYES! WHAT WAS _THAT_?!?!?" "Well, Captain, most of the mechanics also listened to the song, and..." "WELL?!?" More assorted bits of the SDF careened by. "They... Forgot to tighten the screws. We're falling apart." "Is there any way to put us back together?" "No." A bluish glow suffused the entire region of space in which they found themselves, right before the SDF-1's bridge detached itself from the rest of the fling fortress. "Oh, F**K!" shouted Hunter. From behind him, a familiar voice. "You called?" Rick turned to see who had spoken, and his jaw dropped. It was Roy F**ker, his late unit commander. Late, as in dead. Stiff. Blown up. Kaboom. Gone. "Roy! I thought you were DEAD!" The others stared. "Well, I was..." the dead man rubbed the back of his head. "In fact, I was off in heaven just a few minutes ago, just about to score with this 'Purpleton' angel I'd had my sights on for a while, when I suddenly appeared here... You mean you guys are still alive?" Lisa checked her monitor, then said cheerfully. "For another five minutes!" The late captain beamed. "Oh, great! I can't WAIT to show you guys around the nether- world... Rick, you wouldn't BELIEVE the..." "Roy, we don't *WANT* to die." "Come on! It's not that bad! Rather pleasant, actually, once you get over the pain of being vaporised into your constituent atoms..." "Did I say five MINUTES?" asked Lisa. "I meant, five SECONDS." Captain Gloval paled. Rick turned green. Minmei just giggled. "Uh-oh," said Rick. "I'm beginning to think that transform was a bad thing..." admitted Gloval. A huge yellow beam of energy flew from an opening in the Zentraedi mothership, destroying most of the SDF-1 fragments and assorted Veritechs, but miraculously missing the now-independent bridge. "They missed!" cried F**ker. "With such a huge energy beam, how the f**k could they f**king miss?!?" He waved his arms wildly at the main viewer. "We're over here!" Rick looked at him. "You don't have to be *quite* that enthusiastic..." "I don't know..." said Minmei. "Might be fun to see heaven. Is Elvis there?" "Nope," replied the two-asterisks man. "He's still alive." "Oh. Well, then, I don't want to die, either." Another red lighted blinked to life. "Doesn't look like you have a choice," said Hayes. "They're preparing to fire again, and it's pointed straight at us." "Prepare to jump!" said the Captain. Minmei hopped. "Not THAT kind of jump, sweetie." "OH!" The singer giggled. "Captain?" asked Lisa. "Yes?" "The whole reason we're stuck out here, next to Pluto, is that we *can't* jump. Remember?" "Oops." "You mean," said Rick, "that we're STUCK here, while those giants aim their gun at us?" "I'm afraid so." "Oh, Rick! What are we going to do?" Minmei ran over to the pilot and glomped him. Hayes scowled. "Um... How long do we have?" Rick did his best to ignore his new appendage. "If the last one is anything to go by, four minutes." "Do we have ANY propulsion?" "Only the solar sails, and it takes TEN minutes to get THEM hoisted." "Oh, sheet!" cursed Rick. Another blue glow. [***To Kunoichi, Ishido, the White-Robed Mathematician and RPM: This is *not* what you think it is.***] "Oh? You were expected me?" All eyes turned to look at a small girl who had suddenly materialised in front of them. "Who are YOU?" asked Rick. The girl looked confused. "You just said my name! I'm Sheet. Short for Lusheeta. Heir to the royal line of Laputa. I'm here to claim my 'Castle in the Sky'." though Hunter to himself. "Well, I don't know about a 'Castle in the Sky'", said Lisa, staring at the still-glompant Minmei, "but you've certainly found 'la puta'..." "Young lady," explained Gloval, "this is the Super Dimensional Fortress, and you're in outer space, not the sky." "Oh." "Oh, goody!" said F**ker. "There's an energy bulge around the Zentraedi gun port! They'll be firing any second, now!" "Firing?" asked Sheet. "Firing." said F**ker. "As in, shooting an extremely powerful energy beam capable of vaporising anything in its path from a ship the size of a small city?" "Yes." "Which ship is it?" All hands pointed at the Zentraedi mothership. "LAPUTA!" Sheet rushed to the window, and tried to grab the ship. "It's not..." "They're firing." warned Lisa. "WHAT?!? NOW?!?" asked nearly everyone in the room. "Now." "Oh, you'll LOVE Nina!" Roy said to Rick. She's quite the... He was interrupted by a huge energy discharge headed in their direction. Sweat beads formed on the foreheads of all the living beings present, while, in true anime fashion, the beam approached at considerably less than 3.0x10^8 m/s. Right before the beam hit, there was a blue glow. Right after the blue glow, the SDF's bridge was alone. A collective blink. "Where'd Laputa go?" Sheet was on the verge of tears. "Where'd the Zentraedi fleet go?" asked Gloval. "Where's the f**king BEAM go?!?" asked F**ker. Indeed, the substantiality, the structures, the chunks, and even the pretty multicolored dust particles had all disappeared, leaving the bridge utterly alone in deep space. "They must have... Accidentally jumped..." said Hayes. "And taken the beam with them? That's SOME jump!" Minmei hopped again. Captain Gloval stared at her jiggling chest. "THAT'S some jump, as well," he admitted. Silence. "Er... What do we do NOW?" asked Rick. "You could always commit mass suicide!" suggested F**ker. "NO!" "Come on! I *really* want to show you off! Do it for me, PLEASE???" The Captain looked around. "Any other ideas?" "Well," said Lisa, "we _do_ have the emergency food supply, which should be good for a few months. Suppose we hoist the solar sails and make for Earth?" "Aww, you're no fun..." complained Roy. "Oooo... A few months of space travel with Rick... I'll be eating MORE than the emergency rations. *giggle*" If you hadn't guessed, that was Minmei. "That... WASN'T Laputa?", asked Sheet. "Oh, that was La Puta, all right," said Hayes killing the joke. "I'm confused," complained the girl. "Aren't we all..." Rick sighed. "Very well," said Gloval. "Let's not waste any more time. Hoist sails!" "Aye, aye, Captain!" said Hayes. "Solar Sail Activation!" Huge solar-energy collector panels rose from the sides of the bridge, transforming it into something that looked remarkably like an ancient galleon. After a few minutes of gathering photons, generators hummed into life, and the ship set sail towards Earth... [Music Cue: Overture to "Der Fliegende Hollander", by Wagner] ====================================================================== Next - Robotech !!: Voyager! ====================================================================== This pathetic attempt at a parody has been brought to you by: Christopher Willmore 4cw6@qlink.queensu.ca DETAILED Flames and C&C (detailed or not) are much appreciated.