The Wrath of Heaven is Slow but Sure.
--Tatewaki Kunou
In the not-too-distant future--
Next Sunday A.D.--
There was a guy named Bailesu,
Not too different from you or me.
He studied at the University of Maryland,
Just another grad student in a red t-shirt
He did a good job studying Merry old England,
But his professors didn't like him
So they shot him into Kansas...
We'll send him lots of fanfic,
The most we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Bailesu can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used that part of the budget
To hire some helpful friends.
Commentator Roll Call: (Let's go!)
John Walter Biles as Dread Space Pirate Bailesu! (The egotistical God of
Fanfiction, just ask him :))
Amy Anderson as Mizuno Ami! (The helpful commentator)
Albercrombie the Space Gopher as Albercrombie the Space Gopher(The
useless^H^H^H^H^H^H guest commentator)
If you're wondering how he finds time to eat and study
and other grad school facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's his life,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Fanfic Commentary Theatre 3000!"
[Bailesu and Ami settle in to the theater for another show. Bailesu has the
popcorn.]
Bailesu: Damn, I really wished we could have gotten a guest commentator for
this one.
Ami: Well, we had one, until she found the pet store on the way over here.
Bailesu: I told you not to recruit Elmyra! God, I'm just glad we weren't
gonna review a Tenchi Muyo fic - If she would have seen Ryo-Ohki, it would
have been all over the little furball.
Ami: Anyway, what do we do now?
Bailesu: Watch the show, what else? Popcorn?
Ami: No thanks, watching my weight.....
[Just then the floor rumbles and explodes under the seat next to Ami. Ami
jumps into Bailesu's arms to avoid blowing up. A small, brown, furry mammal
pops out of the hole.]
Gopher: Hot Damn! Alright! I've been waiting for this for long time!
[Notices the two 'cuddled' together next to him.] Woo hoo! Looks like you
two are ready for the show.
Bailesu: I guess Dr. Price must have had to raid the zoo this week...
Ami: I recognize him! That's AlberCrombie the Spade Gopher!
Gopher: That's 'Space' Gopher, dear.
Bailesu: Where did you come from?
Gopher: My Gopher Hole, where else? Is the show about to start?
Ami: Show? *blink, blink* You're here to watch....*THIS*?
Gopher: Well, yeah! This is the F^3 trilogy marathon, right?
[Bailesu and Ami cringe at the thought of actually watching all three at
once.]
Bailesu: No, that was last week, closed private session...Ami and I
don't like guest commentators when we're watching that sort of
thing...She gets embarrassed, although that one time...
[The Space Gopher leers understandingly.]
Ami: [thinking] Don't tell him about that... [out loud] HEY!! *WHAP* [She
slugs Bailesu] Watch those hands, mister! [She hops out of his arms]
Bailesu: Oww!
Ami: Don't mention things like 'F^3' around him - he has a tendency to get
'weird'.
Gopher: This isn't 'F^3'? [Gopher looks heartbroken]
Bailesu: Nope. It's worse.
Gopher: DAMN! Bloody Alberquerque turn - last time I listen to a rabbit for
directions. Oh, well, I'm too late to make it to the real show, might as
well stay here.
Ami: Oh, goodie, we do have a guest commentator!
Bailesu: Hey, the show's starting...
Yes, it's yet another what-if story! This one's a bit more original,
though. I hope you like it. Rumiko Takahashi created the Ranma 1/2
series.
Arthur C. Clarke wrote a novel called _Childhood's_End_. Both share the
copyrights with various publishers.
- Lizsue (lizsue@mtc.ultranet.com)
Gopher: what exactly does _Childhood's End_ have to do with this story?
Bailesu: About as much as the movie Lawnmower Man had to do with the
Steven King story.
Ami: We have to wait and see.
Gopher: Oh.
Childhood's End
(Several months after Nodoka accepted Ranma's curse and the series ended
without resolving anything else. Now, the family has reunited, living under
her roof.)
Bailesu: Actually, the ending did establish that Ranma and Akane
admitted to loving each other and would eventually get married.
Ami: And? Are you insinuating something?
Bailesu: Doesn't Nodoka live in another city, anyway?
Ami: True. She should be a long way from Nerima...although I could be
wrong.
(scene: It's a nice, calm Sunday morning. A lovely sunrise can be seen.
Cologne and Dr. Tofu are talking in his office.)
COLOGNE: "Can I leave these things in your office? My great-granddaughter
needs the space at home for her own stuff."
Gopher: Huh, why? Did Shampoo buy out the local mall?
Bailesu: It's all part of her evil plot! Everything Cologne does is
part of an evil plot! Meddling Aes Sedai witch! Kill her! Kill them
all! Never trust the Aes Sedai again! [rants maniacally until Ami bonks
him on the head]
Ami: It does seem odd that Cologne would store her possessions at Dr.
Tofu's house...Doesn't she have a rather humongous basement? Also, you
normally don't have to bother with quotation marks in script format for
dialogue. This is the first element of this plot which doesn't make much
sense...unless Cologne actually planned somehow for Ranma to end up
drinking one of these potions...One would think Tofu would store them
away somewhere since he wouldn't need them for his medical practice.
Gopher: Does he do this often?
Ami: Rant and rave?
Gopher: Uh-huh.
Ami: Only until we smack him on the head.
TOFU: "Sure, no problem. By the way, how's she doing?"
COLOGNE: "Pretty well. In fact, I think she's using some of those potions
right now."
Bailesu: I always did think Shampoo was probably on drugs most of the time.
(scene: The same time, in Nodoka's back yard. It's nice and quiet. Only a
few singing birds can be heard.)
GENMA: (Yells from inside the house.) "Good morning!" (Throws Ranma through
the window into the yard.)
RANMA: "Ha! We moved, remember? There's no pond here!"
GENMA: "So?" (Throws a bucket of cold water at Ranma.)
Gopher: OOH! That hadda hurt!
Bailesu: I bet Nabiki could sell them a pond, cheap.
Ami: So why does he throw the water on Ranma? Just to be a pain?
Gopher: What's a Ranma story with out water?
RANMA-CHAN: "AAARGH!" (Wanders around the yard, then sees her mother lying
unconscious on the grass.) "AAARGH!"
NODOKA: "...zzz...." (Wakes up.) "Ow, my head. Hi Ranko! What are you
doing here?"
RANMA-CHAN: "I'm...I'm just visiting. Are you okay?"
Gopher: Well, he's thinking quick on his feet. This can't be Ranma.
Bailesu: Perhaps he's been replaced by an alien? That might be the
connection with Childhood's end...maybe not.
NODOKA: "Don't worry, I'll be fine. Ow. Have you seen my son anywhere?"
RANMA-CHAN: "No, sorry."
NODOKA: "That's okay. I hope he's not doing anything girly, or..." (She
draws her finger across her neck, then goes inside.)
RANMA-CHAN: (thinks) No. Not AGAIN.
SHAMPOO: (Appears, holding bottles of the amnesia formula and its
antidote.) "Marry me and I fix all her memory."
RANMA-CHAN: "Just leave my mom alone!"
SHAMPOO: "Suit yourself, Ranko." (Leaves.)
Gopher: Shampoo calling her, Ranko? Odd.
Bailesu: It's those drugs she's been doing. They take a toll, you know.
Ami: Why doesn't Ranma chase after her and get the potions or try to
trick them away?
Bailesu: Because it would ruin the plot if Nodoka got her memory back.
Ami: Don't be so cynical.
Bailesu: Got a better reason?
Ami: Umm...Because he knows she's probably carrying a few dozen fake
cures as usual?
Bailesu: That never stopped him before...
(scene: A few minutes later, at the Tendos' front door. Ranma-chan and
Genma, as a panda, are standing outside and pounding on the door.)
SOUN: (Opens the door. He's half-awake.) "IT IS FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE
MORNING! What do you want?!"
GENMA: (sign) SHE FORGOT EVERYTHING. CAN WE MOVE BACK AND HIDE OUT
HERE?
SOUN: (Yawns.) "Can't you just tell her again? She didn't make you kill
yourselves last time."
GENMA: (sign) SHE REALLY MEANS IT THIS TIME!
Bailesu: Why would she "Really mean it" this time and not last time?
Telling her again should be no harder than it was before...
Ami: Genma is a coward.
Bailesu: True, but again, this seems like behavior to further the
plot...Not that anyone in Nerima has much common sense.
SOUN: "Okay. I guess you can stay."
AKANE: "You JERK!" (Beats Ranma-chan over the head with a table.)
RANMA-CHAN: "AAARGH! THAT HURTS!"
AKANE: "That was for old times' sake. Welcome back!" (Hugs Ranma-chan.)
Gopher: Cool, they must be into B&D. Maybe I didn't miss F^3 for nothing.
Ami: B&D?
Bailesu: Don't ask, Ami. It seems odd, though...Akane never hits Ranma
just to hit him...She usually has some vestige of an excuse...
(scene: The Tendos' living room, three weeks later, at noon. Everything
seems back to normal.)
AKANE: "...so why don't you just say mean stuff to her? It worked against
that amnesia shampoo last time."
RANMA: "But she's my mom!"
AKANE: "So? You insult your dad all the time."
RANMA: "But I LIKE Mom!"
KASUMI: (walks into the room.) "Hello!" (Splashes Ranma with a bucket of
cold water.)
Gopher: Don't you just love to greet people that way. ;)
Ami: Gets him out of bed in the morning [points to Bailesu]
Gopher: Funny, I thought you would have other ways of getting him 'up in
the morning.'
Ami: Excuse me!?!?!?!
Bailesu: [sweating and thinking] I'm not going to say anything...I
want to live.
Ami: Grrr....
RANMA-CHAN: "What was that for?"
KASUMI: "We haven't seen Nodoka in a while, so I invited her. She'll be
here any second now." (Opens the front door.) "Hi!"
NODOKA: (Walks into the room) "Hi everyone! Thanks for inviting me,
Kasumi."
RANMA-CHAN: "Hi, Nodoka. Are you feeling any better?"
Ami: I don't think Ranma addresses his mother by her first name...Even
as Ranko. Neither does Kasumi.
NABIKI: "I've got some aspirin for only 1000 yen each!"
Gopher: Somebody reign in Nabiki!
NODOKA: "Thanks, but my headache's already gone."
Bailesu: While ours is only beginning.
RANMA-CHAN: "So what? I'm still more womanly that you are!"
AKANE: (Looks down, at Ranma-chan's shorts.) "Ha! You're right!"
RANMA-CHAN: "What the...." (Looks down too.) "EEEEEEWWW, YUCK!"
KUNO: "Fear not, pigtail girl! For once, this is NOT a spell of the foul
monster Ranma!..."
RANMA-CHAN: "I AM Ranma, you stupid idiot!"
KUNO: "...Indeed, your womanhood has just blossomed! I wish I could
imagine the bonds with nature that you now feel!..."
AKANE: (thinks) How tacky. How stupid. How embarrassing. (Smiles.) "Kuno,
you're doing wonders for her self-esteem!"
RANMA-CHAN: "Don't encourage him!"
KUNO: "...I am? Great! Well, pigtail girl, it must be wonderful having
this amazing cycle be so central to your life!..."
AKANE: (whispers) "Of course, you better not babble like this when I
start...."
RANMA-CHAN: "AARGH! KUNO! SHUT UP!" (Kicks Kuno into the sky.)
(end flashback)
Gopher: Sick - biologically feasible - but sick.
Ami: At least she isn't like Futaba of Futaba-kun change, who
automatically turns female at period time and stays that way until it's
done.
NODOKA: "Since none of the other girls around here have their periods yet,
Kasumi thought you could ask me if you need any advice."
Gopher: Waitaminte. Akane's 16, Nabiki's 17, and Kasumi's 19 - AND THEY
HAVEN'T STARTED YET?! Isn't it a little late?
Ami: Rather. Given the state of development of all three girls, they
should have started their period a long time ago.
RANMA-CHAN: "Thanks...do you know if anything will make my cramps stop
hurting?"
NODOKA: "Try Advil and lots of tea. Actually, you seem to be growing
faster than any other girl around here, so I thought...."
RANMA-CHAN: "Yes?"
NODOKA: "Would you marry my son? Akane's nice, but you're just the most,
well, mature girl here. Please? It means a lot to me."
Gopher: Nice topic change. Kinda like Denistry with a chain saw.
Bailesu: Not to mention Ranma is hardly the most mature girl here...If
she wanted mature, she'd pick Kasumi.
Ami: Not to mention she'd have to talk to Ranko's parents to set up any
such thing, and she ought to know her husband won't go for it.
RANMA-CHAN: (thinks) No no no no no. Very very very BAD idea.
NODOKA: (Looks into Ranma-chan's eyes.) "Please, Ranko?" (Almost starts
crying.)
Bailesu: Crying, why? For what possible reason would she set her heart
on this? Or is she being a manipulative bastard like her husband?
Gopher: Nah, she just came from the kitchen cutting up onions.
Bailesu: Maybe she's crying because she got stuck in this...
RANMA-CHAN: (thinks) Mom.... (whispers) "Well...okay."
NODOKA: "Thank you!" (Hugs Ranma-chan. They go to the living room.)
(scene: The Saotomes, Shampoo, the Tendos, and Ukyou are in the living
room.)
NODOKA: "Hey everyone! I'd like to announce that Ranko and my son are now
engaged! I'm going to China to try to find him, so as soon as I
return they can get married! Bye now!" (Leaves.)
Bailesu: I see she's been taking lessons from her husband in avoiding
consequences of her actions...
Ami: It does rather seem odd that she would break the engagement WITHOUT
having talked to her husband...or Akane.
AKANE: "Ha ha ha...awwww, you'll be a lovely bride!"
RANMA-CHAN: "IT'S NOT FUNNY!" (Splashes herself with a teapot full of hot
water.)
UKYOU: "Well, who will you marry? You'd better decide soon."
RANMA: "I don't know. I don't want to marry anyone yet!"
UKYOU: "How many more years do you expect me to wait?!" (Pounds Ranma with
the giant spatula.)
SHAMPOO: "Rules are rules! Ignore stupid girl!" (Attacks with both
bonbori.)
KODACHI: (Bursting into the room.) "HAHAHAHAHA! Don't listen to them! I'M
really your fiancee!" (Lashes Ranma with the ribbon.)
AKANE: "You CREEP!" (Jumps into the fray with the mallet.)
RYOGA: (Wanders into the room.) "You ruined my life, etc.! Ranma, prepare
to die!"
Gopher: My god, it's full of stars!
Ami: Excuse me?
Gopher: 'It' being the Tendo house hold, and 'stars' meaning all the people.
Ami: Baka.
Bailesu: So when does the black monolith show up, anyway?
Gopher: Billy Dee Williams?
AKANE: "Hi Ryoga! You can pummel Ranma after I'm done."
Gopher: What a sweet welcoming.
RANMA: "EVERYONE! WAIT! I CAN EXPLAIN! AAAAAAIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
(scene: An hour later. The girls finally back off. Ranma then jumps off
the floor.)
RANMA: (Splashes himself with a bucket of water.) "I'M SICK OF THIS! FROM
NOW ON, I'M REALLY A GIRL! I WON'T CHANGE BACK UNTIL YOU LEAVE ME
ALONE!"
GENMA: (sign) DO YOU MEAN IT?
Gopher: 'scuse me, are those breasts?
Ami: !?!?
Gopher: Sorry, I like that line.
Bailesu: You thought I was bad?!?
Ami: This also contradicts the end of the Manga, anyway, as Akane
and Ranma's wedding is only postponed, but will definitely happen.
Shampoo, Ukyou, Kodachi no longer have any real chance if they ever
did...etc, etc, etc. If it has been several months after end of Manga,
they ought to be married by now anyway...But enough ranting, I need to
save up for later.
RANMA-CHAN: (whispers) "Of course not, Dad. I don't want to be a girl, but
I'm going to stay female until they give up these engagements."
GENMA: (sign) EVEN THE ONES I ARRANGED? UNGRATEFUL BRAT! (Whacks
Ranma-chan over the head with the sign.)
KODACHI: "AARGH! Evil pigtail girl, what did you do to Ranma?!" (Attacks
Ranma-chan all over again.)
RYOGA: "Yay! My turn!" (Starts pounding Ranma-chan.)
Gopher: That boy needs to get out more often.
Bailesu: You got that right.
(scene: Half an hour later, in Dr. Tofu's office.)
RANMA-CHAN: "...and then Kodachi tied my arms and threw me across the room
and then as soon as I got up Shampoo knocked me over with
one of
those bonbori and then Akane punched me in the face and then
Ukyou jumped on my stomach and then...."
TOFU: "I'll get some painkiller medicine."
KASUMI: (Walks into the room.) "Hi!"
TOFU: "Hi Kasumi!" (Reaches into the filing cabinet.) "Here you go."
RANMA-CHAN: "A piece of paper? You sure?" (Eats it.) "Ow. That didn't
work."
Gopher: Even Ranchan isn't that stupid.
Ami: Even Usagi isn't that stupid.
Usagi: I heard that! [bounces a frisbee off Ami's head]
KASUMI: "Is he always like this?"
TOFU: "Sorry." (Reaches into the refridgerator.) "Drink this." (Hands
Ranma-chan one of Cologne's bottles.)
RANMA-CHAN: (Drinks the bottle's contents.) "Eeeww."
Ami: Dr. Tofu doesn't have a refrigerator in his office. He's a
chiropractor.
Bailesu: Plus Ranma ought to have the sense not accept anything Tofu
gives him when Kasumi is around.
(scene: A while later. It's another quiet morning. Everyone's in the
kitchen eating breakfast.)
Bailesu: A while...days, months? Millenia?
Ami: Days, I guess.
KASUMI: "Want some cereal?"
RANMA-CHAN: "No thanks. I'm not feeling well."
SOUN: "What's wrong? You're always sick during breakfast, and you crave
that day-glo noodle junk the rest of the day, and you haven't even
turned male since...."
RANMA-CHAN: "I just really like day-glo noodles, that's all."
Gopher: 'Day-glo noodles'? Did I miss something?
Bailesu: Not really.
KASUMI: "You should see a doctor, just in case you're contagious."
NABIKI: "Dad, I'll let you quarantine her in the basement for 100,000 yen!"
Gopher: Somebody get the hose - Nabiki's gone over the edge again.
Ami: They don't have a basement.
Bailesu: A true entrepreneur is someone who can sell someone their own
watch.
AKANE: "Ranma's not sick! She's just finally learned that MY COOKING IS
NOT JUNK!"
SOUN: "YOU were cooking that stuff? No wonder it was so bright."
Bailesu: Her cooking must be improving, if they couldn't tell...
(scene: Later that morning, in Dr. Tofu's office.)
TOFU: "...and so you think you're sick?"
RANMA-CHAN: "Maybe that medicine you gave me was the wrong one. I mean, it
probably has weird side effects."
TOFU: (Gets that bottle out of the refrigerator.) "Uh oh."
RANMA-CHAN: "What? What's wrong?"
TOFU: "You're right, but...well, you don't actually have a disease."
RANMA-CHAN: "Then how can I be sick?" (Reads the bottle's label.) "But this
means...NO! This isn't happening! AAAAAAARGH...." (Runs
away.)
Bailesu: Shouldn't the bottle label be in Chinese so Ranma can't read it?
Ami: One also wonders how Dr. Tofu remembers which bottle it was from
his insane fit, since he normally doesn't remember anything.
(Time passes. With her favorite photography subject gone, Nabiki learns to
draw instead. Otherwise, everything pretty much stays the same.
Especially the relationships. Some people never learn.)
Bailesu: Time passes. The earth cooled. Then the dinosaurs came. But
they all got fat and died and turned into oil...
[Ami gags Bailesu with her hand.]
Ami: Surely things would change if Ranma vanished...Like they might go
looking for him? Or does he just run home and not tell anyone? Why
doesn't he DO anything about it?
Gopher: It would make too much sense?
(scene: Late one night, at Nodoka's front door. It's so dark outside that
Ranma-chan is almost invisible.)
RANMA-CHAN: (Knocks on the door.) "Nodoka, are you there? I REALLY need to
talk to you. Nodoka?" (No answer.) "NODOKA?"
NEIGHBOR: (From inside his house.) "Can you keep it quiet?"
RANMA-CHAN: (thinks) Maybe if I call her Mom she'll let me in. She can't
make me commit seppuku if I'm like THIS, can she? (Knocks
again.) "Mom? Mom?! MOM?!" (No answer.)
NEIGHBOR: (From inside his house.) "SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!"
RANMA-CHAN: "Maybe she's with Dad." (Leaves.)
Bailesu: She thinks you and your Dad are still off somewhere, remember?
Why would she be with your Dad?
Ami: Maybe she moved to Sri Lanka and is living with Arthur C. Clarke.
That might explain the title allusion.
Bailesu: I don't understand...
Ami: Me neither.
Gopher: Me nither. Who's got the popcorn?
(scene: The same time, at the Tendos' house. Everyone else is asleep, but
Nabiki and Akane are awake and talking in Nabiki's room. Akane is wearing
a wedding kimono.)
NABIKI: "...why are you wearing THAT again?! Ranma's been gone for more
than half a year!"
AKANE: "So he'll be back here any minute. I'll marry him before the other
girls even know he's returned! He WILL be back any minute, won't
he?..." (Starts crying.)
Gopher: WHAT?! When the hell did she start desiring to marry Ranma?!
Ami: The end of the last manga volume. They do kinda almost get married
except for being beat up you know...not that the rest of the story
reflects that either...
Bailesu: She's been listening to the monolith again...
Gopher: Ami or Akane?
Ami: BAKA!!! [Imbeds a big mallet in Gopher's skull]
Gopher: ow.
NABIKI: "Don't cry." (Hugs Akane.) "I know this has been really hard on
you. Here, have a tissue. It's only 500 yen this time."
AKANE: (Hears a knock on the door.) "Maybe that's him now!" (Takes a lamp.)
"Just in case he still thinks he's a girl." (Takes a mallet too, and
goes downstairs.)
Gopher: Good thinking, you can't be too sure these days.
Bailesu: So what good will the lamp do if he thinks he's a girl?
Ami: I think she means the mallet.
Bailesu: He never said he THOUGHT he was a girl. Just that he was going
to stay as one until they give up on the engagements.
(scene: The Tendos' living room. It's really dark. Only Akane is visible,
because of the lamp light.)
AKANE: (Opens the door.) "Hi!" (Can't see Ranma-chan, because it's too
dark.)
Bailesu: I see...the lamp emits black light?
Ami: Maybe he's just too far away.
Gopher: It's a light and shadow thing. This story must have been filmed in
Black and White.
RANMA-CHAN: "Hi!" (Sees the mallet.) "Aargh!" (thinks) She wants to hit me!
(Sees the kimono.) "Aargh!" (thinks) She's trying to marry me!
Even worse! (Runs upstairs and locks herself into the nearest
room.)
AKANE: (Follows Ranma-chan upstairs.) "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" (Hits the
door. No luck.) "Can someone get Shampoo here?"
Gopher: This makes a lot of sense. Shampoo?
Bailesu: To break down the door. Never mind that Akane would not
willing summon Shampoo in this situation...to quote her from a few lines
ago "I'll marry him before the other girls even know he's returned!"
Ami: Do the Tendo doors even lock?
NABIKI: "Okay." (Leaves, and returns a few minutes later with Shampoo.)
Bailesu: World famous sprinter Nabiki Tendo at work. She didn't even
ask for money...she must be sick.
SHAMPOO: "So, Ranma there? Why I let silly bride wannabe in?"
AKANE: "If you don't, neither of us can reach him. Please?"
SHAMPOO: (Sighs.) "Okay." (Breaks through the wall with a bonbori, then
turns the light on.)
Gopher: Huh? You telling me that Soun didn't just have a key to the room?
Ami: Well, lots of internal house locks don't have keyholes...My bedroom
didn't.
[Bailesu nods.]
Bailesu: Yeah, when we lock the doors, you'd have to bust down the door
to get in.
Gopher: Why did you lock the doors?
Ami and Bailesu: Uh..... [insert sweat drops on their heads]
Gopher: Lemmie guess. Ami doesn't just wear that sailor suit to fight
evil, does she?
Bailesu: Well....now that you mention it....
Ami: HEY!
Bailesu: I...uh...[Big Sweatdrop]
SOUN: (Bursts into tears.) "WAAAAAAAAAAAH! MY HOUSE!"
RANMA-CHAN: (Now visible. She looks a bit bigger.) "Don't hurt me!"
Bailesu: That's nice and vague...a bit bigger?
GENMA: (sign) SON! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF?!
AKANE: "You CREEP! How could you just leave me?!" (Beats Ranma-chan with
the mallet.)
RANMA-CHAN: "I was too embarrassed to stay- Ow!..." (Fends off Akane's
blows.) "Ouch!...Stop it!...Ow!..."
AKANE: "You DESERVE it!..." (Swings the mallet at Ranma-chan's belly, but
misses by a quarter of an inch.)
RANMA-CHAN: "TENDO AKANE, PREPARE TO DIE!" (Hits Akane in the face.)
Gopher: MOOD SWING!
Bailesu: You mallet people in the head, not the belly.
Ami: And if Ranma really cut loose on Akane...she'd go down rather easily.
AKANE: "What's wrong with you? I thought you don't attack girls!" (Knocks
Ranma-chan over with a blow to the knees.)
RANMA-CHAN: "Die! Die! Die!" (Gets up and grabs Akane's throat.)
AKANE: "No way! I'll kill you first!" (Punches, then kicks, Ranma-chan.)
Gopher: Alright! Cat fight! My money's on the red-head!
Bailesu: Quite.
RANMA-CHAN: (Steps back.) "I hate you!" (Throws a fireball at Akane, but
misses and sets the wall on fire.)
Bailesu: Misses? At this range?
Ami: Not to mention he'd bake himself...also, it takes time to build up
the charge for that attack...
SOUN: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MY POOR HOUSE!"
NABIKI: "Wow, neither of them have changed their fighting abilities after
all this time."
AKANE: "I hate you too! The engagement's OVER!" (Jumps up and kicks
Ranma-chan.)
RANMA-CHAN: (Catches Akane, punches her, and pulls her downward.) "What
the-" (Akane flips over so that she's above Ranma-chan.)
"AAAAAARGH!"
(scene: Early the next morning. It's a nice, bright, sunny day but Akane
and Ranma-chan are still ruining it for everyone else.)
NABIKI: (Wanders back into the room.) "I couldn't sleep because you two
were fighting all night." (Yawns.) "Is someone dead yet?"
Bailesu: Somewhere in the world, someone is indeed dead.
AKANE: "...Finally!" (Pins Ranma-chan onto the floor, on her side, and
pummels her.)
RANMA-CHAN: "Get OFF me!" (Tries to get up, but can't.) "Ouch, that hurts!"
SOUN: "You'd better have a really GOOD excuse."
RANMA-CHAN: "I made a choice to keep the baby, and then Akane tried to make
me lose it!"
Gopher: Nani!?
Bailesu: Too bad he didn't think to explain this BEFORE he fought for 8
or so hours straight, which can't be good for said baby.
AKANE: "WHERE? What baby?"
KASUMI: (Walks into the room.) "Hi Ranma-chan! When's it due?"
Gopher: Nani?! Kasumi has a clue?! I wish she'd share it with me.
Bailesu: She read ahead in the script.
RANMA-CHAN: "A few days, unless...." (Glares at Akane.) "I didn't want to
get pregnant, but now that it's on the way...I love this baby."
Gopher: Why am I not buying this?
Bailesu: Because you're not being paid.
Ami: Well, I can see how she might not want to get an abortion by this
point. However, I don't see why she didn't do ANYTHING about this
earlier. Not to mention, I'd think Cologne wouldn't want her
great-granddaughter's groom to become a young mother...she could have
done something about this, although who knows if Ranma would be willing
to pay the price...
AKANE: (Releases Ranma-chan.) "Oh, THAT. Look, I'm really sorry...I
mean, I thought you were a BOY...I didn't know...."
RANMA-CHAN: "I'm really sorry too."
GENMA: (sign) HAVE YOU NO SHAME?
Gopher: Hell no. We knew that years ago.
Bailesu: Like father, like son.
RANMA-CHAN: "Dr. Tofu got distracted again and gave me a magic drink
instead of painkiller medicine and if a girl drinks it she
gets-"
AKANE: "That's the DUMBEST story I've ever heard in my life!"
KASUMI: "It's no dumber than amnesia shampoos, time travel mirrors, love
spices, cursed wells...."
Gopher: Two points for Oneechan.
Bailesu: Ya got that right.
COLOGNE: (Walks into the room.) "It's true. My granddaughter tried to have
children for years, with no luck. Then, just by drinking that
stuff, she conceived. See, the potion triggers parthenogenesis."
Gopher: Say what? WHY!? Can we have a little reason for this please?
Bailesu: I have no quabble that the potion does that. Like Kasumi
said...the real question is why the hell would Cologne want to leave a
potion like that lying around? Unless of course, this is all part of
Evil Plot of the Week...except that it isn't...
SHAMPOO: "What mean that word?"
COLOGNE: "Look it up." (Turns back to Ranma-chan.) "Relax, your baby will
turn out fine, just like hers did." (Everyone looks at Shampoo,
who isn't paying attention.)
Gopher: Just like who's did what? Oh, my head is hurting. I need some
booze.
Ami: Don't you mean asprin?
Gopher: Nah, that just makes me sick.
SHAMPOO: "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" (Attacks Akane with an encyclopaedia.)
Bailesu: Encyclopaedia? She gave up on bonbori, I guess...
GENMA: (sign) WHAT A RELIEF. I HAD IMAGINED MUCH WORSE.
RANMA-CHAN: "You mean...you thought I...that's DISGUSTING! I'm a VIRGIN!"
AKANE: "So, why did you come back after all this time?"
RANMA-CHAN: "I was too humiliated to stay here...but now I'm scared because
I've never had a baby before...I just want to talk to Mom...."
GENMA: (sign) SORRY. SHE'S STILL OUT OF TOWN.
NABIKI: "Kasumi, what do you think will happen if she touches hot water?"
KASUMI: "I don't think about that kind of thing, and frankly, neither
should you."
Gopher: Ewww!! The eternal RanmaML question. Let's not start that again.
Ami: Well, in Futaba-kun Change, his mother was his father and vice
versa...they couldn't change once pregnant...until they gave birth.
Bailesu: So this is all Futaba's fault?
[Ami mallets Bailesu.]
(scene: The next day, in the Tendos' living room. Soun and Ranma-chan are
quietly reading the newspaper.)
AKANE: (Walks into the room with a teapot.) "Would anyone like some tea?"
SOUN: "No thanks...I'm not thirsty...really...."
AKANE: "YOU JUST THINK I CAN'T COOK! It's just TEA! I can make TEA
without anything going wrong!"
SOUN: "But I'm not thirsty!"
AKANE: "Shut up and drink it!" (They run out of the room. On the way out,
Akane drops the teapot. It bounces towards Ranma-chan.)
RANMA-CHAN: "AAAAAARGH!" (Faints, and then gets splashed by the tea.)
Gopher: Uh-oh. This could be bad.
Bailesu: Especially since Akane doesn't even notice...somehow....You'd
think she'd come back for it and notice.
Ami: Maybe she's got extra tea in her pocket for him...never mind.
(scene: An hour later. Ranma is still in the living room, unconscious.)
RANMA: "...ow...zzzzz...."
RYOGA: (Wanders into the room.) "Hey, the jerk is back!"
RANMA: "...zzzzzz...ouch...zzz...ow, quit it...zzzz...."
RYOGA: (Pokes Ranma's belly.) "There's something moving in there!"
(whispers) "Can you kick your mommy really, really hard?"
Gopher: This is bad. When the hell did Ryouga find out about Ranma's
condition?
Ami: He used the poke belly and discover a woman is pregnant technique
from volume 40.
Bailesu: There is no volume 40.
Ami: Uh...He read the rest of the script?
RANMA: "OUCH!...zzz...."
RYOGA: "Awwww, how cute!"
Gopher: This is warped and sick, and I think I will now throw up.
[Bailesu hands the Gopher a stolen US AIR barf bag and a complimentary
copy of the US AIR magazine.]
RANMA: (Wakes up.) "You don't need to kick so hard! I already know you're
in there! Oh, hi Ryoga...AAIIEEEEE! I'M A BOY!" (Splashes himself
with a bucket of water.) "That felt so weird...like I still had a
womb after everything else changed. Ouch! At least the baby's
still kicking."
RYOGA: "I think it'll be okay. What happened last time you switched?"
RANMA-CHAN: "This was the first time since I got pregnant."
RYOGA: "REALLY?...By the way, does this mean you're not engaged to Akane
anymore?..."
Gopher: God, what a loser.
Bailesu: More importantly, it means Ranma hasn't taken any hot showers
lately...
Ami: Bleah...
(scene: Early the next morning, in Nabiki's room.)
NABIKI: (Wakes up and opens her wallet.) "SOME JERK TOOK EVERYTHING!" (Sees
a note fall out of the wallet.)
NOTE: "I borrowed the money for boat fare. You people are insane, so I'm
having the baby in China instead. Bye."
NABIKI: "What a creep...she really owes me....HEY EVERYONE! WE'RE GOING TO
CHINA!..."
Bailesu: Why would Ranma go to China to have the baby?
Ami: So they wouldn't think to look for him in the right place?
Bailesu: Why tell them where he's going, then?
Ami: Uh...death wish?
(scene: One morning a week later, near Jusenkuyo. Ranma-chan's standing
outside the cottage where the Jusenkuyo guide lives.)
RANMA-CHAN: (Knocks on the door.) "Hi. Can I come in?"
GUIDE: "You again? Sure, Ranma." (Opens the door.) "What on earth did
you...?"
Gopher: What'd they do, get a new guide? One who speaks Japanese fluently?
Also no comments about him, er, her being preggers?
Bailesu: Perhaps he attended the Berlitz school since his appearance in
volume 38. And gone blind.
RANMA-CHAN: "Look, I need a place to stay for a wh- AAARGH! Not NOW!"
GUIDE: (Leads Ranma-chan to his bedroom.) "You can use my bed. Stay here
and try to relax. I'll get help." (Leaves.)
RANMA-CHAN: (Staying there and trying to relax.) "...owwww...."
Ami: This isn't gonna turn out like that Chinese Dreams story is it?
Bailesu: I hope not.
(scene: Outside the cottage again, a few hours later.)
RANMA-CHAN: (Yells from inside.) "AAAAAAAARGH!"
GUIDE: "...and I can't believe I found you. Your kid really needs help.
Just go inside."
RANMA-CHAN: (Yells from inside again.) "AAAAIEEEEEEEEEEE! HELP!"
NODOKA: "Okay." (thinks) Poor thing. (They go inside, to the bedroom.)
"WHAT THE...?!"
Gopher: Nodoka, huh? It's a small world, isn't it?
Bailesu: I believe this is called "coincidence" or more aptly, "Nodoka ex
machina".
RANMA-CHAN: "MOM! AAIEEEE! See, there's this curse...."
NODOKA: "I know, whatever it is, it's not your fault. But how-"
Bailesu: How I know to find you here? How many licks does it take to
get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? How did the Jyusenkyo Guide
know Nodoka is Ranma's mother?
Ami: It would help if there was some explanation of why Nodoka turns up
at this point.
RANMA-CHAN: "AAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
NODOKA: "Okay, spare me the details. Just push a bit harder now...."
(scene: The Jusenkuyo cursed wells, several hundred feet away from the
cottage.)
MOUSSE: "I'm saved!" (Tries to jump in the Well of Drowned Guy.)
Bailesu: How did they find the pool if there are no signs and the guide
is elsewhere?
Gopher: There must be newly printed maps.
GENMA: (sign) FORGET IT. MY SON'S FIRST IN THE QUEUE. (Whacks Mousse over
the head with the sign.)
SOUN: (Restrains Mousse.) "Good idea. We should drop Ranma in there first,
since his curse is causing the most problems."
RYOGA: "So if it's labelled wrong, he turns into some weird thing
instead of me? No problem."
Gopher: I'll buy that logic.
UKYOU: "What if he doesn't want to change back?"
SHAMPOO: (Further away, standing at the end of a very long queue at the
Well of Drowned Girl.) "JUST THROW IN WELL ANYWAY!"
AKANE: "We'll deal with that once we find him." (Hears screams of pain in
the distance.) "What the...?"
Gopher: My god, it's full of stars.
Ami: You did that already.
Gopher: I know, I felt like doing it again.
Bailesu: More like, My God, the plot is full of holes!
(scene: A few hours later, back in the cottage.)
RANMA-CHAN: "...so why didn't you make me commit seppuku? AAAAAAARGH!
Doesn't that contract with Dad say we have to...?"
NODOKA: "See, if he raised a girly son or a boyish daughter, we'd all have
to kill ourselves. It was supposed to apply to our other kids
too, but then we didn't have any."
RANMA-CHAN: "Really? OUCH! Dad never told me that."
Bailesu: Maybe because you weren't female and they had no other kids,
because he abandoned his wife.
NODOKA: "But now that you're really female, I can let you live. It doesn't
matter if you...changed, because that's OVER and now we can get on
with our lives."
RANMA-CHAN: "Thanks. AAAIIEEEEEEEEE!"
NODOKA: "By the way, have you ever met Ranko? She looks just like you-
hey, wait a minute! The baby's head is showing!"
Bailesu: I take it stupidity runs in your family, Nodoka...Any relation
to Elmyra? You'd think she just might clue in that female Ranma looks
exactly like and sounds exactly like "Ranko..."
RANMA-CHAN: "Really?! OUCH! Can I see?"
NODOKA: "Sure." (Holds a mirror between Ranma-chan's knees.)
RANMA-CHAN: "Wow...AAAAAAARGH! BLOOD!"
NODOKA: (Holds a teapot full of hot water and a towel.) "If it will make
you feel better, I can wash the blood off."
RANMA-CHAN: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! NO, NOT THAT!"
NODOKA: "Whatever." (Puts away the teapot.)
RANMA-CHAN: "OUCH! I'm scared. Am I going to be okay?"
NODOKA: "Once the baby's out, you'll be fine, I think."
RANMA-CHAN: "I don't- OUCH!- get it."
NODOKA: "If you stay still, you'll heal...but if you crash into anything,
the jolt might reopen your wounds...."
RANMA-CHAN: "OUCH!"
NODOKA: "The baby's halfway out! Just push one more time!"
RANMA-CHAN: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Gopher: I dunno if I can take much more of this...
Bailesu: I wanna know how a nine-month almost due Ranma managed to hike
into the middle of the mountains to find Jyusenkyo...why go there anyway?
Planning to baptize the baby in one of the pools?
Ami: Perhaps it was a sort of homing instinct, like lemmings...
(scene: Back at the cursed wells. Everyone is still there. No one has
jumped in a well yet.)
RYOGA: "WHERE IS THAT CREEP?!" (Hears distant screaming.) "Hey, did anyone
else hear that?"
KASUMI: "Yes. Poor thing. I wonder who she is."
AKANE: (Listens a bit more carefully.) "...maybe that's Ranma!" (Runs in
the general direction of the noise.)
Gopher: Well, I guess she would be used to Ranma's screaming by now.
Bailesu: The joys of natural childbirth...brrr.
Ami: I don't want to think about it.
(scene: Back in the cottage, a few minutes later. Nodoka's washing the
baby. Ranma-chan just lies there, exhausted.)
BABY: "Waah...waaaah...waaah...."
RANMA-CHAN: "Ouch. That really hurt. Is the baby okay?"
NODOKA: "It's a girl!"
BABY: "Waaah!"
RANMA-CHAN: "Is the baby okay?"
NODOKA: "She's doing fine." (Holds the baby in front of Ranma-chan.) "See
for yourself." (The baby looks just like her mother. Yes, she was
born with a braid.)
Gopher: Oh, please.
Bailesu: Pass me the barf bag...I need it now.
Ami: Well, we're not exactly talking realistic fiction here, you know.
BABY: "Wah." (Reaches for Ranma-chan.) "Wah."
RANMA-CHAN: "Hi...." (Hugs the baby.) "I love you...."
(scene: That queue.)
GIRL: "At last! The Well of Drowned Girl! I'll never turn into a rabbit
again!" (Runs to the well.)
SHAMPOO: "Hey! No cuts!" (Hits the girl on the head with a bonbori.)
GIRL: "DIE! DIE!" (Kicks Shampoo in the stomach several times.)
SHAMPOO: "Go away!" (Picks up the girl and throws her into the sky.)
GIRL: "You JERK!"
SHAMPOO: (Sees fifty-seven more girls ahead of her.) "Aaargh!" (thinks)
Forget it. I'll just see what everyone else is doing. (Leaves
and heads for the Well of Drowned Guy.)
Gopher: That was actually humorous.
Bailesu: Gee, I thought no one ever comes here because of the curses?
Ami: Well, actually, by the end of the Manga, the pools have all been
destroyed because all of the water is mixed together, so there aren't
actually any pools any more. So they can't get cured.
(scene: Inside the cottage again. By now, Ranma-chan has all her clothes
back on and is nursing the baby.)
NODOKA: (Sees the door open.) "Hi, Akane!"
AKANE: (Ignores Nodoka.) "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL THIS TIME?! WE'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR HOURS!"
RANMA-CHAN: "Awwww, isn't she cute? It's just as well that you didn't have
a baby because you'd be too flat to nur- AARGH!"
AKANE: (Splashes Ranma-chan with a teapot of hot water.) "Now who's flat?"
(Looks at the baby.) "Hi there! Awww...."
NODOKA: (thinks) Water? He must change...all...the...time.... (screams)
"You FREAK!"
Bailesu: Gee, you're at Jyusenkyo...Could be cursed water in the teapot,
ya know...Not to mention, you'd think Akane would have more sense than to
splash Ranma in front of the Mother she knows may KILL him if she learns
of the curse...And why is changing back and forth worse than having been
permanently turned into a girl?
Gopher: I think the strain of being in this story is getting to her.
Ami: No doubt.
BABY: (Staring at Ranma and struggling to get out of his arms.) "WAAAAH!
WAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAH...!"
RANMA: "Don't worry! It's me! I'm your mommy! Or maybe your daddy, or
something. Please, please don't think I'm two people...."
BABY: "WAAAAAAAAAH!"
RANMA: (thinks) Just great. I'll have to stay female for years.
BABY: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
RANMA: "Awwww, poor thing." (Splashes himself with a bucket of water.) "I'm
sorry I scared you."
BABY: (Calms down.) "Wah."
NODOKA: "DIE, FREAK!" (Unsheathes her katana and chases Ranma-chan outside.)
Gopher: Now, this is a side of her we don't ususally see - the dark, evil
Nodoka.
Bailesu: It shows she really can act a wide range of parts. Too bad
she's not normally a raging psychotic.
RANMA-CHAN: (Running outside and holding the baby.) "AAAAAAAAARGH!"
(scene: Late evening. A lovely sunset is ending. A large crowd has
gathered around the Well of Drowned Guy. In fact, just about everyone in
the series is there.)
RANMA-CHAN: (Running towards the crowd.) "AAAAAAAAARGH!"
NODOKA: "STAND STILL, FREAK!..."
BABY: "Waaaah!"
GENMA: (Splashes himself with a teapot of hot water.) "Nodoka, wait! As
soon as we get him in the well, he'll be normal again!"
NODOKA: "Okay." (Puts her katana away.)
Bailesu: What, she actually trusted something Genma said? Geez, what a
moron.
Ami: What sensible person would marry Genma?
Bailesu: Good point...but what does she think of as normal anyway? Why
is Ranma as pregant female okay, but changing Ranma must die...then
suddenly, oh, I'm happy camper again.
Ami: PMS?
Gopher: Post Manga Syndrom?
BABY: "Waaaaaaah!"
RANMA-CHAN: "Are you still hungry?" (Sits down and starts nursing the baby
again.)
RYOGA: "She looks just like you, poor thing...but she's still cute."
KODACHI: "Don't you think she's adorable, Midorigame?" (The alligator
nuzzles the baby.) "Awwwww...."
Gopher: Is there an editor in the house?! This is gotten out of hand!
Bailesu: [sings the Deus ex Machina song with Ami.]
GENMA: "Yuck. Son, do you have to do that in public?!"
RANMA-CHAN: "Yes."
AZUSA: "Aww, what a cute blanket!" (Grabs the blanket, with the baby still
in it, away from Ranma-chan and runs off.)
Gopher: This is too much.
Bailesu: This was too much a long time ago.
RANMA-CHAN: "GIVE MY BABY BACK!" (Tries to run after Azusa.)
UKYOU: "She's trying to get away!" (The crowd restrains Ranma-chan.)
RANMA-CHAN: "AAAAAAAAARGH! LET GO!"
Bailesu: Kill them! Kill them all!
(scene: A quiet spot with a lot of greenery. The Well of Drowned Guy is
within sight of this place, although a few hundred feet away. The other
wells are even more distant.)
MIKADO: "Wait!" (Catches up with Azusa.) "You can play with the blanket
later." (Takes the baby and puts her on a shrub, then returns
to the crowd with Azusa.)
Bailesu: Why does he leave the baby on a shrub? And what did he follow
them to China for anyway?
Gopher: Must be a musical thing, you know where everybody comes out for
the last number.
Ami: But this isn't a musical.
Bailesu: SSHH!! Don't give them any ideas!
(scene: The crowd, the well.)
MOUSSE: "It's about time you showed up!"
RANMA-CHAN: "But I don't want to go in that well!"
GENMA: "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! You've wanted to get rid of that
curse ever since you got it!"
RANMA-CHAN: "I can't switch back NOW!"
SOUN: "SHUT UP! You've caused enough trouble already! Hey, could someone
lend me a hand?" (Everyone helps Soun lift Ranma-chan and hold her
over the well.)
Gopher: They've all gone insane, I tell you! Every last flippin' one of
'em!
Bailesu: A long time ago. Maybe Shampoo was making LSD and pumping it
into Nerima's atmosphere and that's what she needed ALL the space in the
Nekohanten for...
KUNO: "I'm afraid it's hard for me to see through the obscurity of
everyone's arms. Dear sister, just what are we doing?"
MIKADO: "Good question."
KODACHI: "You talk too much. Just shut up and help us!"
RANMA-CHAN: "PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME!"
KASUMI: "Don't worry, everything will work out fine. Trust me!" (They let
go and Ranma-chan falls.)
Bailesu: Don't take up prophecy for a living, Kasumi.
(scene: Inside the well.)
RANMA-CHAN: "AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE...." (Stops falling.) "Ouch...."
Bailesu: They aren't wells. They are pools. Any idiot who can tread
water can get out of them.
Ami: And they don't exist anymore, anyway.
Gopher: Maybe the water level dropped and made them from ponds to wells?
Bailesu: Maybe aliens are to blame and that's the Childhood's End
connection...
(scene: Outside the well.)
NABIKI: "I didn't hear a splash. Did you hear a splash?"
KASUMI: "No. Maybe it's a really deep well and she didn't hit the water
yet." (Looks inside the well.) "I can't see her. It's too dark."
(scene: Inside the well.)
RANMA-CHAN: "I'm still a girl! Yay!" (Gets up.) "I can't wait until I get
out of h- Uh oh." (Sits down again.) "Maybe I'd better rest a
little first." (Looks downward.) "AAAAAAARGH! BLOOD!"
(thinks) Mom said a jolt might reopen my wounds.... (Looks
towards the top of the well.) "HELP! SOMEONE GET ME OUT
OF HERE!"
Gopher: Oh, god...
Bailesu: Too bad there are no wells at Jyusenkyo.
Ami: WE GET THE POINT ALREADY!
(scene: Outside the well.)
RYOGA: (Yelling into the well.) "GET OUT OF THERE! MY TURN!"
GENMA: (Also yelling into the well.) "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, SON?"
GUIDE: "Oops."
TSUBASA: "What's wrong?"
GUIDE: "That well went dry again last week. There's no water in it. She
hit solid ground!"
UKYOU: "No problem. We throw Ranma-chan large distances all the time."
(scene: Inside the well, half an hour later.)
Bailesu: What, they just sat around and DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?
RANMA-CHAN: "...Help...I lost too much blood...I can't even scream anymore
...help...please...I'm still bleeding...help...." (thinks)
Forget it. No one's listening. (whispers) "It's not
fair...all I did was give birth...that's not supposed to
kill people...." (Collapses...and dies.)
Gopher: Who wrote this? Shakespear pumped on Anime? Tragedy central
Bailesu: This reminds me of Hamlet, as written by Quentin Tarantino.
(scene: Outside the well.)
AKANE: "What's taking her so long?" (Picks up a flashlight and shines it
down the well.) "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
NABIKI: "What's wrong?" (Looks into the well.) "YUCK!" (They stare at
Ranma-chan. General panic ensues.)
KASUMI: "Calm down, everyone. We're all responsible for Ranma-chan's
death...."
Bailesu: Which could have been easily prevented if any of you had any
sense at all and hadn't acted out of character repeatedly, like
Kasumi telling someone to go ahead and throw Ranma down a well...Not to
mention, why the hell are half these people here anyway?
Gopher: Good union?
GENMA: "She's right...."
NODOKA: "...WE'VE KILLED OUR ONLY SON!"
KASUMI: "There's only one thing left that any of us can do."
Bailesu: Take care of the baby? Get a life? Attack the author of this
story in a bloodbath of vengeance?
Ami: Say "Oh my?"
SOUN: "What?"
KASUMI: "This." (Takes Nodoka's katana and kills herself.)
Bailesu: Was this trip really necessary?
(scene: It was a dark and stormy night. Only the lightning made the bodies
of the crowd visible. Tormented with guilt, all had taken Kasumi's
advice a few minutes before the rain started.)
Bailesu: Yeah, right, Mikado wouldn't care. Mousse wouldn't care.
Ryouga would be happy to see him dead. Kodachi would think the evil
female Ranma was dead, not her loved one. Azusa probably wouldn't even
notice...etc, etc.
BABY: (sobbing) "...waaaaaah...waaah...waaaaah...waaaaaaaaaaaaaah...."
Bailesu: And then the Star Child rose into the sky and flew off in a
long sequence that didn't make any sense at all, to go with the preceding
scenes that didn't make any sense at all!
Ami: Don't forget it was full of stars.
Gopher: That's my line!
The end.
Gopher: Excuse me, but if you're done with that katana, could I borrow it?
Bailesu: [hands Gopher a laser pistol] Here, use this. More range. I
assume that's for the author right?
Ami: Don't be so mean! This story had really good spelling and grammar.
Bailesu: But the plot had so many holes, I could fly the Yamato through it.
Ami: And you're the essence of perfection?
Bailesu: Yes.
[Ami and the Gopher facefault.]
Gopher: So what did _Childhood's End_ have to do with this story? Where's
the alien's, the confusion, the end of humanity as we know it?
Bailesu: There was plenty of confusion.
Ami: The stars didn't wink out one by one at the end, either.
Bailesu: Wrong Clarke Story.
Ami: So what's the verdict on this one?
Gopher: GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!
Bailesu: The author clearly knows how to spell and does have a good
grasp of grammar. Too bad the characterizations aren't very good, the
story has so many holes it looks like a sieve, and the tone is
completely contrary to that of the series.
Ami: Well, you can violate the tone of the series and produce a good fanfic.
Gopher: Isn't there a law against that? Who wrote this thing, Carl
Maycek?
Bailesu: Yes, but it has to make sense. The characters can't just
suddenly start acting in ways contrary to common sense and their own
behavior patterns just to push the story along. Also, the author seems
to have forgotten or not been told some aspects of Ranma continuity, like
how the series ended, the destruction of Jyusenkyo, the fact that
Jyusenkyo has pools, not wells...
Ami: In other words, you think we should have watched F^3 again?
Bailesu: Not with the gopher watching us...
[Ami and Bailesu blush]
Gopher: Don't worry about it, I'll just watch this video tape of you two
watching it.
Bailesu: WHAT?!
Ami: Where did you get that?!
Gopher: Some guy named Dr. Price sold it to me. I'll send you comments on
it. 'Bye!
[Gopher jumps back down the hole he dug earlier.]
Bailesu: Uh-oh....
Ami: We're in serious trouble...And it's all your fault! When will you
ever learn to keep your mouth shut?
Bailesu: [nervously] When you stop being irresistably beautiful?
Ami: [softens] That's very sweet. [gets angry again] Unfortunately,
I'm going to have to punish you for babbling in front of that
gopher before we can do anything romantic!
Bailesu: [laughs nervously] Right....[runs for his life]
[They race through the hallways until they come to a door labeled Cast
Quarters. They run through the door. Ami leans back out, winks at the
camera. slams the door and locks it. Back in the Theatre...]
Groundskeeper from Caddyshack: [carrying a flamethrower] All right!
I'm here about the gopher problem! Hello, is anyone here?
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu http://falcon.cc.ukans.edu/~ranma/falcon.html
http://www.dhp.com/~wraven/john/index.html
"Love is the image you place around your significant other, and how close
it is to being true love depends on how closely he or she fits into
the mold."--Orlando de La Cruz